A/N: Guess who's writing again! Here, have a spinoff of The Sister Who Didn't Belong. Actual chapters this time and all! (Yes, I'll update the main fic too. Eventually. Chill.)

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"Uuuuugggghhhhh."

Harry glanced towards the source of the noise. His "sister" lay sprawled across the entire couch, feet dangling over the backrest and the armrest, arms in weird places, and hair touching the ground. Her head was in the lap of their mother, Lily, who had been returned to life a couple of years previously. Said mother was currently narrowing her eyes at her lap.

"If you wanted to avoid the hangover, young lady, then you shouldn't have drunk all that beer this morning."

The "young lady" in question flopped to the floor in response. "Mffle. Please. I haven't gotten a hangover from beer of all things since I was thirteen. I don't have a hangover. I'm bored."

Harry rolled his eyes. His mother and sister had that argument about once a week. Lily would insist his sister's drinking would end in catastrophe. Alexandria would counter that it wouldn't happen ever, cite dark magic, and continue drinking. It drove them both up the wall, if he was being honest. So he'd taken up needling her.

He put his book (Quidditch Through The Ages, Special Edition, thank you very much) down. "Since when did you even get drunk at thirteen, sis? I kind of recall you being too busy with your lips firmly attached to Hermione's bottom to ever find time to have a hangover."

She hissed at him. "Go suck a dick, Potter."

He smiled. "I would, Potter, but I don't want your sloppy seconds."

There was a long, stretched-out pause. A throat was cleared.

Both Potter siblings turned to face their mother. She glared at them both. "Okay. I'm only going to say this only once." She paused, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Please. Never enlighten me about your sex lives again, or I will be forced to share mine."

The twins saluted. "Yes, Mom!"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Oh, don't even start."

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"So, before we got all the way down the rails as usual, what boredom were you complaining about this time?"

Alexandria flopped around. "Bah. Nothing is happening. You and Ginny still haven't hooked up. God knows what Draco is doing. Hermione is all over Ron. Luna fucked off on an adventure and she won't let me find her. There's nobody left to annoy!"

Harry snickered. "Is this the part where you finally admit to just fucking with everyone?"

He got an eyeroll in return. "Harry, please. Ain't no 'finally'. I admitted to fucking with people the night we first met."

Harry paused. "Oh yeah. Right. You did. Where were we?"

Alexandria yawned. "Honestly, I want something interesting to happen again."

The universe heard, and obliged. A bright green, featureless oval appeared in the air. It hung there, shimmering. Waiting.

Harry stared at it. Then he slowly, oh so slowly turned to glare at his sister. "Alex, don't you fucking dare."

His sister didn't seem to listen. Her eyes were shining, and she held her wand tightly.

Harry narrowed his eyes. "Alex, I swear-"

She went from a standing start into an Olympic-perfect dive.

Harry facepalmed. "God fucking damn it why do you always do this- aaand she's gone." There was no sign of her. Nor was there any sign of the portal. Harry pulled out his wand and cast a few diagnostic spells.

He found some unusual traces, which he resolved to show Hermione later, and concluded he had no skill with which to follow her with.

Lily found Harry tromping into the kitchen, fuming. She sighed.

"Oh dear. What did she do this time?"

Harry poured himself a shot of whiskey, downed it, and sat down. "She taunted Murphy and jumped into a portal. I'm getting the feeling we won't be seeing her in a while."

It said something about life in the Potter household that Lily didn't even bat an eye. "Bet you a sickle she'll come back with at least one wife."

Harry stared, aghast. "Mom!" He then smirked. "Now I kinda want to see the woman capable of taming her..."

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Louise Francoise le Blanc de la Vallière coughed and waved the smoke away from her face. Founder damn it, this always happens! Please, please tell me I at least got a familiar out of it this time...

The smoke cleared. In front of her was a shallow crater, and in the middle of the crater was a kneeling figure.

Louise looked closer.

The figure resolved into a woman, clearly older than her, down on one knee. Her left hand was empty, but twitching in some unknown emotion, and her right hand held a wand.

Louise blanched. Had she summoned a noble by accident? Had she committed clear and present heresy? She blinked and the wand was gone. The woman's eyes twinkled.

Professor Colbert cleared his throat. "Miss Vallière? You should bind your familiar now."

The woman tilted her head, lazily quirking an eyebrow. Louise felt her cheeks heat up. "W-with... her?"

Titters could be heard in the crowd. The Professor coughed into his hand. "Yes, as, ah, unorthodox as your familiar is, it is a mandatory process in the binding ritual. If you will?"

Louise inhaled. Then she exhaled. "Yes, Professor." She stepped forwards. The woman regarded her with warm eyes. Louise suddenly found herself short of breath. "P-Pentagon..." She licked her lips. "Pentagon of the Five Elemental Powers, grant your blessings upon this creature and bind it as my familiar." She kissed the woman. On the lips.

