Me getting good use out of two words: moron, and pun. And shut up. Oh, and making fun of all the shippings I can see any hints to, and then some I can't. It's probably too insane to read. Oh well. And I DON'T OWN POKÉMON!!! D'ya think I'd be doing this if I did????

~ Sarah



Ash: Misty, you really have no fashion sense.

Jesse: Ooh, the Twerp couple are going to have a fight!

Misty: Oh, and you DO? And we are NOT a couple! We don't hug all the time like you and James do!

James: What was that about me?

Jesse: Your boyfriend might be stupid but we aren't! We've heard your songs!

Misty: **going red** Uh… what songs?

Brock: Tracey, what made you think you could replace ME? Everyone hates you—

Misty: Your name is a stupid pun…

Ash: You're fat…

Jesse: You have no fashion sense!

James: You're ugly (not like me!)

Tracey: Hey, why does everyone hate me? And my name isn't a pun! At least I HAVE a last name!

Cassidy: An argument? Can we join in?

Jesse: You probably can't even insult people properly.

Butch: Cassidy is a much better partner than Jesse will EVER be!

James: Botch, have you been out with Jesse?

Butch: Botch? Why I should…

James: Your name ISN'T Botch?

Cassidy: NO HIS NAME ISN'T BOTCH!!! HOW COULD THAT BE A NAME???

James: It's a stupid name for a stupid person.

Jesse: How comes you're sticking up for him, Cass?

Cassidy: I AM NOT STANDING UP FOR HIM AND DON'T CALL ME CASS!!!

Jesse: Sorry… Cass.

Cassidy: Why you stupid…

Gary: Hey, is this an insult competition? Can I join?

Ash: You couldn't win an insult match just like you couldn't win a Pokémon match!

Gary: Shut up, you lamor.

Ash: Lamor?

Everyone except Ash: **falls over animé style**

Misty: Leave Ash alone Gary you—

Brock: Standing up for Ashy now, huh Misty?

Misty: NO! I was just… well, uh… I was just… **sweatdrops**

Tracey: So why doesn't anyone like me?

Brock: You replaced me and EVERYONE loves me so they would hate you!

Misty: I wouldn't say EVERYONE loves you, Brocko.

Ash: Gary, you never win any Pokémon battles so—

Misty: Ashy-Boy, that argument ending ages ago.

Gary: It's Ashy-Boy now, is it?

Misty: You called him Ashy-Boy FIRST!!!

Jesse: So you both fancy him?

Misty and Gary: NO!

Brock: Ash how do you get so many gi—people after you?

Ash: What do you mean, 'after me'?

Everyone except Ash: **falls over again**

Cassidy: Jesse, if you remember, we still have a little score to settle…

Jesse: If you tell anyone our secret I'll kill you!

James: I didn't know Jesse had any secrets!

Butch: That's because they're SECRETS!

Tracey: **covering his ears** Shut up Botch or Butch or whatever your name is, your voice hurts my ears!

Cassidy: Don't insult him!

James: Can't Botch stand up for himself? Is he crying now?

Jesse: Awww, Botch needs his girlfriend to stand up for him…

Butch: At least I have a girlfriend!

James: So do I!

Jesse: You do? Who?

Butch: You were denying it earlier too!

Jesse: Who, James?

James: IT'S YOU YOU IDIOT!!!

Jesse: Who are you calling an idiot?

Cassidy: You, obviously. He's right, too.

Jesse: James you're supposed to be standing up for me not insulting me!

Ash: Botch, who let you out of jail?

Butch: We escaped.

Cassidy: Yeah, it was so boring in there…

Butch: You saying I'm boring, Cassie?

Cassidy: No, I didn't say THAT!

Misty: Ooh, Botch and Cass are arguing!

Jesse: And then Botch will cry…

Brock: Hey Sarah you stupid author if you like me so much why have you gone and forgotten me?

Sarah: Oops. Okay. Anyway, what do you mean?

Brock: Nothing. Jesse, you're quite cute you know…

James: Hands off, she's MINE!

Jesse: Keep YOUR hands off; I'm nobody's!

James: I thought you liked me!

Jesse: Maybe I do but we're not going out so let other guys flirt with me!

James: He's a Twerp, Jess.

Jesse: Good point. Botch… I mean, Butch…

James: **stares with his gob open**

Jesse: You look real ugly like that James…

James: **wails** Jesse thinks I'm ugly!

Butch: She's right.

James: Misty do you think I'm ugly?

Misty: Well… hang on; you've called me ugly. Yes.

James: Cassidy?

Cassidy: Yeah, real ugly, Jimmy.

James: **wails** I'm UGLY!!!

Butch: Jesse would love you no matter how ugly you were…

Jesse: I WOULD NOT GO OUT WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS UGLY WHY DO YOU THINK I'VE NEVER BEEN OUT WITH YOU!!!

Ash: It's what's on the inside not what's on the outside that counts.

Cassidy: Butch is NOT ugly!

Jesse: I wouldn't be able to stand his voice.

Butch: You were flirting with me a few minutes ago…

Jesse: That was to get James to ask me out!

James: It was? So you don't think I'm ugly?

Brock: James, you're not ugly, you—

Misty: And you would know that because?

Brock: Well, I, uh, um… **sweatdrops** Anyway Girls'-Name-Pun-Boy, I never finished beating the [bleep] outta you!

Ash: What does [bleep] mean?

Misty: It's swearing, Ash.

Ash: Oh. Bleep sounds like a sound effect.

Everyone except Ash: **falls over once more**

Mrs Ketchum: Ash, if you ever use language like that again I'll…

Prof. Oak: Hi everyone!

Ash: Where did Prof. Oak come from?

Misty: Ash, he always goes wherever your mum goes. Coincidence? I think not.

Mrs Ketchum: It's not like that!

Ash: Like what?

Everyone except Ash: **falls over animé-style**

Misty: Ash, you're so thick sometimes it's almost…

Brock: You think it's cute?

Misty: NOOOO!!!

Brock: Okay, don't bite my head off…

Misty: I'm TRYING to damn well insult you!!!

Brock: Oh.

Misty: Oh? Oh? Can't you even insult people???

Brock: OKAY YOU MORON I'LL YELL AT YOU! AND YOU HAVE THE MOST AWFUL ORANGE HAIR!

Everyone except Brock: **stares blankly at Brock**

Brock: What? Why do I always have to be the peacemaker?

James: You don't sound like it.

Everyone except James: **falls over animé-style**

Jesse: James, you are really stupid sometimes.

Butch: Sometimes?

Cassidy: Make that all the time.

Jesse: You shut it, Cass.

Cassidy: If you keep calling me Cass I'll have to tell everyone our little secret…

James: How come you never told me your secret?

Jesse: Why should I?

James: Don't you trust me?

Tracey: Stop whining James, you're hurting my ears…

Brock: You really have sensitive ears, Pun-Boy.

Tracey: They have really awful voices!

Brock: So do you.

Ash: Yeah. At least I have a normal voice.

Misty: Normal? **laughing** From a distance, all you can hear is a squeak…

Ash: You've been listening to me talking to Brock when I thought you were out some place?

Misty: Why? Got something to hide?

Ash: No…

Brock: Hey Misty, when's Ash gonna repay you for that bike? Or didn't you ever want him to repay you in the first place?

Misty: Wa…? Oh yeah. My bike. Ash Ketchum, if you don't repay me for my bike then I'll—

Tracey: Ash, your name is a pun too!

Ash: It is?

Tracey: Yeah! Ketchum… like Catch 'em!

Ash: **blank look**

Tracey: As in 'gotta catch 'em all'???

Ash: Oh.

Jesse: That's the stupidest name I ever heard! **cracks up laughing**

Tracey: Stupider than Tracey Sketchit?

Jesse: Well, that's pushing it a little…

Cassidy: We didn't actually come for an argument; we came for your Poké—

Butch: Forget that! This is more fun!

Cassidy: But… Butch…

Butch: The Boss won't know we stopped for a break…

Jesse: What's up, Cass? Afraid your little secrets might leak out too?

Cassidy: No, in fact I don't know which ones you're talking about.

Jesse: Oh, you know all right.

Cassidy: Threatening me now, Jess?

Butch: Cassie…

Cassidy: Butch, leave off. I can argue for myself, you know.

Ash: Wait. Tracey, were you making fun of my name?

Tracey: Was I—oh, back then? Man, you are SLOW, Ash.

Misty: He is NOT—I mean, yeah Trace, you're right, he IS slow.

Brock: It's 'Trace' now, is it?

Misty: NO!

Brock: But you weren't standing up for Ash?

Misty: NOOOOO!!!

Brock: Okay, okay. No need to deafen me.

Misty: Sorry Brock.

Tracey: Apologising to Brock now, are you?

Misty: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Jesse: Jeez, Misty, you're after more guys than I am!

James: Which guys?

Cassidy: You've changed, Jess. You used to—

Jesse: SHUT UP!!! That's in the past.

Ash: Tracey, did you say I was slow?

Tracey: Yes. Hey, Jesse and James, and Cassidy and Butch! Your names are puns too!

Jesse: They are?

Tracey: Yeah. Jesse James and Butch Cassidy!

