Warning: brief discussions of suicide

Chapter Fifteen

In the end /it doesn't even matter

Zwei Herzen

It was his own heart that woke him. To specify: his very own heartbeat.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Fucking heart monitor. Then he realized that he wasn't supposed to have one anymore. A heartbeat. He was supposed to be dead, right? He must be dead. He was so sure he was going to die. So this didn't really make sense. He wasn't supposed to have a heartbeat any longer.

Maybe it wasn't his heartbeat. He could be hearing someone else's heartbeat, right? That made totally sense. Yeah. Total fucking sense. But if it wasn't his own heartbeat, but someone else's, he still had to be alive to hear it. If he could hear the steady beeping of a heart monitor – and he was a damn heart surgeon, of course he knew what a heart monitor sounded like, he knew that sound by heart, so to speak – it ultimately meant that he was indeed alive. Against all odds. Alive and most likely in a hospital, which was in itself positive since the last thing he remembered was being stabbed repeatedly. And if he had been stabbed it was quite fortunate that he was in a hospital right now. They might be able to help him. A hospital meant supplies, a relatively safe environment, and staff he knew and trusted.

And if he added all the factors it was probably his own heartbeat he was hearing. And that meant he had already received medical care. That meant he was safe.

Safe.

His eyelids were heavy. He didn't wanna open them. He wanted to go back to sleep. Back to being unconscious. And now that he knew that he was safe, he could just sink back into the blackness within him, knowing that he could let go now.

So he let go and sank back into the soft darkness that cushioned his fall.

Kidd drove like a berserk. He didn't know what to expect when he would finally arrive at the Company grounds.

And the worst thing: It was all his fault. He fucked up. It was his mistake. He was such a stupid love-sick fool. He was so stupid. So fucking stupid. He should've known. Should've read the signs. They had been there, for God's sake, bright and yellow and pointing to Law and saying: Dangerous. Don't touch. Law had warned him. Literally warned him.

And he still got involved. He still fucking fell in love and ruined it all.

Of course it all made perfectly sense. He shouldn't be surprised that once again fate dealt him a shitty hand of cards. Of course it would be him, the doomed child from hell that would bring ruin to the Company.

He was so fucking angry at himself. He knew he was guilty. But he wasn't guilty at betrayal. Oh no. He could proudly say that he had never betrayed the Company. That had been all Law. And Law would pay for it. He would make sure of it. And if it was the last thing he did on earth. Even if hell would freeze over – he would still make Law pay.

They could take everything from him – but not his revenge.

He realized that that was the one thing in life that had never left him: The ultimate urge for revenge. So be it.

He would avenge. Whatever it might cost.

When he woke up the first thing he saw was Kidd. The shock of red hair was unmistakable. Kidd was slumped over in a chair and obviously asleep.

And that didn't really make sense, right?

Last time he had seen Kidd he had stabbed him with a tranquilizer that could knock out a horse. Then he had left Kidd crumpled on his office floor, disconnected the phone, and locked the door. And then he had gone to see Doflamingo.

Yeah. Shit. Doflamingo.

Judging from the setup he was at the Grand Line Hospital. He knew those anonymous rooms. The sterile atmosphere. The steady beeping of a heart monitor.

So he had survived.

That still didn't explain how he got here. Or why Kidd was sitting at his bedside. Thank god he wasn't holding his hand. That would've been the cheesy overkill. He couldn't deal with Kidd right now. First off he needed to deal with himself. What was going on. What was wrong with his body. He needed to know the extent of the damage done to him.

He couldn't really feel his limps. Experimentally he wiggled a toe. Something moved beneath the covers. Good. So he wasn't paralyzed. Just pumped full with painkillers. Well, being high on morphine couldn't really aid his planed self-diagnose. If he remembered right he got stabbed several times. God, Doflamingo loved to use those thin needles. They were almost invisible, but left wounds that were still deadly.

Oh god, he really got lucky.

He remembered it all now. The cold desperation. The pain.

His victory.

He had won.

Doflamingo was dead. Gone for good. Died at his hands.

He didn't believe that he could actually do it. He had been so sure that he would die trying.

God, he remembered how he had told Kidd that he would run. Leave the city. Kidd had bought the lie back then. As if he would ever run. Oh no. He had always known that it would come down to this. That Doflamingo would die at his hands – or he would die at Doflamingo's. There had never been an alternative. It had been the only way.

Sometimes he had wondered if he could really pull it off. To finally face him. In the end he had needed a couple of years away from him to build up the courage. The past weeks with Kidd had helped too.

Shit, Kidd.

With his luck Kidd was only waiting at his bedside to finish him finally off. End what Doflamingo wasn't able to do anymore. He really didn't want Kidd to wake up. He didn't think he could deal with all the rage and accusations right now. He was way to blissed out on morphine. And the hospital bed was really comfortable. Maybe if he would close his eyes again and pretend to sleep Kidd wouldn't know that he was awake. And then he would eventually get bored and leave. After he woke up, of course.

