He knew this was extraordinarily risky. Even on his journey back to the hospital, Iruka wasn't certain that he'd go through with it. But once he walked into Kakashi's room to find Sakura weeping openly by her jounin sensei's side, his doubts dissolved.

The chunin comforted the tear-stricken girl as best he could before she needed to go back to her patients. He bided his time until the medic came through on his rounds, trying not shift impatiently while the man conducted his brief exam.

"How is he, doctor?" Iruka asked finally.

The medic looked at him solemnly. Finally, he just lowered his eyes and shook his head.

Iruka briefly nodded in understanding.

Once the medic was gone Iruka approached the door, looking down the hall in both directions before shutting it. His hand hovered over the knob as he considered whether to lock it as well, but decided against it. This could easily go wrong, and he'd want the medics to be able to enter quickly.

At Kakashi's bedside, Iruka used his own blood to unseal an old, yellowing scroll. The Umino family crest yielded to his genetic material and opened to reveal a manual on Hidden Mist jutsu.

His father had prepared this scroll for him. Iruka used these techniques in the past, back in his spying days, especially if he needed to impersonate Kirigakure ninja. A wide range of jutsu were described here, from the straightforward Water Cannon, to his precious Master Henge.

He perused the scroll until he came to the attack he'd been searching for: Water Style: Withering Death. This was a jutsu he'd learned years ago, but set aside because it drained too much of his own chakra for it to be useful in battle. If he were honest with himself, he knew another factor in that decision was that it turned his stomach to see his target literally wither up- eyes sinking into the skull, skin dry as parchment wrinkling and folding into itself- until the only thing left of the victim was a shriveled, skeletal form wallowing in a pool of fluids that had been forcefully extracted from the body.

Iruka reviewed the directives for the technique before setting the open scroll down on the bedside table. He slowly drew his chakra to his hands, warmth and light emitting from them. When he felt ready, the chunin extended his hands toward Kakashi's chest.

He never reached his intended target.

Instead, Iruka's breath was literally knocked out of him as a lithe figure rammed him against a wall. His arms were twisted roughly behind his back, causing the glow of chakra to die as he let out a pained gasp.

"I'll kill you!" A feminine voice hissed venomously.

Iruka had the impression that he'd heard this voice before. And the same phrase, come to think of it. He didn't have time to pursue that thought, as the owner of the voice increased the pressure on his arms, threatening to rip them from their sockets.

"No Racoon. You know we can't do that," a male voice responded. "We have to interrogate him first, at least."

Peripherally, Iruka caught sight of a large, solidly built ANBU and recognition came immediately. This was Fox, one of the two ANBU agents that had gone on the ill-fated mission to Suna with Kakashi and himself.

And that meant he was being restrained by none other than Raccoon, his mildly insane partner. She'd not become any less murderous since they last met, Iruka noted.

Fortunately, Raccoon did not challenge Fox's assertion that questioning was to precede killing. Turning the chunin so that his back was pressed against the wall, she barked, "Why the hell are you trying to assassinate Hatake-san?"

"I wasn't!" Iruka protested with difficulty, as he had still not entirely caught his breath.

The sensei faltered when he saw that Fox and Raccoon were not the other only ninja in the room. Three additional ANBU had rushed in as well…all of whom Iruka recalled as having been in Kakashi's squad at one time or another. Iruka distinctly remembered being irritated by the fact that none of Kakashi's ANBU comrades had been among those visiting.

"Just because we do not visit," the short Treefrog ANBU stated quietly, seeming to read his thoughts, "Doesn't mean we aren't here. Do you really think we would leave Kakashi-sempai vulnerable and unprotected?"

"Well, it's an admirable gesture," the chunin began, "But I wasn't attacking him…"

"Oh really?" The slender Bat ANBU interrupted. Swiping up the scroll, he scanned over the elder Umino's script. "That's interesting. Because the description here says this justu eliminates its targets by rapid dehydration. It literally pulls all the fluids from the victim's body. The skin and tissue dry up, the organ systems fail, the plasma in the blood drains…"

Bat moved to stand by Raccoon, leaning over the trapped chunin until his eerie mask was oppressively close to his face. "Sounds like an attack to me. Why don't you try your next story? Make it convincing this time."

