A/N: okay, so just to make everything clear, this is not a vanilla Blank Period story. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, so please, if you don't like it, just leave it. Just read the title - I assure you, this story will be cruel thing. ((Otherwise, please have fun with this!:))

The case of forlorn hope

They might say she was a goddamned coward, but she wasn't ready. She hated the sad looks her mother, Tsunade and Ino, too, sent her way, she hated thinking about it, and above all, she absolutely loathed speaking about it. So she just avoided her issues entirely and escaped into what she did best. Work.

She was working double, sometimes even triple shifts—in the hospital, in the children's clinic, in the laboratory and really, anywhere, maniacally, maybe, just to get a peace of mind. From what?

Just from thinking about him.

Sakura was now only a few months shy of twenty, and she'd had no experiences. No experiences with boys, no experiences with a relationship and all she knew was from those dry textbooks and what Ino babbled about and still, it was way too weird to even think of Sai as a sexual being. And Ino? She was no surprise, she wasn't even bothered by her explicit recitals of her bedroom adventures. The Yamanaka had been a bit perverted ever since they hit puberty face-first and she had her first time lost to a shinobi eight years their senior.

But it made Sakura so angry. Not having any experiences because of the simple fact: she had been waiting. Waiting for something that might not even happen if his lack of communication was any indication at all… And she did all that waiting around just because he had made a promise to her that she'd held close to her heart. And a promise, that felt like a sweet dream, an illusion as the months went by. And a promise she clutched onto desperately, the promise of someday.

So when she was forced to watch her peers beginning to pair off and lead happy lives, she adopted a façade. The jolly, carefree Sakura of the past that hadn't seen war and real gore and was still madly in love. It's okay,—she dutifully repeated and repeated—because she could wait some more. The last five hundred and sixty-nine days were nothing. Neither were her issues and nightmares that had him cast as their main villain.

Then, a drunken Ino suggested going on dates after she told her how very lonely and alone she felt, that she hadn't even heard of her teammate since he had left and hardly slept which was more of the fault of her seeing the chidori go through her ribcage every night (whenever she closed her eyes) than anything else. Besides, that time, utterly sloshed and out of control in that crappy, but undoubtedly fucking cheap bar, it seemed like a good idea, going on dates. Boy, who was she kidding? That moment, it seemed like a glorious idea!

However, soon, she realized, those dates were all but an utter bore to her. She had thought about that that was how Sasuke must have felt when they were twelve and she'd talked his ears off in a desperate attempt to have him fall madly in love with her.

Men were boring. That was a fact.

They chit-chatted, tried to flirt with her with bold lines that honestly repulsed her, they tried to flatter her when it was clear they just wanted to get into her pants… The worst of all was that they thought her dumb. Just because she nodded along politely as if finding their self-centered stories entertaining, and smiled at them prettily, when in reality, all she wanted was to get away from them… But you couldn't really end a date in the first five minutes, could you?

Though, whenever she showed even a bit of annoyance or let her façade drop, those men just abruptly stood up and paid for their meals, date forgotten. She noticed, they were afraid of making her mad. And soon, she realized she had just the perfect weapon against men when they butchered the date in the first ten minutes. All it cost was one displeased frown and they were gone.

She must be intimidating to the male population of Konoha ninja—she speculated as she watched the latest one run without a second look thrown back. There was the fact that she'd been taught by two Hokages... and then, she had teammates that had a chakra demon sealed into him and other one who had been an S-class criminal since he was fifteen. Also, she could break walls with her little finger if she so pleased.

But there still was the problem: she desperately wanted those experiences and a change in her life. So she decided to go, once again, on one of those missions. Seduction missions, changing into the role of a sparrow… an intimidating challenge for an equally as intimidating kunoichi.

Kakashi clearly wanted to talk her out of it, trying to, once again, shield her from all bad and dangerous the world had in stock for everyone. But it was ridiculous, considering she had already had some practice in these type of jobs, but of course she didn't have the heart to tell him that, and only resorted to appreciate his concern for her well-being. She had gone on those missions with the ANBU when she was at the tender age of fifteen, months before Naruto was back in the village.

So when she got around speaking with Tsunade, the older woman just nodded and went back to drinking, no questions asked. She knew her apprentice was capable so she didn't even ask the details of the mission. That was when she became even surer about something she had been mulling over since she was in the ripe age of fifteen: her abilities had been practically groomed for her to be an assassin. Medical ninjutsu was sure useful and, if done right, basically undetectable.

