Title: Teach Me To Love You

Fandom: Naruto

Pairing: KakashixIruka

Rating: T for now, will go up

Summary: Kakashi had never been anything else than what had been expected of him. And nobody had ever expected him to be human. So how could Iruka even want to be near him? How could he say he loved him?

Spoilers: Spoilers for Kakashi Gaiden and very slight ones for the events before the time-skip.

Status: Chapter 1 of ?

Disclaimer: Don't own.

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AN1:

My muse for this story was my friend Laoighaire who fed me with ideas and suggestions for multiple parts of it. Thanks a jolly lot once again and I hope you like the way it all turned out.

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Teach Me To Love You

by nayru-kleinefee

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Chapter 1 – Do you wish it was a dream?

Kakashi awoke sound- and motionlessly, as always. He found that he couldn't remember falling asleep and that was a bad sign, always. Eyes still closed and faking to be still sleeping, he tried to figure where he was by carefully extending his chakra, but had to find that he couldn't use it – even worse sign. So he probably had been captured somehow and then caged in something chakra-suppressing and-

"You're awake", a soft voice on his left side said, startling him a little.

"Iruka-sensei?", the Jounin asked in disbelief and quickly opened his eye not hidden by his hitai-ate. He caught sight of the Chuunin sitting next to him.

"Yes, Kakashi-sensei." Iruka smiled down on him sadly.

"Where are we?" They had been in the mission room, he could remember now. Had they been captured? Maybe taken hostage by some infiltrators inside the village?

"We're in my bedroom." Iruka looked down at his hands.

"In your… Why am I here?" Kakashi tried to move and sit up only to find that his arms and legs were tied securely to the bed he was lying on. Again, he tried to accumulate his chakra to free himself but failed.

"You're here because I'm weak", he heard Iruka whisper.

"Weak?", Kakashi asked and struggled against the ropes binding him. "Why-"

"I cast a jutsu on you when you were distracted earlier", the Chuunin interrupted him softly, his head turned away and his eyes looking out of the window of the bedroom and into the night. "You fell unconscious and I sealed your chakra and then brought you here."

"You… you sealed my chakra?", the Copy-nin gasped. "Why?" Was the Chuunin a traitor? A spy for Sound maybe even? But… Naruto's beloved Iruka-sensei?!

"Don't worry. The seal will vanish in the morning. As will the binds."

"But… but why did you do this?"

He saw Iruka smile again, a smile so full of deepest sadness and despair that it made the Jounin's chest constrict. "Because I want to know how it feels."

"How… how it feels?", Kakashi whispered. "What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry, Kakashi-sensei." Iruka shook his head. "I'm sorry for being weak." He stood up from the bed and closed the window's curtains, then shed his Chuunin vest and weapon pouch before he sat down again.

"Iruka", Kakashi started, "please tell m-"

"Please don't call me that", the Chuunin interrupted him. "I don't think I can stand that." He lay down on the bed next to the Copy-nin and placed his head on his chest. "Please don't speak anymore, Kakashi-sensei", he whispered pleadingly. "Tomorrow you can hate me and despise me and even hurt me if you want, I don't care. But tonight… please just… just be here…"

"But… but…" Kakashi frowned deeply while annoyance pushed away the confusion inside him. "What the hell happened here?", he demanded and tried to wriggle free from under the Chuunin. In his position he wouldn't be able to defend himself at all if Iruka lay on him like that.

"I love you", Iruka whispered back. "I'm sorry."

"Wh-what?", the Copy-nin stammered in utter surprise and stopped his struggling.

"I can't help it." Iruka shook his head against his chest. "I can't help it, Kakashi-sensei. I tried to ignore it for so long by now and when Naruto was still here, it kind of worked, because he… he's so loveable, you know. So… so wonderfully annoying and… But… but since he left with Jiraiya-sama… I feel so empty since he's not here anymore. And it became harder and harder to deny that I want you to be with me… so very much…"

Kakashi swallowed hard. He didn't want to be reminded of what had happened to his Genin team, it still hurt too much to think about how he had failed them. And hearing the pain in the Chuunin's voice made something inside him cramp. He'd always seen Iruka as a colleague, as somebody who cared about his team and wanted to protect them just like he did, and it just wasn't right to see him suffer.

