"The Darkest Night" (Part 10/Epilogue)
by Sakura no Miko
Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou
Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual sympathy and glorification of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.
Summary: A story leads Subaru and Seishirou down an unexpectedly dark path, and they struggle to finally understand the nature of their love.
Disclaimer: This ending might be even worse than CLAMP's…or even better. Take your pick, but remember—mine isn't the real one.
"It doesn't make sense to me," Subaru said softly, with the slightest hint of a whine in his voice.
"It is simply a means of…replacing what a person has lost," Seishirou replied coolly. "It's not complicated, Subaru."
"But…" Subaru frowned. Lacking the words to explain his distaste, he finally shook his head and said stubbornly, "It just seems so strange! Why would you want someone else's blood in you?"
"Because you would die without it," Seishirou said simply. "It's saved many lives already." Subaru opened his mouth to object again, but Seishirou interrupted him. "You would not object if it were Hokuto's blood, would you?"
A curious change came over Subaru's face. Once, he might have become a nervous wreck, hearing her name like that. But in the years that had passed—years that had seen him shed his boyish form for another, more mature beauty—the name had come to bother him less and less.
"That…that would be different," Subaru protested weakly, his mind already processing this possibility and destroying his arguments.
He'd been trying, unsuccessfully, to dissuade Seishirou from leaving him—for an entire week—for the most mundane of reasons: a new idea, that some person had, to gather together all the great healers of the land together to share their knowledge with each other. This news of this new thing—this blood exchange—had only just reached them, and Seishirou found himself intrigued by it, by the logical beauty of the solution.
And yet, Subaru was having a harder time letting him go than he should have. They had been parted so rarely though the last years, and Subaru was always miserable when it happened.
Seishirou sighed, that sigh Subaru knew so well. "Why?" he said finally. He smiled inwardly. After all these years, hadn't he learned that it was impossible to try and understand Subaru? And yet, though the boy offered explanations—stuttering and halting as they might be—instantly, Seishirou had not yet learned to simply ask.
"The blood is…it's…" Ah, the familiar search for words. "…it's yours, Seishirou. It's so…so personal."
"Ah." Seishirou really did smile, this time. So that was the root. "Do you mean it is too intimate an exchange?" Subaru nodded. An evil thought rose in Seishirou's mind; evil and playful. He leaned close, to whisper the words he knew Subaru would blush over. "And yet, you and I share something far more precious than blood every night."
Subaru choked, and the faintest pink tinged his cheeks. "That is completely different!" he yelped. He spoke his thoughts without thinking. "I wouldn't want anyone else to get…that…from you. And I don't want…to give…" He suddenly realized what he was saying, and clamped his mouth shut.
"I understand," Seishirou said, watching his mortified lover cringe. "Don't be embarrassed, Subaru, my dearest."
The affectionate term still seemed alien to his tongue. He had never even returned it to his mother. He spoke it only rarely, and always in private, and yet…the way Subaru reacted was rather exquisite. It was always a little different: a warm smile, a brightness in his eyes, and even, once, he had…
The thought sent a warm shudder through him.
"You know, they…" A hazy memory flashed in Seishirou's mind; a long-ago conversation about things he'd never dreamed he would need. "Long, long ago, there was a ritual in my family. A ritual of blood exchange…" He furrowed his brow. It was coming back to him, and with it, he began to recall a strange interest the idea had pricked in him, a little obsession he'd long forgotten. "Something you might better approve of. It was …"
Subaru moved close to him, awkwardly claiming a place on his lap. He'd grown taller, finally, making the fit tighter, but still manageable. He slid an arm around Seishirou's neck and looked at the taller man curiously.
"Such a foolish story," Seishirou said softly, shaking his head. "There was a man, an ancient ancestor of mine who was also a healer. And a girl, an outsider, who fell madly in love with him. She…" Seishirou paused, his eyes intent on some non-existent figure in the distance. "She was so angry at him, and cursed him for his lack of emotions."
Subaru smiled, barely hiding a laugh.
Seishirou gave him a look, then shook his head. "Such a thing," he said in mock seriousness, "was a frequent problem in my family."
"I would never guess," Subaru whispered.
"She begged, and wept, hurled curses and sweet words, but he would not acknowledge her. She resolved to gain his attention, any way she could," Seishirou continued, serious again. "Our family crest—you have seen it, have you not?"
Subaru nodded. The black star, turned upon its head—exactly the opposite of his family's white star.
"We used it far more, back then. Everything we owned—every little thing in the manor to every piece of cattle—held the mark somewhere."
Seishirou stopped. He picked up Subaru's hand, staring at it, and kissed the back.
Subaru mirrored the gesture, not understanding or liking the sudden darkness he saw in his love's eyes. "Go on," he said. "Only if you want to," he added after a moment of thought.
