4. Everlasting Light

Note: a Dash Companion, best if read after 1. Dash Away 2. No Light, No Light and 3. Only Light

'Your everlasting light - A train going away from pain - Love is the coal that makes this train roll.'

-Everlasting Light, The Black Keys

Kate hears him but it takes a moment for her sleep-deprived brain and body to start working together. And then she's stumbling out of bed in the dark, bumping the bassinet with her knee before she manages to figure out what she's doing.

She reaches down for him, sliding her fingers under his head, her palm cradling his neck, and lifts him out of the cradle, so very grateful she vetoed Castle's ornate and Victorian-era thing in favor of the simple rocker. She'd have ripped the ruffles and frills from it weeks ago with all her stumbling around.

Adjusting the baby against her, Kate heads out of their bedroom for the study, and then the living room beyond, shushing him with her lips against the top of his head, bouncing the little thing as she walks.

Dashiell Alexander.

Still kind of knocks her breath from her body when she sees him. Tiny little thing, narrow little face and greying eyes and that thick, dark hair. Every day his eyes grow that much darker; it amazes her to watch. The pale skin over such small and delicate fingers. The way his mouth opens for her, his eyes locked on her face.

She knew months ago that she loved the unborn surprise, but she just didn't have any idea how much. How very much.

"Kate?"

She glances up and sees Alexis at the top of the stairs; Kate winces. "Sorry. Did he wake you again?"

Alexis shakes her head and comes downstairs. "I was already up."

Kate casts a swift look to the clock on the microwave. Nearly two. "Yeah?"

"College hours," Alexis grins, coming slowly closer. "You okay? You look exhausted."

Kate huffs. "Thanks."

Alexis gives a little half-shrug, reaches out a hand to stroke the back of Dashiell's head. "Hey, bubba."

Bubba? What the hell is that?

"Bubba?"

Alexis blushes. "Sorry."

Uh, okay. Kate shifts to keep her balance as she rocks, and it pulls the baby out of Alexis's reach - entirely accidental - but Alexis drops her hand and steps back, something shuttered in her eyes. Kate curses her lack of dexterity but doesn't know how to fix this. She knows that Alexis knows more about her and Castle's awkward relationship issues than the girl probably should, but she doesn't know how to fix that either.

"Dad sleeps through this?" Alexis says with an attempt at a smile.

"He was up with Dash all last night; I don't think he slept at all. So now, I'm sure your dad could sleep through a hurricane."

Your dad. And his dad too, little Dash's. Oh. How. . .strange.

"Hey, um, Kate?"

Kate bounces Dashiell some more, trying to calm his restless little cries. Not exactly full-throated screaming, but still whiny and pitiful. And those red welts are back on his face, places where he's managed to scratch his skin in the night. She's not sure how exactly; she's kept his nails trimmed and covered at night with socks, just like it says too. Castle has even changed detergents twice, in case it's an allergic reaction. But still-

"Kate?"

She blinks and glances over at Alexis, realizing the girl has called her name a few times. "What? Sorry, kinda - yeah, exhausted." She gives a little dry chuckle and presses her lips into the crown of the baby's head, careful of the soft spot.

"You know I've baby-sat a lot, like tons, right? And I read all those books Dad got, so I know not to give him water and how to keep his neck protected and-"

"Alexis. I don't exactly have the brain cells for a long introduction," Kate says on a sigh. She wishes she did. She just. . .it's an effort to stay standing, let alone follow the rambling Castle-like thoughts.

"Can I take him? And you go to bed? I'll come get you if he doesn't settle after awhile, but let me just-"

"Oh, God, Alexis, no. You don't have to do that. This is just. . .what happens. You shouldn't have-"

"No." Alexis bites her lip and steps forward, putting her hand up to Dashiell's back again.

Kate tries to be careful this time, not accidentally bounce or sway the kid away from her.

"Kate. I want to hold him. Can I hold him?"

Oh.

"He's my little brother, right? I haven't even gotten to hold him."

"Oh, shit," Kate sighs, closing her eyes. Really? It's been four weeks. In four weeks, Kate hasn't let Alexis hold him? "I'm so sorry. I didn't realize. Here, Alexis." She balances Dashiell against her shoulder for a second, then eases him down, nodding for Alexis to take him.

His sister. Oh, she hadn't even thought of it like that either. Damn, she's been so self-centered with this family, hasn't she? She didn't even realize what she was doing, too busy panicking about being pregnant, and now just - nothing left for anyone but Dashiell.

