Our journey begins with a shot of a road sign; 'Privet Drive'. On the sign is an owl; because Rowling kicks nature in the balls and says that owls live in suburban London. The camera moves; and out comes the scary music. HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT IN THE WOODS? Oh wait, it's just some crazy old guy with no knowledge of shaving. We now learn that he is a stoner and this is his hallucination. Weird street names, owls in London and what now? He plays a fun prank of turning off the street lamps with a lighter...I do not honestly know what the hell is going on.
Author: Er...won't doing that cause anyone that drives past to kinda crash into a house?
Dumbledore: No! My needs are more important than everyone elses!
Author: Rigghht....
Dumbledore proceeds to hold his 'surprised face' as he takes out all the lights. Then he starts talking to cats.
Dumbledore: Why hello there, Professor McGonnagol.
Mcgonnagol: So we're on first name terms at every other point, apart from this one?
Dumbledore: JK Rowling couldn't be bothered introducing you in any better way.
Author: So talking to a cat and appearing stoned in the first 2 minutes of the movie is the best way to go?
Dumbledore and Mcgonnagol: Yep.
Mcgonnagol transforms from cat to old woman; causing most of the furry population to cry in jealousy.
Mcgonnagol: Good evening Albus.
Dumbledore: NOOOOO! You can't address me by first name! Use the uncreative version!
Mcgonnagol: Whatever. Let us talk about things we should have addressed earlier but couldn't be bothered doing to the last minute.
A few seconds later, and quite coincidentally, Hagrid flies down on a giant motorbike, crushing an infant under his coat. Even though the bike is louder than your average jet, no one wakes up in the neighbourhood.
Hagrid: We have all kinds of way of transportation; yet the best way over; oh I dunno, teleporting, is riding a giant motorbike which somehow was previously used by a normal sized man; even though it is just the right size for me?
Dumbledore: Pretty much. We didn't expect Voldermort to get off his ass and intercept a giant on a loud bike. Besides, who safer to deliver the most valuable person in the world, rather than our Groundskeeper. A man who only got this job because he couldn't do anything else?
Hagrid: Anywaaaay, I have to go do giant related stuff like drinking excessively and buying dragons.
Mcgonnagol starts complaining about the Dursleys being the worst family possible. And on a related note, according to her, the boy will be known by everyone in the world; even though the wizarding population is really quite low.
Dumbledore: I really don't care if he is tortured and abused for the first 10 years of his life. Anything is better than being famous.
He places the boy on the doorstep. He disappoints everyone when he doesn't cover the blanket in faeces, set the baby on fire and ring the doorbell.
Hagrid cries even though he's only known the child for less than an hour.
Dumbledore punches him in the face for being a pussy.
Dumbledore places a letter on the boy, telling the Dursleys that they've been punk'd with a baby. The camera shifts to his head and...OH MY GOD!
This is the only time when you see the scar, in the middle of his forehead and not drawn in crayon. That bitch looks real! Up starts the music again and light starts shooting out of the scar. The baby wakes up, looks at Mcgonnagol and yells that he's firing his laser out of his forehead.
After the beginning titles, the boy is older now, and his scar is made out of crayon and is a few feet off of being on the centre of his head. Seriously, it's halfway across his eyebrow!
The first lulz are head as a frail and bony old lady, starts rapping on a staircase saying "GET UP!". At this point, we presume all that hair spray has leaked into her brain. After no response for a full 2 seconds, she spanks the naughty staircase and says 'NOW!' in her British accent. The little boy under the stairs, wakes up with his toy soldiers surrounding him.
Dudley: *jumping on the stairs* WE'RE GOING TO THE ZOO! OMFG! THIS IS SO EXCITING! BEST! BIRTHDAY! EVER!
Harry: It's just the fucking zoo. Not exciting at all.
Dudley responds my pushing Harry back into his 'room' and kicking the door in a way that would make Chuck Norris cry.
Harry: Ouch. I have been shown who is the boss...*sarcasm*
Harry walks into the kitchen to see what can only be described as really weird, and wrong.
Petunia: Happy Birthday Son! *begins rubbing her face into Dudley's*
Harry: O_O
Petunia: SHUDDUP AND MAKE US BREAKFAST SLAVE CHILD! AND TRY NOT TO BURN ANYTHING!
All Harry has to do is freaking take the bacon off the frying pan and onto the plates. Some making breakfast. Aaaaaaaand, he fails at doing that; dropping all the bacon onto the table as his uncle yells at him to make him some coffee.
Dudley sees a pile of presents, some not even wrapped properly.
Dudley: HOW MANY FUCKING GIFTS DID YA GET ME?
Vernon: 36, I counted them myself. 'Cause you know, counting them as I buy them is such a hassle.