"Well just maybe," Iruka snapped, "I was trying to modify the jutsu to extract the poison from his body without actually killing him. If it can drain water and other fluids, then why not poison?"

The ANBU became silent as they exchanged glances with one another. They seemed to be contemplating the trustworthiness of his assertion.

Fox, the current leader of this squad, finally answered for them all. "You really think that's doable?"

To his relief, Raccoon released him from her grasp and Bat took a step back, giving him some breathing space.

"Well, I've never heard of the jutsu being used this way," Iruka admitted nervously. "I kind of just made this up. But my chakra control has always been good, and I've enough medical training that I can recognize and differentiate the elements in the human body with chakra alone. I plan to alter my jutsu to discriminate against foreign toxins." Iruka rubbed his scar uneasily. "It's not simple, but in theory there's no reason why it shouldn't work."

"In theory?" the Lynx ANBU repeated, glowering from the shadowed corner of the room.

"It's a very sound theory," Iruka offered appeasingly.

Treefrog cleared his throat. "Isn't there someone else, with more medical experience, who could test this theory?"

"I'm the only one in the village who knows the base technique, with the possible exception of Kakashi-san himself." The chunin sighed, "Even if the jutsu in that scroll weren't family secrets, there's not enough time to teach it to someone else."

The ANBU again exchanged glances.

It was not uncommon for medical ninja to modify their healing arts for attack. But using an attack to heal? It was little wonder that the sensei didn't try to request authorization for this move. Forgiveness for his impudence would be easier to obtain than permission.

"This is one bat-shit crazy chunin," the Bat ANBU concluded at length.

"Perhaps," Fox concurred, deep in thought. Then he straightened, decision made. "But I think we should let him try. Be on stand by in case something goes wrong. Should anything happen, I'll immediately alert the Hokage and bring her here."

"I'll monitor Hatake-sempai's vital signs," Lynx asserted.

"If this is a dehydration jutsu," Treefrog contemplated, "Then I'd better have everything set up for rehydration therapy."

"Well…if we're really going along with him," Bat sighed incredulously, "I'll stand watch and make sure no one walks in and interrupts. You realize we could all get into serious trouble for this, don't you?"

"Only if it doesn't work. If it succeeds, Tsunade-sama would hardly care how we went about it," Fox said. "But if you- if any of you- are unwilling to face the consequences of failure, leave now. This is your chance."

Bat hesitated. His eyes strayed to Kakashi's still form before facing his squad leader. "No. I'm in."

"And I," Lynx agreed.

"Count me in, sir," Treefrog saluted.

The leader turned to their only remaining member. "Well, Raccoon? Are you staying?"

"Of course. I have to monitor the chunin," Raccoon replied, crossing her arms. "I've seen him in action, and his chakra reserves are pathetic. I can give them a boost when necessary."

She leaned over Iruka's shoulder. Her rough treatment earlier had caused wisps of his hair to stray from his ponytail into his face. Raccoon daintily tucked these behind the sensei's ear, then brought her masked face closer to his. "But if you mess this up, I'll gauge out your eyes and then use the empty sockets to pry your brain out with a kunai," she hissed breathily.

Iruka blanched and cast a worried glance at Fox.

"Well, Umino-san, what are you waiting for?" Fox urged. "Time is not on our side."

"Right." Iruka breathed deeply and brought his attention back to the poisoned jounin in the hospital bed.

Raccoon's threat aside, the others' presence was actually reassuring. A paperwork chunin like himself had few dealings with the illustrious ANBU. Yet here they were, a team, bonded by their mutual care for someone so important to them. He couldn't help but smile. Looks like even the ANBU were not as emotionless as they made themselves out to be.

Ibiki growled as he read over the note on his desk. He had just walked into his office for his 3am shift Monday morning, and this was a lousy way to start his Monday. Opening his office door he called to one of T&I's paperwork ninja. "Shigeto-san, who put this letter on my desk?"

The red haired shinobi looked at the note in question. "Why, I did. A hospital messenger came by and asked me to give this to you. So I set it on your desk."