"And when you were with me in the mission room today", Iruka whispered, "and when you looked so sad suddenly when you told me about Sakura's progress with Tsunade-sama… I don't know what I thought then, maybe I didn't think at all, but I just cast the jutsu and took you here and… and… I don't know. But maybe it's better like this. I know it will hurt to know how it is to be near you and that it will hurt to know that you hate me now instead of only being indifferent, but… but maybe it's better than hoping."

"Iruka", Kakashi started, but then he didn't know what to say.

"Please, Kakashi-sensei." The Chuunin's fingers dag into his shirt. "Please don't call me that. It would just make me hope again and… and I think that's more than I could take. Please, I promise that I won't do anything indecent, or at least nothing more indecent than what I've done already." He laughed humourlessly. "Nothing will happen, I promise, Kakashi-sensei, and tomorrow I will accept anything you want to punish me with. But… but tonight just let me pretend that you're here because you want to and that you don't hate me."

Kakashi just lay there without moving. He didn't know what to say, how to react. Never had anybody told him that he was loved, never. Never had anybody said something as confusing, as… foreign to him as Iruka had just then. And he… he had always been shinobi, a killer, a machine to serve his village. He had never been anything else, anything of what the Chuunin seemed to see in him. He couldn't understand how Iruka could even think of caring about him.

When he heard Iruka's breathing even out slowly, Kakashi couldn't help but wonder how it was possible for the Chuunin to sleep next to a complete stranger, to a dangerous man such as him. He himself had never been able to sleep well beside other persons, not even when on a mission and with separate sleeping bags and weapons within arm's reach. And ever since his Genin team had been separated from him, he hadn't been able to sleep well at all, had only been able to sleep for a few hours in a row until the guilt and shame had found him and haunted his dreams.

Mulling these thoughts over in his head, Kakashi felt his eyes close and himself drift off.

--

He awoke when a strip of sunlight fell through an opening between the curtains right into his uncovered eye. He moved his right arm from above his head, wondering why it felt quite stiff, then wanted to do the same with his left when he suddenly noticed a warm weight on his left side and turned his head quickly. When he caught sight of long, brown hair fanned over his chest, the events of the evening before came crashing down on him.

And something else, too.

He'd slept. For a whole night.

Kakashi's eyes widened. How was that possible?! He hadn't really slept through a night for years. And he had been captured furthermore. Why had he slept like this just that night? Why-

"I expected you to be gone the moment you wake up", Iruka whispered softly. "But I take it you decided to punish me for what I did then."

Kakashi didn't answer. He had slept next to a man who had first cast a jutsu on him, then kidnapped and bound him and then even sealed his chakra. And that while he didn't even sleep for more than two or three hours in a row alone in his own bed with every door and window locked and trapped, not even after week-long missions. So why had he slept?

"Not talking to me is a good way to take revenge on me", Iruka whispered. "You truly are a genius, Kakashi-sensei." He turned his body around until his back was directed at the Jounin, then curled up into a ball. "It hurts."

"Did… did I sleep?", Kakashi murmured.

"You did when I woke up." He heard Iruka swallow hard. "I could almost pretend that you were here because you wanted to."

"And… you slept, too? Next to me?"

"I promised that I wouldn't do anything indecent, Kakashi-sensei."

"But… but how could you?" How could anybody sleep next to someone like him? Next to someone who had the blood of so many people on his hands? Someone who meant death and violence and nothing else?

"I can only apologise again for what I did, Kakashi-sensei. And as I said, you're free to do with me whatever you want now."