Yeah, that was a brilliant plan.

So he shut his eyes again and instantly fell back asleep.

When Kidd arrived at the Galleya grounds no one was there. Of course he panicked. He didn't know what to do.

What had he expected? A bloodbath? Probably.

The police? Plenty.

A shootout. For sure.

Screams, flames, death.

Kidd parked the car and killed the engine. Carefully he got out of the car. He wished he had a gun on him. He was wound tight. Ready to attack. Ready to kill.

But instead he got nothing. All was silent. Not even a bird was making a sound in the early morning hours. Nothing was out of place.

But the Galleya grounds didn't seem like the occupants were simply in their beds and sleeping. No. It felt deserted.

What the fuck was going on?

He slowly made his way over to the office building. He was thankful that the shipyard was a labyrinth of materials and ships in various stages of completion. A labyrinth he knew every damn corner of. He had the advantage on this grounds. He didn't let himself be fooled by his intuition. There could be a well set up trap for all he knew.

He had almost made it to the office building when he heard the engines. Multiple vehicles were approaching the shipyard and they were fast.

The next time Law woke he felt the pain. All his joints were aching. There was a lot of pain in his chest. In his left arm. He groaned. It was really painful.

He opened his eyes and Kidd was gone. The chair next to his bed was empty. His mouth was dry. His throat was aching. He tried to say something, but he didn't manage a word. He tried to sit up but he was too tired. And it hurt.

Kidd didn't hide. He was done hiding. He shook off the remnants of the drugs cursing through his veins. He sprinted to the office building, through a side entrance, down the hallway, into the file room where a gun safe was secretly hidden behind a bookshelf. He needed less than a minute to open it, enter the combination and arm himself.

Whoever was coming – he was prepared. He left the office building through the front entrance, rifle in hand. He was done hiding. He met the arriving cars head on. He had already lost all that was to lose.

He was ready to end it. Here and now. While standing up, here, on the Galleya grounds, defending his home, facing whatever might come.

He had long stopped hoping.

The black SUVs came to a screeching halt in front of the apartment building. Shanks jumped out of the first SUV, grinning like the mad man he was.

"Hey Kidd, what's you been up to? You missed the whole action!"

He was stunned into silence.

Iceberg followed Shanks right out of the car: "Where have you been? Your boyfriend was in trouble-"

"-and we helped him out!" Shanks finished for Iceberg. The rest of the crew came out of the other cars. They all seemed well. No visible injuries. Most of them were chatting excitedly.

"Damn, Kidd, you missed out on all the fun! The shit had been going down for real!" Ace grinned.

"Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on?"

"Wait – you have no clue? What have you been doing the whole night? Jerking off?"

"I was knocked unconscious you little shit!"

"What happened to you?"

"I overheard Law talking to fucking Doflamingo on the phone. I confronted him about it. He stabbed me-"

"He stabbed you? Why are you not bleeding?"

"-with a needle, you dumb monkey-"

"You got knocked out by a needle? This is hilarious-"

"Luffy, shut up."

"Can someone please put the monkey brothers to bed?"

Kidd felt the urge to face palm. Zoro tried to calm the brothers down who started expressing their desire for food. Nami started yelling at Luffy. A steady hand on his elbow steered him away from the ruckus. He followed Lucci around the corner and started breathing again for the first time since the SUVs arrived.

Lucci's piercing eyes helped him stay grounded. "What happened, Rob?"

"Law killed Doflamingo."

"He did what?"

"We just got there to clean up the scene. Finish the rest of."

"But – I thought he worked for him!"

"Officially I also work for the government. Doesn't mean I won't kill them all in the end."

"So he's truly dead?"

"Wanna see his body? It's in the back of Franky's truck. But they're gonna dispose it in like three minutes, so if you want a peak-"

But Kidd had already left Lucci at the corner and went to see for himself. He knew that he had to see with his own eyes. Otherwise he could never believe it.

He stood in front of Franky's truck and watched, frozen and stunned into silence, how Franky and Khoza hauled a body sized lump from the truck bed. A gust of wind made the dark plastic cover flap. He almost didn't recognize Joker's face. It was beaten to pulp. His blonde hair was streaked with red. Khoza and Franky carried the corpse out of sight.

So it was over. Killer was avenged.

And then he remembered Law.

"Lucci! Where's Law?" Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic.

"Chopper took him to the hospital. He didn't look too good. They don't think he'll make it."

"You shouldn't be here" Law rasped. His throat hurt.

Kidd startled awake. "You woke up!"

"Obviously."

"DOCTOR! HE WOKE UP!"

"Stop yelling for fuck's sake."

"Are you alright? How are you feeling? Listen, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have reacted like that-"

"Shut up." He couldn't look at him right now.

"I should've trusted you more, I am really sorry – wait, what?"