"Let me get this straight," Ibiki rumbled slowly. "You were asked to give this message to me. And you set it on my desk. Were you under the impression that I had henged into my desk?"

"Y-you weren't in!" Shigeto explained. "I knew that you'd see it right away once you got in."

"When did the messenger bring this in?"

"Uh…S-Saturday. Saturday evening, after you'd left for the day."

"And so you judged that it could wait until 3am Monday morning, when I next came in?"

"I…the messenger didn't say it was urgent…"

"Oh no, it wasn't urgent," Ibiki glowered menacingly. "It only concerns the life and welfare of two Konoha shinobi. Nothing too significant. I'm glad you let our messenger ravens have a break this time around."

By this time, the shamed ninja looked like he would have gladly sunk into the floor, were he adept at earth jutsu. Ibiki had no further time to waste, and took off at a brisk pace toward the Konoha Hospital.

"You know, that's why our assistants keep quitting," a female voice remarked. "One little mistake, and you flay them alive."

Ibiki rolled his eyes at Anko's remark. "I was only emphasizing the stupidity of his actions. If I wanted him flayed, I would have called you."

"Fun," the kunoichi grinned. "So where you running off to?"

Ibiki handed her the scroll. "See for yourself. The Domestic Stabilization Project backfired. I'll need you to take charge here while I attempt damage control."

The jounin was furious with himself. Never had he expected to have misjudged so badly. That's what he got for feeling so optimistic.

Kakashi was dying and Iruka was probably at the brink of breaking. Shizune was hoping Ibiki could talk some sense into the Academy teacher, who stopped sleeping or eating since the tradegy. Idiot chunin, as though destroying himself would help anything.

As for Kakashi, that idiot failed to go directly to the hospital, and Ibiki was willing to bet it had something to do with the strength of his relationship to Iruka. Maybe he put too much faith in the chunin's medical ability. Or maybe he felt compelled to stop there first, but passed out before he could leave.

How could he have thought this was a good idea? How could he have overlooked the fact that both these shinobi were too obsessively dedicated for their own good? Ibiki hated to be proven wrong. If Kakashi made it out of this alive, he'd see to it that neither so much as spoke to the other again!

It was the smell that infiltrated his consciousness first. That sterile, medicinal smell that somehow never succeeded in covering up the lingering tang of death. Venturing to open his right eye, the stark white lighting further confirmed his suspicions.

Kakashi was waking up in a hospital.

The jounin loathed hospitals. Not necessarily the medics (though they could be aggravating pricks at times), but the place itself, the memories it carried, the failures it reminded him of- and there were so many of those. He hated its smells, its sounds, its tastes. He despised the flimsy puke-green gown they made him wear.

A headache throbbed in his temples and behind his eyes. His tongue felt like sandpaper in his dry mouth. The drowsy jounin turned his head and caught sight of what he initially assumed was a medic but now discovered to be an ANBU.

"Treefrog?" Kakashi rasped, confused as to why he'd be here.

"At ease, Hatake-sempai," The shorter man was currently replacing the bag on his intravenous drip. "Don't try to move too much just yet."

When he finished switching the bag, he slipped an arm under Kakashi's shoulders, helping him sit up. The other hand slid the neck of a canteen under the surgeon's mask on Kakashi's face, bringing it to his lips. "I need you to drink this, sempai. You're very badly dehydrated."

The liquid had an odd sweetness and a bit of saltiness to it as well. The moment it slid down his throat, the jounin recognized how desperately thirsty he was and reflexively tried to gulp it down. Treefrog maintained control though, and forced him to swallow a little at a time.

Kakashi drank for what seemed a long time, before he leaned back and sighed. "You've always been a decent field medic. When did you start working in the hospital?"

Treefrog didn't answer immediately. Instead he pointed across the room.

The Copy Nin turned his head, and blinked questioningly at the strange sight before him. There was Iruka, sleeping in the plastic chair. The chunin's head was tilted fully back, resting on the wall behind him. His mouth was slightly open, and he looked like he could use a shave.

Treefrog proceeded to explain what had transpired, from Kakashi's admittance to the hospital up until Iruka's unconventional method of draining the poison.

