Author's note: While trying (and failing) to continue DW Jeopardy, I wrote this instead. You don't have to read DW Jeopardy to read this, but it's better if you do, as I think there are a couple references to some DW Jeopardy stuff. Not as funny as Jeopardy, but it's all I've got right now.

Within the splendid office given to him by the Koei company, Liu Bei and his three brothers discussed contracts for future games, merchandising, and the Battle of Red Cliffs movie. They were weighing the pros and cons of having a big budget film about the Three Kingdoms era. Guan Yu maintained that the bigger budget would allow them to have decent battle scenes (this had been a sore point with him ever since the Chinese TV series). Liu Bei worried that anything produced by someone from Hollywood was likely to be all special effects and no depth, and he especially fretted that not enough emphasis would be placed on his virtue and the restoration of the Han.

Zhuge Liang entered the room, bowed to his lord, and handed him a letter.

"What's this?" Liu Bei took it. The letter, stamped with the official Koei seal, read:

"Thank you for your participation in the most recent version of Dynasty Warriors. We appreciate your continued support of this most valuable franchise. As you are important members of the Koei team, we'd like to have your feedback on the game. Please answer the questions below in consideration of possible future titles:

1) What is the worst aspect of the game?

2) What is the best aspect of the game?

3) How do you feel about your character?

4) What improvements could we make to your character?

5) If future cuts to the cast are necessary, who should we eliminate?

6) We've found in polls among fans that more romance is desired. Would you do a romantic scene with somebody? (Please describe your ideal romantic scene)

7) If you had to endure fan-based websites pairing you up with someone of the same gender (yaoi/yuri), who would be your preference?"

Guan Yu stroked his beard thoughtfully. "… the last question is insulting. We should not answer it."

"If we don't fill out their questionnaire, how will they hear our criticisms and know what needs to be fixed?" replied Liu Bei. "I am going to give them a reply."

"My Lord," said Zhuge Liang, "may I suggest that we go to the Three Kingdoms main office, and discuss the questions with the people of Wei and Wu?"

"Why should we do that?" asked Liu Bei.

Zhuge Liang waved his fan. "Entertainment value, mostly. Have you seen Sima Yi's new outfit yet, my lord?"

Liu Bei shook his head. "I didn't have any cutscenes with him, so no."

"Well, you will understand when we arrive," said the strategist, with a cryptic smile.

… an hour later, in the Three Kingdoms main office, the three brothers and the Shu strategist arrived in time to hear Sun Ce's burst of laughter. The young warrior of Wu pointed at Sima Yi, who was clad in his DW5 outfit. "What happened to you?" he exclaimed. "Dude, you look like a flower!"

Sima Yi folded his arms and glowered.

Liu Bei and the brothers laughed at him.

"Apparently," said Zhuge Liang, "Koei decided to make his costume the dress I sent him at Wuzhang plains."

"It is not a dress!" objected Sima Yi.

Cao Cao stared at him. "Good lord, man, what happened to your voice?"

Sima Yi, silently fuming, cursed Koei for the changes made to his character.

Zhang He minced gracefully to his side and said, "Pay them no mind, lord strategist. You look lovely in that dress. Is it not important, above all else, to be beautiful?"

"Indeed," agreed Zhuge Liang. "And you certainly succeed there, Sima Yi."

Everyone in the room snickered.

Sima Yi slammed a hand down on the table. "Koei has gone too far! They're just trying to set me up for yaoi fandom on purpose now. What a mockery this is!"

Cao Cao chuckled. "My, Sima Yi, you could almost be added to my harem in that outfit. Hah! Too bad I was absent for a lot of the filming. Koei had the gall to make my son cooler than me, grr. I'm torn between fatherly pride and selfish egotism. Anyway, he's an ingrate. Thanks to his presence I missed a lot of what would otherwise have been my roles."

Sun Jian commiserated. "Don't I know it. I really preferred the previous games."

"Don't compare yourself to me, you pompous fool!" snapped Cao Cao. "You were about as important in the book as Yuan Shao. All you did was die so that your sons could inherit."

"What? All right, Cao Cao, if it's a fight you want—"

"Would you two please stop bickering?" interrupted Liu Bei. "Anyway, Cao Cao, I think as far as our offspring are concerned you can hardly complain. Look at what they did to Liu Chan."

