Kurosaki Ichigo: Seireitei Gigolo

By Andrew J. Talon and The EroSennin

Based upon an idea by byakuryuu

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Bleach is the property of Noriaki "Tite" Kubo, Shonen Jump, Viz and others. Please support the official release.

Author's Note: This is a collaboration with The Sage of Toads, and is officially part of his "Interview" verse. How far it will go is up to him, but until we decide that, enjoy.

It had ended, not with a bang as many had thought it would. Nor with a whimper, as others might think.

No, the conflict between Hueco Mundo and Soul Society, for the sake of all creation, had ended with two words:

"Oh fuck."

Indeed, the normally unflappable Sosuke Aizen, renegade and omnicidal maniac was not one to use profanity. It was beneath him to utter vulgar terms as to resort to such language was to show a lack of options. Which Aizen never had a lack of, hence his cool, collected exterior.

However, the moment Ichigo Kurosaki and Inoue Orihime had broken through the barrier between Hueco Mundo and the Real World, the latter's Shun Shun Rikka: Sôten Kisshun on her lips, Aizen uttered his last words just before he was erased from reality.

A silence fell over the battlefield as the assorted combatants in the conflict ceased their fighting. All eyes turned on the orange haired pair that had, with a single strike, ended the war and saved the universe. What words might these heroes, these paragons of virtue have to say in regards to their great victory.

"Fucking finally," Ichigo sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Took forever to get here."

"I don't think it was all bad, Kurosaki-kun," Orihime said brightly. "First month was the worst, but after that it really picked up!"

"That's only because of that thing we swore to never speak of again," Ichigo said flatly. Orihime frowned and rubbed her chin.

"You mean the talking magic ponies?"

"No, the other thing," Ichigo said.

"That funny blue police box-"

"The other other thing," Ichigo gently admonished, as though used to it.

"... Bicycling mongoose?" Orihime guessed. Ichigo thought about it, then shrugged and nodded.

"Sure, why not?"

"Oh, not a problem Kurosaki-kun," Orihime said cheerfully. "I won't say a word about it! ... Except I already have so... Do I say a negative word now to counter it?"

"Kurosaki... Do you have an explanation?" Yamamoto, Supreme Captain of Soul Society, inquired with a baffled expression. Ichigo turned and shrugged as Orihime tried to sort out mathematics and language in equal measure.

"There's a three month time difference between here, Hueco Mundo, and the dimension between the two. We got stuck in it and trained for a good long while before I could burst through, and she was confident she could take down Aizen." Ichigo crossed his arms over his chest and nodded. "So, can we go home now or what Old Man?"

Yamamoto opened his mouth... Closed it... Then reopened it.

"Of course... Now that Aizen is dealt with," Yamamoto said.

"And Orihime is not a prisoner or traitor, correct?" Ichigo asked. Yamamoto nodded.

"Correct."

Ichigo slumped. "Good... God..." He looked over at Orihime. "Inoue, it's fine. You don't need to worry about it."

"Oh! All right," Orihime said with a smile. "Um... Thank you Kurosaki-kun."

Ichigo nodded and looked at Yamamoto. "My friends had better not be traitors either, got it?"

Yamamoto nodded. "Of course."

With that, Ichigo and Orihime headed off, walking on the air with ease to check with their friends on this side. Ukitake Jûshirô and Kyôraku Shunsui, Yamamoto's closest captains, approached their mentor.

"Oi, Old Man... You're taking this rather well," Shunsui observed.

"Quite reserved," Jûshirô added.

"I just saw Kurosaki's kid and his girlfriend defeat Aizen in a single shot," Yamamoto said wryly. "I think the best thing to do right now is bind our wounds... And drink. Drink heavily."

Shunsui laughed. "Now that's what I'm talking about, Old Man..."

Following the festivities, the parties, and the elation of knowing you'd just ended a threat to the entire universe, things returned to normal for Kurosaki Ichigo. In fact, it was a normality he'd frankly craved from the moment Orihime had been taken to Hueco Mundo.

