LililolipopD
Author has written 6 stories for Rise of the Guardians, Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak, and Skulduggery Pleasant series. Name: Lililolipop or Lilly or Lil Age: 3 and a half, but i beat up a 5 Y/O :P Hair Colour: Brown Hair type: Long, Straight and thick with a side fringe D.O.B: Month; November Day; 9th Year; wait a bloody minute -_- Starsign: SCORPIO - The Gorgeous One (10/23-11/21) Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Best kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. Amazing in bed. A caring person. One of a kind.Gorgeous Smile.Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not repost Favourite Colour: Electric Purple Favourite food: DORITOS Favourite song: Chandelier - Sia What is the truest thing you've ever heard: In three words i can sum up everything i've learned about life: It goes on Funny Jokes: Signs That You're a Redneck Jedi -- Your Jedi robe is camo-colored. -- You use your light saber to open and cook cans of pork and beans. -- At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored. -- There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings Q:What do you call a Bulldog and a Shitzu cross? Recently an author called DarkHorseBlueSky was asked for advice by a guest reviewer. Her exact words were this: “I want to ask your advice. I feel really low because it’s like no boy has ever loved me for myself, heck, no boy has ever loved me properly at all. The only boy that ever loved me loved all the girls his age-ish. Do you have any great advice to make me feel better and not so worthless?” Her words got me thinking. I knew what she was going through — I’d felt that way myself quite a few times. I understood. I’d been rejected, ignored, even hated by people I’ve known my whole life. I still am. I began to think that I could not answer. But then I remembered — I have been loved. I am loved. I will always be loved. Here, I’ll be honest with you. He’s the greatest guy in the world — literally. I love him and he loves me, but what I’m most amazed with is that even when I don’t love him — when I ignore him for the sake of doing “more important things”, when I break down and scream at him, when I start to wonder if or when he’ll answer my calls, when I demand why, why is he letting me go through all this fear and doubt if he truly loves me — he doesn’t turn away. He never hesitates to listen when I call — in fact, he waits just for me to talk to him, even if he doesn’t answer at first. When I start to think he’s left me to walk the trail alone, I realize that he’s carrying me. Even when I’m at my lowest, when I’ve thrown everything I’ve got at him, when I’m dirty, imperfect, hateful…he still loves me. It’s true what they say — love must be blind. He’s still by my side when all the things I’ve done have left him bleeding.* His father loves me too. He can’t wait for the day when I come home to live with his son. He does everything for me. He comforts me when I’m afraid. He listens to my silent cries and midnight rants, and when he thinks the time is perfect, he surprises me by making everything better. When I saw the review waiting in my email inbox, he smiled, told me, “You know what to say” and helped me when I got stuck. He’s given me a home, a family, a future. He gave me life. He gave his own so I wouldn’t have to die. He defeated death and came back for me. His name is Jesus Christ, and He is my Savior. Think of me however you wish; I don’t care. I’m not ashamed. When you love someone — truly, truly love them — and they love you back even more than you love them, why should you keep your love a secret? I know what you’re thinking right now: “That’s not what I meant. I meant love with a boy, someone I could spend my life with. Not some white-robed figure I can’t see, hear, or feel.” I have nothing against that kind of love. What I’m trying to tell you is that you don’t have to feel worthless. Because you’re not. Even though you might not be able to see Him, hear His voice, or feel His hand, there is Someone out there who loves you for who you are, for who He is. He’ll never abandon you. He wants to be with you. He wants to save you. He’s knocking at your door right now, waiting for you to let Him in. He’s asking you to say “Yes”. Yes, I will follow You. Yes, I will devote my life to You. Yes, I want to be with You forever and I will give everything I have to be with You. It’s the most He could do to die for us. It’s the least we can do to live for Him. I’ve made that decision. I’ve said yes and I know that when I die my physical death, I can live the eternity of my spiritual life with Him. I’m waiting now, I’m ready to be with Him, face to face. That’s why I don’t fear death. I’m scarred, I’m dirty, I’m sinful beyond imagination. And yet still He came for me, willing to pay the debt that I and everyone else owed. He suffered and died because of what we’ve done. And yet He still loves us. He pushed aside death and came back to life, just to wash us of our flaws so we can be with Him. Once again, I will say that I have nothing against love with a boy. But, once again, I will stress that it’s not the best you can have. I myself have not yet found the man with whom I will spend my physical life, but I know that when God thinks it’s time, He’ll send the right guy. And if not, then I’m okay with that. I’m satisfied in knowing that out there, there is Someone who loves me with everything He has. Someone who doesn’t care about my looks, my clothes, what I own or what I can give Him. Someone who proves to me that I’m not worthless. Someone who pays my passage into His Kingdom with His own life. And that, I believe, is the best and most important kind of love you can have. *Lyrics from “Undone” by FFH. Copy/pasted from trustingHim17's profile. There is a difference between fiction and nonfiction. Every series I write about falls under "fiction." No, the Greek gods are not real. Neither are the Egyptian, Norse, Celtic, or any other mythology you may have found an interest in. Sorry to burst your bubble. There is only one God, the God of the Bible, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the God of David and Daniel, and the God who loves YOU and sent His Son to die for YOU. Do you know Him as well as you know the Greek, Egyptian, or Norse gods? The gods don't exist, but God does. Do you know Him? Random And Completely Useless Things That You Probably Didn't Know Until Today: You can kill plants with heavy metal music. Nail polish remover never expires. Donald Duck cartoons were once banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any pants. (dunno if they still are) Rick Riordan has never seen the Lightning Thief movie, nor does he have any plans to. That little plastic thingy at the end of a shoelace is called an aglet. July 27 is Take Your Pants For A Walk Day. (To blazes to me if I know what that means.) In Japan, they use more paper making comics and manga than to make toilet paper. Liquid Tide detergent glows under black light. Bees eat each other when stressed. Mickey Mouse was originally supposed to be named Mortimer Mouse, but Disney's wife found it creepy. (I do, too.) Have you noticed how, in Star Wars, Darth Vader's name is just "invader" without the "in"? And Darth Sidious is "insidious" without the "in", too. So what about "inebriety"? And "indigestion"? Interesting. The Nick Jr. show "Go, Diego, Go" has a weird name. It's funny because the name Diego ends with "go". But then wouldn't that make it "go die go go"? I don't think the Nick Jr. people thought that through entirely. I feel sorry for Justin Beiber's mom Random Sayings In No Particular Order: Learn from me. I am wise. No I'm not. Overlook me. Don't. Are you confused? No, you're not. I am happy. You are sad. No, I'm sad. You're not happy. You are happy. I'm confusing. You are confused. Now it makes sense. Ha. Smile... even though it freaks other people out. There's a fine line between sanity and insanity. I believe I crossed it several hundred miles back. When there's an awkward silence... "FOR NARNIA!" I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute. I'll try being nicer when you try being smarter. Ah... Medieval Times. When boys opened doors for girls instead of trampling them on their way out. Those were the good old days. Keep smiling –– it makes everyone wonder what you're up to. Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Normal people scare me... but not as much as I scare them. I stopped fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now. It is better to keep your mouth shut and make people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. I wasn't calling you names. I was stating the obvious. I'm sick of all this talk about vampires and werewolves. What we really need is a good book about unicorns. I'm not cynical. Everything just sucks. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. That which doesn't kill you... will probably try again. The difference between brilliance and stupidity is that brilliance has its limits. I respect your opinion. I just think it's stupid. You have the right to remain silent, so please just shut up. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. I didn't slap you! I just gave you a high five in the face. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need the advice. If you hate someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you're a mile away from them AND you have their shoes! Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run away. He hates that. There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE is when it's weird. Don't follow in my footsteps. I run into things. Parents spend the first years of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, and the rest to sit down and shut up. Whoever says nothing is impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door. Whoever says that words never hurt has obviously never gotten hit by a dictionary. Whoever says "as easy as taking candy from a baby" has obviously never tried. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done. I'm only Grumpy because you're Dopey. I'm the kind of girl who can watch a horror movie without getting scared, but jumps and screams when the toast pops out of the toaster. Forget love. I'd rather fall in chocolate! US quality: made in China. Other people want to be werewolves and vampires. I want to be a unicorn. Let's eat, Gramma! Let's eat Gramma! PUNCTUATION SAVES LIVES. It takes skills to trip over flat surfaces. I didn't fall. The floor just needed a hug. WARNING: Do not annoy the writer. She may put you in a book and kill you. Cleaning my room: 1% cleaning 30% complaining 69% playing with stuff I just found School: 1% learning 30% sleeping 69% drawing manga characters in the margins of your notebook 8 out of 5 people are mathematically and numerically illiterate. Friendships are like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm sensation. Boys are like trees. They take fifty years to grow up. Boys are like Slinkies. Practically useless, and yet it is so amusing to watch them fall down the stairs. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts. My boyfriend said that it's either him or the horse. I'll go get my saddle. The evening news is where they tell you "Good evening", and then proceed to list countless reasons why it's not. Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic... We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do. We live in an age where there are handicap parking spots in front of ice-skating rinks. We live in an age where the banks leave the front doors open and chain the pens to the counter. We live in an age where there is Braille lettering on the drive-up ATMs. Strangers stab you in the front. Friends stab you in the back. Boyfriends stab you in the heart. Best friends poke you with straws. God made men first. Then He had a better idea! Dear Math, Please stop asking us to find your X. She's not coming back, and don't ask Y either... Dear Math, I am not a therapist. Solve your own problems. Dear Yahoo, I have never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo it!"Just saying... Sincerely, Google Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving 'til 5. Sincerely, Unicorns Dear America, You produced Miley Cyrus. Beiber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada Dear Impossible, Screw you. I just made a campfire underwater. Sincerely, Spongebob Dear Students, I know when you're texting in class. Seriously, no one in their right mind just looks down at their crotch and smiles. Sincerely, Your Teacher Dear The Optimist, The Pessimist, and The Realist, While you idiots were arguing whether the glass was half full, half empty, or half of both air and water hence always full, I drank the glass. Sincerely, The Opportunist I dream of a better tomorrow –– where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned. They told me I could become anything. So I became a rock. Bookstores are one of the only pieces of evidence we have left that people are still thinking. I ran with scissors. And lived. I am nobody. Nobody's perfect. Therefore, I am perfect. I did what they said and took the road less traveled –– now where the heck am I? An apple a day keeps the doctor away –– if well aimed. DRINK COFFEE! Do stupid things faster with more energy! You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor. What happens when you're scared half to death twice? My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. Did you know sarcasm is your body's natural defense against stupidity? Don't follow me. I'm lost too. The world is full of crazy people. They made me their leader. Don't mess with me. I've got a stick. Smile, because I have no idea what is going on! Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are vegetables? One way to figure out how things work –– push all the buttons! What is this normal you speak of? Is it contagious? Stay away! I might catch your normal! Without those blonde moments, life would be so dull. When women are depressed, they eat chocolate or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out. Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional... Cheese... milk's leap toward immortality. If you say "gullible" really slow, it sounds like "oranges"! Without ME, it's just AWESO. Come to the nerd side. We have pi! The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... and spiders. Raisin cookies are the reason why I have trust issues. On a scale of 1 to 10, what's your favorite color in the alphabet? There is a fine line between numerator and denominator. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I hate rhyming. Zebra. The following statement is true. The previous statement is false. The cactus wants a hug. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. Excuse me, have you seen my sanity? I think I lost it. I see regular people! Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over. Silence is golden and duct tape is silver. You choose. If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk. I'm so gangster. I carry a squirt gun. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three! If you can't fix it with duct tape, you haven't used enough. I didn't lose my mind. I sold it on eBay! There is no "I" in "team" but if you switch around a couple letters, there is definitely a "ME"... There are three kinds of people in the world: ones that can count, and ones that can't. I can only please one person a day. Today's not your day, and tomorrow's not looking good either... The person who smiles when things go wrong is thinking of a list of people to blame it on. I am NOT saying you're stupid. I am merely implying it. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Usually, it belongs to an incoming express train. Just when I thought that you said the stupidest thing ever, you kept talking. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. An idiot is a window washer who steps back to admire the wonderful cleaning job he did on the 44th floor. Love your enemies. It gets them really confused. In order to lose your mind, you must have one in the first place. All people have the right to stupidity; some just abuse that privilege. Why be difficult when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible? I have two rules: One, that I am never wrong; And two, if I am wrong, back to the first rule. When giving lethal injections, the doctors first sterilize the needles. I have one question that I would love to ask –– "WHY?" He who claps last is not paying attention. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. If annoyed further, I shall spork your eyes out. I don't obsess! I think intensely. I'm not random. You just can't think as fast as me. MOO... I'm a fish Give me candy –– OR ELSE. Notice how "or else" is bolded, capitalized, and italicized. Think. Do you really want to mess with me? The question is not whether or not you have the right to remain silent. The question is whether or not you have the capacity. You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it. Some see the glass as half full, some see it as half empty. Me? I just want to know who the heck is drinking my soda. The greener grass on the other side is probably artificial turf. Practice makes perfect, but since nobody's perfect, why practice? Education is important. School, however, is another matter. It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile, and absolutely none at all to sit there with a dumb look on your face. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate. Advice is not my forte. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Slinky plus escalator equals endless fun I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall be quick and painless. Secret admirers are stalkers with stationery. It's not stealing. It's borrowing with no intention of giving back. Procrastinators: the leaders of tomorrow. Tu madre. You just got burned in Spanish. Chocolate is the answer no matter what the question is. It's okay, Pluto. I'm not a planet either. At this moment, you're the oldest you've ever been. Deep, huh? If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters. Worst time to have a heart attack: during a game of charades. Whoever said that nothing is impossible has obviously never tried eating a liquid. Whoever said that nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to fly a helicopter upside down. Whoever said that nothing is impossible has obviously never tried nailing Jell-O to a tree. Whoever said that nothing is impossible has obviously never tried lining up a group of people alphabetically according to height. Come to the Dark Side. We have COOKIES! Welcome to the Dark Side. Are you surprised that we lied about the cookies? Come to the Light Side. We have ICE CREAM! Welcome to the Light side. Heh, sorry, we're out of ice cream. Don't attempt a staring contest with a brick wall. They cheat a lot. When someone annoys you, remember that it takes 47 muscles to frown but just 4 muscles to stretch out your arm and punch the crap out of them. Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon. Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. What do you mean, my birth certificate expired? I didn't trip. I was just doing a random gravity test. If I'm not back in five minutes... wait longer! I've got a problem for your solution. Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead. I didn't fight my way to the top of a food chain to be a vegetarian. Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion! What a bunch of idiots. I downloaded it for free. War does not determine who is right... only who is left. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Diamonds are a girl's best friend because they're sharper than knives. Relax. Nothing is okay. Just say no to drugs. Because if your drugs are talking to you, you've probably had too many. Never do anything you don't want to explain to the paramedics. You have the right to remain silent. I have the right to ignore whatever you say. Either way, it works in my favor. We're not retreating, we're just advancing in a different direction. I was going to take over the world, but then I saw a shiny thing. The Tooth Fairy teaches kids that it's okay to sell body parts. Be insane, because well behaved girls never made history. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is GOING somewhere. You're a special kind of stupid, aren't you? The doctor says that we have multiple personalities. I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and stare at it for hours. The early bird gets the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese. They never suspect the short one. Heaven doesn't want me and hell is afraid I'll take over. Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? Anyone else having trouble getting to Narnia? I've used up all of my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. Stereotyping? How do you type with a stereo? People know don't know me think I'm quiet. People who do wish I was. Hey stupid! Your sock is untied! Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. I'm not as random as you think I salad. On a scale of 1 to crazy I'm a penguin. I see no good reason to act my age. Hey you! Yeah you! No, not you, the other guy! You right there! Do you like tacos? I tried being normal, but I didn't like it. Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes. Normality will be restored as soon as we figure out what it is. Flying is not inherently dangerous –– crashing is. I have not lost my mind; it is backed up on a disk somewhere. Forecast for tonight: darkness. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. I'm the kind of person who walks into a chair and apologizes. If you had a life you would stop talking about mine. Wanna know how to keep an idiot busy? Take him into a round room and tell him to sit in a corner. In a world of Cheerios, be a Froot Loop! Earth first. We'll screw up the other planets later. You, you, and you –– panic. The rest of you follow me. If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with nonsense. I have a dream and in it, something eats you. Everyone is beautiful on the inside. If you think bones and guts are beautiful. Looking for a perfect girl? Go buy yourself a Barbie doll. If aliens are looking for intelligent life, don't be scared. You have no reason to be. If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport. Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world, but shhhh... it's a secret! Quick, what's the number for 9-1-1? I ran into my ex today. Then I put it in reverse and hit him again. Hi! I'm human. What're you? Patience is what parents have when they also have witnesses. We are the people our parents warned us about! I will not be a naughty girl. I will not be a naughty girl. I will not be a naughty girl. I will not be a... aw, who am I kidding? I'm smiling because I'm your sister. I'm laughing because there's nothing you can do about it! A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Earth is full. Go home. I'm a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up. An overly positive attitude may not be enough to solve a problem, but it sure ticks people off enough for it to be worth it! I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody's looking. The cops never find it as funny as you do. Reality is for people who lack imagination. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." People say I've lost my sanity, but I can't lose what I never had. The voices in my head may not be real, but they still have pretty good ideas... You're just jealous 'cause the voices talk to me not you. Nine out of the ten voices in my head agree that I'm insane. The tenth is off chasing cars. The voices in my head don’t like you. I used to have a life. That was before I learned how to write. If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch? Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young. Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot your revenge. WARNING: Jumping into toxic waste does not give you super powers. Bad spellers of the world UNTIE! When nothing goes right... go left. It's a beautiful day, now watch some idiot screw it up. OOOH.. DRAMA! Let's get popcorn! Do it today! It might be illegal tomorrow! You! Off my planet! The first sign of madness is talking to yourself. The second is when the voices in your head answer back. Allow me to introduce my selves. There's nothing that can't be fixed with duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over. Not all men are annoying... some are dead. If it wasn't for physics and law enforcement I'd be unstoppable. Kids are the future. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Don't hit kids. No, seriously, they have guns now. WARNING: Children left unattended will be sold to the circus. If I throw a stick, will you go away? Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them. It's you and me versus the world... we attack at dawn. A day without sunshine is like... night. I only know how to do things three ways: the right way, the wrong way, and my way... which is the wrong way only faster. I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight. Real friends don't let you do stupid things –– alone. The butterflies are plotting SOMETHING... Best friends know how stupid you are and still choose to be with you in public. Don't try to out-weird me –– I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal. You don't like me, well it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter. You say "crazy" like it's a bad thing. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there! Stressed is desserts backwards. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? I am free of all prejudices... I hate all people equally! I am in shape... round is a shape. I don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in my pool. I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. Oooooh... a life. Where can I download one? The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. People say that money can't buy happiness. However, I just purchased marshmallows. Isn't that the same thing? If it ain't broken... fix it 'til it is. I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS? Last night, I was lying on my bed, staring up at the stars, and wondering, "Where the heck is my roof?" Ten percent of people believe that their food has a party when they shut the fridge door. I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call a "floor" –– a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck, my friends, for I may not return alive. A rejected invention: Instant water! Just add water! I've got things to break, people to laugh at, objects to drool over and who knows what else. The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't by accident. Barney came along and they all committed suicide. EMO –– Extravagantly Made Origami Everything is edible. Everything. Even I am edible, but that, my children, is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies. Taste the rainbow –– eat crayons! What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse." Do not lead me into temptation. I can find it myself. The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Make a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for life. Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. By the Hulk. On an adrenaline rush. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. Death by chocolate –– oh, what a way to go. My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil. I'd take a bullet for you. Not in the head, like in the leg or something. Worst. Idea. Ever. *pause* Let's do it. People who investigate noises in horror movies deserve to die. I've probably learned more from Google than I have from school. Your eyebrows are as beautiful as an enormous caterpillar. My friend's the kind of person who breaks the silence at a funeral by yelling, "KUNG POW CHICKEN!" When there's a will, I want to be in it. Don't try to hold your hand over my mouth to make me shut up. I'll lick you. The greatest pleasure in life is doing something people tell you not to. Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself! So stick that in your juice box and SUCK IT! Say no to drugs. Say yes to tacos. Whatever it was –– I didn't do it! I swear Mario is a hobo. He wakes up every day in the same clothes, runs around in sewers collecting coins, and to buy what? MUSHROOMS! Ever noticed that "studying" is "student" and "dying" put together? Dear Guy-Sitting-Next-To-Me: Yeah, I see you copying me. But joke's on you. I didn't study either. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. Wanna hear a joke? Miley Cyrus. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. I don't get it...boys think girls are so complicated. Haven't they met themselves? If you're reading this then you're not dead. Good for you. I ROCK! Guitar hero told me. There's nothing wrong with talking to random objects. It's when they start to talk back that you need to worry. The trouble with real life is that there is no background music. If my calculations are correct... slinkies plus escalator = EVERLASTING FUN!! Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? DEATH: the number 1 killer in the U.S... tell your friends. Three hundred sixty-four days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers. Yet on Halloween, it's encouraged! Why is that? Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary. Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can! If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem. They laugh because we're losers . . . . We laugh because they just figured it out. What hair color do they put down on the driver's licenses of a bald man? You don't like me, well it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter. What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GORGEOUS? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired I put the mirror down! Facebook is like jail. You sit around and waste time, you write on walls, and you get poked by people you don't know! I wish I had Dora's parents… They let that girl go everywhere! I am proud of myself. I finished the puzzle in just 6 months while the box said 2 to 4 years. Girls spend the first ten years of their lives playing with Barbies, and the next ten years trying to look like one. I decided to burn lots of calories today, so I set a fat kid on fire. I want to merge My Space, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT. Just because I'm cute doesn't mean I'm harmless. Please note: Christmas this year is cancelled. I told Santa I was good this year... and he died laughing. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is cute... screw the fruit! The surest sign of intelligent life out there is that none of them have tried to contact us. Lately the only thing keeping me from becoming a serial killer is my dislike for manual labor. PMS: Every woman's legal right to be a bad girl. You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder. When you find a real man... Ask him if he has a SINGLE brother! He broke my heart...So I broke his JAW! Girls don't make mistakes, we date them. A wise man once said, "I don't know. Go ask a woman." A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Who was the first person who looked at a cow and say "I think I will squeeze those dangly things here and drink what comes out"? I'm such a genious. (Only good spellers will get the joke) Do people in England try to sound like Americans, like we try and have British accents? Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed. STUPID = Smart Talented Unique Person In Demand You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then? 1 out of every 4 people are insane. Look at your three best friends, if it's not them, it's you. Engineering: "How will this work?" Science: "Why will this work?" Management: "When will this work?" Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" You should never let anything stop you. Except safety rails. They're there for a reason. Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"? Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything. Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? We're so cool ice cubes are jealous. It's okay, Pluto. I'm not a planet either. Ever wonder why bologna and lasagna don't rhyme? Laughing until your stomach hurts is what friends are for. You should always proofread what you write in case you any words. By the time you finished reading this you'll realize you just wasted 5 seconds of your life I burst laughing out in class today... I got that joke you told yesterday! There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is filled. People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. You think you're all that and a bag of chips. Yeah, well I'm all that and a bag of M&Ms. Taste my rainbow! The absolute greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you can't. Hunting is not a sport. In a sport, both sides know they're playing. Does being fluent in sarcasm count as a second language? Obsession? What do you mean, I have an obsession? (hides book behind back) You're just jealous because I'm the only one the voices talk to. There is no 'I' in team, but there is an 'I' in PIE, and so there is an 'I' in MEATPIE and since MEAT is an anagram of TEAM... Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to change it every 2 months. I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit just a little bit harder. Why does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number? Shouldn't they already know it? If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future? A computer without Internet is like a person without a soul. When something has a sign that says "Do not touch" it is actually a test of how daring you are. Touch it. Tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling; it's cheaper than a smoke alarm. You are more likely to die on your way to buy a lottery ticket than to win the lottery. Punching someone in the face is a very efficient way to see how forgiving they are. Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Why doesn't glue stick to its bottle? Why do you still call it a building when it's already built? If you aren’t suppose to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? Funny world. Very few personal problems can't be solves through suitable applications of high explosives. I do too have an hourglass figure; the sands just keep shifting. I didn't lose my marbles. I gave them to a kid with a marble run. I love Mondays! Hey, the medication's working! I let my mind wander, and it never came back. Don't let your mind wander. It's too small to be let out on its own. I just need a toxic substance... L.A. tap water will do just fine. I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. The world is out to get me. Hide me in your closet and don't let it find me. It's tourist season, so why can't I shoot them? I said I had my reasons. I never said you would understand. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing. Sarcasm is one more service we offer. Don't worry, our staff is used to stupid questions. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. Diplomacy is the art of saying "Good doggie" while groping for a bigger stick. What's the point of having a giant paper clip if you won't use it for world domination? Shut up voices! Or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again! Note to self: do not use axe to kill a fly on a person's head. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 10% sugar, 10% spice, 80% demon child so you better be nice. I let some blind guy borrow money the other day. Yeah, he said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me...wait. Apparently 1 in 5 people are Chinese. There are five people in my family so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or dad. Or my older brother Will. Or my younger brother Ho-chan-chu. But I think it's Will. Be optimistic. All the people you hate are going to eventually die. I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse. I love how in scary movies the person says, “Hello?” as if the murderer’s gonna be like, “Yeah, I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?” I keep some people's phone numbers in my contacts just so I know not to answer when they call. If you were on fire and I had some water, I'd drink it. A clean house is a sign of a broken computer. Note to self: It is illegal to stab someone for being stupid. No matter how much they deserve it. This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence. You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder. You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out. Yeah like that. Stop it. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. Have you ever watched a Disney movie or something now that you're grown up and realized you had no idea what was going on when you first saw it? My teacher pointed at me with her ruler and said, “At the end of this ruler is an idiot.” I got detention for asking which end. Anatidaephobia — fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you. There is nothing worse than that moment in which you are sure you're going to die after leaning back in a chair a little too far. I think that part of a best friend's job after you die is to immediately clear your computer history. Help! I've fallen and I can't reach my Life Alert! Keyboard not found... Press any key to continue. Ah, the internet: where men are men, women are also men, and thirteen-year-old girls are FBI agents. If Google can't find the answer, it's not a question. Sometimes, Google should come back with a message that says, "Trust me, you don't want to know." When butterflies fall in love do they feel humans in their stomachs? There’s a fine line between genius and stupidity. I like to play jump rope with that line. When I have kids someday, I’ll tell them to watch the movie 2012 and say, “I survived that.” If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. The internet is like Egypt; we write on walls, convey messages with pictures that no one understands, and worship cats. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? Scary thought: A ghost could be humping you right now and you'd never know. I hate it when you miss a call by like two seconds, but when you call back immediately after, no one answers. What did they do, leave a message, drop the phone, and sprint as far away as possible? Always say no to drugs, because if your drugs are talking to you, it's time to quit. A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder. I look around and all I see is stupid! On a completely unrelated topic, I like to look at mirrors. Can we be antisocial butterflies? Music is like candy; you throw away the rappers. “Did you just fall?” “No, I attacked the floor." "Backwards?” "I’m skilled.” "Wait! Violence is not the answer!" "You're right; it's the question! And the answer is YES!" "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," the sarcastic teacher said. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher. "Well, actually, I don't," said the student, "I just hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will decend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, then pick your favorite.'' Your friend calls you at 3 in the morning. "Are you asleep?" "No, I'm skydiving." Would you like a cookie? So would I. I Googled you today and I'm disturbed with what I found. If you are reading this then step 1 of my evil plan is complete. I have no patience for impatient people. Always be yourself! Unless you can be Batman. Then always be Batman. You're a great friend. But if the zombies are after us, I'm tripping you. DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE. You little rebel. I like you. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. Misuse of "literally" makes me figuratively insane. Spelling is dificoult. Spelling is chalanging. Spelling is hard. If you can't be a good example, be a warning. What floats in water? a) bread. b) apples. c) small rocks. d) duck. Sorry. I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am. Kiss me. I'm pretending to be Irish. Fear of spiders: arachnophobia. Fear of small spaces: claustrophobia. Fear of clowns: normal. Real men don't sparkle. Real men defeat dark wizards. Most Intelligent Person In The World [citation needed] Legen- (wait for it) dary! Everything in moderation. Except chocolate. I am disappointment in you're grammar. Everything is easier said than done. Except for talking. That's about the same. Alliteration is alarmingly addictive. "B" is for BACON and that's good enough for ME! What girls don't know: when a boy acts like she hates them, he actually likes them. What boys don't know: when a girl acts like she hates them, she actually hates them. When I die, I want to go peacefully like Grandfather did, in his sleep. Not screaming, like the passengers in his car. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I swear, I was just aiming for your face. I'm not deaf. I'm just ignoring you. Never say to a police officer: "I swear to drunk I'm not God!" I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce. Caution! I drive as bad as you do... If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? I do whatever the voices tell me to do. It just depends on who yells the loudest. I like poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick. What about you? My day is not complete until I have terrified a complete stranger. Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic and say, "Who do you think you are?" Stress: a condition brought on by overriding the body's desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it. This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and ruthless violence. See, when Miley Cyrus licks a sledgehammer while naked, it's "art" and "music". But when I lick a sledgehammer, I'm "wasted" and have to leave Home Depot. We'll be friends forever...because you know too much. My room is not messy. It is an obstacle course meant to keep me fit. 10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden...in his house. 364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, but on Halloween, its encouraged. Does this make sense to anyone? Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much. Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. Don't worry about the people in your past. There’s a reason they didn't make it to your future. Eat right, exercise, die anyway. I can resist everything except temptation. I have CDO. It's like OCD but all of the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be. If aliens are looking for intelligent life, then why are you scared? If all else fails, destroy all evidence that you tried. If explosives didn't solve your problems, you obviously weren't using enough of them. If Fed ex and UPS merge, they would be called Fed UP. If history repeats itself, I'm so getting a dinosaur. If I promise not to kill you... can I have a hug? If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation. If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch? If you're color blind, eating sweets must be a completely different experience. "Come on skittles, give me red... LEMON DARNIT!" Isn’t it funny how the word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’?" It's sad your own mom dresses you like that. I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh the fun I will have. I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly, if it's worth it. Jogging is a slow sprinting, Coach! Just remember – if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. Let me know if anything I say offends you, I might wanna offend you later. Paper may beat rock, but only until the catapults roll in! Remember: Eat your school, stay in drugs and don't do vegetables . . . Wait . . . Right now, I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. Sanity is a state of mind. It's near Colorado. :D Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it. Set sail in a general that way direction. The pen may be mightier, but the sword still hurts. The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on. The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. The rules only apply if you get caught. The three of you panic. The rest follow me. Those who throw objects at crocodiles will be asked to retrieve them. We are the people our parents warned us about! When I die, friends will go to my funeral, good friends will cry at my funeral, but my best friend will change my facebook status to "Chillin' with Jesus". When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. When in doubt, push random buttons! When they laugh, we'll laugh along too. Because we know better. We know. A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss. I'm not as dumb as you look. They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room? It's always darkest before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors newspaper, that's the time to do it. It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown...and fewer still to ignore someone completely. It takes a big man to cry...but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. Doors are on a house so you don't have to go through the windows. No one ever says "it's only a game" if their team is winning. I never repeat myself, so pay close attention to me the first time, cause I never repeat myself. Canaries are the best, especially with ketchup on them. Slow and steady gets you trampled by the other guys. When opportunity knocks, shoot first and ask questions later. When all else fails, use duct tape. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again My Reality Check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. "What's behind this door?" -opens it- "...another door. Hilarious." "There are 1000 ways I could kill you, and 941 of them hurt." "So what do the other 59 of them do? Tickle?" "They locked you in?" "No, I locked THEM out! Why must you always see these things backwards?" I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works. Out of my mind, please leave a message. Define normal. Do you think I'm weird? Don't answer that. What if weird meant normal and normal meant weird? Worry when I say I don’t need chocolate. You say you don’t trust me with sharp objects, I ask why not. You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. My mom finds it tiring to worry about me. Don’t expect anything from me until I’ve had my daily dose of chocolate. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. There's no future in time travel. Smith & Wesson -- the original point and click interface. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. Oh Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW! A good pun is its own reward. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor The road to success is always under construction. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come. Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he’s lost? Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Boys should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from. Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'? Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it. Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key. You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark? I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith... It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. Gene Police: You!! Out of the pool! Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking, overeating, and chasing women — all at the same time. It was a lovely funeral. A SMALL PIECE OF TRUTH * * * I am a book freak, yes. So what? While I hole myself up in a good story, you're off reading things from Facebook. While I lose myself in unknown worlds, you're off playing Minecraft or World of Warcraft. While I learn things you cannot imagine, you're off failing school and your teachers and family. I know more about some characters than I do myself— characters you will never know. I can survive my whole life in a world— a world you will never see. I know the secrets of people, places, and creatures— all of which you will never meet. I could ruin your life, if I had the heart to and if you and I were in one of the worlds I know— and you would never tell the difference. I create worlds, people, creatures, but most of all lives with my words that you call another boring subject— something you will never experience the joy and pride of. I have ridden on dragons, outwitted darkness, eluded death a thousand times . . . I have saved lives, used magic, unraveled deathly secrets that could start wars . . . I have swum with the serpents, flown with the pegasi, howled with the wolves . . . I have stood upon the moon, fought in great battles, discovered new universes . . . I have relived long-gone lives, shaped new destinies, guided the paths of others . . . I have stepped into other worlds, become other creatures, experienced unimaginable things . . . I have lived through wars, living nightmares, the worst of tragedies . . . I have felt the joy, pride, and elation of just—knowing. Knowing the fact that you would never learn what I have. And never have I moved a single inch, as long as I read. Yet you claim that all of this is boring— Boring, stupid, sad, uncool, dumb, even embarrassing. You say that this is something no one can like. And yet, here I stand, holding a book. If you agree with what I have written, copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to make our voices heard: Crystal Silvera, Akronite, Jasminehoran, DarkHorseBlueSky, LililolipopD Today, writers are scorned because of those too unversed to know. Disdained, because of the those too ignorant to believe. Despised, because of the realists who are too afraid to dream. Misunderstood, because others are too unsure to try. But we, as writers, know them to be wrong. A writer is a person who dreams. A writer is a person who wishes. A writer is a person who escapes. A writer is a person who lives. A writer is a person who is not afraid. A writer is a person who strives. A person who expresses. A person who believes. A person who understands. A person who knows. I am a writer. I dream of a world where anything is possible. I wish for a world where war is just a myth. I escape into a world where I can predict the future. I live in a world of joy and mystery. I am not afraid of the world I create. I strivein the world where others give up. I express myself in ways others dare not try. I believe in things others are too afraid to trust. I understandthings others cannot, in a way that others cannot. I know, in ways that others deny. Signed, Azariosiza Leixym, SkullRising Anne Elise 9.0 playa RonnyBravo Game777Guy SusieofAnna Crystal Silvera Jasminehoran DarkHorseBlueSky LililolipopD All credits of this beautiful speech goes to Nic-n'-Nyx. To all other young fiction authors out there. Copy and paste if you wish. It just needs to be said, and needs to be heard; You may be a reject. You may not be smooth with the spoken word. You may be the most popular kid in school. You may be the boss at your office. You may be short or tall or heavy or light or anorexic or white or dark or struck by an unfriendly label. You may be the homeless guy on the corner or the one inside the store signing books as you hand them out. You may listen to Justin Bieber or to Three Days Grace. But what you are is a writer; never doubt the power of what you can do. Tell me, what did you learn more from this year; the President, or the Hunger Games? The senator or Rick Riordan? The public speaker or Clarissa Fray? Your boss or Pi Patel? American Idol or the Twilight Saga? A list of facts or Harry Potter? Which of them stole the most of your time? Which is more well-known? It's the book. Every