One Piece: Strawhat Theater

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...

The Thousand Sunny had been flagged by a passing ship, and so they'd changed course to rendezvous with them. Nami frowned as she scrutinized the ship through her scope.

"Huh... Well, it doesn't look like a pirate ship," Nami said.

"Does look like ex-Marine though," Franky advised. "Just check out the construction! Designed to make it through the Grand Line, ow!"

"So... Marines pretending to not be Marines?" Luffy asked. He grinned and pounded his fist into his palm. "This isn't going to be any fun at all!"

"Yet you say that with a smile," Ussop sighed. The ship pulled alongside, and a tall figure in a cloak rose.

"Ahoy there!" He called. "Which one of you is Monkey D. Ace?"

Nami froze, and then cordially smiled. "I'm sorry, I don't think I know of anyone by that-"

"Hi!" Ace-chan shouted, waving happily from Luffy's arms. "I'm Ace!"

"Yes she is!" Luffy said cheerfully. "Very good-URK!"

"LUFFY!" Nami shrieked, punching her husband repeatedly. "YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM SHE WAS HERE!"

"Urk! B-But she is-!"

"MAY I COME ABOARD?" Boomed the man... Now standing on the railing around the deck. The Strawhats gasped and prepared for battle.

"What do you want with Ace-chan?" Chopper growled, ready to pop a Rumble Ball if necessary. Robin stood with her arms crossed, Zoro his swords drawn, Sanji his feet ready, Usopp packing his slingshot, Franky his cannons armed and arms cannons, Brook poised for a sword strike and Luffy and Nami both ready to storm Hell itself, their daughter behind their legs and peeking out behind them.

The man laughed, in a familiar way.

"Bwahahahaha... I only want..." He pulled his cloak off and tossed it aside, revealing a broad Monkey family smile,"to meet my great-grand-daughter!"

"Grandpa!" Luffy gasped. Ace-chan peeked out between her parent's legs and grinned.

"Great-Grandpa?" She asked, as though tasting the word. Garp nodded. Nami sighed, and rubbed her forehead.

"Yes Ace-chan, this is your great-grandpa," she said. She scowled at him. "Did you have to be creepy and dramatic?"

"My other thought was to kidnap her, given you didn't bother telling me about her-OW! OOH! ARGH! YAH!" Garp, Former Hero of the Marines, cried as Nami furiously beat him over the head with her staff.

"BASTARD! MORON! ASSHOLE!"

"See? This is why Daddy is very happy he's made of rubber," Luffy said, as Ace-chan watched her mother beat the living hell out of Garp in fascination. The rest of the Strawhats just sighed.

Yep. Situation as usual for them...

"Nami, you shouldn't be so paranoid," Luffy said, rubbing his wife's back as they sat on the main deck. Nami's eyes were firmly locked onto Garp, who was talking with his great-granddaughter in his lap. It made for a cute scene, and was made even cuter when Ace caught Chopper and cuddled him.

"Kitty!" Ace-chan insisted.

"Ack! I'm a reindeer! A reindeer!"Chopper insisted. "L-let me go-ahahahaha! D-Don't tickle me, ahahahahaha!"

Ace-chan giggled with Chopper, as Garp laughed deep in his throat. Nami sighed... And then squeaked as her cheeks turned red. She elbowed Luffy hard in the stomach.

"Luffy!" She hissed. Luffy laughed through the pain.

"Aw c'mon! He just wants to get to know her!" Luffy insisted. "And you know he loves us!"

"Yeah, but he loved you. That's what I'm afraid of," Nami admitted. Luffy huffed.

"Come on, I turned out great being raised by Grandpa!" Luffy said. He grinned and stretched his arms out, flexing them. "See?"

Nami stared at her husband for a long, silent moment. Luffy blinked, and waved his hand in front of her face.

"Nami? Nami...?" He groped her breasts, and Nami squeaked.

"Luffy!" She snarled, punching him.

"Ow! What? You were zoning out, it was scary! Too much thinking!" Luffy protested. "It's not good for you!"

"I just don't want her to have eitherof our childhoods, all right?" Nami explained with a sigh. "I want her surrounded by love and friends and smiles... And money. Lots of money. Never too early to teach her how to be responsible with it."

"You mean stingy," Usopp suggested.

"And greedy," Zoro added.

"And covetous, yo ho ho!" Brook laughed.

"NOBODY ASKED YOU IDIOTS!" Nami snarled. Luffy scratched his head.

"So... You want her to be like you? What about me?" Luffy complained. "I want her to be like me! So we'll eat meat together and have fun and adventure!"

"She can still do all that!" Nami insisted. "I just want her to have a good foundation and education, that's all!"

"Well, it would be nice if she had a good sense of direction," Luffy said with a nod. "That way we wouldn't get lost on adventures."

"There, see?" Nami said brightly. "You're contributing already!"

"I am?"

