Disclaimer : I so wish this were mine. But sadly its not. Joss Whedon is the man!

Author's Note: Okay, so this is my first entry on this site. Actually, first fanfic ever, so I hope you guys like it. I just wrote it because I'm a dork who wanted to see more than what I got. Reviews are welcome. Don't worry about crushing my feelings. I tried to keep it in character as best I could, but we all make mistakes. By the way, I don't have a beta reader so the mistakes are 100% my fault. Tell me what you think!

Inara's reaction to the news was very different from Kaylee's.

"You ching-wah TSAO duh liou mahng!" She shouted at Mal as Simon gave his diagnosis. "Hwan dun! You'd better bet your sorry little pi gu you won't get away with this!"

"Well I think it's just shiny!" Kaylee said, awkwardly walking over to 'Nara's side in an extremely baggy pair of overalls. "I mean, now your little son can play with our little girl!"

"Jien tah-duh guay it'll be a boy!" She screamed, pointing at Mal, exasperated as she spotted him cowering in a corner.

Having just shoved an overflowing mouthful of purplish protein into his face, chunks of it rained onto his shirt as Jayne commented dumbly. "Wait. So now 'Nara's preggo too? Man," looking between the two expecting couples, he took another munch of the protein bar, which is mounted on a dagger. Pointedly glancing at Simon and Mal, "y'all just don't know how to keep it in your pouch d'ye?" He puffed up his chest. "Now, take me f'r example, I always use-um-protection when I'm—"

"JAYNE!" They all screamed at the same time.

"I can't deal with this right now. If some of you gorram people don't get out of here soon, I will personally push this baby out, RIGHT NOW!" Inara shrieked, watching Mal dash out of the infirmary mumbling some excuse about checking on River, who was piloting. Jayne followed quickly after, not bothering to make an excuse as he covered his head and ran like Reavers were after him to his bunk. Locking the door, he studied its seams, as if the unborn baby might come tearing through the metal any second.

"Won't come for another 8 months, 14 days, 21 hours and 42 minutes. Technically improbable for you to be worrying about it now." The quiet, soprano voice echoed through his tiny room from behind him, and his head whipped around, relieved to see it was only his girl perched there. "Kaylee and da ge's child won't come for another 6 months, 29 days, 4 hours and 8 minutes."

Leaning against the wall, he ignored the "you're such a boob" look that River was giving him as she sat gracefully on his new, larger bed. (That had been hard to get without explaining his reasons to Mal.)

"Well, look who it is. The shiong-tsan sha-sho. You shoulda known better'n to sneak up on a trained merc like that, little Crazy. You might get yourself hurt." He threatened grinning lecherously at her, thinking of all the things he'd like to do to her.

"Bad boy. Thoughts so loud. Pushing pictures into my head…" She paused getting a dazed look in her wide eyes as he continued to daydream, purposefully throwing a few silent suggestions at her. "That. I want to try that."

"That's the one I'm leanin' towards, too." He pulled off his shirt and moved in her direction before hesitating. "Ain't nobody gonna be interruptin' us, now is there, girl?"

"Zoe asleep in her bunk, dreaming of Wash. Inara planning for her child with Kaylee. Simon is restocking medical supplies from last shipment. Mal is avoiding his pregnant girlfriend and piloting Serenity. No one will look for River for 4 hours, 25 minutes."

"Only 4 hours?" Jayne whined before pulling her tiny body into his arms and smiling lustily at her. "We'll have to work quickly, Crazy."

"Time's up." River whispered in Jayne's ear as he rested on the bed next to her.

"D'ye really havta leave? I gotta few more ideas in mind, iffin ya stay." Jayne drowsily offered, cradling her in bed against his chest.

"Mal has just recruited Simon to look for her. Will knock on your bunk door in 5 minutes, 32 seconds. The girl must be gone by then." She said nonchalantly. Reluctantly climbing out of the bed, River put on her boots and began to look for her skirt, which she located hanging from a hook on the bunk wall. Picking up his boxers, she tossed them to Jayne where he lay naked on the bed. "Answer the door in those. Brother will be appropriately disgusted." She giggled like a little girl, despite her twenty years of age.

In the three years since Miranda, a lot had changed, both on the ship and in River's mind. Jayne could still remember the beginning of their strange relationship.

"I just don't gorram get why I havta get pussied up and leave Vera at home. Any o' y'all ever hearda a shot gun weddin'?" Jayne complained for the millionth time.

"That's not what this is!" Simon defended. "Believe it or not, Kaylee and I genuinely want to marry each other. And I will not have guns at my wedding!"

