I'M BACK, BITCHES! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Warning: this is not a story for children! It contains violence, swearing, exceptionally-dark subject matters, alcohol and drug usage, sexual content, incest, impregnation, polygamy, polyamorous relationships, female homosexual shenanigans, and a highly anti-heroic main cast. It was also written by a morbidly-facetious, brutally-honest, crazy fucker with a juvenile sense of humor. You have been warned.

In addition, this fanfic takes place in a heavily-revamped alternate universe setting with elements and characters from multiple other fictional stories, including—though possibly not limited to—anime, video games, and manga, having been added to the mix. It is thus to be assumed that any and all elements in the official Naruto canon simply do not apply, here, until it has been indicated otherwise. This includes, but may not be limited to, the genders, backgrounds, and/or certain personality traits of specific characters.

In other words, this story just ain't for everyone—nor was it ever intended to be such. If this ain't your cup of tea, please note that I'm not forcing you to read my shit; nor am I encouraging others to do so. Thank you.

Disclaimer: I will say this once. I do not own the anime, manga, artwork, characters or any other elements of the fictional story known as Naruto. The individual who does is one Masashi Kishimoto. The same applies to any and all of the characters and elements that have been or will be "borrowed" from other intellectual properties.

Said properties include, but may not be limited to Bleach, Yakuza Girl, Rurouni Kenshin, Kenichi: The Mightiest Disciple, Inuyasha, and Soul Calibur. The owners of these properties are Tite Kubo, Masaki Motonaga, Watsuki Nobuhiro, Matsuena Syun, Rumiko Takahashi, and Bandai Namco Entertainment, respectively—in other words, not me.

Should any elements and/or characters of any other game, anime, manga, book, movie, or other intellectual property of any kind (famous or otherwise; patented or otherwise) not already listed be introduced into this story, I do not own them either, unless it is clearly stated otherwise.

The story you are currently reading is completely fan-based and is not, in any way, being written for the sake or hope of monetary compensation. All "original" content, however, is owned by me, unless credit is given to someone else.

Finally, this fanfic has been written as an answer to both the "Naruto Hates the Yondaime" Challenge and the "Uchiha and Hyuuga: Naruto's Defenders" Story Idea (which may have recently became a challenge, I'm not sure). Both of these belong to Fanfiction-dot-net user, dracohalo117. It is worth noting that I have been given permission to change the way in which Naruto and Nariko discover their lineage, as the Kyuubi will imply. It's also worth noting that I am referring to the challenge as it was before the changes he has made since.

Either way, credit goes to dracohalo117 for these ideas, as he was the inspiration behind them. Anything beyond these elements, however, has been either borrowed or conceived as a result of my own craziness.

Constructive criticism is welcome, but any and all flames will be used to warm my tootsies at night... or laughed at... or completely ignored. It depends on my mood. Anonymous reviews have also been enabled.

With all that said and outta the way, let us start the show, shall we?

Twisted Bonds: the Ultimate Sin

Prologue: So it Begins

Konohagakure no Sato… The Village Hidden among the Leaves… the closest thing to a utopia for ninja and civilian alike that currently existed—or what was left of it—was now in shambles. The rampage of Kyuubi no Youko, the Nine Tailed Demon Fox and mightiest of the Bijuu, had decimated the western half of the village and cut its citizen population down by fifty-two percent. Still, the people persevered; thousands of lives were lost that night, but, even then, the demon was defeated!

Due to the last, dying efforts of one man the colossal fox's rampage was brought to an end. Sadly, though, the Kyuubi could not be killed, so the Yondaime Hokage—Namikaze Minato—gave his life to separate the fox's flesh from its soul and sealed the Bijuu into his twin children. The boy, Naruto, acquired the Yin half of the Kyuubi's Youki, accompanied by the fox's soul, while the flesh and Yang half were placed within his sister, Nariko.

