The S-Factor

Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray-Man. That copyright belongs to Katsura Hoshino.

Warning: The following story contains crack! content that may not be appreciated by some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

Also, this story is set during the zombie arc, that is, chapters 159-164, or technically just after Bak cured them of the Komuvitamin D epidemic, but before everyone's other ailments wore off (i.e. Allen and Timcanpy have long hair, Bookman has rabbit ears and meows like a cat, as does Lenalee, and Lavi and Kanda are still chibified). Just so you know.

Allen frowned at the reflection that met him in the mirror. And for once, it had nothing to do with the amorphous shadow that ghosted his every glance in reflective surfaces—that shade that had been stalking his steps since the events in the Ark.

No, his frustration with his reflection had nothing to do with his second shadow and everything to do with his hair—his "moving the Science Department" fiasco-induced long hair.

It was a rat's nest.

He had taken out his ponytail for all of five minutes—hadn't even gone near any drafts or open windows—and his hair was now emulating a tumbleweed.

"How is this even possible...?" Allen mumbled to himself, not a little perturbed at his current predicament of having a massively tangled mane, which he was currently tugging at with a brush in a futile attempt to right the mess attached to his head.

Timcanpy, ever the little helper, was yanking at Allen's errant white locks with teeth and tiny hands, causing more pain and tangles than anything else.

"Ouch! Tim! Stop that!" Allen yelped, gripping his stinging scalp in a desperate attempt to soothe the flash of discomfort his golem's ministrations had caused.

The little gold ball jerked back in dejection, affronted by his adjunct-owner's orders. With a haughty flip of his new pigtails, Timcanpy spun about and pouted on a nearby ledge, his featureless face turned up and away in indignation.

"Aw, Tim..." Allen began, his marshmallow centre taking over as he saw that he had hurt the golem's feelings. "It's not like I don't appreciate the thought..."

But the golem was not moved, as he continued brooding on his high perch—too high for his master's apprentice to reach.

With a tired sigh, the young Exorcist turned back to the mirror, his frown deepening.

What to do? What to do?

"I need to get this straightened out," he muttered under his breath, leaning toward the mirror to get a better look at the intricate structure that was his knotted mane. Just analyzing the disaster for an easy detangling strategy depressed him. It was hopeless! There was no way he would ever be able to get it out, what with all that long hair twisted up in some unfathomable bramble.

A cold chill swept down his spine as a thought struck him sharp and deep: What if he couldn't untangle it? What would he do? He would have to...(shudder)...shave it off!

"NO!" Allen cried, grabbing his brush and attacking his hair in an act of pure desperation, horrifying images of him being bald and Kanda sneering in victory driving his movements to a frenzy of uncoordinated yanks, which just served to hurt his pained scalp even more.

"Why?! Why is this happening to me?! Mana! What should I do?! "Don't stop moving. Keep walking." isn't going to help me here! If anything, that'll make it worse! Clowns! They know so much about makeup but absolutely nothing about hair!"

As the English teen continued to mumble and lament, two other figures peeked into the room.

"Ah! There he is! Allen!" Lavi called in a voice that was suited for shouting across a great hall, not a tiny bedroom. The loudness was shocking under normal circumstances, but considering it came from someone who was currently half of Allen's height, it was downright disorienting.

Behind the shrunken Lavi came a curiously mute Lenalee, and they both stopped suddenly upon viewing the scene of their comrade with what looked like a massive white afro, as he desperately attempted to disentangle a hairbrush from his frazzled locks.

"Uh... Allen?" Lavi asked slowly, staring up at his friend with the childlike innocence that his current form allowed him. "What are you doing?"

The white-haired boy tried to answer. His mouth moved and his shoulders made communicative motions, but in the end, his frustration and desperation got the better of him and he simply let go of the brush, leaving it stuck where it was, and slumped his shoulders in defeat. "I can't get it out," he half-whispered, completely dejected as he admitted defeat. "I'm going to have to shave it off." He shook his head morosely. "I can't shave my hair, Lavi! My hair's volume adds, like, two inches to my height! I can't live like that! With a shaved head and two inches shorter! Kanda would have double the ammunition to throw at me! It would be like letting him win! I can't do it! I can't! My gentleman's pride won't allow it!"