time. People fail to realize flaws in our society in their own lives, but they see it in District Twelve and in the Capitol. Books make clear what we can't see with the naked eye. Authors are the ones that speak to people's hearts. Writers are the ones people turn to for lessons and entertainment. It's been this way for thousands of years. We are the teachers of every child who opens a book. The themes we write are the themes they learn. We are there in every life, a quiet influence bound in a pretty cover, months' worth of work and reading, colored with imagery built around the lightning rod of an unforgettable plot line. A story spent months reading is memorable more than a speech listened to for just five minutes. I can't name all the leaders of the world right now, nor what they decide to preach about, but I can tell you all the characters from Percy Jackson, and every little thing they taught me. And they are things worth learning. So don't think there's a better way to make a point. Don't think there's a better way to reach your audience. Fiction stories have been striking the hearts of their readers farther back than anyone alive can remember. And striking the heart is what makes literature so different from everything else. Don't ever doubt your ability to show someone something new, to teach them a life lesson, or the importance of what you have to say. Say it in this foreign language everyone knows. Decorate it with characters and light it with sights and smells and sounds and touches and tastes and give it to the public gift-wrapped with your finest effort. Because I guarantee you, someone is bound to hear you clearer than they've heard anyone else before. I hope you've found some words of inspiration. The world needs it desperately. Do us all a favor, all you writers, and come out of hiding. We've had the greatest influence of all over people of the past, and as we act now, we are the ones influencing the future. We have more knives and pens than the BVB Army, more sway in society than the Senate, (whom we have proved this to before), more power than any celebrity you could name. I'm calling on you now. Rise up. I dare you to write something today that readers won't forget. I challenge you to make someone cry with one thin little page of text. I urge, no, I demand you to put something down on paper that'll be copied and produced and remembered for longer than Ancient Mythologies have been. I dare you to slam a revolving door*. I demand you to write a message in the folds of a book and watch how, in awe, people unwrap it. Watch your footprints stand bold against the falling snow and refuse to be covered. It is all possible, I assure you. You have no idea just what power you hold in a pen - or a keyboard - until you use it. And right now, the world needs you to use it more than ever. We, writers, have made history. We were the ones to record it. And that ability has not changed at all, just our awareness and will to use it. We were given the gift language and storytelling for a reason. This is that reason. It's calling. So ask yourself what message you want to send. Ponder about what you want to say. Because the world is listening to us above all other beings currently on this earth. Us, not the movies, not the official-labeled politicians, not the superstars. And it's our job to give it a story worthwhile. What's yours? The Hardest Questions What is time? What is light? What is a person? If you think you can answer these, then you have gotteb them all wrong XP COME TO MY PARTY! THE TIGHTEST PARTY IN THE WORLD! So everyone come. But read the rest of this bulletin first. Come Kick it at The Biggest Party Ever. DETAILS BELOW.. Special Guest: Jesus Christ, God The Father, Featuring DJ Holy Spirit. When: When you enter the Gates of Heaven Where: Kingdom of Heaven How: Just Ask Why: Because God Loves You! ... Come As You Are! Bring Nothing but Your Heart and Soul. 98% OF TEENS WON'T STAND UP FOR GOD... REPOST THIS IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE 2% WHO WILL. Jesus said, "If you deny me in front of your friends, I will deny Repost as COME TO MY PARTY! When life gives you Lemons: When life gives you lemons, it better also give you water and sugar. Otherwise your lemonade is going to really suck. When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and laugh your butt off while everyone tries to figure out how the heck you did it. When life gives you lemons, play with their DNA and make them into SUPER LEMONS! When life gives you lemons, scream, "I wanted LIMES!" When life gives you lemons, keep them. Because hey, free lemons! When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand the Mark of Athena instead. When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye. When life gives you lemons, smile and give thanks. Then, when life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll teach 'im. When life gives you lemons, paint them orange and tell your friend they're a new kind of super sweet orange. When life gives you lemons, make a super biofuel and end global warming. When life gives you lemons, make a biologically engineered virulent air-borne Ha ha, life gave you lemons! I got a bagel! If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. When life gives you Skittles, chuck them at people and yell, "TASTE THE RAINBOW!" Five Rules of Life: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. If you can't join 'em, bribe 'em. If you can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em. If you can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em. If you can't kill 'em, you're screwed. Have an American history teacher explain this… if they can. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Now it gets really weird. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters. Hang on to your seat. Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford'. Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford'. Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. Now here’s the kicker. A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe. Creepy, huh? The Stairs Tripped UP Ever Have You Page if Your On Put This Read it backwards XD Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline! If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to your mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which button to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have a bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you. Repost this if you found this funny, or wish you were the one who recorded the voice mail... Jumping right to the point: REVIEW. Writers –– all of them, from famous authors to subtle FF writers –– ALL depend on the feedback from our readers. Vision Dominican brought up an interesting albeit tragically true idea: "Lack of reviews is the greatest killer of fan fic writers out there. We at the institute wish to let the public know of how they can pitch in to save our dying writers. 1) Drop a review every other chapter. It may not seem like much, but reviews are actually what many of us want to see. That, and hits. Hits do make us happy but we don't really know if people like our story or not. 2) Visit our author page. Those kind of hits really make us happy. It's where we showcase our entourage of friends, beta readers, and stories. Some of us even tidy up with set areas for upcoming story ideas and character bios. 3) Send a personal message. While normally I'd prefer a review, emails are just as good. Really, it warms my heart to communicate with another reader or writer." What you call being "too lazy to review" is what we call "a flame to the pages" as the writers. That one minute or two that you felt "too lazy" to review is another minute of creeping discouragement that all writers feel as they begin to think... "Why am I even here…?" "What's even the point of continuing?" "My skills must be terrible…no one cares for my story…" "I'll never be a good writer...I quit." These are only a few thoughts that go through every writer's head –– that go through MY head –– when we put out a chapter / story with all our heart and soul within, and we sit there…and sit…and wait…and not a single person says even a word. If you're not a writer, you have NO IDEA how much that hurts… If you ARE a writer, then I'm sure you know just how great it feels when someone is kind enough to leave a heartwarming and encouraging review, and you read it, smiling while thinking, "Wow…I did it…" So, why not give fellow writers the same luxury here? Too many times I've seen epic and utterly beautiful works of literary art fall to pieces before finally being abandoned due to the terrible discouragement that the lack of reviews can cause. Sometimes, it is so severe that the very writer himself decides to quit, denying the world his skills of writing that I am sure it would have deeply enjoyed. So… Just one minute, that's all it takes. Just a few gentle taps of the fingers on your keyboard, a few seconds or so of your time, and your words can SAVE a writer from a dark demise. Do me a favor: Go find a story, ANY story, anywhere here on Fanfic,net, and see if you can help it. If it has very little / no reviews at all, just check it out, and say whatever comes to mind. And enjoy the thought in mind that you could have just SAVED that story, with just a few taps of the keyboard… If you agree with what I have said then please copy and paste any part of this story you wish onto your profile. Modify it in any way you see fit; there is no need to use my exact words. You make it say what you want it to say. Thank you so much for reading, and please try to complete the 'mission' I have given you. With just a minute of your time, you could save a writer…so please, do it. Because, my readers… Silence is truly deafening…" The 27 Commandments of Fanfiction, or anything written in general People really need to pay attention to these. They are bolded for a reason. 1. Thou shalt not post a fic until it has been checked for grammar and spelling errors. The fanfiction gods hath given you a spellchecker on the computer for good reason. Use it. 2. Thou shalt not post a chapter of less than 100 words, unless it is a drabble. If thou breakest this rule, this displeases the masses. 3. Thou shalt not put author's notes in the middle of the story. At beginnings and endings are fine. 4. Thou shalt NEVER use text-speak in a fic, unless the characters are actually texting. 