Yo. No names, specifics, or life stories here. I'm just your average compulsive, ff reading, chick.

Likes: Blueberry Muffins, Apple Pie, (and many other varieties of pastries). New car smell, A good sneeze, rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens (lol), Musicals, an awesome fight scene, CHOCOLATE (choco choco), A nice long ab-ripping laugh, random screaming, sleeping, chilling with my homies, action romance comedy movies/books, computer nerds, finding a totally bitchin song, long reviews, etc. I have also come to the stunning conclusion that I LOVE TO WRITE OCS. Mostly because it is such a challenge to warm ff readers up to them.

Dislikes: TWILIGHT, posers, Karin (from Naruto. Although I like sasuke a little less now sigh WHY DID HE HAVE TO BECOME SUCH A DUMB BITCH!?), Paris Hilton, Jonas brothers, Hanna Montana/Myley Cyrus, liars, hypocrites, computer viruses, the smell and taste of licorice, stereotypes, twizzlers, those hideous 'scion' cars, Avril Lavigne, the smell of booze, yappy dogs, paranoia, and various other annoyances that I cannot recall. May require updating xD

Pairings: Hellsing: AluxSeras, AluxInt, PipxSeras, MaxwellxIntegra. Naruto:SasuSaku, HinaGaara, NaruHina, HinaSai, JuugoHina, ShikaIno, SuiSaku, DeiSaku. Vampire Knight: ZeroxYuuki, RukaxKain, YorixAido, ShikixRima ( I hate KanamexYuuki. What was the author thinking?! SIBLINGS!? UGH! I don't care if they're vampires...ew.) Kuroshitsuji: Um...yeah I got nothing. Grell is gross and um Ciel is...thirteen people, come on...seriously. No wait! CielxLizzie (suck on that if you don't like it, I think it's cute). Avatar: ZukoxKatara, SokkaxSuki, AangxKatara, SokkaxTai-Lee, TophxAang. Samurai Champloo: FuuXMugen

Movies: POTC (the first one. I must take time out to protest the fourth movie. A.) No Lizzie and Will D:! B.) This new chick played by Penelope Cruz disturbs me very much from what I have heard. She is a hard core pirate, black beard's daughter, Jack's 'childhood friend', Really Hot, is the Captain of her own ship...dear god MARY SUES HAVE INFILTRATED THE BIG SCREEN! GOD HELP US!) , Ice Age, I robot, V for Vendetta, Almost any Jackie Chan or Jet li movie xD, I spy, Ever After, The Italian Job, Shrek, Phantom of the Opera, Vampire Hunter D, Hoodwinked, Tangled, Over the Hedge, 300 (sexy guys drools), Forbidden Kingdom, The Green Hornet, and the list goes on.

Music: Apocolypta, Metallica, Maroon 5, Amber Asylum, Kerli, Andrea Bocelli, Charlie Daniels, MSI (I like my coffee black just like my metal!!), Therion, Sarah Brightman, Fergie, Black Eyed Peas, AEROSMITH, QUEEN, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Etta James, Louis Armstrong, Rascal Flatts, Jason Mraz, Gnarles Barkley, Beatles, Warrant, Elvis Crespo, The Cramps, Scissor Sisters, Bruno Marz (and the assorted list goes on and on. I really have no preference to genre. However you MUST have actual talent.)

Age: ...I'm 4,003 years old.

From the Vampiric Council regarding Stephanie Meyer

Council Chambers
Association of Vampiric Activities Worldwide
1431 Wallachia Ave.
Sighisoara, Transylvania

From the Council Chambers of the Association of Vampiric Activities Worldwide

Regarding those of the Vampire race in the Cullen family and the now-former human Isabella Swan, with the following issues brought before Stephanie Meyer.

It has come to our attention that your creation's popularity among humans - particularly adolescent females - has been on the rise as of late. While we do respect those promoting our kind who achieve fame and glory, we nevertheless must hold you accountable for promoting several grievous misconceptions about our race.