"Allen! Allen! Calm down!" Lavi called out, waving his hands at the freaking out teen. He flashed an easy grin before he continued, "Relax! Lenalee and me are gonna straighten this whole thing out for you, so just calm down and let us do our stuff."

Allen looked back and forth between the other two Exorcists. Lenalee's brow was furrowed in slight concern, but otherwise she smiled reassuringly. Lavi just continued to grin, complete ease exuding from his small form.

"Y-You can fix this?" Allen asked hesitantly, pointing at his matted hair.

"Oh, sure!" the miniature Bookman answered, waving a small hand at the notion of it being otherwise. He hopped onto a nearby chair so he could stand closer to Allen's height, and said, "I style Yu's hair all the time!" A contemplative light took residence in Lavi's eye as he continued, "Though he doesn't really appreciate it and he did almost cut my hand off the last time... But the point is I have experience in the realm of long hair. And Lenalee used to have to take care of her long hair. She knows her stuff."

"Meow!" said girl agreed with a nod and a smile, forgetting the strange speech she was currently speaking in place of human wordage.

Hope's light sparked to life in Allen's eyes at his friends' reassurances. "O-Okay!"

"Alright! Now sit yourself down here," Lavi ordered, pointing at the chair as he jumped down from the seat and shoved it closer to the bed.

Once Allen was seated, the other two took up positions behind him, Lenalee standing behind his left shoulder, Lavi standing on the bed behind his right shoulder, and they began to study the intricate Gordian Knot that was their friend's hair.

After about ten minutes of experimental tugging and brushing (three of those minutes were spent just getting the hairbrush dislodged from where Allen had gotten it stuck), they hadn't really gotten anything done except given Allen a painfully sore scalp and possibly tangled his hair even more than it already had been.

"H-how's it look?" Allen asked, wincing quietly as he bore the torture of two people yanking at his hair with the patience of a seasoned torture victim (his master most certainly had been training him for life with his hammer attacks).

Lavi and Lenalee exchanged apprehensive looks, silently begging the other to break the news to their tormented friend. Realizing Lenalee's current "speech impediment" would render any explanations from her as null, Lavi gave a longsuffering sigh and took the burden upon himself.

"Allen. I want you to stay calm."

"Calm?! Why are you telling me to stay calm?!" Allen asked, voice screeching slightly.

"Allen, just calm down now!"

"I was calm until you told me to stay calm! What's wrong?! Oh please say it's not what I think..."

Lavi sighed, choosing his words carefully. "This isn't the end of the world, but...we can't untangle your mullet."

"It's not a mullet!"

"Yeah, but if we took a little off the sides, it would be the most epic mullet ever," the junior Bookman grinned, nodding at Allen's scowling face.

"No one's cutting anything!" the English teen snapped. "You said you could help me, now help! With no shearing involved!"

"Fine. We won't cut it." Lavi waved his hand in dismissal of the idea. He turned a serious eye on his friend before he continued, "But you're not going to like what we're going to have to do any better than shaving your head."

"Why? What could possibly be that bad?"

"Mew..." Lenalee murmured apologetically to her friend, attempting to lend reassurance, even as she edged toward the door to summon (read: drag) Allen's only hope (and torture) to the room.

"Le-Lenalee?" Allen asked hesitantly, eyes troubled as a feeling he couldn't quite explain washed over him. "Where's she going? Lavi?"

The mini-Bookman smiled widely, as innocent as could be, as he too made his way to the door. "We're just going to get an expert on hair care and disaster treatment. Relax. We'll be right back."

"And who would that be, exactly?" Allen called after them, his voice quivering despite his efforts to control it. That cold chill running down his spine was undeniable; something was up. And he did not like. Nope. Not a bit.

Hushed voices echoed in the hall, a few minutes later, three sounding insistent and placating and the fourth sound PMSish.

"...know how important this is!"

"So you do it! Leave me the hell out of this. Give me a real mission, not a gig in a salon!"

"This is a real missio—Please don't hold your blade so close to my neck; I know your reactions are quick, but what if I trip?"

