Welcome to my profile. Feel free to browse.

Originally xAkatsukiEmoFlyx.

Name: Allyson

Age: 23 Capricorn

Height: 5'7"

Location: Colorado

Likes: Reviews, bad weather, sports, makeup, metal heads, tuncle.bungle, all kinds of music genres, dancing (Swing, Blues, and Argentinian Tango), reading, memes, trying new things, piercings, baby animals, rain drops on kitty whiskers, sleeping, eating, moshing through entire concerts, walls of death, circle pits, wrecking ball moshing, bullet belts, combat boots, band merch, and waving to people and them waving back

Dislikes: mental illness, negative people, purposefully ignorant people, writers block, losing motivation, people with a holier-than-thou attitude, bad chick flicks(from Lifetime or Halmark), assholes, and consistently shitty attitudes

WHERE I’VE BEEN THE PAST 7 YEARS SINCE 2012 AND IF I’M COMING BACK:

I dont know what happened, but for a while I stopped writing and fell out of interest in anime altogether. I’m starting to get back into it and remembered FanFiction was a thing and I might start writing again. I’ve got a job as a sushi chef currently, and I don’t have a lot of time on my hands so I can’t say how dedicated I’ll be to returning. HOWEVER, I’m not dead and may not have given up on writing entirely so take that for what it’s worth.

Now that all of that is out of the way, I hate my old writing style and possibly want to give it a whirl again. I’m kind of curious to see how much I’ve changed?

I’ll save the old chapters to my laptop and rewrite everything. I’m not comfortable with writing underage characters and lemons since I’ve done a bit of growing up myself since I’ve last written so maybe I’ll switch up ages and high school to college? And the Latvia aph fic from 16 to 18 for sure. I’ll have to see, guys.

Disclaimer:

I'd like to say that I do not own any copyrighted material and all of my stories are purely for creative writing purposes and reside under fair use policies and I receive no monetary gain.

Some old chains and get-to-know-you memes from 2012 that I may or may not delete later: (might just keep for nostalgia alone)

List your 10 favorite Naruto characters in no order and answer the following questions:

(I just had to do this)

1) Kisame (I love blue, gills, sharp teeth, and swordsmen.:D)

2) Zetsu (I love black, white, green, sharp teeth, and schitzophrenic plant men. :P)

3) Kakuzu (I love stitches, green/black eyes, and older guys. X))

4) Madara (Love the spiky hair, evil complex, red eyes, and older guys.)

5) Deidara (Love blondes with an art fetish, and blows shit up with the help of hand mouths ;))

6) Pervy Sage (HILARIOUS PERVERT MUCH? XDDD)

7) Tobi (So cute and secretly evil, and love guys with masks. Hot, mysterious much? ;P)

8) Sasori (Such a doll, and who doesn't love a redhead with an art fetish? ;))

9) Orochimaru (Can be creepy, or can be sexy. Possibly both?)

10) Tsunade (Too badass for words. I'd put Sakura if there were an eleventh. :3 )

What would you do if:

1) Number 1 woke you up in the middle of the night?

Kisame. Let's go get sushi.

2) Number 3 walked into the bathroom while you’re showering?

Zetsu. Dude(s), personal space please; look don't touch.

3) Number 4 announced they’re going to marry 9 tomorrow?

Madara and Orochimaru. I'd wish them luck if I didn't crack up first.
I'd probably want to attend so I could take pictures, and might ask which one of them would be the bride if I was feeling particularly suicidal.

4) Number 5 cooked you dinner?

Deidara. I hope you didn't spit in my food, but hey thanks, man.

5) Number 6 was lying next to you on the beach sleeping?

Pervy Sage. I'd move away in case of the chance that he'd try to do something in his sleep. Wouldn't you?

6) Number 7 suddenly confessed to be part of your family?

Tobi. Well, so much for mysterious and cute...

7) Number 8 got into the hospital somehow?

Sasori. I'd be like "What happened, man? Did you have a heart attack or something? Whatever, don't die or anything.",\.

8) Number 9 made fun of your friends?

Orochimaru. That bitch would. I'd beat him with a snakeskin belt.

9) Number 10 ignored you all the time?

Tsunade. I'd say "Why the hate, Tsunade? I thought we were cool. I would've put Sakura in the list if I could. You're both bad bitches."

10) Two serial killers are hunting you down. What will 1 do?

Kisame. Hopefully he wouldn't leave me for dead, and mayhaps shred those punks with Samehada. But he'd probably leave me for dead. *shrug*

11) You’re on a vacation with 2 and manage to break your leg. What does 2 do?

Zetsu. He'd try and take advantage of my jacked up state and try to eat me. I'd try to talk him out of killing me be making a deal saying
"If the leg is useless, then I'll have it amputated, and you can have that." If he agreed, then I'd try to hobble away when he wasn't looking and try not to leave a blood trail.

12) It’s your birthday. What will 3 give you?

Kakuzu. He'd probably give me a piece of string or something like that. Something cheap that he found on a floor somewhere. Like lint or a dust bunny.
I'd tell him that it was the thought that counts, and regift it to him on his birthday.

13) You’re stuck in a house that’s on fire. What does 4 do?

Madara. He would be the one who locked me in a closet, and lit the house on fire.
Meanwhile he'd be chuckling menacingly while walking away dramatically from the scene as the hose explodes from behind him like the frigid little bitch he is.

14) You’re about to do something that’ll make you feel extremely embarrassed. What will 5 do?

Deidara. I'd probably have the munchies and eat like a garbage truck. Dei would be mad cause I ate all the good stuff.

15) You’re about to marry number 10. What’s 1’s reaction?

