Route Start: Social Engineering

Kazuma Sato had a problem. Well, actually, he had three problems. He'd finally begun his Adventuring Career and even achieved some success, but his party was a mess. He had a perverted masochist of a crusader, a chunibyo lunatic mage, and a useless goddess. But what could he do? He was only qualified to be an Adventurer, and it wasn't like he had a way to solve all his party's issues on his own.

Or did he?

It was time for a sit down and had a long, hard think. Eventually, Kazuma came up with what he thought was a workable solution. The only problem was, it would absolutely cement him as Pervzuma for the rest of his life. On the other hand, it would likely also ensure he had a life to begin with. Plus, it might even actually open up one of the girls' routes. He set to work.

First things first, he needed some supplies. He headed into town, leaving the others in the mansion and walking down to Wiz's item shop. There was no way this would work if the girls knew what he had planned.

"Oh, hello Kazuma! Here to buy, or browse? Could I interest you in some new products I have?" Wiz called, smiling and waving as Kazuma approached the counter. "I just ordered these special glow in the dark toothbrushes! Perfect for when you're adventuring in a dark cave, but still need to brush your teeth!"

"No thanks, Wiz," Kazuma said. He looked around, ensuring that the item shop was empty. He lowered his voice anyway, leaning over the counter towards Wiz. "Look, I need some...special items. I'm willing to pay a premium for them. If you can get them for me, I'll even buy one of those weird toothbrushes. But you have to, and this is very important, tell absolutely no one that you sold this stuff to me."

Wiz looked uncertain, but lowered her voice and leaned close to Kazuma. "Um, it's not anything illegal, is it? I don't want to start selling things that could get me in trouble with the law…"

"Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just...look. This is what I need." He reached into his pocket and carefully withdrew the folded paper, smoothing it out on the counter. "Can you get it? Remember, no questions, and tell no one."

Carefully, Wiz took the list, her eyes growing wide as she read. The further she got, the more her cheeks flushed. Finally she looked up, wariness filling her eyes "What...what are you going to do with these, Kazuma? You're not going to do something crazy, are you? Some of these items...well, they're not illegal, but…"

"They're for a good cause, Wiz. If you can do it, there's a massive reward for you. You'll have enough money to buy all the glow in the dark tooth brushes and reusable toilet paper you want. And this will seriously help me out. I'll owe you one."

"I don't know…"

"I'll even convince the girls to come in and each buy a toothbrush too. Plus, if this works, we'll be a successful party. I'll make sure we always patronize your shop."

That seemed to win Wiz over. "Well, OK. And don't worry. I won't tell anyone I'm getting these for you. And I really don't want to know what you're going to do with them…"

A week later, Wiz called Kazuma to the shop to pick up his order. He went after dark, sneaking up to her shop, where she passed him a large crate out the back door.

"Oof, this is heavy," Kazuma grunted. "But I'll manage. Here's your money, Wiz. Thanks, you're a lifesaver. Literally, probably."

"Don't mention it," Wiz whispered. "Seriously. Don't tell anyone where you got this. If Vanir were to find out…"

"Who's Vanir? Never mind. I'm out of here."

Kazuma snuck back to the mansion, using his Lurk skill to dodge around anyone along the way. He let himself in through a back door, and tiptoed back to his room. He set the box down on his bed, and opened it, ensuring everything was there. Perfect. On to Phase 2.

The next morning, Kazuma decided to start off with what he hoped was the simplest one first. He found Aqua lounging on the couch, munching away on some snacks, which was her usual passtime when they weren't questing.

"Hey, Aqua, I got a deal for you," Kazuma said, pulling up a chair.

"What? I swear Kazuma, you're the most useless NEET I've ever seen," Aqua complained, her mouth still full of food. "Is this a way to get out of all this debt we have?"

"It might be," Kazuma agreed. "Or at least, a way for you to get out of debt. You see, I've come up with an idea. Every time you do something useful, I'm going to give you a reward."

Aqua wrinkled her nose. "What are you talking about? I'm super useful! I'm a goddess! You should be grateful for all my wonderful assistance, you'd be lost without me! It was me that banished all those ghosts and got us this mansion!"

The only problem with that line of logic was that Aqua had been the one to cause the ghost problem in the first place. But this wasn't the time for that. Kazuma had some social engineering to do.

"Do you like stickers?" Kazuma asked, pulling out two of the items that Wiz had procured for him.

"What?! That's a stupid question! I'm not a child, I'm a goddess! Stickers are-"

"You see," Kazuma said, talking over Aqua's tirade. "Every time you do something useful, I'll give you one for your sticker book. Here, I got it special for you."