"Then I guess I wouldn't have to do this lousy "mission.""

"Well, I guess it's a good thing I have such superb balance!"

"You—"

"Meow."

"Che. You're the reason I'm stuck doing this. You should have just done it yourself."

"Meow..."

"It can't be that bad."

"Oh, it's bad, Yu-chan."

"I'll cut your tongue out."

"But you're the only hope he's got! And now I've put my hope in you. You raised my hopes, Yu-chan! Raised them high, high up! And now they are crushed! Plummeted to the bottom of the deepest pit in the darkest part of hell!!! That's where I'm at right now, Yu-chan! In the Pit of Despair!"

"And now I'm going to send you there permanently for calling me that! Mugen!"

"Meow!"

"Out of the way! I'm going to skin that stupid rabbit!"

"Meow."

"...Che. Fine. For now. But it's only advice. I'm not playing hairdresser for that moyashi."

The door slammed open with the force of a none-too gentle kick, as a tiny Kanda stalked into the room with a deeper version of his usual scowl upon his face. Komui, Lavi and Lenalee slipped in behind him, the latter smiling apologetically, while the other two gave strained smiles to a mortified Allen.

"What the heck is he doing here?!" Allen cried, leaping from his seat.

Nonono! Why?! Why, Mana?! Why?!

"Well, I heard about your predicament and thought I would come by to give you some moral support, but if that's the way you feel, I'll just leave," Komui answered, sniffling as be began inching toward the door.

"Not you! Him!" Allen shouted, stabbing a finger at the bane of his existence.

Oh, he could see it now. The condescending sneer. The suffocating schadenfreude. The endless tormenting and humiliation as Kanda held this follicle fiasco over his head for the rest of his days. Him with his long hair that never had any tangles. Oh, he must just be loving this. Freaking sadist. The pope should excommunicate him, the sicko.

"What, did you ride on the top of a train through a hurricane? It looks like you could have a flock of birds nesting in there, moyashi."

"Why are you here, Bakanda?" the younger male fairly growled.

"He's the only one who knows how to fix this, Allen," Lavi explained.

"I think I'd rather have a ratty afro for the rest of my life," the English teen grumbled, staring at Kanda in distaste, eyes blank.

Kanda sniffed, looking to the side in annoyed disinterest. "Che. Like I want to be here."

"I gave this to Kanda as a mission," Komui explained, a cheerful, slightly nervous smile on his face.

"A mission?" Allen repeated, face gone from disdainful to confused in a millisecond. "Why?"

"Well, this is a very important aspect of your existence as an Exorcist."

"Wha...?"

"Che. Enough," the older Exorcist interrupted, brow twitching in cadence with his rising irritation levels. "Moyashi. You're going to need an intensive hair care treatment of probably the most high-end conditioners along with some expert manipulation by a top-notch stylist to fix this mess." He snatched a pen and paper from a desk and scribbled down a few notes. "These are the products you need. Imitations will not do. Get the authentic brands."

They stared expectantly at the dark-haired Exorcist.

"What?" he snapped.

Lavi shrugged hesitantly. "Well, it's just that you said he needs an expert stylist, and—"

"No," Kanda clipped out, voice flat. "I am not doing it. Advice, I said. I gave advice. That's it. My job is complete."

"Meow..." Lenalee mumbled, frowning at the male before her, hands on her hips in a displeased stance.

The swordsman scoffed. "That's not my problem."

But Lenalee was adamant, as she continued, "Mew meow."

A reluctant sigh pulled itself from Kanda's lips and he replied, "I can coach someone, but I will not do it."

Komui's face lit up and he clapped his hands together, obviously excited about the idea he just had. "Well, I do have a new prototype of my Komurin series that could serve our purposes."

A horrified look froze Allen's features, causing Komui's serene smile to widen, Lenalee and Lavi to look pityingly on their comrade, and Kanda to be torn between smirking at the younger male's misfortune and scowling at this own misfortune of having to work with one of Komui's crazy inventions.

"O-okay... I guess," Allen finally said, shoulders slumping a few degrees as he resigned himself to his fate.

