A/N: First, I don't own Naruto.

Second, just to be clear, I have nothing whatsoever against self-insert fics. In fact, I love them. I'm a huge fan of them, and I like to think I'm one of the first ones to come up with the reincarnation-into-canon idea-or, at the very least, I'm proud of the fact that I came up with it on my own rather than getting it from reading other people's stories (see my FMA fic "re: SINHEART"). And I love that people are starting to get into the "reality" of the situation, priding themselves on avoiding Mary-Sue-ism, etc.

However, even I'm rather overwhelmed by this sudden wave of Naruto self-inserts, popularized by SilverQueen's hit "Dreaming of Sunshine," is getting just a little out of hand. I imagine that if all the people who'd been self-inserted into the canon inserted themselves into the same canon...this is what would ensue.

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Oh God, Not Another One

"Please, you don't understand, I have to see the Hokage!"

Ami Hoshitaka was having a mental breakdown.

On the surface, this would have been nothing special. She lived in a world where such things were common. Ninja broke down all the time, unsurprisingly, considering that the most advanced had to kill an average of two people a day and fill out the paperwork for it.

But there was something special about Ami. Something different. Something unusual.

First of all, she was five years old and not even in the Academy yet. Secondly, she was from another world.

More specifically, she was from a world where Naruto was nothing more than an anime and a manga, one she had enjoyed in her spare time. Then she had died by freak accident—struck by lightning, to be exact—and found that she was an ugly, wrinkly, squalling baby in the Konoha General Hospital, the daughter of Kaoru Hoshitaka (rice merchant) and Mizumi Hoshitaka (wife to a rice merchant).

Ami had tried to play it cool, she really had. After all, this was like her second chance at life, and she knew things people didn't—things that could make her a good ninja if she wanted to be one. She knew she was in a world of murderers and conspiracies and demons, but she also knew she could survive them if she tried her best to do so. She could also be Naruto's friend and Sasuke's confidante and a whole lot of other things. In any case she was stuck in the world, so she knew it was her duty to be self-sacrificing and make the best of it after a lot of angst and drama and dealing with the reality of her situation.

But suddenly, it was too much.

What had triggered the breakdown, you might ask?

She caught a glimpse of Naruto Uzumaki on the street.

Just that one glimpse of blond hair and blue eyes and sad, whiskered cheeks had made the reality of her situation hit home for her, and now she was here, in front of the Hokage's office—how she had gotten through the many ninja guarding the Tower was a mystery to her—begging entrance from the Chuunin resolved not to let in just anyone, much less precocious five-year-old children.

Said Chuunin looked very peeved. "Now, listen here, little girl—"

Suddenly, there was a chuckle from within the office. "Now, now, Kyoraku-kun, there's no harm in letting her in."

The Chuunin looked aghast. Ami was too relieved to look anything but wobbly. "But, Hokage-sama—"

"I've just finished with the paperwork and I have some time," the old man said, stepping outside. She stared at him with some awe. "Come on in, little girl—what is your name?"

"A-Ami, sir," she said, too stunned to do anything but follow him inside. The Chuunin frowned at her but closed the door behind her. "Hoshitaka Ami."

The Hokage took a seat behind his desk, smiling benignly. "And what was so important that you had to speak to the Hokage about it, Ami-chan?"

Oh, no. This was it. This was the moment of truth. She had to stay calm. She had to play it cool. She had to—

"I'm so sorry, Hokage-sama, I didn't mean to be so rude, I just, I have something really really really important to tell you and I've been freaking out about it and I can't take it anymore and oh my God I'm making such a mess of this you probably think I'm crazy but I'm really not and you need to hear this I promise I'm not a spy and please don't kill me—"

"Don't worry about it," the Hokage said kindly. "Now, what is it that ails you, my child?"

His smile made her feel a bit better, and she took a deep breath. "I know the future."

There was a very long and pregnant pause.

Then, to her utmost surprise, instead of demanding an explanation or calling for Inoichi Yamanaka or interrogating her about the future or all of the above, the Third Hokage put his head in his hands and groaned. Loudly. "Oh, God, not another one."

Ami blinked, feeling very confused. "Excuse me, sir?"

The Hokage sighed without looking up from his hands. "Ferret!"

"Yes, Hokage-sama?" An ANBU appeared, and Ami flinched. Were they going to drag her into T&I after all?

"Take her to the hospital. Ward 44. You know the drill." He paused. "Oh, and tell Kyoraku-kun there's no need to call for her parents." He'd signaled the Chuunin to do so as he led the little girl inside, but unfortunately, even finding her guardians would do her no good under the circumstances.

"Yes, Hokage-sama." Seemingly unperturbed by the strange order, the white-masked ninja scooped Ami up—not bridal-style, but thrown over the shoulder like a sack of potatoes, making her shriek indignantly—and Shunshin-ed away.

Sarutobi could feel a headache coming on. Ami Hoshitaka was not the first or, he could most unfortunately sense, the last to march into his office and declare herself a prophet. His medics had informed him that it appeared to be a mass delusion afflicting many members of the younger generation, and those affected—curiously all girls—were currently being confined in the hospital so as to avoid spreading the madness until a cure could be found.