Unknown to Minato, however, his actions condemned those children to a life of hell which would lead them to curse their father's very name. The villagers would spit on the dying wish of their hero, blindly seeing the Yondaime's children as demons, themselves, and, in time, the fate of Konohagakure no Sato would find itself dependent upon the very same children its people had long-since rejected…

In the end, Namikaze Minato, Yondaime Hokage, and the Yellow Flash of Konoha would eventually learn—the hard way, one might add—that he'd let his ultimate sacrifice become his ultimate sin…

Three Days after the attack…

Yes, it had been three days since the Kyuubi nearly annihilated the village... from their perspective, at least, and the once-retired Sandaime Hokage—Sarutobi Hiruzen—was forced to reclaim his mantle of power.

While appearing far more frail than he truly was, Hiruzen was still more than able to take on the job.

There was a fire in his wrinkled, brown eyes, and his balding head was adorned by a wide, ceremonial, semi-conical hat emblazoned with the Kanji for fire. It was white with red-orange accents and his still-toned, slender frame was dressed in matching robes. A pair of tabi and zouri upon his feet and a white, spiked goatee upon his chin finished the look.

This man and the Councils of Konoha were now seated within their circular courtroom chamber, once again debating the fates of two very familiar, golden-haired infants with whisker-like birthmarks upon their cheeks.

Said children were lying in a simple, wooden crib surrounded by two teams of Konoha's best ANBU. Each visible ninja was sitting on his or her ankles in a neat, little circle around the kids—with the exception of two women who were garbed in civilian attire.

These women were named Uzuki Yuugao and Haruno Rin, and they did their damnedest to watch over the children. It didn't take long for them to become quite attached to these little bundles of joy.

In the meantime, the Councils and Kage continued their debate. But, alas, one could say things were quickly getting redundant… again.

Behind his tall podium, the Hokage sat high and mighty, as a leader should. To his left were the seats of the Civilian Council members. To his right sat the Shinobi Council, and across the room resided the Elder Council. More importantly, the retired ninjas among the Elders—Shimura Danzou, Utatane Koharu, and Mitokado Homura—were making themselves the centers of attention.

Three days, these three, in particular, had persisted in debating the infants' fate. A majority of the councils, including the Shinobi Elders, argued for children to be groomed into weapons. They found it to be quite strange that this was even a debate, really; this was the power of a demon that had been sealed into the children, after all! Of course it made perfect sense to use this power for the good of the village—to them, at least. A small group among the councils, though, argued on behalf of the children and their father's heroic sacrifice. They begged for the Hokage and the others to honor the Yondaime's memory and to the right thing.

Unfortunately for this small group and the children, however, the aged Hokage—among others—agreed with the Shinobi Elders' reasoning; he just didn't agree with the terms they were looking to apply.

First off, letting the twins be raised and trained under those three would almost certainly mean the twins would turn out being less than human. The infamously-inhumane Ne Program resulted in Danzou's near-execution and served as ghastly proof of how far the man was willing to go in "training" someone... and was also why Hiruzen had been quite glad to have personally removed the old warmonger's right arm.

Second off, the three in question had a bit of a reputation for power mongering and underhanded bullshit. Granted, the latter was to be expected from ninjas, but in Konoha, there were laws against that kinda shit being used on allies. Obviously, the Shinobi Elders simply couldn't be trusted to respect those regulations—especially in this case. Even the Civilian Council was well aware of that.

How the fuck these three still retained the power they had was anyone's guess, at the moment...

They, however, were not currently being the biggest problem, here. No, instead, there was another proposition that was gaining a frightful popularity—the prospect of killing the twins; thus the Kyuubi, by extension.

This was simply not acceptable; they were children for fuck's sake! Hell, they were the children of two of the village's greatest heroes to boot! Hiruzen simply could not allow this!

Unfortunately for Hiruzen, the three people who could've helped him most on the matter were nowhere to be found, and that was because of his own damn actions... actions that he was quickly starting to regret, but that was a subject for another time, as the debate continued.

Leading it, at the moment, was a man approaching his thirties with long, black hair and coal-colored eyes. His elaborate robes denoted a high station, and his hateful gaze made his opinion towards the infants rather clear. This man's name was Uchiha Fugaku, Head of the Uchiha Clan and Chief of General Law-Enforcement.

"Surely you people realize that these children are a liability," suggested the Uchiha. "Letting them roam freely with the Kyuubi's presence within them could very well lead to our utter destruction! If taking advantage of that power is out of the question, then I propose that we eliminate them now, and keep the demon's power from being turned against us!"