Ash: How is that a pun?

Jesse: Are you insulting me?

Tracey: No, I, er, well… I'M SUPPOSED TO BE INSULTING YOU, MORON!

Jesse: Oh, right.

James: Sooo… how is it a pun?

Tracey: Duh… there were two people: Jesse James, and Butch Cassidy, and—

Misty: All riiiight, we get it now. Shut up.

Tracey: Who are you telling to shut up?

Misty: You.

Tracey: Oh, okay… WAIT! Don't tell me to shut up!

Misty: And why shouldn't I?

Brock: Hey, give the rest of a chance to speak.

Misty: Well, sor-ree.

Brock: Well, um, uh, err…

Ash: You can't think of anything insulting to say?

Brock: No, it's just I, well, um… Yeah.

Misty: Hey, Mrs Ketchum, we still got a few things to ask you…

Mrs Ketchum: Uh… like what?

Misty: Like, who is Ash's father?

Mrs Ketchum: Would it sound bad if I said I didn't know?

Misty: Yes it would.

Mrs Ketchum: Well, uh…

Prof. Oak: Delia, don't you think you should tell him that—

Mrs Ketchum: NO!

Prof. Oak: Okay, okay…

Misty: Ash, do YOU know who your father is?

Ash: Is this a trick question? Oh, I know! Is it… James?

Mrs Ketchum: Ohhhhh… He has NO idea.

Cassidy: That's one messed-up family you have there Twerp-Boy.

James: I'm not Ash's father!

Cassidy: James, we know. You couldn't be because—

Jesse: You know who really bugs me?

Cassidy: **seriously sarcastic** No. Who?

Jesse: That damn translator person… And that guy who said I was twelve.

James: You're TWELVE??? Jesse, I—

Jesse: NO I'M NOT TWELVE! DO I LOOK TWELVE???

James: Well…

Jesse: JAMES!!!!

Cassidy: Ooh, Jesse and James are going to have a fight…

Jesse: NO WE'RE NOT!!!

Ash: So who IS my dad?

Misty: **sigh** Anyone who thinks he's Ash's dad, raise your hand now.

**Prof. Oak, Flint, Giovanni, Mateo (from the Crystal Onix), Koga, and Captain Ayden raise their hands**

Prof. Oak: Delia?!?!?

Misty: So, which one is it?

Mrs Ketchum: I… don't… know **sweatdrops**

Ash: They're ALL my dads?

Mrs Ketchum: Don't ask me.

Brock: Dad? You think you're… Ash's dad?

Flint: When you get around as much as I do…

Brock: Dad! There's stuff you haven't been telling me…

Flint: You don't know the half of it.

Ash: I'm confused.

Mrs Ketchum: **putting her head in her hands** This is so EMBARASSING.

Captain Ayden: There's got to be some family relation in us all. We all look more like Ash than his mother does.

Koga: I've always wanted a son.

Mrs Ketchum: Okay, get out, all of you! I don't want any more old boyfriends hanging around. Especially not ones who run great big criminal gangs.

James: The Boss is the Twerp's father?

Jesse: Uh oh, this doesn't look good…

Cassidy: You two could be in serious trouble now…

Jesse: He can't be. Not by logic…

Cassidy: One word for you: Star Wars.

Jesse: That's two words.

Ash: Mom…

Mrs Ketchum: Uh, yes?

Ash: Well, Mom, how can you not know who my father is?

Misty: He's got a very good point.

Mrs Ketchum: I was very irresponsible.

Misty: I'll say…

Brock: Dad, while you're here, I gotta ask. How on earth can I see with these eyes?

Flint: Actually Brock… I don't know.

Misty: One of the biggest secrets ever… Anyway Brock, what happened with Professor Ivy?

Brock: Um, the thing is… She's… a man.

Misty: Professor Ivy is a MAN? No wonder she looked so fake.

Jesse: Is she –he- a relative of yours, James?

James: Why should she be?

Jesse: The… cross-dressing thing, and all that…

James: Oh, I don't think so.

Butch: What is it with all that cross-dressing, anyway?

James: Well… Have you ever tried it?

Butch: No.

James: Well, it's fun.

Butch: Wearing Jesse's underwear is fun?

James: Hey, who told you that?

Butch: Cassidy.

James: Oh. Who told Cassidy?

Cassidy: Jesse.

James: Who told Jesse?

Jesse: You did.

James: Actually Jess, it was your idea.

Jesse: It was not!

Misty: **sigh** This is getting boring.

Ash: No it isn't!

Misty: Ash, you're so slow you're probably still back at the bit about Ivy being a man.

Ash: I am not that slow!

Misty: Yeah, whatever. Brock, what is that stuff you cook for us? The round white things. They're always the same, but you give them different names.

Brock: Well duh, they're rice b—Doughnuts! They're doughnuts!

James: I could sure go for a doughnut right now.

Jesse: You're always hungry.

James: Maybe if you could cook better—

Jesse: COOK FOR YOURSELF!!!

Misty: Brock, are you all right? You were about to say rice ba—Doughnuts!!! You said doughnuts!

Brock: They're rice b—DOUGHNUTS!!!

Ash: Why can't anyone say rice ba—doughnuts???

Jesse: It's the stupid dubbers. They have some problem with Japanese stuff.

Misty: But we ARE Japanese!

Jesse: I know.

Misty: Is that why they try to hide how James sometimes acts g—Feminine? Stop putting words in my mouth!

Brock: Also how they pretended my mother died when she really did a runner like Dad did.

Flint: You're having a go at me AGAIN???

Brock: Yes.

Misty: That's just stupid!

Jesse: Yes.

Misty: So that's why we have lost ep—Um, that's why we have-we have-oh, they won't let me say it, LOST EPISODES???

Jesse: Because the dubbers are stupid? Yes.

James: The world didn't get to see me in my bikini!!!

Misty: I saw you. I can see WHY they didn't show it.

Butch: They didn't want to make people ill.

Jesse: James, maybe it's just as well no one except the Japanese got to see that.

James: Why?

Jesse: It's crushing to rocketshippers.

James: Hey, I'm allowed to swing either way, aren't I?

Jesse: If you really want to…

James: Good. First then, I'll---

Jesse: James, don't make a fool of yourself anymore today.

Butch: Has anyone got a picture of James in this infamous bikini?

Todd: I have!





Butch: That is BAD… No wonder they didn't show it.

Cassidy: Team Rocket is turning into a FREAKSHOW.

Misty: Got anyone else you can show us pictures of, Todd?

Todd: I mainly do James… hey, what are you looking at me like that for? But I do have a few of Misty when she was with Prima and---

Misty: No, that's okay, no one wants to see that.

Brock: Yes we do.

Todd: And… Oh no, they're private ones for Prof. Oak.

Prof. Oak: Oh no…

Mrs Ketchum: Professor?

Prof. Oak: Oh, they're nothing.

Ash: Was that picture of JAMES???

Butch: Don't remind me of that, I think I'm going to be sick.

Ash: Yes, but James is a man, and men don't—

Misty: Ash, one thing. Inflatable.

Todd: Wait, I found some more. Misty in a hot spring, and—

Misty: NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THOSE!!!

Todd: Ash and Brock do.

Brock: Oh come off it Todd, we've seen all that befo—oh.

Misty: Brock?

Brock: I meant, uh, um, well…

Tracey: He didn't mean anything.

Misty: YOU'RE in on this too? Ash and Brock I can just about cope with, but YOU?

Brock and Ash: It was his idea.

Mrs Ketchum: Ash has seen…? Oh dear God…

Brock: Relax, Mrs K. You couldn't expect Ash to leave home and not see anything.

Mrs Ketchum: Yes, but still…

Prof. Oak: Calm down Delia. He's a boy on his Pokémon journey. There's a girl with him. It wouldn't be normally if he DIDN'T.

Brock: Don't be such a hypocrite Misty.

Misty: Me? I-I, okay, so maybe I…

James: No one wants to see my picture, do they? You can show everyone my pictures Photography-Twerp-Boy!

Butch: No one WANTS to see your pictures.

James: Why not?

Butch: They're HORRIBLE!!!

James: What, my bikini picture? I nearly won a competition with that!

Butch: You came last place, didn't you? The Twerp-Boy's MOTHER won.

Mrs Ketchum: Eheheheh, so I won a swimsuit competition…

Misty: When you were on holiday with Prof. Oak.

Prof. Oak: We just HAPPENED to go to the same place at the same time. We didn't plan it.

Misty: Sure.

Cassidy: Remind us exactly what you said when you entered this competition. And what you did.

James: I said—

Butch: No! I don't want to know! I think I can guess, anyway.

James: Botch, make like a tree and leave.

Butch: Ha ha.

Jesse: James, you stole that from the twerps.

James: Yes, I know, but I—

Jesse: And you said it was dumb and asked them if they heard it from Prof. Oak.

Butch: Shows just how stupid he is.

James: I'm not stupid!

Butch: Oh yeah? **puts on a high voice** Don't I make, like, the coooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooolest girl? Make like a tree and leave! I'm Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaameessssssssssssssssss, from Team Rocket! Santa Claus is a Jynx! Keep that mad woman Jessebelle away from me!!!

