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Chapter 11 – First Choice

But John wasn't at the hospital with Jessica as Finch and Carter thought. Reese had gone and checked on her, and when he found out that she would be kept overnight, he kissed her forehead and promised to return the next day when she was released and then left.

The time Reese had been putting off during the case was now here. It was time to make some decisions on his future and which direction to take. Should he stay with Joss and Finch and the numbers? Or should he hang it up and go home with Jessica and seek the normal life he had tossed aside all those years ago?

John knew just where to go to do his thinking, the park under the Queensboro Bridge. He drove to the park and settled on the bench that had had such a huge impact in his life. He had first met Finch here. He had found Finch here again after he had driven Marshall Jennings down to Mexico. He had met Elias here to get the info he needed to save Leila. It seemed fitting that he would make a major, possibly life-changing decision on his future in this spot.

He stared out over the water. He loved both women for different reasons. Jessica was sweet, nurturing and innocent. Joss was tough, smart and inquisitive.

Jessica could give him a normal life. He could have a kid or two and a nine to five job. There could be a house in the suburbs. Maybe they could even return to Pullayup. He could grow old with the one he loved. There would be no more nights tailing a hardened criminal in the pouring rain. No more fist fights in bars. No more gunshot wounds.

Joss was life as he knew it now. He could continue to fight the good fight with her right next him, challenging him every step of the way. But, growing old with the one he loved might not be an option because growing old may not be an option for him, period. However, he would have the satisfaction of helping people, protecting people every day. He would have a purpose, however short his life might be. And he would do it with a woman who shared his passion.

John had to wonder if he was cut out for normal life; the few days he had spent in the suburbs were some of the most boring days of his life. He had missed the energy of the city, the diversity. He had grown up a small town boy, but had never really felt at home there. He'd left small town life for the Army because he needed to get out and see the world; he knew there was more out there and he had wanted to see it and experience it. He had done that and it had changed him. He wasn't that naive boy anymore and he had not felt at home any place since, until now. New York was his home.

But he had to acknowledge that he was getting older, that his home and his purpose were slowly killing him. Men his age really shouldn't be getting in bar fights anymore. His shoulder still hurt occasionally from a bullet he took several months ago. How much longer could he keep it up? How much more could he take before he needed a handicapped parking permit? Or worse, wound up dead?

He had always wondered what life would have been like if he left the Army, married Jessica and had the children he'd always wanted. Oh he had Taylor now, but Taylor had been in high school when they first met. John had missed his first smile, his first steps, his first crush, his first basketball. He wanted to experience all that, he wanted it badly.

But John also realized he was happy now. He loved his job and he loved Joss and Taylor. There was a lot of darkness in the world and he loved being able to wipe some of the darkness away and make the world just a tiny bit better. And Joss shared his passion and his need to be on the front lines.

John thought back to the events of that day. He realized that when he and Fusco had been racing to Corsi's apartment, he was primarily concerned about the safety of one of the women. Both of them had both in mortal danger, but the majority of his thoughts had really only been with one of them. At the end of the day, he belonged with that woman, in that life.

Dawn peeked through the clouds and John stood up and stretched. His decision was made and he was certain he had made the right one. He would go to his loft and get a few hours of sleep, then shower, shave and make it to the hospital before Jessica was released.

John walked into Jessica's hospital room several hours later and was rewarded with seeing her up and about, looking none the worse for her ordeal. The drugs had worn off and would have no lasting effects. Her wounds were minor and would heal quickly. Fortunately she did not remember too much about what Corsi had done to her before Joss had rescued her. The psychological scars from months of being stalked, however, would take time and counseling to heal.

John smiled at her, "You're looking good for someone who got kidnapped by a maniac just yesterday."

Jessica smiled back, "I'm OK thanks to you."

John looked grim. "No, you're OK thanks to Joss," he said firmly.

Jessica looked away; the last thing she wanted to do admit she owed her life to her rival for John's affections.

John handed her a bag, "I brought your things from the safe house. I thought you might like to wear your own clothes home instead of borrowed scrubs."

"How thoughtful," she said her eyes shining. "You always were a very thoughtful person, John."

John looked down and shuffled his feet, a bit embarrassed. Jessica laughed at him and ducked into the bathroom to change.

When she came out, John handed her a card. "Finch arranged for you to see a counselor. This woman comes highly recommended and she has lots of experience with women who have had violent stalkers. Her office is pretty close to your clinic. Finch has arranged to pay any bills, so you can see her as much as you need to."

"I don't know what to say John. You have been so wonderful throughout this whole ordeal."

John smiled down at her again, "No thanks are necessary. I called a car to take you home."

Jessica was wheeled out of the hospital in a wheelchair pushed by an orderly with John following behind carrying her bag. A car was idling at the curb outside the hospital.

