A/N: Sorry it's been so long. I had these in my doc manager but they were there so long they got deleted. Ummm... This one follows the events of the Pilot. I think after this one, we'll take a leap into the future, after the one with the Prom Video? Sound good?

The One With the East German Laundry Detergent – 1x05

Starring:
Blaine Anderson as Chandler Bing
Hunter Clarington as Joey Tribbiani
Trent Nixon as Monica Geller
Jeff Sterling as Rachel Greene
Nick Duval as Ross Geller
Kurt Hummel as Phoebe Buffay
Sebastian Smythe as Janice

"Would you let it go? It's not that big a deal," Jeff said.

"It's amazing. How did you do that?" Hunter asked. "It's like watching a girl take off her bra through her sleeve." Jeff stared at Hunter.

"I just took off my button-up from underneath my sweatshirt," Jeff said. "Literally, it's not that complicated."

"Yeah, when you compare it to the fact that we can all pee standing up, it's not such a big deal," Nick said.

"We can? I'm trying that," Trent replied. Kurt finally sat down with his coffee and the other five stopped being so childish.

"So," Blaine said, trying to change the topic. "Saturday night. The big night. Date night. Saturday night. Sat-ur-day night."

"No plans, huh?" Hunter asked.

"Not a one," Blaine admitted.

"Not even, say, breaking up with Sebastian?" Nick suggested.

"Oh, right, right. Shut up," Blaine said.

"Aw, why?" Jeff asked.

"He's driving me crazy," Blaine said. "There's no way we can ever make this relationship work, if I ever ask him out again, shoot me."

"Will do," Kurt noted.

"Look, Blaine, no one likes breaking up with someone. You just gotta do it," Trent said.

"No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean, it's Sebastian. We've been doing this for six years now," Blaine said. "I'm out of ways to break up with him."

"Why do you have to break up with him? Be a man, just stop calling," Hunter said.

"And there's the reason Sebastian won't talk to Hunter anymore," Trent said sarcastically.

"You know, if you want, I'll do it with you," Kurt said.

"Thanks, but I'm pretty sure he'd feel like we're ganging up on him," Blaine said.

"No, I mean, you break up with Sebastian, and I'll break up with Elliott," Kurt said.

"Elliott?" Nick asked. Like who the fuck is that?

"You're breaking up with Elliott?" Trent asked, upset.

"Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I don't know if it's me, or what… I just don't know," Kurt said. In Jeff's pocket, his cell phone rang for the fourth time since they'd all convened at the coffee shop. He took it out, looked at it, flipped it open, and then slammed it shut again.

"And that's why I still use a flip phone," Jeff said dramatically, stuffing the offending item back into his sweatshirt pocket.

"Who was that?"

"My dad, he wants to give me a Mercedes," Jeff said, rolling his eyes.

"Wow, that guy… he burns me up," Nick said.

"A Mercedes if I go back home and make up with Eric," Jeff said. "Which is stupid for a hundred thousand different reasons."

"Did he give you the whole you're-not-up-for-this thing again?" Blaine asked.

"Yeah, yeah, I got the extended disco version with three choruses of you'll never make it on your own," Jeff said.

"Uh-huh, uh-huh," Trent added. He and Blaine started a beat to dance to, Nick and Hunter joined in, then Blaine started singing made up lyrics to the song, just like an old Warblers number. Kurt and Jeff stared at the four of them politely until they were finished.

"It's not funny," Jeff said. "My dad literally thinks there is no way I can do what you five are doing."

"You're doing it right now," Trent said. "You have a job. I never see you working, but I heard you had a job."

"I work at the gym down the street," Jeff said. The door to the coffee place dinged and in walked a really, really hot guy.

"Oh man," Hunter cringed. The man in question was Hunter's ex, Grant.

"Hi, Hunter," Grant said. Hunter involuntarily shuddered. Grant looked way hot today. His shirt fit just the correct way and his pants and asjdaksd.