"She wanted to make him prove that he felt nothing. So she…" Again, that dark look. He squeezed Subaru's hand unconsciously. "She forced him to watch as she took a knife and…carved the crest into her own hands."
Absently, Seishirou's fingers smoothed over Subaru's hand.
"She cried out in pain, but didn't stop. And finally, he begged her to stop. He wept for her, and kissed her bloody wounds, and she only smiled, for she knew…"
"He really did love her?" Subaru asked, a hint of a question in his voice.
"He took the knife to his own hands, but the first strike had barely fallen before she stopped him. She kissed him, and tasted his blood… He could do nothing about the scars, but she was proud of them. Signs of their love, she called them. And they say the two were never parted until death." Seishirou blinked, as if startled from some spell. "They called it the 'blood-binding,' the 'true-marriage,' and it was unbreakable, a scared vow."
He smiled, distantly. "Few have been bold enough to invoke it. And that number has dwindled with the family. Mother found it distasteful, the barbarous practice of an uncivilized era." Seishirou shrugged. "There were so many rules, so many rituals. And so it ended as it began—the desperate attempt of an outsider to win a Sakurazuka's love."
"The Sumeragis only wear rings," Subaru whispered with self-depreciating humor.
When Subaru started to get up, he grabbed the younger man's wrist. "I remember when she told me that," he said, putting his other hand to his temple. "I remember…how I dreamed of it when I was young…"
Subaru looked at him, confused. "Dreamed of it?" he echoed.
"I don't know why," Seishirou said. "Dark dreams. Sweet dreams." He squeezed Subaru's hand close. "I used to dream that someone was with me, someone whose hands were dripping red, just like in the story. And I thought they were beautiful, even though it looked so painful. I wanted to touch them. I wanted…to know how it felt, to take that knife and…"
Subaru pulled Seishirou's face against his chest. "I understand," he whispered.
He blinked away the images in his mind, images of Seishirou's sweet torment. The dark and desperate dreams, full of a passion he could not explain or contain. Sweet, sweet dreams, buried in the night's darkness, of a shadowy figure, red-stained hands of dripping the sweet, hot blood he longed to taste. Confusing dreams, where he so wanted, so yearned for, the cold blade of a knife against his own flesh…!
"I don't understand," Seishirou said softly. "I…I craved such violence, such vulgar, barbaric things." He looked up at Subaru. "These things have nothing to do with love…" The confusion in his voice was addictive, so perfectly mixed with pain and a hint of begging. "Even I understand that this mutilation has nothing to do with love," he hissed. "But, still, I…" He kissed at Subaru's hand, so slowly, so reverently. "I find it beautiful."
"Love makes things beautiful," Subaru said, feeling rather stunned. "Even terrible things." He hadn't even heard Seishirou say that word since that night, so long ago, when he confessed his desire to someday understand love, and feel love.
It had seemed so foolish, back then, to say what he really thought.
…for Subaru to admit that he was so certain, so very certain, that Seishirou already loved him, had always loved him, even if he couldn't see it…
"Love confuses things, and makes them impossible to understand," Seishirou replied. "Don't you understand, Subaru? I want to hurt you." He squeezed Subaru's hand roughly to prove his point. "I want to make you bleed, and I want to mark you, so that every time I see your hands, I…"
Seishirou looked sick, so pale and breathing in short, ragged little gasps. But his eyes were so intense, so full of fire.
"It is not love," he said again. Weakly, he pressed against Subaru, pushing his face against the boy's waist, moving one arm around him. Subaru reached over to cradle him in an embrace.
He hadn't even thought about what Seishirou wanted. Selfish as always. Always thinking that everything was alright, until times like these came along, and he realized how much Seishirou was hiding from him.
Maybe Seishirou was right, and they were only playing at real love.
"I think I understand it now," Seishirou said, and Subaru dropped one hand to his cheek, the other to his hair, the way he knew Seishirou loved to be touched, loved to be comforted. "Slowly…through these countless days and nights…I was able to question you, and watch you, and feel you, until I piece it together, this love that makes you so happy, and so sad." He paused. "And I found nothing but contradictions."
Subaru couldn't help but smile, though it was tainted with a bit of guilt. Smile at how logically and precisely Seishirou made his discovery, how seriously he explained it, how clinically. And guilt at the realization that he'd never noticed, that he'd shoved it to the back of his mind, that declaration that Seishirou wanted to understand love.
Deep in his mind…he hadn't believed it.
Because he'd already known what Seishirou hadn't. He'd already known how deeply they loved each other, and merely hearing the words had been enough. Seishirou would realize that, someday—that there was nothing to search for, that all he needed to do was accept the feelings he already had inside him.