James: I do NOT have a voice like that.

Butch: But you've said all that stuff. And worse.

James: At least I don't have a voice like yours.

Butch: What's wrong with my voice?

James: Whenever I listen to it, I wish I were deaf.

Butch: When I looked at your picture, I wished I were blind.

James: You don't appreciate true beauty.

Butch: That wasn't beauty, that was a horror show! My worst nightmare!

James: have a lot of nightmares, do you, Botch?

Jesse: And then Cassidy has to give you a big hug, and then—

Cassidy: Shut UP!

Misty: Ash has a lot of nightmares.

Ash: No, you are my worst nightmare!

Brock: You both have nightmares. All the time.

Ash and Misty: No we don't!

Ash: You the one who's scared of BUGS, Misty.

Misty: I am NOT.

Ash: Oh, so why did you go so mental over a silly little Caterpie? And WHY did you have to jump on my back?

Misty: I wasn't scared; I was just a little surprised.

Ash: Oh, sure.

Tracey: You're such a chicken Misty.

Misty: I am NOT!!!

Brock: You're scared of bugs. In fact, you we're scared of a little bit of grass that you thought was a bug.

Misty: I WAS NOT!!!

Jesse: She's worse than you are, James.

James: Hey!

Tracey: Ash and Misty, you'd really make a cute couple.

Jesse: You're right, Tracey…

Ash: Ewwwwwwwwwww! No WAY!

Misty: Him? He's so immature he—

Jesse: So who ARE you interested in?

Misty: **going red** No one.

James: Really? No one?

Misty: NO! I don't have a crush on ANYONE!!!

Brock: You're a terrible liar Misty.

Misty: I am NOT!!!

Jesse: Liar.

Misty: What do you WANT me to say???

Cassidy: That you have a crush on someone.

Misty: Like who? James?

Butch: Get real. No one could fancy him.

James: Hey! I do!

Brock: James has a crush on himself???

James: Uh, yeah… Don't I make just the cooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooolest girl?

Jesse: **head in hands** This just gets worse and worse…

Cassidy: Is James embarrassing you or something Jess?

Jesse: No, he has nothing to do with me!!!

Cassidy: Except he's wearing your underwear right now.

Jesse: Yes, except—Hey!

Brock: I don't even want to know this stuff…

Misty: Change the subject, quick.

Mrs Ketchum: That reminds me Ash, have you been remembering to change your underwear every single day???

Misty: No, he hasn't, same as he hasn't washed his clothes since last time he saw you, AND he sleeps in them.

Mrs Ketchum: Ash…

Ash: Aw, Mom, it's easier this way.

Jesse: Anyway Misty, who do you have a crush on?

Pokéshippers: Ash! Ash! Ash!

Gymshippers: Brock! Brock! Brock!

B*tchshippers: Jesse! Jesse! Jesse!

Orangeshippers: Tracey! Tracey! Tracey!

Egoshippers: Gary! Gary! Gary!

Opressionshippers: James! James! James!

Sarah: Oh, get lost, all of you.

Jesse: So?

Misty: None of them and no one else! Get it into your thick skulls! I DON'T have a crush on anyone!

Jesse: Ha. Okay. Let's bug Ash instead.

Ash: I don't have a crush on anyone either!!!

Pokéshippers: Misty! Misty!

Bouldershippers: Brock! Brock!

Palletshippers: Gary! Gary!

Sarah: I told you already! OUT!

Jesse: And so, Ash, who is it?

Ash: Err…

Jesse: I'll make this easy for you. Is it a) Misty, b) Brock, c) Gary, or d) Pikachu?

Ash: Err… Phone a friend?

Jesse: You don't have any friends to phone. They're all here. But okay then… Who do you want to phone?

Ash: I'll ring… Misty.

Jesse: Blah blah, you've heard the question; just give him a damn answer.

Misty: It's d, Ash. Go for d.

Ash: D? Okay, if you say so.

Jesse: So, are you going with Misty's answer?

Ash: No… Can I use 50:50?

Jesse: **sigh** Fine. The remaining answers are a) Misty, and d) Pikachu.

Ash: Well, I think I know the answer. But I'm not certain. So can I use ask the audience?

Jesse: If you insist. Everyone vote now.

…

Jesse: The results are… a) 50%, and d) 50%. Only two members of the audience voted…

Misty: I didn't vote for me!

Pikachu: Pika!

Brock: Pikachu said he didn't vote for himself either; he's not that stupid, so we all now know who voted for who.

James: He said all that in one "pika"?

Brock: Yes.

Jesse: Okay. So Ash, you used up all your lifelines. Which is it going to be? A) Misty, or d) Pikachu?

Ash: Um… I don't know. Can I take the money and run?

Jesse: There's no money involved.

Misty: Yes there is. Brock and me have a bet on this.

Jesse: How much for?

Misty: Um… one squashed Aero.

Jesse: Well, in that case, I'm afraid we need an answer.

Ash: Err… D!

Jesse: Is that your final answer?

Ash: Yes! I mean, no. No, I mean yes.

Jesse: Good. We'll see who gets the squashed chocolate after the break.

Brock: Buy Brock's own Pokéfood NOW, at your nearest supermarket! With no artificial ingredients!

Jesse: Welcome back. Now, Ash's answer was d), Pikachu.

Pikashippers: Yay!!!

Pokéshippers: Nooooooooooooooooooo…

Sarah: Get OUT!!!

Misty: Yesssssssssssssssss!!!

Ash: What's going on? What's the cheering about?

Brock: Ash, you just said you have a crush on Pikachu.

Ash: On PIKACHU??? No WAY!!! He's my friend, but he's a POKÉMON!!!

Jesse: **sigh** I hope I never become a real game show host. They always dress badly.

Brock: What are you cheering about? You just lost James's chocolate!

James: MY chocolate? WE'RE the thieves round here!

Tracey: Misty betted Ash would choose HER???

Misty: Ash didn't know what he was saying! It could have gone either way!

Butch: Yeah, just like James's s—

James: WHAT are you saying about me, Botch?

Cassidy: And our next contestant is James Morgan!

James: What?

Cassidy: You first question is, who does James like? Is it a) women, b) men, c) both, or d) neither?

Butch: Men! He likes men!

Jesse: You sound very hopeful, Butch…

Butch: I do NOT!!!

Cassidy: No fighting! This is not Jerry Springer!

Brock: Yes it is! Well, actually it's my show, but the "Brock Harrison Show" isn't as catchy.

Cassidy: Hey, you stole my show!

Brock: Get over it. Okay. Today's show is about secret relationships. We have Delia Ketchum and Professor Samuel Oak, who aren't sure how to tell Delia's son Ash about their relationship. Just quickly, I will mention that Samuel may or may not be Ash's father, we don't know, as Delia doesn't know.

Mrs Ketchum: We started going out soon after Ash left on his Pokémon journey. We were both lonely…

Brock: Does the age difference matter to you?

Prof. Oak: No, it doesn't matter that I'm sixty and Delia's only just thirty.

Audience: **make "whoooooh" sort of noises**

Brock: Okay, now, backstage, listening to everything we've said is Ash himself.

Ash: What on earth are you on about Brock?

Brock: I really don't know that it matters anymore.

…

Well, what are you waiting for? Fight you idiots! Kill each other! Swear!

Misty: Brock, I [bleep] and [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]

Mrs Ketchum: She didn't swear!

Brock: Yes, but that way it sounds like she did.

Misty: I want my own show! About… Mrs Ketchum and Professor Oak's worst excuses!

Mrs Ketchum: We just happened to go on holiday at the same time to the same place.

Prof. Oak: My shirt fell off.

Mrs Ketchum: I just fell over and then it—

Misty: It would be best if you kept it reasonably clean, Mrs K.

Mrs Ketchum: I—

Misty: Remember your son is watching this.

Mrs Ketchum: Okay. He came round to borrow a cookbook.

Prof. Oak: She got lost on the way home late at night and found her way to my house instead.

Misty: Those are BAD.

Tracey: The sad thing is, they really use those excuses!

Misty: No wonder the only person who hasn't realised what's going on is Ash.

Ash: What haven't I realised?

Misty: Ho boy…

Brock: Shall I tell him?

Misty: No, don't bother. They might as well get as much use as they can out of those excuses. They'll work on Ash.

Cassidy: James never answered my question!

Jesse: For goodness sake Cass, we all know he likes both.

Butch: I knew it.

Ash: What???

Misty: James likes men and women.

Ash: WHAT???

Misty: Oh, forget it.

Ash: No, what?

Misty: FORGET IT!!!

Ash: Forget WHAT???

Misty: That thing you never got in the first damn place!

Ash: How can I forget it if I never knew it in the first place???

Misty: **sigh**

Jesse: So, anyway, as we all KNOW Ash is stupid…

James: Err…

Brock: Anyone wanna play Truth Or Dare?

Misty: Sure, whatever.

Ash: How do you play that???

Misty: Sit here, and stop interrupting. That's how YOU play.

Cassidy: Who's going first?

Jesse: You are.

Cassidy: Why me???

Jesse: Well, you asked.

Cassidy: Fine, fine.

Brock: Okay. Truth or dare?