"He put your system through a very thorough detoxification," Treefrog concluded. "And not just the poison. Your skin is really clear, and you've probably never had a cleaner colon."

Kakashi chuckled, but winced when he felt a painful tightening in his chest. "So why do I feel like I've been flattened by an Akimichi clansman?"

Treefrog nodded. "The poison did a lot of damage before it was removed. And the chunin didn't have the jutsu entirely refined either. You were suffering from extreme dehydration before I got to work on you. It will take time before your body recovers."

"And Iruka-san. How is he?" Kakashi inquired, concerned that the sensei hadn't stirred once during the conversation.

"Don't worry about him, sempai," Treefrog assured lightly. "The chunin hadn't slept since he brought you here on Friday. It's Sunday night, or Monday morning to be precise. Raccoon was here earlier and…persuaded him to rest."

"Persuaded?" He knew Raccoon's methods of persuasion could be brutal.

"Just a jab at his pressure points. Nothing to be concerned about." The ANBU checked over Kakashi one more time. "After the lengths Umino-san went to make sure you pulled through, even Raccoon would hesitate to harm him unduly."

Finally, Treefrog placed a hand on the copy nin's shoulder, "Kakashi-sempai, I have to notify the Godaime that you've woken up. A hospital medic should be in soon."

Kakashi nodded and watched as the other man took his leave through the window. The jounin then turned his gaze back to the slumbering chunin. He felt a twinge of guilt, knowing it was his fault that the sensei looked so worn out and haggard. Kakashi would have to be more careful about showing up half-dead in Iruka's apartment, if this was how he was going to react.

The jounin tentatively sat up, testing his body's response to a shift in position. Once the dizziness wore off, he removed the intravenous drip and ventured to place one foot, then another, onto the floor. Carefully rising to his feet, Kakashi managed to keep himself standing steady. He grinned. If he could stand up, then there was nothing stopping him from leaving.

The grin faded when he glanced back guiltily at Iruka.

The chunin had spent over two days waiting for him to come around, and that sleeping position he was in looked spectacularly uncomfortable. No doubt the sensei was in for a stiff neck and sore muscles when he woke.

With a resigned sigh, the jounin instead made his way to the younger man's side, carefully lifting him and setting him on the hospital bed. The chunin was so deeply asleep, he barely stirred. Now Kakashi might have taken his leave, but that exertion had cost him greatly. He sank wearily into the plastic chair that Iruka had formerly occupied. He may as well wait around until the chunin woke up.

Not a minute passed before the medic walked in. He frowned, looking from the shinobi in the hospital bed to the other in the visitor's seat, confusion clear in his eyes. He glanced down at his medical chart before finally shaking his head. "I believe you're the patient here, Hatake-san."

Walking toward Iruka, the medic extended his hand to shake the chunin's shoulder, "So I'll just…"

"Move him and I'll rip your head off," Kakashi conversationally warned, his eyes crinkled in a sharp crescent smile. He didn't always come home from missions in the best of moods.

The medic immediately withdrew his hand, placing it behind his head and rubbing his hair nervously. "Well then, I'll just check you right there, shall I?" he wisely adapted.

After the brief examination, the doctor told him exactly what Treefrog had said earlier: the poison was gone, but his body was still suffering from the effects, damaged and badly dehydrated. He needed to drink lots of fluids. And, of course, they wanted to keep him for overnight observation and testing.

"I suggest you lay down and rest…when you get your bed back," the medic added uneasily. He was in such a hurry to get out that, when he did leave, the door slammed harder than normal. The noise was enough to rouse the chunin from his sleep.

Kakashi glared at the door while Iruka groaned and reached out for a non-existent alarm clock. It took him a moment to realize where he was, but once he did the chunin leapt out of bed. "What are you doing, Kakashi-san! You should be resting!" The sensei practically roared in indignant fury. Kakashi would have found it comical, if his head didn't feel like someone had driven a stake through his temples.

"I am resting," the jounin replied languidly, tapping the armrest of the plastic chair.

"But you should be in bed." Iruka was not to be deterred. "You shouldn't push yourself or you'll damage your health."

"I could say the same about you," Kakashi frowned, recalling Treefrog's account. "Going without rest or food, just to watch me sleep. What were you thinking?"