Tsunade and Kisame. Kisame would probably say "Woah, I didn't know you rolled that way. Uh, congrats?" I'd be like "I didn't either, but hey, could be worse. Coulda married you." (Ooooh, buuuuurn.)

16) You got dumped by someone. How will 7 cheer you up?

Tobi. He'd be all "Tobi is so sorry! Tobi thinks that guy is a bad boy, and should be punished!
You are a good girl, and Tobi will hug you until it's all better because Tobi is a good boy!!" I wish.
Pshhh, I could sooo see that happening though, couldn't you if you were in that situation?

17) You compete in a tournament. How does 9 support you?

Orochimaru. Hmm.. Good question. I don't know, maybe he'd wish me luck, and then help me by secretly sabotaging the other contestants.

18) You can’t stop laughing. What will 10 do?

Tsunade. She'd probably join me if she overdid it on sake.

19) Number 1 is all you’ve ever dreamed of. Why?

Kisame. HE'S BLUE! Best color ever! Plus, sharp teeth are p rad.

20) Number 2 tells you about their deeply hidden love for number 9.

Zetsu and Orochimaru. I'd be like" Dude no way! Apparently he's already married to Madara, but I love ya if that's any consolation!"

21) You’re dating 3 and they introduce you to their parents. Would you get along?

Kakuzu. They're still alive? I don't know if they'd appreciate the age difference...

22) Number 4 loves number 9 as well. What does that mean?

Madara and Orochimaru. Well, I guess it's a good thing that they are getting married then...

23) Will number 5 and 6 ever kiss?

Deidara and Pervy Sage. If they did Deidara would be drunk or high, and Pervy Sage wold have accidentally thought Dei was a girl.
Or it would be a hilarious yet awkweird mishap.

24) Number 6 appears to be a player, breaking many hearts. What do you do?

Pervy Sage. Yeah, maybe to him! Hahahahahaha! Laughing my ass off. xD

25) You had your hair done (Dyed or cut) and 7 can’t stop looking at you. What goes on in your mind?

Tobi. I'd wonder if it's a good thing or a bad thing and ask him which one it is. "Does my hair look like crap, Tobi?" "Tobi is a good boy!" Thought so...

26) Number 8 thinks he’ll never get a girl/boyfriend. What will you tell him?

Sasori. I'd let him know that I happen to like red heads...

27) Number 9 is too shy to face you and confesses their love by sending an e-mail. Now what?

Orochimaru. I'd let him know that I was flattered but would've preferred if he told me to my face.

28) You spot 10 kissing 1. How do you react?

Tsunade and Kisame. I think I just found a new pairing to ship.

29) You notice that 3 and 4 have been inside that hotel room for MORE then a few hours. What are you thinking?

Kakuzu and Madara. Oh ho ho ho ho... what do we have here? I''d have to sneak through the air vents to confirm if my hunch was true.

30) Could 1 and 6 be soulmates?

Kisame and Pervy Sage. Yeah, if kittens decided to fly out of Itachi's sharingan, and Madara had a goldfish named Snappy.
Found an idea for a crack story. *light bulb*

31) Would 2 trust 5?

Zetsu and Deidara. Yeah, maybe.

32) Number 4 is bored and pokes 10. What happens after that?

Madara and Tsunade. I think I'd love to see what would actually happen, but she might punch Madara across the room. Just an uneventful guess, really.

33) 5 and 1 are forced to go back to school together. What study will they pick?

Deidara and Kisame. Well, Deidara would choose art class, and Kisame would pick swim team or gym.

34) If 6 and 3 cooked dinner, what would they make?

Pervy Sage and Kakuzu. Something cheap. Maybe a box of macaroni. I dunno.. I don't think they could cook anything much more complicated.

35) 7 and 9 apply for a job. What job?

Tobi and Orochimaru. Lawyers. Or Cops. Now THAT I'd like to see.

36) 8 gives 5 a haircut. Is that okay?

Sasori and Deidara. Hm, maybe. He seems to have his puppets with decent hair. Maybe he'd retaliate against Dei and fuck his hair up on purpose! Hahahahaa!

37) What 6’s perfect girl/boyfriend should look like; will 6 be happy?

Pervy Sage. Any underage girl with huge tits, thin waist, and a giant ass and libido to match. Yeah, he'd be happy and on his way to prison hopefully.

38) 10 and 9 are blushing while they talk. What is their conversation about?

Tsunade and Orochimaru. They'd probably be talking about something embarrassing that Pervy Sage did.

39) 1 accidentally kicked 10.

Kisame and Tsunade. Not a happy Tsunade. Run, Kisame. Run like you on fire.

40) 2 sent a message to their bf/gf but 9 got it. What would happen?

Zetsu and Orochimaru. Orochimaru: "Oh, baby I love you too... ;)" Zetsu:"Oh...My...God... Wrong fucking number."
Orochimaru:"Fuck." Me:"Hellooo! You there Zetsu?" xD

41) 5 and 6 did a workout together.

Deidara and Pervy Sage. That'd be fucking weird.

42) 6 noticed they weren’t invited to your birthday?

Pervy Sage. "Why didn't you invite me to your party?" "Because I didn't want to be preyed on!" "But everybody loves birthday sex!"
"Like I said. I didn't feel like being attacked on my b-day. Cake is way better."

43) 7 won the lottery.

Tobi. He'd buy candy. Just candy. Like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. I'd ask him if he'd let me move in. c:

44) 8 had quite a big secret.

Sasori. TELL MEEEEEE!!!! I won't tell anyone!!! I've got to know!!! What in the hell is your SSSSSEEEEECCCCRRRREEEETTTTT??? I'll give you some shit on Dei if you spill it.