"What?" said Cao Cao. "Made him a ruler who happens to suck? I'd say the portrayal's pretty accurate."

Liu Bei sighed regretfully. "That's what I'm complaining about."

Cao Cao sniggered.

Zhou Yu, who had been secretly laughing at Sima Yi's purple gown, made some effort to conceal his amusement as he said to the Wei strategist, "I sympathize with you Sima Yi. In fact, I propose we make a joint complaint to Koei."

Sima Yi turned to him. "Oh? You too? But you don't appear much different from previous games, and you have a wife in the game with you. What have you got to complain about?"

Zhuge Liang said,

"I'll explain it in a short little rhyme

About two great beauties of the time

Da and Xiao Qiao you might say

But no, the beauties of the day

Are Wu's Zhou Yu, Wei's Sima Yi

Now yaoi fans will scream with glee

To see Zhou Yu's tears for poor Sun Ce

And Sima Yi bloom alongside Zhang He."

This recital led many officers to burst out laughing, while Sima Yi and Zhou Yu had to be restrained from tearing the Shu strategist to pieces. He bowed gracefully.

"Sima Yi," said Zhuge Liang, "you did indeed match Zhang He perfectly in your purple dress. As for you Zhou Yu, I have to admit, I found your story mode extremely touching. I was a bit disappointed that I didn't get to play my usual role, but in fact, the heartrending story of your devotion to Sun Ce was quite worthwhile."

Zhou Yu growled, "Where is Lu Bu when we need him? Why can't you just roll over and die?"

Liu Bei took his strategist aside and said, "Kongming, is it really necessary for you to tease them like that? I don't recall you as having been so spiteful."

Zhuge Liang replied quietly, "Oh, I've nothing against either of them, actually. I think it's a shame Koei's made such changes to Sima Yi; I feel sympathy for him. However, there is reason in my actions."

"What reason?" asked Liu Bei.

"If I irritate them enough they will petition Koei to keep me out of the next game."

"What? Why would you want that?"

Zhang Fei supplied the answer: "Because he looks frigging stupid fighting with a fan."

"… thank you, Yide, for putting it so succinctly," said Zhuge Liang. "My lord, I have no place in a hack n' slash title. I am a strategist, not a warrior."

"Hey!" cried Sun Ce. "Quit the whispering over there! What are you guys plotting?"

"Nothing," said Liu Bei. "Let's get to the questions. I'm going to take down answers to deliver to Koei."

"Can we trust you to record our answers properly?" demanded Cao Cao.

Liu Bei nodded. "I am the virtuous one here. But all right, I'll let all of you proofread them before I turn them in. Or turn in your own, if you'd prefer."

"Liu Bei is a man of his word," said Sun Jian. "I'll trust him, so long as he doesn't let his strategist lay a hand on it."

"That's fine," said Liu Bei. "I insist this thing be filled out honestly. Now, the first question: 'What is the worst aspect of the game'?"

All not on the Shu side cried immediately: "The Shu bias!"

Liu Bei blinked, sweatdropped. "… There's a Shu bias?"

Cao Cao slammed his hand on the arm of his chair. "Don't play innocent, you cretin! I'm sick of being made out to be the bad guy. Sure, I slaughtered innocent people and filled my harem with beautiful women of my choosing, but it's not as if you're all that much better. They should put the arm incident in!"

Liu Bei paled. "No! Not the arm incident! Besides, this time around they made me seem horrible during the campaign for Chengdu. It's just awful! All of my attempts to keep peace with Liu Zhang are left out. I seem like a villain!"

"Good!" exclaimed Cao Cao and Sun Quan.

Liu Bei shook his head sadly. "It was such a tragedy, that incident… My advisors and his were itching for a fight, but we were kinsmen. It was because Pang Tong was so eager to assassinate him that tension rose between us, and then Pang Tong got killed…" He began to weep.

"Oh, GAWD! Spare me…" Cao Cao rolled his eyes.

"Speaking of the Shu bias," said Sun Quan, "what more evidence do you need than that posh office they get? We get stuck in a back room that used to be part of a warehouse!"

"Not to mention Zhao Yun…" added Sima Yi. "He's obviously the favorite, glorified in the intro."

