Author Note: This is what happens when I am extremely bored. I took the stupidest and most random idea for a fic I had, and wrote it. It was a pretty simple idea but I had so much fun with it that it ended up nearly 3,000 words long!

This is just a stupid, funny idea I had, and is in no way meant to be offensive to anyone. But these are the real lyrics to the song! That is, "If You Were Gay" from the musical "Avenue Q." Though I tried to be sort of original and changed the dialogue in the beginning of the song a little.

Meant to be "way back when" when we had Kratos, Yuan, Martel and Mithos traveling around together. It pained me (okay maybe I enjoyed it) to make fun of Kratos this way, but it was all worth it when it comes full circle and I get to make fun of someone else too. (insert evil smirk)

Disclaimer: I've never actually seen Avenue Q, but have heard the songs, and I've played ToS and loved it, but I don't own either of these franchises.

Now please read this random little bordom-born fic of mine, enjoy it, and review.

Kratos, If You're Gay, It's Okay

A Tales of Symphonia, Avenue Q Crossover (Even though I only put it in the ToS section)

Kratos Aurion sat on a log next to the campfire, staring into it darkly. This is how passed the time, see? He was also contemplating the point of having a campfire during the day. The sun was barely below the tree line. But Martel would be wanting to make dinner when she got back, and of course you needed a fire for that.

Martel and Mithos had gone out searching for food, while Yuan was out scouting another town up ahead, leaving Kratos to hold down the fort. Though he was not one to admit such things, he was bored stiff. So he stared into the fire, head resting on his laced fingers. At that particular moment, his stomach growled. He groaned at the feeling of it trying to eat itself for lack of food. It wasn't that Martel was a bad cook, but he hadn't eaten much earlier for lunch… or breakfast… for the last week.

You see, in the trip to the last town, in an attempt to restock their supplies, they had visited a little food shop, where Martel had found her newest obsession.

Kratos' eyes swiveled in their sockets until he could see the rather fat book leaning against a nearby stump. His eyes narrowed as he gave the book an early version of the famed "Aurion Death Glare."

The obnoxiously colorful cover read "Home-cooked Tomato Recipes" with the subtitle "just the way Grandma used to make them!" Following was a crude picture of the disgusting little fruit itself. Only this interpretation had arms and legs and appeared to be dancing, a wide toothy grin on it's "face."

Martel had also taken the liberty of buying a matching pink apron, which lay next to the accursed book.

Kratos was nearly sick just seeing the vulgar image of the fruit. If there was one thing that he hated it was tomatoes! But Kratos, being the stoic, stiff, silent type that he is, had never told anyone of this little quirk. And he was far too polite to call Martel out on the fact that he found her recent dishes uneatable. So here he was, staring at the daytime fire with a stomach full of nothing.

And as he sat there-- staring at the daytime fire with a stomach full of nothing-- a thought occurred to him. A very evil thought, and one he probably wouldn't have put into action had he not glanced over to the dancing tomato again. It was plotting to murder him. He could see it in those beady little black eyes of it's. So now he didn't feel quite so bad about what he was going to do.

Swiftly, he sprung up and seized the book. Along with that stupid pink apron. And what about that pot she used to brew the horrible tomato concoctions? His arms nearly overflowed as he turned around and started towards the fire. In retrospect, the pot probably wouldn't burn quite as well as fabric or paper but the more the merrier! Good riddance to them all!

Kratos was just about to toss all of these disgusting things into the fire when he heard the bushes rustle nearby. Startled, he tripped over a rock, that was apparently in front of him, and threw all the things he'd gathered up in the air.

He fell down, yes the Great Kratos Aurion fell down. But keep in mind this is perhaps 4,000 years before we knew him. The pot landed with a crash in front of him and the accursed cookbook landed sprawling open to his side. And somehow, though it seemed to defy all laws of physics, the apron unfolded in the air and drifted daintily down, and SOMEHOW managed to fall perfectly around Kratos' neck. But yet SOMEHOW none of these things landed in the fire. Kratos felt very idiotic, and silently cursed all gods, if there were any.

The rustling bush became louder, and if Kratos thought he felt idiotic before well…. Who do you suppose came striding through the bush? Yuan!

Both men froze and stared when the other came into their sight.

Kratos' face (though he'd loathe to admit it) was tomato red as Yuan found him in this rather embarrassing situation.

"Uh… hey Kratos. … What'cha doing there?" Yuan asked slowly, as he stooped down to his friend's level.

Kratos immediately bolted upright. "Nothing!"

Yuan did a horrible job suppressing his laughter seeing the normally scary swordsman at his full height with the pink, frilly apron draped over his neck.

Kratos was mortified. He torn the apron off a threw it to the other side of the camp. "Shut up, Yuan!" he growled.

After wiping a tear from his eye, Yuan quieted down. "So seriously," he said, coming further into the camp, "what were you actually doing with Martel's apron, pot and cookbook?"

"I was--" Kratos' mind was drawing a blank. He couldn't tell Yuan what he was really doing. Yuan was in love with Martel and would probably go all psycho over-protective boyfriend on him if he told him he was trying to burn her stuff.