Alexis holds his head carefully, wraps her arm around him, cradles him to her body. Kate sighs through that strange and particular pang that comes with giving him up to someone else - anyone else, even Castle.

Oh my word, that's Dashiell's big sister. How did this escape her? Kate runs her hand through her hair and reaches out to touch Dashiell's cheek. He's still restless and making those almost-squawking noises, but he doesn't seem distressed to be in his sister's arms.

His sister. Shit, Kate has been a really terrible person. God, Castle's got to be so pissed at her for not even thinking. And now it's two in the morning and he's missing this too. "Hold on a second," she mutters and heads for kitchen.

She hunts through the stacks of folded diaper cloths on the bar until she finds her phone buried under a pile of used bibs. The screen is smeared with something she hopes is dried formula. Ug. Kate turns on the camera and realizes there won't be enough light, so she goes searching through the crap Castle piled in the entryway four weeks ago when they got home from the hospital.

She finds the digital camera in the pocket of his laptop case (has he not even been writing? the laptop's battery is probably dead now). Kate brings the camera over and pulls Alexis and the baby over to the chair by the windows; she clicks on a soft lamp and Dashiell whines.

"Just for a second, baby," she murmurs and steps back from the two of them. "Okay Alexis. Let me get your picture."

"Why?" Alexis blurts out. "You hold him and I'll take yours-"

"No, no. Dash and his sister. First time. Okay? Sit." Kate bites the inside of her cheek and frames the shot, her hands shaking as she holds the camera out. God, she's tired.

Alexis looks more stunned than smiling, but Kate takes the photo and looks at it on the screen. Beautiful. Just-

"Hey, take a look," she says, stepping closer to show it to Alexis.

The girl peers down at the camera and then lifts her face to Kate. "I love it. Will you send it to me when you upload all the photos?"

"Of course." Kate reaches over and turns off the lamp; Dashiell immediately ceases crying, settles down again. They've all gotten used to talking over his cries, carrying on with life over the sounds of his unhappiness. Colicky is what they keep telling her. Sounds like a great excuse for he's just not an easy baby. Of course not. That would be too easy.

Kate sits on the arm of the chair and watches Alexis and Dashiell, the girl brushing careful fingers over Dash's nose and cheeks, the little rosebud mouth. Those thick lashes against his skin as his eyes droop. The dark hair that has a tendency to curl at the back of his neck with sleep-sweat.

Dashiell's eyes open, blink as he takes in his sister's face.

His sister. They're siblings. Dashiell already has more than Kate ever did. An older sister to watch out for him, to want him. Wow. God, she needs more sleep. She's getting maudlin.

"Uh, Alexis. Are you serious about taking him for me?"

Alexis turns to her quickly, her face eager. "Yes. Yes, I would love to. Please?"

"Yeah, actually. I can pull his bassinet out here, or you can even put him in the crib in his room upstairs. Just make sure those things are in place to keep him up-"

"Yeah. I know. I can do that."

Kate runs a hand through her hair, holds it back for a moment to regard the two of them. She feels immensely guilty for both wanting to drop the kid off with Alexis and crawl in bed, and also for not having done it sooner, let Alexis hang out her with baby brother.

It's more than just her and Dash. She knew that the moment she'd woken up from nearly bleeding to death after delivering him and she'd seen Castle's face. She knew it was the three of them now.

Only it's not. It's four. Alexis, even though she's at college, is still part of Dashiell's family, regardless of what Kate does or feels or how she panics.

"Kate, trust me. I can do this." Alexis bites her lip and casts hopeful eyes to Kate.

Kate sinks down to the floor and leans her head back against the chair, closing her eyes. She could fall asleep like this.

"I know you can. It's not that. I'm just. . .trying not to take advantage of your offer to help." She opens her eyes again, sees Alexis peering down at her.

"Why? Take advantage. Use me, Kate. He's my brother. And that - doesn't that make us family?" Alexis frowns and hurries on. "I mean. It doesn't mean you have to - I just mean, he's my family. Regardless. And I love him."

Oh, God. Oh, she's just too strung out for this conversation. Kate doesn't have the energy to make things right, to explain in the words that mean something; she's going to blurt out the first thing that crosses her mind and it's going to be awful-

"Oh, shit. I've screwed something up. I love you too, Alexis, just - let me get more than two hours' sleep at a time and we'll talk about this again. Okay?"