45) 9 became a singer.

Orochimaru. And Michael Jackson is back from the dead everybody!

46) 10 got a daughter.

Tsunade. So, you finally decided to adopt Sakura, huh?

47) What would 1 think of 2?

Kisame and Zetsu. I wonder if we have the same dentist...

48) How would 3 greet 4?

Kakuzu and Madara. Can I go out for a bounty, boss?

49) What would 4 envy about 5?

Madara and Deidara. Deidara can totally pull off wearing guyliner. I bet Madara would look like a complete bitch tbh...

50)What dream would 5 have about 6?

Deidara and Pervy Sage. A nightmare. About working out with him.

51) What do 6 and 7 have in common?

Pervy Sage and Tobi. They're both questionably... questionable.

52) What would make 7 angry at 8?

Tobi and Sasori. Don't be mean to my Senpai, Sasori-san!

53) Where would 8 meet 9?

Sasori and Orochimaru. At a bridge by coincidence.

54) What would 9 never dare to tell 10?

Orochimaru and Tsunade. "I want to have your babies!"

55) What would make 10 scared of 2?

Tsunade and Kisame. I kidnapped Sakura, and plan to eat her with favah beans and a fine ciante.
(Okay, so I don't know how to spell either word, but I love that line! :/)

Pein/Pain - Nagato

[x] -I am the leader/boss of a group, club, friends etc.

[x] -I have a piercing/s.

[ ] - My natural hair colour is red, ginger or auburn.

[x] -My eyes are grey/gray.

[ ] -My closest friend is a girl.

[ ] - I'm a very secretive person.

[x] - I like it when it rains.

[Pein/Pain - Nagato Score: 4]

Konan

[x] - Most of my friends are guys.

[ ] - Origami RULES!

[ ] - I know how to make atleast over 5 different origami objects.

[x] - I love flowers!

[x] - Your closest friend is a guy.

[x] - I don't like having my photo taken.

[ ] - I don't like water. Swimming etc.

[Konan Score: 4]

Itachi Uchiha

[x] - My younger sibling/s bother/s me a lot.

[x] -Many people find me attractive.

[x] - I'm quiet and very mature for my age.

[ ] - I don't actually like fighting though I can fight.

[x] - I don't care what you think, Kisame is cool.

[x] - I'm the top of my class. Intelligence.

[ ] - My natural hair colour is black.

[Itachi Uchiha Score: [5]

Kisame Hoshigaki

[x] - Sharks are AWESOME!

[x] - I like gore :3

[x] - I dislike my own appearance. .. I'm self conscious

[x] - Underwater in the ocean is a beautiful scenery.

[x] - Once someone gets to know me, I'm a pretty nice person.

[ ] - I'm the tallest of my friends who are the same gender.

[x] - I like water sports.

[Kisame Hoshigaki Score: 6]

Sasori

[ ] - I look young for my age.

[ ] - Puppets are fascinating...

[x] - I'm very impatient.

[ ] - I hate that bitch, Sakura Haruno.

[ ] - My Grandma annoys me.

[x] - I'm the smallest of my friends.

[ ] - Loud noises/people annoy me.

[Sasori Score: 2]

Deidara

[x] - I'm an artist.

[x] - I like and appreciate art.

[x] - My natural hair colour is blonde/dirty blonde.

[x] - I have blue eyes.

[x]- I'm the youngest in my group of friends.

[ ] - I hate Tobi.

[ ]- I have a friend who hangs around and annoys me.

[Deidara Score: 5]

Kakuzu

[x] - I'm a saver, not a spender.

[ ] - My eyes are either green or hazel.

[x] - I have had stitches. (37 total)

[ ] - I hate Hidan.

[x] - Younger people tend to tick me off.

[ ] - I am the oldest in my group of friends.

[ ] - My skin is dark or tanned.

[Kakuzu Score: 3]

Hidan

[x] - I have a cussing/swearing problem.

[ ] - I hate Kakuzu.

[x] - I hate so many people and hate them so much, that I probably have my own hit-list.

[x] - I am religious.

[X] - I am very strong-willed.

[x] - I have cut myself on purpose before.

[x] - I'm very prone to accidents.

[Hidan Score: 6]

Zetsu

[x] - I have a split personality. Two sides.

[x] - Nature is AWESOME!

[x] - I'm usually alone.

[x] - I don't mind the company of others.

[x] - I don't have many friends.

[x] - Tobi is not that bad.

[x] - I WON'T eat the veggies! Meat all the way, man!

[Zetsu Score: 7]

Tobi

[ ] - I'm always hyperactive.

[x] - I have a particular person who I like to pester.

[ ] - People often mistake me for someone else or say I look like someone.

[x] - I LOVE the colour orange.

[ ] - I'm rarely sad and always optimistic.

[x] - TOBI IS A GOOD BOY! :D

[Tobi Score: 3]

Orochimaru

[ ] - I'm attracted to younger people.

[x] - I have a very pale skin color.

[x] - Snakes are AWESOME!

[ ] - I love/like Sasuke Uchiha.

[x] - Micheal Jackson is AWESOME!

[x] - I'm very motivated, nothing will stop me from reaching my goals.

[ ] - People think I'm twisted or insane.

