Once upon a time, there was a boy who was born with a screw in his belly button. This poor boy suffered much ridicule because of this abonormality and he desperately wished for it to disappear. One night, he was wandering out in the dark desert with only the dim light of the stars to guide him. Driven half-insane with thirst and hunger, he fell to his knees and begged for the cosmic forces to remove the screw in his belly button. Minutes later, a golden screwdriver descended from the heavens. Very slowly, it twisted the screw out of his navel...

...and then his ass fell off.

(the above was a true story)

"Reality continues to ruin my life." ~Bill Watterson
(personal motto)

"What are you saying, Carla, JESUS wasn't a FETUS? Jesus was a HOLY FETUS." ~Marc

"I have the spirit of a fat girl." ~Cat

"Prom's a waste of a guy's money and a girl's virginity." ~David G.

Guy: "Don't make fun of the Holocaust, Megan. We had a family member who died in it."
Megan: "Oh, I'm so sorry."
Guy: "Yeah...he fell out of his watchtower."

"Yeah, totally! Cause, you know, I get crucified, like, every other weekend." ~Kevin

Allison: "I'm taking Cooper with me on a cruise this summer."
Me: "Try not to get him pregnant."

"Did you know that if you wait long enough, your virginity grows back?" ~Victor

"I think there's a law against being poor in Southlake." ~Mi Hermanito

"Sara, quit squirting your gourd at me!" ~Kyle

"David, I think your rubber's leaking." ~Kyle

"I smell like flowers, minus Cheetos." ~Cat

"Sticks and stones might break my bones, but words will hurt and devastate my inner child." ~Victor

"Of course I'm heavier than your tuba! I HAVE LIFE!" ~Victor

"That's what happens when you girls have babies. Except for when you're married. Then God cuts the pain in half." ~Mrs. Sublette

"LACTATE DAMN IT!" ~Whitey

Paunch: "I think I'm bi."
Nathan: "Why the hell are you telling me this now?"

"Everyone knows the key component of serious, rampant procrastination is the inability to put anything on paper. " ~Shonda Rhimes

"What kind of question is that? That's like asking Hitler why he bought a new oven." ~Megan T.

"That is some awkward love geometry." ~Lizzie

"Thanks for nailing me in the ass, Victor...I MEANT WITH SNOW!" ~Jane

Marc: "The only difference is Mary Poppins didn't have a penis."
Michael: "Damn it, disappointed again."

Jane: "Ha, Cat, you're married to Marc!"
Marc: "Ha, Jane, you're in an on and off sexual relationship with Ben."

Jeff: "If you just got a bunch of musicians in a room and told them to play, no music or anything, what would it sound like?"
Gary: "Jazz."

"Screw the French. It's freedom kissing." ~Marc

"See that stop right there? See how you didn't die? That was a sexy stop." ~Marc

(visual basic joke)
If Hot Then
Fly
ElseIf Ain't Then
Not
End If
~Marc & Me

"Psh, that's lame. Infections are for pansies."

Me: "I hate being so short, I can't see anything."
David: "You can sit on my lap if you want."
Me: "No, David, I will not have sex with you! If you want to have sex with me, you're going to have to get me drunk and do me on prom night like any other guy! God, if you're going to take advantage of me, at least do it right!"
David: "Sorry, Carla, I'll be sure to follow protocol next time."

Me: "Caitlin, quit pissing your pants!"
Caitlin: "For the last time: IT WAS KOOL-AID!"

"What fictional character would I date? Well, I really love the Harry Potter books, but I know that someone's going to call me some creepy old pervert if I say Hermione Granger..." ~Fr. Thomas XDXDXD

Sarah: "Have you gotten a pap smear lately?"
Joe: "I'm a guy. I have no paps to smear."

"Sorry, Ted. I left my testicles at home." ~Katie

"I'm Catholic. Of course I hate the bible." ~Joe

"Oh wait, your watch is in killing people time." ~Mike

Joe: "I think Angelle drinks a gallon of mayonnaise a day. That's why she's so jolly."
Angelle: "You too, can be happy."