"I said: Shut up."

"Law-"

A doctor followed by two nurses came in and Kidd finally shut up. He couldn't deal with this emotional crap right now. He couldn't deal with Kidd right now. He gladly accepted some water one of the nurses gave him while the doctor checked up on him.

"Do you know who you are?" The doctor asked friendly. He didn't know him personally, but he had seen him around the Grand Line Hospital.

"Dr. Trafalgar Law."

"Good. Do you recognize where you are?"

"Grand Line Hospital, ICU wing."

"Excellent. Great to have you back, doctor. No signs of amnesia. No signs of a concussion. But you took severe damage to your liver and your gastrointestinal tract. We did what we could. You will have a long recovery period. But if you don't strain yourself and don't reopen your stitches you will be as good as new in a couple months."

"That's good news, doc."

"You got real lucky there, Dr. Trafalgar. And try to behave as long as you're hospitalized. Doctors make the worst patients."

"I'll try, doc" Law said dryly.

"Great. And one more thing: Do you feel strong enough to get questioned by the police? They have been waiting like vultures in my wing for you to wake up. I won't tell them you're awake until you fell ready to face them."

Law looked at Kidd. He sat calmly by his side. He didn't seem concerned that the police would come barge in here any second and would arrest him. Kidd smiled wryly and nodded.

"Yeah, send them in. I want them off my back as soon as possible."

The doctor nodded and the nurses adjusted his infusions. One of them went outside and brought a grumpy looking grey haired officer back inside. Smoker. Of course.

The doctor asked: "You will be alright?"

Law nodded and let out a breath when the doctor and nurses left his room. The world was still kinda fuzzy and there was a prominent twinge in his gut and he was tired, he wanted to sleep again, the mattress was so soft, his covers were so warm-

"Law. Nice to see that you've come back from the dead", Smoker grunted. "Kidd. Will you leave us for a second?"

Kidd glared daggers at Smoker but got up and left the room. Law felt as if Kidd took all the air with him.

"Look, don't worry Law, we got it covered, alright?"

"I'm sorry, but I don't quite understand-"

"We've been working day and night to keep this mess under the radar. Officially Doflamingo is on a business trip to the South. The announcement that he got killed in a rebellious turmoil will hit the news in a couple days. Nobody will make the connection between you and him. We cleaned up after you. You made quite the mess there, but you got some loyal friends there."

"I don't know what to say-"

"How 'bout nothing? You'd do the same for one of us. We know that. You're part of the Company. They don't let you go once you got in. Luffy is one hell of a persistent bastard. Goes for the rest of 'em too."

Law was stunned speechless. This couldn't be real. He knew that he had killed Doflamingo. He had never expected to survive. And this - this was too easy. Good things didn't happen to him. Never had. And some irrational part of him still feared that Doflamingo was still alive. That he had somehow magically survived. That he would just walk in here and take him.

But it was over.

The pain in his gut form countless knife wounds, the dull ache of it lessened by pain medication, the stoic officer in front of him, and Kidd, waiting probably right outside his door, told him that it was over. He was a rational being. He didn't believe in superstition. He could trust his senses.

"The only thing you should still worry about is the red haired mess listening at the door right now."

"Kidd?"

"Yeah. The man didn't sleep the last four days. I think you got some explainin' to do."

"I can't." He couldn't. He couldn't deal with him right now. He couldn't deal with this mess. Not when we could barely stay awake for an entire conversation. Not when he was high as fuck on painkillers and his guard was down. He was afraid what Kidd might truly see in him, now, that his armor was stripped away and he lay here, completely unprotected. He was naked. Nothing protected him any longer. "Can you please tell him that I don't want to see him?"

"You sure about this?"

"Yes. I can't. I can't deal with this right now. I'm exhausted. I-"

"I get it. Get some sleep, boy."

"Thanks."

Smoker left his room and shut the door behind him. It was eerily calm. The beating of his heart monitor did nothing to disrupt the heavy silence.

He was so tired. So tired of all this. He shut his eyes. The door to his room didn't open again.

"Go home Kidd" Smoker said when he closed the door to Law's room behind him. "Get a good's night sleep."

"No, I can't, I have to be here, I have to tell him I'm sorry, I need to protect him-"

"You didn't sleep in two days, didn't you? You probably just left the room to go the bathroom and get a snack. It's not healthy. Not for you and not for him. Law had gone against everything he once believed in. He basically killed his family. He tore his life apart and it probably took him a great amount of strength to do so. He needs to rest, Kidd. He doesn't need your guilt on top of that."

Kidd mulled a second over Smoker's words. Damn him. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, Kidd, go home. He said he didn't wanna see you." The look from Kidd's face probably made Smoker add quickly: "It's not personal. Give him space. Stop making decisions for Law. He just killed the last person that tried to rule his life."

