Samuel Keller is a fanfiction writer who has written stories for Call of Duty, Borderlands, Dark Souls, and Dishonored. He is considered an exemplary piccolo player. He is capable of limited levitation, as long as it is over sand. He enjoys spelunking in New Zealand. He is able to see perfectly in the dark up to a distance of sixty meters.

On the weekends, he often participates in trainspotting with a gay Peruvian and an English Mastiff. He collects milk bottles, perfectly equilateral Doritos chips, and tennis balls. He is a connoisseur in polka, a narcissist in denial, and a priest in Minnesota.

He has learned the secret of immortality, but sold it for twenty-six dollars and four matchsticks. He is capable of finishing a 2-year puzzle in 18 months. He has seduced women with his euphoric vanilla fudge brownies. He does not grow arm hair.

When needing to let off steam, he builds train model sets from the 1920's. His work in the cultural ramifications of nose picking have made him the envy of the philosophical field. Two winters ago he traveled the world while inside a Ford Fusion. Animals like him.

He has been abducted by Somalian pirates. He has a mean forehand backswing. He has won coin flips in Jamaica, dog breeding contents in the Sydney Opera House, and chess tournaments in the Louvre. He has been to three midnight showings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, drank with Johnny Cash, and donated to the Smithsonian.

But he has not had one of his stories read by you.