"You better hurry up. My mind tends to wander." he said with a evil smirk.

Kratos glared at him. That was the last thing he wanted him to do. So he said the first thing that came to his mind. "I was reading!"

Yuan looked dubious. "…The cookbook?"

"Er-- yes." Kratos picked up the book and sat down again, pretended to read.

"Really." Yuan crouched down so he could see the title of the book. "You were really reading, Home-cooked Tomato Recipes, Just like Grandma used to Make them?"

Kratos' cheeks burned. "…Yes."

"Right…." He was using that sarcastic, condescending tone, and Kratos knew he was going to be made fun of and ridiculed quite a lot this afternoon.

Yuan came and sat down next to him. He seemed to be studying the trees overhead with great enthusiasm, but Kratos knew he was just trying to tick him off. And was succeeding. He had to stay there pretending to read this book of vulgar recipes.

"So hey, Kratos."

"Yes…?"

"You'll never guess what happened to me when I was crossing the village bridge this morning."

Oh no, here it comes. He didn't know quite what it was, but it would be unpleasant nonetheless.

"Do I want to…?"

Yuan went on without even paying attention to him. "So this guy was smiling at me and talking to me…"

"How very interesting..." Kratos droned.

"He was being real friendly and uh--" Yuan seemed genuinely embarrassed about this. "I think he was coming onto me. I think he might have though I was gay!"

Kratos' eyes stopped fake-skimming the page. He was quiet for a moment before clearing his throat. "Eh-- so, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?" He blinked. He'd meant to change the subject but why did he say that?

Yuan continued. "Hey, you don't have to get all defensive ab--"

"I'M NOT BEING DEFENSIVE!" Kratos shouted. The look on Yuan's face communicated that he'd actually startled him. Kratos cleared his throat again. "I mean. Why should I care about some… gay man you met today? Alright? I am trying to read!" He flipped the page.

Yuan pressed on. "Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Kratos. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about."

Kratos was feeling very uncomfortable right now. "Well, I do not want to talk about this Yuan, this conversation is over!" he said hastily.

"Yeah but Kra--"

"OVER!" he snapped. He scooted down and pretended to be captivated in the cookbook, in other words, pretended to ignore Yuan.

He could tell Yuan was smiling because of the familiar tone in his voice. "Well… okay, Kratos. But just so you know…"

And to his horror, his blue-haired friend seemed to break into song. Kratos watched agape as Yuan stood up and started belting out notes. And this is before he actually comprehended the words.

"If you were gay!" he sang. "That'd be okay!"

Kratos was frozen on the spot.

"I mean cause hey! I'd like you anyway!"

"Yuan, what are you--?!"

He completely ignored him. "Because you see, if it were meeeee! I would feel free to say, that I was gay," but he then added in a sing-songy voice "but-I'm-not-gay!"

Kratos' throat felt dry. He didn't often feel embarrassed but this…. "Yuan, please. I am trying to read!"

Yuan, almost too eagerly, sat down across from him, and Kratos thought that was the end of it. He was wrong.

Yuan kept staring at him, with the stupidest expression on his face. Kratos couldn't stand it. "What!"

He started to sing again. "If you were queer!"

"Ugh! Yuan!"

"I'd still be here!"

"Yuan! Shut u--"

"Year after year!"

"Yuan!"

"Because you're dear to me!"

Kratos slammed the book down, not even bothering to pretend anymore.

"And I know that you!"

There was a pause. Kratos quirked an eyebrow. "What?"

"Would accept me toooooo!"

"I would?!"

"If I told you today, 'Hey, guess what! I'm gay!' but-I'm-not-gay!"

Not being about to bear much more of this, Kratos collected the book, flipped to a random page, got up and walked away. Much to his displeasure, Yuan followed him.

"I'm happieeeeee, just being with yoooooou!"

"Tomato jam! Liver and Tomatoes!" Kratos recited, trying to drown out Yuan's singing.

"So what should it matter to me! What you do in bed with guys!"

Kratos dropped the book. He spun around. "Yuan that is disgusting!"

Yuan almost laughed at his reaction. "No it's not!" And he continued on! "If you were gaaaaay!"

"Argh!" Kratos covered his ears.

"I'd shout 'Hooraaaaay!"

"I am not listening!"

"And here I'd stay!"

Kratos resorted to the old trick. "LalalalaLA!"

"But I would get in your way!"

"E--excuse me?!"

"You can count on meeee! To always beeee!"

Kratos could take it anymore. He picked up the book and chucked it at him. Yuan just jumped aside and started, what Kratos feared, was the cancan.

"…Beside you EV-RY DAY! To tell you IT'S O-KAY, you were just BORN that way, and as they say, it's in you're DNA, YOU'RE GAAAAAAY!"

"I AM NOT GAY!" Kratos screamed.

"If you were gay!"

Kratos cried out in fury, reaching his maximum tolerance of annoyance. He launched himself at Yuan, bowling him over. After that he started punching the guy, but Yuan didn't really seem to care. In his rage, the redhead wasn't inflicting much damage anyway.