Kidd took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. During the last two days in that uncomfortable hospital chair he had a lot to think about. About Joker and that he his life wasn't the only one that got destroyed by him. About Law. About their relationship. And he knew that Smoker was right. They had started their affair/relationship/fling – whatever it was – on unequal footing. He had been the one in a position of power, using Law to his whim. From what he had heard from Shanks it was exactly the same thing that Doflamingo had done to him. He wanted to say sorry. Because that was what he was: deeply sorry. He couldn't stand the thought of losing Law. He realized that the long hours he kept watching the slow rising and sinking of Law's chest. Listening to his wonderful heartbeat. He wanted Law in his life.

He sighed: "You're right, Smoker, sorry."

Smoker nodded and Kidd followed him down the hallway. He didn't want to drive Law further away. Law deserved a break. A break from this whole mess, a break from everything related to Doflamingo, a break from everything connected to crime and the underground.

He drove home with Smoker and started packing Law's stuff. He would let Law go it that was what he wanted. He would give him as much space as he needed. For once in his life Kidd wouldn't be selfish. Because Law came first. Always.

Law was discharged from the hospital after seventeen days. He wasn't allowed to come back to work anytime soon. The worried nurses from his wing made that clear. It was nice staying in a hospital where he actually worked. He got treated way better than the average patient, he could seriously discuss his diagnosis with his colleagues, and the nurses knew him and liked him.

As far as hospital stays went his was comparatively pleasant. Kidd didn't come back. In fact no one from the Galleya Company did.

He wasn't sure if he should feel relieved or abandoned. After a while Kidd's presence in his room felt like a hallucination. A mad fever dream. In fact the whole situation with the Company felt like a mad fever dream. He still expected Doflamingo to walk in his room like he owned the place anytime soon. After the first two weeks he was fairly sure that Doflamingo wouldn't rise from the dead and haunt him.

When he finally walked out of the hospital he was almost convinced that he did it. That Doflamingo would stay dead. The sun was shining and a fresh sea breeze ruffled his hair. It had gotten long. He took a deep breath and smiled. He was free. Finally.

He just had no clue what to do now.

Luckily he had still some spare clothes in his office so he could walk out of the hospital in his own damn clothes.

The future was his. Except he had no damn idea where to go now. He was still employed at the hospital, so there should be some money on his account. With a sigh he walked up to the nearest bus stop and waited for a bus.

He ended up in a cheap motel. The whole bus ride had been exhausting. His body was still recovering. He stripped down to his briefs and curled up on the cheap sheets.

The next day he got himself the basic toiletries at the drugstore around the corner. He ate a sandwich. Then he had to go back to the motel to lay down.

He watched some TV.

He napped a lot.

He let his body heal.

He was bored out of his mind.

And the whole time he knew that he was stalling the inevitable. He wasn't a coward. He knew that he would have to face Kidd at some point. All his stuff was still at the Company. He didn't really care for most of it, but he would like his hat back, thank you. And some of his medical journals had been expensive.

And he owned Kidd an explanation. That much at least. His dignity just resurrected. And he intended to keep it.

But first he needed some more time for himself. He needed to learn how to breathe again. He could stop checking if someone was following him on his errands. He didn't need to fear one of Doflamingo's lackeys around the corner. The Galleya members took care of them. Of all of them. Technically he was free. It took some time to get used to the feeling. Mostly he felt dread. Dread and guilt.

It took him another week to man up and face the music. He took the bus to the harbor. From there he walked the two miles to the Galleya grounds.

He met Usopp at the gates. Before he could say a word he was caught in a fierce hug. Oh well. Awkward. He preferred not to touch people. Before Usopp could open his big mouth Law asked: "Do you know where I can find Kidd?"

There. He said it.

Usopp just smiled knowingly. "He's not in right now. But you're welcome to stay and wait. You could do some catching up with the rest of the crew. You're always welcome here you know."

Law just shrugged and pulled his hat down so it would shade his eyes. He couldn't let his emotions get the best of him. The Galleya grounds felt too much like home to him. Shit. He got attached. And now it would hurt like a bitch to leave all this behind. He shouldn't have come here. It was a mistake. It was all a mistake-

"Come on, let's go inside, it's way too hot out here, I think Sanji made grilled salmon for dinner…"

Law followed Usopp in a daze. He felt insecure. He was a fucking heart surgeon for god's sake. There shouldn't be a single insecure bone in his body. But Doflamingo had done a number on him. Kidd had done a number on him. Apparently his heart thought he was a teenager. It probably had some things to catch up upon. Since his whole childhood, teenage years, and most of his young adult life had been stolen by Doflamingo.

True to Usopp's word Sanji was in the kitchen, busy with countless pans and pots. Sanji grinned when he saw him. He got a tight hug and a crude joke. It was good to see his old friend again. Robin and Nami weren't far. He hadn't realized how much he had missed his old clique. They had been the only thing that kept him sane during the past years.