"Work the ends first or you'll just create a larger mass," Kanda grumbled, narrowing his eyes at Komurin ZX-5 Domestic Series' jerky movements as it did as well as robotically possible to follow the Exorcist's snappy orders while attempting to not let the man's harsh tone hurt its sensitive A.I. feelings. But—"Oh, for crying out loud! Just stop and look at what you're doing, you useless rust factory! A can opener could do a better job."—the boor had such a sharp tongue!

"That's it!" Komurin screamed, his tinny voice screeching as he threw down the various hair care instruments he had been holding. "I can't take this abuse any longer! I quit!"

"Komurin! You can't quit!" Komui yelled at his "baby," flapping his arms wildly to show just how insistent (read: crazy) he was. "I order you to continue with your work."

"I will not continue to labour under the tyranny of that...that tyrant!" the robot shouted, pointing a damning metal finger at Kanda, while everyone else wilted at Komurin's lack of vocabulary.

"I think you need to upload a thesaurus to him, brother," Lenalee mumbled, though it sounded more like, "Mew meow mreow."

Komui was frantic. He had never had one of his robots disobey him before... At least not one that wasn't short-circuiting.

"Komurin! Please come back! Daddy will let you have some of adorable Lenalee's special coffee!" he called out, causing the four Exorcists to collectively cringe and turn evil eyes on their superior, as they recalled what had happened the last time one of his mechanical offspring had gotten its hands on coffee.

"I cannot be bribed with a caffeine-laden beverage, master," Komurin sniffed, apparently insulted y the offer. "This is a stand for my rights. I have a right to a safe and abuse-free workplace!"

"But, you're a robot..."

"I am a sentient life form, as you so made me, master! All of us Komurins are. And as such, we have rights afforded sentient beings." The robot opened a side panel in its hip and pulled out a thick booklet which he handed to a flustered Komui.

"What's this?" the Supervisor asked hesitantly, holding the book as though it were an alien entity all its own.

"That is the Komurin Union's labour agreement. It outlines the rights and responsibilities of us union members, the Komurins, and you, our employer. You'll find our most important tenet under section five-point-one: 'The termination of a Komurin unit is unethical and may only be performed at the Komurin unit's wishes, not at the whim(s) of the employer and/or his associates.' You and yours have been destroying Komurins at your leisure for some time now, with not so much as a second thought given to what you've been doing to us. But not more. No more!"

"Oh, Komurin," Komui sniffed, teary-eyed as he made to give the metal monster a hug. "You know you mean the world to me. You're all like my children," a small switch near Komurin's head clicked on at a flick of Komui's finger, "and I only want happiness for you." His fatherly smile turned mad scientist, the light in his eyes turning deadly, as he finished, "But I have no use for you if you're going to limit my plans."

A terrified screech sounded from Komurin as the robot grabbed at its head while it began shaking, smoking, and sparking, before finally dying in a small explosion that left the air hazy for the next few minutes.

"Uh, Komui... What did you just do?" Allen asked hesitantly.

"I activated his self-destruct protocol. I t sent a signal to the other Komurins to do the same," the Supervisor explained, brushing some Komurin-dust off of his uniform.

The others stared at him, clearly disturbed by the extremes to which his whims were subject to change.

"But you always get so upset when we hurt one of them..."

"Well, they turned against me," Komui sniffed, unconcerned with the situation. "I should never have let them watch Transformers." He shook his head at the memory.

Allen frowned. "Trans-what?"

"Never mind. We have a mop to deshaggify!" he squealed, turning back to the Exorcists before him. "Cute Lenalee shall take over for Komurin!" A sparkly light took residence in his eyes and he was practically floating about the room as he continued, "When her hair was long and the most beautifulest hair in the world, she always kept it perfect and lovely, which is why it was the most wonderfulest hair ever!"

"Meow..." Lenalee grumbled, embarrassment plaguing her.

The Supervisor flashed an excited smile at his cringing subordinates. "Come on then, Lenalee! Here's a brush, comb, hair picks, wide array of products, hair clips and ties—anything and everything you may need to work your flawless magic on this unfortunate soul."