Liu Bei looked up. "Where's the bias in that? It's only natural. Zhao Yun is magnificent. Anyway Cao Cao, you can't talk about bias when they made your son so much cooler than mine."

Cao Cao threw him an irritated glare. "What are you talking about? My son was cooler than yours. It's only what he deserves!"

Cao Pi threw open the doors and entered the room. "Hello, everyone. Ah, father. You can retire now; a younger, better leader is here to guide Wei to glory and rid the world of the Shu bias."

Cao Cao narrowed his eyes. "What? How dare you dismiss me that way, you ungrateful brat!"

Cao Pi gave a smirk, and brushed back his hair. "Whatever…" he said coolly. "Now, shall we get to that questionnaire?"

Cao Cao growled, glaring suspiciously at his son.

Liu Bei cleared his throat and looked down at the questionnaire. "All right, so everyone's answer to the first question is… um… unfaithfulness to the original story, right?"

The answer, shouted at him from all corners of the room, was deafening: "Shu bias!"

Liu Bei hesitated. "Ah…"

"Give me that question sheet!" snarled Cao Cao, snatching at it.

"No! I'm writing it, all right?" Liu Bei scribbled hastily. "Look, I put it down – Shu bias. Fine. What about everybody from Shu? I'd say the worst aspect is the lack of faithfulness to the novel, especially during the assault on Chengdu—"

A groan filled the room.

"Oh, give me a break!" said Cao Cao. "You aren't such a righteous person. Just admit your faults like the rest of us."

"… and the fact that Liu Chan is in the game," continued Liu Bei, ignoring the criticism. "If they're going to alter the story, they may as well have Zhuge Liang take over the kingdom of Shu like I told him to. Also, Zhao Yun should be glorified more."

"What?" cried everyone.

Liu Bei began defensively, "Well, he is the greatest—"

"Oh, just shut up Liu Bei," snapped Cao Cao. "What's the next question?"

"Wait," said Guan Yu. "We haven't had our say about the worst aspect of the game. I dislike the corny stories provided for us. The voice acting doesn't help."

Zhuge Liang nodded. "I am in agreement with you on this. Also I agree with our lord about Liu Chan being in the game."

"All right, next question…" said Liu Bei. "'What is the best aspect of the game'? Everyone?" He looked around at his officers. All, simultaneously, shouted, "Shu bias!"

"Damn Shuists!" snarled everyone else.

"The best aspect is the addition of certain new officers," declared Cao Pi, smirking.

"I'm beginning to wonder about that…" Cao Cao looked dubiously at his son, who was dangerously cooler than him.

Pang Tong spoke up. "Actually, I would argue against Zhuge Liang and Guan Yu. I'd say the best aspect is the corny storyline mode. Fans'll go wild over it. They don't really want Three Kingdoms the novel, and they certainly don't want a history lesson; they want entertainment. That's what the over-the-top storyline mode is for."

Zhuge Liang frowned at him. "You only like it because you end up a more likeable fellow than you were in the novel."

"Well… I can't deny that." The ragged little man shrugged. "It helps that a certain colleague of mine isn't being deified beyond imagination."

"I haven't the slightest idea what you mean," said Zhuge Liang.

Wei Yan growled out, "Best… aspect… fight!"

"Ah…" Liu Bei's eyebrows shifted as he tried to interpret this.

"'Fight'?" repeated Cao Cao. "What is the savage trying to say?"

Pang Tong translated: "Best aspect's the fighting, as it always is. Let's the player feel like an ultimate warrior."

"Yes…" agreed Wei Yan.

"I like the fact that we women get to play an active role," declared Yue Ying. "It could be better – we're still just shadows to our respective spouses – but at least we're not overlooked entirely. In the novel, I wasn't even mentioned until after I was dead!"

Cao Cao cast a lewd glance at the Qiaos. "I think we should be able to capture the women and—"

"Care to finish that remark?" snapped Shang Xiang, aiming her bow.

"… bronze bird pavilion. 'Nuff said."

Before Cao Cao could get mutilated by the women, Zhang Liao spoke up. "The best aspect is the reduction of the fog. I was so tired of not being able to see around the battlefield. Also, people don't just randomly pop in and out of existence, which is a refreshing change."