He was relieved that he hadn't lost them. They chatted with him as if he had never attempted to sell the Company out. As if he didn't betray them all. He felt like crying.

Nami and Robin sensed his mood and tactfully kept the conversation light. They filled him in with the latest Galleya gossip: Apparently Sanji and Zoro had one of their legendary rows and weren't exactly on speaking terms and there was a betting pool when they would make up again. Nami had her money down on tonight. She was usually right.

Even now, after supposedly a fight with Zoro, Sanji seemed a lot happier than he was months ago. There was a swing in his step. Fire in his eyes.

But Nami and Robin also looked content. Settled. At home. The haunted look in Robin's eyes was gone. Nami hadn't yelled once while he had been in the room. He was happy for his friends.

Slowly the rest of the Galleya members came in one after another, probably drawn by the mouth-watering smell of Sanji's salmon dish. He got a lot of hugs, the occasional clap on his back, a respectful nod by Lucci.

Smoker was there with Ace. Luffy tried to snatch some dessert but Nami prevented the mess with a merciless tug on Luffy's ear. Franky had his huge paw possessively wrapped around Robin's hip. Vivi was sunken into a conversation with the quiet Khoza. Chopper and Usopp started abusing chopsticks. Shanks was at the bar. Iceburg, Lucci, and Zoro were discussing sheets of paper that looked like blueprints. Kaya was making coy eyes at Usopp.

Only Kidd was missing.

Hesitantly he sat down to eat. He felt oddly out of place without Kidd here. The Company was as close as a home he would get. But without Kidd here he didn't feel at home.

There was something missing without the red haired oaf.

He was far into his dessert when Kidd made an appearance. He was squeezed in between Franky and Ace. Kidd stood at the head of the table, looked around, and finally noticed him. Kidd's facial expression didn't change.

Huh. He had expected something.

Then Kidd grunted in acknowledgement, sat down on the other end of the table, and devoured whatever Sanji managed to save from Ace and Luffy. The whole moment was sort of anticlimactic.

When they're done with dinner he lingers behind. He watched Kidd from the periphery.

The knock on his door came around midnight. Kidd had worked the whole day at the yard and he could feel every single one of his muscles. He just came out of a hot shower and was about ready to crash.

The last week had been exhausting. Law had been back for one week. He had his own room in the apartment building and he was helping out Chopper in his little clinic. In two weeks Law would be back at the hospital, but not working double shifts this time. Just regular hours. A regular life. Law was getting back on track.

Each night when he saw Law at dinner he had been looking better. Healthier. The dark circles underneath his eyes had started to vanish. He looked livelier. Younger. He looked simply too good to be true. Too good for him. God knew that he didn't deserve nice things in his life. And well, at the beginning Law hadn't been a nice thing. Law had been a goddamn hooker. Someone who sold his body to strangers. Even if Kidd had been the only one – in the end it had been what it was: A transaction. A bloody transaction.

And when Law had finally gotten what he wanted – his revenge – he had no need for him anymore. He had made that clear at the hospital.

So he was slightly surprised when he opened the door to find Law anxiously waiting in the hallway. Law was completely dressed in black skinny jeans, a sweater and he even wore a bloody hat. Kidd was only wearing his boxers. Well – he had been about to go to bed.

"What do you want?" he grunted. The physical exhaustion he felt had just increased tenfold. Dealing with Law took always so much energy.

Law seemed unable to answer.

"Is this about the money?" He had stopped paying Law his monthly seven grand the moment he was discharged from the hospital. Since it was obvious they weren't sleeping together anymore. Since it was obvious that all that Kidd had been to Law was money and a good fuck. And who was he kidding. It had been like this from the very beginning and he shouldn't fool himself.

"Is this a bad time?" Law finally asked.

"What did you expect knocking on my door at this time? Me being up and playing the piano? I worked the whole fucking day. I'm beat."

"I didn't wake you, didn't I? I thought I heard you-"

Kidd buried his head in his hands and took a deep breath. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. In fact he had no fucking idea how this was supposed to go.

"Look, you can come in, alright?" he finally mumbled. He turned around stalked back into his messy room. He sat on his unmade bed and stared at Law.

Law softly closed the door and tentatively sat down next to him on the bed.

They both sat in an uncomfortable silence when Law finally said: "To answer your question from the door: This isn't about the money. I wish it never had been."

"Yeah, me neither." Kidd admitted softly.

"You've been at the hospital."

"Yeah."

"I sent you away. I wasn't ready to deal with you back then."

"Deal with me?" Kidd asked incredulous.

"You've only seen me at my lowest. You've met a desperate and haunted version of me. I've been raddled. The past months hadn't been easy. The only thing that made them more bearable was you. The nights spent with you. You've been easy most of the time. Easy to deal with. I knew what you wanted. Well, until it got more complicated." Law laughed drily. "But still, I kept going. You have no idea for how long I played with the thoughts of just fleeing. Running. Leaving everything I built up here behind, leaving my friends, leaving the job I earned – just running, never stooping, ever afraid of Doflamingo."