"What was I...?" The chunin shook his head in outrage. "You're asking me what was I thinking?" Iruka repeated. "What were you thinking, dragging yourself to my house when you were poisoned? You know I'm not equipped to deal with that!"

His fists clenched and Iruka shivered from the repressed anxiety he'd carried the last two days. He didn't mean to shout at the recently awakened jounin, but he couldn't keep the words back. "What if I had been away on a mission? What if you had died in my living room before I made it home?"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. Wasn't the answer was obvious? "If I had died, it would be my own fault, not yours." Hoping to set the man at ease, he added, "But since I didn't die, there's no use worrying about it, ne?"

The vein throbbing in the chunin's temple told him that his tactic wasn't successful.

Kakashi sighed. "In my defense, I wasn't thinking very clearly when I came back. The poison made my mind hazy and my thoughts were muddled, so I…" He paused staring down at his bare feet.

In his poison-induced daze, Kakashi had gone where he instinctively felt safe. It was a disconcerting thought. "I…just followed my usual routine," he finished finally. "And it was the right choice anyway since, from what I've heard, you're the reason I'm still alive."

This placated the sensei somewhat. The tension drained from his shoulders as he let out a shuddering breath and tired smile. "It's good to see you awake, Kakashi-san, but you really should be in bed." He moved to the chair where the jounin was seated and slid an arm around his waist for support, "Here, let me help you."

"There you go again- still can't keep your hands to yourself," Kakashi jibbed lightly.

"Oh, shut up." It was such a relief to be teased again, Iruka's response lacked any fire whatsoever. He made sure the jounin climbed back into the hospital bed where he belonged and handed him a cup of rehydration fluid.

"Where are my uniform and sandals?" the jounin inquired casually, once the content of the cup was drained.

Iruka raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "Why do ask?"

"No reason. I just don't see them, so I was wondering."

The suspicion didn't lessen, but he answered the question anyway. "Your uniform is destroyed. I cut it away to get to your wounds." Iruka confessed. "And Sakura-chan hid your sandals once it became apparent that you were actually going to wake up. She said she didn't want you leaving the hospital early."

Kakashi frowned. "Where'd she hide them?"

"You're not seriously thinking about leaving!" Iruka placed his hands on his hips and scowled.

"Where?" the Copy Ninja stubbornly insisted.

"You'll have to ask her." Iruka was now re-inserting the IV needle. "Keep this on, would you?"

Kakashi frowned at the hateful needle, "I suppose I can comply with that request for a while. I obviously owe you."

"Owe me? You saved me first, Kakashi-san," Iruka smiled. "So let's just call it even."

The jounin tilted his head, considering. "Are you talking about the trial? Because if you remember, you hadn't been sentenced to death. I only preserved your freedom, so we couldn't be even."

"But what's life without freedom?" Iruka philosophically countered.

"That would be called 'hospitalization,'" Kakashi sighed.

The chunin laughed. "Well, you'll have to deal with that for a while longer, I'm afraid." He looked up at the wall clock, noting the early hour. "Now that I know you're going to be all right, I can get ready for class. It starts in just a few hours, but I'll be back to check on you when school's over."

"You can't be serious," the jounin scowled. "You're going to go teach?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Iruka glanced up at the clock again. Just a little after 3am.

"Because you've recently performed a dangerous and draining jutsu, your emotions are frayed, and you haven't eaten or slept for more than a couple of hours in the last three days," the Copy Nin tersely recounted, "That's why."

Iruka falters. "Well…when you put it that way…it almost sounds foolish."

"You think?"

Iruka runs a hand over his hair. "You don't understand Kakashi-san. I have to go to work. I can't rest now. I'm too stressed."

"I believe that's what rest is for: relieving stress," the jounin observed. The look on Iruka's face told him that, while the chunin intellectually consented to the point, it was still difficult to apply.

Finally, Kakashi resolved to propose a deal. It would be a sacrifice on his part, but when one already sacrifices for grand, impersonal concepts like country, security, and at least the illusion of peace- the thought of sacrificing for a living, breathing person (friend, his mind helpfully supplies,) was not so troublesome.