[Orochimaru Score: 4]

Haha 49 points out of 75, and I'm most like Zetsu

NARUTO BIRTHDAYS (Damn, none on my b-day. D; ) *Gotta Add Akatsuki*

January
01 - Gai
02 - Iwashi
04 - Haku
08 - Hiashi & Hizashi
19 - Gaara
23 - Shino
24 - Yamanaka Inoichi (Ino's Dad)
25 - Yondaime

February
08 - Sarutobi
10 - Obito Uchiha
11 - Sigure
21 - Yoroi
24 - Nara Shikaku (Shikamaru's Dad)
29 - Kabuto

March
08 - Ebisu
09 - Tenten
18 - Kisame
20 - Ibiki
27 - Hanabi
28 - Sakura
29 - Kazekage

April
02 - Cloud Ninja Leader
03 - Udon
04 - Gatoh & Tonbo
05 - Tazuna
06 - Waraji
22 - Choaza

May
01 - Chouji
04 - Tsunami
05- Deidara
07 - Midare

08 - Homura
15 - Kankurou
26 - Iruka
30 - Baiu

June
06 - Gouzu & Meizu
08 - Moegi
09 - Itachi
11 - Kurenai
12 - Dosu

July
03 - Neji
04 - Baki
06 - Kin
07 - Akamaru & Kiba
17 - Gemma
21 - Kotetsu
23 - Sasuke

August
02- Tsunade
09 - Nawaki
15 -Zabuza
16 - Fugaku
21 - Kaiza
23 - Temari
28 - Raidou

September
01 - Koharu
03 - Aoba
14 - Zaku
15 - Kakashi
15 - Obito
22 - Shikamaru
23 - Ino

October
10 - Naruto
18 - Asuma
19 - Suzume
21 - Mizuki
24 - Anko
27 - Orochimaru

November
02 - Hayate
05 - Wind Country Lord
11 - Jiraiya
15 - Mubi & Rin
16 - Kagari
25 - Izumo
27 - Rock Lee
30 - Misumi

December
01 - Zouri
04 - Dan (Tsunade's Boyfriend)
20 - Oboro
24 - Madam Shizimi
25 - Inari
27 - Hinata
30 - Konohamaru

I LOVE ZETSU!!!- If you're a Zetsu fangirl/boy, copy this onto your profile and add your name. Clumsy0132, shestoocoldtoshiver

Favorite Quotes:

"What I'm thinking about right now involves a machete and a pair of pliers."

"The problem here is...you're talking in math...and I'm listening in stupid.""

"Luke...i am your father's mother's, brother's, sister's, cousin's, half sister's, nephew's,...ex room-mate."

"You are so gay! You big parfait you flaming one man cabaray!!"

"Hello!! I am your femur! Consider yourself fucked!"

"To die would be a great adventure"

"I swear, if you say my mother is hot I will puncture you like a juicebox."

"Wanna get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait."

"Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid."

"I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter A"."if i spy your little eye staring at my A i'll squish it!

"thats it smurf your ass is grass''

"Whoever came up with the saying 'when life gives you lemons just make lemonade' deserves to have said lemon shoved up their ass!"

"You Trippen". "Nigga You Fallen And Cant Get Up."

'No trespassing, violators will be shot and survivors will be shot again.'

'It takes 47 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to sit there with a dumb look on your face.'

'He who laughs last thinks the slowest.'

'My imaginary friend thinks you have mental problems.'

'I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.'

'If you are reading this then step 1 of my EVIL PLAN is complete.'

'Truth is always stranger then fiction.'

'I like the insanity but stop the stupidity!'

'english, motherfucker, do you speak it?'

'Those that say 'Those that say nothing's impossible never tried to slam a revolving door' obviously have never slammed a revolving door into someone or something- 'ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.'

'Order is for the stupid, true geniuses live in chaos.'

'In the end, the world as we know it doesn't exist.'

'This is not something to be tossed aside lightly... It should be thrown with great force!'

'Those who live by the sword get shot by those that don't.'

'Never knock on Deaths door- ring the doorbell and run away! He really hates that!'

'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party!'

'Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

'LOOK MA, NO BRAIN!

'It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

'Suicide is a way of telling God, "YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I QUIT!"

'Death is a way of God telling you not to be a wise guy.

'If at first you don't succeed, then destroy all evidence that you tried.

'That which doesn't kill you will probably try again.

'It's tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?

'If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

'I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

'Evening news is where they tell you 'good evening' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

'Join the army! Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them!

'Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

'Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

'Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

'Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids.

'They didn't let me out, they just gave me a day pass!

'There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.

'A day without sunshine is like... night.

'According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

'All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.

'BAD COP! NO DONUTS!

'Confucius say: "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot!"

'Gravity is a myth: the Earth sucks.

'I have the Body of a god...Buddha...

'It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt... Then it's hilarious!

'I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

'A good friend will come and bail you out of jail… but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying “Damn… That was fun!”

'333 I’m only half evil!

'I don’t have a drinking problem! I get drunk, I pass out no problem.

'Yesterday is another country, borders are now closed.

'Spoon!

'Right now I've got amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before...

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to go for the one I've never tried before.

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

"Be kind to your offspring. They get to choose your nursing home.

"Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

"Cancer cures smoking

"Constipated people don't give a crap.

"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

"Do old men wear boxers or briefs? - Depends.

"Don't steal. The government hates the competition.

"Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

"I almost had a psychic lover, but they left me before we met.

"I bet you $50 I can stop gambling.

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian.

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of food?

"Vegetarians taste better.

"I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to.

"So many people...so few comets.

"Comfort the disturbed. Disturb the comforted.

"A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

"You non-conformists are all alike.

"Love: Two vowels, two consonants, two fools.

"Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

"Pride is what we have. Pity is what others have.

"Forget about world peace . . . visualize using your turn signal.

"Sex is like pizza, when it's bad it's still kinda good.

"Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

"We have enough youth! How about a fountain of intelligence?

