A/N: This is my first humor/parody. I've written humor before, but never humor/parody. This is inspired by a drawing by One Man Writing Games.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, and again, a certain Logan Henderson is all too glad.
Hood Logan
Carlos started sputtering and coughing as chocolate milk went up his nose. He gazed at Logan as though he had suddenly sprouted three heads, wings, and had a Cyclops eye. Meanwhile, Logan was completely flabbergasted by Carlos' bizarre behavior. Was it because of his request? Logan didn't really think his request was all that ridiculous.
"I'm sorry. You want me to what now?" Carlos asked.
"I want you to teach me how to walk and talk like I'm from the hood," Logan answered.
Once more, Carlos found himself in stitches. When Logan tried to say, "Da hood," he failed…miserably. Hearing Logan even attempt to sound ghetto was truly something else. What made it so hilarious was that Logan was so…white.
"Carlos, I'm serious!" Logan whined before socking Carlos in the shoulder.
Carlos flinched from the not-so-playful smack. Logan really wasn't pulling any punches. He wasn't sure why Logan was suddenly so fascinated with sounding ghetto, but whatever the reason, Carlos didn't want to know. On second thought, Carlos did want to know.
"Why?" Carlos asked.
"Why what?" Logan replied.
"Why do you want to walk and talk like you're from da hood? And why are you asking me for help?"
"Because didn't you used to live in the ghetto back in Minnesota?"
"We lived in the same town!"
"But…"
"There was no ghetto, Logan! The town we lived in was too small to have a ghetto!"
Logan twiddled with his thumbs absentmindedly. He refused to make eye contact with Carlos. Logan didn't understand why Carlos was so bent out of shape; he was bordering on screaming at him. Logan only asked a simple question. It certainly didn't warrant that kind of a response from Carlos.
"Oh, so you don't think I can ever sound ghetto?" Logan asked.
Not in this lifetime! Carlos had a hard time taking Logan's question seriously. That was the thing too. Looking at Logan, he was completely serious. Suddenly, a light bulb went off in Carlos' head. He started to have a change of heart. Maybe it would be a good idea to help Logan out after all. Without a shadow of a doubt, getting Logan to ever sound ghetto was a lost cause, but at the very least, it would make for some good laughs.
Carlos faked a groan. "Fine! I'll do it!" he exclaimed, feigning annoyance.
XXXXX
There weren't even words when Carlos saw how into character Logan was getting…or at least how into character Logan thought he was getting. Carlos still thought Logan looked white as all get out.
Carlos was half tempted to shake his head in disapproval at what Logan was wearing. He was sporting a black wife beater, skin tight jeans, a diamond studded belt, shades, a black baseball cap that was backwards, and a gold chain with a bedazzled dollar sign.
"Sup?" Logan asked, giving Carlos a little nod of his head.
Carlos slapped his forehead, not caring if Logan saw. Even so, he was biting back laughter. Logan was trying really hard. Carlos would give him that much. It's just he looked so ridiculous and even his nod was so far off it was laughable. First of all, Logan nodded in the wrong direction!
Logan immediately felt awkward when Carlos walked over to him and started undoing his belt. Confused by what Carlos was doing, Logan's body tensed up.
"But if you take off my belt, then how are my pants going to stay up?" Logan asked.
"Patience, my Padawan. We'll get to that," Carlos responded.
If Logan didn't feel awkward before, then he did now that Carlos was adjusting his pants. Much to Logan's dismay, Carlos was pulling them down, not up. Wasn't that counterproductive? Granted, it didn't help that Logan's jeans were skin tight. Carlos struggled wiggling them down Logan's hips. After what seemed like an eternity, Carlos finally managed to get Logan's pants down far enough.
"Now, show me what you think people from the ghetto walk like," Carlos instructed.
"I don't want to," Logan replied timidly.
"Logie, come on! I need to see what I'm working with here!"
"But I don't know how they walk! That's why I'm asking you for help!"
Carlos wasn't sure if he should feel offended that Logan was asking him for help. Carlos was no more ghetto than Kendall or James. So then why was Logan asking him? Was it because he was Hispanic? What, did Logan think there was some sort of ghetto-ness inherent in all Hispanics?
Moreso because Carlos could use a good laugh than anything else, he decided to persist in getting Logan to demonstrate the ghetto walk. He was already picturing in his head how ridiculous Logan's demonstration might be.
"Promise not to laugh?" Logan asked.
"Even better; I pinky swear," Carlos answered.
The two boys intertwined their digits, sealing the deal. Well…that was until Carlos saw Logan's ghetto walk. Assuming that's what Logan was trying to accomplish, that is. The best way to describe it was that it looked like Logan was waddling like a penguin carrying a giant beach ball. Or maybe it was more like a nine month pregnant mother-to-be with her hands folded loosely over her tummy.
As if that wasn't hilarious enough, in mid-stride, Logan's jeans slid off his thighs and fell to the floor. Logan's face turned as red as a tomato as he picked up his trousers and hastily tried to pull them up. However, seeing how they were skin tight, he was having a tremendous amount of difficulty. As funny was it was, and it was funny, Carlos was glad that Logan wasn't going commando underneath his jeans. Luckily, he was wearing a pair of boxers; llama boxers to be exact.