"No, I mean… How could you sleep next to me?" Kakashi sat up on the bed and looked at the visible side of the Chuunin's face. Iruka was completely vulnerable like this. With his back towards him, he wouldn't be able to defend himself against whatever he decided to do to him.

"It… it felt good", Iruka whispered. "I haven't felt this warm in years." A tear ran from his eye over his cheek.

Kakashi fled.

-- -- --

Kakashi walked through the streets in a daze. He didn't take any notice of his surroundings, didn't even know where he was going. All he could think of was a single tear running over smooth, tanned skin.

'Bury your emotions deep within you. A shinobi doesn't need emotions.'

His father had said that to him, every day at least once. And Kakashi had obeyed, just as he had always obeyed, had hidden his emotions under blood, violence and death until he had been sure that there hadn't been anything left.

'A shinobi doesn't need emotions.'

His shell had cracked here and there over the years. Some persons had been able to crack it a little – his sensei, his team-mates, his Genin team. But they all were dead now or had left him. And the cracks had closed themselves again, leaving his shell thicker than before. He'd been grateful for it.

'A shinobi doesn't need emotions.'

But Iruka had them. The Chuunin was full of emotions, Kakashi knew that. He'd seen him laugh with his students, fume in outrage at everybody daring to challenge him, cry with those who had lost someone precious to them. He'd seen him cry this morning for himself even, something Kakashi hadn't allowed himself to do ever. And if the Chuunin had said the truth the evening before, he even allowed himself to love.

'A shinobi doesn't need emotions.'

A shinobi didn't need love, Kakashi knew that. A shinobi needed strength, determination and loyalty. A shinobi didn't need love. Love would hinder the tool's efficiency, would maybe even get in conflict with its loyalty. A shinobi didn't need love.

But what if he wanted it? Was a shinobi allowed to want love? Was he allowed to let himself be loved, to love back? Was he allowed to risk his ability to be just a tool, to decrease his use for his village? Or what if a shinobi just loved, just like Iruka did, without asking for permission? What if he just did it and then… and then what?

What happened to a shinobi who allowed himself to love?

-- -- --

"Hatake! In here!", Tsunade's voice boomed towards him when he entered the Hokage Tower around lunchtime after hours and hours of aimless wandering and thinking.

"Yes, Hokage-sama", Kakashi murmured and followed her into her office. She seemed to be pissed at him for some reason and he had the distinct feeling that he could tell why if he just could get his thoughts together.

"Your report", Tsunade growled the moment she sat down on her chair.

Oh, right. He had been on his way to hand it in to her the last evening. But then he'd seen Iruka sitting alone in the mission room and the Chuunin had looked so lost and lonely, and Kakashi had decided to go and tell him about Sakura's progress to cheer him up first before delivering his report. He didn't know why he'd wanted to do that though, it had just seemed to be a good thing to do and-

"Well?", Tsunade growled, sounding even angrier than before.

"You see…", Kakashi started when a soft knock on the door interrupted him. Then the door opened and revealed Iruka carrying a stack of papers.

"I'm sorry for interrupting, Tsunade-sama", the Chuunin said and smiled apologetically. "But Shizune-san sends me to bring you these papers to sign and-" He gasped and fell silent the moment he caught sight of the Copy-nin.

"It's fine, Iruka-sensei." The Sannin waved at him to come closer. "I'm only just about to give that lazy Jounin over there a piece of my mind for handing in his reports late. I can sign the papers while I do that."

"Oh, I…" Iruka's eyes darted from her to Kakashi and back again. "I think I better come back later and… and…"

"No, just stay here, Iruka-sensei." Tsunade waved again. "Let him just see how much people who know their duty work."

Kakashi saw Iruka flinch so much it had to be painful. "Yes, Tsunade-sama", he whispered and handed her the papers, then stood there, his eyes on the ground and his hands balled to fists so hard that the knuckles were white.