"No one escapes him."

"No one. Maybe I could've gotten a few years, but in the end…" Law shuddered visibly. "It was never only the money I owned him. He had been in my life since the beginning. We were step brothers, did you know? Never met my parents… But he was always there. In a negative sense. I only realized what an abusive bastard he was when I finally got out."

"Why were you still indebted to him when you got out?"

"I never really got out. I figured it out years later, it was only an illusion, an illusion of freedom. I was still a prisoner in his birdcage. Besides – I left someone behind when I went to med school. I got worse when I went away. Way worse."

"What happened?"

"He committed suicide. When I was in med school. I didn't know until I was back in Grand Line City. Doflamingo waited three month to tell me."

"Shit."

"You're the first I ever told about him."

"Who was he?"

"My brother. My younger brother."

He didn't know what to say. I'm sorry sounded to hollow. To hollow for the situation. For everything. So after a few moments of heavy silence he offered his own heart: "There had been a drug deal gone wrong when I was a teenager. My best friend was killed right before my eyes. Along with several others. The man who executed my friend was called Joker. Only later I found out that he went by the name Doflamingo. I lost my arm in the shooting. Joker sold my barely alive body to a secret government funded science project. I was experimented upon. That's how I ended up with this arm."

"Well, sucks to be you."

"Yeah, sucks to be you too."

"After I found out how much it had gotten with Doflamingo when I was away… He had just started his drug imperium, and he took every little failure personal and took it all out on my brother since I wasn't there any longer…"

"Being back here – being back in Grand Line City – I wanted to flee. I couldn't face him. I was screwed up, scratch that, I'm still screwed up; I couldn't leave him. I was still talking to him, thanking him even for the money he invested in me – a couple years away from him didn't shake off an entire childhood of brainwashing. I started working as a surgeon at the hospital. Got my own place. One condition for living at my own apartment was that I'd pay back the money. I agreed. Of course I agreed. I couldn't live under the same roof my brother put a bullet through his head."

"Shit."

"The job was the best thing that could've happened to me. I finally realized to the full extent what Doflamingo had done to me. Done to all of us. How he had poisoned us. I needed to get away from him but I felt as if I would leave again bad things would happen. Like the last time when I left town. So I stayed. I let Doflamingo pressure me. I let my rage built up."

"Then I came along."

"Then you came along. Well, technically first came Sanji and Robin along, dragging me right into their circle of friends. Simultaneously it was the best and the worst what could have happened to me. I finally saw joy in life again. I started to appreciate life. I wanted to be a surgeon and hold people's hearts in my hands. I wanted to go out with my friends. I wanted to fuck some devilishly hot red-haired stranger in seedy bars."

"And why was that the worst that could have happened to you?"

"Because suddenly I wanted to live! I got a glimpse of what life could be. What being alive truly felt like. I didn't want to go. Because the only thing I knew for sure in my life – the only truth that I had ever known – that the day I would kill Doflamingo would be my last day too. The chance was way higher that I would die trying. After all he did to me, after all he did to my brother… I needed revenge. Revenge had been the only thing that made me get up in the morning. The only thought that helped me keep sane. The only thought that made it bearable to stand in front of him. I always knew that it had to be me. I was the only one that could get close enough to hurt him. He was one of the most powerful and best protected persons in the city. It had to be me. Men like him simply don't die in car accidents. Or get shot. I was the only one that could come close enough. The only one. He killed my brother. It had to be me."

"But you did it."

"I never thought I would survive. Surviving wasn't a possibility. I dreaded the decision. I didn't want to go and kill him. I wanted to live a little bit longer. I wanted to enjoy my job, my friends, my lover. I just wanted to live. I had a chance, a few months back – and I bailed. I was a coward. I just wanted to live a bit longer. Just a few more months I told myself. I used the money to keep Doflamingo of my back. To distract him, to give him the prospect of getting me back in his clutches. His obsession with me was his downfall in the end. I used the money to distract me. I didn't want to face the fact that it would be me or him in the end. I put off the inevitable. But the walls were closing in. Doflamingo lost his patience with me. He sent his top enforcer on my heels. He knew that I got inside the Galleya Company. He was so close to getting everything he ever wanted. The Galleya Company destroyed, me back in his clutches…"

Law shuddered and looked down on his tattooed hands. "I only ever wanted to live. Be a doctor, have a couple of fun friends. You were the cherry on top. I tried to put of the inevitable, but look where that got me."

"But you survived. You're here." You're safe. You're with me.

"It still feels surreal. Like it's a dream and any moment I'll wake up."

"He won't get you. I won't let him. He's dead. You killed him."