She gets to her feet and checks on Dash again - fussy, pitiful, not her current problem anymore thank you Alexis - and then happens to look up at Castle's daughter.

The girl is staring at her, stunned. What did she say? Was is that bad? Kate tries to replay the conversation, but can't grasp it. It's gone. Hopefully it wasn't too awful.

She leans down and drops a kiss on her son's forehead, then can't seem to shut off the mothering thing because she lifts her hand to Alexis and brushes a strand of hair back from her face. "I fed him about forty minutes ago. So he should be good for at least another hour and a half. Wake me if you need anything. Don't wake your dad. Night."

And Kate goes back to bed.

Castle wakes to sunlight across his face and silence. Which is wrong, so totally wrong. He lifts his head and sees Kate in bed next to him, deep asleep. Well, that's good. Finally. He raises up a little more but there's no baby.

In fact, there's no bassinet either. So hopefully the two are together somewhere. And it's five in the morning according to the alarm clock. That can't be right. When did Kate last feed him?

He slides out of bed, wincing at the crack of his back and the pop in his knees. Castle stretches as he heads out of their bedroom and towards the living room and some strong black coffee.

He tried to be good, tried to truly partner with Kate in this, but she was the one who growled that at least one of them needed to be caffeinated and coherent, and she was out of the running. So now he gets to make a single pot each morning and suck it down somewhere away from her. At least, he tries not to do it front of her. Doesn't always happen. She doesn't seem too grumpy about it.

When he hits the living room though, he sees Alexis asleep on the couch and the bassinet pulled up to her side. A fist squeezes his heart and he detours to the couch, easing down at one end to lay his hand on her head.

Alexis doesn't stir. He leans forward and checks on Dashiell; the boy is sleeping peacefully enough. Huh. Not sure how this happened, but it's quiet and he got about eight hours of sleep last night - all in a row too.

Early Christmas miracle maybe.

Castle strokes his daughter's hair and takes a deep breath, trying to keep himself from drifting off. He has book stuff he ought to be doing, but he can't muster the energy quite yet. Kate's on maternity leave until January 5th; they just celebrated a truly awful Thanksgiving where they all ate standing up, he and Kate passing the colicky baby back and forth between them.

His mother moved into Kate's apartment last week too. He's not sure how good Kate is with that yet. It was her idea, sure, but it was just the most convenient thing and not really ideal, he can tell. And then her father came by and took Kate out for the day (Castle was so damn grateful to the man for it too). He had Dashiell alone for five hours and when Kate came back, she was much better. He has no clue what they talked about, but he has suspicions. He thinks it's about her mom. Or well, about her mom not being alive to see this, which kills him when he thinks about it too long.

Alexis stirs under his hand and then sits up, rubbing her eyes. She looks first over at Dashiell, then leans her head on her father's shoulder.

"Morning, pumpkin. What happened here?"

Alexis sighs, that happy sigh that makes him smile.

"I asked Kate if I could hold him. If I could help. She let me hold him, Dad."

Is this. . .a surprise? He's not exactly all the way awake. "Mm. Good."

"Kate took a picture too," she whispers, then leans forward and takes the camera off the coffee table, turns it on. Castle waits and then the image pops up; his heart dissolves.

"Ah, wow." He takes the camera and zooms in, looking at their faces. His oldest and his baby. Wow. Alexis isn't his baby any more. "Kate took this?"

"Yeah, she dragged me over to the chair. She even turned on the light," Alexis laughs. "And look, you can see Dash. He was still crying."

Castle grins, shaking his head. Still crying, yeah.

"It was the first time I got to hold him," Alexis says softly.

"It was?" He frowns at her, bewildered by that bit of information. But well, yeah, she's been at the dorm this semester and while she comes home every weekend. . .either he or Kate usually has the kid. "Sorry, pumpkin. I hadn't realized."

"No, it's okay. I understand. But Dad I - I told Kate that I wanted to help, and she acted like that was too much to ask from me, but I was offering. You know?"

"That's very sweet of you, Alexis."

"Well, I wanted to. It was. . .not exactly fun, but it was kind of amazing to hold him and watch him sleep. He hates to be put down-"

"Yeah," Castle says dryly, hugging her against his side. "We've noticed."

