If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
Mistinguette

Encyclopaedia Britannica

Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
£1000 pounds or best offer.

Reason for sale:- No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows F*king everything

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.

"Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!

"Male assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

TWIN GIRLS

There was a married couple who lived in a rural area of Spain. Their house was a modest little cottage, located on the edge of a busy main road. They had two daughters who were both twin girls.

As they grew up, the twin girls were very well-behaved. They never fought or argued. They lived happily together and hated to be separated.

One day, the mother had to go to the shop and buy some milk and bread. She didn’t want to leave the girls on their own so she brought them with her. Grasping both girls by the hand, the mother led them across the busy road.

Unfortunately, the mother had forgotten to look both ways before she crossed the street. Just as they neared the other side, she heard a loud screech and then a horrible crunching sound as her daughters’ tiny hands were torn out of her grasp.

When the mother twirled around to look, she screamed in horror at what she saw and collapsed on the sidewalk. The twin girls had been run over by a huge truck. The bloody remains of the twin girls were splattered across the road.

The mother began crying and sobbing hysterically. Try as she might, she couldn’t tear her eyes away from the two big streaks of red that stained the road.

At the funeral the father tried to confort his wife, but she was inconsolable. Over and over, she screamed “This is all my fault! This is all my fault!”

Four years later, the mother and father still lived in the same house beside the road where their daughters had perished. The woman became pregnant again. The couple were surprised when the doctors told them that they would be having twins again.

The parents rejoiced when their two little girls were born. This happy event caused the mother to forget the tragedy of the past. As the twin girls grew up, their mother and father were careful never to mention the previous children. They acted as if the deceased girls had never existed.

One day, the two little twin girls were playing in the garden. Their mother came out and told them to come with her to the shop. As they stood at the edge of the road, the mother took hold of the hands of the two girls and held them tightly.

Suddenly, as the mother began walking across the road, the girls began to struggle and tried to slip out of their mother’s grasp.

“No, Mommy! Don’t hold us!”, cried the twin girls in unison. “We don’t want to die again!”

TONGUE TWISTERS

If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
How do I understand that you understand? Understand!

If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

You've no need to light a night-light
On a light night like tonight,
For a night-light's light's a slight light,
And tonight's a night that's light.
When a night's light, like tonight's light,
It is really not quite right
To light night-lights with their slight lights
On a light night like tonight.