Disclaimer and all that stuff: Ten years and they still belong only to Dick. And I just hope he does not mind if I play with them and add my own twist to his painfully EO lacking story lines. In fact, I hope he one day reads some of my stories and calls me up and asks me to be a writer on the the show! Dream, dream, dream. " ) Bensler

Author's Chapter Notes: This has been in progress since almost the beginning of the 2008-2009 season. I wanted to wait until it was nearly completed to post it, but if I wait until then, I may never post it. This way maybe you guys can help keep me accountable! Hope you like my takes on each show. " ) Bensler

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The Tenth Year

by Bensler

Chapter 1 – Trials

Benson Residence - Wednesday, September 24th - 9:45 p.m.

Playing repeatedly in her head, the conversations held her hostage now as surely as Lowell Harris had trapped her and held her against her will in that dank, dark, filthy, empty basement.

The conversations between her and Dr. Fulton, her therapist, were the most mind-boggling. That she, Detective Olivia Benson, would ever willingly begin seeing a shrink was just downright unbelievable. She was strong, confident, relying only on herself. She did not need anyone else to help her in any way. After years and years of recommending that victims talk to someone about their assaults it had taken her months to realize and admit that it just might be necessary for her to heed her own advice. That perhaps she did need someone else to lend a hand to pull her out of the funk she was sinking further and further into with each passing day.

She was much too worried about being seen as weak, unable to handle the stress of her job. She worried about being put on administrative leave or worse, forced to work out the remaining years of her career stuck on desk duty. It was the job that put her in the position of almost being raped, not to mention it had been her bright idea to go undercover in that prison. The thing was she had not actually been raped. But the post-traumatic stress she was experiencing at having almost been raped was beginning to exact a incredibly heavy toll on her mentally, emotionally and now physically. She did not want to become another Caitlyn Ryan.

It had taken seeing how Caitlyn had become a virtual recluse in the aftermath of her rape; how she had lost her job, and given up her child, Christopher, to ACS in the hopes of finding a better environment for him than she could provide due to her state of mind; how she was living on the edge of reality. It had taken seeing this broken woman to make Olivia see this was her future if she did nothing.

While standing in front of the vending machine, totally spaced out, Olivia had been startled by Tonia Majeski from ACS. She was seconds from a meltdown when Tonia's voice broke through the dark haze, snatching her out of the mental and emotional prison in which Harris had trapped her as surely as he trapped her in that basement. She knew she was close to breaking. Olivia knew then she could not continue much longer without help or she would become just like Caitlyn. Unable to function. To live life. And how could she continue to tell others to get help when she was too proud to seek it for herself.

She remembered sitting in the waiting room of Dr. Fulton's office. Her legs bouncing nervously, her right hand twisting the watch on her left around on her wrist over and over again, she fidgeted. Rolling her head first to one side and then the other to alleviate some of the tension knotting in her neck, she found no relief. When she could sit no longer, she paced. From one end of the small room to the other, thankful that no one else was in there.

Repeatedly raking her hands through her hair as though she could rake the memories away, she continually released loud, heavy sighs. Someone called her name and she startled, her heart jumping to her throat as the air became stuck in her lungs. Following the woman to her office, she found herself sitting on a comfortable couch, anxiously twisting and wringing her hands, leaning forward in apprehension.

Dr. Fulton was an attractive black woman about Olivia's age. She exuded warmth, friendliness and concern while maintaining her professionalism. As much as was possible, she put Olivia at ease. They talked generically for just a few minutes before Dr. Fulton got down to business.

"Olivia, tell me what happened that you have sought my help," Dr. Fulton gently asked.

Sighing yet again, Olivia started, "It happened four months ago. I was…um…working undercover in a prison and… and the male guard tried to rape me. And I was…I was okay at first, and then…I've started reliving it. Just feel really jumpy, can't sleep. And I fe…I feel very out of control. And the thing is, is that I wasn't even raped."

Dr. Fulton met her eyes, "Olivia, you were sexually assaulted."

Looking away and then back at her, Olivia's voice came out in a whisper, "He came so close, and there was nothing that I could do to stop him. He had a weapon. And he completely overpowered me. And I never should have let him take me down there, 'cause I know better than that." She nodded her head at Dr. Fulton, the nod letting her know that she knew the rules, she broke them and therefore, she was at fault.

"Rape victims often blame themselves. You know how misplaced that blame is," Dr. Fulton pointed out what she knew Olivia already knew.

Olivia agreed, "I know, I know," she put finger to her forehead, "I know that here. I've told that same thing to a lot of women. But now I… I feel… I feel like I don't deserve to be here. I feel like…I feel like he has…he stole something from me. And… and I need help dealing with it."

