"A broken heart will heal. A broken soul will not."

"Kara, I need you to sit down," Alex said gently, determined to tell her sister the truth. There had been so many times that she'd tried to tell Kara the truth or had almost told her, only to be interrupted. The guilt weighed heavily upon her and it felt like it was crushing her, it only made her worry all the more of what Kara's reaction would be...especially given how she'd been treating J'onn (thinking that he was the one who had killed Astra).

Kara's sunny smile dropped suddenly, likely from seeing the look on her face. Alex currently felt like throwing up, but she was determined to get out what she was going to say first. "Alex, what is it?" Kara asked slowly, concern creeping into her voice.

Alex was fidgeting with her hands and had started to pace in the space of a few feet before motioning to the couch. She was doing this at Kara's apartment because she figured it would be easier. That way if Kara hated her, she could just leave...that was what she was really worried about...losing Kara...Kara hating her. "Please...you need to sit for this."

"Alex?"

She didn't argue, Kara instead just sat and Alex hadn't missed the fact that her sister hadn't taken her eyes off of her. Kara was worried, but so was Alex. "There's something I should have told you weeks ago…"

"Okay," Kara said slowly. "So, tell me now."

"You're going to be upset with me. I didn't want to keep this secret from you, Kara," Alex told her. She shook her head, trying to come up with the right words. She was really struggling to keep her emotions in check. Alex kept reminding herself to breathe whenever it felt like her emotions were going to flood. "J'onn didn't want you to think less of me…"

"Less?" Kara questioned, even more confused. "Alex, I could never think less of you."

But she was wrong.

Her sister's words had been full of sincerity, but she didn't know the truth. If Kara knew that Alex had killed Astra, Alex didn't think Kara would say the same things. J'onn had told Alex that she was Supergirl's hero...that she was Kara's hero...and that she shouldn't take that away. The thing was, this was her sister and Alex couldn't keep lying to her. What she'd done, it had been to protect J'onn, to keep Astra from killing him. She just couldn't keep doing this.

Kara had to know the truth.

"J'onn didn't kill Astra," Alex said slowly and gently as she looked into her sister's big blue eyes. Her hands shook as she held the in front of her and her voice nearly broke as the confession spilled out of her. "I did." For a moment, she let it sink in, for both of them. She saw the change in Kara's eyes, confusion was running rampant right now. "It was a heated moment," Alex tried to explain. "We'd just gotten you back from the Black Mercy." She paused, swallowing down the emotion that was still trying to push its way to overwhelm her. "Astra tried to kill J'onn, she was going to...and I did it to save him," Alex explained. "J'onn didn't want you to hate me...not after I'd just gotten you back. That's why he said that he'd killed her."

Kara seemed still confused. "But…"

"I didn't want to keep lying and I kept trying to tell you...and it was either too hard because you'd just gotten to a happy point or something came up like Non appearing here or J'onn told me not to. He was trying to protect you, to protect me, to protect us both. He didn't want this to tear us apart, but I couldn't keep lying about this…"

J'onn had told over the past weeks that Astra's death had been the only choice and Alex had struggled with that. If J'onn hadn't shown up, she thought that perhaps she could have gotten Astra to come back with them, to be on their side. Kara had broken her heart after Astra's death when she'd brought up missing her aunt, how she'd hoped to sway Astra to their side of things if she hadn't been killed first. There was that possibility that hung there, something that would never be answered now. Alex knew that J'onn had been there because he was trying to protect her and that they were all so much more emotionally charged than normal because of having almost losing them both to the Black Mercy and then getting them back (getting Kara back).

"Astra was the only family I had left from Krypton," Kara whispered slowly, seemingly still in shock over the new information.

That's one of the reasons why Alex had beaten herself so much about it. Even though Astra wasn't one of the 'good guys', Alex knew that Kara had feelings for her (even if she wouldn't tell Alex about all of them). No matter what, Astra was still her aunt, and Alex knew that it couldn't be easy for Kara that Astra also looked exactly like Alura.

"How...how could you do this?"

