Author's note: finally able to post up DTSGuru's birthday fic to this site. Originally posted in two parts on my LJ (because it was too long) it is lovely to have it in full here. Happy reading peeps.

Jayne Cobb and the firefly crew do not belong to me. (bum.)

Beta'd by awesomness Ultra and BigBadJayne. Dudes you rock...but mistakes here are mine.

Dastardly Crime

"We are doing dastardly crime?"

He nodded. His patience was wearing thin as she still insisted on talking, when he had specifically told her to keep quiet. Didn't the li'l Reaver killer know how important it was to focus and keep rutting silent? He didn't know why she had come along with him in the first place; it wasn't as if he couldn't do this job on his own.

"You realise that you are going about this all wrong." River whispered by Jayne's ear. She jerked her head back when she nearly got swatted in the face by an irritated gloved hand. "It is taking too long and your method is flawed. A single well aimed gunshot can take out a target."

Jayne shook his head. The girl thought she knew everything there was about these kinds of things, but she was wrong.

"Afraid of turmoil and chaos." River shook her head. "Irrelevant. Inconsequential. You can get past the security."

"Security? What gorram security is there, Crazy?" Jayne hissed at her, but River smiled proudly, pleased that she had finally gotten him to respond after all this time. "Look at this dump! There ain't any sensors, feds, any alarms or cameras! No one is gonna be guardin' this lot!"

Knuckles rapt hard on Jayne's head and he tried to shove the twenty one year old away.

"Security is in place! There always is and it's vicious and dangerous."

"I know what I'm doin' woman! Now back off and shut the hell up!"

"You're so mean." River sighed adoringly, sat down on the ground and leaned against the wall. She then focused on her bare feet, wiggling her toes as her fingers twirled at her hair. "Go ahead. I will stay here and protect you when it goes wrong, as I always do."

"Three times, darlin'…three times. Don't count as always."

"If you say so."

"I do! Now—wist—and stay outta sight!"

River sighed again and nodded, this time turning to smile at Jayne. He was not in the mood for pleasantries so she did as he wished and said nothing more.

She felt his stress level finally wind down, his breathing slowed and he became still. He was centred and focused on the mission at hand so a beautiful peace ebbed from his mind—just like it did when he cleaned his guns—and it lulled River into a similar state. It was bliss and she nearly forgot where they actually were.

The sun was warm, it radiated pleasantly on her skin, so much so that it was making her even drowsier. It was only when she turned her head to look at Jayne that she noticed he hadn't made a move. Normally River could keep the track of time very accurately, without the means of time devices, but she had to guess this time and it had felt like a good fifteen minutes had passed. Mal would be wondering where they were.

River turned round and got to her knees so she could peer over the wall. There were so many and if Jayne had been anyone else, she would have insisted they brought a gun. Even with her partner's skills, she thought not having a gun was still a little risky.

Jayne hardly went anywhere without a gun…but he never went unarmed, if he could help it. Neither did River. She took the blade from inside her boot and scooted closer to Jayne.

"You haven't picked a target yet…have you bao bei?" she teased, stroking her fingers through the curls on his head as he stared over the old crumbling bricks of the wall.

"I have too picked a target!" Jayne grunted back. His gruff, snarky attitude quickly soothed when River continued to stroke at his head.

"Which one?" River turned her head this way and that, with large excited eyes and a beaming smile.

Jayne pointed reluctantly at his target. "The fat one."

River sighed, sighed in a way that didn't make Jayne feel any better, for it felt as if she was disappointed in him.

"You gotta problem with my choice?"

A finger poked at his cheek a couple of times and then pushed his head towards the right, where she pointed with another finger.

"There. He oversees all. Take him out."

"I take him out and the rest of them will go nuts! You know nothing about this, do ya?"

Jayne turned to River and stared into her eyes. She had no idea, really no idea. All her smarts, Reading abilities or Academy conditioning meant squat right now. Suddenly there was something niggling at the back of his mind, a warm tingle of her going into his head.

"Ya doin' it again… aintcha?" he said, grabbing the back of her neck and pressing their foreheads together. She didn't need to say anything, Jayne knew that she wouldn't stop pestering him. He lightly kissed her on the nose and eventually let go once the niggling tingle stopped. "Fine. I'll do it your way, but yer wrong. If somethin' bad happens…"

River giggled.

"I will be ready..." She held up her hand and placed the other on her chest. "I promise."

"Really?" Jayne's voice nearly squeaked. "I mean… y'will, really?"

She pressed a single finger to his mouth and then kissed him lightly on the lips. Jayne nearly pulled her back in for a much longer more passionate kiss, but she broke free from him and held her knife out towards him. He shook his head and pulled out Boo, grinning adoringly at the long silver blade before edging round the wall. River sank back down onto her bottom and began to count down on her fingers as he approached his target.

"Five…four…three…two…one."

The screams were so funny.

No one knew exactly what happened to the pair while they were finishing off a deal. All the crew did know was that Jayne had a score to settle. They didn't question why or how he was covered in scratch marks and his clothes were all torn, but his bad temper and River's amused smirk hinted at an interesting and hilarious reason, a reason that was bound to be revealed.

It had something to do with the very large and heavy sack Jayne was holding in one hand.