Not that he minded being a shinigami. Frankly, it was fucking awesome. However, he preferred to be able to enjoy it without the constant threat of traitor Shinigami captains, super-powered Hollows, or various random vampires, revenge-hungry Shinigami, Soul Society nobility power struggles or rogue Zanpakutos showing up to try and destroy the world, kill his friends or otherwise ruin his fucking day.

And all of that within the space of a month!

Ichigo felt as though far too much had been crammed into his life lately. Hence, he had the perfect escape.

"2005 Mazda Axela," Ichigo said, holding the printed out ad up to his comrades as they ate lunch up on the school roof. "Looks perfect for me."

"Woah!" Keigo exclaimed as he leaned over his lunch to read. "An L3-VDT engine with 260 horsepower! Zero to sixty in only a couple of seconds! That's... Really awesome, right?"

"It'll suit my needs," Ichigo said.

"So, a car already Kurosaki?" Uryu asked, pushing his glasses up his nose. "Have you considered how to pay for it?"

Ichigo smirked. "Yes, I have. And it'll work just fine, too."

"NO ICHIGO, I WILL NOT PAY FOR YOUR NEW CAR!" Isshin Kurosaki bellowed, holding his arms up. He grinned. "You may have thought asking me for money would work but now I have made that moment where you thought of it ironic, haven't I? OOF!"

A kick from Ichigo to his face sent Isshin flying into the wall. Isshin got up immediately and grinned as Ichigo glared.

"Come on! I saved the frigging world, doesn't that give me the right to have one car?"

"If I had not given birth to you, you would not have saved the world, therefore the payment still resides with me!" Isshin declared dramatically. Ichigo glared back.

"And if you had just told me you were a shinigami, all this might not have happened!"

"Ah, but it did! So the money is staying right where it is," Isshin said, crossing his arms over his chest. He grinned. "You'll just have to settle for getting it yourself! It will be far more rewarding for a lazy son like you!"

"Lazy? I SAVED THE WORLD!" Ichigo shouted. "I nearly DIED dozens of times! I've fought vampires, Shinigami, Arrancar, Hollows, my own damn Zanpakuto, fucking ninjas...!"

"Yes, but what have you done for it lately?" Isshin asked flatly. "Your life can't just be saving the world when it needs saving! You must contribute to it in a more productive way!"

Ichigo considered his options. He could continue to argue with his dad and beat the crap out of him, which would do no good. Or, like an adult, he could agree and go get a job.

"All right, I will," Ichigo said.

"AHA! THAT'S THE SPIRIT! SUFFER AS A WORKING STIFF LIKE YOUR OLD MAN, SON! IT IS THE WAY OF THE WORLD AND-GAAAHHH!"

Ichigo punched his father out a nearby window, and nodded in satisfaction as he crashed into a trash can outside.

"I'm an adult, so I'm defining what that means from now on," he decided. He activated his laptop and started searching, paying no mind to his father's yelps or the accompanying yowls of neighborhood cats.

"OUCH! NO, BAD KITTY AAHH THAT'S NOT A FISH EEEEP!"

A few moments later, a familiar masculine voice came through his window.

"Did you have to spoil my dinner?"

"I didn't know you were there, Yoruichi-san," Ichigo said flatly. The black cat scampered through the window and onto Ichigo's bed, before heading over to jump onto his desk. She peered at his laptop screen, interested.

"Job hunting, are we?"

"Yeah," Ichigo said, scanning through several possibilities. He scowled. "Being a shinigami isn't going to pay for a car... Or the insurance."

"No, it won't," Yoruichi chuckled. "But at the same time, how many skills do you have that aren't related to fighting? That might limit your job options a bit..." The cat took on a lascivious expression. "Shame you weren't born a girl. You could do compensation dating."

"That's prostitution!" Ichigo sputtered. Yoruichi chuckled.

"Still so prudish... Oh! I know!" She grinned. "You could be an escort."

"That's also prostitution!" Ichigo retorted, looking and feeling quite annoyed. Yoruichi chuckled again.

"Only if you have sex~."