"Sure! Exactly why you should let me handle her education," Nami said firmly. "And not your grandpa."

"But Grandpa taught me all sorts of great things!" Luffy said.

"Luffy? He dropped you into the ocean tied to weights," Nami said flatly. Luffy nodded.

"Yeah! I learned how to fight sharks!"

"He dropped you into a chasm filled with hungry wolves while you were tied to steaks," Nami continued, growing angrier.

Luffy nodded again.

"Yup! That taught me I had to fight hard and win to get meat! Also that wolves will respect you if you beat them up!"

"HE TIED YOU TO BALLOONS AND SENT YOU FLYING IN THE SKY!" Nami exploded angrily. Luffy shrugged.

"Well from that I learned I can't fly so I should plan accordingly when I fall off of stuff."

"And you would put our child through that same crap?!"Nami snarled. Luffy held his hands up.

"No! No! Well maybe, if she wanted to," Luffy said. "I mean, I know you don't want her to do that. We can train her to be tough and strong other ways! But, this is a dangerous world so maybe we should make sure she's tough enough to handle it."

Nami raised her fist to strike her husband... And sighed as she lowered it. "Yeah... yeah, I guess so," Nami said softly. Luffy grinned at her and hugged her tightly.

"Don't worry. I'll look after you both. I promise," he said. Nami blushed and nuzzled her husband back.

"I really should take you at your word, huh?"

"Well, you're like that. It's good, you're always thinking and stuff," Luffy said earnestly. "I couldn't think of all that stuff. That's why we're married!"

"We're married because Usopp signed fraudulent papers your grandfather made legal," Nami pointed out with a huff, though she was smiling. Luffy laughed.

"That's how we got married! Not why we're married!" Luffy nodded. "Also you're really sexy and I like doing sexy stuff with you-"

"Luffy!"

"What?" Luffy asked. "Is that something I shouldn't talk about?"

"Not in front of... Everyone!"

"Navigator-san, you and the captain are essentially exhibitionists," Robin pointed out with a gentle smile. "There's very little you can say to surprise us, or shock us."

"And we're also voyeurs," Franky said.

"Why would you say that?!" Usopp demanded.

"Ow! You think I go around in this banana hammock for my health?" Franky asked.

Nami facepalmed while Luffy laughed.

"You are adorable, yes you are, yes you are," Garp cooed, tickling Ace-chan under her chin. The little girl giggled and squirmed in his lap, as Chopper caught his breath nearby.

"Huff... Huff..."

"Not too strong for you, is she, Kitty?" Garp asked. Chopper growled.

"I'm-I'm a reindeer! A reindeer!"

"Hmmm?" Garp leaned over and glared at Chopper, an ominous expression on his face. "I eat reindeer, but I don't eat cats." Chopper trembled as Garp growled. "Which are you?"

"Kitty!" Insisted Ace-chan.

"... Kitty," Chopper groused.

"Yay!" Ace giggled, grabbing Chopper again and hugging him.

"Hurk!"

"Seriously, they're just playing," Zoro said flatly as he watched Nami fret with Luffy nearby. "She's working herself up over nothing."

"Hey, don't discount Nami-swan's worries over her child," Sanji said, taking a drag off his cigarette. "I mean, that's the guy who raised Luffy."

"So? Luffy turned out fine," Zoro said.

"You didhear how he raised him, right?" Sanji asked flatly. Zoro shrugged.

"No worse than my upbringing. Or yours."

"THAT WASN'T MY CHOICE!" Sanji growled. Zoro shrugged again.

"Little late to complain about it. How you were raised. And she wouldn't get to complain anyway."

Sanji stared at Zoro. Zoro looked back and scowled.

"What?"

"... Is there anyone onboard whose childhood wasn'tscrewed up?" Sanji sighed. Usopp shook his head.

"Looks like Ace-chan is going to be nuttier than all of us combined."

"On the downside... She'll be screwed up," Sanji said thoughtfully. "On the plus side, the broken bird will invite the truest of men to win her heart..."

"Stop perving on her, she's two,"Zoro growled.

"Yeah! Besides, by the time she's old enough you'll be fat, bald and with lungs full of cancer," Usopp snickered. Sanji brought his foot down onto Usopp's head, making the sniper yelp. "ACK! HEY!"

"I wasn't perving! I was just speculating!" Sanji growled at Zoro. He glared death at Usopp. "And I will not be bald!"

"That you object to that among the other options says so much about your priorities," Usopp said dryly.

Lunch on the Thousand Sunnywas always a boisterous affair, and Garp was struck by how much like his own family dinners it was. It did his old heart proud to see the people his grandson had gathered together, a true family. Pirates maybe, but decent people to his eyes.

"Awww! Mama!" Ace-chan whined as her mother pulled her into her lap. Nami huffed.

"You don't steal food, young lady! Not at lunchtime, anyway," she admonished. Ace-chan pouted.