She'd been waiting for that response or something similar, there was understandable anger leaking into Kara's voice now. Alex moved closer and crouched down in front of her sister, she reached out and took Kara's hand as she stared at her. "Kara," she whispered gently. "I didn't want to. Astra was going to kill J'onn-"

"She was my aunt, Alex!" Kara argued as she yanked her hand back. "My family!"

Alex waited and watched her sister, it was heartbreaking and Alex tried to hold it together. Right now, Kara was the one who deserved to break down, not her. Tears filled Kara's bright blue eyes and Alex knew that she should have told her earlier...that she should have pushed the truth out when it had first happened. "Kara, I'm-"

"I don't even want to look at you right now!" Kara shouted as tears erupted in full force.

Alex heard what Kara was saying and what she was feeling was completely expected, but her sister's words still hurt. Slowly, Alex gave her a nod before getting to her feet and taking a step back. "I'm sorry," Alex whispered sincerely. It wasn't enough. It would never be enough. She didn't know what else to say. All she wanted to do was to hug Kara, to comfort her sister, but she knew that that wasn't what Kara wanted or needed.

That just made it worse.

"Please, just go," Kara pleaded through tears. "I just, I can't… I can't believe that you and J'onn lied about this… I can't deal with either of you."

She couldn't argue. Not with that. With any of it. At least Kara was telling her what she needed and wanted, even if what she needed/wanted was killing Alex to comply with. Normally, Alex was the one who hugged her and told her that it was going to be okay, but right now...she was the one who was causing Kara pain.

"Okay," she finally said in a whisper. Alex backed up, still watching her sister. She knew that she didn't deserve it, but Alex hoped for Kara to forgive her...but that, if it happened, would have to come in time. It was breaking her heart to leave her sister like that, it was heart wrenching.

Collecting her things, Alex headed out of Kara's apartment. She made it down the hall and into the stairwell before breaking down. Sliding down the wall at the top of the stairs, she crumpled onto the concrete step and just let the tears pour out of her.

She knew that she couldn't sit there forever, but she just needed to dump the emotions that had bottled up inside of her before heading home. She didn't want to be sobbing and a danger out there driving home. Honestly, Alex didn't know if she wanted to go home...not now. Alex felt like she needed to keep moving, like maybe if she kept moving she wouldn't dwell on the fact that she'd just broken her sister's heart with the truth.

The truth was sometimes a double edged sword.

The night was cold, almost bittingly so. Alex hadn't been prepared for the crisp weather, she was wearing what she'd worn to the DEO, which meant that her jacket was a thin one that was basically a glorified long sleeve shirt. She was suddenly regretting leaving her black leather jacket behind in her vehicle earlier that she'd left parked outside of Kara's apartment building. She moved her fingers, rolling them up into a fist and then straightening them again over and over again, trying to keep them warm as she continued to move. Her feet felt like ice, but she kept walking.

"Alex."

She stopped at her name and looked back to see J'onn standing behind her as Hank Henshaw. Alex hated to look weak in front of him especially, even though she felt like she didn't have to be so strong...not since learning the truth...not since he'd claimed her and Kara as honorary daughters. Right now, she just didn't want to break down again. "It's late."

"It's also cold," he pointed out as he moved towards her. He was dressed in all black, like he'd been when she'd seen him earlier in the day and was dressed in short sleeves. He actually looked like he was more likely to freeze than she was. A beat passed between him and he stopped about a foot away from her. "I got your note...and I assume that you've already talked to your sister."

"She…" Alex started, not looking right at him. It was still hard to think about Kara as she spoke. Her sad, confused, and then devastated face kept hitting Alex. It was hard. Normally, her sister was so happy, bright, and cheery. That was why it was so heartbreaking to see her sister in any other way, especially when Alex was the one who caused the upset. "She...didn't take it well."

"I assumed that when I didn't find you at Kara's...or at your apartment.

"Did you see her?"

J'onn gave a silent nod.

Staring at him, she knew. J'onn had to have seen Kara broken down. "I think I broke her heart."

"Alex-"

"I shouldn't have lied to her for so long! I shouldn't have let you protect me like that!" Alex told him, getting angry.