"And there's no chance of that! Ichigo, you are an ugly, scowling punk! No woman would ever think of touching you!" Kon, Ichigo's mod soul, announced. His fluffy lion body leaped up on top of the desk, and he pointed a paw in Ichigo's face.

"I, on the other hand, am a ladies' man! No woman can resist me! With my charms and your looks, I might actually get some play-GMMPH!" Ichigo punched Kon into the nearby wall, not looking away from the screen. "So cruel...!"

"This looks promising," Ichigo said aloud. "'Wanted: Security Guard for shop.' Easy enough."

Yoruichi hummed thoughtfully. "This could be good. Though it's still a considerable waste of your talents."

Ichigo smirks. "I get to beat people up. It's good enough for me."

The job wasn't quite all it was cracked up to be.

"You're late!" Ikumi Unagiya stated flatly, after kicking Ichigo in the face and sending him to the pavement.

"Ugh... Again?" Ichigo groaned. He popped up, irritated. "Sorry!" He sighed and rubbed his nose as Ikumi looked at him imperiously. It hadn't really hurt but it was annoying. "So, what's up?"

"The usual. There are some punks who've been casing the store, and while I can handle them myself tonight is an important night for me and I can't be bothered. So go drive them off for me."

"Got it," Ichigo grunted. He turned and headed off, but paused. He looked over his shoulder at Ikumi, who was staring at him. "What?"

"Nothing! Do your job, guard dog," she said flatly as she turned and headed back into her shop. Ichigo snorted through his nostrils and headed off.

After dealing with the punks and sending them fleeing, Ichigo returned to the shop. Not seeing Ikumi in the main shop, he hopped over the counter and headed to the back of the shop. He entered the office.

"Ikumi, I'm done with..." He trailed off and blinked. An empty bottle in Ikumi's hand wobbled, and fell over onto the desk. Ikumi leaned backwards in her chair, staring at Ichigo through bleary eyes.

"Hey, are you all right?" Ichigo asked.

"Huh? N-No... I'm fine..." Ikumi mumbled. Ichigo frowned. The empty bottle of Jack Daniels said otherwise.

"No you're not," he said. He leaned over the desk and scrutinized her closely. Ikumi scowled.

"I don't need you to examine me, guard dog!" Ikumi snarled, shoving him back.

"Gah! Fine, geez!" Ichigo said with a scowl. He turned to go out the door, before Ikumi spoke again in a softer tone.

"It's..."

Ichigo turned his head to look over his shoulder at Ikumi. She was staring down at the desk.

"It's the anniversary of the death of Kaoru's Dad," she admitted. She looked up with bleary eyes and scowled. "I'm just a little depressed..."

Ichigo slowly sat down in the chair across the desk. "I'm sorry."

Ikumi scowled. "I didn't hire you for sympathy!"

"No! It's free," Ichigo growled back.

Ikumi stared back for a long moment. Ichigo glared back at her. After a while, Ikumi slowly nodded. She turned in her chair and slowly reached out to the cabinet by her desk. She pulled out another bottle and glass, and set the glass down. Shakily, she poured the bottle into the glass, and when it was full she pushed it over to Ichigo.

"I'll pay you extra if you'll sit here and drink with me," Ikumi said. Ichigo stared at the drink in silence, before he took up the glass in his hand.

"I won't take the money," Ichigo said flatly. Ikumi shrugged.

"Then shut up and drink for free," she said. She took a swig of her new bottle, while Ichigo sipped at his liquor with a grimace.

"Ugh...!" He coughed.

Ikumi snickered. "Lightweight, huh? I figure a delinquent like you drinks all the time."

"Pfft! No... Couldn't get past the smell," Ichigo said with another cough. He took more sips and slowly got used to it. It wasn't any worse than the medications in Soul Society Unohana had shoved down his throat.

"So... Why did you take the job?" Ikumi asked, swirling the liquor around in the bottle. She stared at Ichigo through the empty bit of the bottle.

"I need the money for a car," Ichigo said. Ikumi blinked.

"That's all?"