Cassidy: Ummm… Truth.

Brock: Um… Okay, have you ever had a crush on… James???

Cassidy: JAMES??? Um… **going red** Maybe.

Jesse: Cassidy, you are even sadder than I thought.

Cassidy: Why? He's YOUR partner!

Jesse: Exactly.

Brock: Ladies, please stop arguing. Uhh… Who next???

Cassidy: You. Truth or dare?

Brock: Um… dare.

Cassidy: Okay, go away, I want to discuss this with your "friends".

Brock: **muttering** Oh GREAT, what's Misty going to cook up for me now? They are just so…

Cassidy: Oh, Bro-ock! We got a really good one for you. You can't complain, you WANTED to play the stupid game.

Brock: Fine. What have I got to do?

Cassidy: Well… Kiss Misty!!!

Brock: Misty??? Oh… okay. **Gives Misty the quickest kiss on the cheek ever**

Cassidy: Jesse, do you think that should count? It was very quick…

Jesse: Yes it should count!

Cassidy: Don't be so immature. You're only saying that to disagree with me.

Jesse: You're the one playing childish games!!!

Cassidy: It was Brock's idea!

Jesse: Brock this, Brock that… You're getting a crush on one of the twerps!

Cassidy: I am not!

Misty: Shut UP, both of you.

Jesse: What's it to you?

Misty: Just shut up!!!

Cassidy: Oh, I get it. She doesn't like sharing Brock.

Misty: Don't be STUPID!

Jesse: Looks a bit embarrassed, doesn't she?

Cassidy: Absolutely. Misty fancies Brock! Misty fancies Bro-ock!

Misty: I DO NOT!!! I thought you too hated each other, anyway?

Jesse: We DO!!!

Misty: Yeah, yeah, whatever you say.

Ash: I finally figured it out!

Tracey: Figured what out?

Ash: This maths thing I was working out… Two plus two!

Misty: You've been working that out for half an hour?

Ash: Over an hour actually.

Misty: So amaze us with your brainpower. What is it?

Ash: Five!

Everyone except Ash: **falls over animé style**

Ash: Okay, so it's not five. It must be… six!!!

Everyone except Ash: **falls over again**

Brock: He never went to school, did he.

Gary: **sarcastically** What makes you say that???

Misty: You can't talk Gary; you haven't ever been to school either.

James: Actually, as far as I know, Jesse and me are the only ones who have been to school.

Misty: And you failed your exams miserably… Worst in the history of the school, I seem to remember, and you got kicked out, at which point you joined a bicycle gang.

James: Yes…

Misty: A really stupid bicycle gang.

James: Hey!

Jesse: It wasn't stupid!

Cassidy: Jesse, Jesse… It was.

James: At least I was in a bicycle gang, Botch!

Botch… Uh, Butch: HOW MANY TIMES! MY NAME AIN'T BOTCH!

James: It isn't?

Cassidy: No, how could THAT be a name?

Brock: We had that conversation already.

James: Oh… yeah.

Butch: Tell him to stop calling me Botch!

James: But Botch, the name suits you.

Ash: I don't get it. What's so funny about botch???

Misty: **sigh** If you don't know, then I'm not going to tell you.

Tracey: If you don't mind me saying, that's pretty stupid logic.

Misty: I do mind you saying. Especially from a guy who's in love with Prof. Oak!

Tracey: I am not in love with Prof. Oak! At least I'm not in love with Prima…

Misty: Prima? What the hell do you think that for???

Tracey: Oh, I have reasons.

Misty: Oh, even TRACEY is getting one up over me…

Tracey: I don't get it. Why does no one like me???

Brock: Do you want it in a list?

Misty: One, you wear a STUPID headband thing.

Jesse: Two, you have no personality.

James: Three, you're not as cute as Br—

Brock: Shut up James. Four, you replaced me.

Ash: Uhh… Six?

Everyone except Ash: FIVE!!!

Ash: Okay then, five, you're fat.

Tracey: Hey! That's not fair!

Sarah: Can I just point out he was designed that way? As if even his designers didn't like him.

Butch: Your voice is more annoying than James's.

Jesse: Those clothes are AWFUL.

Misty: What is with that hairstyle? It's terrible!

Cassidy: You have a GIRLS' name.

Tracey: Hmph. No one likes me.

Tracey supporter(s): We like you!

Sarah: Oh get out, you freaks.

Tracey: They like me???

Brock: No.

Tracey: Well, they just said—

Misty: Shut up and go back to sketching girls.

Tracey: I… uh… I sketch Pokémon!

Brock: Sure you do.

Misty: Just like Todd takes photos of Pokémon.

Todd: Hey, don't pick on me!

Misty: Oh come, on, you showed us that picture of James.

Todd: That was a one off. And I… **mumbles something too quiet to hear**

Misty: Oh yeah, what did you say? I didn't hear you.

Todd: I said… I said I thought he was a woman…

Misty: Ho, boy…

James: Wow! Someone though I—

Jesse: Oh, please. Don't embarrass yourself further.

James: I'm embarrassing myself?

Jesse: Fine then. Stop embarrassing me.

James: I'm not embara—

Jesse: SHUT UP JAMES!!!

James: I'm sorry Jesse. I'll never do it again, I promise.

Misty: She really has that man under control.

Brock: Obviously you don't think you can control us.

Ash: She couldn't control me.

Misty: **grabbing her mallet from… You don't want to know** SHUT UP YOU MORONS!!!

Brock: I'm sorry.

Ash: We'll do whatever you say…

Brock: As I'm a litter older and more mature than Ash, I think I'll change that to ALMOST anything.

Ash: Why?

Brock: One of Ash's "dads", please could you have a little talk with Ash about… stuff.

Ash: Stuff???

Brock: Dad… I think you should… explain.

Flint: Uh… Leave that to Prof. Oak.

Prof. Oak: Me? No… Leave that to Giovanni, he's Ash's dad… probably.

Giovanni: That's not the sort of job I want.

Koga: Don't ask me.

Captain Ayden: Or me. I'm… not very good at that sort of stuff.

Mateo: I'm certainly not going through all that…

Mrs Ketchum: Don't look at me; this is a job for his father.

Everyone except Brock: **looks at Brock**

Brock: What? Why me? I'm not his dad!

Misty: You're the breeder, Brock.

Brock: **going red** I'm not really specialised in human breeding… I already got in a bit mess with Prof. Ivy saying I was breeder…

Misty: **raising an eyebrow** Ah, so that's where she got that idea.

Prof. Oak: She? What do you mean, she?

Misty: Professor Ivy is a woman… at the moment.

Prof. Oak: Another James?

Misty: Exactly.

James: I saw her! I'm not as ugly as her!

Brock: Or sick-minded.

Ash: Another James? Wa? A woman at the moment?

Brock: So, one of you, I really think you better…

Misty: You're being such babies, I—

Everyone except Misty: You can tell him!

Misty: Me? Why me?

Brock: **muttering** Or just show him.

Misty: WHAT was that, Brock?

Brock: Oh, err, nothing.

Ash: Tell me WHAT?

Brock: Nothing.

Ash: Didn't sound like nothing.

Brock: He gets a brain cell the one time we didn't want him to.

Misty: Well, Ash…

Jesse: This could be interesting.

Cassidy: Why, think you might learn something?

Jesse: No, but I think this could be a time for Butch to learn some stuff…

Misty: Now, Ash, you see… Oh guys, help me.

Ash: Why can't you just TELL me?

Misty: **sigh** never mind. It's too adult for you. Wait, Todd, have you got any photos to help me? Or some drawings, Tracey?

Tracey: I don't draw things like… All right I do, but they're not suitable for Ash to see.

Todd: Same here.

Misty: We'll leave Ash's little human biology lesson for another day then.

Ash: I'm confused. My head hurts.

Misty: Great. It's like having two Psyducks. Except one can talk.

Ash: You're comparing me to Psyduck?

Misty: Nah, you're too stupid to compare with Psyduck.

Psyduck: Psy yii yii duck-duck-duck!

Misty: I stand corrected.

Brock: Sometimes Misty, I think you're too mean to Ash. Then I think about it, and realise you're right.

Ash: Hey!

Cassidy: Don't insult him! He's put us in jail three times, how stupid do you think that makes US?

Butch: Yeah.

Jesse: It's called Twerp's Dumb Luck Syndrome, TDLS. He always beats us because we're the bad guys and he has TDLS.

Gary: Yeah, Ash has TDLS, whereas I have skill.

Misty: Well, I wouldn't say that. Even as a rival, you're entitled to your own amount of TDLS.

Gary: Heyyyy…

Misty: Gary, take it from me, you have TDLS. But also BHLS.

Gary: BHLS???

Misty: Big-headed loser syndrome.

Gary: Heyyyy…

Misty: It's true. It's what caused your appallingly bad loss at the Indigo League.

Gary: Hey, it wasn't that bad!!!

Misty: Come off it Gareth Oak, you were worse than ASH, and that's saying something.

Gary: My name's Gary.

Misty: Short for Gareth Oak.

Gary: You don't have to rub it in.

Tracey: Are you just going to stand around all day discussing TDLS???

Officer Jenny: I've come to arrest… arrest… someone. I don't care who; I just need to arrest someone.

