Every question, every answer too

Every constant, ever changing you

It's all memory in the sun

Or it's all in the darkness

Where did it come from

And where does it go?

If it were right in front of me

Would I know?

Love, love, love

She runs. Through the streets of Brooklyn.

No end goal in sight. She doesn't know where she's going, she never really does.

She just needs to clear her head now.

The running is freeing, liberating in a way.

But it doesn't change the facts. It doesn't remove the image that is printed to her mind.

Nate has a new girlfriend.

It doesn't erase all the shit she's done over the years either. The things that made her a person she detests. A person that at this point actually don't have anyone.

Alone in the world.

She stops. Catches her breath at an unfamiliar street corner. Studies the people passing her. Sees their smiles and makes up stories about them in her head. How happy they are, how they have everything they want, need.

She realizes that if you really want something you can't just sit and wait for it to just fall into your lap. Like she has done so many times before. You have to fight, make an effort.

You have to really deserve it.

She reaches for her phone.

Dials his familiar number.

Feels her heart race in her chest, and her breath increasing.

"You've reached Nathanial Archibald..."

She takes a deep breath.

"Hey, it's me.I.." She pauses.

"I need to talk to you. I just... I really need to.." She can't find the words.

The words that will make a difference now.

"Please, give me a chance. Please, Natie..."

Saying his name like that comes natural all of a sudden. She hasn't said it in years.

She closes her eyes.

She closes her eyes and sees his face. His sixteen years old face.

"Stop it, Natie!" She squeals and giggles unstoppably. His arms around her waist tickling her while his head rests at her shoulder.

"You didn't say please!" He laughs.

She doesn't want to. She loves having him this close. To feel his skin against hers, his breath in her ear.

He stops either way and she snuggles up against him.

"Do you think things will stay like this forever? Us. Friends like this?"

He hugs her tightly and smiles.

"Of course" He says.

"Always."

He wanders around Manhattan in the summer heat.

Has to loosen up his tie because it feels like its strangling him.

The heat, the tie, his head.

His feelings.

Everything is strangling him.

He sighs as he tries to get a cab.

Then suddenly his phone starts ringing.

It's Serena.

He considers taking it, talking to her.

But soon he decides to let it just ring.

Because he just can't bear the thought of hearing her voice now.

It's too hard.

Just like everything else that has to do with her.

He wonders if Serena is a girl it's impossible to get over.

That he will live his life unsatisfied, unhappy.

He doesn't want that.

He just wants her.

But she doesn't want him.

He has to accept that.

For now he thinks it's best to just not see her.

So maybe, maybe he can one day be her friend again.

Because he needs her in his life. One way or another.

She paces around her hotel room.

The room that's been her home for the past year.

Home.

The word tastes so bad in her mouth.

This isn't what a home should be like, feel like.

She realizes that this isn't what life should feel like either.

She is just existing, just breathing.

Serena knows that she is not alive, not even close.

People can go a lifetime without really living; now she is one of those people.

She didn't use to be. Once she knew what feeling alive felt like. She knew love and friendship, gratitude and humbleness.

But it's a long time ago,

She just recently discovered that part of herself again. The part that not only is self centered and biased. The part that not only can love other people, but also herself.

And that's the part that wants to really live again.

It's about time now, after everything.

When Nate kissed her it felt like he breathed new life in her. When he touched her and were close to her again, it felt like being free and alive.

It just made sense.

She reaches for her phone again.

No missed calls and no new messages.

She isn't surprised, isn't disappointed in him, isn't angry or sad.

She just feels nothing.

The numbness inside is back.

And now she thinks only Nate can drive it completely away.

On the drive home, his phone is burning in his pocket.

He really wants to know if she left him a message.

He suddenly craves to hear her voice.

To feel some sort of closeness with her.

He reaches for it and just stares at it for a minute.

You have one new message.

His hand is shaking, his palm sweaty all of a sudden.

He feels his heart race faster only because she wants to talk to him.

Please, Natie.

He hasn't heard her call him that in ages.

It makes his heart ache.

It makes hope come back and excitement fill his mind.

He sighs.