"Jesus loves you! But everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

"Spandex: A privilege, not a right.

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

"At a nudist wedding everyone can see who the best man is.

"Caution: I know karate...and six other Chinese words.

"Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.

"Never visit a doctor who can't keep her office plants alive.

"Dyslexics of the world untie!

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

"Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

"We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

"Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

"The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.

"Follow your dream! (Unless it's the one where you're at work only wearing underwear during a fire drill.)

"Forecast for tonight: dark.

"I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.

"I don't get even, I get odder.

"If marriage was outlawed only outlaws would have in-laws.

"If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies.

"Don't drink and park. Accidents cause people.

"If your nose runs and your feet smell you were probably built upside down.

"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

"Auntie Em: Hate you; hate Kansas, taking the dog."

"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself!

"In just two days tomorrow will be yesterday.

"Last night I played a blank tape full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

"I'm not broke I'm just having an out of money experience.

"My inferiority complex is not nearly as good as yours.

"Ignoring bullshit is wrong. Bullshit makes the flowers grow, and that's beautiful.

"If you can't baffle them with brilliance, befuddle them with bullshit.

"People will believe anything if you whisper it.

"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good

"If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough.

"Quantum Mechanics: the stuff dreams are made of.

"Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

"24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?

"If you choke a Smurf (or Kisame) what color does it turn?

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

"Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

"For Sale: Parachute. Only used once. Never opened. Small stain

"OK, so what's the speed of dark'?

"Black holes are where God divided by zero.

"I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

"Someday we'll look back on all this, and plow into a parked car.

"Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

"Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

"Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing him/her again.

"I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

"On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

"Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

"If you're going to do something wrong, have fun doing it.

"You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP

"A true friend stabs you in the front.

"Cry me a river, build a bridge, and jump off it.

"I take a simple view of living. It is to keep your eyes open and get on with it.

"You can't say that civilization doesn't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.

"To some, death may be a blessing, to others, a vice. Me? I think death is a necessity.

"They condemn what they do not understand

"There are a few ways to silence the screams. Bullets happen to be one of the more efficient methods.

"Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother@#?!&! upside the head. Pass it on.

"What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?"

I hate when you're hungry and ur friend says "i feel like chicken tonight". look it's nice to know u don't feel human but im hungry no help me decide damnit

Forty-Six laws of Anime:

Originally compiled and edited by Darrin Bright and Ryan Shellito

1. Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.

2. Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

3. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

4. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.

5. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.

6. Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'.
Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

7. First Law of Temporal Mortality
'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming,
OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society,
human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.

8. Second Law of Temporal Mortality
It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming,
it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

9. Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).

10, Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.

11. Law of Inherent Combustability
Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary - Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science.
Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".

12. Law of Phlogistatic Emission
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

13. Law of Energetic Emission
There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire.
Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustability.

14. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly proportional to its size.
First Corollary - Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also know as the A-Ko phenomenon.

15. Law of Inexhaustability
No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.

16. Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases.
The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect)
Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys'
firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows,
allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or
arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons,z
operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.

17. Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo.

18. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.

19. Law of Demonic Consistency
Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown (but black is not unknown),
and can only be hurt by bladed weapons.

20. Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated
with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.

21. Law of Tactical Unreliability
Tactical geniuses aren't...

22. Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things... Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.

23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.

24. Law of Americanthropomorphism
Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'.
First Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators.
(Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect.)

Second Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.

25. Law of Mandibular Proportionality
The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.

26. Law of Feline Mutation
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
a) be female
b) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation
c)and wear as little clothing as possible, if any.

27. Law of Conservation of Firepower
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.

28. Law of Technological User-Benevolence
The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.

29. Law of Melee Luminescence
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura.
This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

30. Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism
All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

31. Law of Follicular Chroma Variability
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.

32. Law of Follicular Permanence
Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse,
or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!

33. Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
ANY shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.

34. Law of Probable Attire
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
--Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate.
Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).

--Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm
clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.

35. Law of Musical Omnipotence
Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things
like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on... especially if they have never attempted these things before.

36. Law of Quitupular Aggultination
Also called "The Five-man Rule," when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:

a) The Hero/Leader
b) His girlfriend
c) His Best Friend/Rival
d) A Hulking Brute
e) A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
--Extreme Coolness
--Amazing intelligence
--Incredible Irritation

37. Law of Extradimensional Capacitance
All anime females have an extradimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly
retrieve any object at a moment's notice.
First Corollary (The Hammer Rule) - The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on
any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.

38. Law of Hydrostatic Emission
Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at
high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest
that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only
have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland
exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.

39. Law of Inverse Attraction
Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful.
The more you want, the less you get.
First Corollary Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world...

40. Law of Nasal Sanguination
When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though...
the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above).
Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.

41. Law of Xylolaceration
Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.

42. Law of Juvenile Omnipotence
Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.

43. Law of Quadrotriscadecophobia
There is no Law #43.

44. Law of Nominative Clamovocation
The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.

45. Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis
Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.

46. Law of Flimsy Incognition
Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.

N E J I T E N T E N 4 L Y F

10 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING A GIRL

10. We can wear guy clothes, but if they wear ours they get funny looks

9. At least one girl always survives in horror movies

8. We can put cotton between our toes and paint our nails without feeling the least bit silly

7. Our magazines have horiscopes

6. Girls with guy first names like Taylor sound cool, but it doesn't work the other way around

5. Our friends don't say "hi" but punching us in the arm

4. Yes PMS sucks, but at least we have an excuse to lay around eating chocolate once a month

3. Make-up covers any imperfections we may have

2. If we flirt with a cop, we can get out of a speeding ticket

1. Girl Talk... you know, the way we all just understand each other without having to explain a thing

If you have ever asked someone to repeat a question because you didn't understand it, then did it again just to annoy them, copy and paste this into
your profile and add your name after mine! SeverusHermione, Paligirl101

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an
unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student;
but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and
was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized
he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Random Messages on Answering Machines

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head
The roses stink, sorta like sheep
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Heaven, God speaking...