He was silent for a moment. Alex had learned how to read his emotions and she knew that he felt bad for being a part of this upset. She still understood his motives, but that didn't make it easy. "She will forgive you."

"I don't know that she will."

And she didn't.

It would be easier if Alex knew that Kara would forgive her, but this was Astra. "What if she doesn't?"

"She will," he insisted.

"How can you be so sure?"

"She's your sister."

"But Astra was her aunt...the only family blood related she had left. Her last real connection to Krypton...and I took that away."

"To save me."

Alex's voice broke and tears fell again, she didn't even care in that moment if he saw her cry. "I was starting to get through to Astra before you got there-"

"Do you blame me?"

"No," Alex said quickly, not even thinking about it. "I just...I keep thinking about what happened. I keep thinking that there could have been another way." She paused for a moment, not wanting to say what she was going to say, but knowing that it was something that needed to be discussed. "I just...I don't understand why you were there."

J'onn just stared at her for a moment, almost like he was confused. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that I was getting through to Astra...and then you showed up-"

"I was there to help," J'onn told her. "We had Kyptonians all over National City and I was there to back you up. If I had known that Astra would respond in a way where she'd give up...or even just walk away, don't you think that I would have stayed away? The last thing that I wanted was to be any part of causing you or Kara any pain."

And she knew that.

"You're too protective of me," she accused.

"Maybe."

She looked up at him, almost surprised that he admitted it. "I can take care of myself-"

"Normally, I'd agree with you," J'onn told her gently. "But that night, we were facing Non and his people...and we'd just almost lost both of you." He paused for a moment. "I wasn't about to lose you because you didn't have back up."

What he said made sense and she didn't blame him, but it was just hard to think that she'd lost her relationship with Kara. J'onn touched her shoulder and she just stared at him through her tears. "You didn't see her… This was so much worse than how I saw her right after Astra died," Alex whispered, pain running deep in her voice. "It was like I ran that kryptonite sword through her."

"Let her have time to process," J'onn told her gently and pulled her against his chest, wrapping arms around her. Alex didn't tense or resist and actually found it incredibly comforting. She'd realized suddenly again how cold she was as he warmed her as he held her. J'onn was the only one that she could really talk to about this, that could be there for her like this. It also made her miss her dad so much. She knew that he would hug her and say the right things, he'd also go to Kara and try to talk to her. "Let her grieve again." He was quiet for a long time as he held her. "And then let her come to you...when she's ready. Right now, we just have to respect her wishes."

"That's not going to be as easy as it seems."

"I know."

Silence passed.

"Let me walk you home?" J'onn finally asked.

Alex almost didn't want to let go, but he was right. She didn't even know how long she'd been walking, what time it was. All she knew was that it was late and she was freezing. "Okay," she agreed after a beat passed between them.

They separated and headed silently in the direction of Alex's apartment.

Her phone buzzed.

Alex didn't want to look at it, instead she rolled her head to the side to look at the clock on her nightstand. Groaning, she covered her eyes and wished that she'd seen a much earlier time. She almost felt like she was hung over, by the time on the clock...it certainly seemed like that would have been a reasonable explanation. She'd been exhausted when she'd gotten home, instead of taking a hot shower to warm up, she'd just crawled under a mountain of blankets and waited for her body to warm up so that she could finally sleep. As that time passed, she'd only thought of Astra's death and the devastated look on Kara's face.

Her phone buzzed again.

Reaching out, she grabbed it and turned it over to see that J'onn was texting her. She'd been hoping and yet dreading that it was a text from Kara. Normally, she would have gotten up hours ago. Alex had a fairly normal routine, but not today. Half of the day had been wasted and she didn't even feel fully rested.

Her phone buzzed again.

Sighing, Alex ran her hand over her face. J'onn had texted her again asking if she was okay. The first one had been asking her to come into work early. She really just didn't want to face reality. She knew that going into the DEO wasn't going to help her memories, it was only going to remind her of everything.

The infirmary where they'd tried to remove the Black Mercy from Kara.

The armory which held the kryptonite sword she'd used to kill Astra.

All she wanted to do was to call out sick. To avoid the DEO, J'onn, and Kara...at least today. Didn't she deserve that? On the other hand, she knew that work and keeping busy might also distract her from her thoughts in general.