The tears began then as they did now as she recounted the session alone in the privacy of her own home. She wiped at her eyes as another conversation took its place bombarding her mind with the same terror she had felt when it first took place.

"The hole is over in C-block. What are we doing down here?" she asked nervously, the tight cuffs cutting into her skin with each movement.

"Shut up." Captain Lowell Harris growled as he pushed her down the stairway, jerking her arms behind her, twisting her muscles and tendons.

"Captain, I'm sorry. I freaked because of the outbreak, I apologize." Her voice did not sound normal at all.

"Oh, we're way past apologies now. Now shut up and do what you're told."

She had no doubt about what was going to happen to her and she tried to bargain with him, "No. Don't. What do you want?"

"What every guys wants." He grabbed her cheeks between his fingers contorting her face.

Her voice was barely a whisper, "Oh, no, no, no, no...

"And you're gonna give it to me."

When she saw the filthy mattress lying on the floor, she nearly lost it. Begging, pleading and reasoning did nothing to stop him. So, she fought. She kicked and screamed. And screamed and screamed and…

Then she was back in the safety of the precinct, sitting at her desk holding a glossy, eight by ten photograph of her would be rapist.

She heard his footsteps and knew who it was even before he approached her desk. Leaning over her, so close she could smell his cologne, him…he stared at the picture of Harris that Olivia was holding in her hands.

Chewing his bottom lip nervously, his eyes never left her, "What happened in the basement?"

Sucking in her lower lip, she released it as she whispered, "Nothing." Her eyes remained glued to Harris' picture.

Elliot waited for her to give him more of an explanation. She couldn't. She could not bear to tell him what had nearly happened to her because she was embarrassed that she had gotten in that situation and because she knew the anguish, it would cause him that he was not there to protect her. She knew he would find a way to blame himself and she could not deal with what happened much less his misplaced guilt and rage.

Barely meeting his eyes, she softly assured him, "I'm fine, El."

She knew he needed more information. She knew that he was worried about her and it was driving him crazy not to know the details, and what he could do to help her. But he wouldn't push her. Not anymore. Not like he used to do. The thing was, she simply could not bring herself to tell him the details, because she wasn't sure how much he would actually care. There used to be no doubt about that in her mind. She worried he would feel guilty, too, but more that he would brush it off and go on with his life as he had done for the past year.

Since Eli's birth she had noticed he seemed to be more distant once again. It would push her completely over the edge if she shared this most horrible thing with him and then he acted like he had been acting…as though he did not care about her anymore. They were getting along better, but it seemed to be because of an unspoken mutual agreement to quit sharing their personal lives. For the most part, things between them had become limited to work and safe subjects like the weather, sports or headline news.

There had been glimpses of the old Elliot and the feelings that had been brewing between them for the past she was not sure how many years. Yes, the undercover situation was one. He had been beside himself that he would not be able to be there for her, to be the one watching her back, protecting her. Fin had later told her that Elliot had threatened him if he let any thing happen to her.

Elliot finding out about Kurt Moss had been another instance. She was completely unprepared when she found Elliot in Kurt's office that morning after Tucker had taken her shield and gun. Put on suspension until they investigated her link to Moss and the media leak of NFL player Lincoln Haver's homosexuality, she had gone to see Kurt. The sight of the two men in her life standing there talking…about her…made her angry as well as incensed that they felt they could discuss her situation as though she had no say. She also knew that Elliot was upset because she had never mentioned Kurt to him. Not once. She could not. She simply was not ready to acknowledge that she was trying to be with a man she could never really love because she could not be with the one man she did love.

Seeing them together also made her acknowledge to herself that she could not continue the relationship with Kurt. He was simply a substitute and poor one at that, for what or rather whom she really wanted but could not have. When he asked her again about moving in with him and she did not answer, it was clear that he realized her lack of commitment had something to do with her partner. The fact that she had not told Elliot, whom she claimed was her best friend, about them told him there were some unspoken dynamics going on between the two partners. Kurt point blank asked her if she had feelings for Elliot and she point blank denied it when she broke up with him. She had so much experience denying those emotions that it took no effort at all to continue the lie.

She had seen Elliot's old protectiveness just yesterday when he told her it was not her fault that one of Noah Sibert's rape victims had committed suicide. Elliot had begged her not to go there in her mind. He knew how her mind worked and he knew if anyone could keep her from going there, it was he. He reminded her that she always did the best job she could with what they had to work with and she was not responsible for what the victims did about their situations. They pointed them in the right direction giving them information about counseling and support groups. Some were able to handle what happened and put it in the past, others, sadly, were not.