"I agree," Haruno Mebuki chirped. "Why are we just sitting around and discussing this in the first place?! We should finish what the Yondaime started and be done with it!"

Down in the center of the room, Nariko started crying, as if sensing the danger to her life and that of her twin.

Rin was hard-pressed to keep from grimacing at the Head of Real Estate's words, as she did her best to calm the poor girl down. Her expression then went sour, when Naruto started crying, as well. Both of the ANBU women tending to the brats let out a frustrated groan at that. These kids had both just stopped crying, damn it!

'Kizashi, you poor bastard,' Rin thought to herself, as she picked Nariko back up and started soothing her. 'for the life of me, I can't figure out what you see in that bitch.'

"Why the fuck are they even here?!" The question was more shouted in frustration than being legitimately brought up by Fugaku. "Why can't you have them be watched over elsewhere?"

"Watch your tongue," the Hokage barked, "to answer both of your questions, Hatake Kakashi is why. You have heard about the incident, have you not?"

That one shut him up, real quick.

Indeed, everyone in the room had heard about it. Not even a full ten minutes after they had been born, the very man who had been assigned to guard them had tried to kill them both in cold blood with his signature assassination technique, Raikiri: the Lightning Blade. Apparently, the man had been driven insane by the grief that came from losing his teacher and father figure, Minato. That was the official story, at least, though there were more than a few skeptics

Rin believed it wholeheartedly, albeit sadly. Having known her former teammate for years, she knew damn well that Kakashi had considered the Yondaime to be the only family he'd had left. Seeing him going mad the way he allegedly had wasn't hard for her to picture... though it was in other ways.

Fugaku didn't care, though; he was just smart enough not to piss off the Hokage... especially after what happened to Kakashi.

Danzou, not wanting to waste the opportunity, spoke, "keeping them from being turned against the village is precisely why they should be placed under my care!"

"Denied," Hiruzen replied, his tone unamused as he shot the man down just a bit more quickly than what may have been considered proper, "...again."

"Loathe as I am to admit it," Kurosawa Ibara, the village's Head of the Foreign Relations Department, spoke up, "Danzou-Sama's right about one thing: they need protection." She then turned her attention to Mebuki. "Also, to answer your question, the Yondaime, himself wanted them to be safe! Unlike you, apparently, I actually did my homework on the subject, because I couldn't help but wonder how he sealed one demon into two kids." Ibara then folded her arms with an irritated huff. "The texts describing the technique clearly state that the God of Death, himself was summoned to split the demon in half and stored it away in a pair of seals not dissimilar from those crazy scrolls that our village's ninja use. By implying that they're a danger, because of what was sealed into them, you're not just doubting the power of our Yondaime, Mebuki-San; you're doubting the power of a god!"

A thundering silence echoed throughout the chamber; even the twins stopped crying, once more.

Then, Hiruzen spoke, nodding in gratitude to "thank you for clarifying that, Kurosawa-San." Then, he addressed the rest of the council. "I believe now is as good a time as any to finally put this to rest. Is there anything anyone wants to add, before deciding where to house the children?"

Then, air in the room went stale, as Mebuki asked, "why do I feel a sense of impending doom?"

Then, as if on cue, the twins started crying once more.

Sensing something amiss, Tenzou of the Shinobi council—the Supreme Captain of ANBU—suddenly swore and jumped out of his seat, running towards the children.

The air felt dead and the temperature rose; it was hard to breathe, and the lights started to flicker, as the room, itself, seemed to quake. Everyone in the room panicked, demanding to know what the fuck was going on, and then, without warning, a bright, orange flash engulfed the chamber.

The room would not stop dancing, as Hiruzen pushed himself off the desk he was lying on, wondering what, exactly, had just happened. While the Hokage was busy blinking the swirling, pretty colors out of his eyes, several groans sounded throughout the Council Chamber.

While most of the Civilian and Elder Councils stayed unconscious, with but a handful of exceptions, most of the Shinobi Council was faring much better. The vast majority of the ANBU, however, seemed to have been too close to whatever the hell that was. Rin and Yuugao seemed okay, albeit still dazed, despite having awoken a good ten feet from where they'd... previously... been... wait a second.