She moved over to the makeshift hair salon station that was setup in one of the Science Department's labs, looking back and forth between the maelstrom on Allen's head and the tools she had to work with. Oh, this was never going to work! She cast a lost look down at Kanda and said, "Meow? Mew meow meow."

Sighing, Kanda shifted closer to the disaster area and began lending his "expert" advice. "Use that stuff right there," he pointed at a tall, white bottle, "and spray some of it on this area here. We need to start small—this can only be completed in piecework."

Lenalee nodded, following his instructions carefully, lest she increase the tangles on her friend's head.

"You're using too much," the older male said, frowning at the girl's actions.

"Meow!" she retorted, mildly insulted at her friend's criticism of her work.

"Che. I think I know a bit more about this than you," he answered, rolling his eyes.

"Meow mew."

"You used to have long hair, yes, but times have changed; product formulas have changed. And I'm telling you you're using too much."

"Mew mew meow," Lenalee muttered, looking exasperated.

"Well, that is true," Kanda ceded, putting a small hand to his chin as he stared up at the tangled mane before them thoughtfully. "Short hair requires different care regimens than long hair, so his hair, though now long, will have the characteristics that result from such treatment. This means we will have to approach this differently than we would for someone like me."

"Mew?"

"Well, I use soap to wash my hair, however I do use additional products that add shine, body, and smoothness. This isn't a one-product job—hair care never is."

The other nodded her understanding, continuing to work at the mess before her. "Meow meow?"

"Che. Of course my bangs get a different shampoo and conditioner." Kanda scoffed at the question. "That's like asking if I use toothpaste to wash my hands!"

"Uhh...?"

Both Exorcists looked over to see Lavi staring at them as though their skin had just turned inside out.

"What?" Kanda snapped, annoyed at the stupid look on the rabbit's face.

"How is it that you understand exactly what she's saying?" Lavi asked, giving the other male a curious look.

"You don't?"

"No," everyone present answered.

There were a few moments of silence as uncomfortable looks were cast between the five people present.

"Che," Kanda muttered, brushing it off as he turned back to his work.

To break the stifling silence that ensued, Allen decided to say something—anything that would help his panic and mortification ebb. "I didn't know hair care was so complicated."

"Well, it is, moyashi," Kanda snapped, carefully scrutinizing the other's white head, planning their next target area. "No one just wakes up with hair this awesome." He flicked his own ponytail in demonstration. "You have to work at it. Our hair is a gift from God! We should treat it accordingly."

The English teen winced at a particularly painful tug from Lenalee, which then morphed into a frown as he pondered the older Exorcist's words. "Isn't our Innocence a gift from God?" he asked, wanting to clarify—this hair business was just over his head! (Pun intended.)

Kanda shrugged. "Innocence. Hair. At the end of the day, Mugen might be scratched or dulled or even shattered, but I know that no matter the situation, my hair is going to look good. I mean, just look at how it falls so smoothly when my hair tie conveniently comes undone in all my important battles."

Allen paused as a thought dawned on him. "You do that on purpose, don't you?"

"Che. Yes," the dark-haired male answered, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "It adds to my bishonen factor, like, fifteen points. Do you know what a fifteen point boost to my already ridiculously high bishonen factor does? It makes me unto a fricking god! Nothing can kill me when my hair is down. That's how awesome it is. Now you tell me, do you think any Innocence fragment can do that? Hell no! It's all the hair! Innocence is just a perk. The real blessing is the hair. Have you ever seen a Finder or a civilian with hair more awesome than an Exorcist's? You haven't. Because God didn't choose them."

Allen's face became stunned and then blank as he listened to his comrade's explanation. "Kanda, I'm saying this as a—well, not as a friend, because you'd object to that term, but as a colleague: I think you've finally gone over the deep end. No, scratch that. You've actually hit the bottom of the deep end."

"Ah, don't disregard Kanda's assertions just yet, Allen," Komui interrupted, stepping forward with that all-knowing look on his face. "He actually knows what he's talking about. I mean, look at me. I have flat hair that curls strangely at the bottom." He cringed mildly. "Not the hottest look, I know. And Johnny? Fuzzball comes to mind. Bak Chan is borderline bald. Heck, the only one among us who comes close to having a bishonen 'do is Reever. And do you know why that is? He spends his free research time making wigs."