"I don't want a sticker book!" Aqua protested. "Those are-ooo, hey, these are all pictures of me! But they're all black and white, and I look so sad in all of them...and what's with the bottle of bubbly at the bottom of each page?"

"Here, since you're my best friend, I'll give you a sticker for free," Kazuma said, and took one sticker off of the page he had, carefully pasting it into the book.

"Hey, I like this one! Now I look all happy, and it says '#1 Goddess' on it! What do the others say, you have to show me, Kazuma!" Aqua demanded, now looking eager and excited, reaching up and grabbing for the stickers.

"You'll have to earn them to find out," Kazuma told her, leaning back and putting the stickers away again. "Plus, as an extra bonus, I have several bottles of your favorite liquor hidden away. When you finish a page, I'll give you one, and you can have it all to yourself."

Aqua considered this. " You mean it? Well, those stickers had better be pretty cool! I want lots of stickers, with more things that talk about how awesome I am!"

"You'll get them," Kazuma promised. "When you finish the book, I have a special Aqua Coloring Book with crayons, just for you. Plus, I'll even give you a medal. You can wear it, or put it on your wall, and everyone will know you're the worlds best goddess. Even better than Eris."

"Well, ok. But what counts as something useful?" Aqua asked, looking suspicious.

"I'm glad you asked," Kazuma said, giving Aqua a big smile Remember: Positive reinforcement. "For starters, helping on quests counts as being useful. Every time you heal one of us or give us a useful buff or use another spell right, you earn a sticker after the quest is over. But if you laugh at me or cause problems, you'll lose out on a sticker. You won't ever lose the stickers you already have, so if you keep trying, eventually you'll get all the stickers. Do well enough, and I'll get you another special sticker book."

"Hmm. This seems like a trick, but...I really want those stickers. And the bubbly and my coloring book. Especially that medal! Eris will be so jealous. Ok, you've got yourself a deal, Kazuma!"

"Great. Now help me convince Megumin and Darkness to go do this quest. It should be pretty easy, it's just clearing out a nest of kobolds, but the pay is pretty good and I need the cash. I just spent a bunch of money for your stickers and some...other stuff."

That made Aqua look irritated. "What? Kobolds are boring I don't-" Kazuma held up a sticker that showed a cheering Aqua with the caption 'World's Most Beautiful Goddess' on it. Aqua leapt up, running through the mansion and shouting excitedly,"Darkness! Megumin! We're going on a quest! Come on, it'll be great!"

Hours later, Kazuma carefully peeled off three stickers, handing them over to Aqua, who eagerly pasted them into her book as he explained her score. The social engineering books he'd read were very clear that positive reinforcement worked best when the subject knew why they were being rewarded.

"You did a good job, Aqua. I really liked how you made sure to heal Darkness when the kobolds attacked, and I greatly appreciated the extra healing coming my way, too. You also were very useful when you provided that light for us so we could see in the cave. And you made sure to give all of us plenty of buffs before the battle. However, it really wasn't helpful when you kept wandering off to explore random sections of the dungeon, and you almost got eaten by that mimic. You could have gotten five stickers, but you do get three. Keep up the good work, you're an amazing goddess!"

"Check it out, guys!" Aqua laughed, hurrying over to Darkness and Megumin and proudly holding up the page."Kazuma gave me three stickers for how amazing I am! Did you hear him tell me how wonderful I was? I think I'm the most useful party member for sure!"

"Um, that's nice, Aqua," Darkness said, frowning at the sticker book, then giving Kazuma a puzzled sideways glance.

"Why do you care so much about the stickers?" Megumin asked bluntly. "Can't you see he's manipulating you?"

"What? No he's not! He's just telling me how amazing I am! See, if I get 10 stickers, I get a bottle of bubbly! And if I can fill up the whole book, I'm going to get a medal! He showed it to me, it's really shiny, and it says 'Best Healer' on it! I bet if I finish multiple books, he'll even give me more! Come on, Kazuma, let's get back and find more quests!"

"Why? I didn't even get to use my Explosion magic for this one," Megumin complained. "Why did I even come? You can go on the next quest without me."

"I thought about that," Kazuma said, pulling out another quest card. "There's a wild ogre den nearby. If you blow it up, you should get lots of XP."

"Really!? Well let's hurry over there! I can already feel my new level, and it will make my Explosion even more powerful!" Megumin declared.

It wasn't far to the ogre den, and Megumin happily blew it up after another ridiculous chant.

"Great work. Just don't spend your points yet," Kazuma told Megumin as he set her on Darkness' back. "I've got a special plan for them."

