The Ersatz Elevator
(Scene: Dark Avenue.)
(Mr. Poe, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny are flying on a magic cloud of fairy dust down Dark Avenue.)
Mr. Poe: Stop! This is it.
Violet: (looking at doors)Wow! Look how big those are!
Klaus: (looking at random girl) Tell me about it!
Sunny: (looking at her Taco Bell Quesidillas) They sure are a whopping good size!
(The doors turn into a man.)
Man: Hello.
Mr. Poe: You must be the doorman.
Man: No, I'm the mandoor. Gosh! (He runs away flashing Mr. Poe.)
Mr. Poe: Ok, you people have got to stop that!
(Another man appears in the doorway.)
Man: (in Donald Duck voice) I'm the doorman.
Mr. Poe …
Violet: …
Klaus: …
Charles Dickens: …
Albert Einstein: …
Sunny: (eating quesidilla) Darn! I just got cheese on my new bra!
Mr. Poe: …
Violet: …
Klaus: …
Sunny: What?
( … )
Sunny: Ok, you guys are freaking me out here.
(Scene: The Stairs.)
Violet: Ouch, my feet hurt from walking so far.
Klaus: Hey, anybody have any idea how we transitioned into this scene?
Sunny: Darn cheesy bra!
(Scene: The Top Floor.)
(Violet knocks on the door.)
Door: …
(Violet knocks rings the doorbell.)
Door: …
(Violet pulls out a hammer and breaks down the door.)
Door: Ouch.
(Scene: The Penthouse Apartment.)
Violet: Hello! I just broke your door! I hope you're not mad!
Jerome: Oh, that's ok, honey! We'll just sue you for trespassing that's all! Now I'll offer you a martini and wait for you to be confused until telling you its non-alcoholic.
(Esme enters.)
Esme: Oh that's ok, Jerome! It happens with elk all the time!
Klaus: Elk? How could elk get up here?
Jerome: She's pretending to be Sarah Palin.
Violet: Why?
Esme: Because female governors are in!
(Violet, Klaus and Sunny smack their hands to their foreheads.)
(Olaf enters enters in furry pink suit.)
Olaf: Oh, hello, I'm the Pink Panther.
Esme: I LOVE YOU!
(Esme starts weirdly humping Olaf.)
Esme: Go eat at a crappy fish restaurant, kids!
Sunny: Anything besides Taco Bell! Darn cheesy bra!
(Scene: Fish da Bomb, a crappy fish restaurant.)
Violet: This food sucks.
Klaus: It is so digusting!
Sunny: Ugh! There's a fish in a bra!
Jerome: This food tastes like blood!
Violet: …
Klaus: …
Waiter: …
Sunny: Darn fishy bra!
(Scene: The Penthouse.)
Violet: Alright, here's the deal, Olaf has got to have the Queermires hogged up here somewhere.
Klaus: I like how you used 'hog' in a verb tense.
Violet: Thank you. Now we're going to use this toilet paper roll to climb down to the bottom of the second elevator shaft to see if they're there.
Toilet Paper Roll: Glad to be of service.
(Scene: Elevator Shaft.)
Violet: Ugh! Why does this toilet paper feel weird?
Klaus: It's used! We climbing used toilet paper!
Sunny: Darn! I got used toilet paper stuck in my bra!
Toilet Paper Roll: Glad to be of service.
Violet: …
Klaus: …
Sunny: Darn poopy bra!
(Scene: The Bottom of the Elevator Shaft.)
Violet: Look! It's the Queermires!
Isadora: Oh Hello Klaus! You iz coot!
Klaus: Trust me, I know.
Duncan: Um, guys, if you haven't noticed, we're in a cage.
Sunny: Ah, screw it all. Let's get the heck outta here.
(Scene: The Penthouse.)
Violet: We need to get them out of that cage.
Klaus: Here! We can use these plungers to suck up the cage.
Sunny: You've got to be kidding me. That thing doesn't even fit in my bra!
Klaus: Sure it does!
(Klaus sticks the plunger in Sunny's bra.)
Sunny: Darn plunger bra!
(Scene: The Bottom of the Elevator Shaft.)
Violet: They're gone.
Klaus: Oh no!
Sunny: Aw, screw it.
(Sunny drops the plunger and starts climbing the used toilet paper roll.)
(Scene: The Penthouse.)
Klaus: Let's look in the catalog at the In Auction to see if they might be there.
(Klaus reads the In Auction catalog.)
Klaus: Look! It says V.F.D.!
Esme: Yes, it does! Um…(looks through script) sugar bowl….Beatrice….aw forget it. Just go jump down the elevator shaft kiddos. Then there's two pages of black.
Sunny: That's racist.
(Scene: The Bottom of the Elevator Shaft.)
Violet: Look! A not-so-secret trapdoor!
(Scene: The Not-So-Secret Passageway.)
Violet: What's on the floor?
Klaus: Ew! There are rats on the floor!
Sunny: Ugh! There's a rat in my bra!
Violet: …
Klaus: …
Sunny: Darn ratty bra!
(Scene: The Baudelaire Mansion.)
Violet: It's our house.
Klaus: It's in ashes.
Sunny: Darn ashy bra!
(Scene: Velban Hall.)
(The Baudelaires run up to Mr. Poe and Jerome.)
Violet: Jerome! We want lot #50 really bad! Can you buy it?
Jerome: Sure.
Olaf: And lot #50 is twin prostitutes!
Jerome: …
Mr. Poe: …
Esme: …
Violet: Oh no! He's selling them as prostitutes!
Klaus: We have to save them!
Sunny: Ugh! You can't be serious! There's a prostitute in my bra!
Jerome: …
Mr. Poe: …
Esme: …
Violet: …
Klaus: …
(Olaf and Esme take the Queermires and run.)
Violet & Klaus: Oh no!
Jerome: Sorry kids, you're on your own.
Mr. Poe: Hmm… I feel like some Japanese. I think I'll pretend to call the police and order some.
Violet: Now what will we do?
Klaus: Look! There's a crow foreshadowing the next book!
Sunny: Darn cheesy fishy poopy ratty ashy crowy plunger prostitute bra!