"So, Kakashi-kun", the Sannin drawled while she read and signed the papers. "Why didn't I get a report from you yesterday?"

"Well, you see…" Kakashi looked at Iruka, seeing the Chuunin shake violently. And it didn't seem right to see Iruka suffer. The Copy-nin had always associated him with a world foreign to him but still somehow soothing to see, with laughter, gentleness and care, with smiles and affection and much, much ramen for the child nobody else wanted. Iruka smiled, he always smiled, and he should always smile. He shouldn't look so broken and sad like he did now. And Kakashi didn't want the gentle Chuunin to get into trouble since he hadn't harmed anybody with what he'd done. But he also couldn't lie to his Hokage about shinobi matters, could he?

"Yes?", Tsunade growled.

"Well, you see…" Kakashi frowned in concentration, but then showed her the bright, mask-covered smile he always used to annoy people who came too close to him when he found the perfect explanation suddenly. "I fell unconscious in the mission room yesterday evening and Iruka-sensei took me to his apartment and let me sleep there." That wasn't even a lie, right? Nobody could accuse him for telling the truth. And like that, Iruka wouldn't get in trouble at all and he could-

Iruka's body started to shake even more, his hands trembled and his eyes screwed shut.

Kakashi's eyes widened in shock. He hadn't meant to do that. He had wanted to reassure the Chuunin, to show that he didn't want to punish him and wasn't angry for what he'd done. After all, Iruka hadn't harmed him or done anything bad or-

"And you think that I believe that?!", Tsunade shouted suddenly. "And don't you dare to involve Iruka-sensei or anybody else into your lies, Hatake!"

"Ho-Hokage-sama", Iruka whispered, "Hokage-sama, I…"

"I know, Iruka-sensei." The Sannin sighed. "Don't be afraid that I would believe him."

"But Hokage-sama, I-"

"Pakkun ate my report", Kakashi interrupted him, just to not have to see him hurt anymore. "I only had canned dog food for him left and he doesn't like that, you see, and that's why-"

"Out!", Tsunade shouted. "Out! And you will hand in your report to Iruka-sensei until this evening, do you hear me?!"

Kakashi hurried out of the room and a little down the hallway, then leaned against a wall and waited impatiently. It didn't take long until Iruka left the Hokage's office.

"Yo", Kakashi greeted, hoping that he could talk with him and maybe find answers.

"You're a cruel man, Kakashi-sensei", Iruka whispered and swallowed hard. "But I know I deserve it. If you know something better than reporting me to Tsunade-sama, then punish me as you see fit." Then he walked away towards the mission room.

Kakashi looked at his retreating form, wondering how everything he did seemed to hurt the Chuunin although he never intended to do that.

-- -- --

Kakashi crouched in a tree in front of the window to Iruka's living room, unsure whether he should knock at the glass and try to talk with the Chuunin. He desperately needed answers for all the questions spinning around in his head, but everything he said or did seemed to hurt Iruka, and he didn't want that.

The sound of a window opening made him look up and he saw Iruka stand in front of him, the Chuunin's eyes sad and slightly red. "Would you like to come in?", he whispered.

"If I may", Kakashi answered hesitantly. Iruka didn't look as if he would like that.

"It's not that I have any right to deny it to you." Iruka just turned around and sat down on a couch.

"Thank you." The Copy-nin jumped from the tree onto the broad windowsill, then shed his shoes and hopped down to the floor before he closed the window behind himself. "I brought my mission report."

"Thanks for your hard work", Iruka whispered and took the paper.

"And I… and I wanted to talk with you." Kakashi looked around and finally settled down on the low couch table. The Chuunin's apartment looked like Iruka himself, he noticed. It was full of pictures and things that looked as if children had made them, books were lying everywhere and even a half-finished puzzle on a table, and the walls had a warm, sand-like colour. Even the few pieces of furniture looked well-worn and comfortable.

"I thought so." Iruka looked down at his hands.

