A/N So short is not a way to describe this chapter, despite my thinking this would be a short chapter, it's not, by any means. This chapter is one that the idea for it has been bouncing around since at least chapter 18, other than how Coldman would be taken down this was one of the most certain ideas I had for this story, I'm hoping even if you don't like what I do in this chapter you'll at least give this a chance, if not I'll still keep posting, flames and losing readers or whatever won't stop me. If this is the last chapter you read, thank you for reading this far.
Anyway, without further ado part 3 chapter, 5 suicide note
call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned
We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned
But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall
We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all
They're so hell-bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire
There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire
A knock at Cam's office door causes her to look up, it's Angela "Hey,"
"Hi, I'm going to head home." the artist was only on part time, along with Hodgins, and without any cases, they've been leaving around noon.
"Hodgins too?"
Angela shakes her head "He said he wanted to finish something."
Cam nods expecting to hear Angela's footsteps walk away. Instead, she hears the door shut, she looks up to see the artist by the edge of the desk. Cam raises one eyebrow as Angela asks, "Should I be concerned?"
"Concerned?" Cam frowns, "About what?
"What's going on between you and Brennan?"
"Me and Brennan?" Cam pauses "What are you talking about, Angela, there's nothing going on between me and Dr. Brennan."
"Between Dr. Saroyan and Dr. Brennan, maybe not. Between Cam and Brennan, you're lying, badly, try again." Angela laughs a bit with a smile.
"She's still recovering from being shot. Five times, remember? Nothing is happening between me and Brennan." Cam repeats looking down and breaking eye contact from the artist
"Yeah, I remember, why do you think I'm asking you and not her?" Angela responds, "Okay, how about this, do you want something to be going on between you and Brennan?"
"Angela, please." Cam sighs, "What do you want me to say?"
"You like her." Angela states more than questions, "a lot."
"Like I said, she's still recovering, Angela. I'm not going to do anything about what I feel, she doesn't need that, right now she needs a friend. If she- on the off chance she wants to- do whatever, until she's recovered it's totally in her court after she is- maybe, maybe I will." Cam puts her arms across her chest holding tightly to each of her upper arms.
"We're talking about the same person here, right?"
"We are."
"Okay," Angela nods "If you're sure."
"I am."
Angela leaves with a nod and a small smile, an idea forming in her head.
"Hey, baby boy," Angela smiles picking up Michael from daycare "How was your day? Huh?" He smiles and laughs at his mom, "What do you say we go visit your Aunt Brennan, huh? That sound good?" He blows a spit bubble at her "I'll take that as a yes." She smiles, texting Hodgins that she and Michael will be home a bit late should he get done with the experiment or whatever he had planned.
The knock on Brennan's door causes her to tense, she walks to the door, opening it to reveal "Angela?" She questions
"Hey, Sweetie, can we come in?"
"Um… yeah." She nods closing the door and unlocking the chain and reopening it letting the artist in, "What are you doing here, Angela?"
Angela looks over her friend, clearly she hadn't expected anyone coming over for a bit, she had a tank on, revealing a puckered scar on her arm amongst the many lined ones and another one grazing the crook of her neck, she's kept them all covered whenever possible since she left the hospital, "Michael wanted to visit his favorite aunt." She hands the boy to the anthropologist, who seems to melt looking at the boy. Angela smiles, she is not above using her son to get answers.
Brennan looks up from Michael giving the artist a look, she doesn't believe her, "Here, give me a minute," she hands the boy back to Angela and walks towards her room coming back with a university sweatshirt on, now covering the scars on her arm, Angela frowns a bit though notes, the sweatshirt does not have the logo of Northwestern but NYU maybe this will be easier than I thought Angela thinks with a smile, handing Brennan Michael again as they both sit on the couch.