She truly thought she was losing touch with reality. That was why she had broken down and seen a therapist. She did not want to be one of the ones who were unable to handle what life threw at them. Wiping the remaining tears from her cheek, she pulled the throw blanket closer to her chest and turned on her side. Just as she was beginning to doze, the downstairs buzzer sounded. Opening her eyes, she looked at her watch, 9:48. Groaning, she threw the cover off, swung her legs to the side of the couch and stood to make her way to the intercom.

Who would be at her place this time of the night? Casey had moved back to Texas and the only other person who had ever come over this late without an invitation was…she shook her head…no way was it Elliot. No way. He would be at home by now. With his happy little family, she thought, sarcastically. She pressed the button to speak.

"Yea?"

"Liv? It's me. Can I come up?"

No way! No way! Her mind screamed. She leaned her head against the wall by the intercom. No way was it Elliot. No way did she need to let him up. It took so long for her to answer that his voice sounded again.

"Liv? You there?"

"Uh…yea…"

"You gonna let me up or keep me standing out here in the rain?"

The sound of the buzzer and the click of the door latch releasing was his answer. Pushing the door open, he smiled to himself thankful she was letting him in. He had been worried about her for a while now, but all of his inquiries were met with dismissal and assurance that he had no need to worry about her. However, he knew his partner well enough to know nothing was further from the truth and it was his intention to find the underlying cause of it tonight. In his heart, he knew it had to do with Sealview. He had thought about getting the reports and reading about it himself, but he could not bring himself to do it. He needed to hear it from her…when she was ready.

Olivia glanced around the apartment. It was a mess. She'd had no desire to clean her apartment the last several months and now it was close to utter chaos inside. Well, it was too late to worry about that now. Besides he had all those kids and was surely used to more clutter and mess than what she had made. She was wondering if she had time to at least run a brush through her hair, when there was a soft but firm knock at her door. He must have taken the stairs three at a time she thought, crossing the room to open the door.

He was just leaning his umbrella by the wall and stood up to face her. His eyes were bluer than she had remembered them. These days she tried not to look in his eyes much anymore and definitely tried not to think about how blue, how beautiful they were. She quickly looked away now.

"Hey," he smiled.

"Hey," she pulled the door further open, stepping aside for him to enter.

He shrugged out of his overcoat and hung it on one of the two empty hooks behind her door. It now hung right beside her jacket and she fleetingly wondered what it would be like to have his coats hanging next to hers all the time. She took a deep breath and chided herself for her thoughts.

"Didn't know it was raining," she said, searching for something, anything to say.

"Yea…poured earlier, but it's a steady drizzle now," he informed her, turning to face her.

It was obvious he had not been home because he was still wearing his work clothes, the brown suit, blue shirt and brown, blue and green striped tie she remembered him wearing that day. He looked good, she thought, again chiding herself for her lack of control over her renegade mind. Over this last year, she had tried to quit looking at him, too. Tried not to see the man she had been in love with for years. It only caused more pain, at times nearly unbearable.

Elliot tried not to look around too much, but he could see from the corner of his eye the apartment was in total disarray. It looked more like what he had lived in when he was on his own than Olivia's usually neatly, organized home. Something told him this lack of housekeeping had everything to do with whatever was going on with her. He chose not to comment on it just now.

For the life of her, she could not think of anything else to say. She was nervous and she was not even sure why. It had been a long time since he had been to her apartment. In fact, she could only remember one time he had been there since he went back to Kathy. Since no words came to mind and she was not positive they would form a coherent sentence if she forced something, she remained silent.

Apparently, words weren't in abundance in his mind either, because he just stood there staring at her, a slight smile on his face. He took her in, her beauty. Yes, she was beautiful and the odd thing was she did not seem to know it. She always brushed aside compliments as though she were undeserving and yet, he could think of no woman more so than Olivia Benson.

She had on a bright yellow tee shirt that had 'Coney Island' stamped across it in a rainbow of colors, navy blue sweat pants with FBI in huge white letters down one leg, and white athletic socks. Seeing the sweats forced him to remember her undercover stint with the FBI. Queasiness settled in his stomach as he recalled how desperate he had been over her leaving him again without telling him. Her hair was a bit disheveled and her make-up nearly non-existent. Nevertheless, to him, she was still attractive and it would suit him fine to just stand there and stare at her forever. Suddenly realizing she was uncomfortable, he tried to think of something to say.

"Uh…you got something to drink? Water will do," he nodded toward the kitchen.

"Oh…sorry…uh…I was drinking wine…you want a glass?" she headed for the kitchen.

Wine? No, he had better pass on that given his current state of mind. It could be dangerous to mix that and his proximity to her along with alcohol.

"Uh…thanks, but water will be fine," he followed her into the kitchen.