And then, she thought—as she left her shishou to her business in that very same crappy and fucking cheap bar they frequented with Ino—it was only logical. It was not by chance that Tsunade was the kunoichi with the highest kill-count in the village. Maybe, even all across the great nations.

So Sakura started relearning skills that were important for this kind of missions, while she was running herself ragged in the hospital. Skills like make-up—because she needed to cover up pinkish scars along her arms and the small nicks of kunai on her hands. The worst was the byakugou, her proudest mark that also came with the most problems—what with that being a deadly giveaway of her person. And it was only for so long she could do a henge.

And then, she learned to mold her hair in different hairstyles, dye it with the most ridiculous things and she learned how to professionally disguise herself from the scraps of clothing she had on herself and also, a bit of dancing and singing didn't hurt either. Preparing for these kinds of missions was fun, even if the work itself was considered to be fishy at the very best, lowly at the very worst.

She managed the first mission with flying colours—naturally—and she went back for more after that. Her determination wasn't failing even when Kakashi still tried to talk her out of pursuing her new obsession. It was only the perfectionist in her that wanted to delve deeper in the business, bizarrely curious and craving for more. It might have been for the rush of the adrenalin. Or maybe she wanted that change in her life that bad. Or perhaps, she resisted for the sole reason of annoying Kakashi and only accepted mission that involved seduction.

Though, still, she wouldn't have said she enjoyed them.

But these were needed to be done sooner or later anyway, and clan heiresses were definitely not allowed to go on these missions. It was only logical that she was sent to these. Besides, even just the notion of dropping the ever so lovely and angelic Hyuuga Hinata in a situation like that was laughable and even though Tenten would have managed just fine, she would have gone bonkers just by thinking about applying layers upon layers of makeup not juts on her face, but on her body too.

By then, Sakura would say life was getting better. Not the best, and definitely not perfect, but it was a start and she was at the very least entertained. She still spent the majority of her time in the hospital or with the war orphans but sometimes it felt simply good to turn off the world and pamper herself with makeup and luxurious clothing, even just for those few hours while she was fishing for information.

The assassinations, now, those were an entirely different deal.

Most of the time, it was written out for her how to make it happen. Sometimes, when her interference with the victim shouldn't be made obvious, Kakashi just said: make it look like a heart attack. However, most of the times, the clientele had specific instructions, gruesome details written out already, so Sakura was there to dissect a human body, cut of limbs, paint with blood and ruin the expensive, silk clothing that the village had provided for her missions.

Not that she would have worn it after the whole business. Still, it just felt very, very wrong.

Then came the first real shock, tearing up her every-days. Naruto wanted to marry the Hyuuga princess, the ever so lovely and angelic Hinata. And the dumbass just had the eloquence of casually dropping a bomb that big in the middle of their weekly dates at Ichiraku's… Sakura nearly spit out a mouthful of greenery at that exact moment.

Though, it shouldn't have been that big of surprise for her, but really, Naruto being the first one to marry from the Konoha Twelve? It felt strange.

And the realization abruptly hit her how very fast the years were going by and she still was only plain, little Sakura running around the hospital. Without change, a blossoming love, and without a chance, Sakura still had her work, her façade and her terrible, terrible nightmares hand-in-hand with her issues and insecurities, but that was it, really.

Because yes, there was his promise, but two years were entirely too long to only hold onto a single promise of someday, which she, by now, didn't even know if she wanted him to keep at all. And whenever she let herself have the luxury of thinking about him, then always came those terrible, terrible images, with Sasuke's hand buried deep in her ribcage, the chidori shocking her system with its electricity, with his cold smile and deadly, deadly eyes.

Oh, and beside all that, he didn't even bother writing to her. Not even a word of his well-being. Not even a sign of him being alive.

She knew Kakashi got one letter in every two months or so, heck, she had even caught a glimpse of Naruto with his fucking bird holding onto his shoulder!

And she kept receiving nothing in the last two years. She only had the reoccurring nightmares with his cold smirk and deadly, deadly eyes. Sakura would lie if she said it hadn't hurt her. Or made her angry. Or very confused. Or very afraid.

Sakura was at the point where she bottled up entirely too much and hid it not just from the eyes of the public, but even from herself. It resulted in making her snappier than usual and unnecessarily meaner to anyone in her vicinity.