Louise forgot to breathe entirely. The feeling of the woman's soft, warm lips against her own... she was idly aware of arms encircling her.

It felt like an eternity later when she came up for air, panting. Her... Familiar... had such beautiful green eyes... No, she corrected herself, green eye. The woman's left eye was milky white, with a thin pale scar running through the eyelids. Yet, unerringly, both eyes were now focusing on her.

"One hell of a kiss, my Lady." Those soft, inviting no focus Louise lips quirked into a carefree grin.

"Y-you...! I-!" stated Louise eloquently. "K-kiss! Soft!," she added.

"You're adorable," was her familiar's familiar she had an actual familiar answer. A hand was brushing her hair away from her face. She felt a blush heating up her cheeks.

There was a throat cleared behind her. "A-ahem. Miss Vallière, y-you have successfully summoned and bound your familiar. F-full marks, a-and remember that tomorrow is a free day! T-to get to know your familiars!" There was the sound of rapidly retreating footsteps. Louise's new familiar smirked.

"Somebody's flustered. Poor man. I can already tell he's gonna be a fun one."

There was this beautiful green eye in her face again. "Anyway, name's Alexandria Potter. My friends call me Alex. And what's your name, you beautiful creature?"

Louise was certain her face was just all red now. Her? Beautiful? She was nothing. Nothing but a big flat zero. "L-Louise. Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Vallière."

Alexandria was cupping her cheek with her hand. "Such a beautiful name, Louise Françoise. Such a lovely lady."

Louise desperately attempted to make the universe make sense again. "D-don't c-call me b-beautiful! I'm not! I'm just the flat little bratty Louise!"

Her familiar withdrew slightly. "Don't tear yourself down, my Lady Louise. You are beautiful. Why else would I call you that?"

Louise glared at her insolent familiar. "T-to mock me! Just like everyone else!"

She was suddenly enveloped into a hug. "Oh, my Lady. I have spent half my life protecting firsties from bullies. I don't mock anyone. You can have my word on that."

The hug felt a little bit like one of Cattleya's. But Cattleya never kissed you like that, a traitorous little voice whispered. She withdrew from the hug. "C-come, familiar. I-it's late."

She took off towards the castle. Oh Founder please don't look at my face I haven't blushed like that in ever...

Light footsteps followed after her.

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By the time they reached her room, Louise's blush had receded somewhat. But she still felt self-conscious. She opened the door. "T-this is my room. S-sorry it's-" she caught sight of the pile of hay she'd readied that morning. "Oh Founder- S-sorry about the hay- I-I expected I'd get an animal companion n-not-"

"Shhhhh."

Louise dared to take a look at her familiar. The woman was looking around in interest. "You have nothing to apologize for, my Lady." She produced oh founder is that a wand from her sleeve. "Let me just..."

The pile of hay shuddered, morphed, and expanded outwards in a rapid fashion. Louise watched in horrified awe as a second, green four-poster bed placed itself next to hers. She swallowed nervously.

"Y-you're a noble?"

Okay, she wasn't expecting a poleaxed look from her familiar. "A what?"

Louise blinked. "A mage. You can do magic. You're a noble?"

She actually got a snort for an answer. "Noble? Mage? Pffft, no. I have zero elemental affinity to be called any sort of mage, and Potters haven't qualified for any sort of nobility for centuries." Her familiar - hadn't she said her name was Alexandria? tapped her chin in contemplation. "I suppose inheriting the Black family bullshit from Sirius maybe counts as a type of nobility, but let's be frank, the only ones who would care wouldn't count that anyway." She shrugged. "So, nope. Not a noble, not a mage. Just a plain ol' Witch. But one hell of a good Witch, at that!"

Louise slumped. "So you're a Zero like me."

"Excuse me?"

Her familiar had her arms crossed. "Who lets you call yourself a Zero, my Lady?"

Louise opened her mouth. Louise closed her mouth. "I- What?"

Alexandria was now pacing in the room, gesturing animatedly. "Who taught you that is was okay to beat yourself down like that? Who would treat a beautiful creature like you with such contempt that they make you feel like you were nothing?"

The woman whirled around, pointing a finger straight at Louise. "You aren't nothing! You are everything! I have known you for only those scant few moments and I can tell that you are something excellent! I believe in you! I believe in you even if you do not believe in yourself! If you can't believe in yourself, believe in the me that believes in YOU!"

Louise vaguely felt as if there were stars in her eyes. "Wow."

Alexandria bowed to a nonexistent audience. "Thank you, thank you, you are very kind." She clapped her hands together. "So! Tonight, we sleep! And tomorrow, we shall make you believe in yourself!"

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