"My God, Grant," Hunter groaned. Grant took a seat at the counter.

"Wow, being dumped by you obviously agrees with him," Trent said.

"Are you gonna go over there?" Blaine asked.

"No… yeah… no," Hunter said, undecided. "Okay, but not yet. I don't wanna seem too eager." The rest stared at him. "One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi… That seems pretty cool." He got up and walked over to the counter. Blaine and Trent exchanged looks. "Hey Grant."

"Hunter."

"You look good," Hunter said.

"That's because I'm wearing tight pants and you're pretty shallow," Grant said.

"You don't say," Hunter agreed. Blaine and Trent couldn't watch anymore, and turned their attention to Nick, who was probably about to make a big fool of himself. Nick and Jeff were standing in line to get more coffee.

"So, uh, Jeff, what are you doing tonight?" Nick asked.

"Oh, big glamor night, me and Trent at Laund-o-rama," Jeff sighed. "I don't have you to do my laundry anymore…so I actually have to learn how." Nick laughed nervously.

"You know, it's actually a freaky coincidence," Nick said, and Blaine hid his face in his hands. "Guess who's doing laundry there too?"

"Who?" Jeff asked.

"Me. Was that not clear?" Nick asked. "Why don't I just join you… both there?"

"Don't you have a laundry room in your building?" Jeff asked.

"Uh… yes, I do. Have a laundry room. In my building," Nick said. "But, uh, there's a rat problem. Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets. And they're going in fine but they're coming out all… all… all fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish?"

"Sure!" Jeff agreed.

"Forget it, Hunter, I'm with Brad now," Grant said.

"Brad? Who the hell is Brad?" Hunter asked.

"Brad is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but Brad–" Grant said.

"Come on, we were great together," Hunter interrupted. "And not just at the fun stuff, but, like, talking too."

"Yeah, well, sorry, Hunt. You said let's just be friends, so guess what?"

"What?"

"We're just friends," Grant said snidely.

"Fine, fine, so why don't the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight?" Hunter said. "You know, as friends?"

"What four of us?" Grant asked.

"You know, you and Brad, and me and my boyfriend… Trent!" Hunter said.

Grant agreed to the date, now Hunter just had to convince Trent, the plan being that they can pose as a couple and break up the other two.

"Trent, I'm telling you, this guy is perfect for you," Hunter said. They were in their apartment, later.

"Forget it," Trent said. "Not after the guy who could belch the alphabet."

"I've taken that into consideration," Hunter assured him. "This guy's great. His name's Brad. He's Grant's… roommate. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but Brad–"

"Hunter, come on," Trent whined.

"Look, I'm asking for a favor! If I find him a friend for his friend, maybe Grant will come back to me," Hunter said.

"What's the big deal? You go out with literally tons of people," Trent said. "Guys, girls, anything with a pulse, pulse sometimes optional."

"Rude," Hunter reproved. "But I made a huge mistake. I never should have broken up with him! Will you help me? Please?" Trent sighed.

Across town, Blaine was over at Nick's apartment.

"Well, Trent's not coming, it's just gonna be me and Jeff," Nick said.

"Right, because you've never hung out with Jeff before," Blaine said.

"No, not really," Nick said.

"You lived together for four years, and you're telling me you've never had a decent conversation with him?" Blaine asked.

"Welll… he was the popular one, and I was always super awkward and geeky…" Nick said. "And besides, now we're like… equals."

"Well, hold on, camper, are you sure you've thought this through?" Blaine asked.

"It's laundry, the thinking through is minimal," Nick said.

"It's just you and Jeff, just the two of you. This is a date. You're going on a date," Blaine said.

"Nuh-huh," Nick disagreed.

"Yeah-huh," Blaine said.

"Is it a date if he doesn't know it's a date?" Nick asked.

"Yes! Absolutely!" Blaine said. "It's Saturday night, all the rules apply."