Just as Angela figures the best way to get her friend to talk to her, Brennan's phone rings, she looks down at it, "I have to take this, it's Caroline," the anthropologist explains, standing, moving Michael to her hip and stepping just out of Angela's hearing range to answer the phone pacing a bit and bouncing the baby as she talks to the prosecutor, pausing after a couple minutes, sucking in a deep breath and stumbling a bit and turning to Angela, taking the phone away from her mouth "Angela, please." She asks motioning to the boy as she pulls a dining room chair and sitting down and, as soon as she is relieved from the boy, she puts three fingers about half way between her knee and hip, "Yes, I'm fine, Caroline." Angela hears the anthropologist respond, her phone now in her left hand "Yes, I'm sure… okay… tomorrow, really?… no, I'm sure… what do I owe you… you're sure?… okay… I will… thank you, Caroline." She hangs up slowly relieving pressure to the wound, thankful that the pain slowly resides.
"What was that about?" Angela asks as Brennan slowly moves her hand.
"Sorry, they pull sometimes," Brennan explains slowly standing.
"No," Angela shakes her head, using one hand to guide the doctor to the couch "The call with Caroline."
"I had called her earlier today and asked her to call me back."
"About?"
Brennan bites her lip, looking away from the artist "Nothing." She answers.
"Yeah, that's why she called you back and didn't chew you out."
Brennan sighs, looking up "You can't tell Cam or Booth or anyone. And please don't try and talk me out of this."
"Why would I-"
"Please, Ange."
"Okay," Angela nods "Fine, I won't tell the others." She hesitantly agrees if this was something that could truly hurt Brennan she'd be quick to break the agreement.
"I called Caroline to see if she could get me in to talk with Coldman. She said she could and that she'd set it up for tomorrow."
Angela freezes, not having expected that "Are you… Are you sure?" She forces out, if she had it her way, no one she cared about, especially Brennan, would be anywhere near that psycho again.
"Yes, I need to… confront what happened, this is the most direct way to do it. The best way to get back to normal."
"No one- have you told any of the others about this?"
"No, Cam would try to talk me out of it,"
"And the others? Booth or Sweets?" She didn't need to ask about Hodgins, he would've told her
"Booth will try to talk me out of it or go with me, I need to do this, and I need to do it alone." the anthropologist explains slowly standing up thankful there's no pain
"Okay, if you're sure, I won't tell the others, but you should probably tell one of the others."
"I will, tomorrow, okay?"
"Sounds good." Angela nods, she looks around the apartment "Are you going to have someone stay with you tonight, or tomorrow?" almost sure of the answer
"Cam had called a bit ago, said if I wanted she'd come over." Booth and Sweets had too but Brennan had adamantly denied the offers.
"Did you accept her offer?" Angela asks, figuring she could use this to see if her best friend had the same feeling for their boss… or at least acknowledged it.
Brennan bites her lip, hesitantly nodding now she'll know how weak I really am "Yes." pulling the sweatshirt up a bit higher.
Angela smiles, if she's willing to admit needing, or at least wanting, the pathologist near, and by the sounds of it willingly talks to Cam about the nightmares, or at the very least be in the same area as her when she has them, which is huge for Brennan, she didn't let herself or Booth near most the time. Her phone rings again "I'm sorry, Ange." she responds looking down at the phone before looking down at the name, clicking it off sending a text and throwing it back in her pocket "So, how are things in the lab?"
"No new cases yet, so, lots of paperwork. The FBI has us working with Booth again, but he really hasn't had a case either." Angela gives her an overview but shakes her head, "But you shouldn't be thinking about that, not until you're cleared."
"Physically, I think I'll be cleared, at least in the lab and crime scenes tomorrow or my next appointment. It'll be much longer till I'm physically okay for the field but…" she trails off with a small shrug
At that moment Michael starts crying, Angela looks at a clock "That'll be nap time, huh, little man?" She looks over to her friend, "I have to go get him to his crib. Call me later today or tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay," Brennan nods as Angela leans forward and hugs her "Bye, Ange."