"That's all," Ichigo said. He shrugged thoughtfully. "Maybe some money for college..." Ikumi began to snicker. He scowled as his employer began to laugh harder. "What? What's so funny?"

"Nothing, nothing...it's just funny that a kid with your rep is so," she snickered. "...Upstanding."

"I can't help it if people judge me based on what I look like," Ichigo shrugged. He frowned. "What did you think I was after?"

"I don't know... Money, power..." Ikumi licked her lips. "Women? Like Scarface. You seem like you'd be a fan."

"I am... But look what happened to him in the end," Ichigo snickered. Ikumi laughed as well.

"Yeah... Still... Money? Power? Women? Those don't interest you?"

"Money's just something I need. Power...?" Ichigo remembered what it felt like to first achieve Bankai, to master his hollow state, all of it... "I'm good." He shrugged. "As for women... That's complicated."

"Complicated, for a bad boy like you?" Ikumi teased. Ichigo shrugged, leaning back a little more in his chair.

"Yeah..."

"A bunch of girls after you at once?" Ikumi pressed, resting her elbows on the desk as she peered under the brim of her hat at him. Ichigo licked his lips as he felt her gaze penetrating him, and his gaze moved down to his own glass.

"Yeah..." He lifted his glass up to his lips and sipped.

"You fuck any of them?" Ikumi asked. Ichigo shook his head.

"No! No..."

"Why not?" Ikumi asked. Ichigo snorted.

"Complicated..."

"So you're..." Ikumi covered her mouth as she snickered. "You've never... Hahahahaha!"

"S-So?" Ichigo said defensively. "So what?"

"Just... Unexpected," Ikumi said in a softer, silkier tone. Ichigo felt a thrill run up his spine. She was practically purring...

"You poor boy," she said in a little laugh. "Orange hair..." She shot him an impish smile. "Blue balls."

"It's not that funny!" Ichigo said defensively.

"I think it is," Ikumi smirked. She poured herself more and held her glass up, slowly, to her lips. Ichigo took another, deeper swig and snorted.

"Thanks, that's so helpful," he said sarcastically.

"Do you want my help?" Ikumi asked.

"How would you help me?" Ichigo said flatly, raising his glass to his lips again. Just as he was drinking, Ikumi spoke.

"I could take your pesky virginity."

Ichigo choked, and spat out the burning liquor onto the table. His eyes shot wide open as he stared in shock at Ikumi. His boss was casually running her finger over the neck of her bottle, her eyes dark.

"Wh-What?"

"It was a hypothetical suggestion, not a proposition," she said easily. She slowly got up, and keeping one hand on the desk to steady her, she walked around the desk. Ichigo felt the urge to back away, but somehow the warm fuzziness in his head from the alcohol kept him still.

Ikumi sat down in his lap, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She pressed her breasts against his chest and Ichigo suddenly became aware of just how large, firm and warm they were. Her darkened eyes stared into his, and the whiskey on her breath flowed over his face.

"Now... This is a proposition," she whispered. She leaned in and kissed him. "Mmm..."

Her tongue slid between his surprised lips, and Ichigo found his tongue clumsily responding. Their mouths began to fight, and instinctively Ichigo found himself battling hers as their tongues wrestled. His arms wrapped around her slim waist as he pulled her more tightly against himself, a new kind of warmth flowing through his body at the intense contact.

"Hnn... Mmm..." She broke the kiss and nuzzled his cheek. "Haa... Ichigo..."

"Yeah...?" Ichigo whispered back.

"It's been years since I've had sex, and I'm a little too far gone to be responsible for my actions. So, do you want to have sex with me?" Ikumi whispered into his ear, the heat of her breath seemingly sending a shock down to his groin. Ichigo groaned softly.

"If you make me cum, I'll give you a bonus~," she purred.

Inside, through the haze of warmth and the hard determination in his soul came a familiar voice.

Go for it King. What are you... A pussy?

Decision made, Ichigo pressed his lips back against Ikumi's and went for it.

And Ichigo made sure he earned that bonus, and then some.