"So what are you saying?" Nick asked. "I should shave again, pick up some wine, what?"

"Well, you may want to rethink the dirty underwear," Blaine said. "This is the first time he's seeing your underwear, do you want it to be dirty?"

"We lived together for four years, why do you think he never saw my underwear?" Nick asked.

"Did he?"

"No."

"Alright then," Blaine said. "And the fabric softener?"

"What about it? I always use this stuff. It's manly," Nick said. "Uberweiss! It's new, it's German, it's extra tough!" Blaine stared at Nick. "I don't know, it's manly."

"Nick."

"I'll pick up some Snuggle on the way there," Nick said, hanging his head.

Trent and Hunter were already at the restaurant, waiting for Grant and Brad. Hunter was continuing to convince Trent that Grant was bringing Brad as a date for Trent, which was certainly not the case.

"So, what does this Brad guy look like? Is he tall? Short?" Trent asked.

"Yep," Hunter said with a firm nod.

"Which?" Trent asked.

"Which what?" Hunter asked.

"You've never met Brad, have you?" Trent asked, suspicious.

"Welll… no. But–!" Hunter began.

"Oh, my God, Hunt!" Trent exclaimed. "For all we know this guy could be horribly–" Just then Grant and Brad walked in, and let's face it, Brad looked like a fucking model. "Horribly attractive, I'll be shutting up now."

Over at the coffee shop, Kurt and Blaine were waiting for Sebastian and Elliott to show up so they could break up with them.

"Where are they? Oh, hey, I have a question, where are they?" Blaine asked Kurt.

"You know, this is nice, we never do anything just the two of us," Kurt said.

"Oh, it's great," Blaine said. "Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies."

"Well excuse you," Kurt sassed. Sebastian walked into the shop closely followed by Elliott.

"Here we go," Blaine said with a deep breath.

"Have a good break-up," Kurt said in Blaine's ear as he got up.

"Hey, Sebastian," Blaine said, walking around the couch and sitting on it next to his boyfriend.

"Oh, my God, I am so glad you called me, killer," Sebastian said. "I have had the most supremely awful day."

"Oh, hey, that's not good," Blaine said. "Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please?"

"I just finished the settlement on the case when I get the call from Alicia's fucking lawyer, they're not settling, and I have to rewrite the entire fucking thing," Sebastian said. "So I blew off the rest of the day and went shopping." Sebastian beamed and started rummaging through his shopping bags. "I got you something. Hold on." Over Sebastian's shoulder, Blaine saw Kurt and Elliott talking. Kurt was saying something, then the pair hugged sadly. Then Elliott ordered a latte and sat down at the table with Kurt to politely watch Blaine and Sebastian. "Here they are!"

"Socks," Blaine said, looking back at Sebastian. "Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet."

"Well, I knew you had the Rockys, so I figured, you know, you can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky or you can mix and match. Moose and squirrel," Sebastian said, obviously proud of his creativity. "If you hate them I can take them back and get you something else. They had Batman boxers."

"No, Nick already has three different pairs, I'd just feel like I was copying," Blaine sighed, then remembered what he was doing there that night. A waitress brought over the espresso and latte. Sebastian took the latte with a smile, meanwhile Blaine drained his espresso in one gulp. "I'm gonna get another espresso. Can I get you another latte?"

"Still working on it, killer, are you okay?" Sebastian chuckled. Blaine ignored that and walked over to the counter, intent on talking to Kurt.

"That's it?" Blaine demanded of Kurt.

"We decided to keep being friends, at least for a few minutes, because this is going to be really funny to watch," Kurt sniggered.

Meanwhile, Jeff was at Laund-o-rama, waiting for Nick to show up. He'd texted, he'd be there any second. Jeff had found an empty washing machine and put his basket on top. A mean old lady came through and moved Jeff's basket before starting to throw her stuff inside.