Liu Bei scribbled down everyone's answers. "All right, next the more personal questions… we'll go through one person at a time. Who wants to be first?"

"Me!" cried many voices at once.

"Er… all right," said Liu Bei, "we'll draw names from a hat. And the first person is…" He drew a name. "… Guo Jia?"

A general feeling of perplexity settled over the room. "Who?"

"Did he make it in this time?" asked Liu Bei.

Guo Jia, who had been skulking around at the back, grumbled, "No…"

Sun Ce, finally noticing him, exclaimed, "So what are ya doing here? Get out!"

"No!" objected Cao Cao. "Let him stay!"

Liu Bei shook his head. "I'm sorry, but this questionnaire is only for those of us who made it into the game…" Guo Jia was dragged out. "The next person is Zhou Yu. Zhou Yu, what do you think of your character? What improvements could be made?"

"Oh, well…" Zhou Yu flushed crimson. "I think I'd rather write my answer down myself…"

Zhuge Liang had another composition ready. "I'll tell you what it is in a short rhym—"

Zhou Yu clapped a hand over his mouth. "I'm annoyed that my story mode has so much to do with my devotion to Sun Ce, all right? Sure, we're good friends, but it's clearly a set-up for yaoi fandom, just like Sima Yi's purple dress matching Zhang He's fruity outfit."

Sun Quan nodded understandingly. "All right, but would you rather have your story center around your jealousy of Zhuge Liang's talents and his taunting you to death?"

Zhou Yu grimaced. "It's a hard choice…" He glared murderously at Zhuge Liang.

Liu Bei, who was beginning to fear for his strategist's safety, requested, "Will you please release him?"

Zhou Yu only complied because Guan Yu and Zhang Fei were nearby, but he muttered in a warning tone to Zhuge Liang, "One word out of you, and your life is over."

Zhuge Liang knew perfectly well that he was safe with Zhang Fei and Guan Yu nearby, and only smiled – much to the irritation of Zhou Yu.

"Next question," said Liu Bei, "if future cuts to the cast are necessary, who should we eliminate? Not that I need to ask…"

"Zhuge Liang!" snarled Zhou Yu.

"I wonder how many people are going to give that answer…? All right, moving on, would you do a romantic scene with somebody?"

"I suppose so," said Zhou Yu.

Zhuge Liang turned to him and said, "The yaoi fans will be pleased to hear tha—"

"Shut up!" Zhou Yu's hand dropped to the hilt of his sword, but Zhuge Liang only arched his eyebrows and cast a quick glance towards Zhang Fei and Guan Yu. The Wu strategist gritted his teeth and growled, "With my wife, I would. A scene in good taste – romantic sunset, some nice music, maybe a kiss – nothing too risqué."

Sun Ce scowled critically at his friend. "Boring, dude!"

"If you want to strip in front of the camera for the fangirls, fine," retorted Zhou Yu, "but such a thing is beneath my dignity."

Sun Ce shrugged. "Heck, if it means I get to finally see some action in the game – and I'm not talking about the hack n' slash stuff – then hell yeah, I'll strip for the—"

"You will do no such thing," declared Sun Jian sternly. "The Sun family will retain its dignity!"

Sun Ce groaned. "Awww, Pop. Y'all are such prudes."

"I'm not," said the smirking Cao Pi. "I'll gladly do a tasteful sex scene with my beautiful wife."

"What!" cried Cao Cao.

"Don't look so alarmed, father," said his son. "Wei's popularity will soar."

"That's not what I'm talking about!" exclaimed Cao Cao. "Why you? What about me? Who do you think made the Bronze Bird Pavilion, eh? If anyone deserves a steamy sex scene—"

"Ugh, Cao Cao in a steamy sex scene…" Yue Ying looked ready to throw up. "I feel sick…"

Liu Bei cleared his throat. "Ahem! Ah, everyone… moving along… Next person is Zhuge Liang! So Kongming—"

"Gah, a steamy sex scene between Zhuge Liang and his wife… now that's disturbing!" exclaimed Cao Cao.

Zhuge Liang raised an eyebrow. "My wife is even more beautiful in the latest Dynasty Warriors than in the last one, or didn't you notice?"