Ash: Take Team Rocket, they're the criminals.

Jesse: Maybe, but we have the right to a fair trial.

Officer Jenny: No you don't actually. Uh… we don't know how to hold a trial.

Ash: Officer Jennies aren't quite… They aren't very good policewomen, are they?

Jesse: They have you helping them most of the time; of course they're not.

Misty: For goodness sake, just take Tracey.

Tracey: Me? But I haven't—

Misty: Spying charges. Watching people so you can sketch them is most likely illegal.

Officer Jenny: Yes. Come with me.

Tracey **as he is dragged off** Can I sketch a picture of you, Jenny?

Misty: Yessssssssssss! We got rid of him!

Tracey: I'll get revenge on you!

Brock: Ha, what can he do from inside jail?

Misty: Nothing. Now we can forget he ever existed.

Brock: Hey Jesse, what's your favourite film?

Jesse: Titanic.

Misty: This is too… civilised for my liking. Anyone want to do knife throwing? Sumo-wrestling?

Brock: Our only sumo-wrestler got arrested. My favourite film is… um… I'm not sure.

Misty: Um, hello? Violence?

Brock: Do you always have to be violent?

Misty: Yes. Do you have to chat up Jesse?

Brock: I wasn't!

Misty: Yes you were!

Brock: I was trying to make civilised conversation.

Misty: Do you always have to be civilised?

Brock: Well, no one else was saying anything. And besides, I was forgetting Tracey ever existed.

Misty: Oh, that's fair enough then.

**Long Pause**

Brock: If no one's going to say anything I'm going to watch TV. **Pulls a wide screen TV out of his bag**

Misty: What you going to watch?

Brock: Uh… I could watch snooker, or news, or some weird soap opera, or… **channel hopping** adverts. Get a loan, sue someone for an accident, they don't understand 'accident' do they?, a tissue in the laundry? **incredibly fake** How did you know that was my absolute worst nightmare?

Ash: Brock, you never do any laundry.

Misty: Ash, he was being sarcastic.

Ash: He was? Oh.

Misty: You don't understand sarcasm, do you?

Ash: Well, uh, no, not really.

Misty: Oh, that's just great.

Ash: Is it?

Misty: **sigh**

Brock: So, if anyone has absolutely anything to say, please say it now.

**silence**

A random Pokéshipper: This is the bit where Misty confesses her love to Ash and—

Sarah: No! What is it with you shipper freaks? Get out!

Pokéshipper: Well, you must believe in one shipping.

Sarah: This is a story about the characters of Pokémon, not about me. But okay. This is what I believe… Misty has a crush on Ash that fades as the series goes on. Misty gains a crush on Brock as the series goes on, seeing Brock as a slightly better guy than Ash, as Brock (probably) has at least one brain cell. Ash doesn't know what a crush is. Brock either seriously is obsessed with Jenny and Joy and all the others, or he's… covering up something. I think rocketshipping is real, but Jesse doesn't know how to show her feelings to people and James just has strange fantasies (probably involving Brock) sometimes. Neorocketshipping… it just seems to fit, although I don't know that much about Butch and Cassidy. So what it comes down to is a threesome with Ash, Misty, and Brock; Jesse and James like each other but James… is James, I suppose; Butch and Cassidy are most likely, they spend a lot of time alone together, in jail for instance, and Tracey is only fit to love Magikarp.

Ash: You're right, I don't know what a crush is…

Misty: Hey, a threesome?

James: And how do you know about my… daydreams?

Brock: And just what would I be covering up?

Pokéshipper: So you're a pokéshipper?

Sarah: No.

Cassidy: You're making assumptions that just because there's rocketshipping then there must be neorocketshipping?

Sarah: No. Now shut up all of you, that's just what I think. Anyway, I believe in Adultshipping too (Mrs K and Prof. Oak), and I DON'T support but I think Brocketshipping (James version) is very funny. And possible.

James: How did you know about my daydreams? I didn't even tell Jesse!!!

Jesse: Like it isn't obvious.

James: What do you mean?

Jesse: James….

James: I'm sorry Jesse. Just don't hit me with that mallet again.

Jesse: If I wanted to be really mean I could invite Jessebelle to come and see you…

James: No! No! Please don't…

Butch: Oh, go on. This could be funny.

Cassidy: Absolutely hilarious.

Jessebelle: James, James, where are you?

James: Hide me!!! Get her away from me!

Jessebelle: James…

James: No, no, stay away from me, keep that whip away from me, keep your Pokémon away from me, and just stay away from me!!!

Jessebelle: Oh, but James—

James: No, not that whip! Oh Jesse, help me…

Jessebelle: You're not whining properly!

Jesse: You know, that whip does seem a little bit… well, I don't know how that one got past the dubbers.

Misty: Not to mention those noises.

Jesse: It's funny though.

James: It's not funny; just keep her AWAY FROM ME!!!

Jessebelle: Oh, but James, don't you want to marry me?

James: No! Funnily enough, I don't!!!

Jessebelle: Oh, but James…

James: Helllllllllllllllllllllllppppppppppppppppppp!!!

Jessebelle: James, you're not yelling properly!

Jesse: **whispers something to James**

James: Great idea! **runs out**

Jessebelle: James? James, my darling, where are you going?

James: Hi again everyone.

Jessebelle: James, what are you doing wearing makeup and a dress?

James: Didn't I tell you? I wear this every night and during the day a lot too.

Jessebelle: What? Nooooooooooooooooo!!!

James: If I married you Jessebelle, I could borrow your clothes!

Jessebelle: Well, uh… **runs**

Cassidy: That's it! This is boring! We're going to steal your Pokémon!

James: **sneaks off to change back to his usual clothes, which takes about two seconds, and then comes back**

Jesse: Not if we steal them first!

Ash: No one's stealing my Pokémon! Pikachu, go!

Pikachu: **lazily** Pika.

Ash: Pikachu!!! You can't quit now! Team Rocket will steal you!!!

Misty: Ash, sit on your lazy arse and wait. Whatever happens Team Rocket won't get Pikachu. You know full well they won't. It's not as if you could ever be scared of those morons.

Ash: But, Misty…

Misty: Pikachu will be fine.

Ash: But Misty—

Misty: Ash! Shut up!

Ash: But Misty, Cassidy and that green-haired-guy-with-a-bad-voice, uhh, Botch? just ran off with Pikachu.

Misty: Good.

Ash: Good???

Misty: He was a bad influence on Togepi.

Ash: Togepi tried to kill Pikachu! Over and over again!

Misty: Exactly.

Ash: But Togepi is evil!

Togepi: Toge brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! **blows the room up**

Misty: Oh, Togepi, are you hurt?

Brock: Misty it tried to kill us all!

Misty: It didn't mean it.

Brock: It did, it's EVIL!!! Get rid of it! **grabs Togepi and sends it flying up into the air**

Misty: Togepiiiiiiii!!!!

Brock: It's all right. Team Rocket blast off lots of times and they're fine.

Misty: But Togepi is an EGG!

Brock: I'll get you a new baby to look after. One that isn't trying to kill us. But for now I think we should find out where we are.

Ash: What happened?

Jesse: We blasted off. Trust me, we're used to it.

Ash: But WE can't blast off, we—I'll sue that egg… if it survived.

Jesse: In that case I think you ought to go and find some money because we can sue you for all the times you've blasted us off.

Cassidy: **running up from behind everyone else** We—hey, how did you get here?

Misty: And now…

Butch: **running into Cassidy** Ow! **throws Pikachu in the air and he lands in Ash's arms.**

Misty: Told you.

Pikachu: Pika. **Translation: "this happens every episode, and I'm flippin' fed up of it, why can't Ash take better care of me?"**

Ash: What's that Pikachu? You're happy to be back with me? I'm happy to have you back, buddy!

Sarah: Can I just do a register? I don't know who's here and I can't write if I don't know who is where. Ash?

Ash: Here, Ms Writer-Person.

Sarah: Hmph. Jesse?

Jesse: Yeah.

Sarah: Misty? James?

Misty: Yes.

James: Think so.

Sarah: Ah heck, this takes too long. Uhh… currently we have: Ash, Jesse, Misty, James, Brock, Cassidy, Butch, Gary, Mrs Ketchum, Prof. Oak, Flint, Giovanni, Mateo, Koga, Captain Ayden, Todd, Pikachu, Psyduck, a Pokéshipper, and… that's it.

Misty: Pokéshipper? Go home, freak!

Sarah: Yeah. Go! **kicks him out**

Brock: So where are we?

Misty: Beats me. Don't you have a map?

Brock: Well, I did, but… **sweatdrops**

Jesse: But… come on, we have to know where we are!

Brock: I traded it.

Ash: What did you trade it for?

Brock: I traded it for…

James: Yesss…

Brock: Tracey's hentai.

Everyone: **falls over animé-style**

Cassidy: So Tracey has the map.

Brock: No. He traded it for…

Prof. Oak: What? What?

Brock: I'm not sure… I was slightly drunk at the time, but I think… I know! He traded it with Misty for her Harry Potter collection!

Misty: Uhh… That's true, but…

James: What?