Grievance the First: Lifestyle

It has been discovered through various interviews with readers and fans that you claim the following: Vampires do not sleep, breathe, or eat. Additionally, you state that Edward Cullen drinks animal blood to avoid biting humans. To begin, Vampires should generally sleep in a coffin containing the soil of their homeland. It is not a necessity, but it is highly recommended to preserve vitality. This is a fact that has been laid down since the time of our most ancient ancestor Ch'thon. The concept of not needing to breathe is foolish. Certainly the more powerful among us consider breathing a hobby, however a study of the Cullen family reveals that none of them are at such a level. The consumption of animal blood is something you are only partially correct on. It is common knowledge that nothing can surpass 100 percent genuine virgin blood in terms of performance enhancement. Animal blood works in emergencies, but fresh human blood - preferably virgin - is the status quo.

Furthermore, if our kind were to feed solely on animals with lower-quality blood, feedings would increase and it would cause potential instability in the planetary food chain and we could all very well end up extinct.

Grievance the Second: Method

Your portrayal of Edward Cullen in particular is a slight affront to our race. He is described using reference from the novels in the following way:

"Edward, like all Vampires in the Twilight series, possesses superhuman beauty, strength, speed, endurance, and agility. His scent and voice are enormously seductive, so much so that he occasionally sends Bella into a pliant daze entirely by accident."

Our abilities do vary, so thankfully the idea of Edward being a fast mover is not an affront to us. The rest of the description, however, we take exception to. While the idea of our race being a sexual one by nature is indeed true, Vampires are quite adept at restraint of libido. We remain unobtrusive as need dictates, and merely charming when appropriate. Methods of seduction are to be employed against humans only when a Vampire has reached a state of mental maturity. The idea that Edward - being so young mentally - practically radiates lust is ridiculous. If Isabella Swan is indeed swooning around one such as him, the cause is more than likely akin to a pungent smother than an aromatic caress.

A requested message from Proinsias Cassidy states that one need not "look like a total (expletive deleted) wanker t'get some (expletive deleted)." To express things more eloquently, we wish you would cease writing things in an apparent state of self-induced arousal.

Grievance the Third: Concerning Isabella Swan

As is most likely obvious by now, the brunt of our displeasure with you seems to focus on Edward Cullen. Also of concern to us is your handling of the human Isabella Swan. While member Seras Victoria points out that Vampires can indeed fall in love with humans, such likelihood seems to fade as the Vampire grows more accustomed to their lifestyle. The near-immediate conversion to a Vampiric state to further develop a relationship is permissible and indeed encouraged. Unfortunately in your story, it seems it takes most of the series before this happens.

By all rights, only a fresh Vampire would be so hesitant to turn the target of their affection to their kind, as they would still cling to humanity. You state that Edward has been alive since the early 1900's. He should have shed such a connection to Humanity by this time. Furthermore, Vampires are generally not driven to attempt suicide simply because of badly-handled romantic situations.

Grievance the Fourth: Concerning Power

Stated above, powers do vary within, and a Vampire's abilities may even change as they gain power and status.

Default Vampire powers are the following:
Increased strength
Increased speed
Enhanced senses
Telepathy
Familiars among the animal kind and limited shapeshifting of a related nature

Note that some Vampires may not possess these abilities, and some may possess others. Edward's current lineup of abilities is largely satisfactory, although we must state that no human is immune to a Vampire's telepathy. The idea of 'injecting venom into the heart' to convert a human to a Vampire is nonsense. Drinking a humans blood first renders them weak, and if a human is severely drained by a Vampire, only then do they themselves become a Vampire.

Additionally, the concept of Vampires having such varied powers among their own kind for the reason you describe is largely ridiculous. Vampires gain and perfect powers as they mature. Please realize that the varied capabilities of the Volturi are primarily telepathic in basic nature, and that the elementalist abilities of the Egyptian Coven's member Benjamin is more akin to the misrepresented nature of the so-called 'ninjas' of "Naruto" rather than the true abilities of any Vampire.

Furthermore, the idea of Vampires sparkling in sunlight is seen by us as truly nothing more than a foolish plot device. The most powerful of us are merely annoyed by sunlight, while the vast majority would - as member Proinsias Cassidy describes - "go up like six tons of Symtex."

Further Comments:

President Vlad Dracula would like to state that even if you were a virgin he would not drink from you, for it would only sully our race.

Member Proisias Cassidy's message has been removed due to generally inappropriate language.

Member Saya Otonashi commends you on including a character who wishes to become a Vampire, however she feels offended that such a character would change so swiftly and practically throw her character away when changing so.

