Hijack Hijinks

Disclaimer:- Don't own them just borrowing!

Episode:- None

Pairing:- None really more of an ensemble piece with Nicola/Ollie back notes!

Rating:- M

Achieve:- http(:/) . /group/rebeccafrontlewisffarchive/

Summary:- "What do you fuckin mean you don't know how it happened? You're a driver you were bringing a government minister into the department not delivering someone's fuckin take away pizza what do you mean you just left her in the car for ten minutes?...

Author's Note:- I had this idea and put it to my little group of super fan fic girlies and they thought it was worth running with so I hope it turns out as well as I hope it will and you all enjoy it! The rating is for language mainly let's face it it's hard to write a The Thick of It story that could be rated any lower and I'm guessing is you're reading TTOI fan fic you know what you're getting but consider yourself warned anyway there will as always be copious use of the "F" word throughout so if it's not your thing turn back now! Otherwise enjoy and reviews would really be very nice indeed!

" I do apologise Minister normally I stop for Mr Tucker's papers and things before I come for you but he was late calling me with what he needed today I won't be long." Elvis said smiling in the rear view mirror as he pulled up outside the Tesco Metro not far from Nicola's house.

"It's fine honestly but don't take too long he'll still blow a fucking gasket if we're late even if he's the reason." Nicola sighed flicking through the briefing paper she was trying to read for their morning meeting but having extreme difficulty taking in. The morning had been one disaster after another since she'd opened her eyes after only three hours sleep and she didn't think she could face the rest of the day if it started with Malcolm giving her a bollocking for being late. IN the previous week she'd slept a total of about ten hours and she was finding it more and more difficult to keep her eyes open as she waited for the driver to return. Leaning her head back on the seat she said a silent thank you, as she often did, for the tinted windows in the back of the car, the last thing she needed was tomorrow front pages to be a photo of her snoring in the back of her ministerial car with some wise crack headline about her sleeping on the job. Right at that moment all she needed was a ten minute power nap and as she heard the car door open and felt it move a little too quickly away from the curb she hoped Elvis wasn't planning on getting to the DoSAC offices too quickly and spoil that for her.

"I don't fuckin believe this, where the fuck is she? Has she got to the fuckin stage where she can't tell the fuckin time anymore? How hard is it to get into the back of a fuckin car and be driven to a fuckin meeting and get there on fuckin time!" Malcolm shouted pacing back and forward in front of the door of Nicola's office glancing at the clock with each pass as Ollie and Glen looked on.

"You did tell Elvis to stop and get you your papers and orange and all that shit maybe they got stuck in traffic after he did I'll try ringing her again." Ollie sighed reaching for the phone on his desk as Glen shook his head.

"Tried that five minutes ago it's going straight to answer phone." He said trying to sound as convincing as possible as he waited till Malcolm's back was turned before nodding through the window of the office drawing Ollie's attention to Nicola's phone sitting at the corner of her desk and lowering his voice before he spoke again. "She left it here last night remember after his last call she said she was taking the night off whether he wanted her to or not."

"Shit I forgot well she better fucking get her quickly before he notices it or we're all fucking screwed." Ollie replied jumping as Malcolm punched the wall below the clock growling in frustration.

"Mannion's people are going to fucking love this the first joint press conference we've agreed to give and she can't even fuckin be here on time they will make sure that's the only fuckin thing the press focus on and don't give me that bullshit about Elvis having to stop and the supermarket for me he could have printed the fuckin papers and gone to Spain for the fucking oranges in this time this is down to her. Ollie get on to her house number see if that fuckin waste of oxygen she's calls a husband is still there and find out what time she got picked up at I'm going downstairs to see if I can see them or at least head off the fuckin opposition when they hit here and try to stop them knowing she's late. If you get her tell her that if she's not here in 30 seconds I'm going to have her shot and then stuffed and fuckin mounted on my wall as a fuckin example to others!"

"Where the hell is she, she knows this is important!" Ollie whispered angrily in Glens direction as he shrugged picking up the phone and hitting the speed dial for Nicola's home.

"Mr Murray it's Glen at DoSAC I was wondering if the Minister is still at home…. I see yes of course I realise you have more important things to do than be her personal assistant…..No of course not…So she was picked up how long ago?...Thank you." Glen said hanging up the phone and flipping a double V sign at the receiver. "Fuckin wanker I don't know why she stays with him it's a mystery to me why any woman would. After he got past abusing me for suggesting he might actually have noticed what time his wife left the house he said it was over and hour ago at least so even with the stop for Malcolm's shite she should have been here by now."

"He really is the biggest fucking tosser I've ever met and that's saying something considering we're in politics." Ollie agreed about to point out again that it must be traffic or something simple that was holding her up when he heard the lift ping and Malcolm's raised voice filling the room again.

"What do you fuckin mean you don't know how it happened? You're a driver you were bringing a government minister into the department not delivering someone's fuckin take away pizza what do you mean you just left her in the car for ten minutes?...Fuck me have you any idea how fuckin serious this is…..get your fuckin ass back here I'll get security to call the cops and before you leave there prove that you can so something fuckin useful and see if the Tesco has CCTV outside…. I don't fuckin care how you get them to give you it tell them you're with the S A fuckin S if need be but don't come back here without it."

"Malcolm what the fuck? Who was that and what the hell is going on?" Ollie asked as the older man resumed his pacing muttering a selection of expletives his fists bunching at his sides as he started punching numbers into his phone again without answering Ollie's question.

"Yes it's Malcolm Tucker from the PM's office I need to speak to someone in the ministerial protection team urgently….I don't fuckin care who just get me someone who can deal with a potential ministerial abduction and get me them fuckin now…yes I'll fuckin hold but if it's for longer than 10 seconds I'm coming over there and….fuckin shitty hold music."

"Malcolm will you tell us what the fuck has happened?" Glen snapped as he and Ollie closed in on the other man as he put his hand over the microphone on his phone before he spoke. "Elvis the fuckin dickhead left Nicola in the car outside fuckin Tesco while he went in and came out just in fuckin time to see the car speeding off with her still fuckin in it. He doesn't know if someone meant to take her or if they went for the car and didn't realise they had a fucking government minister inside but either way they'll know now and we have the mother and father of all fuckin situations on our hands."

"Wow back up someone's abducted Nicola? From a car outside fuckin Tesco because her driver was getting your fuckin shopping?" Ollie snapped not believing what he was hearing as Malcolm opened his mouth to speak again but was distracted by the obvious arrival of someone he could actually speak to on the other end of the phone.

"This can't be happening." Glen said quietly "No there's some mistake we're in London not fucking down town New York there's some mistake he's forgotten where he left the car or something."

"Yeah right Glen you keep believing that." Ollie snapped the magnitude of what was happening hitting him full on. As Malcolm had already pointed out even if the person who took the car didn't do it because they were looking to kidnap a government minister once they realised she was there they'd immediately know what they had and that meant there was no way of knowing what was going to happen next.