"Bye, Brennan." Angela turns to the boy, crying but no longer screaming "Say bye bye to Auntie Brennan." She offers as she walks to the door.
When the artist leaves Brennan looks around, not seeing much to do, she decides to go for a walk, anything to get out of her apartment and mind.
A few hours after Angela and Hodgins leave Cam packs up her desk and walks out of her office, not really paying attention to more than just getting out of the lab. She nearly runs into "Melissa."
"I'm so sorry, Dr. Saroyan." The younger girl responds quickly, taking a step back
"No, it's fine, Melissa." Cam doesn't believe she's seen the lab tech since the shooting. She steps to continue walking to the door.
"How's Dr. Brennan?" The young woman asks
Cam turns to her, "Been better, but was a lot worse." She offers half heartedly
"Good," she nods "I'm sorry, I'm keeping you from leaving. She shakes her head motioning for the pathologist to leave "Have a good night, Dr. Saroyan."
"You too," Cam responds giving the tech a look before leaving the lab.
'I'm off, do you want me to head over now or later' Cam texts the anthropologist
'Up to you, I'm just working on a chapter, my publisher wants a new chapter ASAP' the response comes quickly
'Getting shot isn't enough of an excuse?'
'Apparently not- I have stuff for dinner tonight, no need for takeout'
'I'd offer to help, but considering I could set water on fire…'
'No need for that- I like my apartment without uncontrolled flames'
'Okay then- heading out, be there in a few' she starts the car figuring she just use one of the spare sets of clothes she has at the anthropologist's apartment, there's no need to drive halfway across town only to re-trek.
When she gets up to the apartment she knocks twice before using the spare key Brennan had given her three weeks ago, a few days after she had been released from the hospital "Brennan?"
"In the study," she calls.
Walking to the room just off the living room she sees the anthropologist leaning on the desk, glaring at the wall across from her, her laptop behind. Looking the anthropologist over, Cam lets out a small laugh, "Should I just write off that sweatshirt as a loss?" she jokes taking a few steps closer to the anthropologist
"Booth says possession is nine tenths of the law," Brennan offers with a small smile, attempting to distract Cam from the deadness in her voice taking the sweatshirt off and passing it to the pathologist "Sorry, Angela came over earlier with Michael, and…" she looks down at her now bare arms
"Angela?" Cam pauses she didn't, right? She remembers the conversation earlier today "Talk about anything interesting?"
"Nope," Brennan drops her gaze "Nothing really." she looks back at the wall before shaking her head closing the computer with a small sigh and turning to the other women "I'm going to go start food," she leaves before Cam can respond
Cam nods, hoping that Angela hadn't said anything, "I have a few emails to respond to, call me if you want help. Kay?"
"Yeah." she hears the response down the hall.
The evening is awkward, silence reigns over dinner and clean up, normally they never want for conversation, Brennan gives short two or three syllable answers and comments and Cam does the same, they turn on a CD for background noise and Cam picks up a book and Brennan continues the chapters, finishing at just after 10 at night. Finishing the last few words, Brennan stands, Cam snaps her attention to her, "I think- I think I'm going to go to bed."
"Yeah," Cam nods, looking at the time, 10:26, how'd it get so late? "I think I will too in a bit."
Brennan nods, moving to the hall
Cam bites her lip, debating before hesitantly, "Hey, Brennan?"
She turns back to look at the pathologist.
"We're good, right?"
Brennan frowns giving her a look "I don't know what that means, of course we are."
"Yeah, yeah," She nods "Sorry, never mind."
Brennan frowns but nods before leaving the room.
Cam's eyes snap open suddenly, she looks at the clock, 2:46, looking around she quickly realizes why she was woken up, Brennan. she stands, walking to the anthropologist's room the door's open slightly, so she easily sees the anthropologist sitting up rigidly, her knees against her chest, "Brennan?" she asks softly, pushing the door of the rest of the way open, moving to sit on the edge of her bed, putting her hand on Brennan's right arm, her muscles are tense, but she feels them loosen a bit. "Hey, what happened?"