5. Thou shalt keep to one tense, and only one, throughout the story. Do not switch randomly. 6. Apply the above number 5 to POVs as well. 7. Thou shalt not get offended when someone makes fun of the crack pairing featured in your fanfiction. It probably is rather hilarious. 8. Thou shalt not use , ;, or :( in a fanfiction to show the emotion exhibited by a character. 9. Thou shall try-eth to keep characters in character! 10. Thou shall not treat every criticism as a flame. 11. The author's note is not a spot for your personal drama, and thou shalt not make it so. 12. Thou shalt not put any form of the phrase "first fic" in thy summary. This turns away the ones who taketh this business seriously. 13. Thy created characters must not have names that exceed five syllables in length. Nor shall thy name have more than five words. 14. Thou shall not insert thyself into the story line as thyself or as a character –– yes, we know that you are in love with yourself and are very narcissistic, we just don’t want to read about how you end up with the main character. 15. If thou art writing a story that does not follow the original story line, point it out in the beginning. 16. Thou shall not make a person randomly smart or powerful unless stating a reason for the change (a good reason). 17. Thou shalt show and not tell. 18. Thou shalt not EVER use the phrase "I suck at summaries" in-est thine summary. This annoys thine readers. 19. Thou shalt not write the same way thou speakest –– writing is an art. 20. Thou shalt ALWAYS spell the word "okay" correctly. Using the letter "K" is an unacceptable compromise. 21. Thou shalt only use clichés when thou a) art writing a parody or b) find a new and interesting twist to make such clichés bearable to thine reader. 22. Thou shalt always separate dialogue from two separate speakers in two separate paragraphs. Otherwise thine readers shalt be confuse-ed. 23. Thou shalt not EVER make a chapter all one paragraph. THIS INFURIATES BOTH THINE READER AND THE FANFICTION GODS. They have given thee an ENTER key with good reason. 24. Thou shalt not write with thy caps lock on. It displeases the masses, causes thy readers to lose their vision, and makes angels weep. 25. Thou shalt know how to spell the character's names correctly before thou writeth the fic. Misspelling the name of the main characters makes readers angry and distracts from the story. 26. Thou shalt not say in thine summary "summary inside". This shows lack of creativity and infuriates the masses. The only exception is when a summary is cut short and a continuation of it lies inside. 27. Thou shalt use paragraphs and space the story so it is not terrifyingly daunting to thine readers. How to Know if You're Addicted to Fanfiction: 10. You no longer refer to comments as "comments." They are now known only as "reviews." 9. Pens are for idiots, and you wouldn't be caught dead with one. How on earth are you supposed to erase when you want to rewrite? 8. You start laughing at the most inopportune times because you remembered something funny from a fanfic. 7. You pretend to take notes, but really you're getting a head start on your latest ficlet/oneshot/idea. 6. Short disclaimers are for losers. Whoever thinks up the craziest gets a cookie. 5. You can't write for English class because you've used up all your ideas for fanfiction. 4. A great story idea isn't a story idea. It's a plot bunny. 3. You hear people talking about a ship (the water variety), and you jump, like, five feet in the air and act like you've never heard the word used outside of the fanfiction context. 2. Whenever something inspiring happens, you screech, "Ooh! Fanfic idea!" and then immerse yourself in writing for the next three hours. 1. You repost this onto your profile! :) OC Quiz!! Step 1: List 8 OCs of yours. Step 2: Answer questions. 1) Who is your favourite? 2) Who is your least favourite? 3) Who is the most developed? 4) Which would you want to date if they magically came to life? 5) If you were stuck in a burning building, what would 3 do? 6) Name one thing you regret about one of your OCs: 7) Which OC would make the best parent? 8) Which of your OCs is most likely to end up in jail? 9) 8 is in the future! What job does he/she have? 10) Name 1's catch-phrase! (If they don't have one make it up) 11) Do all your OCs live together? 12) Are there any pairings in your OC listing? 13) 7 switches bodies with you. How do they react at the end of the day? 14) Now randomly select an OC from your list! 15) That OC you just chose? They think they're Superman and is about to jump off a building, what happens? 16) Would 2 prefer the beach or the mountains? 17) Would 1 battle a shark? 18) Which OCs hate each other? 19) Which OC did you create first? And last? 20) If those two were fighting, who would win? 21) What are 1 and 2's favourite foods? 22) 2 and 8 meet each other. What would happen? 23) If 4, 5, 6 and 7 went out drinking, what would happen? 24) What would be the weirdest pairing? Rules must choose only ONE of your OCs. Do it again if you wanna use another OC. The Name Game YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle) Celizzle YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fave color and fave animal) Electric Purple Bunny YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street name) Marie Bean YOUR NOBODY NAME: (letters of your first name scrambled, with an X wherever you want it) elicen YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, last 3 letters of mom's maiden name) Sweceard YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink) Green Red Bull (imagine if it was Red Red Bull) YOUR ARAB NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of you dad's middle name, 1st letter of a sibling's first name, last letter of your mom's middle name) Eerasae YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother's middle name) Marie YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one your pets) Black Lady. This has got to be one of the most clever brainteasers I've ever seen. Someone out there either has too much spare time, or is really good at Scrabble. DORMITORY ASTRONOMER DESPERATION MOTHER IN LAW THE EYES THE MORSE CODE SLOT MACHINES ELECTION –– RESULTS SNOOZE ALARMS A DECIMAL POINT THE EARTHQUAKES PRESBYTERIAN GEORGE BUSH ANIMOSITY ELEVEN PLUS TWO Ladies and gentlemen, skinny and stout One bright day in the middle of the night A blind man came to watch fair play He lived on the corner in the middle of the block He crashed through the wall without making a sound I watched from my corner of the big round table If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world. After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he’d prefer six months of hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Dearest creature in creation, English Pronunciation by G. Nolst Trenité Take 3 minutes and try this...it will freak you out...BUT NO CHEATING! This game has a funny/spooky outcome.Don't read ahead...just do it in order! It's worth a try. First..get a pen and paper. When you actually choose names, make sure it's people you actually know and go with your first instinct. Scroll down one line at a time...and don't read ahead or you'll ruin it! 1. First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column. 2. Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write down any two numbers you want .3. Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex .4. Write anyone's name (like friends or family...) in the 4th, 5th, and 6th spots. 5. Write down four song titles in 8,9,10, and 11. (Go with your instincts!) 6. Finally, make a wish. And now the key for the game... 1. You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game. 2. The person in space 3 is the one that you love. 3. The person in 7 is one you like but can't work out .4. You care most about the person you put in 4. 5. The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well .6. The person you name in 6 is your lucky star. 7. The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3. 8. The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7. 9. The tenth space is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.10. 11 is the song telling you how you feel about life NOW...post this bulletin (don't reply) within the hour. IF you do, your wish will come true...If you don't it will become the opposite. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterdayof a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift. The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter . In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. You say Twilight I say Rise of the Guardians You say vampires I say Guardians You say Jacob Black I say Pitch Black (who cares if they have nothing in common?) You say Team Edward I say Team Jack You say Robert Pattison is hot I say Chris Pine is HOTTER (in either his animated Frosty form or his Star Trek form; if I cared I'd say so) You think Bella and Edward are the perfect dream couple? I beg to differ... it's so Rainbow Snowcone You say Edward I say Bunnymund... beat that, punk Never seen Twilight, nor read the books, nor care a crap. If I got something wrong, tell me and I will grin with pride and mischief. Copy and paste if you think that our Guardians are better! Harry Potter vs. Twilight In Harry Potter if vampires walk into the sun they die. In Twilight if vampires walk into the sun they sparkle. In Harry Potter werewolves are awesome and actually kill people. In Twilight werewolves are pedophiles. In Harry Potter the main character travels to a magical school in Scotland. In Twilight the main character has a 109 year old virgin watching them sleep. In Harry Potter the villain is a bald guy with a snake called Voldemort. In Twilight the villains are posh vampires that have crazy plans and end up getting killed by Edward every time. In Harry Potter the main character chooses the hot ginger over the emotional Chinese girl. In Twilight the main character chooses the sparkling vampire over the sexy werewolf with abs. In Harry Potter when the man Hermione Granger loved left her she continued to search for the horcruxes so they could defeat Voldemort and save the wizarding world. In Twilight when the man Bella loved left her she went numb for months and then jumped of a cliff. In Harry Potter Robert Patterson dies. In Twilight Robert Patterson lives. Now try