Disclaimer: Nada
Lyrics: Like this.

It was 10:30 at night in the playa and most of the guys were playing video games, having a game night. The girls decided to sit around and talk and that lead to so many problems within minutes. Since the season had come to end, Chris was housing everyone at the playa and everyone was at each other's throats. Chris had been spending the last few nights in his room drinking the nights away, he didn't understand women or teenage girls! One minute they were fighting and the next minute they were best friends. In the end, it all came down to Chris having to settle it.

"Chris! Courtney is making up ridiculous rules!"
"Zoey is using my lip gloss!"
"Can you please tell this freak to stop invading my space!"
"Chris, I can't meditate with Izzy trying to tickle me!"
"Beth broke my hairdryer!"
"Heather borrowed my high heels and broke one!"
"Can you please tell Lindsay that I don't need a make-over and if she tries, I'm punching her!"
"I'm out of tan-in-a-can!"
"Chris, do you have a shaver I can borrow?!"
"Chris, the guys are being too loud, can you make them stop?!"
"Chip, Hannah borrowed my shampoo that smells like strawberries and it was like really expensive!"
"Chris, we're out of tampons! Well, I'm out! someone took all of mine! Do you have any extra?!"

"Go away!" Chris opened the door, wearing nothing but his robe. He'd been drinking for an hour or so and these girls were really getting to him. "Don't you guys have parents to bother?!"

"It's your job to watch us." Bridgette told him. "Aren't you going to address any of our problems?"

"Go to bed and whoever needs a tampon, don't bleed on the mattress!" Chris groaned and pushed the girls out of the way as they mumbled and complained.

Total Drama girls
Total Drama girls
Everywhere I turn, I can see them.

Chris stormed off to the kitchen. On his way to the kitchen he found Eva eating a jar of peanut butter with a spoon like it was no big deal. Chris rolled his eyes and grabbed the jar from her.

"What gives!" Jo glared at Chris.

"You're eating peanut butter out of a jar." Chris informed her. "Why would you do that? We need that for lunch!"

Total Drama girls
Total Drama girls
Night and Day
I eat, sleep and breathe them.

Chris threw the peanut butter back in the fridge and grabbed a glass of water and back down the hallway he went. He could hear Beth screaming at Dawn, followed by Dawn grabbing her hair. Chris walked up to Dawn and picked her up, throwing her over his shoulder, taking her back to her room, throwing her on the bed and placing the glass of water on her nightstand and slamming the door shut, rolling his eyes.

I'm an ordinary man
With feelings
I'd like a woman to nibble on my ear
But I'll admit, no woman has bit
So how come I'm caregiver of the year?

After that was done, he saw Heather, Lindsay and Anne Maria fighting over what looked like a can of hairspray and Lindsay was waving a broken heel in Heather's face while Heather had eyeliner that was leaking on the floor as she was screaming that it was all Anne Maria's fault.

"Really girls?" Chris smirked at them. "Is it really worth fighting over this shit?"

"Duh! These heels cost over $200!" Lindsay yelled. "Hannah just wanted to impress Alexander! That's why she took my shoes!"

"As if." Heather rolled her eyes.

How I hate
High Heels,
Lipstick and eye shadow
and each ugly little bloomer!
I'd have cracked
years ago,
If it weren't for my
Sense of humor!

"Whose granny panties?" Chris smirked at pointed at them. "If those are yours Heather, then you'll never get Alejandro."

"Shut up, Chris!" Heather lightly pushed him. He pushed passed them and laughed as Heather continue to swear at him.

Some men are dripping with liquor
Some men are dripping with porn stars
Lucky me! Lucky me!
Look at what I'm dripping with
Total Drama girls...

"Chris, can you please tell Gwen that I don't want to speak to that boyfriend stealing goth?" Courtney walked along one side of Chris and Gwen on the other side. There was no escaping this.

"Chris, can you tell her to get over it?" Gwen sighed. "It was awhile ago!"

"I'm over it, but I still don't want to talk to her, Chris." Courtney rolled her eyes. "Aside from stealing my boyfriend, she also borrowed my shirt that I left Katie borrow."

"Yeah, but Katie left me borrow it!" Gwen yelled at her. "How was I supposed to know that she borrowed it from you?!"

"Look, I don't care." Chris told them. "Gwen is a boyfriend stealing whore who is wearing Courtney's shirt that's ugly anyway, so it's not like it matters! Is that a good answer?"

"No!" Both girls yelled at Chris and continued to fight. Courtney started grabbing the shirt while Gwen was wearing it and it ended up ripping. Chris walked away, not caring.

Boy Drama
Hormone Drama
Everything around me is Drama!
If I ring
their little necks
Surely, that will shut them up!

Chris was almost back to his room when he tripped over a pile of dirty clothes and thongs. Normally he would think that was hot, but when you tripped over a thong more than 4 times, you stop finding it attractive and you just wish that the girls would pick them up already. How is it boys can play video games and get along and these girls can't?

"Chris, can you please tell Izzy to stop looking up my dress and grabbing my crotch?" Blaineley asked Chris who gave her a dirty look.

"You can't be serious." Chris stood himself up and looked at her. "You're my age! You should be helping me with these girls!"

"I'm a contestant on this show." Blaineley informed him. "I can't help it! I'm trying to mind my own business and Izzy keeps harassing me and I live across the hall from Miss tan in a can."

"How about you put a pair of pants on and maybe you won't have this problem." Chris glared at her and then walked away, he was going to his room so he wouldn't have to deal with them for awhile.

Someday
I'll burn all their clothes!
Some night,
I'll rip out their hair!

Chris finally made it back to his room and grabbed the nearest bottle of whiskey that he could find. He needed to be drunker than he already was. This is why he never liked staying with the contestants. The Drama was great for the show, but they were driving him nuts. He was drunk enough to know he hated them. He wanted them to all get sick so they would be bed ridden all day and shut up...Strep throat sounded good, then they couldn't talk.

Send a flood
Send the flu
Anything that You can do
to the Total Drama girls!
Total Drama Drama Tot-... uhm, Drama
Oh, Total Drama girls.

Chris crawled into his bed and closed his eyes. The pounding on his door started again and he was just too drunk to care about them. It's been years he spent with these girls and he couldn't wait until they turned 18 and he could get rid of them...Or if they got knocked up, they got kicked off if they were pregnant. So, was it wrong that he didn't stop all the sex that was going on? He was supposed to, but he really wanted to get rid of them and he was hoping this show would get cancelled so he could have his life back.

Someday I'll land in the nut house
With all the nuts and the squirrels
There I'll stay
Tucked away
Until they all get voted out!
Those Total Drama girls

I tweaked the words from Annie's 'Little Girls' ever since I saw Jane Lynch sing this on Glee, I pictured Chris having a mental break down dealing with teenage girls. Once a girl gets comfortable around you they start leaving clothes around and they aren't embarrassed to ask you stuff. I just see this happening to Chris. I don't own the song, but I did tweak it enough to make it a parody. Youtube it! 'Glee Little Girls' and listen to it while you read, I listened while I wrote this.