The phone buzzed again.

Sighing, Alex looked at it. She was fairly sure that J'onn was really concerned about her. It probably didn't help that his phone likely was set to tell him that she'd already received and seen it...and hadn't responded. Taking a moment to breathe, she texted him back that she had overslept and that she'd be in once she got a shower and dressed. Alex didn't even feel like eating. She just wanted to get through the day, so that she could go home and hide under her covers and pretend like the world wasn't all going to crap.

The phone buzzed again.

He was telling her that she didn't need to come in if she needed a day. She did and she didn't. Instead of telling him that, though, Alex just told him that she needed to keep busy and that she'd be in. Setting the phone on her nightstand again, she forced herself out of bed and moved to the shower.

Alex took her time in the scalding hot shower, feeling like she needed the heat from it to actually absorb into her body in order for her to be functional. Even when she was starting to feel more human, she still had to will herself to move from the shower and to eventually get dressed. She wasn't going to eat, she decided. Alex still felt just as nauseous as she had the night before.

Going to collect her phone, she stopped when she noticed that she had a missed call along with a slew of missed messages.

J'onn had texted her four times.

Her mother had called.

Kara had texted.

Sucking in a deep breath, she read J'onn's texts first. It was just stuff to bring her up to speed so she'd know what was going on when she got there. There was a lot of prisoner things that the DEO was apparently doing for the day, maintenance and cleaning. It wasn't exciting, but it was necessary and they'd had too many problems in the past with escapes. Alex wondered if J'onn was planning for her to be kept busy all day, but either way...this was part of her job.

Her mother could wait, at least until she checked the text from Kara.

Preparing herself, Alex sat on the edge of her unmade bed and took a moment before looking down at her phone. She opened Kara's text and tried not to jump to conclusions. Kara had told her that she appreciated that there were no more secrets between them, but that there shouldn't have been in first place...and that she needed space and time.

Kara hated space and time.

So did Alex.

This was going to be so hard. How could she do her job giving Kara space and time? Was National City and the DEO going to be without the help of Supergirl in that period of time? She was going to have to talk to J'onn, though, she doubted that he'd be surprised. Alex supposed that she should just take some solace in the fact that Kara had actually made contact and hadn't just ignored her. So, Alex took a moment and just acknowledged that she'd gotten the text with an 'okay, take all the time you need'. Alex knew that that was the right response, but she hated to think about how long that might take her sister.

Her mother.

Alex couldn't bring herself to call her mother back, not yet. Had she sensed that there was something wrong? Even though Kara adored Eliza Danvers, Alex didn't think that she would have called and told her what had happened. They were trying to keep her mother safe, which meant trying not to involve her whenever it was possible (which so far, wasn't more than letting her know that Alex was part of the DEO now). It just wasn't necessary and they couldn't risk it.

Instead, she just shot off a quick text to her mother telling that she'd call her later, that she was busy at work. It was a lie, but it wouldn't be soon enough. She didn't want her mother to think that something was up and press, mainly just because Alex didn't want to have to actually talk about it (in any way). Sighing, she texted J'onn to let him know that she was leaving her apartment.

The day was starting and Alex just hoped that it swept by quickly.

"I know why you did that."

"Did what?"

Alex stared at him while they walked before she replied. "We'd planned to do the cleaning of the containment cells next week."

"It's not calendared."

She allowed a small smile. It had been a huge distraction and it had kept her busy, making the day pass quickly and without too much dwelling. "Actually, it is."

"Well," J'onn replied with a huff and went quiet.

"Thank you," she said before he could think of something else to say. Alex knew that he had done it all for her benefit. The rest of the team that was working her probably didn't appreciate the surprise cleaning, but Alex had been completely fine with it.

They got to his office and J'onn shut the door before turning to look at her. "Are you going to be okay?"

"Kara wants space...and time...and I have to give that to her right now," Alex told him. It wasn't that that didn't kill her, because it did, it was just that she kept the mantra going. It was like if she kept saying it, then somehow that space and time would go by faster. It hadn't been even an entire twenty-four hours since she'd last seen Kara and it felt like weeks.