Carlos was doubled over in laughter. He currently had his head in between his legs. Logan was now hopping up and down like a bunny trying to pull his pants up all the while glaring daggers at an oblivious Carlos.
"You promised you wouldn't laugh!" Logan screamed.
"I'm sorry! It's just it's so funny!" Carlos managed to reply before being consumed by laughter all over again.
XXXXX
Carlos had finally finished giving Logan a crash course and walking and talking ghetto. It had been a very long process. Carlos could teach Logan all he wants, but it's not going to change how white Logan is; it's not going to change how white Logan sounds when he tries to talk ghetto.
A half dozen times, Logan wanted to call the whole thing off because Carlos wouldn't stop laughing at him, but somehow or another, the two managed to finish. Kendall and James entered the living room after Carlos went to fetch them.
"You said there was something you wanted to show us," Kendall said as more of a statement than a question.
"Uh…what is Logan wearing?" James asked, taking in Logan's…questionable…attire.
"Why you all up in my Kool-Aid, foo? I thought we were tight. I thought you were my dog," Logan uttered, still sounding as white as can be despite the words coming out of his mouth. It probably had something to do with his enunciation.
Kendall and James exchanged amused glances with one another before they burst out laughing. Carlos joined in as well. Logan didn't see what they thought was so funny. He thought he had done a pretty bang up job.
"Did you hear how he talked?" Kendall asked, recovering from his hysterics long enough to ask the question.
"I know! He sounds so white!" James added.
"I'm white too, but at least when I try to sound street, I don't sound like…" Kendall started to say.
"That!" Kendall and James said in unison, pointing at Logan and laughing.
Logan's mouth was agape. He had a hurt look on his face as he looked from Kendall to James to Carlos. He didn't understand. Carlos told him that he sounded very convincing when they were practicing earlier. Of course, that was before Carlos started cackling like a hyena, so maybe Carlos was just lying. But why would Carlos lie to him? They don't lie to each other!
Logan sulked off to the bedroom that he and Kendall shared. He slammed the door shut behind him with a bit more force than was necessary. As he locked the door, tears started to stream down his eyes. He angrily took off his shades and flung them at the wall so hard that one of the lenses came clean off. He was glad that he was alone in the safety of his bedroom. He had been legitimately frightened that the others would see that they made him cry if he didn't get out of there when he did.
XXXXX
Kendall pounded his fist on the bedroom door. Kendall, James, and Carlos had quickly sobered up when they heard the sounds of Logan sobbing on the other side of the locked door.
"Logan, open up!" Kendall shouted.
"No!" Logan hollered back.
"It's my room too, you know?"
"Well too bad! It's my room tonight! You can sleep on the couch in the living room for all I care!"
Kendall fell silent. Logan was really mad at them. At all of them. They should've known better. Logan was sensitive and emotional. Sometimes, he would overreact. Sure they were teasing Logan and laughing at him, but it had all been in good fun.
"Uh-oh. Sounds like someone's in the doghouse," James commented.
"No, no, no. That's not how Logan would say it. It's more like, 'Sounds like someone's in the doghouse,'" Carlos said, imitating Logan's ghetto voice.
James and Carlos both started cracking up. Kendall backhand slapped both of them in the chest. He then narrowed his eyes at both of them.
"See? You're still making fun of me!" Logan cried out.
"No we're not! We're…uh…laughing at a joke Carlos told," James shouted back.
"Yeah, a joke about you," Carlos called out.
Kendall and James both elbowed Carlos in the ribs while shouting, "Carlos!"
Logan could be heard sniffling from inside the bedroom. James started to join Kendall in feeling guilty for the role he played in Logan being in the mood he was in. Kendall motioned for James and Carlos to follow him. They ended up in the kitchen.
"I got it! I think I know how we can get Logan to come out," Kendall said.
"How?" James and Carlos replied simultaneously.
Kendall didn't answer them right away. Instead, he whipped out his cell phone. He started dialing a number on the keypad.
"What are you doing?" James asked.
"I'm calling Camille," Kendall answered.
"Hello," Camille greeted upon answering her phone.
"Hey Camille. It's Kendall. We need your help."
XXXXX
As soon as Camille made it to Apartment 2J, Kendall, James, and Carlos informed her of their current predicament. Even though she and Logan weren't dating at the time, they were still really good friends as evidenced by Camille slapping each of them across the face.
"I'm sure it wasn't that bad," Camille said, quick to come to Logan's defense.
"Not that bad? Not that bad! You haven't seen and heard Logan from 'the hood' yet," Carlos replied, using air quotes.
The four of them went back to Logan's bedroom door. Camille knocked softly.
"Go away!" Logan shouted thinking it was Kendall, James, and Carlos again.
"Logan, it's me, Camille," Camille said through the door.
The next thing they knew, Logan had unlocked and opened the door. Kendall gave James and Carlos an 'I told you so' look.
"So I hear there's something you want to…what are you wearing?" Camille asked, suddenly at a loss for words.