"Daddy steals food!"

"And he knows what he won't get later if he keeps doing it," Nami said dryly, as Luffy yanked food from various plates into his mouth. He immediately stopped, and slowly gulped. He looked over at Nami, tears in his eyes.

"Namiiii! That's sooo mean!" Luffy whined. Nami huffed.

"You have to have a good influence on your daughter. She can't just gobble everything down like you do!"

"Sure she can! She just can't get caught!" Luffy said cheerfully. Ace-chan giggled as Nami sighed.

"Sooo messed up," Usopp said, nodding gravely. Sanji was weeping.

"Ohhh... The maternal air Nami-swan exudes is just sooo breathtaking!" He cried. He looked to Robin with a sigh. "So mature... It's like having two Robin-swans aboard!"

"Mm? Well, I have been considering having a child myself," Robin said, casting her eyes at Sanji. The blonde cook suffered a spectacular nosebleed and slammed into the bulkhead, a broad smile on his face. "Though I would need a father who would be reliable, steadfast, caring, strong..."

Robin was suddenly by Garp, leaning against the former vice-admiral. "Tell me, Garp-san, are you single?"

"WHAAAAAT?!" Everyone cried. Sanji sobbed and fell to his knees, throwing his arms up.

"WHYYYYY?!"

"Baby," Zoro sniffed.

"BASTARD!" Sanji snarled.

"Yes, I am," Garp said, coughing slightly. "But I might be a bit too old for you..."

On the other hand, Sengoku would probably have a heart attack. That was something to consider...

"Yay! Great-Grandma!" Ace-chan said happily. Luffy cried and held his head.

"Ah?! Robin would be my great-grandma?! But-But-I'd get confused!"

"Well I could marry your father, Luffy," Robin said with a smile. "I was rather impressed with him when he rescued me from the World Nation's slavers."

"MY MOTHER?!" Luffy cried. "THEN I'D BE EVEN MORE CONFUSED!"

"Yay Grandma!" Ace-chan said. Robin turned her smile to Nami.

"And I'd be your mother in law, Navigator-san~..."

Nami gulped at the ominous expression on Robin's face. "Th-That'd be... Nice...?" Why this sudden chill?

"Ow! I want to be Robin's husband!" Franky cried, flexing his arms.

"Hey, she asked me first," Garp said.

"SHE HASN'T ASKED YOU YET!" Snarled Sanji, brandishing every weapon he could find. "I WILL FIGHT YOU IN THE STREETS, GARP!"

Garp grinned ominously. "Bring it on, Cook!" His Haki stirred and lashed the air, leaving Sanji unaffected. "Love is one of the things a man should fight hardest for!"

"I COULDN'T AGREE MORE!" Sanji bellowed. "It will be a shame to kill you, Garp-san! In another world, we might have been friends!"

"Yes!" Garp cried, flexing his muscles. "Let us die as comrades for the love of a beautiful woman!"

"AS IT SHOULD BE!" Sanji snarled.

Zoro sighed and pinched the bridge of his forehead. "There's another one," he sighed.

"Maybe Sanji and Luffy are distantly related," Usopp suggested.

"That's one messed up family tree..."

"Er... Luffy," Nami began, finally having caught her breath after round... Ten? Definitely ten of her reunion with her husband. Luffy was nibbling at her shoulder, and looked up with a curious pout.

"Yes Nami?" He asked.

"Um... I am really sorry about what happened to Ace," Nami said. Luffy froze for a moment, and sighed. He kissed her, quite sweetly. Luffy's kisses had improved by leaps and bounds since they were together, but even their first had an innocence to it that made her feel simultaneously comforted and sad.

"Thanks Nami," Luffy said, breaking the kiss and nuzzling her. He grinned. "And thanks for naming Ace-chan Ace!"

"Ah... No problem," Nami said. She laughed a little. "I was a little worried that..."

"That what? I wouldn't like the name?" Luffy asked, confused. "Why wouldn't I?"

Nami sighed, her fears slipping away. She nuzzled him and laughed softly. "You're right... Why wouldn't you?"

"Now! I wanna break my record from before!" Luffy said cheerfully.

"Luffy, that was our honeymoon and we did it fifty seven times in one day," Nami said flatly.

"Yeah, so?"

"So you're not just going to break your record, you are going to make it a distant, dim memory," Nami growled, flipping him onto his back. "Round Eleven! Come on Luffy, let's go!"

"Yes ma'am!"

"Yohoho... Soon he'll be just like me, all bones! But what a way to go!" Brooke laughed as he listened from outside the cabin.

"This is so wrong," Usopp opined with a sigh. "... Think they'll use any ice this time?"

"You always bet that they'll use ice and you always lose, Usopp," Zoro said flatly. "So try another bet."

"Just saying! My Climatact lets her make ice but does she ever use that option? Noooo!"

Short, but fun to write. Hope you enjoyed.