"Eat shit, Jeff Scott." ~Joe

"Oh, Carla...you're fun-sized!" ~Dana

"You're the poop sock guy!" ~Joe

"Buddhist sneak attacks!" ~Joe

"Let's just say the pin on his compass pointed north more often than not." ~Walter

"I just Germ-Xed my mouth." ~Joe

"It's the peace machine gun." ~Ted

Chris: "These balls are heavenly."
Sarah: "...WHAT?"

"I smoked a cigarette - which I'm never going to do again - and I lost my virginity - which I'm never going to do again."

Maria: "Any size larger than that is a dollar fifty more."
Joe: "DISCRIMINATION!"

Jen: "Where'd you get those flowers?"
Joe: "Off a casket."

"Guys, it's pretty high, so grab whatever you need to hit those notes." ~Ted

"Oh, I'd totally take off my pants for anyone with a guinea pig." ~Katie

"It's kind of useless to point at a blind person, Ted." ~Katie

"Whenever my daughters have it, I read Cosmo because I want to figure out one hundred and twenty things I want somebody to do to me." ~Michael Grinfeld

Me: "OH MY GOD, YOU LOOK LIKE A HIPPIE!"
Marc: "Hey...we prefer the term bohemian."

"Who are you to criticize my double-standards?" ~Fr. Thomas

"You must think I'm a whore. I don't entrust my uterus to just anyone."

Ted: "Laura, quit groping me!"
Me: "Geez, Ted, what is there to grope?"

"So do you not use deodorant, you just stuff potpourri in your armpits?" ~Sarah

"You're like a Protestant...you take a two hour break and then you go back." ~Teresa

"Zebras and rainbows make me nervous." ~Joe

"Your mom is a great dancer and I want to lick her ankles." ~Joe

(We were Christmas caroling)
Fr. Thomas: "Ted, this is a Jewish nursing home!"
Ted: "WHAT?"
Fr. Thomas: "Just kidding."

"Malaria is a son of a bitch." ~Laura

David: "I'll rock around your Christmas tree."
Marc: "I'll jingle your bells."

"Hi, we're Teresa and the Christmas Experience." ~Marc

"Hi, we're the Yule Tide Revolution." ~Marc

"Hi, we're the Jingle Bell Jammers." ~Marc

"Hi, we're the Caroling Crew." ~Marc

"That was as smooth as a car crash." ~Caleb

Me: "How did you get your hair like that?"
Joe: "It starts with a healthy prayer life."

Me: "Ted, you're like an Asian leprechaun."
Dan: "Yeah. With a bowl of rice at the end of the rainbow."

"Making Ted cry is like kicking a puppy in the balls." ~Katie

"That makes my OCD happy." ~Katie

Clay: "Ha, try being one of seven kids!"
Stud: "Hey, I was one of twenty-five."
Clay: "Who has twenty-five kids?"
Matt: "Catholics."

"Carla! Get to him before God does!" ~Megan

"I think evolving to no longer being asexual was the worst idea in history." ~Marc

"God gave man a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time." ~Caleb

"And then I asked him, 'Mr. Penguin! What are you doing in my boot? Shouldn't you be at the North Pole?'" ~Dan

"I didn't want to be like, 'CUNT BLOCK!'" ~Katie

Dana: "Penises are weird."
Ryan: "Penises are very weird. They're like the only protruding part of the male anatomy that you don't have control over."
Beth: "Brandon can control his!"

"Hey! I know you! Let's have an informal conversation!" ~Joe

Joe: "Apparently I look like Meatloaf."
Me: "The singer and the food."

Mandy: "I can't believe you're choosing to sit here, Father Joachim."
Joe: "Well even Jesus dined with sinners and prostitutes."
Me: "So what are you implying, Joe? That Mandy and I are prostitutes?"

Joe: "TRIP THE BLIND GIRL!"
Mandy: "Hi, Joe."

Joe: "Oh, no. I just give Jeff shit to his face, but I say really nice things about him whenever he's not around."
Jeff: "Just think of it like a eulogy, only I'm still alive."