Dudley complains that 36 is not enough, and that last year he had 37.
Harry sighs and tries to not spill coffee onto his face. He so very nearly, fails.
Vernon retorts that some of them are quite bigger than the others.
Dudley: I DONT CARE HOW BIG THEY ARE!
Harry: That's not what your muuuum said last night! *puts up hand waiting for Hi-5*
Author: Ew. You're insinuating that you had sex with Petunia. Have you no shame?
Harry: Not really...seeing that I marry some redhead who's kind of like a stalker by the end of all this crap.
They are about to leave for the zoo when Vernon takes hold of Harry.
Vernon: I don't want any funny business when we go okay?
Harry: Err...Uncle...that was Dudley who molested the goat at the farm...
At the zoo, Dudley tells his uncle to make a snake move.
Vernon: Oh sure, snakes understand English, so what could possibly go wrong? OH YOU! *pokes glass* MOVE!
Vernon: Oh, I wonder why that didn't work...it was an absolutely flawless plan...
Everyone but Harry walks off, and he decides that he'll beat his uncles high score in "Talk to the snakes and get a response"
The snake does the most unusual action ever! IT FREAKING MOVES ITS HEAD!
Harry: OH MY GAWD! YOU MUST BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND ME BECUASE YOU SHIFTED YOUR BODY SLIGHTLY! Let me complain about my life to you. But, I've never talked to a snake before...
Snake: ORLY? You are a deprived child! Everyone else talks to animals on a regular basis but you!
Harry: Do you talk to people often?
The snake at this point, would gladly sell his soul to the devil for a hand; so that he
could facepalm at how much Harry fails at the moment.
Harry: Did you ever know your family *looks at sign saying "Bred in Captivity"*? Oh. I see. It was the same for me.
...what?...You were bred in captivity?
Harry: I never knew my parents...
Dudley, noticing the snake yells out to his parents.
Dudley: OMG! YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT THIS SNAKE IS DOING!
Somehow, moving constitutes as something you'll never see a snake doing. How silly of me to assume that underwater tapdancing was such a commonplace thing for a snake.
He pushes Harry to the ground and presses up to the glass. Harry puts on a Zoolander face and makes the glass disappear. I guess it's the same premise in which Zoolander stopped a metal blade through just looking at it.
With the awesome photoshopping of the early 2000's, we see the poorly edited glass disappear in an anticlimactic way.
Harry laughs at the fact that a sheet of glass disappeared, causing his cousin to fall into the containment of a deadly snake. I'm starting to presume that Harry may be more homicidal than the kid from Home Alone.
Casually, the snake slithers off without anyone giving a shit to stop it whilst saying thanks to Harry in a raspy voice.
Aaand, the glass is back in place. How the hell does it work that someone can use a spell that they've never learnt or know how to operate. Sure its explained as "Uncontrolled magic" but surely you'd have to do something to activate it...otherwise no one would say spells or use their wands...
Petunia starts screaming hysterically whilst Vernon stares of into the distance and Harry laughs his face off. This family is really, really, messed up.
They get home, and Dudley is still hyperventilating and soaking wet (somehow), and Vernon only grabs Harry by the hair and interrogates him now.
Vernon: SURELY OUR SON ISNT STUPID ENOUGH TO WANDER INTO AN ENCLOSURE!
IT MUST HAVE BEEN CHUUUUU! WHAT DID YA DO?
Harry: Iuno, it was like magic or some shit.
Vernon, hating the thought of magic, locks Harry in the staircase and closes the only airhole. Great move there!
The start of a new scene now!
An owl (again, why?) somehow knows every address in the world and can recognise English writing to find out where to go. It drops the letter and through an undefined magic of parchment; it lands into the mail chute nicely. Also, it's daytime yet the owl is wide awake and ready to journey for many hours on end.
Harry; lacking creativity and wearing the same thing as in the last scene, picks up the mail.
Harry: Spam, Spam, Postcard, spam...Holy shit! A letter addressed to me! Wait, why is my room in the address, I mean, seriously. And why is the word 'under' italicized? Is there another Harry Potter who lives above the stairs? Hmmm...I've never gotten a letter before and the Dursleys would'not let me read it anyway...so I could hide it and read it in privet; I mean private, but I think the smart option is to make it blatantly obvious that someone is writing to me...
Harry: BAHAHAHAHAH! DUDLEY! You look like such a douche at the moment. Seriously, why are you wearing your uniform if we're on our vacation?
Dudley: *snatches letter* OH LOOK DAD! HARRYS GOT A STALKER!
Vernon: *looks at who sent it* *surprised angry face*
Nothing else needed in this scene, NEXT!