"Oh, excuse me, sorry, I was kinda using that machine," Jeff told her.

"Yeah, well, now you're kinda not," the lady said.

"But I saved it. I put my basket on top," Jeff said, apparently very proud of himself.

"Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket?" the lady asked. Jeff nodded with a smile. "It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds."

"What?" Jeff asked, the smile slipping off his face as he got confused.

"No suds, no save, okay?" the lady told him.

"Oh…" Jeff said, taking his basket, dejected. Nick walked in just then to see the upset Jeff, and since this is Nick, the last thing he wants to see is an upset Jeff.

"What's going on?" Nick asked him.

"Hi. Oh, nothing, that horrible woman just took my machine," Jeff said.

"Was your basket on top?" Nick asked.

"Yeah, but there were no suds," Jeff shrugged.

"So?"

"Well, you know, no suds, no save…" Jeff said.

"No suds?" Nick said, bewildered. Then he turned to the lady, stopping her from putting her change in the machine. "Excuse me, hold on a second, that's my friend's machine."

"Hey, hey, hey, his stuff wasn't in it," the lady said.

"Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know it," Nick said. Nick and the lady had a staredown while everyone else stared at the scene they were making. Finally the lady decided to take her stuff out of the machine and go somewhere else. "Alright, show's over," Nick told the laundry patrons. "Nothing to see here." Then he saw Jeff's face, so proud and in awe. "What?"

"That was amazing. I can't even send back soup," Jeff said.

"Well, that's because you're such a sweet… gentle… um. Person. Let's, uh, let's do laundry, shall we?" Nick asked. Jeff opened his washer and started to dump his clothes into it. "Jeff, are you gonna separate those?"

"Oh, God. Am I being, like, a total laundry spaz? Am I supposed to use one machine for shirts and another machine for pants?" Jeff asked, completely serious.

"Uh, have you really never done this before?" Nick asked.

"Well, not myself, but I, uh, know other people that have…" Jeff said. Nick gave him a look. "Well, you were already doing your laundry anyway, what was I supposed to say? I'm a laundry virgin."

"Well, don't worry… I'll use the gentle cycle," Nick said. Jeff blushed. "Okay, um, basically, you want to use one machine for all your whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and then I usually get a third machine for socks, underwear, and towels."

"Okay…." Jeff said, starting to sort out his clothes. "Well, what about white underwear? Do they go with whites or underwear?"

"Um…" Nick said, brain short-circuiting for a second as he realized Jeff was holding a pair of underwear in his hands. "Usually underwear. But it's your call."

Back at the restaurant, Trent, Hunter, Brad, and Grant were sitting at a table. Trent couldn't get over how cute the guy 'for him' was, because Hunter had never been very good on the finding Trent dates front. Brad and Hunter went to the bar to get drinks.

"So, you and Grant, huh?" Hunter asked.

"Yep, pretty much," Brad said.

"You're a lucky man. You know what I miss the most about him? That cute nibbly noise when he eats," Hunter said. "Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel."

"Huh, I never really noticed," Brad said.

"Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it," Hunter said.

"Well, Trent. Trent is great," Brad said, trying to change the subject.

"Yeah, but it's not gonna last," Hunter said, thankfully remembering that Brad and Grant thought Hunter and Trent were seeing each other. "He's too much for me in bed."

Back at the table, Trent and Grant were talking too.

"I gotta tell you, Brad is terrific," Trent said. Trent thought that Brad was brought as a date for him. Grant is actually dating Brad. I'm sure you get it, but I just want to keep saying it so there's no confusion.

"Yeah, isn't he?" Grant said.

"It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an emotional age beyond, like, eight," Trent said.

"Yeah, and you know what else? He is unbelievable in bed," Grant said.

"Huh," Trent said. "Good to know."

Over at the coffee shop, Kurt and Elliott were giving Blaine advice on how to break up with Sebastian.