Hiruzen's attention snapped elsewhere, as a woman giggled, sitting atop what was left of the crib that the children had occupied—Naruto in her arms, and Nariko sleeping happily in her lap.

The woman in question was barefoot and garbed in an orange yukata. The garment was decorated in black and white, tribal-looking flame designs and held up with a white obi. The woman's straight, orange locks were arranged in a quaint, feminine bowl cut that reached down to her shoulders, and her slit, almond-shaped, amber eyes held an odd combination of childish mischief and sagely wisdom.

What stood out mist, however, were the vulpine ears atop her head and... nine... fox-like... tails.

Hiruzen shouted, "Kyuubi!"

The sudden noise scared the twins, causing them to cry, as the woman glared at the old man. "For the record," she grumbled, "my name is Shoki. Do you honestly think my father was lazy and unimaginative enough to call me Nine Tails?!"

Unfortunately... for Tenzou, he decided to interrupt her by flashing through a series of hand signs, and thrust his tattooed palm in the newly-identified Shoki's direction.

"Oh, how quaint," the demonic vixen hissed, her visage a sickly-sweet grin.

Then, suddenly, there was a loud rip, and Shoki got a closer look at that tattoo, eyeballing the severed forearm that had just... appeared in her free hand. She completely ignored the blood curdling scream and the looks of utter horror from her spectators.

The twins seemed to give as much of a shit about them as she did.

What had most startled everyone else in the room, however, was that this woman had appeared to have not budged an inch, Nariko was still in her lap, and Shoki was at least a good fifteen feet from Tenzou, when she... somehow relocated the man's forearm.

Said man's ceremonial, porcelain tiger mask—which denoted his position among Konoha's elite special forces—had also fallen off, revealing a young, square-faced brat that wasn't much older than fifteen or so. His deep, brown eyes were impressively filled with far more rage than actual pain.

All things considered, Shoki couldn't help but to be entertained by the young mans sheer willpower... unfortunately, she also couldn't help but take a quick jab at the poor, little fucker. "What," she chuckled, "did you honestly think I would've let you live, had I thought that little trick of yours would still work?" She then tossed the limb to Rin.

The tattooed brunette in question fully awoke at that. A startled yelp came from her at the realization of what had just happened and she scurried off to Tenzou's side. There was a faint, pale green glow, as Rin scrambled to reattach her Supreme Captain's arm, using her Mystic Palm Technique.

Hiruzen glared down at the demonic woman, weighing his options, wondering what he could do. But, seeing her manhandle one of the highest men on the totem pole of Konoha's military elite in such a way had left the Hokage feeling understandably wary of her. Was there anything he could do? Hiruzen sighed, opting to keep her talking. Perhaps he could negotiate with the beast?

"What are you doing out of the seal?" Despite his wording, Hiruzen's tone was wisely respectful, having a tinge of legitimate curiosity to it, rather than demand. "Your escape should have been impossible."

"Someone forgot how Fuuinjutsu works, in his old age," Shoki chirped. "When placed upon a living creature... or two, Seals always derive their power from their bearers' will."

'Twas but a half-truth, but, damn it, that look on the old man's face was priceless!

"Why would they want you out?" The one who had spoken was Kyouraku Shunsui of the Civilian Council, a laid back-looking gentleman with a sandy brown ponytail and stubble. He was also a smart man, though he knew next to nothing about Fuuinjutsu, and what this demonic vixen was implying didn't seem very plausible to him.

"Because, one old man, in particular," Shoki replied, before glaring at Hiruzen, as if to indicate that she was talking about him, "left this adorable, little pair of kits without a mommy."

Rin didn't want to believe it... she really, truly didn't want to. But, when she looked up, the look on Hiruzen's face spoke volumes. "Hokage-Sama," she gasped, "why would you do that?"

The opinions of several people had dropped that day, when it was made so clear that Sarutobi Hiruzen was to blame for Kushina's disappearance.

"That said," Shoki continued, "I've found myself growing quite attached to them... so, I've agreed to fill that slot, in exchange for my freedom."

"And, you honestly think I'd let you?" Hiruzen's defiant glare made his opinion on the matter rather clear.