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Pyshcology Finals

A psychology professor at the University of Miami knew his students expected a terrifyingly long final exam.

To play with their minds a little (what do you expect from a psychology professor?) he only put ONE question on the final exam.

He watched the reactions of the students as they all opened the exams and saw the one question.

Initially they all looked relieved, but as the difficulty of the question began to sink in, those relieved faces sagged to confusion and consternation.

All, that is, except for one student.

He read the question, tapped his pencil into his palm a few times, then jotted something down on the test paper.

He walked up to the professor, handed him the final, and walked out.

The professor blinked in surprise, looked at what the student wrote, and smiled.

The professor wrote "100" on the top of that student's test.

The question: What is courage?

The student's answer: This is.

-DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Work vs Prison

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

21 Things to do at Wal-Mart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera; & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "GO,PIKACHU, GO!"

17. Challenge people to duels in the back aisles with wrapping paper tubes.

18. Have a conversation with yourself loud enough so that people in the other aisles can hear you.

19. Throw things over one aisle into another one.

20. Mark out price tags with a sharpie.

21. Go up to random people and say "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!" ect. and see if they respond to save themselves from embarrassment...

Female Combacks (funny!)

Man: Have I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes that's why I don't go there anymore

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u next to i

Woman: Really? I'd put f and u together.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes and this one will be if you sit down

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours and I go to mine.

Man: Hey baby, whats your sign?

Woman: Do not enter

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Hiding from you

Man: If I could see you naked I'd die happy

Woman: If I saw you naked I'd die laughing

Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized

Olny srmat poelpe can raed this.

cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if
you can raed this psas it on !!
P.S. If it takes you more than 16 seconds to read this then you're not smart (I read it in 10 seconds!)

Put this on your
page if you love
Naruto!

(·.·).I.(·.·)
(·.··. .·;Love·..··.·)
·..· Akastuki ·.
·.(· Forever·)..·.• •..• •..• •..•

AKASTUKI_RULES_ _

- Show quoted text -

-Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky and yell "Storms Suck"

-You say psycho like it's a bad thing!

-Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

-When life gives you lemons, make apple juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it

-When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand chocolate

-When life gives you lemons, throw them at the mean people and hope it gets them in the eyes

-If at first you don't succeed, burn all the evidence that you tried

-The only reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answer I accept

-Last night I was looking up at the stars when suddenly I wondered, "Dude, where the heck's my ceiling?"

-Cheese will rule do not deny the truth

-Everyday I think people can't get any stupider. Everyday I am proven horribly wrong

-All sane people who worked here quit

-Everything is funny as long as it's happening to some one else

-One by one penguins steal my sanity, but since when have I been sane

-I've been given sugar. Please use this time to prepare for the end of the world

-What you call stupidity, I call selective understanding

-It is better to dwell in the wilderness than with contentious and angry women

-A vase is basically a flower torture device; you rip it from its home, put it in a small container and watch it die slowly

-I will temporarily rule the world, forever

-One bright day in the middle of the night two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.
Then a deaf policeman heard the noise and drew his gun and stabbed the boys. If you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.
And if you don't believe the blind, ask the deaf he heard it fine.

-If you don't like the way I drive stay off the sidewalk!

-A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Dear Jael,
I don't really know how to tell you this, but our socks dont match. I think I realized it when When I quoted Forrest Gump At the mental hospital and I saw
you drive over my kneecaps. I'm sure you're high enough to understand that I'm allergic to your earlobes. I'm returning Our matching snoopy underwear
to you, but I'll keep Your neighbors gorilla as a memory. You should also know that I Always wanted to break your legs (lol jk) and you ruined my attempts
at another world war.
Go Milk A Cow,
Allyson

This Is How I Did It!

Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don't really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning
(8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).
(12)

1) What's the color of your shirt?

Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - The rainbow hedgehogs want to destroy you
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - I'm joining the Convent
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?

January - When I quoted Forrest Gump
February - That night you picked your nose
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you smacked my ass
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear

3) Which food do you prefer?

Tacos - In your apartment
Chicken- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Seafood - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?

Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?

Black - My knee caps
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadiens' goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My boyfriend
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your "My Little Pony" collection
Other --The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?

One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Annat -shamed
House- Sterile

7) Your mood right now?

Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?

White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your _

9) The first letter of your first name?

A/B - Your neighbors gorilla
C/D - Your photo with the moustache drawn on it
E/F - Your virginity
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?

A/B - Get sick when I think of your feet
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorites that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs
S/T - Love your sweet, sweet ass
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?

Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I love Oprah
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I'm scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war.
Snapple/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked out
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?

Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Best of luck on the sex change
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England - Go drown yourself
Italy - Please, don't lick my inner thighs anymore

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon' --Chris Rock

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Coca Cola went to town. Diet Pepsi shot him down. Dr. Pepper fixed him up. Now we're drinking 7up. 7up got the flu. Now we're drinkin Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew fell down the mountain. Now we're drinking from a fountain. Fountain broke. People choke. Now we're back to drinking coke. ;)

"Dude she just called you lazy! - Whatever..."

"Dude, she called you posh!" "Oh I beg to differ! Jeffery, hold my tophat and my stick with which I beat the peasants..."

