This is the best fan fiction for persona there is! great job staying in character. The story never lost its rhythm. loved it from beginning to end .

TTATT

OW. Wow. Even though I was expecting that it still hurt D:

Took me awhile to get how the then and now worked but once I got it, it was awesomeeee. Real interesting start up...

This is a really odd take on this story. A very unique way of story telling. I think you did a wonderful job.

MY HEART. MY SOUL.

DOWN THE DRAIN IT GOES.

This... is so twisted... and amazing. Oh, man... it felt so real. Like it could've actually happened, you know? It's very deep, and the insecurities and mysteries of human nature are explored and exploited here just as it was in the real game... and the abstract "then and now" style of writing really makes you try to think about what led Naoto to do what she did and how Kanji was handling it all...

You certainly are a wonderful writer (even in something old like this). I love your work.

how have i not previously read this? *looks at curiously*

have to say though, for something way old its not bad, and definitely your style, if a little jumbled :P

i like how you played it out, especially the adds to Naoto's personality taking the toll of having Izanami constantly breaking into her head, her constant references are good too, even her altered version of Mangetsu Izanagi... its all oddly delightful in that messed up noir scifi sorta way this awkwardly falls into...

yes yes ends kinda 'oh f*ck' but hey, you have that 'epilogue' up, and its partly why i read this, off to read that one now... if its anything like this i doubt i'll be disappointed :3

always a pleasure Zero...

Till next *salute-waves* Sayounara, Zero!

-Ikasury

I kinda wish I was as good with words as "Rayless Night" because she summed it up pretty good. :/ I dont think Im able to do that..

But your story was definitely interesting and I liked the changes..? Very good!

It's hard for me to swallow stories that can be fluffy and angsty at the same time, to many smiley-crying moments. This was very good and at the end I felt Kanji and Naoto's emotions clearly.

I really like this chapter - it underscores Naoto's role as emptiness, there's a lot of conflict. There are also a few little moments that let the reader realize there's still so much going on under the surface - Naoto's focus on Souji, the way she calmly holds Kanji's hand when he comes to get her (especially this show of affection when she seems to know exactly what's about to happen). Good reinterpretation of Izanagi - black and white.

My own theory: it was hint on Naoto's part, not a slip. (I like how this story is built for speculation.)

Scene 4/6 is another of my favorites of your KanNao moments. It's the understatement - the scene has the potential to be very angsty, and very sappy, and very cuddly, and it isn't. It's all there - pain, affection, contact - but it's summed up in relatively small gestures. The handholding is another good image, ties right in with the pocketwatch in the sequel. In all, even though Naoto is still fooling Kanji and not telling him what's most important, the scene is still very intimate: It's like there's a small corner of Naoto's mind where she's still allowed to love Kanji.

The fight with Naoto is very quick, but that feels like a good move. The real fight is emotional and has been getting plenty of space. The battle feels more like Naoto insisting on correct form than anything.

The ending's so heartbreaking. Like above, it's the small gestures and everything that isn't said - also the sadness of Naoto being so vulnerable and Kanji unable to help her. Awesome work.

Crit:

"and [lies] on his bed...but [lie] there listening"

It's so difficult to watch Kanji here. He's trying so hard to spin events in Naoto's favor, give her any benefit of any doubt, he's angry and scared - and he's still worrying because she doesn't take care of herself. Very irrational and very true to life.

Very much like the second section, about Souji - great foreshadowing there. Naoto's change is interesting, she seems more lighthearted - was it Kanji's influence, was she thinking that everything was finally over?

Naoto's new Shadow is such a contrast to her first one - deliberate and in control (but not). Great how the final section plays with that, the whole "I want a reason to stay" against "No, I don't think so." Naoto is in a much darker place than she ever was in-game, and having faced her Shadow beforehand seems to make it worse.

And now for a totally unexpected review for a fic that's been up for months. I seem to recall promising to review within its first week of being posted. And I have. I measure all things in geological time, so it's really been far less than a second since you first posted.

Great non-linear storytelling. The first read-through, it's very disorienting, but the reader can still follow the continuity, so it feels like just the right amount of confusion. It also plays well on the reader's pre-knowledge of game events, trying to shuffle things around in their head and make sense of everything.

I first read this months ago, but I still remember my initial impression of Naoto here: negative and uncertain. I felt like she was too empty - she had all the outward signs of Naoto, the reserve, the insecurity, etc - but I thought she lacked substance as a character. After rereading it (and reading the sequel several times), I think that Naoto's characterization no longer falls under my "Crit" heading at all - Naoto's done very well. She is empty, appropriately, but she holds onto enough of her personality to still be recognizable. It creates a tension between this Naoto and the in-game Naoto, what the reader sees versus what the reader knows (or wants) to be true. It's a really good move, because it's a conflict not for the other characters, but for the reader.

So yeah, it's really interesting watching Naoto in this, knowing what's going on under the surface, but also seeing her softer side with Kanji - there's a lot of subtlety here I didn't catch at first. Speaking of Kanji, the pocketwatch is a great plot device; I really like how you use it both here and in Counterbalance.

Good details, Naoto's new dungeon being a study. Magatsu-Inaba was exactly to Adachi's tastes, so it follows she'd be in surroundings she liked. Its devolution into corpses, black-white shapes and empty space fits well with her personality here, a sort of suppressed violence and unraveling. Given that it's happening to the Base, it feels like the anger is directed inward rather than outward (versus Adachi's dungeon ruining Inaba, not his own core).

The kiss is a real standout - the awkwardness for one thing - but it's both sweet and very very sad...and Kanji isn't aware of it. One of my favorite moments in all your KanNao writing.

Crit:

"but [she] and Yukiko are talking to Naoto...have [a/the]chance"

"he has [a/the] chance to think"

Excellent characterization. I love the way you worked this. I had always wondered what it would have been like if Naoto was the killer. Breaks my heart. Excellent emotion.

One tiny little thing though: the story is listed as being in Spanish. It definitely is in English. :)

Fantastic work.

-Ainmosni

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Well, Zero, there's little I can say about this that I haven't already said about your others. Your characterisation is excellent, your writing is excellent, and the way you've reworked the story is convincing to the last word. Great stuff.