"Kidd, you're so stupid. Of course he's dead, I killed him with my bare hands. Do you get it? I killed with my bare hands. I saw the life leaving his eyes. I was there. The only thing I can't handle right now is that I survived, alright?"

"How can you say that?"

"Fuck you, Kidd. You know how goddamn hard it is to come back to life after you broke everything off? How fucking hard it was to see you sit there at my hospital hand, holding my fucking hand? You should hate me. You have no right to still love me."

"You know what, Law? Fuck you. Fuck you and your bullshit. I do whatever the fuck I want. You little shit should be fucking grateful that I haven't punched you in the face so far!"

"What are you waiting for? I betrayed you in every way possible-" Law couldn't finish his sentence since Kidd was already on him, pressing him down on the bed and kissing him hard.

And he didn't stop kissing him. He wanted to possess him.

Finally.

Law kissed back with even more fury.

He pressed Law into the mattress, trying to cover as much of his body with his own. Law's fingers were scratching down his back, there was a hand in his hair, tugging harshly on his red strands; Kidd gasped for air, then he attacked Law's neck. Never tasted skin any better. Law was his.

The body beneath him twisted and suddenly he was on his back, Law was on top of him, one hand around his throat, squeezing. There was fire in his eyes. So much fire. They were burning. Burning alive.

He couldn't breathe, he was choking, but he didn't care. Law was back. With a mean grin he used his metal arm to yank Law down so their mouths met again. He breathed in the air from Law's lungs. Law was writhing above him, tearing on his hair, his skin, every ounce of flesh he got a hand of.

He desperately tried to yank Law's clothes off. His metal arm came in handy. Law's mouth still burned on his. He needed to feel Law. He needed-

Law just bit his lower lip. He arched his back off the back and got a hand in Law's hair. He yanked Law's head back and stared at Law's swollen lips, red with drops of his blood.

They both froze for a moment.

Then they were back at each other, tearing off the last of their clothing, biting, scratching, trying to consume the other fully. He felt blood rushing in his ear. His heart was beating desperately against his ribcage.

To feel Law's skin back on his skin –

Law was sucking bruises in his neck, they were rutting against each other, there was a hand on his cock, more, he needed more, more of Law, more of his skin, his lips -

Somehow he ended back on his back, staring up at Law who was sitting on top of him, grinding his hips. Kidd bucked his hips, tried to get more contact. The look in Law's eyes was glorious. Piercing gray eyes stared down at him, a sinfully mocking grin on his bruised lips.

He let Law have the upper hand for a few moments. He bathed in the glorious moment. Their bodies were slick with sweat and shit, those hips, shit, shit –

Suddenly Law's hand was back on his cock. He moaned. He squeezed his eyes shut and opened them in the exact same moment, he couldn't stop staring at Law, Law, Law –

He wanted to flip them over, have Law underneath him again, but he was weak in Law's hands, he moaned, he couldn't, shit, he couldn't possibly last any longer, not now, not with Law, Law, his Law.

His orgasm hit him like a sledgehammer.

Law just grinned at him and followed a few moments after and collapsed on top of him.

Kidd buried his face in Law's neck and tried to regain his breath. His human hand was shaking visibly when he raised it to place it softly on Law's sweaty back.

The adrenaline drained slowly from his body and his exhaustion caught up with him. Law was back in his arms. Finally.

Falling asleep had never felt better.

Law woke up in Kidd's bed. The sheets were tangled all around them. Kidd was sleeping soundly on his stomach, his muscular arms bunched under his pillow. The early morning sun was peeking through the half drawn curtains. Kidd's naked back was magnificent. He could see all the different muscle strands under the pale skin. He touched Kidd's warm skin and followed with his thump one of the scratch marks he had undoubtedly left on his back.

Kidd grunted and turned around, unconsciously wrapping half of his body around Law. He had forgotten how warm Kidd's body was. Like a furnace.

He just laid there and enjoyed Kidd's presence. He should probably get up and shower but he wanted to enjoy the moment for a bit longer. For the first time in months he felt as if there had been this huge light lifted from him. Kidd had forgiven him. Not with words, but with actions.

For the first time in ages he knew that he had a future. He allowed himself to smile slightly. He was ready to leave the past behind. The future was his.

Kidd stirred next to him, eyelids fluttering, and the grip on his hips tightening. Kidd groaned and buried his head in Law's shoulder.

"Hey." Kidd mumbled in his shoulder.

"Good morning." Law whispered back.

"You're still here."

"Yeah."

"Are we good?"

"Yeah, we're good."

Law could basically feel Kidd's grin. "So, since we're good… You wanna give me head to wake up?"

There was unmistakably Kidd's rather huge erection poking in his thigh. Law wasn't better off. There was something about waking up in the same bed with Kidd.

He turned around, got a hand in Kidd's wonderful hair and stared in those blood-colored eyes, still soft from sleep. "Why don't you give me one?" he suggested.

Kidd kissed him softly on the lips. "I missed you, you know?"

