Hey there :) This is my profile page. Since I don't really have all that much to say about myself, I have listed up some jokes for your amusement =3

.Unfortunately I have way too much work with my studies to write fanfics...hopefully I'll manage to find some time to continue. :/

I haz facebook: https://www.facebook.com/natasha.white.98

add me if you enjoy obnoxiousness =3

Things that get me annoyed

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.
I know where my watch is buddy, where the heck is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?!

When people say, ''Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too.''
What good is a damn cake if you can't eat it?
What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say, ''It's always in the last place you look.''
Gee, ya think? Of course it's in the freakin' last place you look! Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?!
Do people do this?
Who and Where are they?!

When people say, while watching a movie, ''Did you see that?''
No, moron, I paid 8 bucks to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling up there.
What did you come here for?

When people ask, ''Can I ask you a question?''
Didn't really give me a choice there, didya buddy?

When something's ''new and improved'', which is it?
If it's new, then there has never been anything before it.
If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going.
You should know, you pulled me over.

Words of Wisdom.

Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're certain he won't get up.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.

This is as bad as it can get...but don't bet on it.

There is no substitute for geniune lack of preparation.

By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.

The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the world.

The other line always moves faster...until you get in it.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

I've seen the truth and it makes no sense.

If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

Artificial Intelligence id no match for Natural Stupidity.

Teamwork...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

The Romans did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos...then you problably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists alsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.

Handle with care!

On a blanket from Taiwan:
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM TORNADO.

On a Taiwanese shampoo:
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

On the bottle of a (UK) flavored milk drink:
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect sray:
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer:
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box)

On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrihoids:
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:
OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer:
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of Fritos:
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of the box):
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
WARNING- CONTAINS NUTS.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

On a child's superman costume:
WAERING OF THIS GARMET DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DRAWSINESS.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.

The best bumper stickers

''Change is inevitable, except from a vending maschine.''

''Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.''

''As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.''

''Laugh alone and the whole world thinks you're an idiot.''

''I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.''

''The gene pool could use a little chlorine''

''Don't blame me, I'm the thing from Uranus''

''I took an IQ test and the results were negative''

''Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?''

''Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.''

''Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.''

''He who laughs thinks the slowest''

''i souport publik edekasion''

''We are Microsoft. Resisitance is futile. You will be assimilated.''

''Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.''

/This is something I copied and paste from someone else/

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Flying can get a bit boring at times. Airline attendants occasionally make an effort to make announcements and in-flight safety lectures more entertaining. These are just some of the genuine examples that have been heard or reported over the years:

- ''To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt. If you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.''

- ''As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.''

- ''There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this aeroplane.''

- When a plane finally came to a halt, ''We ask you to remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.''

- After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms, a fight attendant announced, ''Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck, everything has shifted.''

- ''In the even of a sudden loss of cabin pressure margarine cups will decend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, then pick your favorite.''

- ''Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed for you before we arrive.''

- ''Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your nose and mouth before assisting children or other adults acting like children.''

- ''Last one off the plane must clean it.''

- ''And from the pilot during his welcome message, ''We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!''

- ''Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Braveheart and his magnificent crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared an the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.''

Well, if you think about it...

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers, eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like
Speaking English is apparently what kills you