"Gonna have to agree with Simon here, Jayne. Not lookin' for any trouble today. Kaylee'll have your pi gu if you start any." Mal interjected. "I've gotta go find 'Nara. She claims I ain't presentable!" He stormed out of the mess hall in his usual get-up, beat-up Browncoat and all. Before he reached the hallway he turned around, looking at his merc, "Besides, anything happens, Jayne, I've gotta plan."

"Oh, God, we're all going to die!" Simon prophecized apocalyptically. "I'm going to go find Kaylee. She's running around like crazy and the wedding's only in two hours."

No longer delaying the inevitable, Jayne climbed the ladder into his bunk, stripped, and began putting on the complex death trap that was a tuxedo. Leave it to that hun dan core bred pussy to insist on a formal wedding like the ones from Earth-that-was. "Thirty years of tying ties and I still can't gorram get it right!" He shouted, struggling with the slim black cloth.

"The girl can provide assistance. Her father and brother often required similar aid." River, barefooted and clothed in a dress that looked like one of Inara's more modest ensembles, descended the ladder as she spoke her piece.

"Don't need your help, Crazy. Your moonbrain'll probably just tie it as a noose around my neck." He rejected, though didn't struggle as she grabbed both of the ends. Working swiftly and close to his neck, he once again was struck by how fine of a young woman she'd turned into.

"Your heart rate is elevated as the girl moves closer, and your thoughts are on the pleasures of her body." Nonchalantly as she said this, Jayne desperately hoped that no one was listening outside, or he would find himself having a date with the airlock much sooner than he'd like. "She has similar feelings. Will require courtship before copulating, however."

"C-cop-u-ula—what?" Jayne stuttered, bewildered. "Gorram it, girl! Stop reading my mind, its creepifying'!"

"Copulating, sexing, to engage in intercourse. And I am not reading your mind, fong luh, your thoughts are projecting themselves into my mind." Finishing the tie, she pulled it tight, even though he immediately loosened it. Exiting his bunk she added, in an almost perfect imitation of his voice, "Stop thinking so gorram loud, crazy!"

The pounding on the bunk door was enough to wake the dead, which often was needed, as Jayne had proved long ago that he could sleep through an Alliance attack. "Gorram it! Whatsa guy gotta do to get some sleep 'round here!" Jayne bellowed, climbing the same ladder that River had scampered up a few minutes before. Pulling himself into the hallway, he caught the disgusted look on Simon's face that River had told him about as the doctor surveyed the merc's revealing clothes. Grinning dirtily, Jayne turned to Mal. "Somethin' the matter?"

"The good, ole doctor here is a mite worried about our Lil Albatross. Seems she's not where she's s'posed to be. You don't happen to have a hankerin' of where she might be, now do ya?" Mal questioned in his usual I-am-the-captain-hear-me-roar voice.

"How would I gorram know where she is?" Jayne cried, in his best attempt at sounding exasperated. "Give the gorram crazy girl full run of the ship'n expect me ta keep an eye on-!"

"Simon! I found 'er!" Kaylee's chipper voice echoed down the hallway as she inelegantly walked up to her husband and the others, followed by a dancing River who, Jayne noticed, had had the sense to change into a new set of clothes.

"Mei mei!" Simon said, relieved. "Where were you?" River, playing the picture perfect crazy girl, continued dancing to the bridge, probably to go take over the piloting.

Kaylee, seeing the look of confusion on her beloved's face, answered sweetly. "She was just in her bunk. Didn't someone think to look there? I tell you Simon, for such a shwee title as you got, you sure can be dumb sometimes." Smiling her usual Kaylee smile, the pregnant woman, starting to feel the weight of the baby, slightly waddled away, probably to the mess.

At that moment, Zoe, in her soldier-like grace, emerged from the bridge and called out to Mal. "Gotta wave sir. It's from Badger. Says he's got a job for us."

"God, I hate that hwan dan. Let me talk to him. How far are we from Persephone?"

"Only about four hours sir, we were passing by when they waved us." Zoe replied.

Sighing, Mal headed to the bridge, and, without turning around, ordered. "Jayne, for god's sakes put some clothes on. It's time for work."

Chinese Translations:

ching-wah TSAO duh liou mahng – frog humping son of a bitch

Jien tah-duh guay – like hell

da ge – big brother

shiong-tsan sha-sho – ass kicking killer

pi gu – ass or butt

fong luh – loopy in the head

Mei mei – little sister, little one

Shwee – fancy or handsome

hwan dan – bastard

Chapter 1: Diagnosis