"I… you know, I…" Kakashi searched for the words to express his confusion but didn't find them. "I wanted… you know, I was… I was wondering how you could seal my chakra." He didn't want to know that, he couldn't care less about it, but it was the only thing he could form the words to ask about. And that confused him even more.

"Would you like me to show you?", Iruka asked.

"Yes, please." And then explain everything? Explain why he felt so confused now although nothing had happened, nothing to be considered serious or important? Or at least he guessed so. And then explain why it was so hard to understand this although he always understood everything? And why he couldn't see what was underneath all this?

"Alright." The Chuunin took a deep breath, then waited until Kakashi had lifted his hitai-ate to reveal his Sharingan eye and slowly formed seals, accumulating chakra in his hands. "See? And now you just have to touch the person whose chakra you want to seal."

"Did you invent that yourself?", Kakashi asked while he hid his eye again.

"Yes, me and Anko."

"May I try?"

"Yes." Iruka swallowed, then stood up and walked over to the Copy-nin. He watched how Kakashi stood up and formed the seals, then reached out with his hand until their fingers touched. Immediately, the Jounin could feel the other's chakra decrease until it became completely undetectable.

"Amazing", he whispered in honest admiration. This jutsu spoke of true genius. It took a very small amount of chakra, was hard to detect, fast to use and of immediate success.

"And n-now?", Iruka asked, his hands shaking. "What do you want to do with me now?"

"What do you mean?", Kakashi asked in confusion, then gasped when he realised what the Chuunin had meant. "Iruka-sensei, I'm not here to hurt you!"

"Not?" Iruka smiled bitterly. "You do a pretty good job though."

"But I didn't intend to do that. And I didn't want it earlier either." Kakashi made a step forward, but the Chuunin shied back instantly. "Iruka-sensei, I'm sorry."

"What for?", Iruka laughed humourlessly. "It's not that you were weak yesterday."

"I'm sorry", Kakashi repeated, not exactly sure what it was he felt sorry for. "I will better leave now. Will the jutsu vanish until tomorrow morning?"

"Yes", Iruka whispered. "The jutsu will."

-- -- --

Kakashi stood in front of the Memorial Stone the next morning, even more confused than the day before. He hadn't slept much the last night, he'd closed his eyes and instantly been haunted by nightmares that had had him waking up thrashing despite his years and years of shinobi training not to do so. He couldn't remember what he'd dreamed of though, just that it had been horrible. And when the morning had dawned, he'd felt the overwhelming desire to go and make sure that Iruka was alright. So he'd dressed hurriedly and had run through the still sleeping town towards the Chuunin's apartment. And when he'd caught a glimpse of Iruka sleeping safe and sound in his bed, he'd felt so relieved that it had made him dizzy.

And confused him even more.

"What a mess I am", he whispered softly and let his eyes trail over the names engraved in the black stone. "What's happening with me?"

Whatever his deceased companions thought, they didn't tell.

--

Kakashi somehow made it through the day without hurting Iruka. He in fact made it through the day like that because he didn't allow himself to see the Chuunin. Thinking of him, however, was a completely different matter.

--

By the time the sun set, the Copy-nin was pacing the street two blocks from Iruka's apartment house for the fifth time. He wanted to go and check on the Chuunin, he wanted to go and finally talk with him about what was confusing him. But he didn't want to hurt him again.

--

Around midnight, Kakashi finally found the courage to climb up the tree in front of Iruka's window again. He would just take a short look at the Chuunin and then go home again and try to get some sleep. And he would never again think about why he had been able to sleep for hours when with the Chuunin and not think about why he had to be sure about him being safe suddenly and not-

The window opened and Iruka looked at him, dressed in a large t-shirt and a pair of boxers, his hair open and tousled. "Would you like to come in, Kakashi-sensei?", he whispered, his voice sounding almost defeated.

"I…" Kakashi blinked. "I would like to… I…"

"Yes?", the Chuunin murmured.