Raising an eyebrow at him, surprised that he was opting for water over alcohol, she opened the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water. As he took it from her, their fingers brushed and their eyes shot to one another and locked, both still holding the bottle. She felt the blush rising in her cheeks and quickly let go of the bottle.

"Let's sit in the living room," she turned from him taking a deep breath to clear her mind, hoping against hope that he did not see her reddened face.

Scooping up the throw and pillow from the couch, she sat on the far end of it. Elliot debated on whether to sit on the couch or in the recliner across from her. He wanted to be close to her, to be able to read her eyes he told himself. If he chose the recliner, he would have to move a stack of books, CDs and DVDs, and his gray hoodie – he could not remember the last time he saw it - so he sat on the other end of the couch and turned toward her.

She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "Why are you here, Elliot?"

Looking at her for a long moment, he smiled, "Can't a guy come to see his partner without a reason?"

"It's been nearly a year since you've been by for a specific reason and even longer just for the heck of it," the accusatory tone in her voice did not escape him.

"I guess it has been awhile…but I didn't think it had been that long," he countered, looking down at his hands resting on his thighs.

"Yea…right after the accident…to see how I was doing," she reminded him.

It had been a long time. He nodded his head. That was why he was here now, he thought. To see how she was doing. Really. The things he wanted to ask her about now were not going to set well with her, but there was no way around it so he took a deep breath and told her.

"Well…that's why I'm here now. To see how you are doing," he told her, giving a sideways glace to see that her defenses were immediately put in place.

Her narrowed eyes were all he needed to see to know she was not going to make this easy. "Elliot, I'm fi…"

"No. No you are not fine! You always say that, Liv…even when it's obvious you are anything but!" He threw up air quotes as he spat the word 'fine'. "Something is going on, Olivia, and I want to know what it is!"

She was trying to remain calm even though the anger was beginning a slow burn within her. It would take only mere seconds for him to set that anger in her to a full boiling rage, sending her out of control. And she needed to be in control, so she clung desperately to it.

"What makes you think something is going on?" she asked evenly, willing her voice to sound normal.

His laughter was mirthless, "Got a couple of hours for me to tell you? How about yesterday morning when I was telling you about my stolen credit card. You didn't hear a word I said. You've been like that for weeks…you know, spacey…out there somewhere," he waved his arms all around.

"Elliot…" her voice held a touch of warning but he did not heed it.

"You don't go out to eat with us…or with me…anymore. You are too tired to grab a drink. Sandwiches lay on your desk untouched, you've lost weight, you look like your worn out, tired all the time. You fell asleep at your desk last week, Olivia! You told me you didn't get much sleep night before last, and I think you aren't sleeping much at all. You've broken how many dates now? You forget things. You don't talk or laugh or smile much anymore. You're jumpy, on edge. Your place is a wreck…totally not you. And you left early today without telling me and when I asked Cragen, he said you had a doctor's appointment. You never go to the doctor! Something is going on, Liv, and don't treat me like I'm a nobody that has no right to know what it is! I know you, Liv. You're my best friend! Talk to me! Please."

At some point, he had stood up and was now pacing her living room as she clutched her knees, staring at him. He stopped and brought his gaze to meet hers.

Slightly, shaking her head, she then hid her face against her knees. Elliot stood there unsure what to do, mentally kicking himself for hollering at her. That was the very last thing she needed and the very last thing he had promised himself he would not do tonight.

Taking a few steps toward her, he heard the sniffling and felt fear grip his being as he began to think he was right, "Liv…please…just tell me you aren't sick…I mean like seriously ill…please…"

That he was able to understand her muffled words was a small miracle, "I'm not sick or dying."

He was standing right in front of her now and the relief he felt at those words nearly had him falling onto the couch. He wanted to touch her but was unsure of her reaction.

"That's good to hear," he paused, listening as her sniffles continued. "Liv…I know…I know I haven't been here for you like I should have…but you gotta know I am here for you…I'll always be here for you even when it seems like I'm not. All you gotta do is tell me you need me."

He stared at her, waiting for a response, any response. She was now slowly rocking herself as if seeking comfort on her own. Raising her tear-filled eyes to his she sucked in her lower lip, and then released it. "I…I n-n-need…you, El," she choked out around the tears in her throat.

In an instant, he was beside her, pulling her into his arms. At his touch, she began to sob, clinging to him as if she would never let him go. He smoothed her hair, caressed her face and placed gentle kisses on the top of her head. He just held her. He just let her cry it out. He would hold her until she pulled away. He would be there for her and he needed her to know he would always be there for her. Through whatever trials and tribulations assailed her today or tomorrow, from her past, her present or her future, he would be there with her, beside her. As long as she wanted him, as long as she let him, he would be there.

~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo ~ ~