It's probably nothing. She just wants to be friends and wants him to talk to her again.

Maybe she misses him.

He closes his eyes.

Pictures her. Her long legs and beautiful smile. Her bright blue eyes and the blonde locks.

He takes a deep breath.

Why can't he just forget her and move on?

Because he doesn't want to, he realizes.

He wants her in any way or form possible. Lover or friend, he needs her.

She completes him.

Serena falls asleep before three o'clock, after pacing around waiting for Nate to call her back.

He never did.

She dreams about him. About summer and sailing. About ice coffee and kisses that tastes champagne and strawberries. His sandy blonde hair that tickles her skin. The sand under her feet as they watch the sunset.

It's not actually dreams, more like memories.

Sacred moments she has forever stored.

It will be all she gets now.

Serena wakes up by the tears in her eyes.

She curls up in bed and sighs.

She feels pathetic, weak.

She closes her eyes again. All she wants is to go back. Back to summers full of laughter and love.

Full of them.

She's interrupted by a hard knocking on the door.

"I haven't ordered anything!" She yells and closes her eyes again.

"It's me, Serena."

She jumps off the bed and quickly fixes her hair in the mirror.

She feels like a teenager again when she slowly walks towards the door.

Her heart racing and her stomach filled with butterflies.

"Hey." She whispers when she sees him.

He doesn't say anything.

Just stares at her, mixed emotions in his eyes.

She looks down.

"You want to come in?" She asks.

He shakes his head; she tries to hide her disappointment.

He doesn't want to be in that room. Can't stop thinking about all the things that has happened there.

The good and the bad.

He isn't able to take two steps inside there.

"I thought we could take a walk in the park. Since you wanted to talk to me."

Serena slowly nods, understands that he wants to be on neutral ground. Wants to keep this platonic and casual. Out in public, where nothing can happen. He has a girlfriend now; she has to remind herself over and over.

She grabs a pair of sandals that goes with her dress and follows him to the elevator.

In there, she can't breathe.

They are standing close, but yet so far apart. He doesn't look at her and she feels tears forming in her eyes.

It feels like forever, the unbearable silence and the need to touch him.

She takes deep breaths as the elevator moves closer to freedom.

Free from them being all alone and him not speaking.

He sighs in relief as the door opens.

He pushed away the ache to feel her skin all the way down; he couldn't get a word out because it physically hurt just to look at her.

She is Serena, and this is summer.

Nate's greatest weaknesses.

"So…" She starts as they walk side by side for the first time in a very long time.

He looks at her, waits for her to continue.

"I am so sorry." She whispers.

"For everything." She adds and looks up at him.

He looks surprised.

She doesn't give him a chance to say anything.

"I am sorry for sleeping with you all those years ago, for leaving the day after. I am sorry for the way I acted when I came back and what I said to you." She takes a deep breath before continuing.

"I am sorry for kissing Dan when we were together and for stringing you two along and not choosing between you. And for sleeping with you and kicking you out the next day."

She feels her eyes get blank.

"And I'm sorry for generally being a bad, selfish person. And mostly for always taking you for granted. I promised you once that I wouldn't do that again…But I just keep…" She stops, tears streaming now.

She tries to wipe them all away, but fails.

Nate reaches out a hand as if he's about to touch her. But he changes his mind halfway through.

He doesn't know how to react.

But he hates to see her cry.

He really wants to hold her, comfort her. But is not sure that's what she wants in all of this.

He doesn't know how desperately she actually wants him to.

"I realize that the person I have been…" Her voice is nearly gone; she is too focused on just breathing properly. And the tears are still coming.

"I'm not a good person."

They aren't walking anymore; they're standing still on the middle of a lawn in the park. The sunlight is hitting Serena's face and the sight of her is still hurting Nate physically. He just wants to feel the warmth of her skin again. Can't believe the affect she actually has on him. It's worse than a drug, worse than an addiction. You can go to rehab for that stuff.

You can't ever quit Serena.

He can never quit her.

"Stop it." He whispers, moves a step closer to her.

"You are not a bad person, Serena." His eyes so honest, so pure in a way.

It makes her want to cry even more.