Ibiki's mood was sour as he took the stairs three at a time, heading toward the third floor. According to the nurse, the Copy Ninja had recently woken up. Ibiki would need to make it up there quickly if he hoped to see the man before his inevitable escape.

The interrogator sharply rounded the corner of the stairwell, and only years of shinobi training prevented him from bowling over the oncoming person. He had, uncharacteristically, not been focused on his surroundings. Prepared to brush the man off and continue toward his objective, Ibiki stopped short when he realized the man before him was one of his targets.

"Umino. Where do you think you're going?" the interrogator barked. Not as though he needed to ask. If Kakashi was awake, and it being early Monday morning, he knew instinctively that Iruka intended to prepare for his day of teaching.

The chunin bowed quickly, almost causing him to fall down the stairs in his exhaustion, but managing to straighten without incident. "My apologies, Ibiki-san. I didn't mean to nearly walk into you. I'm just a little tired."

Ibiki did not bother to point out that it was he who nearly walked into Iruka. "You didn't answer the question."

"I'm going home for some desperately needed sleep." Iruka admitted somewhat guiltily. "I already sent a message to the Mission Desk to arrange a substitute for my class."

The jounin had been ready to respond with a scathing remark, and thus was put off when he didn't need to use it. "And I suppose I'm too late to find the Copy Ninja in his room?"

"Kakashi-san? Oh, he's still here." Iruka said.

"I wouldn't be so sure," Ibiki grumbled. However the telling look on the chunin's face told him there was reason behind his claim. "Or should I be?"

"Ah, well," Iruka smiled and brought his hand up behind his neck. "Kakashi-san and I came to…an understanding of sorts."

"Which is…?"

"He agreed to remain in the hospital for the duration of the medic's tests. And I agreed to take the day off, and not run myself into the ground," Iruka rubbed his scar self-consciously. "You know, I honestly hadn't realize how bad I had gotten until I saw how much it bothered Kakashi-san. I mean, for him to agree to stay in a hospital he must be concerned."

"Indeed," Ibiki murmured, more to himself. "I won't keep you then, Umino. Go home."

Iruka bowed before taking his leave. "Just so you know, Kakashi-san has visitors at the moment. Some of his old ANBU buddies." He chuckled. "Fox said he wants to make sure Kakashi-san makes good on his end of the bargain."

Ibiki nodded and made his way up the rest of the stairs. It figured that Kakashi needed an ANBU guard to keep him in this facility.

The interrogator approached the door of the Copy Nin's room when the sound of laughter gave him pause. That sounded like…Kakashi.

Hatake? Laughing? In a hospital?

The unmistakable voice of Bat reached his ears next. That man was loud for an ANBU, and it seemed that something he said earlier had triggered the laughter.

Finally, Ibiki stepped back. Kakashi socializing with his old teammates…that was not something he wanted to interrupt.

Anko eyed the large package before her dubiously. "You brought dango? For the whole office?" She looked up at Ibiki suspiciously. "Is it poisoned?"

"No, it's not poisoned," the scarred jounin sighed. "I was feeling generous, that's all."

"Hm," Anko took the box in her arm, wondering if she should set it out in the breakroom like he wanted her to do, or secret it away and eat it herself. The only thing stopping her from the latter was that eating that much dango would certainly give her a stomach ache.

"May I ask why you are suddenly in such good spirits, when you looked like you wanted to murder someone when you left? Who'd you kill? And why didn't you let me help?"

The head interrogator scoffed. "Nothing like that. It's just the latest Domestic Stabilization Project proved successful. I'm enjoying the satisfaction of being right."

"Oh."

Anko grinned, taking the box out into the hallway. Her astonishingly loud voice echoed through the building. "Hey everyone, we're celebrating! Free dango, courtesy of 'biki and Operation Friendship!"

A/N: I don't know who originated the phrase "bat-shit crazy jounin," or I would give them credit here. I've seen the phrase pop up from time to time, and thought it's be funny for a jounin to say it of a chunin.

Well, there you have it. This story could probably continue indefinitely, but this felt like a good place to end. Thank you to everyone who has taken time to leave comments and let me know what you think.