"I…" Kakashi frowned, unsure what it was he wanted exactly. There was something he wanted, something that he'd never wanted before and that confused him. Something that he knew he shouldn't want but still wanted even more, and therefore he couldn't stop himself when he felt his mouth open.

"I would like to sleep with you." The Copy-nin flinched when the words left his mouth without his permission.

Iruka first gasped, then closed his eyes. "Please, Kakashi-sensei", he whispered. "I know I said that you could do anything you want with me, but please don't demand that from me. Please don't force me to have sex with you, I don't think I could stand that."

"No, I didn't mean that!", Kakashi assured hastily. "I wasn't thinking of that! I just… I just… I want to sleep here again." He hadn't realised how much, in fact, until he found himself saying it out loud now.

"Why?", Iruka whispered.

"Because… because I slept here." The Jounin took a deep breath. "I haven't slept like that in years, not ever probably. And I want to know if it will happen again. I'm sorry if I hurt you again with asking for this. If that's the case, I will leave immediately."

He saw Iruka blink. "You just… you want to sleep here?"

"Yes. Just like two nights ago. And only if it's alright for you", Kakashi assured.

"And you would leave if I asked you to?"

"Yes. I never intended to hurt you, Iruka-sensei. What you did… it confuses me, but I never thought of hurting you for it."

"It… confuses you?" Iruka looked at him in disbelief. "You mean it doesn't… disgust you? I don't disgust you?"

"No." Kakashi shook his head. "You just confuse me." Like now. Why should the Chuunin disgust him? It should rather be the other way around.

Iruka blinked, then he suddenly started to laugh. "God, what a mess", he gasped, "what a stupid mess." He shook his head, still laughing, and then started to sob suddenly. "Wh-what a m-mess."

"Iruka-sensei", Kakashi gasped, jumped into the room and hurried to his side. "Iruka-sensei, what's wrong?" Was he hurt? Injured? Poisoned maybe?

"Everything", the Chuunin sobbed. "God, everything's s-so wrong and I… I can't…"

"Do you want me to leave?", Kakashi asked softly while he hesitantly moved his hand to stroke the other's back, careful not to come too close to the spine being the most vulnerable part not to seem trying to harm him. "Am I hurting you again?"

"Yes", Iruka gasped. "You're hurting me. But please don't leave."

"I don't understand that." Kakashi frowned and then slowly leaned forward to wrap his arms around the Chuunin like he had seen Iruka do it with some of his students sometimes. It had always seemed to work. "I don't understand."

"Me neither", Iruka whispered and placed his head on the Jounin's shoulder. "I don't understand this and I don't understand you and I don't understand myself anymore."

"Do you want me to leave?", Kakashi asked again although he felt that he desperately wanted to stay. He wasn't sure why though, because he was everything but comfortable right now. In his current position with the Chuunin in his arms, he wouldn't be able to defend himself properly. And, furthermore, he was quite sure that Iruka wasn't well because he was baring his throat and neck to him openly. And that was nothing if not dangerous. Kakashi could think of thirty-three ways to kill him and he wouldn't even need a weapon for any of them.

"No." Iruka shook his head. "Stay here tonight and let us sleep just like two nights ago. I don't want to think about anything right now."

Kakashi nodded. Not thinking sounded good.

-- -- --

When Kakashi awoke the next morning, he found himself spooned up against a still sleeping Iruka. Resisting the sudden urge to run somewhere safe and instead closing his eyes again, the Jounin tried to figure out what it was he was experiencing at that moment.

He felt unease because of his reduced possibilities to move, but that wasn't even the strongest sensation. There was wonder, wonder why Iruka slept soundly next to him although he could kill the Chuunin easily, although there weren't any weapons for him to defend himself against the shinobi, the killer next to him. And there also was relief, relief that he'd again slept without disturbance. And warmth, not only from Iruka's body beside him but also a little from within himself. Maybe. And something else… something like… something like wonder and relief and warmth, but different in many ways. But he wasn't able to name it.