"To be honest," Shoki replied, "your compliance doesn't need to be a factor. As I made perfectly clear the last time someone in this village pissed me off, I am quite capable of leaving absolutely nothing in my wake, in the event that I'm forced to relocate. But, if you insist, I'm sure Oonoki would be quite appreciative of the Yellow Flash and Black Tide's legacy fighting under his banner. That would be quite the poetic justice, I must say."

That notion was not a popular one, if the looks of horror were anything to go by.

"Rest assured," she added, "the only reason I haven't done that, yet, is my own desire to avoid awkward questions, if I can. But, if I have no choice, then I have... no... choice."

"Very well, then," Hiruzen replied with a dejected sigh. There wasn't much he could do, and he knew it.

"Good boy," Shoki giggled. She then took on a fully human-looking appearance, as her tails retracted into her spine and her vulpine ears vanished with them—a pair of human ones presumably taking their place under her fiery locks. "I'll be sure to remain close, in case you need anything."

With that, the woman appeared to fade from existence, taking the twins with her, as her haunting cackle seemed to linger, even after she'd left.

Later that day, Shoki could be seen wandering the remaining southern streets of Konoha. The vixen kept the twins in a quaint, little wicker basket with leather straps, as she arrived at her destination: the slum district. Adjusting the little basket that held her new "litter" onto her back—where the hell she got the damn thing remaining quite the mystery—the new mother ventured forth, gaining the attention of the many people who surrounded her. Unknown to them, this strange woman—whom they had just labeled as fresh meat, at the time—was the closest thing to a messiah that they would ever have the pleasure of gazing upon, despite how brief her visit was sadly meant to be…

Dragon Ball Z Abridged is the intellectual property of Team Four Star. That being said the reference made in this chapter and all that may follow are unabashedly inspired by their work, though I will keep them fairly limited.

I simply couldn't help but be inspired by their interpretation of Cell, in regards to a piece of Shoki's dialogue, in particular. "To be honest, your compliance isn't a factor," just sounded too epic and fits too damn well for me not to have. I also couldn't help but to "borrow" the Jockstrap Incident and expand upon it, in later chapters. That said, credit goes to them for these elements.

In regards to the names: in Japan, one's surname is said before one's given name when giving one's full name. The Hokage, for example, would be called Hiruzen Sarutobi, here in the 'States. But, in Japan, his name is Sarutobi Hiruzen.

The reason I'm flipping the names like this and using honorifics to the best of my abilities is to try and give the setting a Japanese feel, as the show's universe was quite thoroughly inspired by that culture, in particular. I hope this helps with any confusion I might be causing as a result.

Trivia:

Shoki's name, according my my sources, means: heat, hot weather, sunstroke and heatstroke. When spelled with certain kanji, it can also mean secretary, I hear. You have no idea how much I wanted to use that for comic relief.

The "nari" in Nariko's name means gentle, while the "ko" means child.

Kyouraku Shunsui is originally a Bleach character, thus owned by Tite Kubo. In Konoha, he's in charge of maintaining all aspects of the entertainment industry, including but not limited to movie theaters, bars, brothels, the porn industry, and the like.

Tenzou, for those familiar with his character, is not Orochimaru's guinea pig in this fic; the technique he tried to use on Shoki was a high-level secret art he presumably learned through conventional means.

I started writing this story long before Rin's surname, Nohara, was FINALLY revealed, years after her introduction into the manga. (Took ya long enough, Kishimoto-San...) She's still a Haruno in this fic, however, because I didn't feel like changing that.

Each council has six members. The rest will be revealed, as needed, over the course of the story.

Finally, this story is being edited by my beautiful fiancee, and credit also goes to her for helping me make the council seem more polarized from the get-go.

Techniques mentioned:

Raikiri (Lightning Blade): a lightning-based assassination technique unique to one Hatake Kakashi. That's all I'm saying, for now.

Shousen Jutsu (Mystic Palm Technique): a standard medical technique that heals wounds and repairs organs. It's channeled through the hands, and can only be used at close range. High-level users can even reattach limbs, stabilize a subject who's in critical condition, or even sustain up to two dying subjects until help arrives.