"Ha! My points always go into Explosion magic! But I shall wait, if only so that it may be more dramatic when I level up my spell again!" Megumin bragged.

"That works. Come on, Darkness. Let's head back. These two quests were pretty good. We keep this up, we might even get out of debt!"

"I don't know, this quest wasn't very exciting," Darkness sighed as she began to trudge back to town. "The kobolds do not hit me hard enough to be worth my time, and while ogres would have been fun, Megumin killed them all before they could drag me away and brutalize me for hours, using my as their personal punching bag!"

"I'll make it worth your time," Kazuma promised. "Just don't spend any skill points you got. I've got something special planned for you if you hold off just a little while."

Darkness frowned, glancing at Aqua, who was still admiring her stickers. "I do not think a sticker book will satisfy me, Kazuma."

"Stickers are lame," Megumin agreed.

"I know," Kazuma sighed. "But don't worry. I have something just for the two of you."

"Hmph. It had better involve Explosion," Megumin muttered.

When they arrived back at the mansion, Kazuma had Darkness put Megumin to bed. He made sure to filch her Adventure's card while they were at it, so the little chuni mage wouldn't waste all her points again.

"Very well, Kazuma," Darkness said when they were in the hall. "What is it you offer? I do not need new armor, or a new sword, and I am not going to be bought off with mere trinkets."

"It's special. Just go to your room, and take your armor off. I'll show you there," Kazuma told her.

"You cad! I will not allow you to violate me in such a manner!" Darkness protested, but she blushed as she said it. "Did you take some sort of horrible skill, that will put me at your mercy, one where I could struggle all I wish, but you would still force yourself upon me!? I did not think you were so brutal, Kazuma!"

"No, no, nothing like that. We're going to be following the rules. You can say no if you want. But I think you'll be interested," Kazuma said.

Darkness scowled, but shrugged. "Very well. But if it is not to my taste, I am putting more points in HP. Aqua was too quick to heal me this time! Next time, she needs to let the monsters beat on me a little more!"

"Trust me, Aqua won't be involved in this. Ever. Just go to your room."

Darkness left, and Kazuma went back to the box he'd hidden in his closet. Carefully, he removed several items, wrapping them in a cloth. He really didn't need Aqua seeing this. Then, he activated his Lurk skill, and snuck down to Darkness' room. He carefully opened the door, and found her sitting in her black body suit on her bed, looking pent up and eager as usual.

"Ok," Kazuma said, dropping his stealth as he closed the door behind him. "I want to make this clear: You can back out of this at any time. If you say no, I'll end this and leave, though if you can think of something else you'd like better, let me know. I'm willing to give it a shot if it will make you a better tank."

"I am already by far the most durable member of this party," Darkness said, frowning suspiciously at Kazuma's bundle. "You are not about to try something perverted, are you? I must inform you, Kazuma, if this is an attempt to steal my panties or some such, I will make you pay for it."

"Oh no, like I said, you have to be onboard for this." Kazuma carefully lay the package on the ground, and unrolled it, revealing the contents.

When she saw what was inside, Darkness let out a gasp. "Kazuma?! Just what is this?! I, I am not that sort of girl! I mean, I really don't-"

"Oh, I think you are," Kazuma said, picking up a large, flat wooden stick meant for beating laundry. "Here's the deal. I got you some toys. If you do what I ask, I'll play with you. And what I want is really, really simple."

Darkness eyed the stick in Kazuma's hands, her eyes dancing. "Oh? Will you do unspeakable things to me against my will?!"

"No, definitely not." Darkness expression fell, so Kazuma continued. "We're going to keep this safe, sane, and most importantly, consensual. Before we even start, you have to pick a safe word. If you ever say that during our little playtimes, I'll stop immediately. We're never going to try anything that could actually hurt you. Though considering that it's you, that's a pretty extreme threshold anyway. So just so we're clear: you're in charge here."

"No!" Darkness protested, panting heavily now as she leaned toward the array of objects Kazuma had brought that. "That's not what I want at all! I want someone to brutalize me, to be their plaything, to force me to do-"

"Yeah, no, we're not going there," Kazuma said. He took out a pamphlet titled BDSM and You: A Healthy Relationship and handed it to Darkness, then put the stick back and began to pack the things away. "Read over that. If you agree, sign the back and bring it to me. You also will need to take the 2-Handed Sword skill to start with. I know you don't want to take any offensive skills, but-"

"Kazuma, Kazuma!" Darkness cried, thrusting the pamphlet and her Adventurer's card in his face before he could even finish putting things away.

