In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):

"I own nothing, I make nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"

A/N: I have most of the story planned out at this point, and just need time to write. Of course at the same time, I am trying to work on the Unmentionables, as well as fend off some cracky bunnies. Plus those wonderful folks over at CaerAzkaban, 3 or 4 Part Harmony, and See'lvor's yahoo groups keep writing such great stuff.

As for this story, there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel.

And it's not the Knight Bus!

So the stage is pretty well set, and the action should make up for the first chapter or so. I do have one request, if you don't like it, msg me, or leave feedback. I tend to be subtle with stuff, and have plots within plots going in my stories. If you just read the first chapter, you probably won't like most of my stuff. Well at least the longer stories take a while to set up.

Thanks for reading!!

Apologies to Bill Cosby...

Ch 3

Harry stood in front of the two doors, trying to decide which fate to pick. He looked back and forth for a few minutes, face palmed, and looked up into the sky.

"Really Fate? This is the best you can do for me? You've used me like a dirty sock on a pimply faced teen aged boy's nightstand for my whole life, and your idea of making things right by me is some twisted rip off of a game show? And instead of the obligatory hot models to show me my options, I get

Sirius? Thanks. Really. Appreciate it. Why not give me another prophecy to deal with while you're at it. I mean, Merlin forbid I just get to enjoy the rest of my life and get a hummer now and then.

Noooooooo! Let's make Harry Potter the bottom for a bunch of gold digging, troglodyte whores, take everything that is important to him, and isolate him from his best friend. Hey, while you're at it, why not make me have to work five jobs to keep the whores in KY and batteries! Oops! too late!" ranted Harry.

DING! "Harry." came a soft, sensual voice.

"First, you let the wizard version of Evil Ken kill my parents, then I get Albus "I've-got-so-many-titles-that-I-know-better-than-everyone-else" Dumbledore involved in my life, who dumps me on those damn refugees' from the zoo's doorstep. Leaving me on the first of November at 2 AM, with a wet nappy in chilly weather? Not like I've had the opportunity to use it, but I nearly got frostbite down there! Then I get to spend the next ten years of my life as a..." raved Harry.

DING! "HARRY." came a slightly louder, but still sensual voice.

"...bloody house elf, didn't even know my own name, never had a birthday, beaten, abused, and living in a cupboard. Then I finally get a ray of hope in my life, find out I'm a wizard and that my parents weren't useless drun..."

DING! "HARRY!!" came an annoyed, but still sensual voice.

"...ks, I get to go to Hogwarts, spend the next seven years trying to deal with a moron who is jealous of everything I own, a sexy bookworm who puts me in the "friends zone" before I even realize I love her, and nearly getting killed, or having someone I know, love, or am otherwise close to die for the next seven years. While I am trying to dodge death, I also have to keep from getting entrapped by crazy stalker fangirls! I go through hell, die, suck it up and come back and kill the dark lord fulfilling the stupid prophecy, and then less than thirty minutes later, I become the craziest stalker fangirl and her batch of bitches schmuck! Why me? I've been the good little boy...Well... at least most of the time I have been and..."

KRAKA-BOOM! "HARRISON JAMES POTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" came a put-the-fear-of-god, and lead-in-your-pencil voice.

"....mum?!?!?!..." whispered Harry, slowly turning around.

"Not exactly." snickered a calmer Fate.

Harry slowly unpuckered, untensed, and opened his eyes. In front of him stood a scantily clad, amazon of a woman. She was perfection in motion as she walked forward, and placed a finger under Harry's chin, closing it with an audible click.

SNAP SNAP "Eyes up Harry! Look, I admit, I've dealt you a shitty hand, but I had plans for you that would have made up for it once you beat Voldemort, but...well I have to keep my eyes on a lot of things, and...I sort of got distracted for a minute there...and I let those little bitches get their hooks into you. So since it's sort of my fault, I figured I should make amends. Strictly off the record and all, wouldn't want this in my performance review or anything..." muttered Fate.

"Right, so why should I believe you? You haven't exactly treated me all that well so far!" exploded Harry.

"Look, I solemnly swear to tell you the truth from here on out, OK Harry? I am trying here!" huffed a frustrated Fate.

"Wait, so I was supposed to be happy, but you got distracted?? You're Fate! How the hell does that happen? Were you saving an alternate time line or something? Preventing a cataclysmic meteor impact? Some super virus? What happened?" asked a wide eyed Harry. He felt somewhat better knowing his suffering had some sort of benefit to the universe at least. He was so busy pondering what could have been so important that he would be subjected to the hell he had been in that he almost missed the next words that came out of Fate's mouth.