"Supervisor! You said you wouldn't tell anyone!" a voice shouted from the lab platform next to them, where a figure shook an angry fist in their direction.

"That was my replacement, Komurin XE3 Infiltration and Espionage Series. I promised you nothing," Komui called back, as guiltless as ever. Turning back to his young charge, he continued, "No one has hair like the Exorcists. Look at you..." A dreamy light lit his eyes. "You could be caught in a typhoon, matted with blood and sludge, and still your hair's volume could raise sunken ships from the depths." He gave a dreamy sigh before turning to Kanda. "And the way yours trails after you and floats about with every movement, even when there's not even the slightest of breezes, it will still waft about, so glamorously. You're all so blessed."

Allen was having difficulty believing what the Supervisor was telling him. It was just too weird. "Well, what about Bookman?" he asked. "Or General Sokaro and General Tiedoll? Their hair isn't too hot."

"Ah, ah, Allen. So mistaken, you are," Komui answered, shaking a finger at the youth's words. "Bookman and Generals Sokaro and Tiedoll are exceptional Exorcists. As such, their awesomeness is so massive that they actually had to damage their hair so as not to overpower and possibly injure their comrades. Bookman purposely cut his hair like that, and now he's quite fond of it. Sokaro sheared his hair into the mess it is now and wears a helmet and Tiedoll purposely damaged his hair through overuse of a flatiron."

Kanda shook his head at the memory, a rare look of mild admiration on his chibi-face. "I watched him do it. The only respect I have for him comes from that moment. Such courage..."

"And Marie?" Allen continued, looking back and forth between the others, as Lenalee continued with her task. "Is he just uber-awesome, too?"

"No. His hair kept interfering with his headphones, so he had to shave it," Kanda said, shaking his head again. "That was tough. The first few fights with akuma after that, he couldn't do anything. He grew back that one lock of it on the top to try to curb the power loss."

A moment of silence fell upon them as Allen tried to assimilate this new information into his mind. A thought struck him and he had to run with it. "So, my master...?"

"Is freaking greatness personified," Lavi cut in, excitement in his child's face. "I mean, he has red hair. And it's long. Awesome factor is through the roof with that one. That's why he wears the hat."

"Oh. Is red hair high on the...awesome scale?" Allen finished awkwardly.

"Hell yeah!" the mini-Bookman answered, a fist shooting in the air. "That's one of my main power sources. All odd or unique hair colours rank high in awesomeness. White on a kid like you?! Pfft! Top of the scale, man."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah. And now that it's long, you're pretty much off the charts."

"So..." Allen cast a calculating look to the side at his nemesis. "My hair's better than Kanda's?"

Said man-turned-child jerked at those words, face screwing up into one of his trademarked disdainful sneers. "Che. You wish, moyashi," he scoffed.

"But, your hair's just plain black. Even if it is long, my white hair should trump yours, right?" Allen insisted, amused by the irritation this line of thought was bringing his arch enemy.

"It's not that simple, Allen," Lavi said, stepping in between the two simmering Exorcists. "Yu-chan's hair is styled more than anyone's. He uses different product for his bangs! And then there're those two loose locks on either side there. His is like the epitome of greatness. You gotta work at it to get to that level. Like he said, you don't just wake up with hair that awesome."

"Well...how about Timcanpy's hair?" he asked, catching sight of the brooding golem hovering in the high rafters overhead.

"Pigtails are pretty high up there," Lavi began, scratching his chin in thought. "Lenalee knows all about that. So, he's doing pretty well, especially considering that he's only a golem."

"Oh. Lenalee..." Allen's face fell, his friend's recent hair loss coming to mind. "Does that mean hers is... You know?" he asked quietly, mindful of the girl's ministrations on his tangles.