Misty: Well, I remembered I hadn't quite finished reading it. So I had to go and find someone who had the last book. And… this guy was standing in the shadows, in a red suit, he had a Persian… he wanted to get rid of the evidence that he'd been reading Harry Potter, but he needed a map, so it worked out fine.

Giovanni: Yes, I had the map. But then I traded it for…

Ash: Whhhaatt??? What did you trade it for???

Giovanni: A Babysitters Club book.

Jesse: The Boss reads some weird stuff.

Misty: So who did you trade it with?

Giovanni: Ash.

Brock: Ash, do you have that map?

Ash: Well… uh… yes.

Everyone: **falls over animé-style**

Brock: Well, give it here then.

Ash: What, for free? Just because I can't read maps!!!

Brock: Fine. What do you want to trade it for?

Ash: I want my book back.

Misty: Ash, you can't read.

Ash: No, I just liked the picture on the front.

Mrs Ketchum: Giovanni dear, please give my son his book back.

Giovanni: I'll trade it, but I'm not giving it back.

Brock: Trade with me.

Giovanni: What would you trade it for?

Brock: Four of Tracey's sketches and a few of Todd's photos.

Giovanni: Make it five.

Brock: Done! Now, Ash, you can have your book back if I can have that map…

Ash: He hasn't dented the cover has he?

Brock: Not… much.

Ash: Well… throw in another book and I'll give you the map.

Brock: I don't have any Babysitter Club books! Except this one…

Misty: I've got some… don't look at me like that! I used to read them! They're… at home. I'll ring Daisy and ask her to send it to us.

Brock: We don't know where we are.

Jesse: Well… I have one… or two…

Ash: Well, I don't want any old one. I only want ones that have pictures of the blonde ones on the front.

Jesse: God, you're fussy. I have… these ones. Brock, I'll trade them with you…

Brock: What for?

Jesse: One of your Pokémon?

Brock: I'm not trading a book for one of my Pokémon!

Jesse: I have the entire set… even the specials and the mysteries and the most recent ones.

Brock: That's tempting.

Jesse: Well, I'll trade the whole set for Onix.

Giovanni: I want those books!

Jesse: I'll give them to you if you forgive us for screwing up so often.

Giovanni: Done!

Brock: What about me?

Giovanni: I'll trade my doubles for a Pokémon.

Brock: Well, I do like Onix… but I'm the only one who can read maps. Okay!

Giovanni: I have the whole set! I have them all! I'm so great! Whoo!

Cassidy: The Boss has gone NUTS.

Giovanni: Hey, do you want to get fired?

Cassidy: Sorry Boss.

Brock: So, Ash, all these books for that tatty old map…

Ash: Great!!!

Brock: Ash… did you spill anything on this map?

Ash: Just the coffee I stole—borrowed from your bag.

Brock: Well I can't read it now!!!

Ash: Oh.

Misty: So what you're saying after all that is that we don't actually have a map?

Brock: No. We have a map; just it's covered in coffee.

Misty: Ohhhhhh…

Mrs Ketchum: It's all right. I have a map right here!

Brock: You didn't think to mention it? Give it here then.

Mrs Ketchum: For free? No way. But I'll trade it…

Brock: No more trading! But I'll gamble for it… Anyone got a pack of cards?

Giovanni: I'll trade them.

Brock: No!!!

Nurse Joy: **appearing out of nowhere** What on earth are all of you doing in the forest? There are dangerous Pokémon here, you know.

James: D-d-dan-dangerous?

Nurse Joy: You better come inside the Pokémon Centre right away.

Misty: What Pokémon Centre?

Nurse Joy: The one just past those trees.

Brock: And no one told us that?

Nurse Joy: Well, you can see it from here.

Jesse: Where's Meowth?

Meowth: I was off drinkin' wit' some old friends.

Jesse: Oh, hi Meowth.

James: It's a charging Nidoking!!!

Everyone: (Ash, Jesse, Misty, James, Brock, Cassidy, Butch, Gary, Mrs Ketchum, Professor Oak, Flint, Giovanni, Mateo, Koga, Captain Ayden, Todd, Pikachu, Psyduck, Meowth, and Nurse Joy, if you're interested) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! **run**

Ash: **in the Poké-Centre** Where's Misty? And Brock?

Jesse: Your friends have disappeared, Twerp???

Ash: I think so. Misty? Brock?

Cassidy: They're not here. I think I saw them run off in the other direction.

Ash: I hope they're all right.

Jesse: They'll be fine. Probably better than fine.

Ash: Why?

Butch: They'll be fine… and if they get cold they can snuggle up together.

Jesse: So true… Ash might be missing out on something, stuck in the warm with all of us.

Ash: What do you mean?

Prof. Oak: You'll understand when you're older.

Jesse: Somehow I doubt he'll ever get it.

Cassidy: Someone PLEASE explain to him.

Flint: Brock can tell him!

Mrs Ketchum: Yes, as soon as he gets back, he can tell Ash all about it.

Todd: Fifteen minutes.

Mrs Ketchum: What?

Todd: They'll be back in fifteen minutes.

Jesse: Twelve.

Todd: Twelve?

Jesse: Yeah, fifteen minutes is too long.

Todd: Sounds like you've had some experience.

Jesse: **shrugs** Maybe.

Psyduck: Psy yii yii! Duck-duck-psy! **translation: "where is that evil orange-haired freak who constantly abuses and threatens me whom I have tried to escape from but keeps taking me back despite saying she hates me?"**

Ash: What's that Psyduck? You miss Misty???

Psyduck: Psy!!! **translation: "No! I'm glad she's gone! Train me so I can evolve and swim away!"**

Ash: I miss her too. Don't worry Psyduck; she'll be back soon. So long as she didn't get eaten by Nidoking.

Jesse: She's only been gone a few minutes and you miss her.

Ash: So? She could have got eaten. And so could Brock.

Jesse: They haven't got eaten yet. Why should they get eaten now???

Flint: I'm not worried and that's my son out there.

Ash: You have some more sons.

Flint: That isn't the point! And just because I ran off and left them once…

Jesse: So what are we going to? Sit around and wait for the Twerps to come back?

Butch: What else is there to do?

Mondo: Hi guys!

Jesse: Mondo, it would be much easier for us all if you could turn up WHEN we need help like you're paid to do than to turn up AFTER we're all safe again.

Mondo: Sorry about that. I was looking for my Pokémon cards. Anyone want to trade?

James: We've had more than enough trading today.

Ash: I will! **goes off into a corner to trade cards with Mondo, aka a member of Team Rocket *gasp! A Twerp and a Rocket doing a friendly trade! (Have to be careful what you say or next thing you know you get labelled as a Satondo/Montochi* **

Prof. Oak: After all that, he still wants to trade?

Ash: Hey! No fair!

Mondo: Of course it's fair! Two of these for that… it's a perfectly fair trade!

Sarah: Like I said, a friendly trade.

Jesse: Will you two SHUT UP?

Mondo: Sorry Jess.

Misty: **running in with Brock** Hi guys! We uh, got lost.

Brock: Yeah, totally lost. In the woods. Then uh… we both messed up our hair because we… we… ran into trees.

Jesse: I won't even ask what you've been doing.

Misty: Suit yourself. Hey Ash, how are you? Did you miss us?

Jesse: Did he?!?!? He was moping about you being gone but then he had a chat with Psyduck and then he and Mondo went to trade Pokémon cards.

Ash: No way am I trading that! I've got four of those!

Mondo: I've got six! How about a Digimon card then?

Ash: Digimon cards? Yeah, okay.

Mrs Ketchum: Oh, no… he already cost me a fortune in those Pokémon cards, without starting on Digimon ones as well.

James: Jesse, I'm bored. Can I borrow your clothes?

Jesse: No.

James: Your makeup then?

Jesse: No!

James: Oh, pllleeeeeaaasee.

Jesse: No!!! You always mess it all up.

James: No I don't…

Cassidy: Buy him some of his own for Christmas.

Jesse: I would if I could be bothered to buy his a present. And if he didn't want to wear it in public.

James: It must be lunchtime by now…

Ash: Lunch? **jumps up and chucks cards in all directions** Come on Mondo, lets go get the food!

Nurse Joy: I'm afraid we're out of all food except the 100% artificial PokéChow for Oddishes!

Ash: I don't care what it is as long as it's edible!

James: I agree! Give it!

Nurse Joy: It's six months out of date.

Mondo: We don't care!

Nurse Joy: There's three pellets left.

Ash: That's good enough! **stuffs all three pellets into his mouth**

James: How's it taste?

Ash: Mmm, pretty good actually. Except I've eaten it all.

James: You mean there's not even 100%-artificial-out-of-date-Oddish-food anymore???

Mondo: Ash you PIG!!!

Ash: **wiping a crumb off his chin** What?

Brock: There really isn't anything???

Nurse Joy: Chansey and Blissey ate it all. They didn't even save any for the sick Pokémon or me. Then they ran away some place.

Misty: **winking at Brock** Can't think why…

Brock: No, why would two Pokémon want to run off into the forest together?

Misty and Brock: **burst out laughing**

Ash: What's so funny?

Misty: Nothing Ash, nothing.

Brock: You'll understand when you're older.