"Nightmare." she offers softly, shaking her head and slowly seeming to calm a bit, though her hands are still shaking pretty bad, "I'm sorry, Cam."
"It's fine."
"No, you should go back to sleep." she motions to the door, sucking a breath through her teeth, putting her hand over her stomach, putting some pressure over her stomach wound's scar.
"Brennan…"
"I just- it just pulled, it's fine," Brennan explains through her teeth
"What can I do? Do you want pain meds?"
"No- No, I can't," she gasps out quickly
"What?"
Brennan sighs a bit, the pain slowly disappearing, "The pain medicine, it makes it so I can't wake up from nightmares. I know I should be over them, but I can't, and if I can't wake up…" Brennan trails off
Cam frowns, "When have you last slept more than 3 hours straight?" she knows she doesn't wake up to every one of Brennan's nightmares but between those and physical pain, she's sure it's been too long.
"Does the coma count?" Brennan asks softly.
"No."
"Then I'm really not sure," Brennan admits.
Cam looks at Brennan, she's not sure what she expected but still concerned, slowly an idea begins to form, "Do you trust me?"
Brennan gives her a look but nods "Yes," the answer comes without thought.
"Then trust me on this. Go to sleep, I'll stay, if you have a nightmare I'll wake you up, I promise, okay?"
"I can't keep you up for this," Brennan shakes her head.
"I'm offering, you're not forcing me or anything, you need some sleep."
Brennan lets out a bitter laugh "What I need is for these damned nightmares to stop, I need to get over them."
"They will, you just need to give it time-"
"I've given it time!" Brennan growls, running her hand through her hair.
"Brennan," Cam sighs putting her hand back on Brennan's arm "It takes a bit for a mind, even one as brilliant as yours, to work through something like that. It's only been a few weeks since you woke up." She reminds
"They're not just about the shooting, it's stuff I had gotten over years ago."
"Getting shot wasn't the first time you almost died this past year. And you don't need to be Sweets to figure Coldman chose the cases she did to fuck with you. The notes, the calls, the cases, all to get to you." Seeing the thoughts cross the anthropologist's face, she puts her other hand on Brennan's left hand, "Hey, like I said, I'll stay here. You need sleep; I'll wake you up if you have a nightmare."
"No." Brennan shakes her head, "I need to- I need to get over them. I can't- I can't let them win."
Cam gives a small scoff "You're still alive. You survived. A few nightmares doesn't mean they won." She moves slightly closer to Brennan, they both simultaneously realize they're mere inches apart.
"I want to believe you, but, Cam, half the time this." She motions to the room, "Doesn't seem real." She gives a bitter laugh, bunching the sheets below her into her fists, "that seems so preposterous. I don't even know what's real, yet I want it to stop."
"This," Cam echoes Brennan's previous motion, "is real." She moves her hand still resting on Brennan's, "This is real," she grabs Brennan's hand and moves her wrist under it, allowing the anthropologist to feel her pulse, "I'm real. So are the others." She moves the younger woman's hand onto her own wrist, "you're real too. You're real, and alive, and here, okay?"
"Wouldn't you say that no matter…" she trails off meeting Cam's steady gaze.
"Didn't you just say you trusted me?" Cam responds with a small smile.
"With my life." She responds, perhaps too quickly or quietly.
Cam pauses for a moment at the candid response.
Realizing her answer, Brennan bites her lip as the seconds tick on, as seconds turn to one minute then two, Brennan drops her gaze and pulls her hand away "Hey," Cam begins, putting her hand back on Brennan's, attempting to pull her back before she withdraws back into herself, "Brennan, please."
"Do you- do you trust me?" Brennan echoes blue eyes still not meeting brown.
"Yes," Cam nods, "Undoubtingly."