"I don't know…", he whispered absentmindedly, then regretted it immediately when Iruka started to stir and squirm.

"Kakashi-sensei?", he whispered without opening his eyes.

"Yes?", Kakashi answered, steeling himself in case the Chuunin would attack. It wasn't the nicest thing to wake up with a killer pressed against your back.

"So it wasn't a dream." Iruka sighed. "I was almost sure. Real life's not that… surreal. Normally, I mean."

"Do you wish it was a dream?"

"Do you?"

Kakashi thought about that. "I'm not sure."

"Me neither." Iruka sighed. "Do you hate me, Kakashi-sensei?"

"No." The Jounin shook his head. "I have no reason to hate you." The Chuunin had neither tried to kill or harm him nor to betray the village. So he had no reason to hold a grudge against him. And hatred… he wasn't even sure how that felt.

"Then I'm quite sure that I don't want everything to be a dream." Iruka turned until he lay on his back and opened his eyes. "But it's still weird to have you here again. I was so sure you would never…" He shook his head.

"I slept again", Kakashi told him. "I didn't even wake once." He frowned a little when he saw the other open himself for any attack again. Iruka was a Chuunin, how was it possible that he didn't see the danger he was in?

"That's good." Iruka smiled up at the ceiling, soft, gentle and sad. "And now?"

"I don't know." Kakashi sighed and turned until he also lay on his back, body tense and senses still on high alert. "Iruka-sensei?"

"Yes?"

"You said that you love me. Is that true?" Maybe that was the reason why he didn't take any measures to defend himself?

"Yes." The Chuunin closed his eyes.

"Why?" Love had to be dangerous if it even made you close your eyes while lying next to a killer who knew fifty-eight ways to kill you without a sound in less than five seconds.

Iruka laughed softly. "I don't know. I just do it."

"Can't you explain it to me?" Why people wanted it although it was dangerous. Why anybody even took those unnecessary risks. Why people thought it was worth to risk getting hurt or betrayed or maybe even killed because love seemed to make vulnerable.

"You can't explain love, Kakashi-sensei. It's just… everything I feel when you're with me or when I think of you." Iruka sighed. "I wish I could explain it better."

"Oh." Kakashi frowned. But how was he supposed to understand it if the Chuunin couldn't explain it to him? How was he supposed to understand how Iruka could be a shinobi and still love, and love someone like him furthermore? And he wanted to understand it, wanted it desperately, wanted to know if a shinobi was able to have emotions.

"Can you…" Kakashi fell silent. He wasn't sure if he could say it. Saying it would expose him to the danger of opening to Iruka like the Chuunin did to him, and therefore of maybe getting attacked by him when he wasn't able to defend himself. Saying it would also mean to accept that he might have been wrong all of his life. Saying it would mean to betray his duty towards his village, at least a little. Saying it would mean to change, and every change he'd ever experienced in his life hadn't been for the better.

"Can I?", Iruka whispered and opened his eyes again, then turned his head towards him. "What is it, Kakashi-sensei?"

But if he said it now and took the risk… Was there a possibility that his life could change for the better? That Iruka could help him to become human? Maybe being human meant taking unnecessary risks. Maybe being human meant to open, to… to trust. He had never trusted anybody except himself. Shinobi didn't trust when it wasn't strictly necessary, and if they did, then only in another's abilities. But shinobi fought alone.

But maybe humans didn't? Maybe being human meant to trust and to love and to… to not be alone? He'd always been alone, his whole life, and he had never minded. And he had never thought about it. Being alone had been just the way his life had been, he had never understood why other people searched company. Company meant danger, vulnerability. And love meant that, too, he guessed.

Kakashi turned his head and looked into Iruka's deep, brown eyes regarding him with slight worry. And the Chuunin still just lay there, no sign of readiness to defend, no sign of awareness of the danger Kakashi meant. The Copy-nin wasn't sure why Iruka did this, but he knew that the Chuunin wasn't stupid or reckless. So that meant that he… trusted him? Although he was a killer?