Selfish. So selfish…
"Gentle touches are wonderful, and yet a certain roughness can be just as powerful," Seishirou whispered. "When I agree with your ideas, however foolish, you are so happy, and yet, sometimes, it seems as if you want to be the wrong one."
Subaru blushed, and felt another stab of guilt. Seishirou really had been paying close attention to him.
"This love is senseless, unreasonable, with no rules or boundaries," Seishirou said coldly, each word pounded in. "No rules, but, perhaps one…"
"What?" Subaru asked when the silence began to become uncomfortable.
"To do every possible thing to please another."
Subaru's hands stilled, and he felt… He couldn't quite explain it. Shock, mixed with pleasure, mixed with guilt.
"I've tried to follow that rule. Such a simple rule…"
Subaru almost didn't hear his next words, muttered under his breath, more out of annoyance than anger.
"And yet you seem no happier."
"What…?" Subaru's voice was higher than usual. "What are you talking about!" He wanted to swat Seishirou over the head for saying such an incredibly stupid thing. "I've never been more happy, Sei," he said softly, stroking at the sensitive spot on Seishirou's back that him nearly purr in pleasure.
Seishirou leaned up and kissed him, leaving Subaru in a sweet daze of pleasure, until he'd barely noticed Seishirou was already getting up, already leaving him.
He clumsily grabbed for Seishirou's wrist and missed. "Wait!" he cried out. "Tell me what you're talking about, Sei!"
He chased after him, all the way to the bedroom, where Seishirou was rather haphazardly throwing clothes in his bag. He grabbed Seishirou's hand, and held it tight, forcing the older man to stop, and, briefly, give him a wilting look. "I'm still leaving, Subaru," he said, staring rather profoundly into the depths of his bag.
"I don't care about that," Subaru said, "right now," he amended quickly. "You…you don't think I'm happy, Sei?"
"Happier…" Seishirou muttered.
"What?"
"I don't think you're any happier," Seishirou said with an air of resignation.
"Why do I need to be…happier?" Subaru narrowed his eyes. "Isn't it enough the way things are now?"
"You cry in your sleep," Seishirou said softly, without looking up. "And we fight over the most foolish and miniscule of things."
"I cry?" Subaru echoed.
"Sometimes," Seishirou said. His hands clutched the bag, ever so slightly. "I can't stop you."
"I can't control what I do when I sleep," Subaru argued, though he kept his voice low. The thought disturbed him a little. He couldn't remember any nightmares, or even any sad dreams. All he knew was that he went to sleep in Seishirou's arms, often quite happily, and awoke the same.
"But you can when you're awake."
Subaru sighed. "Any people who have been together as long as we have are going to fight," he said in frustration. "We can't agree on everything, not when we're so different." He chuckled a little. "At least we're not trying to kill each other." He tried to smile sincerely. "Anything else worrying you, Sei?"
"I still desire to hurt you." Seishirou laughed bitterly. "Explain that, Subaru. Tell me why I want to make you scream, and bleed, just to see that you…"
"That I belong to you?" Subaru finished. "That worries me the least of the three." He grabbed Seishirou from behind, buried his face in the older man's hair affectionately. "You're just being possessive." He leaned to whisper, not a little seductively, "I think it's cute."
"You're deranged," Seishirou muttered. "I want to tear your flesh to shreds," he said coldly, "and you think it's cute."
Subaru gulped back a bit of shock at Seishirou's blunt words. "You don't really want that," he said. "Not the blood and the scars."
"I want—"
Subaru cut him off. "You wouldn't be beating yourself up over this is all you wanted was to hurt me. You wouldn't be begging to explain why you want it so badly, even though you can't stand the idea."
"I am not begging."
"You wouldn't hurt me," Subaru said confidently. "You…you love me too much." His voice quivered. "You love this selfish, useless little boy so much…so much more than I could ever love you back."
"Don't say that," Seishirou whispered. He tried to turn, but Subaru's weight against his back left him hanging in an awkward sort of crouch. "I can't even understand what love is…"
"You understand better than me!" Subaru cried out. "All the things you've done to make me happy, and I never even noticed…"
"They were inferior actions," Seishirou said. "Just shadows of true love I could never grasp."
"Shut up!" Subaru was half-sobbing, half-screaming.
Seishirou did indeed fall silent. Subaru let out another sob or two, finally managing to compose himself.
"You need…to finish packing…" he said, his voice raw. He couldn't bring himself to argue again, to beg Seishirou to stay. No…now, the distance might be a good thing, if they were only going to fight.
He couldn't bear to say the words running through his mind.
"I'll…make something to eat," he mumbled, searching for a way out, a way to get away from the stifling smallness of the room.
He wiped roughly at his eyes, splashing his face with chilled water. Love was never easy, he knew that. They were bound to fight, and to disagree, and to have times when they almost hated each other.