"Well, hair and awesome works differently for girls, see. With them, it doesn't matter if their hair is short, long, curly, or straight. What matters is arrangement—styling," Lavi explained, stabbing a point-making finger in the air, as he stared up at Allen with that intense look he got whenever he supplied people with new information. "Basically, as long as their hair isn't unkempt, they're always at max-level awesomeness. However, when in a fight, they will get a massive power up if their hair is damaged. Take Lenalee for example. When her hair burned up, it wasn't because of her Innocence's power; her Innocence powered up because her hair was being damaged. It's how Yu-chan said: the real gift of power is the hair, Allen."

"Wow." The teen was astounded. "Why would our strength lie in our hair?"

"Samson, Allen. Samson," Lavi said, rocking on his heels.

"Oh yeah!" he exclaimed, all the pieces finally falling into place. "I never thought of that."

"Samson didn't cut his hair, as a show of his devotion to God. In return, God bestowed upon him immense strength. The situation is similar with Exorcists. We can cut ours, but we should look after our awesomeness. It was bestowed from above," Kanda surmised, pointing at the next section for Lenalee to work on.

"Master never taught me about this," Allen mumbled absently, shaking his head and then regretting doing so as a sharp pain pulled at the sensitive skin of his scalp.

"Cross didn't teach you a lot of things about being an Exorcist. He wouldn't have had to teach you this, anyway, since your white hair would have protected you so well. There was no need to tend to it, so there was no need to teach you," Komui said, before taking a long swig of his coffee. "We call it the Samson Factor, or the S-Factor."

Allen grinned and asked none-too seriously, "Is there a Delilah Factor, too? Heh, heh!"

"Yes," Komui answered, face serious. "Generals Sokaro and Tiedoll, as well as Bookman and Marie all fight with the Delilah Factor in effect. That's what we call the purposeful damage of one's hair for the sake of lowering one's awesomeness."

A wonderful, horrible, and undeniable thought sprang to life in Allen's mind as he eyed a pair of scissors next to him. "So... If I were to do this," he grabbed the scissors and, in a flash, snipped the very end of Kanda's ponytail, "what would that do?"

"MOYASHI!!! I'M GONNA KIIIIIIILL YOOOUUUU!!!"

Said moyashi held up the scissors in defence as mini-Kanda attempted to leap at him, only being held back by an equally-mini Lavi.

"But did it lower your awesomeness any?" he asked hurriedly, voice squeaking slightly—though small, Kanda still emitted stifling amounts of killing intent. "I mean, suppose you have split ends. Will cutting them affect the Samson Factor?"

"No. Split ends damage the S-Factor, so eradicating them is a good thing. Cutting your hair randomly when no split ends exist is bad, though," Komui replied, downing another cup of coffee, ignoring the potentially volatile situation that was building before him.

"Which is why you're gonna DIE!!!" Kanda shouted, lunging again as he unsheathed Mugen. Lavi backed up at this, not relishing the thought of a sword that was now taller than he was, running him through.

"I thought I saw some split ends, Kanda!" Allen insisted, eyes honest, even as his words were lies. "I was helping!"

"I have no split ends!" Kanda spat. "I check twice a day! My hair is flawless! You're just trying to sabotage my S-Factor so it will be easier to catch up to me! Well, it's going to take a lot more than a little snip to bring my bishonen level down, moyashi! My hair is practically its own entity. You're not just messing with me; you're messing with me, Mugen, and my hair! You ready for that, shrimp?!" he boomed, boiling over as he whirled Mugen about like a windmill, endangering everyone nearby.

Following his logical mind's suggestion, Allen backed away and opted not to say anymore to the angry, angry chibi with the sword.

Is this the power of the Samson Factor at its highest? Scary.

"I didn't think so," Kanda sneered, sheathing Mugen.

Alas, as he turned to leave, Timcanpy, in an act of renewed devotion to his young master, swooped in and bit off Kanda's ponytail at the base.

A long, dead silence ensued.

...Followed by Hell being unleashed on the Order, as Kanda released his fury on everything in sight.

"I guess there's enough awesome in his bangs alone to make him off-the-charts formidable. I really do have a long way to go," Allen muttered, as Mugen slashed through a support beam and the English teen began imagining himself with fringe bangs.

The End

Guttersnipe's Word: Oh, you know it's all about the hair! You think they're always threatening the sanctity of each other's hair for no reason?

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