"Nate..." She whispers. Wants to tell him why she really wanted to talk to him. Tell him about her realization and that he is the one that has always been there for her.

Tell him that she does love him and that she does want to be him.

Something holds her back though and all she can do is whisper his name over and over as the tears comes in bigger waves..

Suddenly his hand is on her cheek, carefully wiping some of them away.

He finally feels a stray of hope again. The way she is looking at him right now is like no girl has looked at him before. It's not a look for people that are just friends.

She closes her eyes, leans into his touch.

Desperately wants to feel his lips on hers.

She opens her eyes, locks them with his. He is moving towards her now and then she realizes why she is holding back.

He has a girlfriend.

And she was done being this person. This person that only thinks about herself, what she wants.

She has to let him live his life. Let him have a real chance at happiness.

She can't ruin this for him. Not again.

So she pulls away from him a little, sees the disappointment in his eyes.

"I realized something when I read Dan's book."

The mention of his name makes Nate be the one to take two steps back.

It brings everything back. All the hurt and devastation.

All the insecurities.

Hearing her say his name makes his heart drop to his stomach.

"I get it..." He starts.

She looks up at him, starts shaking her head.

"No…" She says over and over.

"Not like that."

His eyes are at the ground.

"I realized that you are the one person that has always been there for me, never judged me. You are the one that has been able to drag me up from the gutter. The only one who's even bothered to try and help me…And I just…"

She is almost yelling now, it's so important for her that he understands.

That he knows just how much she appreciates it, how much he means to her.

"I just want to thank you for that."

He takes a step towards her again, his eyes blank.

"I would do it all again." His voice low.

She blinks at him.

"I would do everything one more time. The heartache and the hurt. All that bad stuff just to have the good too. You are worth it, we are worth it."

He is standing right in front of her now, can finally count the freckles on her nose.

"I can't…" She whispers as he leans in to kiss her.

She turns around, ready to walk away from him.

He grabs hold of her arm, makes her face him again.

"Why?" He asks desperately. Feels like she is playing with him now.

"I don't want to be that person anymore, I want to change. I can't be selfish."

His eyes looks at her filled with confusion.

"You have a girlfriend." She says and looks down.

He lets go of her.

"What are you talking about?"`

She is the one confused now.

"The girl you were with on Gossip girl…"

It's only a whisper.

"She was just a girl I had to bring at a charity event, it was nothing. I don't even remember her name to be honest."

Serena's eyes are wide as she feels like she can finally breathe again. The feeling in her stomach is slowly vanishing and she has to smile at him.

"I've missed that smile." He whispers.

She suddenly stops.

She has realized something else.

"We still can't be together." She whispers as she starts walking away again.

He walks after, anger starting to rise.

"Stop this!" He yells and grabs hold of her again. Both of his arms holding her tightly.

She is crying again.

"I realized that if we get together you lose everything. You lose your friends…"

"Stop..." He interrupts her.

"No more excuses, Serena."

She looks to the ground.

"I don't deserve this. You going back and forth. "

"I don't deserve this." He repeats.

And she knows he doesn't. And she wants to be with him.

She is just scared she will mess it up again.

"I won't let you walk away from me now."

He looks so determined, like this is smoethign he really means.

There is no getting away now.

"I love you." She suddenly blurts out.

He lets go of her, looks like he is going into a state of shock.

"I'm in love with you." She is smiling again now.

Cause saying it out loud wasn't scary at all. It was freeing.

It made her feel a sense of being complete.

Of being herself.

She loves him.

She has always loved him.

"Can you say that again?" He asks as he walks towards her.

She just jumps at him, kisses him fiercely.

He lifts her up, kisses her back with his hands securely on her hips. She tastes like chocolate.

She tastes like freedom.

He tastes like home.

"I love you." She whispers in his ear as he hugs her tightly.

She can't believe she hasn't done this before.

It feels so incredible right.

"I think maybe…" She starts and grabs a hold of his hands.

"Maybe you aren't just the love of my life. You are also my home."

He smiles widens and he kisses her again.

It's him and Serena.

It's sun and sweet kisses.

It's finally starting to feel like summer.

-fin