After they were done, Ichigo found himself back where he'd started this whole thing-Sitting in the chair in front of Ikumi's desk. She was back in his lap, panting for breath as she nuzzled his neck. They were both naked, as well, and quite the mess had been left on the desk.

"No way... You're a virgin," she moaned softly. "No way..."

Ichigo couldn't help a little smirk that would have better fit the face of his inner Hollow.

"Believe what you want," he mumbled, running his fingers over her ribs. She giggled a little, and Ichigo found the sound intriguing.

After a short time though, Ikumi got off his lap. She walked unsteadily back behind her desk and sat down. She opened a drawer and pulled out a wad of cash. She set it down on the desk.

"Now... Take this... And go," Ikumi said. Ichigo blinked uncomprehendingly.

"Huh...?"

"Go... Before the buzz wears off, and this gets... Complicated," Ikumi said softly. Ichigo very slowly nodded, and took the cash. He got dressed and left without another word or look back.

A week later, Ichigo hadn't gotten a call back from Ikumi's place. Despite the booze, he'd remembered every moment and he'd felt torn between wanting to stay away and wanting to come back. The latter, however, was far more problematic than the former, so Ichigo busied himself trying to provide security to other clients.

It had felt unreal, like it hadn't actually happened. Which is why he felt such a shock when he received a message on his cellphone.

Meet me at my shop. ~Ikumi

Curiousity won out over anxiety, and Ichigo found himself standing in front of her shop ten minutes later. He reached out and hesitated for a moment before knocking on the door.

It opened, revealing Ikumi... Wearing a tight blouse that revealed she wore no bra, a short black skirt, and stockings. It was the kind of thing a woman wore to try to look sexy... Though in Ikumi's case, it wasn't trying if it was succeeding.

"Get in here," she said. She turned and walked to the back door towards the living area. Ichigo, a bit weirded out (but enjoying the view) followed her back.

In the living room, Ikumi sat down on the couch and held one leg over the other. She looked up at him with an almost business like expression save for the very faint blush staining her cheeks.

"Been a while since I called you in," she said.

"I was wondering if you would," Ichigo said carefully.

" Yeah, I'm sorry about that," Ikumi said. Ichigo remained silent, despite his jaw falling at her apologizing. It was good he did as Ikumi wasn't done.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think..." She paused only for a moment. "I want to do last week again."

"Ah? But... You were drunk," Ichigo responded automatically. Ikumi nodded slowly.

"It doesn't change the fact that I liked it," she said, still in a very business-like way. "So..." Ikumi pulled fifty thousand yen out of her cleavage, and set it down on the coffee table. Ichigo stared in no small amount of disbelief.

"So..." Ikumi took a deep breath. "I'm not unfair about this... I'll pay you this much for... For you to fuck me for two hours." She locked her eyes on his.

"But I..."

"It... It's fair," she said. "It's perfectly fair. Capitalism. You get what you want, I get what I want."

"But-"

"Kaoru's at school, he won't be home for hours," Ikumi said softly. She licked her lips, and lightly gripped the edge of the couch with her fingers. "So... What's it going to be?"

Ichigo stared for a long moment. Every so often, he'd receive insights into the people he met. Zaraki's philosophy about life, how Byakuya didn't want to kill Rukia, Renji's love for Rukia... Here, he felt like he was getting another.

It was the same insight that led him to sit down on the couch next to her, take her into his arms, and kiss her. She returned the kiss eagerly and wrapped her arms around him.

"Mmmmm..."

Some time later, Ichigo was staring up at the ceiling, Ikumi held in his arms. The older woman sighed softly and snuggled up against him, a smile on her face. Ichigo had to admit, he kind of liked that smile. His hands slid down over her stomach.

"Hnn..." She whined softly and giggled. "Don't... I-I'm ticklish..."

Ichigo smirked and actively tickled her. Ikumi giggled more, still playfully trying to push his hands away.

"Ahahaha... Hahahah... A-All right, all right...!" She laughed softly, taking his hands and gently but firmly moving them away. Ichigo relented, contenting himself with holding her.