She thrived in ignoring how messed up she really was over a boy—well, a man by now, probably. Sakura tried compartmentalizing, craving to finally understand herself, his actions and character from the limited knowledge she had on her hands. Understand what to do, what to feel and how to greet him when he finally found his way back in the village.

So three days later, after mulling it over again and again, and only for it to result in an even bigger turmoil than before, she trudged back to her parents' house, seeking advice and any form of support they could offer for their troubled daughter. Spent from the chakra usage, tortured by her thoughts, and still in her medical clothes, she let herself in her former home.

It took some beating around the bush and a half a mug of tea when she finally managed to blurt it out: "Naruto is marrying."

Mebuki just nodded and said: "Oh."

Her mother had clearly heard the talk of the town way before her daughter's visit, but she didn't interrupt her while she was trying to open up. Sakura was sure that Mebuki hadn't an idea why she was so shaken by the simple news of her best friend marrying. So her mother just continued with watching her with the eyes of a worried mother that to Sakura, felt like a penetrating gaze of a hawk.

"I'm glad," Sakura added like an afterthought, with a gentle smile, finding her mother's lacy tablecloth to be overly fascinating and hiding her hands in her oversized lab coat, "he's grown so much. I'm proud of him and the life he now leads. It really is… different."

They both heard her father leave the house with a jolly cry and suddenly, her mother let a carnivorous smile curl up her painted lips as she leaned forward, "And what are you really here for?" Her eyes roamed over her daughter's unnaturally blank expression, latching onto the forced smile that was surely taught to all shinobi within the first year of the academy. "You can talk. Your father is out of earshot now."

And those were the words that broke her carefully constructed façade.

"I think I should let him go," Sakura confessed out of the blue, her lips trembling and voice choking up, hitching up an entire octave by her last word.

Just like that time, so many years ago, when she confessed her love for the lost boy from the cursed clan to her mother. She once again looked small and vulnerable, nothing like the bull-headed, confident woman she had grown up to be.

Sakura turned away, ashamed at the way how that simple sentence seemed break her, all while hugging herself with her arms to get a sense of protection from the judging look her mother was unintentionally shooting her way.

"The Uchiha?" Mebuki asked, even though she already knew the answer.

Sakura nodded, because, really, who else would have been it? It was painful to admit it how hard she was taking his absence. Or him, in general. She had been in love with him since they were what? Twelve? Six? Four? Either way, it was far too long to survive on a single promise of someday and daily nightmares. Even if she held both close to her patched-up, fragile heart.

When it was clear that Sakura had nothing else to say, Mebuki took a different approach to unravelling her daughter's labile emotions. She was sure, if Sakura continued to go on like this, anxious and unable to rationalize her own feelings, she would soon break. And this time, it might not only be her heart.

So Mebuki told her daughter the only thing she had in mind: "Maybe, take time to get to know other people. Dates could do wonders with you, Sakura," she suggested gently with love shining in her eyes.

To that, as if Sakura had forgotten how uncomfortable she was in front of her mother's judging eyes, she scowled, hardly able not to shot her advice immediately down. Ino had said the exact same thing and look at her now! Nothing was good, just getting better. And it had nothing to do with dating. It was because of work.

"I've been on twenty-three dates in the last two months. With twenty-three different men," it was bitter on her tongue and she failed to notice the curious smile his mother was sporting.

Sakura failed to blame herself for her dedicated, patched-up and very fragile heart (that he held in his hand whenever she closed her eyes) and her unabashedly high standards, because in the shadow of Uchiha Sasuke—even if he was far, far away and decidedly uninterested in her—no one seemed to fit the bill for her. No one else managed to occupy her thoughts as well as Sasuke did.

"And?" Mebuki prodded further, hardly able to conceal her mirth at her stubborn daughter. Of course Sakura still reserved the right to be as choosey over the men as she was over her shinobi equipments.

"They are boring, annoying and single-minded," Sakura declared with the defiance of an all-knowing sage, nose upturned and her voice just a slightly bit on the shrilly side.

She was too deeply in love for her to see clearly, to find new values in the men that bombarded her with date-requests, men that were unable to make her take a double-take, the same men that couldn't even get close to her heart, not the way Sasuke could.

"They're men," Mebuki pointed out helpfully with a smile that was a clear indication of her amusement. "But I think you should ponder on something a bit more if that's the case," at that, Sakura arrogantly cocked a pink eyebrow at her mother, her interest piqued for the first time, "Have you fallen out of love yet?"

