SM owns stuff, i dont.

"I am a frayed and nibbled survivor in a fallen world, and I am getting along. I am aging and eaten and have done my share of eating too. I am not washed and beautiful, in control of a shining world in which everything fits, but instead am wondering awed about on a splintered wreck I've come to care for, whose gnawed trees breathe a delicate air, whose bloodied and scarred creatures are my dearest companions, and whose beauty bats and shines not in its imperfections but overwhelmingly in spite of them..."

- Annie Dillard

JPOV

I sat there seething. I felt a metaphorical bucket of shit rain down on me yet again. Maybe Emmett was right and I am Emo. God help me, I'll toss my own arse in the fire if I start writing poetry containing Nihilistic views. I had run far enough away to avoid the smell of her blood and the tsunami of emotions that added to my current vacation into insanity.

Step one, get my shit together. I'm a fucking soldier, I'm meant to be self disciplined. I've followed my orders like the good little vamp I am and I still fuck up. First I lost my family to the Civil War, then I lost my humanity to Maria and finally my balls to Alice and the Cullens. I don't know who the fuck I am anymore, but whoever Jasper is I don't fucking like him.

I just lost my shit over the poster child to kindness. Bella doesn't just attract danger, she courts Murphy's Law . Things hadn't been going too badly. Sure Bella was irritated with the attention she was getting and would have preferred we didn't spend any money on her, but she is so damn nice. I had been looking forward to her 18th Birthday thinking I had the perfect gift for her, one she'd appreciate more than some trinket. I was even able to keep it secret from Alice and Edward. I got Jenks to arrange it, knowing Alice wouldn't bother looking into his future and I managed to keep my mind on other things.

Three weeks ago I got in touch with Jenks with $10,000 to be donated to various literacy charities in the Seattle area. Bella was always selfless and her love of books had always been something I'd wanted to chat with her about. It was frustrating to say the least that I couldn't control myself enough to befriend the girl. She probably thought I hated her or had been offended by her, but it really had more to do with the inability to find a muzzle for me.

I still had the paperwork for the donations in my pocket, I'd been hoping to give them to her as she left. I didn't want to cause a scene, just give her something to show I care despite my aloofness towards her. I could feel her guilt every time she walked in the room, she obviously thought her presence caused me some discomfort. I was trying to cut through the martyrdom bullshit, I needed to show her she couldn't possibly upset me if she tried. This attitude had been the one thing that really irritated me about her, all that fucking self blame. It was almost narcissistic the things she took responsibility for, I'm surprised she didn't blame herself for the weather.

However, here I am. Sitting on my arse like a useless growth trying to get my head around everything. The paper cut tore the little self control I possessed. Everything was going to change. In the matter of seconds I destroyed the trust I had built over the decades. There was no way in hell Alice would keep me now, not unless she could find a trolley and restraints like in the movie the Silence of the Lambs. Ironic really, I can picture Carlisle and Esme introducing me to friends "oh don't mind him, he's the resident monster." or "Eat your veggies kids or you'll end up like him". I snorted.

I heard Emmett approach "is this a private pity party or can anyone join?"

"Sorry Em, is Bella ok?"

"She'll be ok, its Ed you've got to worry about"

"He didn't hurt her, did he? I'm still fuzzy on the details"

"he threw her into a table, which incidentally is when you lost your mind, she needed stiches but is ok otherwise. I have to warn you, Ed's an empaths worst nightmare at the moment, it also doesn't help that the empath tried to use his mate as a chew toy".

"oh fuck" I whimpered. A toughened Major, and I sit here fucking whimpering. This was screwed up, what the fuck do I do now? Alice approached and Emmett went back to the family.

"Allice, I'm so sorry"

"Jazz, I cant do this anymore. I think you should go to Peter and Charlotte"

"Please, please I can't do this without you. I don't want to hurt anyone Alice. I'm so sorry I went for Bella, I care about her. I really don't want to lose anyone". Definitely not my proudest moment. I know I was delaying the inevitable, but I was drowning. I couldn't handle this. "I cant deal with this anymore Jazz, I'm sorry. I need you to leave, I've contacted Peter. He's expecting you"

"I don't want to give up being vegetarian Alice, if I go there I'm more likely to slip"

"I'm sorry Jasper, that isn't my problem anymore. I'll have Jenks send the divorce papers to Peter's."

"Oh fuck, no, please Alice" I was just about ready to vomit. "Bye Jazz".

It had been a month since Alice left. I'd sat in that clearing for 4 days until Peter came to fetch me. It was times like that I envied humans. Shit is easier to deal with when you had the option of an altered state of consciousness. Sleep, alcohol, hell even death. None of those fucking options were available for me anymore.

I had been running on instinct during my time in the field. Autopilot I guess you'd call it. When Peter arrived he did what he could to transport me. He knew I'd beat the shit out of him if he carried me so he took the military approach. "Major!" I arose. I knew it wasn't a direct order, but I was slipping back into a comfortable role. One where I wasn't required to think. I would always be the superior officer and Peter used that to his advantage.