At that moment, the bushes nearby rustled again. They both froze. And into the camp came Martel and Mithos.

"Hello g-- Oh…" Martel started.

Mithos tilted his head to the side. "Kratos, why are you sitting on top of Yuan?"

Kratos, now realizing what it looked like, got as far away from Yuan as soon as possible. He jolted to the standing position, his face turning-- yes you guessed it-- tomato red.

Yuan just broke into hysterical laughs. He rolled over onto his stomach and struggled to push himself upright.

"This is not funny Yuan!" Kratos snarled.

Clutching his side, for it was staring to hurt, Yuan had enough breath to say between sniggering. "Oh you just wait Kratos! A long time from now, we'll look back at this and you'll be laughing too!"

Just then Martel's eyes widened and she zoomed across the camp. "Who threw my cookbook on the ground!?" she cried incredulously. Tenderly, she picked up the book as if it was a baby and cradled it. Mithos rushed over, eager to assist in any way he could.

"I'll help you cook dinner, sis," he chirped.

Kratos groaned.

Thousands of years later (and I mean that literally) after the Kharlan Tree died and Martel went bye-bye and Mithos took a few too many crazy pills and Cruxis was formed and blah, blah, blah, Mithos called his most trusted serva-- I mean! friends, to his throne room in Welgaia. The two, now-Cruxis-Angels, came as swiftly as possible.

They both emerged from the warp panel and before Kratos could utter the reverent, "You summoned us, Lord Mithos" and Yuan could utter the irreverent, "So what's up, shorty?" they were both struck dumb by what they saw.

Er…"Mithos" sat on his throne, with his legs crossed, his elbow on the arm rest and his head leaning against his fist. He had, well… his smile, on his face, and we all know the nightmares that can give you. "So, what do you think?" said the now-deeper-more-femmy sounding voice.

"Eh--excuse me?" Kratos asked.

"Why do you look so…?" Yuan raised his hand to point but Kratos quickly batted it back down.

"Oh, this is the new form I created as Leader of Cruxis," he reported proudly. "What do you think?"

"Er--"

"Um…"

This new form sported lustrous, long, perfectly combed, blond hair; a tight, white, V-necked one-sy, and his delicate, bright pink wings visible behind him. To top this all off, Mithos had arranged himself in possibly the most feminine posture possible.

Not that Mithos had ever been the manliest 4,000-year-old pre-teen ever but… yeah. I rest my case.

"Er--"

"Um…"

Mithos drummed his dainty fingers. "Well… Are you going to tell me or not?"

Suddenly Yuan got this strange expression on his face. Like a cross between discovering the meaning of life and figuring out how to completely destroy the world.

Kratos knew this look. This wasn't going to be good. "Yuan…?"

"Hey, Mitho--"

"Actually, it's Yggdrasill now."

"Oh, you changed you're name? Oh, okay." he cleared his throat and started again. "Hey, Yggdrasill."

"Yes, Lord Yuan?"

Yuan's smile widened, and he glanced briefly at Kratos. "You'll never guess what happened to me on the elevator this morning!"

Kratos' mouth dropped. "No. Yuan, NO!"

His blue-haired friend chuckled evilly to himself, seeming quite pleased.

Kratos tried to shut him up by putting his hand over his mouth. "You can't-- Agh!" Yuan's teeth were incredibly sharp. He staggered back, praying to all gods, if there were any, that he wouldn't contract rabies. "Yuan, if you start that again, I swear--!"

"No, actually I'm quite interested in what he has to say," the newly named Yggdrasill said. "Please continue Lord Yuan."

The blue-haired Seraph gave the red-headed one a "ha-ha!" look, to which he just responded with a full fledged Aurion Death Glare.

"Well! This guy was smiling at me and talking to me…"

Kratos shrunk to the back of the room and pretended he wasn't there. He definitely wasn't laughing.

Later, after leaving the throne room (not unscathed, Yggdrasill had found the song no more amusing than Kratos had) and after things had quieted down a little, Kratos took the time to ask Yuan the question that had been bugging him for nearly four millennia.

"Yuan, where in Origin's name did you learn that god awful song?!"

"Oh you liked that did'ja?" He smirked, brushing the carbon off his cape from where Yggdrasill had attempted to blast him.

Kratos scowled.

"Fine, don't be friendly." He rested his arms behind his head. "Ah, remember the town I was scouting out earlier that day, way back when?"

Kratos nodded. "Yes? You learned it there?"

"Well not exactly. I wandered down this little street the locals called 'Avenue Q'"

Kratos quirked an eyebrow. "Strange name."

Yuan nodded in agreement. "Yeah, and let me tell you that place is weird. But, I got a kick out of going."

"I would assume so."

"In any case, that place doesn't exist anymore, so the only thing left is me and my singing voice." He turned to Kratos with a devilish grin. "Would you like to hear an encore performance?"

All the lifeless being in Welgaia heard Kratos' answer. "NO!!!"

Yuan rolled his eyes. "Alright fine."

"Thank you."

The two Seraphim began walking down the nearly empty halls of Welgaia.

"… If you were gaaaaay!"

"YUAN!"