Ash: Why does everyone keep saying that?

Prof. Oak: Hey… Mondo… Maybe you would like to have a "little chat" with Ash.

Mondo: What, about…? Ohhhh. No. Don't even ask me.

Gary: This is so boring… None of you are good enough trainers to battle me, anyway.

Ash: I could so beat you! What happened to your car and your cheerleaders, anyway?

Gary: They asked for more pay, and I said no, so they took my car and left. Hey girls, want to be my cheerleaders?

Misty: Jesse, Cassidy, Mrs Ketchum, James? Want to try it?

Misty, Jesse, Cassidy, Mrs Ketchum, and James: Gary! Gary! He's uh… he's… the best… he…

Gary: You're hopeless. I don't suppose any of you have a car???

Misty: Nope. Butch might have one though. Or Mondo.

Gary: No, it's okay. I guess I can cope without cheerleaders.

James: Is Meowth okay?

Meowth: **dances around the room**

Jesse: He's drunk, that's all.

Nurse Joy: You let your Pokémon get DRUNK?

Jesse: Believe me woman, he ain't ours.

Nurse Joy: So whose is it???

Giovanni: Actually, that worthless fleabag is technically mine, but since I gave it to Jesse and James…

Nurse Joy: Someone should take care of that poor Pokémon!

Jesse: Meowth can take care of himself. No one else wants him.

Nurse Joy: That's terrible! I'm going to look after it until I can find it a real owner.

Jesse: I'm warning you, not too many people want a talking Meowth with a criminal record. And he's done a pretty good job of looking after himself so far.

Nurse Joy: Well, it would be a lot of work, and there isn't any food anyway, so I guess you'll have to keep it.

Officer Jenny: **bursting through the door** Tracey said he's innocent, so I naturally believed him and let him go. Well, that and he let me look through his sketchbook.

Tracey: Hi again guys!

Misty: No, I tell you, you have to arrest him!

Officer Jenny: It's too much work. Have you got anything *strong* I can drink?

Nurse Joy: Sorry, Chansey and Blissey took it all.

Officer Jenny: Ohh. **collapses into a chair.**

Brock: Tracey, why did you have to come back? I mean, it's rude enough just being alive when nobody wants you*…

(* A very funny quote from Shrek.)

Tracey: Well, no one else wanted me so I came here.

Brock: We don't particularly want you here either, but it looks like we're stuck with you.

Tracey: Well, thanks.

Brock: Next time just stay in jail.

Tracey: What do you mean, next time? You think I'll get arrested again?

Brock: We can always hope.

Misty: We can always arrange it.

Tracey: You really don't like me, do you?

Misty: No!

Ash: Want to trade some more Mondo?

Mondo: Yeah, sure.

Ash: But these ones on the floor are all mine.

Mondo: No they're not I dropped some too!!!

Ash: You did not!

Misty: **sigh** It's nice to see them get along.

Ash: Well this one is MINE!

Mondo: No it isn't, I know that's mine!

Jesse: Will you two SHUT UP? I'm trying to think.

Cassidy: You might want to go and have a nap then. Thinking makes you tired when you don't do it often.

Jesse: SHUT UP!!! I'm just thinking…

James: About what?

Jesse: Well…

James: Yes…

Jesse: About… oh damn, I forgot that it was.

Cassidy: I told you thinking wasn't a very good idea for someone with as little brainpower as you.

Jesse: It was very important… but I don't know what it was…

James: Maybe it had something to do with Pikachu.

Jesse: No…

Ash: Pokémon training?

Jesse: No!

Brock: Food?

Jesse: I don't think so…

Misty: You're driving us all crazy, so just remember it!

Jesse: I can't remember what it was!!!

Ash: It was probably lunch. I know I'm hungry.

Jesse: I already said it wasn't about food.

Misty: Yeah, but Ash never listens.

Ash: Brock, I'm hungry…

James: Jesse, I'm starving…

Misty: Will you two quit whining? It's so annoying.

Brock: Nurse Joy, which town are we in?

Nurse Joy: Don't ask me. Ask Jenny.

Misty: Brock… why aren't you going completely mental over Jenny and Joy?

Brock: I guess I figured how ugly they were.

Officer Jenny: In that case I'm not telling you. I wouldn't tell you even if I DID know where we are.

Ash: I'm hungry… Brock, feed me…

Brock: I'm too knackered to be bothered to get up and there isn't any food to give you.

Misty: Yeah… it's been a long day… I'm going… to… sleep…

Ash: Well, I'm not tired.

Brock: You drank loads of coffee, didn't you?

Ash: Well, not that much…

James: Why do they get the chairs and we get the floor? And why is everyone going to sleep?

Jesse: Because… they're the good guys…

James: But Mondo…

Jesse: The dubbers don't know who he is… probably figured a trainer… and… it's a strange plot…

Ash: Everyone is asleep except me! Well, maybe some evil force sent them to sleep and I'm only awake because of the wonderful coffee, but I can't be bothered to save them because I want to have some fuuuuuuuunnnn!!! I wonder if there's any more coffee???? **walks to the kitchen** Coffee! Yesss!!! More coffee!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! I'm hyper I'm hyper I'm hyper I'm—oh, what do you want?

Chansey: Chansey chan-chansey—

Blissey: Forget all that rubbish, Chansey! We are here to take over the world!

Ash: That's real nice but I want more coffee right now loads more give it give it give it! More more more!

Chansey: This could be a tricky one.

Blissey: I agree. What should we do?

Chansey: We'll have to knock him out.

Blissey: Give me the mallet, I want to do it!

Chansey: Why should you have all the fun? Give it here!

Blissey: No! **hits Ash over the head**

Chansey: I don't understand. Why isn't he falling down?

Ash: I've been hit over the head by a mallet so many times it doesn't hurt anymore!!! I'm going to find more coffee! Hey, you stupid Pokémon, get outta my way I'm hyper let me past!

Chansey: We can't.

Ash: I won't tell anyone I don't even KNOW about your plan to take over the world.

Blissey: Chansey?

Chansey: Let him go. Nothing can stop us now! Bwhahahahahahahahahaha!

Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff! Jiggly jiggly jigga-ly puff!

Chansey: Noooooooooooooo!

Jigglypuff: **singing** Jigga-lypuff, jigg-a-lee…

Blissey: I'm… so… tired…

Ash: What's up with you guys?

Jigglypuff: Jiggly? Jiggly!!! **translation: "what? You stayed awake for my whole song!!!"**

Ash: I guess I did. It must have been all that coffee. Get me more magical coffee! Now now now! Coffee for me!!!

Jigglypuff: Jiggly jiggly puff! **translation: "weird kid! I'm off!"**

Ash: No, don't leave, Jigglypuff!!! Oh well. Lalalalalalalalala, I'm Ash, lalalalalala, I'm so great, I'm a Pokémon trainer, I—what's the point in being hyper and boasting if no one's around to hear it?

Brock: Hey Ash.

Ash: Brock! I thought you were asleep!

Brock: And you were talking to yourself.

Ash: Yes I-no, I uh… well…

Brock: Did anything interesting happen while the rest of us were asleep?

Ash: Well, lemme think about that one… no.

Misty: Hey Ash.

Ash: Is EVERYONE going to appear and go "hey Ash"???

Mrs Ketchum: Hi Ash.

James: Yo Ash.

Mondo: Hello Ash.

Ash: Shut UP everyone! I have a headache!

Brock: Probably all that coffee and then the being hyper.

Psyduck: Psy duck-duck-duck!

Misty: Psyduck, will you go away? You're giving us all a headache!

Psyduck: Psy-yii-yii.

Misty: Does anyone know where we are?

Brock: Don't start that again.

Mrs Ketchum: I want to go home, but I don't know how to get there.

Prof. Oak: Yes, we—I mean, I—have to get back and look after Mr. Mi—the Pokémon.

Brock: Well no one knows where we are.

Misty: We could just go out, and start walking.

Brock: **sarcastically** Great idea Misty.

Misty: Good! Psyduck, get back in your Pokéball!

Ash: Pikachu, get back on my head.

Todd: Where's—ah, there's my camera.

Officer Jenny: Leave me out, I'm not going anywhere.

Nurse Joy: It's my PokéCentre. I'm staying.

Misty: So who is coming? Ash, Jesse, me, James, Brock, Tracey, Cassidy, Butch, Gary, Mrs Ketchum, Prof. Oak, Flint, Giovanni, Mateo, Koga, Captain Ayden, Todd, Pikachu, and Meowth. Could be uh, interesting.

Brock: We could steal Jenny's motorbike, that way some of us could go off and find out where we are, then come back.

Officer Jenny: Leave my bike alone.

Nurse Joy: Did you park it in the driveway or inside the building this time?

Officer Jenny: Well duh, inside. It's raining.

Mrs Ketchum: We better not go if it's raining. Someone might catch a cold.

Misty: Who cares? If we stay here Ash and Mondo will argue, Psyduck will continue to be a pain, and we'll all get fed up of being squashed into one room together when most of us hate each other anyway.

Mrs Ketchum: Okay, but Ash must wear a coat.

Ash: Mom, I don't HAVE a coat!

Mrs Ketchum: Okay, okay.