"Does everyone else feel really young or is it just because Fr. Joachim is here?" ~Joe

"He's such a fart. And a flirt. Let's call him Flart." ~Joe

"We don't talk about hookers. They're not real." ~Joe

(Before you read this, you must know that Joe looks like a dirty hippie and Evan uses a wheelchair. I'm not Samoan, but we have an inside joke saying that I am.)
Evan: "It's the dirty hippie's fault!"
Me: "Ooh! Score one for the cripple!"
Joe: "And the Samoan goes for the legs. Literally."

Laura: "I don't want to breathe in secondhand smoke, Joe."
Joe: "Then maybe you shouldn't be standing so close to a fire."

"I'd stamp that if it wouldn't make me a pervert." ~Joe

"Drums make me want to ovulate." ~Joe

"I gave up sleep for Lent!" ~Joe

"That's what I love about the Bible...it's chock full of scripture." ~Fr. Scott

"That sounds like someone raping an animal farm." ~Joe

"I get really angry whenever I get something in my eye because I mean, SERIOUSLY! What are the chances?" Cynthia(Cynthia's Asian)

"Sometimes alcohol isn't a social lubricant. Sometimes it's a social laxative." ~Joe

"There's a French terrorist outside!" ~Jonathon

"AHH! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" ~Fr. Thomas

(in a Russian/Spanish/Ukranian/Italian accent)
"I like you better when you at work." ~Sarah

Caitlin: "Oh my God, Carla...I have no boobs in this picture. Where did they go?"
Me: "I don't know. Maybe the Boob Fairy took them?"

"Martinis are the language of my people." ~Sean (Sean's gay)

Muddy: "Mike, Batman or Superman?"
Mike: "Duh! Superman, 'cuz he's real!"

Kyle: "Then what would you call Bambi? A nature film?"
Marc: "What? That's like calling Aladdin a cultural experience."

"Girls don't wash their shoes! That's what boys are for." ~Marc

"Crap, I'm walking in grass. My shoes are allergic." ~Walter

"I'm in a posthumous relationship with Frank Sinatra." ~Me

"Like you could say, 'The bird flies over the coconut,' and that can mean, 'How was the flight?' And then I'll reply, 'The lights shine bright in Albuquerque,' and that can mean, 'The flight was great. The pilot was a douchebag.'" ~Me

"Whoa...homeboy smells like a forest." ~Me

"I think I got bit by an orgasm." ~Joe

"My grandma took a vacation to vagina." ~Joe

"Men, we all have the impulse to kill our fathers and sleep with our mothers. If you haven't figured that out yet, you've been repressed and you need to get over that." ~Prof. Schenker

Me: "Who would win in a fight? Evan or Joe?"
Joe: "I'd just find some stairs."
Me: "Joe, that's terrible!"
Joe: "Well come on! In a physical fight, Evan would totally kick my ass! I can't let myself get beat up by a cripple!"

"The Dominican Order was formed to oppose the Albigensian Heresy. The Jesuits were formed to oppose the Protestant Reformation. How many Albigensians have you talked to lately?" ~Fr. Simon

"Nay-Nay passed away-way." ~Joe/Mixed Kaitlyn

Josh: "I'll let you guys pull out first before I leave."
Me: "That's what she said!"

Katie: "I just want a Pokey Stick."
Me: "That's what she said!"

Victor: "Did you guys do your homework?"
Little girl in his bible class: "No, it was too hard!"
Victor: "That's what she said."

"That's what it all comes down to in the end: who's afraid to touch whose peeper." ~Jonathon

"It's as hot as a two dollar whore in church waiting for a three dollar customer." ~Joe

"The basic idea is to concentrate as much love in this house in the next thirty-six hours, then explode it all over them." ~Colin

"You wanna smell victory, just sniff David Bowie's codpiece." ~Jeff Scott

"I don't know how you guys can handle it. My balls started sweating three feet into the door." ~Jeff Scott
(Hence, Ball-Sweat Saturday)

"I'm a big chubby muffin of burps and awkward." ~Joe

"We're bitches for the Lord." ~Me

"God loves a working man, so get your ass in gear." ~G-Side

Joe: "Just pull out. That's what she said!"
Victor: "Well obviously that doesn't work. Look at the Virgin Mary."
Danny: "Yeah. The Holy Spirit doesn't pull out."