Boy: I can make u say blue Girl: No, you can't Boy: Then answer me, what's the colour of the sun? Girl: Yellow Boy: What colour is my shirt? Girl: Gree
n Boy: See? I told you I could make you say green Girl: No! You said you can make me say blue! Boy: HAHA THERE YOU GO I MADE U SAY BLUE :D

DUDE, SHE JUST CALLED YOU DEAF "WHAT!?" SHE CALLED YOU DEAF "WHAT!?" SHE CALLED YOU DEAF! "OH HELL NO, MY NAMES NOT BETH!"

Reasons why I don't open the curtain and look out the window at night: 6% I'm afraid of the dark. 94% I'm afraid someone will be lying against the
window looking at me.\

I got a card today saying 'Happy Valentine's Day love, from you know who'. Why the fuck is Lord Voldemort sending me letters?

Man: DOCTOR! Help me! I accidentally ate the "DO NOT EAT" packet from my shoebox. Will I die ? Doctor: Well, everyone dies eventually , so ...
Man: EVERYONE WILL DIE?! OH LORD, WHAT HAVE I DONE ?

Last night I was laying in my bed looking up at the stars thinking to myself "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ROOF?!"

"Dude, she called you awkward." ... "OH HELL NO, hold my turtle!"

I hate it when I'm making a milkshake and boys just show up in my yard

Giving drivers the "I dare you to hit me" look when crossing the road.,

"It's because I'm black isn't it?" "Dude, you're white."

When you hit your hip on a counter and you feel like you just got shot.

"Did you just..." "No." "But I just saw you..." "No."

fffffffffuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkkkk. that wasn't supposed to happen.

I remember when "party" meant birthday party, not drunken whore-fest.

Can I... No ... Please... .No... But...No...Cmon!...Okay...Really?...No... Dawh :(... haha

OK I Swear I Just Heard Someone Say My Name!

Can you stop talking? Because everything you say makes me want to harm you

theres a fine line between tan, and looking like you rolled in doritos

, how did they get that car in the mall...??

Responding to texts while half asleep, then realizing you made no sense.

if you tickle my feet i am not responsible for what happens to your face.

, Laughing harder when you try to explain WHY you're laughing hard

2 Wrongs Dont Make a Right...But shiiit, 2 Negatives Make a Positive.. =)

Say 'Alpha' and 'Q', repeat fast. join if you get it ;)

save a plant. eat a vegitarian ;D

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them,
so you will have the element of surprise.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!"... well, swine flu

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.

Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter"

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time

Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

I'll be Burger King,you be Mc'Donalds: I'll do it my way -- and you'll be loving it ;)

I called your boyfriend gay & he hit me with his purse

Weight loss tip : Getting your butt off the couch and standing does not mean your lifting weights

if you're jogging down a road & you hear clapping behind you but no ones there- it's your ass telling you its time to lose weight!

I was bringing sexy back, but lost the receipt.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Says "Please do not disturb, I'm already quite disturbed."

Please note: before you choose to piss me off, I suffer from mental illness so could easily kill you and plead insanity. Have a nice day :)

You: Mom, I'm home! ...Mom: Did you get home safely? ...You: No. I got shot 8 times,murdered 6 times, & died twice !!

When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you possibly do thats longer?

I bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces :-)

Rearrange these words: 1) PNEIS 2) HTIELRS 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE...Did you read: Spine, slither, ginger and subtext?IF NOT, then you are Naughty Naughty ;)

It's about time we, as a sophisticated society, start getting birds to wear diapers.

ALL restaurants are drive-thru ... if you drive hard enough !! ;)

Why don't medicines have any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness." !! ;))

BREAKING NEWS: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get the Hell Over It.
Any complaints about how we operate, can be forwarded to 1-800-waa-waaah with Dr. Sniffle Reporting LIVE from Quitchur Bitchin'. If you like this, repost it. If you don't...suck it up sunshine! Life doesn't revolve around you

I won't be impressed with science until I can download a waffle.

don't you hate it when you're texting and laying on your back and your phone decides to be a ninja, slips through your fingers, and attacks your face!

Says to you: Roses are red, violets are blue, when god gave us brains, where the &%!# were you?

You know you're too drunk to drive when you wait at a stop sign for 15 minutes waiting for it to turn green...whoaaa

When your teacher says "get out", it means you've won the argument ;)

Guy:God, how long is a million years to you?God:A minute.Guy:How much is a million dollars to you?God:A penny...Guy:Can I have a pennyGod: In a minute...

Changed all my passwords to “incorrect” . So my computer just tells me when I forget.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss

Alcohol does NOT make you fat… it makes you lean… against tables, chairs, walls, floors, and ….Ugly people!!!

If a walkie talkie is called a walkie talkie because you walk and you talk, shouldn't a vaccum be called a pushy sucky..?

One of my favorite things in the world is to to "like" a person's depressing status on Facebook *insert evil laugh here*

This sentence is sure to make u laugh.. Giv it a thought.. The first man who discovered Milk, whoever he is, wat the hell was he tryin to do wit the cow?? (;

Are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

How many times do i have to say "excuse me" before "GET THE F*K OUT OF MY WAY" becomes acceptable?

when you have fat friends, there is no such thing as seesaw.. only catapults

I'm sweating like a pregnant nun at confession

Hi! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a spider. And I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you ever could ;)

b: did it hurt? g: did what hurt? b: when you fell from- g: heaven?awwwww b: no, when you fell from the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down? g: ...*turns around* b: ow... it looks like you landed on your face g: ...