Misty: So, we're going? **leans towards the door**

Brock: Hey, wait for us!

Misty: It's raining… quite a lot.

Jesse: Wait, where's Meowth? Oh, there he is. James, you better carry him.

James: Why me?

Jesse: Be a gentleman for ONCE in your boring and feminine life, James.

James: But my arms will get tired.

Jesse: Who CARES?

Misty: Uh, guys… it's not just raining a little bit…

Ash: Oh, who cares? Get out the way.

Misty: Careful Ash, you might drown.

Ash: Don't be stupid Misty, I—

**Rain pours in through the door**

Nurse Joy: Shut the door, shut the door!!! Are you trying to flood the PokéCentre?

Brock: Actually, it might be a good idea to block up the bottom of the door. Otherwise we ARE going to flood.

Misty: How long would we be stuck in here?

Brock: I think… probably only a week.

Misty: ONLY a week? With no food?

Brock: Well, it's getting worse and on the TV they said there were flood warnings somewhere… probably here.

Misty: But if we leave now we might—

Brock: Drown.

Jesse: And ruin my hair.

Ash: Hey, guys… there's water running through under the door.

Tracey: **from the kitchen** Hey, Nurse Joy, I came out to the kitchen to, uh, well anyway, your washing machine is flooding all over the kitchen floor!

Nurse Joy: Great.

Misty: At least we won't be short of anything to drink.

Pikachu: **running up to the window** Pika pika pikaCHU!!!

Mondo: Ash, is Pikachu all right?

Ash: Yeah, it just means there's a thunderstorm coming.

Misty: I hope the power doesn't… **blinks in the sudden darkness** Go out.

Brock: So we have no food, no power, and… too much water?

Cassidy: Looks like it.

Ash: Pikachu could generate enough power to—

Misty: Ash, for once in your stupid life could you please NOT be stupid? What are you trying to do? Kill Pikachu?

Ash: No… I'm afraid of the dark.

Cassidy: Well, Butch's Ninetales he stole a few weeks ago could light a fire in the fireplace that's full of wood…

Butch: Yeah, go on Ninetales—Ninetales? Oh great. It can't be bothered to light a fire for us.

Ash: Ninetales? This is a job for Dexter.

Dexter: Nine-tales. This—go and look for yourself, lazy twerp!

Ash: Funny. Dexter's never said that before.

Prof. Oak: Well, how often do you use it without bothering to even look at the Pokémon first?

Ash: Well, every time I see a Pokémon I haven't seen before or in a long time.

Prof. Oak: Ah. So Dexter thought you were being lazy. Actually you were.

Gary: I study Pokémon so I don't have to check the Pokédex first.

Ash: Yeah, well I don't read books, I catch Pokémon!

Gary: Number one, that's because you CAN'T read, and secondly, you haven't caught anywhere near as many Pokémon as me.

Ash: Show off.

Gary: I'm not showing off, it's just a FACT.

Ash: Well I make friends with my Pokémon, that's why I—

Gary: Then you abandon your Pokémon.

Jesse: Like you abandoned Pikachu in that forest, and Charizard in that valley. They didn't WANT to be left behind.

Ash: Will you shut up? I don't know everything.

Misty: That's not what you normally tell us.

Mrs Ketchum: Will everyone STOP arguing? It's getting on my nerves.

Jesse: You get on my nerves, what with your underwear obsessions and you winning bikini competitions and—

Mrs Ketchum: You're still bothered about that?

Jesse: They should have had an age limit in that competition.

Mrs Ketchum: Oh yeah, well they should have—

Misty: SHUT UP!!!

Ash: Misty, you have such a big mouth.

Brock: He's right you know.

Misty: Will you leave off?

James: Someone just trod on my foot.

Cassidy: Who cares?

James: It was you who stood on my foot!!

Cassidy: So what if it was?

James: Well it HURT!

Cassidy: Because you're a wimp.

Jesse and Butch: Shut UP!!!

Ash: I don't like the dark.

Misty: Tough luck. What are you gonna do about it?

Ash: Hasn't someone got a torch?

Misty: No.

Pikachu: Pika!!! **translation: "my feet are getting all wet, someone stop the water getting in or we'll all get flooded and drown!"**

Ash: What's that Pikachu? Your sparks couldn't light up the Pokémon Centre; it's too dark… my socks are getting all wet…

Misty: Eeewww, the inside of my shoe is getting all wet… it's horrible…

James: Jesse, why didn't we get waterproof boots?

Jesse: Because the Boss is too stingy—uh, because WE forgot to, James.

Nurse Joy: Everyone get upstairs where it's dry.

Ash: Where are the stairs?

Nurse Joy: Well, the doorway must be—ow, no, that's a wall… this way! Everyone grab hands and we'll go upstairs.

Ash: Uhh…

Misty: Ash, do you want to drown? Hold someone's hand!

James: Whose hand have I got?

Butch: Mine.

James: Butch? I don't want to hold his ha—

Jesse: James, you're both wearing gloves. What does it matter?

Ash: Uhh…

Misty: Ash, if you have a problem with holding someone's hand then grab my arm or something—Ash that isn't my arm.

Ash: Sorry. Is this your arm?

Misty: Yes! Have you got Pikachu?

Ash: I don't know… yeah, he's on my head.

Brock: Someone hold my hand!

Misty: Brock for goodness sake hold mine.

Nurse Joy: Has everyone got someone's hand?

Mrs Ketchum: I have Samuel—Prof. Oak's but we're not attached to anyone else.

Nurse Joy: Just grab on to someone and come upstairs.

James: Hey slow down; don't pull me up the stairs… argh! **trips and has a domino-effect**

Misty: Who pushed us up the stairs?

James: I fell over.

Misty: If I could see where you were then I'd hit you!

Nurse Joy: If you'd all SHUT UP maybe we'd get there without any more accidents!

Brock: Where are we going anyway?

Nurse Joy: Upstairs.

Brock: I know that, I mean, what's upstairs?

Nurse Joy: Well, there's a bedroom…

Brock: **sarcastically** Oh great.

Ash: Uh, Nurse Joy, where's the bathroom?

Misty: This really isn't the time for that Ash.

Ash: I don't care, I need to go!

Misty: Well how are you supposed to find it in the dark? Besides, with our luck with water, the toilet will definitely flood.

Ash: I don't care!

Nurse Joy: It's opposite the stairs... Just go straight across. Then we'll be in the room next to it.

Ash: It's where?

Nurse Joy: **sigh** Just keep walking.

Misty: **quietly** Doo, doo, doo-be-doo-be-doo…*

(* That annoying "doo-doo" song from Pikachu's Rescue Adventure).

Brock and Misty: Doo, doo, doo-ber-b-doo be-doo, doo-b-dee-ber-doo, doo- doo, doo-doo.

Cassidy: It's bad enough we're all stuck here in the dark, without some of you singing.

Ash: I found my way in here in the dark! I ow--I just walked into a door.

Mondo: I know what we can do to pass the time! Let's all sing!

Ash: That's a great idea!

Butch: Actually, it isn't a bad idea…

Mondo, Ash, and Butch: Ten green bottles, hanging on the wall, ten green bottles, ha—

Cassidy: Shut UP!!! Butch, you know what I think of your singing voice.

Butch: I can't help having this voice!

Cassidy: Yes, but you don't have to SING!

Jesse: **quietly** Ten green spiders, hanging on the wall; ten green spiders, hanging on the wall. And if one of those spiders, should accidentally fall, then it'll crawl up your trousers, and paralyse your ba—

Cassidy: No SINGING!!!

Brock: So what ARE we going to do, stuck in here in the dark???

Cassidy: I'd go to sleep, but there isn't room.

Misty: That's because James is hogging all the space.

James: I am not! Ash is taking up twice as much space as me!

Ash: I'm NOT!

Mrs Ketchum: Will you stop singing and stop arguing? I have a headache.

Misty: I want to know which one of those guys is Ash's father.

Mrs Ketchum: Well I don't know. It could be any of them.

Prof. Oak: Someone's sat on my foot.

Giovanni: Well if you can think of a better place to sit then I'd like to hear it.

Prof. Oak: Yes. Off my foot!

Flint: Shut up both of you.

Brock: Shut up all three of you. You're only here because you might be Ash's dad.

Flint: I've got enough sons already, without having him.

Prof. Oak: It… wouldn't look very good if I were the father. It would ruin the good name of Oak.

Gary: Grandpa, you don't really think that you could be that loser's father, do you?

Prof. Oak: Actually… yes.

Gary: If I'm related to him I think I'll throw myself off a bridge.

Captain Ayden: I don't think I could… suddenly take on a son.

Misty: You're fighting over ownership of Ash now?

Koga: I did want a son to take the gym… but if my daughter can run it… well, I don't need a son.

Giovanni: I only want him if he's willing to run Team Rocket for me in the future. Somehow I doubt he'll want to do that.

Mateo: I have the glass business and my sister… but if he's an expert with glass…

Mrs Ketchum: So none of you want him?

Prof. Oak, Flint, Captain Ayden, Koga, Giovanni and Mateo: No!

Mrs Ketchum: Brock, you look after him. You've been more like a father to him than any of these.