"You can do this, Blaine, it's just like pulling off a Band-aid. Do it really fast and then the wound is exposed," Elliott said. Blaine sighed and went back to the couch, where Sebastian was waiting for him. Blaine drained yet another espresso, but there was no more room on the table for his empties.

"Sebastian," Blaine began. "Hi Sebastian."

"Hi killer, are you sure you should be drinking so much espresso?" Sebastian asked. Blaine shook his head.

"No," Blaine said. "Okay, here we go. Sebastian, I don't think we should go out anymore."

"Oh," Sebastian said, surprised. "Well, there you go…"

At the Laundromat, Jeff was feeling self-confident.

"Okay, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do," Jeff said.

"That does not sound stupid to me," Nick said. "You know, it's like the first time I had to make dinner for myself, after Jason left me – he was such a great cook, too…" The buzzer on the washer went off. "I'm sorry, that's all the time we have. Next, on Nick…" Nick opened the washer. "Uh-oh."

"What's uh-oh?" Jeff asked.

"Uh-oh, uh-oh the laundry's done. It's a song! The laundry song that we sing. Uh-oh the laundry's done…" Nick sang.

"Nick, what's going on?" Jeff asked.

"Nothing, nothing, uh-oh the laundry's done," Nick continued to sing.

"Come on, show me," Jeff said.

"Alright, um, it's just that you left a red sock in with all your whites, and now everything's kinda pink," Nick said.

"Oh, everything's pink…" Jeff said, looking at his laundry.

"Yeah, except for the red sock, which is still red!" Nick said. "I'm sorry, please don't be upset. It could happen to anyone."

"Yeah, except it didn't, it happened to me. Oh, God, I'm gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father's right. I can't live on my own, I can't even do laundry!" Jeff lamented. "And I can't have you looking after me for the rest of my life–"

"Why can't you?" Nick asked.

"Nicky, I adore you, but you can't look after your high school roommate your whole life," Jeff said. "It doesn't make any sense."

Over at the restaurant, Grant was obviously working his hand across Brad's thigh, and Trent was getting more and more uncomfortable.

"So, something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to inflate. His head is, like, flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking… how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, Hunter, can we check it in the light, please?" Trent asked, finally giving up on trying to get Brad and Grant to stop that. Trent pulled Hunter over to the bar. "Oh, my God!"

"What?" Hunter asked.

"Hello, are we at the same table?" Trent asked.

"They're just close," Hunter said.

"Close?" Trent asked. "Hunter, we are roommates. Have I ever tried to put my tongue in your ear?"

"You could start," Hunter suggested.

"This is… it's not really true, is it?" Trent finally realized.

"Well, who's to say what's true?" Hunter asked.

"Oh, My God, what were you thinking?" Trent asked.

"All right, look, I'm not proud of this, okay? Well, maybe a little…" Trent slapped him across the shoulder. "Ow!"

"I'm outta here," Trent said.

"No, wait, wait, wait," Hunter said, holding onto Trent's arm as he tried to up and leave. "You want Brad, I want Grant. Brad likes you."

"Really?" Trent asked, skeptically.

"Yeah. I'm thinking if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up," Hunter said. Trent agreed to this, for some reason, and they began trying to actively break the pair up.

"I'm so sorry! I can't believe I did this, but I couldn't stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story," Trent said, trying to cleanse the spilt wine from Brad's shirt. Across the table, Grant was nomming chicken wings, making the weasel noise.

"Waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here," Hunter said. Grant smiled at him.

Back at the coffeeshop, Blaine had had about 12 more espressos and had enough energy to light up the whole city by himself.

"Here's the thing, Bas," Blaine said. "You know, I mean, it's like, we're different. I'm like the bing, bing, bing, you're like the boom, boom, boom. It's what you said, I'm all show choir and sunshine, and you're all lawyers and one-night-stands, and–" He was gesticulating wildly as he spoke, and accidentally hit Sebastian.