"Now don't go all emotional over me."

Kidd chuckled: "Says the one who had been crying on my bed last night."

"I didn't cry." Law said indignantly. "Now get to work."

Still grinning Kidd flipped him on his back and got right down to business. He didn't waste any time laying soft kissed all over his stomach, oh no, Kidd just took his half hard erection right into his hot mouth and started sucking.

Law arched off the bed. Shit. He had forgotten how fucking hot Kidd's mouth could be. How easily the man swallowed his cock. No gag reflex whatsoever.

He desperately grabbed for the sheets, he needed something to hold on, oh shit, one hand found its way into the shock of Kidd's flaming red hair. Kidd just sucked harder. His hips were automatically fucking Kidd's mouth and the man just let it happen. Fucking hot.

He wouldn't last long. Not when Kidd was serious about getting him off. Kidd was lacking his usual playfulness in bed. He was sucking his cock with a scary intensity. Everything about Kidd was always so intense. So much. Almost too much.

There was the slightest hint of teeth, Kidd swallowed him down and Law couldn't take it any longer. Both hands in Kidd's hair he arched of the bed and silently came down Kidd's throat.

"Shit." He fell back against the pillows, panting.

Kidd softly licked his spent cock clean, then he started kissing his way up Law's torso. He kissed and licked every single curve of his tattoo, kissed every single one of his latest scars.

Romantic fool.

Kidd finally arrived at his mouth and gave him a quick peck on the lips.

"Go brush your teeth. You taste gross." Law teased.

"Alright, babe-"

"What did you just call me?"

"-don't leave the bed."

Law grinned and watched Kidd's naked body stalk over to the bathroom. The man really had a magnificent back. Those broad shoulders, strands of muscles moving under pale skin. The dents above his tight ass.

Law buried his face back in Kidd's pillow and enjoyed the afterglow while Kidd was rummaging in the bathroom.

He must've fallen back asleep because the smell of freshly brewed coffee assaulted his nostrils.

When he opened his eyes he was confronted with a cup of freshly brewed coffee and a tray full of food. Kidd had put some clothes back on, but there was still a heavy bulge indenting his shorts. He smiled. The morning wasn't over yet.

"Hey." Kidd kissed him again. His breath smelled decidedly better than a few minutes ago. And what was up with Kidd and all the kissing anyway?

Kidd got rid of his ratty T-shirt and crawled back under the covers, balancing the tray full of food. He settled in next to him, long legs casually touching.

Law sipped on his coffee, perfect, just the way he liked it, and let Kidd munch on the sandwiches which were undoubtedly Sanji's creation.

"Will ever morning be like this? You bringing me food after we fucked?"

"Technically we haven't fucked yet. But yeah, why not?"

"You're so domestic. Besides, I'll go back to work again next week."

Kidd just shrugged and continued to munch on his sandwich. After a few moments of comfortable silence where Law was nursing his coffee Kidd suddenly asked: "But you're gonna stay here, right? You're gonna stay with the Galleya Company?"

"I'm planning to. I like it here. My friends are here. They pulled some strings so that I don't even have to face charges. As long as I'm welcome here, I'd like to stay."

"Good. That's good. So you're gonna move back into my room?"

Law put down his coffee on the nightstand and turned around to face Kidd. "I don't think that is such a good idea."

Kidd's expression turned blank and he slowly put his sandwich down. God, Law hated it when he wasn't able to read Kidd. He hadn't been able to read Kidd the past week. It had unnerved him. Kidd usually wore his heart on his sleeve. And the last seven days Kidd had always been so guarded around him. Tiptoeing around him, face carefully blank. Oh how he hated that expression.

"Look, I-" Law started, but Kidd interrupted him.

"I get it, ok? I mean I had some time to myself the past week to think a little. I get it, alright? I mean you're Trafalgar Law, heart surgeon. Now there is nothing holding you back any longer. You're free to conquer the world. I can't give you a future. I never prepared to live a happy fulfilled life. I have no plans for the future. I'm just a gang member. A cripple. I'm wanted in seven states, did you know? And you're a doctor. With a real degree. You went to med school. You're smart. You achieved something. I'm just a sore loser. I'm good for a quick fuck, Law, I can't give you what you deserve."

"God, Kidd, you're so stupid."

"What do you mean?"

"Just shut up, Kidd. I can't stand pity. Even if it's just pity for yourself. I'm not moving in with you in the same room because we're already living in the same building. And as you so helpfully pointed out I'm a heart surgeon and you're running with a gang. That equals crazy hours. I'd like to get a full night of uninterrupted sleep here and then. I need a quiet space where I can study, read my med journals uninterrupted. That doesn't mean that you're not allowed to come over. Or that I won't spent most of my nights in here."

"Are you sure?"

"Oh just shut up and fuck me."

A/N: Thanks for your patience. It took me literally years to finish this story. I couldn't have done it without you!