Cao Cao appeared skeptical, then took a good, long look at Yue Ying. "You know… you're right… she isn't so bad actually… needs to show a little more skin, but really, if we peeled off that skirt—"

Yue Ying fitted an arrow to her bow.

"Now, now…" Liu Bei patted her shoulder. "That was actually a compliment from him, in a… derogatory sort of way, but… Give him the benefit of the doubt. He thinks you're lovely."

"Didn't we skip a question for Zhou Yu?" said Sima Yi.

Liu Bei glanced at the sheet. "Oh! You're quite right. Zhou Yu, if you had to endure fan-based websites pairing you up with another man, who would it be?"

"God," said the Wu strategist flatly.

Liu Bei blinked. "What?"

"If I have to answer, it might as well be God." Zhou Yu snickered to himself and added under his breath, "… let's see them manage that one."

"O….kay." Liu Bei wrote it down. "Now, Zhuge Liang, what is the worst aspect of the game?"

"The lack of strategy," replied the Shu Strategist.

"The best aspect?"

"The lack of Liu Chan as a playable character."

"Gods I hope he doesn't show up in the next game…" said Liu Bei. "How do you feel about your character?"

Zhuge Liang shrugged. "Dissatisfied. I don't get to devise any brilliant strategies and I fight with a feather fan. My lines are trite, my cinemas are corny, my ending is full of ridiculously overdone melodrama, and Sima Yi's musou is still more useful than mine."

Sima Yi smirked.

Liu Bei frowned. "What do you mean ridiculously overdone melodrama? I cried when I watched your ending…"

Zhuge Liang felt more embarrassed for his lord than he cared to show, and Cao Cao and Sima Yi snickered. Liu Bei ignored their amusement and asked, "What improvements could be made to your character?"

"If I must participate in battle, I think I should use magic alone, and it should reference the novel," said Zhuge Liang. "For example, maybe I could call the wind to use it to knock down my enemies, or perhaps I could shoot fire, since I use it so frequently in my ambushes. Sima Yi could have water as his element, since it proved so useful to him in Shangfang valley."

Sima Yi, who was as annoyed at having to fight with a feather fan as Zhuge Liang, remarked, "Hmm… not a bad idea, actually…"

Zhuge Liang continued, "It would be nice if Koei would let me have a bit of fun, too. Having me act calm and collected is all very well, but I do have a sense of humor. Perhaps they could include taunting – like the sort I used to exasperate Zhou Yu to death. Of course I can't kill the players, but I might anger them enough to get them to throw the controller. After they lost a battle to my team, I could send them a consolation gift… for example, bow armor if they were killed by arrows, or a speed scroll if they were killed while fleeing. Only a low-level item of course – just to rub salt into the wounds of their egos—

"Umm…" said Liu Bei, "I get the feeling that sort of thing wouldn't increase your popularity at all…"

"If they're playing for Wei or Wu, it is my duty to humiliate them into defeat."

"Wow," said Zhou Yu. "I hope Koei implements your suggestion just so I can see how much the players hate you for it."

"For instance," went on Zhuge Liang, "at Wu Zhang Plains, I might suggest to the player that we send Sima Yi a dress – oops! He's already wearing one."

Sima Yi snarled, "You bastard!"

Liu Bei queried in an undertone, "Are you trying to make everyone vote for your elimination?"

"That's the idea," said his strategist.

Liu Bei was impressed. "Well… good job so far." In a louder voice, he asked, "So, if future cuts to the cast are necessary—"

"Liu Chan."

"Right."

"Wha—? Wait a minute!" exclaimed Cao Cao. "Liu Chan's not in the game! As a playable character, anyway."

"His name is mentioned," said Liu Bei. "I want it out. Now Kongming, what about a romantic scene?"

"I'd prefer not to," said Zhuge Liang, "but maybe I'll bargain with Koei about it."

"If you had to endure fan-based websites pairing you with—"

"Just leave it blank. Anything I say is likely to be disregarded anyway."

"Right," said Liu Bei. "Next is Xiahou Dun..."

(A/N: Sorry, only got through Zhou Yu and Zhuge Liang. I might do some others, but that's all I have written just now. And to everyone who reviewed DW Jeopardy - thank you. Thank you very much! I really appreciate it.)