"That's my name," Kazuma agreed. He took the pamphlet, the ink from Darkness' signature still wet, and examined her Adventurer's card. He smiled. She'd put just enough points for the basic 2-Handed Sword Skill into it, though she had a couple left over. He stood up slowly, sighing. "So, you understand what you read in the pamphlet?"

"Yes! The safe word is 'Lalatina,' for there is no word I am less likely to ever utter!" Darkness said, now bent over her bed and looking positively ecstatic. Her voice grew husky, and she purred, "Now, I think I've been a very bad girl, don't you?"

"Oh, you've been very bad," Kazuma agreed, picking up the paddle and smacking his hand experimentally a few times. He wondered if his 1-Handed Sword skill would help him with this. "And I think it's time for your punishment."

As it turned out, after about 15 minutes, Kazuma got tired out, to Darkness' disappointment. If this was going to continue, Kazuma realized he'd probably have to put a few points into Endurance and maybe some more into 1-Handed Weapons (Improvised). Or maybe he'd just get one of the succubi to do this. He didn't mention that though.

"I think that's enough for right now," Kazuma said, taking the bundle and putting it in Darkness' wardrobe. He DEFINITELY didn't want it in his room. He removed a notebook from it, writing in it as he walked back to Darkness.

"No! We have barely just begun! I need more!" Darkness pleaded, her face sweaty and her hair rumpled. For once, she looked halfway satisfied.

"You'll get more, don't worry," Kazuma promised. "For now, this is just a simple reward. Every time you do good on a quest, you'll earn points. I've written down on this paper what different activities cost. Right now, the only activity you've unlocked is Spankings. I've written down a list of skills I want you to take, and what activities you'll unlock if you do so."

He handed the notebook to Darkness, who quickly read it over. "What!? I have to take Advanced 2-Handed Swords to earn the blindfold!? And for the chains, I have to learn Charge?! That will take dozens of points!"

"Well then, you'd best save them up, and make sure to do lots of quests. Even if the enemies are pathetic and can't hurt you, remember, you'll be earning playtime points. I've given you ten bonus points for today, which is good for an hour long spanking session later. Right now, I'm worn out."

Eagerly, Darkness nodded, clutching the notebook to her ample chest. "I will do so, Kadzuma! Oh, truly, you are a wicked, wicked man!"

"Just don't go spreading this around, you hear? And no calling me Kadzuma! Think of something else. It's -50 points if you call me that in public, -10 in here!. And -100 points if you tell anyone what we're doing together, understand? Especially not Megumin and Aqua."

"I shall comply! Um, Master. It's worth a bonus point if I call you that, right!?"

Kazuma considered that. Then he shrugged. "Sure. But only when we're alone. You can give yourself one point. Don't try to add extras, I'll keep a copy of that notebook too, and check frequently to make sure things add up. Good night, Darkness."

After that, Kazuma sighed and went back to his own room. He had his own needs to take care of. He wasn't really into this sort of thing, but well, Darkness obviously was. Her reactions had been...interesting. Still, he stuck to his special sock. He didn't want to get too deep into this. Eyes on the prize, after all.

The next day, Kazuma found Megumin eating breakfast alone. He sat down across from her, a wrapped bundle next to him.

"What is that?" Megumin demanded. "Do you think to bribe me with silly trinkets like Aqua, or with your perverted antics like Darkness? Do not think I don't know what the two of you were up to last night, you disgusting pervert! If you try that with me, I'm leaving this party, after I blow this mansion up!"

"No, no, nothing like that," Kazuma promised. "You know, I've seen you and Yunyun competing to see who has the coolest poses. How would you like it if you not only beat her, but were able to prove to the rest of your little group that you were hands down the most chunibyo Crimson Demon of all time?"

That got Megumin's attention, and she frowned at him. "Who told you the importance of posing in the Crimson Demon clan? I shall have you know, I was already famed for my posing skills! I consistently earned a top score in my class, and earned many skill points! Also, while I do not know what this 'chunibyo' is, you have intrigued me, and earned a respite from my dark powers. For now…"

"Great. Chunibyo is, in my homeland, a way of life for some. Similar to how it is for you Crimson Demons, I think. I was, in fact, something of a chuni myself when I was younger," Kazuma said, removing several things from the sack. He was actually sort of impressed Wiz had managed to find them, and they'd been expensive. If this paid off though, it would be well worth it. "To be chunibyo is to be obsessed with creating the er, 'coolest' self image you can. I was an expert."

"Pff. It is impossible that foreigners and outsiders could ever compete with the Crimson Demon clan in our skill at posing and our amazing spells and chants! We spend years studying how to pull off the most amazing and cool things, so that our power shall be unleashed on the battlefield!" Megumin bragged.