That effectively shut Sakura up for the rest of the day.

Because she did know she hadn't. And for the first time in the last two years, it kept on bothering her more and more during the next week. Loving Sasuke was decidedly second-nature to her, even when she was afraid of him, his cold smirk and deadly, deadly eyes. And she still didn't know why her heart still burned for him and only for him. Because, by now, it shouldn't have!

The love in her heart should have extinguished the moment he had raised a kunai on her. That was the why, when back, during the war, it had been so easy to fall under his genjutsu. It was easy for her to believe he had wanted to kill her, because he had attempted to do so many times before (and so many times now). It was easy.

And this realization left her just more confused, her brain filled up to the brim with questions he never bothered to answer, though granted, the same questions she was too scared to ask and to which, she feared his responses. She suspected that what he had to say for those would not be to her liking.

Her patched-up, fragile heart would have been put through an intense trauma should that conversation ever to occur. So Sakura aimed for it to never, ever occur.

Three weeks later, still too engrossed and bothered by her own thoughts, she found herself functioning on auto-pilot, going on more of those missions, going to the hospital to work her unforgiving shifts and going to that crappy and fucking cheap bar to get shitless drunk with Ino in every two weeks and going to her parents on Sunday brunches and organizing board game parties with Sai, Naruto and Kakashi to jolly throw some figurines at their faces when they cheat, doing all these repeatedly and regularly and it felt good to Sakura.

Only during those night offs did she feel the best in her own skin, mostly due to the euphoria of being together, behaving like a proper family even if one member of said family was missing.

Besides, it felt good to finally win at something and occasionally outsmart the others. The rules were easy: it was a win, if you could cheat undetected, which was no small feat with two Kage-level shinobi and an ANBU in the same room, but she loved challenges and she loved succeeding even more. So far, Sakura had won four times out of eleven.

This time, she managed to keep herself above water and hold onto her façade, pretending to be the same jolly Sakura that didn't have blood seeped into her hands and death in her eyes (and a chidori in her heart).

It was on Naruto's wedding when it was the hardest, the beautiful spring day in the middle of April that seemed perfect in every possible way. The sun shone, there was a comfortable breeze and Sakura was still only able to smile forced smiles at her peers.

She could easily see the blurred lines of friendship and being more slowly disappear between the soon-to-be couples. Hands in hands, intimate looks and standing only a breath away from each other… Once you have picked up the first little sign, the unmistakable little gleam in their eyes, the others were practically impossible to miss.

And she had no one to make moon-eyes at or beam at or kiss in greeting or just generally do something romantic with. Even Kakashi had a partner what with his nose buried deep in his cursed book and chuckling to himself, while Naruto walked down the aisle hand-in-hand with the ever so lovely and angelic Hinata. They looked perfe—

Sakura nearly jumped when his fucking bird landed on her shoulder. Just out of the blue, claws were embedded in her shoulder and she got to face with a hawk that had at least the decency to not scream bloody murder in her face while the ceremony was starting.

The animal was much like his owner in mannerism—unpredictable and abrupt, as the bird showed one of his clawed legs into her face with a message tied to it, mutely urging her to take it.

And out of spite, Sakura was half-tempted to just immediately shoo it away. But her curiosity overpowered her pride and she reached out for the letter on the bird's leg while somehow managing to pet the animal. The poor thing had got nothing to do with her personal issues concerning his owner, Sakura decided.

But before her rising hopes could even get a tiny bit into her head and trick her brain, those very same hopes abruptly got squashed as she realized with her shaking hands and trembling lips that the letter was meant for Naruto. Most probably containing a simple congratulations, but without excuses why he couldn't be here. Uchiha Sasuke wasn't one who would tell anyone his reasons, or his private matters what he had got going on, out in the great wide open.

So after the ceremony on this lovely day, Sakura passed the blond the letter, promptly shooed away the bird that must have found her shoulder way too comfortable as he perched on, unwilling to move away, and she left the wedding few hours earlier that originally intended.

The sole reason of that, being her pager, that insistently chirped, letting her know of an emergency case in the hospital.

She didn't go back to the party—bloodied and spent, exhausted after a three hour long surgery that drained her and resulted in her numbly blinking up at the white walls of her office, thinking and thinking, and unwilling to believe that he still held her patched-up, fragile heart in his hand.