A/N: It was around 2 am when I got this idea, after all that is the time when the best ideas come out! I was going to stick with just one shots for a while but this will be a short story because, why not? A reminder, this is NOT a Kirk/OC story it is a misadventures of Captain Kirk story that simply has him getting married because of a mistake he made. It's not exactly a crack!fic, it's a humor fic that turns serious (dun dun dunnnnn!) when things get a little too…out of hand.

This is completely unbetaed so any and all mistakes are my own.

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek as much as I might wish that I did.

Apparently James T. Kirk was the only one on the entire Enterprise who didn't find this whole situation hilarious. Even his first officers, Mr. emotions-are-illogical-and-I-am-above-that, had cracked a smile. Meanwhile, Uhura was looking at Kirk like he had done something to deserve this, which he hadn't!

So maybe he had only read what he deemed the important parts of the report sent out about Heinleinian culture, but he had skimmed the rest of it and nothing along the lines of 'Be careful which cup you drink out of' had been mentioned!

God damnit! This isn't funny, I wasn't even flirting with her!

Sulu made a joke, one that Kirk probably wasn't supposed to hear, that this must be the Captain's worst nightmare and they had all ended up in it with him. It earns him a death glare that Kirk reserved for especially terrible occasions like this one and the helmsman dropped his gaze for the floor, trying to disguise a laugh as a cough.

"Mr. Chekov, turn the ship around. We're going back." Kirk grumbled, his tone of voice earning a couple poorly hidden smirks from various members of the bridge.

"Perhaps you should inform your wife of the destination change, Captain." Spock spoke up. Kirk would swear on his life that he heard amusement behind the somehow both calm and sassy retort from his first officer.

"Shut-up." Kirk didn't bother to make his reply seem even slightly professional.

The entire bridge crew dissolved into laughter.

Diplomatic meetings with ambassadors, out of everything that StarFleet had assigned for them to do throughout the first six months of their five year journey, were Kirk's least favorite thing. Normally they ended with someone on the crew getting badly hurt. Bones argued that he liked the missions the least out of everyone because 9 times out of 10 the person hurt on the missions was Kirk.

Regardless of his current track record, this diplomatic meeting had been a success and no one had been harmed during the negotiations, which was what Captain Kirk would call a roaring success.

Bones was still watching him like he was waiting for someone to jump out of the shadows and bash Kirk over the head with some blunt object. The paranoid looks didn't go unnoticed to Kirk and he made a show of flashing his CMO a grin while lifting the glass of…well he wasn't sure what it was, but Spock had confirmed it wasn't dangerous to humans and it tasted a whole hell of a lot like alcohol!

With a roll of his eyes and a completely fed up look that only his dear captain could pull out of him, Bones turned away from Kirk and gained a laugh from the tipsy younger man.

"Aw, come on Bones!" Kirk shouted after him, earning himself another nasty look that did nothing encourage him to laugh more.

Before Kirk could continue on his quest to make his CMO loosen up for the evening with a lecture about how Bones works too hard and how he needed to lighten up and enjoy the feast-because even Spock looked like he was having a good time talking a group of ambassadors, and Spock having more fun than Bones would be saying a lot-the Prime Minister intercepted him seemingly out of nowhere…or maybe that's because Kirk's senses had been a bit impaired, not that he would ever admit that.

Two translators flanked the Prime Minister as he threw a blue arm around Kirk's shoulder and dragged him in for a tight hug. Heinlein custom was based on showing a lot of trust and affection, which made the blue humanoids extremely susceptible to invasion, one of the reasons they had been more than willing to join the Federation when approached with the offer.

Right away he began talking to Kirk in a language the blonde man didn't understand, pausing and looking back at one of the translators, one that Kirk recognized as an ambassador he had talked to before, who started translating immediately "I hope the festivities are to your liking, Captain Kirk."

"Everything is perfect, Prime Minister." Despite the fact that he may or may not have had enough of the alcohol like substance to get himself buzzed, Kirk was very careful about what he said. Even in his current semi-impaired state of mind Kirk wasn't about to jeopardize all the work his crew had done.

Once again the Prime Minister spoke and the ambassador translated, however this time a small look of surprise crossed his face before the alien went on to translate what he had been told. Pushing his reaction behind a smiling face, the ambassador turned to Kirk once more.

"We would like to offer you a…" the translator paused, searching for the right English translation "token that will symbolize the union between the Federation and our planet."

Kirk didn't have a chance to reply before a Heinleinian woman stepped forward, offering him a small, intricately engraved, wooden bowl full of whatever liquid he had been drinking before. A quick glance around the area proved that no one from his crew was watching him with horror, true most of them weren't watching at all but someone would have noticed if he was about to do something wrong, right? The Captain's moment of hesitation made the Prime Minister frown, instantly worrying Kirk. If he didn't do this it could put their entire relationship with the Heinleinian society at risk.

Taking the bowl with the most charming smile he could muster, and James T. Kirk knew how to give a good smile, he brought it to his lips for a quick sip. Apparently that was enough because all the Heinlein's around him burst out into cheer. Right as he was about to ask what he had done the Heinlein woman took the bowl back from him, taking a long drink from it before passing it back to one of the ambassadors and linking her arm with Kirk, dragging him off to participate in an extremely complicated dance that made him feel like the one person in old Earth musicals that had no idea what was going on.

And then it was done, the woman disappeared into of happily crowd of happily cheering natives, leaving behind an extremely confused Kirk.

"Captain, I believe something you said has greatly pleased them." Spock appeared next to Kirk after everyone had vanished, a slightly puzzled look on his normally stoic face.

"What's the matter Spock? Underestimating your Captain's way with words?" With a happy laugh, Kirk gave his first officer a pat on the shoulder and started back towards the Enterprise.

The day had gone perfectly! Now all the remaining negotiations would be left to the higher ups and the Enterprise and her crew could resume their journey.

At least that's what Kirk thought until he stepped onto the bridge the next day to find an extremely confused crew and the same Heinleinian woman from the dance waiting for him with a bright smile on her face.

"Mr. Spock…what's going on?" Kirk turned to his first officer for an answer right away.

"According to Kiele, she is your wife."

A/N: And there it is! Chapter one! I should have chapter 2 up soon, I know exactly what I want to right but I'm getting my wisdom teeth out and that might hinder my writing slightly. Anyway, I hope this was actually worth reading and I thank everyone who took the time to read my fic whether you liked it or not!