"Your vagina says hi." ~Sean

"You smoke? We're over, Joe! TAKE YOUR PROMISE HAIR BAND BACK!" ~Sarah

Sarah N.: "Hey, what are you doing on Saturday between nine and noon?"
Me: "I believe I will be arguing with you over why I'm too busy to do whatever service event you have planned for this week, which will include a long list of excuses and will eventually end in my concession. Why?"

Victor: "Yo, J-Dawg."
Me: "Which one? Jacob's name starts with J too."
Jessie: "Well so does mine. But I'm a girl, so it doesn't apply."
Me: "Then by that logic, you would be J-Bitch."
Sean: "The only thing stopping me from calling you that for the rest of your life is the fact that we share bloodlines."

"There was one guy who ate the brains of his opponents on the battlefield, and the gods said, 'That's disgusting, you don't get to be immortal.'" ~Prof. Schenker

"If I ask, 'Is this Zeus or Poseidon?' Your answer would be, 'Yes.'" ~Prof. Schenker

"Isn't that sweet? They're all going to die. He's going to die...and he's going to die...well, she's going to get sold into slavery, if that's any consolation." ~Prof. Schenker

"Voldemort! There, I said it!" ~Prof. Schenker

"If you go into someone else's cave, at least wait for them to come home before you eat their cheese." ~Prof. Schenker

"My nipples are bigger than those sea shells." ~Victor

"Don't be hatin'. Interpretive dance frees my soul." ~Katie H.

Dr. Perry: "I'm pretty sure you'd be able to tell if it were a man or woman, despite the ski masks."
Me: "Well that's a generalization at the expense of the transgender community, and I'm pretty sure they don't appreciate that. Just throwin' that out there."

Prof. Fennel: "Y tú, Erica? Qué harrías si tu novio amara una chica otra?" (And you, Erica? What would you do if your boyfriend loved another girl?)
Erica: "Oh, um...cómo se dice 'punch him in the face?'"

Me: "What's a good excuse if you're caught helping your friend take a shower in a girls' bathroom?"
Nelson: "How much are you helping?"

Walter: "Haha, am I not fucking angelic?"
Me: "You value the truth and I value my life, so I'm not going to say anything."

Jonathan: "It's just a picture of me with a chick...en."
(pause)
Victor: "Wow, Jonathan, that almost sounded promising."

Victor: "You finally escaped the birth canal."
Me: "Hold on, a minute ago you cut the umbilical chord. How can you cut the chord before you escape the birth canal?"
Victor: "We had to shove him back in. He wasn't ready. Like a premie."

Me: "I'm going to stab you in the throat."
Eric: "Carla? Is there anything you'd like say in front of the rest of the choir?"
Sean: "Um, I believe she just said it. I don't know how much clearer you want her to be."

Daniel: "Has anyone ever told you that you're beautiful when you frown?"
Me: "No."
Daniel: "That's because you're not."

"I've never died before in my life." ~Victor

Katie: "I always thought that Jonathan would have comfortable biceps."
Victor: "I can vouch for that."

"So global warming is menopause?" ~Victor

Dr. Koller: "Is anyone here from Canada?"
Katie S.: "I'm from Minnesota!"

Victor: "That guy really needs to button his shirt."
Jessie and Me: "No he doesn't."

"I could feel my kidneys giving up, but I didn't care." ~Victor

Me: "You're Vietnamese! All you do is hair!"
Victor: "What? No! We do nails! Get your stereotypes right!"

"I watched two hours of 'For the Love of Ray J.' I don't give a shit about Ray J!" ~Victor

"There's no halfway. It's dead or no dead." ~Victor

"Jesus would be rolling over in His grave if He stayed dead." ~Victor

Me: "Do you guys have any rubbing alcohol?"
Victor: "No, but we have Everclear. It's basically the same thing."

Victor: "Jonathan's looking at lobster porn!"
Jonathan: "I'M STUDYING FOR ZOOLOGY!"

(Talking about the old Herbal Essences commercials)
Joe: "Do you have an orgasm every time you take a shower?"
Victor: "Not every time..."