Logan was too worked up over the first part to pay much attention to the last part. He turned and socked Kendall in the shoulder.
"Ow!" Kendall cried out in pain.
"You told her? Why did you tell her?" Logan demanded.
"Yeah, Kendall! Why did you tell her?" James chimed in, trying to earn brownie points from Logan.
Kendall gave James a murderous look. He had just flipped the script on Kendall. As far as Kendall was concerned, James had turned traitor. He apparently had no problem throwing Kendall under the bus.
"Funny. Just a little bit ago, you thought it was a great idea!" Kendall retorted.
"No!" James said quickly. "I thought you having Camille get Logan to open the door was a good idea. I never said telling Camille about Ghetto Fabulous over there was a good idea!"
Carlos snickered at James' new nickname for Ghetto Logan. This didn't please Logan at all as he fixed his gaze on Carlos, darkening his eyes. Carlos responded by looking up at the ceiling and whistling innocently.
"Will you please show me?" Camille asked Logan.
"Why should I?" Logan replied.
"Because I'll give you a kiss, and I won't even slap you afterwards."
"But how will I know I will even get…"
Camille's lips crashed into Logan's suddenly and unexpectedly. Afterwards, Camille pulled back, smirking. Meanwhile, Logan's heart fluttered, his knees were wobbly, and he was left babbling like an idiot.
XXXXX
The five of them went to the living room. There was more room for them…or rather for Logan…to maneuver around in there. Kendall, James, and Carlos didn't know how she did it, but somehow Camille had managed to talk Logan into doing the ghetto walk too. Kendall and James were excited by this. They had yet to see this themselves.
With the thumb of one of his hands, Logan was holding his pants up. The other four fingers of that hand were loosely placed over his crotch. As he started walking, it looked more like he was wading through water, scooping it up with his free hand as he went. The room was quickly filled with laughter as Kendall, James, Carlos, and Camille all couldn't contain it any longer.
"What was that?" Camille remarked.
"Stop laughing at me!" Logan exclaimed.
"Ask us all ghetto-like and maybe we will," Carlos responded, quite proud of himself for coming up with that out of nowhere.
Logan appeared to be deep in thought as he was considering it. He couldn't help but feel like this was all a trick. They were probably just going to laugh at him some more if he did ask them all ghetto-like. At the same time though, if Carlos was really being honest, and that's all it took to get them to stop laughing at him, then Logan was willing to try just about anything.
"Y'all are trippin'! Why you gotta be hatin' on me like dat? I thought we were all home fries?" Logan said.
Logan got his answer to whether or not this was a trick when Kendall, James, Carlos, and Camille started laughing harder than ever. Logan didn't get why they were all laughing at him. He was doing and saying everything Carlos had told him to do. Of course, little did Logan know that Carlos sabotaged him. He hadn't really been trying to teach Logan anything. He just wanted him to look, talk, and act stupid so they could all get some good laughs.
"You're so mean to me!" Logan commented moodily.
"Oh man, Jo's gotta see this!" Kendall remarked before pulling out his phone and starting a video chat with Jo.
With Jo being in New Zealand, there was a 19 hour time difference. That is to say that New Zealand was 19 hours ahead of California. So even though it was early in the afternoon in L.A., it was mid-morning the next day in New Zealand.
Jo's face appeared on the screen of Kendall's phone.
"Hey Kendall, what's up?" Jo greeted.
"Logan wants to show you something," Kendall answered.
"No I don't!" Logan shouted out.
Logan wasn't even sure what he was still doing in the same room as the others. Even though Kendall was video chatting with Jo, the sound of laughter could be heard in the background coming from James, Carlos, and Camille.
"What's so funny?" Jo asked.
"Logan, show her," Kendall ordered, a tone of authority in his voice.
"Hmm…let me think about that," Logan said, rubbing his chin. "No!"
Kendall turned to Camille, and the two locked eyes with one another. Kendall then gestured with his head over in Logan's direction. Camille walked over to Logan and gave him a second kiss.
"The answer's still no!" Logan exclaimed.
"Logan, come on! Please? We're still friends, right?" Jo asked.
"You moved halfway across the planet!"
"Yeah, but that had nothing to do with you."
Jo had never seen Logan like this before. Well, she couldn't actually see him. Not all of him at least. Kendall was kind of obstructing her view. She was pretty sure she could make out Camille kissing Logan a little bit ago though. She was impressed that Logan was still sticking to his guns after that. Usually a Camille kiss was enough to do the trick when it came to Logan.
Jo had also never heard so much laughter in her life. Whatever Logan did or said or whatever must have been really funny. Now Jo was intrigued. She hated missing out. She wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
"Bye!" Logan called out as he left the apartment altogether.
That was the last time Logan ever went to Carlos for help with anything.
The End
A/N: Ready to hear some more of my pessimism? No? Well too bad! Plug your ears or avert your eyes or whatever then. I think I might just end up deleting this. I think the concept was good, but the execution left something to be desired. I also felt like it lost steam towards the end. Not to mention that overall, it probably sucked, huh?