"." said Fate under her breath as she shyly looked away, while rubbing the back of her head with one hand, desperately hoping Harry would miss her words.

"You had to stop the English from burning? Was it like some sort of out of control Fiend Fyre or attack from outer space?" questioned Harry.

"gotstuckinthetoaster" said Fate, looking like she wanted to be anywhere but here.

"How the Hell did England get stuck in a toaster? Wait a second. Did you just tell me that I am stuck with the Whoring Harpies because you weren't paying attention to your job, and were fishing a bloody English Muffin out of a toaster!!! What the hell? OK, that's it. I'm done. No more talking with you, who's your super? I want to talk to someone with their shit together. I refuse to let you destroy or defecate on any more of my life. Hop to it!" yelled Harry, crossing his arms over his chest with a frown worthy of Snape.

"It was my last muffin, and the stores were all closed, and I was sooooo hungry! C'mon I'll make it up to you, don't report me! They'll have me back working as a janitor in the Evolution department. What will it take? I'll be a good girl, we'll get you a better harem and let you get revenge, and.." pleaded Fate, desperate not to end up demoted again. It had taken her eons to work her way back up the ladder after that whole episode with the dinosaurs and turning the A/C down too low.

"Blow me!" said Harry.

"Fine!! Hold on a sec and I'll fish it out" sighed Fate as she dropped to her knees in front of Harry, and started undoing his pants.

Harry was frozen for a second, well, she was smoking hot, and had a fabulous rack, but...

"NO EFFING WAY!" screamed Harry, shoving Fate's hand out of his pants, and scrambling backwards away from the kneeling Fate. "Knowing my history with you, you'd sneeze and bite it off or something..."

"Oi! I'll have you know I don't offer that to just anyone! And I'll have you know I am not a biter, and have never had a complaint before!" shouted Fate, still on her knees, as she crossed her arms and glared at Harry. "So get back over here and let me suck you off!"

"..." Harry's eyes were glazed over as he took in the shelf effect Fate's arms caused on her rack. He suddenly shook his head, trying to clear his mind and get his Occulemency barriers back in place. "Forget it, you might not be a biter, but I can only imagine what could go wrong. I poke you in the back of the throat with my todger, and you hiccup me into a girl, and I get sent back to be an Inferi Draco and Lucy's baby machine to destroy the world or something crazy." laughed Harry.

"WHAT! You little bastard! Ok, Fine. You don't want my help? I'll fix your ass!" growled a slightly disappointed Fate. With that she snapped her fingers, as the Hogwart's Express released a cloud of steam. As the steam cleared people began to fade in, and the noise levels rose, resembling the last scene Harry remembered from his pre death nightmare. Unfortunately, Harry was still ranting and a bit distracted.

"I mean, how much more can this crazy chick screw up my life? Turn me into the twin of some ponce fake "Boy-who-lived" and I have to spend my life bailing him out? Make me Snape's illegitimate bastard son from his affair with my mom? Have Sirius...and...Remus...be..." trailed off Harry. Noticing for the first time that Fate was gone, and that he was back in the "living world", he looked around frantically.

"Fate? You still here? Uh.." whispered Harry, afraid to draw attention to himself, and thinking a cupboard did not sound all that bad. Suddenly, Harry froze in terror, as he saw his shadow disappear as a localized solar eclipse occurred.

"HARRY! WE WANT TO GO SHOPPING WITH OUR MOTHERS-IN-LAW, SO YOU WILL BE CARRYING ALL OF OUR BAGS, AND THEN YOU NEED TO RUB ALL OF OUR FEET! HERE! DRINK YOUR PUMPKIN JUICE!!" screeched Ginny as she waddled up behind him.

"Fate? Fate!?!? FAAATE!?!??!!?" screamed Harry, shaking in fear.

DING! "Hmmmm? Something I can do for you Harry?" came the familiar sensuous voice of Fate.

"OK Fate, me and you right? Cause I knew all the time..." sighed Harry, as the bustling harridan and crowd faded back out.

A/N: Next Chapter- Smut Ho! And Harry finally gets put on his path and back into the world of the living. The pace should be much better, and hopefully more in everyone's taste. Still lots of twists and turns to come. I'll be honest, this started off as just a fun little Harem!Harry spoof, and it has definitely grown. If I can pull it off, I think I will shock and surprise you lot. :)