"Ow!" Sebastian gasped, grabbing his face.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry, are you okay?" Blaine asked. Sebastian took his hand away from his face, there was blood coming from his nose.

"I'm fine, I'll just be right back," Sebastian said, going to get tissues from the bathroom. Blaine turned to Kurt and Elliott.

"I hit him! I hit him and his nose is bleeding! This is the worst breakup ever!" Blaine exclaimed.

"Oh my God," Kurt said. Blaine downed another espresso. "How many of those have you had?"

"Oh, I don't know, like, a million?" Blaine said.

"Blaine, easy, easy, go to your happy place," Elliott suggested.

"I'm fine," Blaine said. Then he spotted Sebastian as he returned from the bathroom. "I'm not fine."

"Wait here. Breathe," Elliott said. He stood up and went to meet Sebastian. They talked for a few seconds, then Sebastian let out a heavy sigh, hugged Elliott, waved to Blaine, and left the coffee shop. Elliott spared a glance for Blaine and Kurt, then left the shop as well.

"How did he do that?" Blaine asked Kurt.

"It's like a gift," Kurt shrugged. "Are you okay?"

"No," Blaine said, hugging Kurt tightly. "Let's always break up together."

"I'd like that," Kurt said.

Back at the Laundromat, Nick, who knew laundry, had taught Jeff to bleach the pink back out of his whites so they'd be all white again, and they were waiting for the wash cycle to be done again.

"You got the clothes clean, that's the important part," Nick reminded Jeff. The mean old lady walked by and tried to steal their laundry cart.

"Whoa, sorry, excuse me, we had this cart," Jeff said.

"Yeah, and I had a 24 inch waist. You lose things. Now come on, get outta my way," the lady said. Jeff looked to Nick, who gave Jeff an encouraging gesture.

"I'm sorry, maybe I wasn't being clear," Jeff said. "This is our cart."

"Hey, hey, hey, there aren't any clothes in it."

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules!" Jeff shouted.

"Let go!" the lady exclaimed, pulling the cart away from Jeff.

"Alright, listen, missy, if you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it!" Jeff said, climbing into the laundry cart. The lady looked at Jeff, then at Nick, who shrugged, then back to Jeff, then let go of the cart and walked away. "Did you see that?" Jeff asked Nick, excited.

"You were incredible! Brand new man, ladies and gentlemen!" Nick said.

"I could not have done this without you," Jeff said, standing up in the cart, then wobbling because the cart was on wheels, and grabbing Nick around the neck for support, then kissed Nick briefly right on the mouth. Nick was absolutely stunned. Jeff turned kind of pink as he jumped out of the laundry cart.

"Um… more clothes in the dryer?" Nick said, turning around and promptly running into an open dryer door. "I'm fine, I'm fine…" Nick stumbled away from the dryers.

"Are you sure?" Jeff asked.

"No."

Later that night, Nick and Jeff were back at the coffeeshop, talking with Kurt.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Jeff asked Nick.

"Yeah," Nick said.

"Does it still hurt?" Jeff asked.

"Yeah," Nick admitted. Jeff held an ice pack to Nick's head, sitting beside him on the couch. The bell dinged on the door and in walked Trent and Hunter.

"How'd it go?" Kurt asked.

"Excellent," Hunter grinned.

"We ripped that couple apart, and kept the pieces for ourselves," Trent declared.

"What a beautiful story," Nick said sarcastically. "I'm fine, by the way."

"Oh, sorry," Trent said. "You alright?"

"Yeah," Nick said.

"Where's Blaine?" Jeff asked.

"He needed some time to grieve," Kurt said, seriously.

Outside, they heard Blaine dance by the window, yelling, "I'm free! I'm free!"

"That oughta do it!" Kurt said brightly.

A/N: Leave a review... Lemme know... Sebastian and Blaine break up and get back together so many times in this story, it's actually ridiculous.

Samantha.