He got me to their property in Montana. I didn't speak a word, I didn't need to. He had spoken to her so I didn't need to do shit. I was already well fed, I'd killed everything and anything in a one mile radius of the field.

Peter and Charlotte were well acquainted with me in this state, I'd been the same after I had left Maria. Again, they'd be there for me and helped me rejoin the land of the living (dead). Slowly I came out of my mental barricade. I was able to discuss what happened. I knew they wouldn't judge, but I still felt the need for someone to kick my arse. Peter refused to spar with me, knowing I was still too close to my military mode and likely to tear him a new arsehole.

Thankfully, recovering this time was easier. I'd been well acquainted with upheaval and was able to short cut a lot of shit. The recovery process would be the same as when I left Maria. This was still going to be difficult for me to come to grips with, Vampires didn't handle change well, how could we when time ceased to matter? There was no way to rest our mind, therefore no way to see problems "in the light of a new day". We had perfect memory, so how could our feelings change when we remember everything within our own context and experience perfectly? We suffer from strong emotions and overactive minds and there is no off switch.

My mind whirled through the key events of my life. Unfortunately, the bad experiences always override the good experiences. Generally, this means I'm fucked. I was looking for perspective. True, I had done a lot worse in my past, but I had never had as much to lose. I tried to compare the guilt I felt for this situation over the guilt of my past, but my guilt for Bella was compounded with my past guilt. Clearly, the past wasn't going to help.

This whole fuck up was because of my bloodlust. The only way to stop this shit from happening again would be to try and get control. I've been working on my bloodlust with the help of Peter and Charlotte. When they return from hunting the local crooks they carry the bloodied clothes of their victims. I've lost control a few times, leaving Peter with a few fresh bite marks, but this will work. It has to.

Bella never left my thoughts the entire time. I'm hoping that when I am better psychologically I would be able to send my apologies. Whether she'll accept them is another matter, however I have to do something. I've been enough of a lump as it is. I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself, at least she has the support of the family. They had abandoned me.

I would always be thankful for Peter and Char, they were the closest thing to true family I had. With them I never feel like a dog who has made a mess on the carpet. However, despite being a weak link I still I miss the Cullens, I wish I could make amends.

Its 6am and time to test my control. I put my book down and headed to meet Peter and Char, this time the blood soaked clothes are still wet. I stand my ground as they approach, locking my joints so I don't succumb. I take deep breaths, Peter pauses 100 feet away until I get used to it, then decreases the distance slowly. It's a long process, but effective long term, I hope.

Today is the first day I don't try to attack Peter for the blood soaked shirt. Sneaky fucker even held it within an inch of my nose, but I kept my self in check. About fucking time! I felt like some weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I had a long way to go but it was a great first step.

With the first milestone out of the way Peter set about step two, aversion therapy. He kept fresh human blood tightly sealed, but arranged that there would be an electric current on the outside of the container. If I went for the blood I was toasted and received a shit eating grin from Peter.

In celebration of this headway to a less neutered, more controlled Jasper I was taken to buy clothes. Normally this chore would cause me hours of discomfort and humiliation with a small pixie. Thank god Alice wasn't going to interfere anymore, she could be like a terrier with poor bladder control when it came to shopping. I was looking forward to getting back to basics.

We went to the local town and I was almost giddy as I put on my first pair of jeans in decades. Peter felt my euphoria and needed to add "if you're a good little Major you can even pick out your own underwear"

"wont need it, what I have is going on the bonfire with the rest of the clothes".

I felt closer to being at peace, even in the Mall crowd. The blood didn't bother me as much as it had at the Cullens. Peter and Charlotte had recently fed and their bloodlust as human drinkers wasn't as crippling to me as the bloodlust from a large coven of vegetarian Vampires.

Peter had an idea, tonight we were going to have a bonfire to dispose of Jasper Hale's beige existence and beige clothing. Once again I would become Major Jasper Fucking Whitlock. I had received all the new identification today when Jenks had sent the divorce papers.

Returning home we immediately arranged the clothing bonfire. With each item added to the pyre a new sense of relief was reached. Charlotte had particular fun throwing the underwear on the fire, even sneaking a few pairs of Peter's into it. Peter, being the smart arse he is, ran off giggling. He returned a few seconds later, holding the ingredients for smores.

I was still heartbroken from how Alice and the Cullens left me but, I was able to find small comfort in returning to the things I enjoy. It was a relief to think for myself and I noticed that life wasn't that much of a struggle as I thought it had been. I was no longer trying to be something I'm not. I was no longer Maria's monster and I wasn't the uptight black sheep of the Cullen family. For the first time since my change I felt closer to the human Jasper.

Finally, I had my emotions under control enough to tackle what had happened at Bella's 18th. I wrote to her, hoping it would get past Edward's censorship and she would be able to forgive me in the future. Whether she would respond to my letter would another matter entirely.