"It's not gossip, it's fact. We're facting." ~Victor

"Jesus on three!" ~The Group

"There's a V...there's an I...there's a seizure..." ~Katie (deciphering Victor's signature)

"Don't get married in the Catholic Church. You have to do compatibility tests and shit. You can do that on eHarmony for a free six month trial or whatever." ~Bubba

"I don't know anything about marriage, but if you have to do it, prenupt the shit out of it." ~Bubba

"Don't put your sock on the seat. That's how you get STDs. You don't know how many cooches have been on there." ~Bubba

"I'm not a woman. I just have really bad cramps." ~Mike

"If that kid says 'cracka lackin' one more time, I'm gonna cracka lack him in the head." ~Jonathan

"Molly is a stupid whore." ~Clay

"They're all winners. They all belong in this nexus of winners where everyone knows each other." ~Clay

"Your jokes are so stupid! They're so stupid that they kind of make me want to laugh." ~Waiter at Ed Debevic's

"Repeat after me: 'This is your birthday song, it isn't very long.'" ~Waiter at Ed Debevic's

"Happy happy birthday, from all of Ed's to you. If I came here for my birthday, I'd hate my family too." ~Waiter at Ed Debevic's

Me: "So there's a sign above the urinal in the men's restroom at Ed Debevic's that says 'No ball playing.'"
Victor: "Man law."

Waiter: "The gratuity's included in the tip."
Mike: "Yeah, we took it out."
Waiter: "Oh, what, are you a bunch computer/math geniuses or something?"
Me: "Yeah. That's why we're not working as a bunch of grumpy waiters at a burger restaurant."

Waiter: "Do you want to see the desert menu?"
Us: "No, thanks."
Waiter: "Oh, what, you're too good for the desert menu?"
Me: "If the deserts are anything like the burgers, then yes we are."

Danny: "Well if you don't fall asleep, I won't grab it."
Me: "...THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

"If you're foaming at the mouth and it tastes like bacon grease, you have swine flu." ~Victor

Tony: "You know, in Mexico, they're called The Honas Brothers."
Sean: "I kind of want them to adopt a fourth brother named Ca, so he'd be Ca Honas."

"Oh, we will crank them out. We'll crank them out like Mexicans cranking out babies." ~Me, right in front of my supervisor

"Carla, you're a Filipino living in Texas, which means that in twenty years you'll be working at a massage parlor in the outskirts of Austin, giving people their happy endings." ~Joe

"I like to sneeze. When I was younger, I used to fart and sneeze at the same time. I'd do it for you now, but I don't know if I can do it anymore." ~Ryan

"This floatie's like a conversation condom; there are holes, but it still works." ~Muddy

Marc: "So he got in trouble for touching the male member--"
Me: "Pff. You said male member."
Marc: "I love you."

Me: "Hey, Vic, you want to talk to Kevin's roommates?"
Victor: "Are they hot?"

"There is only one instance in which you are allowed to lead with a quote, and that's when the quote is, 'I'm back,' and the person saying it is Jesus." ~Katherine

Ryan: (about The Beatles) "They looked funny."
Victor: "That's because they were British."

"I, as a homosexual, am required to be aware of the Bravo line-up at all time." ~Sean

Katie: "We could do a power 24 hours!"
Me: "IT'S HAPPENING."
Katie: "Dude, I was kidding. I don't think our livers could handle it."
Me: "Hey, you never know until you try."
Victor: "And if at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

"I love Jell-O shots. You don't need pee and your vomit looks like a rainbow." ~Katie

"Asian people are more flammable." ~Stephen

"Judge Cockburn made an influential decision on obscenity. That is his real name, I couldn't make this up." ~Prof. Davidson

(about an international student from Africa)
Clay: "But you know him right? Because he's one of your people."
Me: "Yeah, totally. We exchanged the minority handshake and everything."

Me: "Look at this kid! He smokes two packs a day and he's only two!"
Victor: "I saw that. He's a BAMF."
Me: "What the hell? He's going to get lung cancer at eight!"
Victor: "That's the price you pay for being a badass."