"So I just held him as long as I wanted. But Dad, when I told Kate that I wanted to take him, that she should go get some sleep. I. . .I told her it was because he's my little brother, right? And that I loved him-"

Castle yawns and leans his head back, still watching the baby sleep. "Uh-huh."

"Dad, Kate said - Kate said - well, but she was really probably sleep-deprived so I shouldn't-"

She's got his attention now; he glances down at her. What did Kate say to her? If Kate said anything to-

No, Kate wouldn't. Would she? Even punchy from lack of sleep and running without caffeine, Kate hasn't been mean. Not even to him, and goodness knows he's probably deserved it. "What did Kate say?"

Alexis sits up, away from him, her eyes anxious. "She said, 'I love you too.' But Dad, I didn't say it first to her. I. . .What am I supposed to do?"

"She said what?"

Alexis gives shaky laugh. "Yeah, that was exactly my reaction."

Kate said she loved his daughter. Suddenly he wants to go crawl in bed with Kate and kiss her mouth, soft and gentle, until she wakes.

"Did she mean it?" Alexis says quietly.

Castle casts a sharp look at his daughter. "Of course she meant it. This is Kate Beckett. She only says what she means."

Alexis bites her lip and nods; he can see her thinking that through. But what's to think about?

"Dad, it's been just us, for awhile-"

Oh. . .oh-kay. Um. He's not had coffee yet.

"And when you told me about Dash - or well, when you told me Kate was pregnant, honestly, I couldn't imagine how this would work. But I love it. It's so much better than it was, Dad."

He swallows hard, blinking to get past the ache in his throat. "Yeah?"

"Not that it hasn't been great, just us. Dad, it's been the best. You're the best," she reassures him, leaning in to lay against his chest, hugging him tightly. At least he's got his kids who want to snuggle with him. Even Dashiell snuggles. Just not Kate.

"Thanks, pumpkin. But I think I know what you mean."

"It's better with them both," Alexis says. "I have a little brother."

He grins down at her. "Yeah, sorry about the great age-gap there. Wasn't quite how I was imagining you getting a sibling, but-"

"Don't apologize for it. Because I am so glad it's Kate and not - ug - not Gina. Or mom. Meredith. Oh jeez, Dad. That would've been a travesty."

"Excellent diction, pumpkin. But not very nice to your mom."

"Hey, sometimes the truth hurts."

He snorts and Dashiell stirs at the sound; Castle mentally thumps his own ear (Kate's been thumping his ear instead of twisting it lately, not sure why).

"So, you're glad it's Kate, huh?"

"I like Kate."

"And she loves you, apparently." Castle grins down at her and Alexis blushes.

"I. . .I love her too. I mean. . .yeah, I do. I have for a long time. Since before you guys ever-" She waves a hand at Dashiell, and he wonders what that's supposed to mean. Since before they created a kid? Since before they started living together?

"Well good. Because you're kinda stuck with both of them," Castle admits. "I didn't exactly ask you about any of this, but-"

"Dad. Come on." She raises an eyebrow at him, and he realizes she's gotten that little trick from Kate. And that's. . .really cute. "Dad. You need to marry her. Why aren't you married yet?"

He sighs; Alexis doesn't know that she's touched on a sore spot, so he tries not to growl at her. It's Kate who-

"I've asked. A few dozen times. She keeps putting me off."

"She said no?" Alexis cries.

Castle presses his cheek to the top of her head. "Hey, chill out. I appreciate you taking up for me, but no. She hasn't said no either. She just. . .avoids the subject."

"Then keep asking her."

"I'm gonna give it a rest for awhile, Alexis. At least until Dashiell starts sleeping for longer than 45 minutes at a time."

"Can I see the ring?"

Uh. . . "I don't have a ring for Kate."

Alexis slaps his chest lightly. "Dad."

"Hey now. In my defense, Kate gave me express instructions not to ever - on pain of death - buy her a ring. She told me it would never happen."

"Well, that kind of sounds like a no."

"She was talking about the really expensive ones though. She caught me shopping online. She said they were gaudy and it would make her a target at work."

"Oh, I never thought about that. The criminals and stuff."

"I said that too. She said no, with Esposito and Ryan. But I think that was a joke. I think she meant the criminals."

Alexis giggles and looks up at him, then pushes the hair back from his face, kisses his cheek. "I love you, Dad. I know you'll figure it out."

He hopes so. "Love you too, pumpkin. And thanks for watching your brother."