And he knew Seishirou loved him, and that he loved Seishirou…didn't they?
Through everything, he'd clung to that one thought, and it was his one hope, whenever they fought, whenever they were apart.
He was so lost in his thoughts he'd barely noticed the position he was in, food left on the table, and a small knife clutched in his fingers.
That was, until Seishirou grabbed his hand, startlingly him so much he almost dropped the blade to the ground.
"It was too quiet," Seishirou said, hid grip tightening. "I thought you might…" His breaths came roughly.
"Do you want me to?" Subaru whispered, amazed at the challenge in his own voice. "Would that settle things?" If he wasn't selfish, for once, and gave Seishirou what he wanted…?
"Yes…no…" Seishirou pulled away, looked at the ground.
Subaru took a deep breath, and closed his eyes. So selfish. Not really love at all… He raised his hand, for once, his mind completely clear…
Seishirou grabbed Subaru, slammed him against the able, the blade flying dangerously free, clattering to the floor with smashed plates and raw food.
"Don't." Seishirou's voice was so cold, so commanding.
"I'm not scared to do it, Sei," Subaru gasped, the wind knocked out of him, his body throbbing in pain. "Let me be selfish, Sei. Let me make you happy, for once."
"This love is…selfless, is it not?" Seishirou asked.
Subaru nodded. "True love is always selfless, and unconditional."
Seishirou seemed to ponder the thought for a moment. "It is not love, to do this," he said finally. "And I….I do…" He broke off, mid-sentence. He squeezed Subaru's hand, kissed it, dragged it up against his racing heart. "Is this fear?" he wondered out loud. "I am…afraid for you, Subaru."
Subaru watched him, the momentary madness subsiding, and felt a thrill in his heart. Seishirou was afraid for him, strong Seishirou…afraid of him being hurt. Seishirou cared that much for him.
"Swear you will not do anything." Subaru nodded, perhaps too quickly. Seishirou looked at him, studying him, for a moment. "This is something new I must consider. A few days away will be useful."
Subaru nodded again, never more grateful to be alone, alone with his thoughts, with his love that…that even he could no longer understand.
There was a faint ache in Subaru's heart.
One that he couldn't assuage, no matter what he did.
He wrote a letter to Kyouto. She'd written to him, weeks ago, it seemed, and he'd almost forgotten.
She wanted to visit him, and told him so proudly that her papa had told her that, in another year or two, he would let her come over all by herself. She told Subaru how much she missed him, and even mentioned her desire to see "the man who talked so funny."
Subaru laughed, for the first time in days. Only Seishirou could get into a debate on the merits of love with a seven-year-old.
Ah, that reminded him, Kyouto's birthday was coming soon. She'd be eleven years old. He planned to give her many gifts, taking advantage of his inability to see her by spoiling her rotten.
Ten years…ten years he'd been with Seishirou, since the winter when Kyouto was born.
He buried the thought. The pain was still to close for him to try and understand.
Putting the letter aside, he stretched out his legs, sitting on a lonely bed. Lonely without Seishirou…
He looked, instead, at the small dolls Kyouto had sent him. Little Hokuto, with the green-button eyes, that Kyouto had given him when they first met. A Subaru doll she'd made for him, almost identical. A doll of her Papa, standing tall, to celebrate the day he'd finally been able to take a few faltering steps without any help and sweep up his beloved daughter in his arms. And, sitting in her Papa-doll's arms, a replica of Kyouto herself, smiling so brightly.
Even…even a small Seishirou, made after meeting him only once, carefully set up next to the Subaru-doll, smiling that unfathomable smile he could never understand how Kyouto, a girl so young, could replicate with bits of yarn.
Kyouto was so smart for her age, having inherited her parents' uncanny ability to understand people.
And yet, she was still a child, Subaru reflected, remembering the shy note at the very end of her letter, an account of a boy who had given her a flower, and then ran away, blushing. She didn't understand why he wouldn't stay and play with her, or why her Papa had suddenly grabbed her up in a hug, as if he were scared to let her go.
Subaru looked at the pictures of her, Seishirou's beautiful Mother, finally restored to the walls, when her son could finally look at them without the remnants of a guilty madness, and whisper the sweet name she had once called him—dearest Seishirou, my dearest and only beloved son—to the one person he had come to love. She had Seishirou's smile.
He pulled his legs up, and laid his head against them, unaccountably sad and happy at the same time.
He wanted Seishirou to come back, and it had only been one day.
Finally, Subaru sat down, one twilight dusk, a day before he knew Seishirou was returning. All he duties were done, all the patients attended to, and there was nothing left but him and his thoughts.
All this had happened because Seishirou wanted to cheer him up, and end that stupid fight over the blood and the markings.
