I moved this to it's own Fanfiction because I decided to keep it going.was once part of "My collection of Oneshots" I'll be updating after each new episode pretty much because I am hoping they'll put a therapy session in there every episode. Or at least a few more times. Anyway. here it is!

The head and the Heart

"I lied. Before."

"What do you remember?"

"I remember Everything."

Kate curls even more into herself, a move contradicting her willingness to be open with this psychiatrist. She never thought she'd be one of those people. But she's just been so emotional and lost, she doesn't know what else to do. Her body is surprisingly still, eyes wide and moist. She still looks thin in her face, almost hollow. Although there is so much on her mind, the only thing she can't help focusing more on is Castle. She's never been so consumed by anyone before, Other than her mothers case. She is painfully aware of her feelings as of late -And it scares her. It scares her because she is very conscious of how much she wants to be with him. But she keeps making excuses for herself.

"And what happened?" The psychiatrist asks. Kate, who's been blank and clutching at both her legs, lifts her head from resting on her kneecaps and looks off past him. She plays with the fabric of her pant leg absently.

A far away look comes across her features. As if remembering every single detail all at once like a movie montage. "I remember giving the eulogy..." She starts, voice low and raspy, but calm. "I looked over at Castle..." His name on her lips sends a pleasant shiver through her.

The psychiatrist notices, senses her brief hesitation and she tries to hide a sudden blush of her skin. "Go on." He encourages. His voice not conveying that he saw any such thing.

"And then I started to finish. Before I really knew what was happening, Castle is yelling my name and a pain enters my chest soon after. I hit the ground in a blur, Castle on top of me...and then..I couldn't focus on anything else but him because he said...he said he..." Kate trails off, the lump in her throat becoming unbearable. She covers her mouth with her hand and her face softens significantly from the stern look she had before.

"What did he say?"

A tear escapes her eye. Her hand comes down from her mouth and she looks the Psychiatrist in the eyes. "He said he loves me..." She looks up at the ceiling, as if trying to stop the rest of the tears that threaten. The office goes silent. A silence so thick she just wants to get up and leave. After another moment too long, The psychiatrist leans forward in his chair.

"And how do you feel, about him?" He asks not realizing that it's the most difficult question to ask, with the easiest answer.

Kate opens her mouth closing it and opening it again. She rests back against the chair with a long sigh. The psychiatrist mirrors her actions but with this knowing look on his face that annoys her. She rolls her eyes upward in that way of hers, blowing the air out of her cheeks that clearly suggests it's a stupid question. And yet, she can't bring herself to answer him. The answer came to her before he even finished asking his obvious question. And now she is shaking again because she's containing her feelings.

"Okay, Let me ask this then. " He starts, folding one leg over the other too comfortably. "This 'partnership', with Castle. Is it enough?" He asks.

she unconsciously shakes her head, and then bites her lip looking down. She's just realized she's been fiddling with her mothers ring. "I'd like to say it is."

"But it isn't, is it?" He asks, although it doesn't really sound like a question.

Again Kate bites down on her lip, almost too hard. "I'd like it to be." She finally responds. "But...I don't know how...I don't..I don't think can because I don't know who I am." A panic feeling enters her chest as such a confession. She told Castle this already, that she doesn't know who she is without her mothers case.

"Hmm." He says, bringing a hand up to his chin. Kate frowns. "That's understandable."

"What do you mean?" She asks irritated. This is the part where she's going to hear things she doesn't want to be told. Because she already knows.

"Lets see. You were 19 when your mother died."

"She was Murdered." Kate seethes at the casual way he starts to list her tragic life.

"Yes. And you dropped out of college to join the Academy?"

She nods.

"What were you going to school for?"

"A few things I guess. I mean... I was only 19, still trying to find myself you know." She pauses, pursing her lips. She blinks a few times and looks away from him.

"And now. You're one of the youngest women to ever make homicide detective with the NYPD, You help find closure and justice to victims and their families."

She nods her head, brow creased. "That's what I do." She states, not getting where he's going with this.

"No Detective Beckett, It's also who you are. Not many people have the drive and passion you have. That's who you are. A strong woman who knows what she wants and how to get it."

"But I don't know what I want!" She almost yells exasperated. Her voice echos about the large room. But she does. She doesn't only want justice for her mother, but for everyone else out there. And inadvertently that drive has made her passionate in everything she does.

"But you do. Your just fighting it. Your making it harder than it is."

"I'm not." She argues. She knows he's right, she just hates being told so.

He sighs, not in agitation, but in a calm way that tells her this session is over. He looks down at the file on the table between them. "Perfect place to end today. How about you think on that, and we'll schedule an appointment for next week."

Kate unwraps her arms from around her knees and gets up, her legs aching in protest from having been bent into her body for the last hour, and so tightly. She nods at him, biting down on her bottom lip and leaves his office. She wipes at her cheeks feeling the tears drying on her face and making her skin feel tight. She brings a hand through her hair and frowns in concentration. She finds herself outside not a few minutes later, and blindly heading home without much thought.

Already her mind is reeling. She does know what she wants...she wants to find her mothers killer...but she also wants a normal life and a normal relationship. Preferably one with Castle. But she's been so comfortably miserable in the life she has been living since she joined the Academy...that she has no idea how to do that. She's convinced herself that she can't have that until her mother is brought to justice. She's the one and done type. And if she's going to try it with Castle, those walls she's built for so long need to come down.

But..There is that fear..The one that sets in after a particularly hard case. The one where she feels relieved she finally solved the murder for the family, but afraid she'll never solve her own. She died that day. Most of her was murdered along with her mother and she's still trying to revive herself. But what if she never catches the killer? What if she can't resurrect herself?

Does that mean she will never find true Happiness? It shouldn't. She should be able to be strong enough to find that happiness despite her lack of justice. People do it everyday. All those families she has helped. Even though they have lost someone close to them, they have or will move on. But She can't. Why. Why can't she let herself be happy – Why can't she let herself live?

Maybe she's not as strong as everyone thinks she is. Well...Everyone is wrong. She's lying to herself and she's lying to the very person she could truly be with in the most wonderful of ways. She's just scared. Because the life she's been leading is the only one she knows and she doesn't know how to be anyone else.

She's got this wall she's been forging for years that not even she knows how to tear it down. And until recently...She's come to realize that maybe even that wall is a lie...most of it anyway. Castle. He's done it. He has gotten through this far. And the question is. Why can't she let him in the rest of the way?

It's a battle between her head and her heart.

This was difficult. And I am still unsure...but. so very very hard to do. Beckett in my eyes just became more complicated. Because now, we know her emotions. She's just hit us with a new side of her we have never seen before. And although now that helps us write things she could say in an emotional situation. I feel like I still had to tread lightly to stay in character. I want to wait thus idea out and see more Kate In therapy before I write another chapter. I am very curious to see what else she confesses.

In the mean time, Please review!