"You were laughin' at me!" Jayne growled into River's face. "You screwed up my op and then laughed at me!"

"Should have brought a gun! I told you! Your plan was all wrong!"

"No, it weren't! If I had taken out the fat one first, they wouldn't have noticed! Instead ya tell me to take out the Leader and make them lose their gorram ruttin' minds! I could'a been killed!"

"Your death was very unlikely! I surmised that the leader was the most dangerous! His extermination would have lessened the risk of my Jayne-man being hurt! It was a logical course of action, but I was wrong. They did not behave logically." She shrugged her shoulders. It infuriated Jayne even more.

"They ain't 'kin logical! They don't think logic! They near as dammit took ruttin' chunks outta me! Came at me from all angles! Take that gorram smirk off ya face! It ain't funny!"

"I helped you, did I not?" She cooed.

"Yeah, only after laughing at me!"

"But don't worry now, bao bei." River cuddled up to him and pretended to take several bites out of his side. "They were dealt with and we came away with a plentiful prize! I shall now keep my promise, to make up for your suffering."

The anger vanished and a crafty, dirty look, complete with smirk came over Jayne's face. Such an expression did not make Mal or Simon feel good at all. They went to protest, but Inara held out her hands in front of them to keep them back.

"Ya... y'will?" He dropped the bag he had been carrying and gathered River up into his arms, dragging her legs round his waist. Their foreheads pressed together and she nuzzled at his neck, making the merc purr with delight. His anger at River appeared to be forgotten.

"I promised. With the boots as well!"

"Hell yeah, girl!" Jayne let loose an excited chuckle and began to hurry over to the stairs. River laughed as well and clung tightly to him, as his hands wandered low and up beneath her dress. "We'll be in my bunk!"

"No! " Simon cried out desperately as the merc carried his sister up the stairs. "River! Captain…stop them please!"

"I-!" Mal was speechless. He shook his head. This had been a long time coming, though the Captain was impressed that it had taken Jayne this long before acting.

"What about this?" asked Kaylee picking up the bag Jayne had dropped.

The couple had reached the doorway. Jayne was staggering a little and pushed River up against the frame, his hands clearly gripping at her bottom beneath the red fluttering material of her dress. He looked down at the bag and then gazed at the scratches and marks all over his arms and at his torn t-shirt.

His eyes darkened and for a brief moment he looked almost ashamed.

"Foe was defeated!" gasped River, patting Jayne proudly on his head. "Enemy vanquished and the rewards are plentiful! The brave thief is going to be treated well!"

"Too ruttin' right I am!"

There was a whimper from Simon's direction.

"Don't worry." Kaylee chirped, waving him away. "I'll deal with it. You two go and have good sex!"

"Kaylee!" Simon gasped.

"What? Nothin' in the 'verse is gonna stop them now! Let them, its 'bout time an' all!"

"That's my—!" There were crashes, bangs, and booms and shrieks of laughter and Simon slapped his hand over his eyes and shook his head. "That's my sister."

Jayne collapsed to the floor, panting and gasping for breath. He rolled onto his back and looked up at the rutted silly expression on River's face as she peered over the edge of his bed. She could barely move, or keep her eyes open, but that satisfied and pleasured goofy grin on her face made Jayne do his own.

"That…" Jayne could hardly speak, he was so tired. His sweat drenched body was still shaking, jerking for more of her, "was…so…worth…the…"

"Worth the wait." Her weakened voice replied. "A long time coming."

"Yeah, we did."

River's giggle even sounded tired. Her arm rose a little bit and with little strength she had, she tried to slap him, but only succeeded in swiping the air.

"Silly! Not what I meant!"

"I know whatcha meant." Jayne wiped the sweat from his face and grinned. "So glad you kept them boots on though."

"Great Gallus gallus domesticus killer deserved it."

Jayne growled and forced himself to sit up. He swayed a little and then rested his arms on the side of his bed, so he was face to face with River.

"I was gettin' that wang ba dan wot owned 'em, back for calling my girl a crazed loon!"

"You call me a crazed loon." River snuggled up to him and rested her face in the crook of his arm. "You call me lots of names."

"I'm allowed ta. Your mine."

River hummed an agreeing note.

"And the chicken killer is mine."

"Would've preferred to have smashed his face in."

"I know you would have."

"But you…"

"I apologise for being wrong and for laughing at my chicken killer. It was funny to see big muscled man screaming like a girl as they flocked around him. You should have brought a gun."

"All right already! Just don't be tellin' the others what really happened. Dong ma?"

"Shi. I will tell a story befitting for a brave and daring mercenary around the dinner table when we eat your kill!"

"Good. Now move over…I'm wanna sleep in my bed not on the gorram floor."

Jayne hauled himself up and after three attempts managed to slump his body down onto the bed. River had to move and was nearly squashed up against the wall, but she slipped on to him—and nearly off him and onto the floor—and lightly patted his face. His eyes were drooping.

"I do not want to sleep now. We must continue."

"Again?" One eye opened and glared back at her. River nodded. "Well, I am still pissed off atcha."

"As you should be."

Jayne grinned and placed his hands on her hips. That grin faded at hearing the one sound from River he never wanted to hear, especially in this situation.

Her chicken impression wasn't funny.

"Oh… now you're gonna pay."