Of Cousins, Cruises, and Confusion

"Play your tricks on me, but not on my cousin," said Achilles emphatically to Odysseus.

"Beloved cousin," said Patroclus, "your beauty grows with each new moon." Achilles didn't know quite what to say in reply.

"He killed my cousin!" shouted Hector as he came out of the Trojan gates, pointing at Briseis' dead body.

"Who are you?" questioned Achilles curiously.

"Nobody! He's nobody!" yelled Paris. "A distant cousin of my aunt's nephew twice removed. Lovely singing voice. Eunuch."

"Ah!" said Hector—this had obviously offended him—"Don't be hasty! H-umm…."

"Hasty?" said Achilles. "Our friends are out there. They need our help! They cannot fight this war on their own!"

"This will be the greatest war the world has ever seen!" roared Hector in retort. He also wanted to tell him that Celeborn and Guy were the same, but didn't.

"Yes, Hector," said Achilles, "the point is—he's clearly overacting!"

"Oh, that's nice!" said Hector, rolling his eyes. He turned to Andromache. "Do you remember how to get down to the tunnel? I want you to get our boy and come down here. You save as many people as you can, but YOU get here, and you run!"

"You need people of intelligence on this mission—quest—thing!" put in Paris.

"Well, that rules you out, Paris!"

"Three companions," remarked Hector. "So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Get-Down-to-the-Tunnel-Quick-If-Troy-Ever-falls!"

"Great! Where are we going?"

"To the harbor, Paris!" replied Hector.

"We're going to steal a ship?" inquired Paris. "That ship?"

"Commandeer," said Achilles. "It's a nautical term. We're going to commandeer THAT ship." He pointed out into the bay to where a sturdy, but small craft drifted gently across the water on the tide.

"It's such a pretty boat—ship!" announced Hector.

"Will we ever see each other again?" asked Paris.

"You smoke too much, Paris," answered Hector.

Achilles, Paris, and Helen boarded the ship solemnly.

Several hours later:

"I CAN'T sail this ship all by me onesies!" yelled Achilles angrily, indicating Paris, who was lying around reciting mushy love poems to Helen.

"Me—I can let you drown!" said Achilles smugly; he swung the pivoted spar around, knocking Paris and Helen off the side of the ship. Then, before they could be rescued, Achilles yelled:

"Row! Greeks are dying! Row, you lazy Orcs, row!" The oarsmen shot away, leaving Paris and Helen struggling in the wake.

"Welcome to the Aegean, love," sputtered Paris. Helen, fed up, turned and smacked Paris viciously.

"I may have deserved that," Paris commented. Suddenly, they noticed the dorsal fin of a tiger shark coming towards them.

"Something draws near," said Paris. "I can feel it." It bit him on the leg.

"It is HERE!" he cried, swimming as fast as possible to get away.

Helen and Paris, exhausted and soaked, finally found themselves on the shores of an uncharted desert isle, with Gilligan…

"Thanks, a lot—" they heard.

"But, Skipper!" Then, the entire island blew up.

Meanwhile, Agamemnon and Menelaus were reenacting the scene of the decision to attack Troy, endeavoring to discover whose fault it was.

"Will you go to war with me, brother?" asked Menelaus.

"This is either madness or the O.C.!" yelled Priam from his Palace.

"It's remarkable how often those two things coincide," observed Odysseus.

Then, at the mention of his favorite show, Agamemnon decided to go watch an episode or two…or three.

"You're late," the TV said when he arrived. "You look terrible!"

"I shall smash you, vile instrument of sorcery!" Agamemnon yelled. He chopped the TV into millions of jagged pieces.

"FREEDOM!" he bellowed. Just then, Menelaus came dancing into the tent saying:

"Is the king dead? Is the throne yours?" Agamemnon ignored him completely. He was looking out the window at a dark rider in the distance.

"They're here," he said.

"But, it's only one man!" cried Odysseus.

"No! They're here!" shouted Agamemnon. "They've come."

"Black riders!" shrieked Briseis, who had just magically returned to life. However, when Menelaus saw her, he died of fright.

"We are sitting on a field of victory enjoying a few well earned comforts," said Agamemnon, sitting down to a voluptuous feast.

"What are you doing?" cried Odysseus. "Those wraiths are still out there!"

Finis