"I'm-" she bites her lip, "Please, I'm begging you to remember that when I do this, okay?" She pulls her hand from under Cam's
"What? Brennan-" putting her hand on Brennan's upper arm, hoping to get her to look at her before she can continue, Brennan leans forward, eradicating the minute distance between the two of them, Cam freezes, Brennan is kissing me Brennan leans forward a bit, Cam reciprocates hesitantly. Azure eyes close as the anthropologist leans a bit further into the kiss, Cam closes her eyes too, then she feels something wet and warm on her cheek, her eyes snap open again Brennan is crying not a full second after the realization Cam half leans half pulls back away from Brennan, "No. Brennan," she whispers, her voice hoarse.
Brennan looks down, what she just did slowly dawns on her fully what were you thinking. There's no way she won't HATE you for that. Not that she shouldn't. "Hey," Cam begins cutting through the thoughts, "Look at me, please Brennan." She keeps her hand on Brennan's arm, using the other to snake under the other woman's chin, making blue eyes meet brown. Cam sees a hurricane behind cerulean eyes, normally hidden from all behind thick steel wall now clear for all, for her, to see. Several emotions fight for dominance in her eyes, guilt, sadness, self-loathing, and several others swirl in and out of focus, "We-" she moves her hand from under Brennan's chin to her cheek wiping the tears from her cheeks, "Not tonight." Cam sighs giving Brennan a sad smile, "Not when you're like this."
"I- I shouldn't've." Brennan shakes her head, "I shouldn't have done that. I- I'm so sorry Ca- Dr. Saroyan." Cam doesn't miss the name change nor the way Brennan's muscles tensed before she had made the change and her breath swallowing a bit, "that was- I shouldn't have done that." She repeats breaking her gaze away from Cam's and pulls away completely.
"No, don't- don't be sorry." She shakes her head. Any other night, person, circumstance, I wouldn't have stopped this so quickly. I can't be another person who hurts, takes advantage of her. Like I told Angela, right now she needs a friend. She leans further back, putting all her weight on the heel of her palm, "Please, Brennan, don't get me wrong, I'd like to," didn't you say just earlier today that she needed to make the first move "But it's like I said, not now, not tonight. I can't, not in good consci- just. Wait. We should wait, and we should talk about this. Later. Give us both time to think, so we don't do something we regret. Okay?"
"Yeah," Brennan nods quickly, repeating, "Yeah." Cam stands, she really did need to think.
"Keep your door open, I'll be across the hall like I said, I'll wake you up if you have a nightmare." Cam pauses, "Unless you want me to leave? Call one of the others?"
"What? No." Brennan shakes her head, "Unless you want to?"
"No, as I said, I won't leave, I promise." Cam smiles before turning to continue walking away.
Cam, I'm sorry, it was irrational, I really shouldn't have done that." Brennan apologizes to her back.
Cam shakes her head, "Like I said," she turns and looks the anthropologist in the eye, "Don't apologize, you don't have anything to apologize for. We'll talk about it later when it's not. She looks at the glowing red numbers on the clock, "3:27 in the morning, and are a bit more awake and have thought about it a bit, okay? Just…" she pauses, "Let's just try to get some sleep."
"Yeah," Brennan nods, biting her lip as Cam walks away, "Hey, Cam?"
She turns around again.
"We're- we're going to be okay, right?"
"Yeah, of course we are." She nods, hoping she's not lying.
"Good." Brennan nods.
Cam walks across the hall back to the guest room. She paces along the foot of the bed out of view of the doorway, needing to think.
Brennan kissed her
Brennan kissed her
Brennan kissed her
She tries in vain to wrap her mind around this thought along with a dozen other thoughts. Finally shaking her head, she lies down, deciding to try and get some sleep and think this over in the morning, or at the lab if they don't have a case, which is likely. She closes her eyes, promising to talk about this with Brennan as soon as possible, no backing out of it.
So... What did you think?
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