Why was it so hard when they were together?
Alone, yes, he could understand. Seishirou's possessiveness made the idea seem appealing, and his violent streak made it a very real possibility.
But he couldn't bear to hurt Subaru, no matter how much the idea appealed to him.
Subaru cursed. The emotions made it all so clumsy, so crazed. Maybe Seishirou had been right. Maybe the emotions only made things worse.
Maybe their love was destined to be like this from the start.
Periods of peace, of happiness, and then, the inevitable blow up, where they'd come so close to destroying each other…
…and not even care…
They were so unlike each other, so completely opposite, so different that it…it might be impossible for them to ever…
Subaru buried his face in his hands. Too terrible to think that. Instead, he thought of the warmth, the sweet times of being in Seishirou's arms, so wonderfully and totally complete it made his heart ache with loneliness.
Without Seishirou, he would have died.
And with Seishirou, he sometimes hurt so much he wished he were dead. With Seishirou, he sometimes felt so utterly wonderful he thought he would die, or that he must be dead already, for surely such joy couldn't exist in his simple life.
He wanted to cry in sheer frustration. It wasn't fair, to dangle such wonderful things before him, and make him suffer so much for them!
His legs were trembling as he made his way to bed. Another day, and Seishirou would be back, and it would all start again. Another day of this terrible emptiness in his heart.
Another loveless day of waiting…
He knew Seishirou was right, all along. Love was a sort of madness that made everything stop making sense.
Because, despite everything, he still loved Seishirou.
Loved him so much he would do anything for him. Loved him so selfishly he would never let him go. Loved him and loved him and wanted him back at his side so badly it made him wonder if his heart could really break, just from the sheer wanting.
Another day, but it seemed like eternity.
He was late.
Subaru was worried. He might expect Seishirou to be early—in fact, he'd half-expected that the man would arrive in the middle of the night and he'd wake up in Seishirou's embrace that morning—but not late.
Finally, he'd turned in to sleep again, feeling rather bitter as he wrapped the cold sheets around his body.
No sooner had he closed his eyes then he heard a low laughter, felt a pair of warm arms embrace him.
He wanted to hit Seishirou, he really did.
"I thought you'd stay awake all night," the older man laughed in his ear. "I was going to go up there and grab you and drag you off to bed."
Seishirou's hands trembled. So cold… "Get in here," Subaru murmured, pulling the blankets back. "You're freezing."
"Of course." Seishirou kissed him on the cheek, just next to his mouth. "I missed you."
"Me too." Subaru wasted no time in planting a multitude of kisses on Seishirou's face, his mouth, his neck.
His hands were still trembling, his voice unsteady, but Seishirou eagerly touched Subaru, eagerly kissed him and warmed him.
Subaru thought, randomly, that the older man seemed nervous. He was trying to hide it, but Subaru noticed it in his touches, his voice. But, for the moment, he said nothing, too much full of wanting and desire to wonder at his lover's actions.
Only when Seishirou began to fumble in the darkness, rather roughly groping him, did he finally managed to ask, "Why are you so nervous, tonight? You can't have forgotten that much in a few days away."
Seishirou laughed at the gentle teasing. "Don't worry," he whispered, and his caresses grew stronger. "It's a problem of the morning, not right now."
Subaru relaxed as Seishirou knowingly touched him, made him feel a fire in his veins. A problem of the morning…that was enough of an explanation for him, for now.
The bliss of his body quieted his mind, and his worries. It was very hard to think about anything else when Seishirou was doing this to him.
It was always so wonderful…to be together with him like this.
To cling together so closely he forget where he began and Seishirou ended, forgot the walls of flesh and emotions that kept them locked in their endless rejection of each other, forgot that they were anything but two souls, so entwined together, in such pleasure, that they could never be untangled.
His name sounded so sweet on Seishirou's lust-heavy voice.
Why couldn't it always be like this, he wondered. They never fought like this, skin delicious against skin in the cool sheets. They never fought, never questioned, never wondered if what they were feeling was anything but wonderful.
It frightened him to think of the days when…when this no longer mattered. When they were old, and could not remember these days any more, and had nothing but love between them.
Seishirou squeezed his hands, nipped his neck, made him weep so sweetly with each motion…
This sweetness had brought him back from despair, driven away the icy deadness of his soul, warmed and embraced him so utterly, so consuming.
"Love you," Subaru whispered, between gasping breaths and shuddering moans of pleasure. "So much, Sei…"
Seishirou kissed him silently, roughly, until even his choked cries of climax were quieted in the darkness of the night.
Subaru felt wonderfully at peace, his skin overly warm and his body deliciously exhausted. He laid his head on Seishirou's chest, listening to the quick, powerful beats of his heart. "As pleasant as that was," he whispered without lifting his head, "I still want to know why you're so nervous."
