new chapter now please

Damn

Interested to see where this goes….. is the house tanya is referring to the one in forks…I don’t think so..just needed clarification. Why did jasper kiss her, and declare he will be there for her….did he already have feelings for her?

this is so good are you going to continue?

So I'm going to try and help you out a bit ok?

First of all I'm saying this bluntly.

Your grammar sucks. There's no caps, the spelling is way off. Also there is no proper punctuation. Using Microsoft Word or having a friend Beta read would solve that problem in a heartbeat. It makes the story difficult to read. Promise, not promus.

Also, the plot moves way to fast and the characters are just names. They don't build, grow and develop into something you can enjoy. They act as basic outlines for you to move, like puppets. You need to think of the characters as an extension of who they are in the plot you're working with. Like you're writing a play for them to act out, a continuation or a rewriting of the orginal novel. Stephanie Meyer is a paticularly wonderful role model for good writing. Looking to her work and comparing it would help with those issues. Figure out what you like best about her work and work that into your story.

And as forementioned, the plot. It's rushed beyond belief and entirely unbelieveable. It's all cycling too fast and it's almost dizzying. A basic outline could go something like this...

chp1. Build up to the plot, maybe at the end Alice discover's they're being attacked

chp2. They decide to leave, explanation as to why they leave Jasper

chp3. Jasper finds Bella. He explains the story.

chp4. Jasper and Bella bond - sub plot moments

chp5. They discover the others are dead

chp6. Mourning, more Jasper and Bella bonding

You get the idea? Make people want what's going to happen next, they need to want to know what's happening next, not have it delievered in a single chapter. Readers are hard people to understand - take too long and they complain, too short and they won't read. You have to find the perfect balance.

And then there's the issue with 'passive sentences' as I call it. It seems like stuff is repeated over and over. So you end up skipping bits and pieces to find out what happens next. You don't realize your missing out on good reading, just that you get to find out what's happening next.

A good example of good a good fanfic is 'Is this love', it's a Bella/Jasper fic with an M rating. You want to read every sentence of that one.

Also the song in the middle was a bit confusing and it took a few rereads to figure out the reference and why it was there.

I bet you could be a good writer. Just work on the stuff that's troubling you the most and then post this again. I bet it'd be great.

Hi,

Please don't think I'm flaming you, because I won't be unkind without reason. But you could improve this story hugely, so please accept constructive criticism.

Okay, get your capital letters in the right places, and check that your punctuation marks and spellings are always correct.

And try to slow your stories down. Add in a bit of description about the characters and the places, and don't be afraid wait a few chapters before the real action starts. It makes the story more believable and less confusing. Also, let us know in more detail what has happened before this story, so we understand the plot.

You can get beta readers on this site, or you could just check these things yourself. It doesn't take long!

I hope this helped. Please keep writing!

wonderfull up date soon.

uh

no offense but that was REALLY rushed

i like the ideas but it could of been better written

im not flaming

i still thought it waws good just ... rushed

]] yay jasperXbella

cool story.

Are thay relly dead right more more more

omg i love it usually not my fave pairing but i liked this story alot so update! or else i'll send emmet to strangle u ina bear hug! (well dat doesnt sound so bad now) U GET MY POINT UPDATE!

lol, great story! your becoming a great writer you know that!and for the friend thing I don't mind it at all but i guess it annoys you..and I can't wait for another chapter,you have a good story on your hands.!

OMC! I AM ALMOST CRYING! UPDATE SOON!

to upload chapters, go to ur account, click on documents, and where it says upload document, press browse and select the document u wanna upload and click enter... then go to stories, click on edit, and then on "properties/content" or something along those lines... and then it will say near the bottom, "add chapter", click the arrow and select the document u uploaded, and then click enter again... and there u go. ]

hope that makes sense... don't worry, i had the same problem when i 1st got an account, my cousin uploaded my chapters... but once u get used to it, it's really easy. ]