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest"

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you think you might have heard is not exactly what I might have meant.”

hit your little toe against a table.. At age 7: ''ohhhhh oww''At age 10: ''ahhhhhhh stupid table''Age 13: ''SHIT!!!!''Age 16: ''You stupid motherf*ing b*tch a$$ piece of sh*t!!!'' (breaks table)

Remember, when someone annoy's you it take 42 different muscles to frown.BUT..It only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and B*TCH SLAP that mother f*ck*r upside the head

what do you doif you see your ex , running around in your front yardcovered in blood and screaming for help ?stay calm . reload . and try again

wake up in the middle of the night to pee:
avoid all mirrors
airplane engine makes a sudden noise:
i lived a good life
hear thumps while in shower:
whole family is being killed and you're next
turns off all lights before going to bed:
omg run for the bed before the demons get you
elevator door doesn't immediately open :
trapped forever
realize it's too quiet, where's everyone?
oh god zombies.

I KNEW A GUY he called me to get my phone number. he missed the 44 bus so he took the 22 bus twice. he put lipstick on his forehead because he wanted to make up his mind. he tried to drown a fish. he jumped over a glass wall to see what was on the other side. he took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. he spent 5 hours looking at a orange juice box cuz it said concentrate. he got locked in a grocery store and starved to death... the fail is strong with this one ...

September, 11th = World Trade Center Crash
January, 11th = Haiti Earthquake
March, 11th = Japan Earthquake
12/21/2012 When the world will end - 1 2 2 1 2 0 1 2 = 11

you check your phone for no reason , because you know nobody texted you.
you will go slightly out of your way to step on a crunchy looking leaf.
you always hear your name, when its not being called.
you hate hearing your voice in recordings.
you use the word "thingy" when you can't remember what something is called.
you pretend your writing in class so the teacher won't call on you.
you say the entire alphabet because you can't remember what letter comes next.

Pardon me, Sir Gangster, I do believe your trousers are descending.

Yea... I know you've got your swag on but could you pull up your pants figure out how to wear a belt and walk a little faster? thanks homie -.-"

there needs to be "love it" "hate it" "fuck it" "suck it" "shove it" "your mom" buttons on fb

"you need anger management classes" "YOU need shut the f*ck up classes!!!"

"he is so deep in the closet, he's in f*cking Narnia..."

whats green and has wheels? grass, i lied about the wheels...

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

40 Things To Do In A Lift

1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside, and ask, "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in one corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to open the doors, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open by themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask them all to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
7. Say "DING!" at every floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises whenever someone else presses a button.
10. Stare, grinning, at another person for a while, then say, "I have new socks on."
11.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square with chalk on the floor then say to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder then pretend it wasn't you.
15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug with the other passengers. Tell them that you will never forget them.
16. Ask if you can push the buttons for other people, but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say that you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi, Greg. How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wait until someone bends to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend that you're a flight attendant, and review emergency exits with the other passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Yell, "Group hug!", then enforce it.
23. Make race car noises when someone gets on or off.
24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift as you.
25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just shup UP!"
26. Walk in with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!", then whistle innocently.
28. Let your cell phone ring--don't answer it.
29. Walk into the lift and say, "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when others don't.
31. Ask people which floor they want, then say, "Is that your final answer?"
32. Also in your bellboy act, ask people what floor they want. Whenever they answer, give them a glare and say, "You should be ashamed of yourself!"
33. Ask loudly, "Did you feel that?"
34. Tell different people that you can see their aura.
35. When the door closes, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
36. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
37. Start breathing heavily and grab your chest when someone walks in. Then stumble out gasping for air.
38. If you are the only one in the lift, press all the buttons then stand and stare at the door, waiting for someone to come in.
39. If someone looks at you, laugh maniacally and tell them that you're there for the mental health convention.
40. Dress up in a long black cloak with a hood, stare at everyone, and in a deep voice announce: "It is time..."

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana
7.Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,"Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .
Copy and Paste this To Make People Smile

I like copy and pasting... can't you tell? lol

13 Things I Hate About Everyone:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? I'mma kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid 12 bucks to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the heck? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that's longer?

9When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? Ears?, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13.McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

How to Tell if You're a Writer

-If you talk to yourself.
-If you talk to yourself about talking to yourself (i.e. ‘I wonder why I talk to myself so much?’)
-If, when you talk to yourself, you sometimes speak as if talking to another person (i.e. ‘Okay, so have you ever noticed that the word ‘deliver’ could mean removing someone’s liver?’)
-If, after uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand in awe and say, ‘Wow, this is good stuff for sugar highs!’
-If you live off of sugar and caffeine.
-If people start to notice that you tend to check your e-mail every day for a week, then suddenly disappear off the face of the planet.
-If your e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
-If, when replying to someone else’s e-mail, you are sometimes so random that you fail to address the original message altogether.
-If, no matter where you are in your room, you never have to so much as get up to reach a pen/pencil and paper.
-If the letters are starting to wear off on the keys of your keyboard.
-If people think you might have A.D.D.
-If you think it’d be cool to have A.D.D.
-If you start constantly talking in third person, past tense.
-If you think about making lists like this, and start giggling for no ‘apparent’ reason.
-If your friends don’t even bother to look funny at you anymore when you start giggling for no apparent reason.
-And finally, the number one way to tell if you’re a good writer: If you failed English 101.

Blondes Special Licnese

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling.

"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license."

To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."

She pointed to the bottom of the license and said, "Can you see this?? It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."

'Blondes Are Not Stupid' Convention

80,000 blondes are gathered for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "18!" Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then, 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "90?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened. The blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "4?". Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream ... Give her another chance! Give her another chance!

Funny In Flight Annoucements

1. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

2. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6.From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."

10. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

12.This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14.An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."