Another owl magically drops the same kind of letter into the mail chute and sits next to two other owls.
MEANWHILE, AT HOGWARTS:
Dumbledore: Hmmm...we sent the first letter yesterday and we didn't get an immediate reply. He must not have gotten it or he ignored it. SEND MORE OWLS I SAY! CUT DOWN THE AMAZON! I DO NOT REALLY CARE!
Vernon: *rips letters in angry fit*
Harry: *plays with toy soldiers because he is that cool*
Vernon: *drills cover over mail chute* Doing this has to stop those idiots! I mean, how else could they possibly send us letters?
Harry: Won't that stop other important letters from coming in?
Vernon: SHUT UP!
SKIP AHEAD A DAY OR SO
Petunia and Vernon are standing outside, kissing eachother goodbye; and NOW they notice the owls on their car, you know, not when the first left the house, or not when they screeched every few seconds.
Vernon: *swinging briefcase* Shoo! Go away! Yelling and flapping my arms about whilst at least 5 metres from the car has to be enough to get rid of owls!
Petunia notices about 5 letters on the ground, another tree weeps as Vernon burns them in the fireplace, cackling menacingly at Harry as he does so.
Vernon: EVIL PAPER! BURN TO HELL I SAY!
Harry: *dagger eyes*
Vernon: ARGH! MY HEART! IT BLEEDS FROM YOUR EYE DAGGERS!
NEXT DAY:
Vernon: Sundays are awesome. There's no post on Sundays in our world, so there must not be any post on Sundays in the magical world. It only makes sense.
Vernon is hit in the head by a letter for being an ignorant tool. Harry looks out the window to see about a hundred owls sitting on the house, because they don't just fly back after sending whatever they send...
Then we hear an earthquake! Vernon knows what to do! He covers his ears because the noise of an earthquake is your biggest concern...
AND HUNDREDS OF LETTERS FLY THROUGH THE FIREPLACE!
Harry: Okay. This is absolutely ridiculous. If each owl can only carry one letter, there must be a giant carousel of owls above our fireplace, continuously dropping letters! And why do they still fly about when they land on the ground. They should just hit something and drop, not fly around the place.
Letter: FUCK PHYSICS! LET US DO AS WE PLEASE!
Laughing in the face of Harry, the letters fly aound him as he pathetically jumps up and down trying to catch one in the air.
Author: Just take one off the ground.
Harry: NOOOOO! Three second rule!
Everyone but Harry goes into the foetal position, because letters are scarier than sharks and spiders and zombies...
Petunia: AAAAAAAH! PAPERCUT!
Harry finally manages to get one after a few days of jumping around. Vernon chases him, not wanting for him to read the letter. He manages to grab and molest him while his victim complains that they're his letters.
Vernon: Oh! Are they? You should've said so earlier and I would've let you go!
Vernon, in all his wisdom, decides that the family shall move away to somewhere where they can't find them. In the meantime, it is really unclear on how they managed to be rid of all the letters and find time to pack and not let Harry get to one. Harry really must like the honesty rule.
Vernon: Where's somewhere where they can't find us?
Harry: The middle of the ocean?
Vernon: PERFECT! LET'S GO!
Cue sad music as Harry cries and draws a birthday cake in the ground. As Dudley's watch beeps at midnight (really annoying as you'd think it'd wake you up) Harry reminds himself to make a wish, or else he might have forgotten.
Hagrid breaks down the door.
Harry: YES! MY WISH CAME TRUE! NOW I CAN HAVE A MALE HOOKER FOR THE NIGHT!
Hagrid: Actually, I'm here to give you this green cake, and to take you away.
Vernon: *pointing with shotgun* Get out you pussy! And take your pink umbrella with you!
Hagrid: *bends shotgun upwards* Next time it'll be the inside of your pants.
Vernon fires a shot, and instead of it hitting thebent part of the gun, it follows the illogical path of curving abruptly.
JK Rowling: I 3 PHYSICS :D
Hagrid: Ohaither Harry *looking at Dudley*
Harry: No, I'm Harry.
Hagrid: Of course you are!
Harry: O.o
Hagrid: Anyway, here's that cake I mentioned. If there's nothing else, I'll be on my way...
Harry: Yea...who the hell are you?
Hagrid: Me names Hagrid, I'm the keeper of keys and grounds at Hogwarts.
Harry: What does keeping keys entail?
Hagrid: No freaking clue.
Harry: What's Hogwarts?
Hagrid: Didn't you evah wonder where your parents learnt it all?
Harry: ...The brothel?
Hagrid: You're a douche harry.
Harry: A what?
Hagrid: A DOUCHE! And a good one at that with a bit of training.
Harry: But I can't be a douche. I'm just Harry.