Seishirou didn't stir. Subaru waited a moment, then pushed himself up, resting his weight on his arms. He leaned close to Seishirou's ear. "I know you're not asleep," he said pointedly. Seishirou still didn't stir. "It's your own fault. I can feel your heart thumping so loudly in my ear."
"Wait until morning," Seishirou said finally, without opening his eyes.
"Wouldn't it be better to tell me now?" Subaru whispered, his curiosity piqued. "You'd sleep better."
Seishirou chuckled. "Is that a threat?"
"It could be," Subaru replied mischievously, though he'd meant nothing even remotely like that.
"I've thought about it," Seishirou said softly. He pulled Subaru close to him and kissed his hair, leaving the boy against his chest again.
"And…?" Subaru didn't even need to ask what "it" was. He steeled himself for the worst.
"I may have made a faulty conclusion."
"Huh?" Subaru blinked in the darkness.
"This love….is not a contradiction, but a paradox," Seishirou continued, so clinical, so cold.
"…and?" Subaru dared after a moment of silence.
"And that's it," Seishirou said, a hint of a laugh in his voice. "A paradox is—"
"I know what a paradox is," Subaru snapped, annoyed. "Something that makes sense when you think about…" He trailed off. "Something that makes sense?"
Seishirou nodded. "Something that makes sense," he agreed.
"Would it be selfish to ask for more of an explanation?" His voice was unsteady, tipped with fear.
Seishirou kissed his head again. "It doesn't matter."
So simple, and yet it took such a weight off Subaru's heart.
"To love is to want to make another happy, and I want you to be happy," Seishirou said, stroking Subaru's hair in a way that calmed the boy, made him feel safe and unafraid. "But I want to please myself just as much…perhaps more."
Subaru's heart clenched. But he was selfish as well…so what could he say?
"Regardless of your wishes, or the pain you feel, I want to mark you, to possess you," Seishirou continued. "And this I want only to please myself. So, if love is purely selfless, I could not love you."
"Should I get the knife?" Subaru whispered, half-mocking, half-serious.
Seishirou shook his head slowly. "That love is not real," he said softly. "Because it can only lead to an impossible outcome. It has already been proven that I care for you, in such a foolish and contradictory way it must, indeed, be…"
Subaru pressed a finger over his lips. "Don't tell me like that," he whispered, an absurd rush of confidence in his veins.
"Yes," Seishirou whispered, his lips tickling Subaru's finger until he finally pulled it back. "Do you want to hear the rest of my conclusion?"
"Yes."
"So love is not purely selfless. This makes sense, however, when you consider that humans are, by nature, selfish and foolish creatures." Subaru could feel him smirk. Seishirou never had gotten over his superiority complex towards…well, just about everyone else on the planet. "They believe that love is selfless, but this is a faulty idea that only causes more pain and sorrow."
"Then what is love, Sei?"
"A mixture of complete selflessness…and utter selfishness," the older man said simply. "Each one keeping the other in check." He grabbed Subaru's hand. "So that, when I want to make you mine, I also remember not to hurt you." He chuckled. "Unless you want to be hurt…"
Subaru lightly smacked Seishirou's arm, then, after a moment, kissed it gently. "So you want me to be…selfish?" he whispered.
"Not if it makes you hurt," Seishirou replied, and Subaru winced. He hadn't meant to let his guilt show so openly. "But I want you to feel happy. I want you to tell me what you want, and not just try to please me." Another chuckle. "It makes it so much harder to please you, Subaru."
"It makes me happy to make you happy," Subaru said, a hint of a smile returning to his face.
"That is why this love still exists," Seishirou said, an uncharacteristic seriousness in his voice. "Because the selfishness and the selflessness coexist so completely, that even when you follow that faulty love, you cannot help but fulfill the true love." He wrapped Subaru up tightly, but comfortably. "I am happy when you are as well," he admitted. "Saddened when you are saddened. And undeniably pleasured when you are pleasured." He took a breath. "I will have to add that in. Mutual benefit countered by mutual damage."
Subaru muffled a laugh. Somehow, it wouldn't surprise him, if, hidden somewhere in the deep pockets of his jacket, Seishirou had written out a long and terribly formal paper, or at least notations, detailing his definition of love.
Whatever got the job done, he supposed.
Another thought struck his mind. "Surely this wasn't what you were nervous about?" he asked, the quietness of his voice masking his insistent question. The older man's silence was enough of an answer. "You're too good at distracting me," Subaru said, wanting to shake his head, but settling for a soft, ticklish breath against Seishirou's chest to punctuate his point.
"I have something for you," Seishirou said, and he shifted, leaning over the bed to grab a discarded piece of clothing. He grasped for a moment, finally turning back around to Subaru, who struggled to see through the darkness at the object in the older man's hand.
