Disclaimer: I don't own no rings of power, dwarves or hobbits, or Tolkien's marvellous creations.

Warnings: A few mild profanities here and there.

Part I

Smaug: Rawr! Smash! Cartwheels of Doom! It's awesome to be me for many obvious reasons!

Everyone: Let's Panic! The dragon is coming!

Master of Laketown: Quick! Feed all the women and children to it, while I save the gold!

Tauriel: All kids and dwarves have better move it, unless they want Smaug digesting their house with them inside.

Bard: Time for the criminals and unjustly locked away heroes to break out of jail.

Master of Laketown: Row, row, row my gold, gently down the stream!

Bard: Merrily, merrily, merrily, I will strangle him!

Bard proves that you don't have to be Smaug to punch holes in the buildings and escapes the jail. He climbs a tower and tries to shoot Smaug with the regular arrows that fail big time.

Kili: Go Bard! Go Bard! Give me a B!

Tauriel wants to whack him with a paddle for rocking the boat and then reconsiders since he's the love of her life.

Tauriel: To slay a dragon you need 1 bard, 1 bard's kid, 1 prophesy arrow and a few fire trucks, but the fire trucks aren't really necessary, they just have pretty twinkling lights.

Bard's Son: It's time to get swinging! He gets Bard a special prophecy arrow that's way bigger at least.

Smaug: Eyes the kid. Oh thanks, you brought dessert.

Bard: Here's the cherry on top. Shoots Smaug.

Smaug dies and accidentally performs the only good deed in his life by landing on top of the corrupt guy and squishing him. Because of that he doesn't go to Hell like he wanted to.

Gandalf is muttering to himself, locked in a cage.

Ugly Orc: This is getting on my nerves! Die now!

Galadriel: Pick on someone your own size and preferably smell.

Ugly Orc: Ok, who let the glowing, barefoot lady in here? And how did she walk past the security all alone?

Galadriel: heh heh Who said I'm alone?

Elrond and Saruman step out of the shadows and they look very impressive.

Ugly Orc: Poop. Time to crawl away while the Nazgul deal with this.

Nazgul totally don't deal with this because Saruman and Elrond kick their butt.

Necromancer: Let me interfere.

Galadriel: Go back to your momma. Her appearance changes. She looks like the Necro's mother in law, which freaks him out and he runs away.

Elrond: Not to state the obvious, but lets get him since he's getting away!

Saruman who had completely wussed out during the fight, but no one noticed since they were busy with the scary guys, makes shifty eyes: You two should rest. I'll take care of the glowing guy.

Elrond: So far in every book whenever something goes against my better judgement, it always ends up as a major catastrophe, but if you insist.

Doom and gloom everywhere. The former Laketown doesn't look so good. Not to mention, the dead dragon is going to stink horribly while it rots, so there's no chance of rebuilding there any time soon. The people are trying to scrap together whatever's left to save.

Alfrid: Quick everyone! Save the most important person in the world - me.

A cute little girl kicks him in the shin and people decide to hang him. The audience wouldn't have been too disappointed had that happened; however, Bard stops the execution since he needs to look heroic.

Alfrid: Yay! Can you be the new guy I grovel in front of?

Bard: Yuck. Don't touch me.

Everyone cheers for Bard because he killed the dragon. He gets a bright idea to go to the Lonely Mountain because that place supposedly has the blankets, although, it's known more as the golden trinkets place.

Kili and the others are planning to cast off in a boat to join Thorin.

Legolas to Mary Sue: I know you want to go out with the dwarf you like, but I want to sneak into this very dangerous place and I don't want you with him, so I'm going to be an ass and order you to come with me, while ignoring my father's orders to join his tea party.

Kili: Nice try, but she won't forget me because I gave her a rock. Girls like rocks.

Bard: Right, lets get on with the movie.

A Big Orc is leading an army across some flat plains. It must be a very long trip because the army is complaining.

Orc Army: Are were there yet?

Big Orc: No!

Orc Army: Can we kill yet?

Big Orc: No!

Orc Army: Can we have a quick bathroom stop?

Big Orc: Shut up already! The next one to speak will be chopped into warg sushi.

Scary Orc: I don't suppose this is a good time to tell you that I've let the elves get away. Those wusses have tricked me.

Big Orc: Small wonder. The rocks can trick you.

Thorin and the dwarves are digging through a giant pile of gold, and Thorin is bossing everyone around.

Thorin: My precious! Find it!

It's a pretty big request. Even if Bilbo hadn't gotten to the Arkenstone first, finding a needle in one thousand haystacks would have been easier.

A dwarf: I hate to interrupt the search, but there are hungry and bereft men outside who are hungry and bereft because we've set the dragon loose on their village.

Thorin: Ugh! They should be grateful that we've solved their dragon problem. Quick, build a huge barricade, so those nasty, starving children can't get to our gold!

The lake people are freezing their butts off on a fine, frosty morning.

Bard to the ever useless Alfrid: I don't suppose you've let an army of elves sneak past you when you were asleep on the watch.

Alfrid: Cross my heart, nope!

He totally did. Luckily, The elves come with food rather than an intention to sneak up on them.

Thranduil: Trading broccoli for ancient heirlooms.

He's better off not knowing that Thorin is trying on his dead wife's necklace as they speak.

Moonlight Necklace: Aww gz, I should have been worn by some elven King's pretty wife, nor drooled on by crazy dwarves.

Bard to Thranduil: The paycheque is in the Lonely Mountain. I can take our mutual bills to the dwarves for you.

Thranduil: Pfff! They still owe me for the past millennia, but I'll let you waste your time.

Bard coughs awkwardly: Right. Let's hope they're in a reasonable mood.