Unfortunately, the illness seemed to be especially common among nobility, and he already had his hands full trying to explain to the Uchiha, Aburame, Hyuuga, and several minor clans why half of their children were now in quarantine. Even more worryingly, those afflicted appeared to be talented in the ninja arts but much less susceptible to Konoha's conditioning regimen—their psychologists reported a disturbing lack of will to fight, kill or even work hard at either—and there would be quite a generation gap in the ninja forces if this wasn't fixed soon.

The current cause was officially unknown, but Sarutobi wouldn't be Hokage if he didn't have an inkling of who was responsible. He knew at least one person who was infamous for both giving him a hard time and screwing with children's minds.

He and Danzo needed to have a long-overdue conversation sometime soon.

Meanwhile, Ami Hoshitaka stared. She had no idea what Ward 44 was, but it appeared to be a normal hospital ward, except that there were at least twenty other girls around her age sitting on the hospital beds, lounging on the ground, or trying to walk on the walls. The ANBU had forced her to go home and pack, much to the consternation of her Naruto-world parents who didn't have time to demand an explanation before the ANBU Shunshin-ed her away again and left her at the door. The ANBU guarding the ward had asked her some questions, taken her height, weight, and blood sample, and then shoved her inside.

When she walked in, the other girls all turned to stare back at her; it was highly unnerving.

"You, too?" one of them, a black-haired girl who Ami was fairly sure was an Uchiha, said after spotting her.

"What?" Ami said cluelessly.

"So how did you die?"

"Excuse me?"

"I was sixteen years old when I got caught in a car accident," the girl went on, completely unperturbed. In contrast, Ami was growing more and more confused by the second. "Then there's Junko, Hitomi, and Kana—" three of the other girls waved "—they died in car crashes too. We've got some girls who were murdered, a few industrial accidents, poverty and starvation, terminal illnesses, drowning—"

"Please don't tell me you committed suicide," one of the other girls cut in fervently. The red triangles on her cheeks marked her as an Inuzuka. "I'm so sick of those. They're all chipper when they find out they've got a second chance at life, and then they get all emo when they realize they were trying to die in the first place."

"Hey, watch it," snapped a brunette who was sitting in a corner.

"Er, I was struck by lightning," Ami said, starting to catch on. "You mean you're all—?"

"We all died and got reincarnated in the Naruto world, yeah," said the first girl. "Oh, I haven't introduced myself. I'm Noriko Uchiha, nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too," Ami said automatically. "But why are we all in here?"

"Oh, the Hokage thinks we're crazy," said Noriko. "He's got us all locked up so we don't 'infect' the rest of Konoha."

Ami's stomach sank. "But—"

"I know!" the Inuzuka girl nodded. "It's so stupid!"

"We have to do something," said a girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. A Yamanaka?

"We would, if we could actually agree on what to do," another girl with the characteristic white eyes of a Hyuuga shot back.

"I've been saying from the very beginning that we should just tell the Hokage everything we know and he'll realize we're not as nuts as he thinks we are," said the Yamanaka.

"No," one of the girls who'd been trying to walk up the right side wall said. She had no distinguishing features except some unusually thick eyebrows, and Ami refused to go where that observation was taking her. "We can't afford to change the future."

This raised an outcry from the left half of the room. "Then what's the point of us being here?!" Noriko snapped. "We're obviously here to change things and make them better!"

"Why don't you focus more on surviving?" the Hyuuga said coldly. "It's a cruel world out there. No electricity, no smartphones—"

One of the girls slumped on the floor gave a small whimper.

"—just a bunch of killers and warmongers," the Hyuuga finished, looking vindictive.

"You're just too scared to do anything, you coward," the Inuzuka snarled.

"No, we're smart," the girl with thick eyebrows said. "I don't know about you, but I'm just going to act normal until they let me go home."

The Inuzuka snorted. "'Home'? Just listen to you! You've gone native, idiot!"

"This isn't a war, moron. Like it or not, this is where we live now and we're not going back, so I'm going to make the best of it!" Thick-Brows Girl shot back.

"Do whatever you want, but I'm going to make a difference," said the Yamanaka, flipping her hair.

"No, you won't, if I have anything to say about it," another blonde cut in. The two glared at each other.

"And what do you think?" Noriko said to Ami, who'd been following the argument with a slowly dropping jaw. "Should we fix everything that's going to go wrong? Save all the lives we can? Make friends with Naruto—"

The left half of the room gave a shout of agreement.

"—or should we sit here and do nothing like a bunch of low-lives?" Noriko finished. It was clear which side she was on. The right half booed. The left half sneered. The arguing began again.

"Um," said Ami, as the arguments became insults and the insults became comebacks and the comebacks became punches and the punches became a chaotic dust cloud of five- and six-year-old girls, "I'm…not sure…"

"Just leave it," said the brunette from earlier, the one sitting in the corner. She was one of the only ones not fighting, and looked very tired. "Seriously, at this rate, we're going to be here until after the time skip."