"Mm... Damnit," she sighed as she looked over at the clock. "Kaoru will be here soon. You need to go."

Ichigo slowly nodded, and got up onto his feet. He dressed slowly as Ikumi watched. She smiled at him once he was done, and almost shyly pulled the covers up over her body.

"I would like to do this again," she said. "Next week... Same time?"

Ichigo nodded with a very small smile. "Sure."

He turned and headed out, hearing Ikumi sigh as she fell back onto the bed behind him. He allowed himself to smile a little longer, right out to the street headed for home.

"Kurosaki-san!"

Which he immediately doused when he heard the familiar voice of Urahara. He turned and saw the sandal hat-wearing former captain of Soul Society, smiling as usual and leaning on his cane.

"Hat and Clogs," Ichigo greeted back. "What's going on?"

"I was thinking we could go talk," Urahara said. Ichigo turned to look over his shoulder and saw Yoruichi in human form (and thankfully dressed) staring at him intently. He felt a twitch coming on.

"... Do I have a choice?" Ichigo asked flatly. Urahara smiled and fanned himself.

"Of course you do! It's just a simple conversation. Call it... An offer." His voice became ominous on that last note as he stared at Ichigo from beneath the shadow cast by his hat.

"Kisuke," Yoruichi said flatly. She smacked the back of Urahara's head, and moved back behind Ichigo just as quickly.

"Owowow! All right, all right," Urahara sighed. "Come on, Kurosaki-kun."

This cannot mean anything good, Ichigo thought to himself.

"We know you're sleeping with that Unagiya woman for money," said Yoruichi the moment all three of them were in the Urahara Shop around the proprietor's table.

I fucking knew it, Ichigo thought.

"You were spying on me?" Ichigo asked in a flat and angry tone.

"Call it looking out for my student," Yoruichi said with a smile and wink. "You'd be surprised how close an eye I keep on Soi-Fon."

In Soul Society...

"Whoever placed the camera in my shower will have two choices," Soi-Fon snarled to the assembled members of Second Division. "Death... Or more death. FIND THEM!"

"YES CAPTAIN!"

Back in the Living World...

"We're just a bit concerned Kurosaki-san, that's all," Urahara said. "After all, you're... How to put this politely...?"

"Anally repressed and have severe issues with intimacy," Yoruichi deadpanned. Urahara laughed.

"Yes! Of course!"

"Watch it," Ichigo growled.

"My apologies, Kurosaki-san," Urahara said. "It's just a bit out of character... Unless you and Inoue...?"

"No! No, we didn't! Nothing!" Ichigo said quickly.

"But you thought about it, didn't you?" Yoruichi asked with a teasing smile. Ichigo blushed a bit, and scowled angrily. He then looked down at the table between them.

"Yeah... A lot," he admitted. "But I couldn't do anything... It wouldn't be right."

"So what makes Unagiya different?" Urahara asked politely. Ichigo crossed his arms over his chest and hummed thoughtfully.

"... I guess... I kind of saw that she was lonely... But she wanted to stay lonely enough that she doesn't get hurt again," Ichigo admitted.

"That's a very wise insight, Ichigo," Yoruichi said with a genuine smile. She knit her fingers and set them on the table in front of her. Urahara nodded.

"Yes... In fact, it's something that's been plaguing the whole of Soul Society's women."

"Soul Society's women?" Ichigo asked, a bit confused.

"Yes. You've seen the issues they all have, haven't you?" Yoruichi asked. "Most of them haven't had meaningful romantic relationships in centuries. The war has also taken it's toll." She smiled. "I think that a boy like you could help them a great deal."

"By...?" Ichigo asked. The two older Shinigami stared at him. Ichigo stared back. His eyebrows rose.

"What? Oh no, no!" He held his hands up.

"Come now Kurosaki-san, it's perfect! You're already quite willing to sleep with women for money!" Urahara said cheerfully.

"And you'd get paid... Handsomely," Yoruichi said.

"And consider... By helping the various women of Soul Society with their issues via sex, you might be preventing the rise of another Aizen," Urahara pointed out. Ichigo flushed and scowled.

