MADNESS SWINGS WIDE

MUSHROOMS

"This is amazing."

"Amazing? I think it's more than that, Pond. Think. Before I brought you here, you thought that Underland was fictional. A place in a book, non-existent, somewhere you wouldn't visit even in your wildest of dreams-"

"So where's this?" The Doctor's rant ground to a halt, and he looked around him, the beginnings of a frown fixated in place. As far as Amy could see, the ground was littered in tiny, coloured mushrooms that gave the eye-aching effect of a psychedelic canvas. "I mean, I know we're in Wonder- Underland, but where exactly?"

"I'm not sure." The Doctor picked a red, glistening mushroom and sniffed it. "But I think the TARDIS is trying to tell us that we're too big." Whistling nonchalantly, the Doctor began to scoop up the mushrooms as if they were sweets. "I see that they're colour coded… now I just have to work out the code…"

Knowing that to talk now would really wind the Doctor up, Amy contented herself with picking as many mushrooms as she could. God knows why he's doing it. Pretending to know what the hell she was doing, she studied each one carefully and made the appropriate 'hmm' and 'ahh' noises of deep thought. A red one, a yellow one, that green makes it look mouldy, gross! A blue one… The Doctor meanwhile was getting himself into a bit of a pickle. Mushrooms cascading from his overloaded arms, it didn't help that he had to push the hair from his eyes every few seconds. With a sudden roar of frustration, he dropped the entire load and pulled out his sonic screwdriver. "This should do it, and if it doesn't I'll be quite pleased to see the entire lot burn." The green light flashed over the fungi, and obligingly the yellow, green and pink ones gently began to smoulder. The red and blue ones however, remained untouched. The Doctor didn't seem to become particularly over-excited by this; his frown deepened further. "Blue and red, interesting combination… awful if you're talking about décor. But which colour do we need?"

Amy felt that it was about the right time she offered her available, if slightly ignorant services. "Could I help?"

For the first time in half an hour, the Doctor spared his companion a glance. "Ah, Amy!" His charming, familiar grin lit up the entire face that was previously screwed up in frustration. "Here, as you might like to say it, is your moment. I do believe you're adaptable to change?"

"Let me think for a second," Amy pretended to muse, sarcasm being a favourite device of hers along with her fiery temperament. "One day I'm leading a normal, if slightly boring life, and the next I'm riding around in a police box, complete with Time Lord and any adventure I've ever dreamed of. Yes, I think I might be adaptable to change."

"Excellent! Now," The Doctor plucked from the ground a red and blue mushroom, then handed them to her. "If you would be so kind as to try these… only the blue and red ones matter, don't worry, the rest you can do something useful like make an omelette. Did I tell you I can cook? Paris, eighteenth century. Wonderful stuff, fabulous cuisine. And I'm the only living reminder." He gave a slightly manic chuckle, deliberately ignoring, or so Amy thought, the withering look that she was shooting in his direction.

"Er, Doctor?" She let the mushrooms fall to the ground. "I'm not eating these. No way."

"DON'T WASTE THEM!" The Doctor's lanky frame stooped down as quick as lightning, grabbing the mushrooms from the hefty smoking pile he dropped moments earlier. "I thought you said you wanted to help. If you're going to just stand there being useless, then I suggest you go back to the TARDIS. I'll have my fun and perhaps come back in a day or two."

"Can't you eat them?"

The Doctor flashed her a surprisingly sharp glance. "Can I eat them? Of course I can. But I thought you said you wanted to help."

"I don't want to help anymore."

The Doctor gave a sigh. "You will have to eat them eventually, you know."

"I'll just go back to the TARDIS then…"

"Oh for goodness sake, Pond…" The Doctor, lifted the blue mushroom to his mouth, and bit off a sizeable chunk. "Smaller," he said calmly, and flashed Amy a smile. For a short while nothing happened, and the Doctor and Amy were just staring at each other, both waiting expectantly with half smiles of confusion on their faces. Amy blinked, and the next thing she knew the Doctor was shooting upwards, his already long legs growing as if they were dough being stretched by a rolling pin, features fast becoming distorted. His companion could only watch as he towered above her, the growth spurt slowing and finally stopping at about sixteen feet. "Ah! Well," The Doctor glanced casually down, then at the half eaten blue mushroom in his hand. "At least we now know which is which, I suppose."

"Doctor!" Amy cupped her hands to her mouth, and called desperately up towards the giant above. "Are you okay?"

"What?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, Amy, I'm fine." The Doctor replied, now studying the red mushroom. "I just wonder…" Before Amy could stop him, the Doctor popped the entire fungus in his mouth, and this time, Amy noticed, it was as if he was shutting up like a telescope.

"Doctor? I can't see you!"

"Down here," A miniscule voice floated upwards, and Amy caught sight of the Time Lord sitting under what looked like a giant daisy. "Curiouser, and curiouser." The Doctor took in his new miniature features and gave an appreciative laugh. "Now Amy," he yelled up towards the stunned girl. "Pick a red mushroom, but just take a bite. I was sixteen feet when I ate mine, and you're only six."

"Only? Some women would kill to have my height and figure."

"Just eat the mushroom, Pond. I want to see my friends!"

What friends? Amy cautiously plucked at a red mushroom, and nibbled an edge. Sure enough, a couple of seconds later, she was sitting by the Doctor, who was looking at her critically.

"You're taller than me. I'm not sure I like it. Eat some more!"

Amy ignored him, and instead brushed a hand over the bitten mushroom in front of her, now in her perspective roughly the size of a large umbrella. "My aunt once said that I should never try shrooms at parties. They do funny things to you."

The Doctor pulled himself to his feet, and offered her a hand. "You're not at a party now. I won't tell auntie if you don't."

Amy grabbed the help and yanked herself up. "I don't think telling auntie will be necessary. But these shrooms definitely go beyond Class A…"