Jessica looked up at him, "Are you coming?"

John looked down at her, feeling only the slightest twinge of regret, "No, I'm not done here yet."

"I'll wait for you. I should have before," her eyes were begging him.

He looked down at her, meeting her eyes, knowing he was about to do the right thing; all doubt was removed from his mind. "No, don't. I won't be coming. Ever."

"John, I still love you…" she said, putting her hand on his chest.

John laid his hand over hers and gently removed it from his chest, but he held it between his two hands while he looked her in the eye. He spoke as gently as he could. "Jessie, I know you think you do, but you don't love me, you don't know me anymore. I'm not the person I was in Mexico. You will always be asking me to change who I am."

"I just wanted a normal life, like you said you did. You said in the car when we driving into the city that you often wondered what life would have been like if you hadn't gone back to the Army after 9/11. We can do that now, we can fix our mistakes."

"I don't think we can and I don't think we should even if we could. We're not the same people we were back then."

Jessica's wide brown eyes looked at him pleadingly. "I thought you wanted a normal life?"

"I thought I did, but I've realized that I'm just not meant for a normal life. Do you remember when we ran into each other in the airport back in 2006? How you said you would wait for me if I asked you to, and I didn't? I realized last night why I didn't ask you, why I was unable to open my mouth back then. I couldn't do it because it wasn't the right thing to do.

"Jessica, I am what I do, it's a part of me. All I ever wanted to do is protect good people from bad things. Asking me to stop is like asking me to stop breathing."

Jessica's face grew angry and a tear dripped down her face, "Detective Carter understands, doesn't she? You're staying with her."

John nodded, "Yes, Joss doesn't just understand my need to help, she shares it. She loves me, the broken damaged man that I really am. She knows what I've done and she still thinks I'm a good man."

More tears made their way down Jessica's face, "I guess I can't compete with that."

John shook his head, "No, you can't."

Jessica didn't say anything else. She reached up and kissed John on the cheek. He opened the car door for her and she climbed in. He slammed the door shut and stepped back. The car glided out into traffic and John stood and watched as it turned the corner and vanished from sight. He thought he would feel sadder than he did right now, but knowing that he'd made the right decision made saying good bye easier.

John took a deep breath and turned to leave, but stopped when he saw a familiar figure standing a few yards away. He smiled at Joss and moved over to her. Breaking their long standing rules about no public displays of affection again, he threw his arms around her and held her tight.

"You didn't get in the car," Joss said, obviously puzzled.

"No, I didn't. I have everything I want and need right here." John reached out and put his hand under her chin, forcing her to look up at him. "What are you doing here, Joss?" He asked softly.

"I thought you would go with her, so I wanted to see you one last time," she confessed.

John felt ashamed. He had only himself to blame for how she felt. He'd held back with her throughout their relationship, afraid to lose himself again. Of course she would think he would return to the woman he lost himself in so long ago. He had done very little these last few days to show her she was his first choice, and quite a bit to show her she was second best.

John grabbed Joss and pulled her back into a tight hug, resting his cheek on top of her head. "I'm sorry I let myself get confused. I'm so sorry I hurt you; and I swear it won't happen again.

"Joss, I love you. You accept me as I am, you understand me, and you love me anyway. The only thing that will keep me from you is death and even then I would probably come back to haunt you."

"Even though I piss you off all the time?" Joss asked remembering their argument the previous day.

John buried his face in her hair and held her tighter, "I need someone to piss me off. And you are damn good at it."

Joss giggled and John reached into his pocket, withdrawing the small box he had shown Finch several days earlier. "I've been meaning to give you this."

Joss looked down at the box as he flipped it open, and gasped when she saw the ring nestled inside with a vine pattern carved into the band and Joss realized the pattern matched the tattoo on her hip perfectly.

"Oh, John," Joss managed to choke out before she burst into tears.

John hugged her closer. "You are my first and only choice, don't ever forget that. I found my perfect woman and I am not going to let her get away. Marry me. Let's spend the rest of our lives together. Do you think you could put up with me forever?"

"There is nothing I would rather do, John," she managed to say through her tears.

John pulled the ring out of the box and slipped it on her left hand. "You're mine now" he whispered to her.

"You had me at Hello Detective," she whispered back. And they kissed passionately, ignoring the crowds that surged around them on the sidewalk.

Finch, watching on the security camera that was only few feet away, had to wipe his eyes. Then a slow smile spread across his face. "We have a wedding to plan," he said gleefully to Bear.

Bear wasn't sure what a "wedding" was, but if it made Glasses Man happy, it must be good, so he wagged his tail with delight.

Once again, thanks for reading. My next fic is fluffy an happy with no angst in sight!