"How do you figure that?"

"Well, maybe if Aizen had had a healthy relationship with a woman he wouldn't have become a megalomaniac," Urahara suggested. At Ichigo's incredulous look Urahara shrugged. "It's certainly possible."

"What's your angle in all this, Hat and Clogs?" Ichigo asked suspiciously. Urahara smiled.

"Why, to promote the mental health and well being of the women of Soul Society, secure peace... And maybe make some extra money on the side as your He-Madam."

"He-Madam?" Ichigo asked incredulously.

"Would you prefer pimp?" Yoruichi asked with a wicked smile. Ichigo scowled.

"That's not funny!"

"But it's technically accurate," Urahara said.

"You don't have to say it!" Ichigo growled.

"Now now, calm down Ichigo, it's just a word," Yoruichi said. "You can call him your manager if you like. I'll make sure he only skims what's due him." She looked at him seriously. "Have I ever broken a promise I made to you?"

Ichigo shook his head. "No..."

"Well then, I promise you'll make as much money as you want, for whatever you want, and you'll get to help Soul Society in the bargain," Yoruichi said. She held out her hand. "So... Deal?"

Ichigo stared at her proffered hand for a bit, before looked back at her. "... I only have two rules. One, I get to see my finances... And two? No guys. Ever."

"Spoil my fantasies," Yoruichi pouted playfully. Nevertheless, she nodded and Ichigo shook her hand. Urahara's hand was shaken soon after (after Yoruichi had glared him into submission) and they sat for a few moments in silence. Urahara soon got up with a smile.

"Ah... Kurosaki-san, while you were quite... Proficient with Unagiya-san, I feel there is a great deal I can offer you in instruction in the course of your job."

"Ah... Hat and Clogs, I said no guys," Ichigo reminded him. Urahara shook his head rapidly.

"No no no, you misunderstand Kurosaki-san! I have arranged for you to receive some training from a woman in the arts of love, just to make sure you're quite prepared. Is this satisfactory?"

Ichigo considered it, then slowly nodded. "Sure... I guess. Who is it?"

"Oh... You've already met her," Urahara said with a smile. He opened the door and waved. "Have fun!" He closed the door behind him.

Very slowly, Ichigo turned his attention back to Yoruichi.

A smiling Yoruichi.

A smiling, totally naked Yoruichi.

"Ah... Yoruichi-san..." Ichigo began to scoot back. Cat like, Yoruichi got on top of the table and slinked right up to him. Their noses touched as Yoruichi's dark skin flushed a dark red.

"I watched you bang the lonely single mom for five hours, Ichigo," Yoruichi whispered as her strong fingers gripped his shirt. "I'm pretty sure you've got plenty left." With impressive strength and speed she slammed him back first onto the table.

"Urk!" Ichigo gasped. "B-But Yoruichi-san-!"

"No buts! I trained you to fight Byakuya, so now I'm going to train you to pleasure women," Yoruichi said with a naughty grin. "Trust me though... This is going to be no. Less. Difficult." She then purred as she ripped his shirt and pants off.

"But I'm sure it'll be a hell of a lot more fun."

Outside his shop on the steps, Urahara peacefully drank a cup of tea. Tessai walked up to him and sat down, wincing a bit as a cat-like yowl came through the walls of the shop.

"It is fortunate we sent the children off to play," Tessai noted. "They would think a cat was being tortured to death in there."

"Yes indeed," Urahara said with a wide smile. Tessai raised an eyebrow.

"You seem to be in great spirits, Manager. Why is that?"

"Simple," Urahara said as he sipped his tea. "Mmm... I'm enjoying the freedom a man can only feel... When he's condemned some other poor sucker to his fate."

Tessai raised his other eyebrow. "You realize she might kill the boy."

"Bah. If he could survive Aizen he can survive her," Urahara said. "Besides... Even if he doesn't, he still can't escape her..." He finished his tea with a grin. "And I'm still off the hook."

Please review, even if it's just to tell us what a horrible pair of perverts we are.