Member Angelus advises that the next time Edward Cullen feels jilted in his love life, that he try to sort out the problem himself.

Member Louise de Pointe du Lac recalls his own experience in Human-Vampire relations and cannot help but wonder how Isabella might have fared if she had met Lestat.

Member Seras Victoria wishes she could sparkle in the sunlight too. She has been reprimanded.

Council Notes:

-We must commend you on the concept of the Volturi, although we find their policies regarding knowledge of our kind and dislike of Vampire children to be largely pointless.

-In anticipation of potential backlash regarding oddities among our own race, we wish to settle the following disputes here and shortly. First, concerning the unique nature of Vampires in Saya Otonashi's place of residence, human experimentation has muddled our kind their. The Chiropteran and Cavalier race are genetic deviants. Secondly, Proinsias Cassidy has quietly informed us that he had his fangs filed into normal incisors so as to avoid unwanted attention among humans. Furthermore, Louise de Pointe du Lac has commented on a new Vampire's need to bite and drink from the one who created them. This is not a necessary act and it has been concluded that this is an act done by some to give a Vampire their first blood until they are strong enough to feed themselves.

-In reference to your typical styles of romance, we have made contact with huntress Selene concerning her escapades with the Lycanthrope race.

-We are aware that the Count currently living on Sesame st. as well as Count Chocula do not conform to the standards set by the Council, however their actions and lifestyle are acceptable as they are useful for drawing in children.

-It is the esteemed belief of this Council that in cinematic portrayals of our race, Bela Lugosi and Tom Cruise make far better Vampires than Robert Patterson.

Sincerely,
Vlad Dracula, Count (President)
Proinsias Cassidy (Head of Human Relations Department)
Saya Otonashi (Deputy Head of Human Relations Department)
Angelus (Redemptions and Counseling)
Louise de Pointe du Lac (Chief Historian)
Seras Victoria (Head of Security)

Post-script: Should you happen to be in contact with the esteemed Mr. Richard O'Brien before we are, please remind him that Transylvania is not 'trans-sexual', and we have no record of 'sweet transvestites' living here. The tourists are becoming annoying.

Favorite Quotes:

"I've been to the darkside man...they lied about the cookies...T.T."

"Of course I'm out of my mind...it's dark and scary in there."

"Me I'm dishonest, and a dishonest person you can always trust to be dishonest, honestly. It's the honest ones you oughtta watch out for because you never know when they are gonna do something incredibly...stupid."

"What I'm thinking about right now involves a machete and a pair of pliers."

"I'm a school girl in love with her senpai!"

"The problem here is...you're talking in math...and I'm listening in stupid."

"This is the way we stir the guac, stir the guac, stir the guac."

"Miss Hanes, If you ever find yourself under a flaming building that's about to collapse onto you and someone comes to offer to carry you to safety don't look, don't think, don't hesitate for one moment just...spit in his eye!"

"Luke… I am your father's mother's, brother's, sister's, cousin's, half sister's, nephew's,...ex room-mate."

"You are so gay! You big parfai you flaming one man cabaray!!"

"Hello!! I am your femur! Consider yourself fucked!"

"To die would be a great adventure"

"Pizza Pizza Pie! Every minute, every second PIE PIE PIE PIE PIE!!"

"Wrong! Your ears you keep and I will tell you why...so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish...every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out 'dear GOD what is that thing?' will forever echo in your perfect ears."

"I swear, if you say my mother is hot I will puncture you like a juicebox."

"SILENCE! I KILL YOU!"

"Wanna get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait."

"Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid."

"Horror: He's insane!!! Fantasy: He's POSSESSED! Adventure: He's MY kinda guy!!! WHOOO!!!" -Page Master

"Though she be but little, yet she is fierce."

Fan Art:

There are two fan arts based on two of my stories.And since I'm a bit technologically impaired (I'm a writer not a techie D'x) I'll just hope the links can let you see them.

Kitten is Angry: cielphantomhivesgirl drew her own sketch of Ivy. http:// www . deviant art . com /art/ Ivy -Ashcroft-279625196

The Bigger Picture: Tsuki-no-Rakuen made me very happy x3 http :// tsuki-no-rakuen . deviantart . com /art/ Fanfiction-Art-188087287

Once again I'm not sure if those will help but remember to remove the spaces