Seishirou put a finger to his lips. "I would tell you to close your eyes, but you can't see, anyway." He let out something suspiciously like a sigh. "Nor can I see you that well. That makes it harder to gauge your reaction…"
Subaru laughed, gently. "I'm sure you'll know if I like it, Sei."
"Give me your hands," Seishirou said. Subaru reached out in the darkness, hesitant at first, though he tried not to show it. All this…this foolishness about marking…and blood…was going to his head.
Seishirou lightly caught hold of his fingertips, astounding gentle. Subaru did close his eyes, instinctive and comforting, leaving himself in darkness, hands held out to face whatever Seishirou had in mind.
It took a moment to recognize sensation. Seishirou gently pulled his fingers apart, splaying his hand out, letting it hand anxiously for a moment before a sudden coldness enveloped his finger.
Subaru jerked his hand back without thinking, drawing the offended hand into the other and…
It was hard to say which realization came first. That the coldness was the chill of winter on a piece of metal. That the item now on his finger was round, and smooth. That the very top of the item was hard and a little prickly, but, if he dragged his other finger around those little hard little bits of something that felt like rock, he could feel the shape of a star, wrapped in a circle.
Or perhaps that he was, suddenly and certainly, wearing a new ring upon his finger.
Seishirou took his other hand, limp in Subaru's shocked reverie, and it met the same fate. "This is not…" Seishirou started to say, to whisper. "This is not such madness as the blood-binding, but it gives me enough satisfaction to see you marked as mine this way."
Subaru swallowed a little, suddenly so utterly happy he couldn't find his voice.
"Have I done wrong?" Seishirou asked, and Subaru could hear the nervousness in his voice. "I thought you would prefer your own clan's methods of marriage."
"It's…perfect," Subaru whispered, still stunned. He clenched his hands together, suddenly so aware of the metal adorning both of his fingers, the symbol of Seishirou's clan set in some jewels upon the ring. "You're so perfect, Seishirou." He took a deep breath, suddenly starting to feel a little sick. "You…you were listening to me…and you did this…" Seishirou's hand caressed his face, and he pulled away, his chest suddenly aching. "And I…I…" He hiccupped. "What have I ever done for you?"
"Subaru…"
Subaru cut him off. "My love…it can't…it…I'm so selfish, Sei! I'm not selfless at all."
It was overwhelming, the utter happiness and the utter agony Subaru felt welling up in his gut.
"I never listen to you like that," Subaru went on. "I couldn't even remember…I…"
Seishirou grabbed him up, and he melted, ashamed, into Seishirou's welcome embrace. Seishirou kissed his head. "Subaru," Seishirou whispered, so affectionate.
"No…You know I'm right, Sei…" Subaru protested weakly.
"Tell me what happened the day before I left."
"What?" Subaru asked, surprised. "The day we were fighting?"
Seishirou shook his head. "No, before that. The day we had the surgery."
Subaru sniffled. "You were doing the surgery all day," he said softly. "So I took care of the patients while I waited for you."
"Remind me of how you took care of them, Subaru."
Subaru paused for a moment. "Um…well…I had to keep that baby quiet, the one who had the coughing and the pain in her chest, so she wouldn't wake the other patients, so I got up before you did and brought her over to the kitchen while I made breakfast. And I had to change the bandages of the man who'd been burned, slowly and carefully, just like you showed me. I had to prepare the medicines, and I almost burnt my fingers again. I…" Subaru trailed off. "I did what we always do, Sei."
"Mmm," Seishirou agreed, a soft rumble that Subaru could feel. "And afterwards, when I finally finished the surgery?"
"It was already late," Subaru said. "I'd been trying to keep the food warm, but I couldn't." He sniffled again. "It was ruined."
"But I still had a wonderful meal that night."
"I had to cook it all over again." Subaru shook his head and started to pull away. "I wanted to make your favorite. I wanted you to have something wonderful when you finally finished all your hard work. But I…" Subaru buried his face in his hands. "I couldn't even stay awake!"
"Do you know what I saw?" Seishirou whispered softly. "My adorable little Subaru, so completely exhausted from doing so much, laying there on the dinner table, crying in his sleep, waiting all night for a man who couldn't even start to give him what he wanted."
"Sei…?" Subaru whispered, startled to feel a soft wetness on Seishirou's face when he reached out, blindly, to him.
"You are no happier," Seishirou said. "Though you are far more selfless than I." Subaru felt his muscles clench, felt the hot tears. "I can do nothing but bring these useless trinkets, and seduce you to my bed. But you give so much to everyone." He almost barked, "And you think you're the selfish one!"