Was she happy she told Kara?

Yes.

The truth was killing her and Alex just couldn't hold it all in anymore. The guilt of it. Alex still felt the guilt and she felt horrible for what she'd done...not only to Kara, but to Astra. Maybe if things had gone differently, if they'd gotten Astra on their side...Alex might have even liked Astra. Now that she wasn't busy, all she could do was dwell on what could have been and how much pain she must have caused her sister.

"But are you okay?" J'onn questioned.

"It's not the first time I've taken a life," Alex reminded him as she looked right at him. She crossed her arms, feeling almost uncomfortable. She knew that J'onn was the last one she should feel in any way uncomfortable around for this conversation. He knew her, knew her record, and had trained her. He knew what she was capable of and what she'd had to do in the line of duty. "This time it was different," Alex allowed in a whisper. There was a need to explain to him what she was feeling so that she didn't come off as not being able to handle it. She could, it just didn't make it any easier.

"Because it was Kara's aunt?"

It took her a moment to really sort through what was going through her head and not knowing if J'onn would even understand it. "It's more than that," Alex admitted. "Kara is my family. Astra was Kara's family. So, in a way...that made her my family."

"Alex-"

"I know, I know...that's not entirely true...and then there's the fact that you're my family, too, and that Astra was going to kill you," Alex reminded. She was quiet for a moment and let out a huff. "I didn't say that anything that was going on in my head made one hundred percent sense."

J'onn was quiet and placed a hand on her shoulder. "It makes sense."

"Does it?"

J'onn gave her a stoic nod. "I understand what you're saying. It's not an easy thing. Family. War. Opposite sides. Any of it."

Alex didn't know if that made her feel better, all she knew was that it eased what she was feeling a little. "I should go. I put off calling my mom back after I missed her call this morning."

"Has Kara said anything to her about what happened?"

"I doubt it," Alex admitted with a sigh. "To really get into it, we'd have to fill her in on secrets and Kara wouldn't do that no matter how upset she is. We're trying to keep Mom out of this world, keep her safe."

"If you need me-"

"I know," she said quietly.

"You just don't sound right," her mother said with concern.

Alex was driving home, her mother was on speakerphone. It seemed like the easiest way to call her mother back and that way if she sounded distracted, she could blame it on the sudden need to focus on driving. There were bound to be people who weren't using their blinker or who thought that two inches was enough of a buffer as they got into the lane ahead of her.

"I'm just...concentrating," Alex tried to brush off.

"It's been two weeks since I talked to you or Kara and I just get worried," Eliza said.

A sigh escaped her lips and Alex couldn't help but have the thoughts of Kara's face from the night before haunting her. "Kara's just trying to find where her place is as Supergirl."

"And you?"

"I'm just busy."

"At the DEO?"

Crap.

"Yes," Alex confirmed. "At the DEO."

"Alex, you know you working there worries me."

"I can take care of myself."

"That's what I thought about your father-"

"Mom-"

"I'm sorry, Sweetheart, I know you don't like this topic, but I just worry about you," Eliza told her. "You can't fault me on that."

Alex didn't say anything and just sat at the red light. The truth was, she'd been thinking a lot about her dad. She had been closer to her dad than her mother, so when she'd lost her dad...it had been hard and she'd just wanted to do everything that would make him proud. It was one of the reasons why she'd pushed herself into watching over Kara. It was what had pushed her into the field she'd gone into.

"Alex?"

She realized she'd gone quiet as the light turned green. "I'm here, Mom," Alex said as her foot slipped to the gas and she started across the intersection with the other vehicles on either side of her. "I'm just having a really bad-" Her sentence was cut off by the sudden and jarring impact to the passenger side of her vehicle. It spun and the rest was a blur. There was crashing, crunching, screeching, screaming, pain, and Alex couldn't place any of it as she blinked her eyes to try to bring the world around her into focus.

"Alex?" her mother called out worriedly. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"Mom?" Alex called out, barely a whisper and then let out a cry before the upside down world around her turned black.

"Alex? Alex?! Alexandra, you answer me!"

TBC…