"Do you trust me not to harm you?", Kakashi whispered, strangely afraid to talk out loud and shatter this… this thing, this whatever was happening at the moment. It seemed fragile.

"You said you wouldn't", Iruka whispered back. "Why should you lie to me?"

Yes, he'd said that. But the Chuunin couldn't be sure that he'd meant it, and still… And he'd already trusted him not to harm him after their first night in his bed. Kakashi could have easily killed him the moment he had woken up, and still Iruka had trusted him not to.

Maybe that was the reason why he'd been able to sleep next to the Chuunin? Because Iruka had trusted him and let his guard down completely? Maybe he had just needed that? And maybe he could have that again if he just let himself become human? If he let Iruka love him and… and…

"Iruka-sensei?"

"Yes?"

"Can you…" Kakashi swallowed. "Can you teach me to love you?"

"Can… I…" Iruka gasped. "What… what do you mean?"

"I don't know how", Kakashi whispered. "I've never loved. Because shinobi aren't supposed to love. But you do it still, although you're shinobi, too. And I… and I want to know how it feels." He'd made his decision. His life had always been dark, full of duty and violence. He wanted it to change, he needed it to change. He hadn't known it before, but now he realised that he had been about to fade, had been about to vanish from this life, every day a little more, that he already was barely there anymore. And maybe Iruka could save him.

"You've never loved?", the Chuunin asked incredulously.

"I have always been shinobi." Kakashi closed his eyes although it took all of his willpower to take the risk connected with that. But he wanted to show Iruka that he was willing to trust and learn. He wanted to prove that to himself, too. "I've never been anything other than shinobi." And he just knew that Iruka was his one and only chance to change that.

"Kakashi-sensei, I…"

"Please", the Jounin whispered. "You say that you love me. If you're able to love a man like me who's not even human, then you can also teach me to love you back, can't you? Can you please try, Iruka-sensei? Please, I… I don't want to fade anymore."

"Oh, Kakashi", Iruka gasped. "I didn't know that." He reached out and embraced the Copy-nin gently. "I didn't know that you felt so lonely. I'm so sorry that I didn't see it."

"Will you try?", Kakashi asked softly and forced himself not to push him away although the closeness made his senses scream. "Will you try, Iruka?"

"Yes. Yes, Kakashi." The Chuunin tightened his embrace. "I will try. I will teach you."

"Thank you." Kakashi buried his face against his chest, ignoring his instincts that were screaming at him to get away, to bury himself behind traps and weapons and not change, not take the risk Iruka meant for him. "Thank you." But maybe he would learn how to love, how to live, how to make his life worth living. How to be human.

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tbc

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AN2:

I feel that I should explain some things that made me write this the way I did.

First of all, if you think that Kakashi is OOC in this, great, do that, your own choice. But this is just the way I truly believe he is. It's funny to write him aloof and cool and all that, but I think he is not like that. I believe that somebody forced to become a killer from the age of five on and then always being used as a tool for others simply can't know anything about human matters. I see Kakashi as somebody giving a hard, know-it-all appearance on the outside but being unsure about most social things on the inside. Taking in consideration that everybody who could have taught him anything had been shinobi, too, and left him at a young age, I can't see where he should have taken up anything about being a human. This is also the reason why I think Iruka is perfect for him. Iruka is warm, caring and loveable and he doesn't give a flying damn on the 'ignore your emotions'-rule. He's in my eyes the only one able to save Kakashi from becoming an empty shell completely after all that's been done to him.

So, to make things short, I completely accept your opinion if you think Kakashi is OOC, I just won't share it. I think the only way to write him OOC is to make him being indifferent towards his comrades and not letting him see teamwork as a priority. Other than that, given how little we know of him, everything is interpretable.

Nayru