Subaru leaned forward, tentative, barely brushing their lips together. They moved, without thinking, until Subaru found himself pinned against the bed, Seishirou leaning over him, their kisses deep and fervent, but tinged with a sadness that kept their passion in check.
"I hate this," Subaru whispered finally, trying to catch a breath. "We should be happy."
Seishirou leaned to kiss him again, briefly. "I am…happy," he whispered.
"So am I," Subaru said.
Seishirou kissed him again. "Then why is it like this?" he asked.
"I don't know," Subaru admitted. "I've never loved anyone before."
Seishirou smiled against Subaru's neck, resting his head. "Nor have I," he added unnecessarily. They lapsed into a comfortable silence.
"These rings are beautiful," Subaru whispered with a sigh. Then he laughed, all the dark thoughts melting away. "This isn't right," he said, still laughing. "I'm supposed to be putting a ring on you too, Sei."
"What?"
Seishirou sounded adorably confused. "I give you a ring, and you give me a ring." Subaru grabbed one of Seishirou's hands. "I mean, I get to mark you too." He laughed again. "We belong to each other."
"I…did not know this," Seishirou said, and his seriousness made Subaru laugh again, until Seishirou finally began to laugh with him.
The laughter died down, finally, replaced with a fun sort of breathless wheezing. Subaru wrapped his arms around Seishirou's shoulders, the man still lying against his neck, the way Seishirou so often held him. "You…really think I'm selfless, Sei?"
"Yes." Seishirou chuckled softly. "Though you're sometimes very…demanding."
Subaru made a soft, semi-offended noise of indignation. "Like you aren't," he shot back gently. Then, more seriously, "And you really are happy? With me?"
"Yes."
So simple. Too simple, Subaru thought, longing to ask why, how.
He yawned, suddenly so tired, the emotion and adrenaline staring to wear off. It was too late to ask why.
"Sei?" he asked quietly. "Let me see your hand." Subaru fumbled to get the ring off his right hand. Maybe, just maybe…
It was hard to move with Seishirou lying against him, the man's broader shoulders and weight forcing him to wriggle a bit. He took Seishirou's left hand clumsily in his, feeling in the darkness for his fingers.
He couldn't suppress a smile when he finally got the ring to fit, just barely, around Seishirou's pinky. The man's hands were so much larger than his own, it was a wonder the ring fit any finger.
Seishirou's hand suddenly closed around his own, and for a moment, smooth metal scraped against metal.
…why…?
Why such simple, consuming bliss, in that tiny moment?
Why such contentment, to lie there, skin against skin, warm in the chilly darkness of night, together?
Why, when he knew it never lasted?
Why, why, why, why…
"Go to sleep, Subaru," he heard Seishirou murmur faintly. A familiar tapping on his chest. "Your heart is thumping so loud in my ear…"
"Is it?" Subaru started to move, forcing Seishirou to roll off him a little. He pushed himself down, leaving them face-to-face, close enough to taste each other's breath, or gently dart out a tongue to lick the other's lips.
Seishirou whispered, "Dearest," before his breaths began to even out, and he was asleep, innocent and carefree as a child.
This was bliss, this moment, after all the pain, and all they times they fought.
Their unfathomable, inexplicable, wonderful and terrible love.
Subaru leaned his hand over, smoothing along Seishirou's cheek, his shoulder, and then back to his wonderful fingers.
Why, Subaru's mind whispered again.
But in his heart, he already knew the answer.
Author's notes: Was that a cheap ending? Oh well, I like it.
Hmmm, I have so many things to say…
As I read over these chapters again, I only realize how many things I completely forgot to write. Setsuka's fondness for "dearest" escaped my attention in the last chapter. Even worse, perhaps, I never got around to Seishirou's eye. I went to all the work of foreshadowing the fact that his left eye is going blind back in…hmm, part 7, I think, where Subaru is staring at him in the house and he can't see Subaru until he turns and looks at him with the other eye…And Seishirou was going to have really cute glasses. But what does that matter now? Eh, write it off as a fluke. Or the darkness of the house.
This "epilogue" got out of control. It's probably the longest chapter, and so many parts are just…too long, but I couldn't cut them.
Aiyiyi, in retrospect…what can I say? This is the first long story I've actually finished, and I hope you liked it. It might have been over-dramatic at times (although, you know, you can assume that all those big chunks of time I skipped were more-or-less peaceful) and I'm sure there were moments that were out of character (although, arguably, these aren't really the same characters from X, so there's no character for them to adhere to)…
But, it has a happy ending. Seishirou's not dead, as I originally planned him to be. But he never actually gets around to saying those oh-so-important words. And Subaru is still rather depressed and full of questions. And yet, for the life of me, I cannot think of another ending, one more profound. Maybe it's stupid of me to pose a question I never planned the answer to, but…
Damn, my notes are always so long and boring…