"True, true. But...have you ever heard of theme songs? What about team poses?"

"Theme songs?" Megumin asked, scowling. "I do not understand."

"Well. Then let me show you." Taking a deep breath, Kazuma stood. He reached deep within himself, pulling out a part of him he'd locked away and hidden in shame, never to be retrieved again. But he needed that now. He opened his eyes, and pressed the play button on the music player Wiz had dug up.

"Assemble! Adventuring Elite Forces, Konosuba!" Kazuma cried, striking a pose remembered fondly, that of Recoome from the Ginyu Force. Then he began to sing to the tune of Sanjou! Ginyu Tokusentai!

"My name is Kazuma,

I'm the party Adventurer

I've got the most skills! (Konosuba!)

I'll steal the girls panties

with my ultra Stealing Technique!"

"Yes we are! We've just got here!

The most elite Adventuring Squad!

We'll save the day every time!

We're the Adventuring Elite Forces!

We'll show you our special fighting pose!

Konosuba! Yeah!"

Slowly, Kazuma unfolded from his pose, then stopped the music. If he'd been performing for any other audience, Kazuma would have expected sniggers, or perhaps an eye roll. Megumin looked as though she'd just had a religious experience, her face flushed, her eyes gleaming, fists clenched, her mouth open slightly in sheer amazement. Time to really set the bait.

"Now, what I was thinking was, each of us in the party needs our own special intro. I've got poses planned for Darkness and Aqua, and I'll help you come up with your own. Each of us should have our own verse in the song, and we'll sing together on the chorus. I think you and I can brainstorm a few more verses. What do you think?"

Megumin swallowed. "That...if I returned to the Crimson Demon Village, with a group of Adventurers who had such amazing poses and a song to go with it…"

Megumin's eyes began to glow, and she stood, spreading her arms wide, a manic grin on her face. "I would be declared as the foremost genius of the Crimson Demon Clan! No, I would be lauded as the greatest Crimson Demon of all time! I would usher in a new cultural renaissance for my people! Children would learn of my incredible poses and be taught Theme Songs just like mine in school for the rest of eternity! Kazuma, we HAVE to do this!"

"I'm glad you like it," Kazmua said. He took out Megumin's adventurer card and slid it across the table to her. "I notice you've been saving up points. You have just enough for Intermediate Magic. You take it, and agree to use it, I'll give you the music, and get the others to sing and pose with us."

Hands trembling, Megumin slowly picked up her card, her expression conflicted. "B-but, Explosion Magic...it's my only true love! If I cannot use it, I am not even worthy of the title of Mistress of Explosions!"

"I didn't say you couldn't use Explosion Magic. In fact, I'm counting on you to use it when we inevitably fight another boss like Beldia. But think about yesterday: It would have been really useful if you could have used some simple Intermediate Magic against the kobolds. You'd still have gotten to Explode the ogre den, but you wouldn't have had to just sit in the back and twiddle your thumbs underground. Plus, think of all the extra XP you would have gotten."

"I don't know," Megumin said, still hesitating. "To give up my sole focus on Explosion Magic…"

He needed more. Kazuma reached into the bag, and pulled out the last four items. "Did I mention we'd each be wearing special matching sunglasses while we do the poses and Adventure?" They were all shaped like Kamina's glasses from Gurren Lagann, and tinted in green, red, yellow, and blue to match each of them, with special yellow frames.

"Behold! I am now a mistress of both Explosion and Intermediate Magic!" Megumin declared, stabbing her finger down on her Adventurer's card. "Now, give me those glasses! Alright, now, put that music back on, and show me what you think my theme song should be! Then we have to practice our poses together! Ha! Yunyun is going to be so jealous!"

Kazuma smiled, and together with Megumin began to descend back into the depths of chunibyoism. But it was for a good cause.

Over the next few weeks, Kazuma's party's success rate skyrocketed. After a lot of hard work, he even cleared his debt, and considered taking some time off. Even better, Kazuma found himself entering into his popular phase with the girls. The only real question was, just which route was he going to take?

Authors note:

So yeah. That happened. Anyway, if you're interested, leave a review saying which route you think Kazuma should end up on. If there's enough responses, maybe I'll do more than one, who knows.

Voting is now closed, you horny bastards. Be careful what you wish for.

The Eternal NEET (Sock ending)

Do girlfriends get stickers too? (Aqua Ending)

Safe and consensual, but sane? (Darkness Ending)

Love is an EXPLOSION! (Megumin Ending)

Pervezuma (Harem Ending)