A/N: I hope this doesn't offend anyone. Actually, scratch that. I hope it does. It would crack me up. I own none of the HP characters, for they belong to the great, the wonderful JKR. The ideas are from fics, or fic summaries I have read, and from some of my buddies on And I do the impossible (for me, at least). I write a parody where everyone is somewhat in character.

How To Write a Fan Fiction by The Characters of Harry Potter

Hello there. Welcome to How To Write a Fan Fiction. In this tutorial, the cast of Harry Potter will tell you all the secrets to writing a Harry Potter Fan Fiction, AND they will write an exclusive fan fiction of their own, based on their instructions. First we have HARRY POTTER. Take it away, Scarhead...

When you write a fan fiction, the first thing you have to do is write a creatively annoying author's note at the top of your page. It must include a disclaimer. After all, I, Harry Potter, and the rest of the Hogwarts cast of characters do not belong to you. Now, you may be thinking right now, don't you have to have an actual idea for a story before you start writing? Of COURSE not. When you go to write a fan fiction it must include two basic elements. Ron will tell us about the two basic elements to a fan fiction...

--Thanks Harry. Now, if you're writing one of these things--I can't see why anyone would want to spend extra time writing...I practically killed myself with that Transfiguration essay the other day--like Harry said, there are two things you need. One, you have to be literate. Or at least semi-literate. You don't have to have a REAL grasp on grammar, punctuation, or spelling. In fact, as long as you know many internet acronyms you will probably be fine. It's the same thing, isn't it? ("Sure," says Harry.) The other thing you have to have is internet access in order to post your fic. With this, you already have your basic fan fiction. A plot-less barely readable piece of garbage, but a fan fiction none the less...

--Now Ron, don't be too critical. After all, I'm sure these people worked...er...very hard. Ron has told you the basic elements for a fan fiction, but now I, Hermione Granger, will tell you the first element of a different kind of fan fiction...a Harry Potter fan fiction. Now, the first thing you need is a very absurd pairing that would never be found anywhere in the books, such as "Hagrid/Flitwick" or "Draco/Me" (Ron and Harry clutch their throats and make gagging noises) I know it's disgusting, but it must be done. This is the first element. Your characters must also have certain character quirks. Ron must say "bloody hell" every five minutes. Harry must be very angsty. It is a good idea to have him go into many angry fits, and have him cry a lot. Maybe Cho Chang who, by fan fiction law, must be a whore can help him out. Over the span of a summer, I must have straight hair, and somehow have filled out in the chest area. The story should take place after whatever summer it was during the last book JKR published. In this case, it will be sixth year. The second element is that the story must include somewhere, Professor Severus Snape, and here he is bringing you the elements that Severus Snape must have in a fan fiction.

--You realize that we don't call them plot elements. No. By no means do these idiotic narratives we call fan fiction have to include an actual plot. But, they do have to include me in one of two personality types. One, is the lonely misunderstood man looking for love. There are many possibilities for this very unoriginal idea that truly causes me to cringe. One is that I can have a secret affair with a student who is at least 20 years younger than me. Most likely, this will be Hermione Granger. Excuse me while I gag. Sadly, I do not know the reason for this pairing. Someday, I hope, it will be explained to me. On second thought, maybe I don't want this revealed to me. Other students I would apparently screw include Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, and Neville Longbottom. Personally, I would rather not think about this, as it almost (almost being the key word) moves me to tears. And not in a good way, mind you. Another very creative (sneer) idea is that I hook up with the new DADA teacher, who happens to be very beautiful and (cringe) the key to my troubled past. Excuse me while I gag. Again. The second personality path we can take with me is this one: I am a sick and evil criminal that must be stopped. In this case, I must

1. Betray the Order

2. Kill Someone

3. Rape Some Poor Defensless Girl

4. Have an Affair With Voldemort

The last one, I have never actually seen, but I'm pretty sure it could happen in this creepy, twisted world of fan fiction. Back to you, Potter...

--The third element of a Harry Potter fan fiction, is that you must, at some point in your fic, have a completely out of place transfer student. Most likely this student will be female, very pretty, and American. One of the characters such as Ron, or me is likely to fall in love with this character. Better yet, if she is a female character, and you are a female fan fiction author, why not have that character be you. Wouldn't that be great? Now, onto Ron for element number four...

--Element four? The amazing dance party, of course. Every Harry Potter fic must include a very long dance chapter in which the characters can dance and form more absurd pairings. This would also be the perfect time to introduce element five, which will be brought to you by Hermione Granger.

--Thank you, Ron. Element Five would be the songfic section of any Harry Potter fan fiction. For these purposes, a song that everybody knows should be used. It should be a song that is extremely popular at the current time, or that was popular at one point in time. The best place to insert a song is in an angst portion of your fanfiction, but they can also fall under the romance category. This ends the five basic elements to a Harry Potter Fanfiction, but Voldemort will now bring you some other important tips.

--So. You have all of your extremely important elements in there. Now, there are a few things you should add to make your story a real...winner.

1. James Potter, Lily Potter, or Sirius Black should come back from the dead, or better yet, not have been dead in the first place. (Maybe I could kill them again...)

2. Hagrid should be hardly understandable at all. Throw in the words "o'course", "summat", and "da" a lot.

3. Include a mini-slash with pairings such as Harry/Draco, Snape/Lucius, or Remus/Sirius.

4. Have the whole thing be a musical....or better yet, based on an already existing musical.

Here is the moment you have all been waiting for...the characters have taken their own advice, and written the first chapter to their very own fic...

harry's 6th year at Hagworts

A/n: Hiya I M writing this fic about my idea that draco/hermine shuld get together. ok? pleese r/r no flames. c'ya later.

1 day Hermine walked off Hagworts train 2 go 2 da school for 6th year. she looked relly hawt. she had tank top and jeans on. draco saw her and he was like "OMG. she is hawt" ron and harry were like "OMG she is hawt."

"bloody hell," said ron. he 8 sandwich.

Harry membered the time thta his godfather serious Black died. He start 2 cry. Cho chang decided 2 make harry feel better. they go snogging. (OMG i luv da word snogging)

Hagrid Cs harry/cho. "o'course summat. No da not be summat snogging." he told harry to go way. he dids. cho goes and snogs micale corner. they all go 2 potions classe.

In potions classe...

"i am meen" sayd snape. "i don't like harry potter."

"i love you," says draco malfoy. "but hermione is my new gf."

hermione beems at draco.

"btw, dere is a dance tomorow." sayd snape. "I wills take the new DADA profesor. ok?"

"harry, I will ask new student 2 dance, ok?" Ron said

da American gurl nods ron. "ok"

Harry says "i wil l ask cho chang"

At the dance...

You are my fire

The one desire

Believe when I say

I want it that way

harry walk up to Cho. Dey go snog again. ooo Fluffy.

But we are two worlds apart

Can't reach to your heart

When you say

That I want it that way

snape go kiss new dada prfoessor. yay.

Tell me why

Ain't nothin' but a heartache

Tell me why

Ain't nothin' but a mistake

Tell me why

I never wanna hear you say

I want it that way

hermine and draco...

OMG cliffie! hahahaha read next chappie find out wat happens.

--And that, my friends, is the key to the basic Harry Potter Fan Fiction. I hope this tutorial has been helpful. And now, I'll get back to doing whatever it is that we heroes do.

A/N: Was that hilarious, or not? I thought so. I laughed just about the whole time I wrote that. It was a beautiful testimonial to every piece of crap that has been called a story. It brings tears to my eyes. Actually, I don't mind some of the above plot elements. I'm just using the cliche things we all find on every day.