and tell me with a straight face that Twilight is better than Harry Potter, impossible isn't it. To bring this home I'll finish with a song: Jingle bells Twilight smells Edward ran away Bella died Jacob cried POTTER ALL THE WAY!!!!! Copy and paste if you think Harry Potter is better than Twilight! Professor Flitwick … does not know where Snow White is. Professor Snape … has no wish to get in touch with his ‘feminine side’. Professor Lupin … has no need for a flea collar. Ever. Professor Moody … the best ‘teaching’ Hogwarts has seen in a while. Professor McGonagall … does not take herself too seriously. It is a bad idea to tell her. Professor Dumbledore … should be referred to as ‘Professor’, ‘Headmaster’ or ‘Sir’, not ‘Dude’, ‘My Leige’ or ‘Tim the Enchanter’. Harry Potter … is more Emo than Draco Malfoy. Draco Malfoy … disagrees. Hermione Granger … has PMS and a wand. Ron Weasley … is very afraid. Luna Lovegood … is perfectly sane, thank you very much. Ginny Weasley … wants her Hogwarts toilet seat. Fred Weasley … knows if he and his twin giggle at an idea for more than fifteen seconds, they may assume that it’s against the rules and therefore should not carry it out. George Weasley … knows he and his twin will carry it out and are not remotely sorry. Lily Evans … swears she is not in love with James Potter. James Potter … doesn’t believe her. Remus Lupin … would prefer less jokes about ‘his time of the month’. Sirius Black … killed by drapery. Andromeda Black … is going to marry a muggle – screw the consequences. Bellatrix Black … is quietly going insane. Narcissa Black … would like a new hairbrush. Lucius Malfoy … does not like to be referred to as ‘Luscious Mouthful’. Voldemort … does not think it would be funny if HP were to put on earmuffs and pulled out a mandrake in his presence. Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo. This is the longest, grammatically correct, non-punctuated sentence that one can make with only one word. Buffalo can mean: 1) prop. noun- a city in New York 2) noun- an animal 3) verb- to pester, annoy, or confuse To make sense of this, replace definition two with 'people' and definition three with 'intimidate.' Buffalo people (whom) Buffalo people intimidate (also) intimidate Buffalo people. Courtesy of William J. Rapaport from the University of (where else?) Buffalo! A student got a 0% on the following exam even when he didn't get anything wrong. How is that? Q1: In which battle did Napoleon die? A: In his last battle Q2: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? A: At the bottom of the paper Q3: The River Ravi flows in which state? A: Liquid Q4: What is the main reason for divorce? A: Marriage Q5: What is the main reason for failure? A: Exams Q6: What can you never eat for breakfast? A: Lunch and dinner Q7: What looks like half an apple? A: The other half Q8: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become? A: Wet Q9: How can a man go eight days without sleeping? A: He sleeps at night Q10: How can you lift an elephant with one hand? A: You will never find an elephant that only has one hand Q11: It took eight men ten hours to build a wall. How long will it take four men to build it? A: No time at all. The wall is already built. Q12: How can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it? A: Any way you want. Concrete floors are very hard to crack. Friends will make plans with your parents before they come to your house. Best friends will barge through the door and yell, “I’M HOME!” Friends will bring you your homework when you’re home sick. Best friends will stuff it down a paper shredder for you and then blame it on their dog. Friends will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. Best friends will kick the whole crowd’s butt that left you. Friends ask you to write down your number for them. Best friends have you on speed dial. Friends have to be told not to tell anyone. Best friends already know not to tell. Friends will help you when you’re lost. Best friends will give you bad directions and screw with your compass. Friends will go with you to a concert. Best friends will help you kidnap the band. Friends will hide you from the cops. Best friends are probably the reason they are after you. Friends will bail you out of prison. Best friends will be sitting next to you saying, “We screwed up, didn't we? But dang... that was awesome!" Friends will find you your Prince Charming. Best friends will find him, kidnap him, and then bring him to you. Friends will comfort you when he breaks up with you. Best friends will call him and whisper into the receiver, “Seven days…” Friends will help you learn how to drive. Best friends will help you roll the car into the lake so you can collect the insurance. Friends borrow your stuff for a few days and then return it. Best friends have had your stuff for so long they’ve forgotten it’s yours. Friends will leave when they feel insulted. Best friends will forgive you even if you don’t know what you said wrong. Friends will ask you if you’re okay when you’re crying. Best friends will cry with you and then go beat up the sorry loser who made you cry. Friends will offer you a soda. Best friends will dump theirs on you. Friends will console you when your house catches on fire. Best friends will roast marshmallows and flirt with the firemen. Friends will ask, “Hey, are you okay?” Best friends will load up their shotgun before you can tell them what's wrong. Friends tell you that you look nice. Best friends will tell you that your outfit looks like puke and help you find a new one ten minutes before school starts. Friends say "good luck" when you go get your ears pierced. Best friends help pick out your studs, take before and after pictures of your earlobes, and then put up with the unending questions and mirror-staring. Friends roll their eyes when you start rambling yet again about your boyfriend (the fourth time that night). Best friends start rambling with you. Friends smile amusedly when you get obsessed with something. Best friends get obsessed with you. Friends say "See you later!" Best friends say "I LUUUUUUUUUHHHHHVVVV you!!! DON'T LEEEEEAVVVE!" and tackle/hugs you. Friends forgive you. Best friends hold a fake grudge against you until you let them borrow a hair band. Friends tell jokes with you. Best friends have countless inside jokes with you. Friends will help you move. Best friends will help you move the bodies. Friends meet your boyfriend and say "Nice to meet you." Best friends meet your boyfriend and scare the crap out of him by threatening to break every bone in his body if he hurts you. Friends think you’re insane for jumping off a roof onto a trampoline. Best friends are jumping right after you. Friends come over every couple of months for a sleepover. Best friends are your weekend boarders. Friends are shy around your boyfriend. Best friends will tease him until he blushes redder than a fire truck. Friends call you crazy for running through the bleachers yelling, “IT’S PICKLE TIME!” Best friends say, "NO. IT'S CUCUMBER TIME!" and then run with you. Friends will be crying at your funeral. Best friends will be sitting in jail for killing the guy who murdered you. Friends will ignore this. Best friends will repost this crap! 7 Ways to scare your roommates 7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..." 6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. 5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks. 4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan. 3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich?" Complain loudly that you're hungry. 2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?" 1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No. I want to watch them suffer." To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "AMEN!" 5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'. 7.Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'. 9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' 18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!' 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' 20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity . Copy and Paste this To Make People who read bios Smile :) Fun things to do on the elevator! 1.) Smack your forehead while muttering, "Shut up, shut up, all of you just shut UP!" 2.) Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 3.) Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside, and ask, "Got enough air in there?" 4.) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down. 5.) Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off. 6.) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open up by themselves. 7.) Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral. 8.) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 9.) Meow occasionally. 10.) Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly. 11.) Say "DING" at each floor. 12.) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 13.) Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to the other passengers "through" it. 14.) Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons. 15.) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 16.) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on." 17.) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?" 18.) Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 19.) Try to make a personal call on the emergency phone. 20.) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space." 21.) When there's only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you. 22.) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 23.) Try to order pizza from the emergency phone. 24.) Ask if you can push the buttons for people but push the wrong ones. 25.) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg, how's your day been?" 26.) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's MINE!" 27.) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift. 28.) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 29.) Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the other passengers. 30.) Swat at flies that don't exist. 31.) Offer to sell "preowned" gum to other passengers. 32.) Shout, "I love this song!" and start tapping your foot and humming the tune –– when no music is being played. 33.) Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, and run back on. 34.) Call out randomly, "GROUP HUG!" then enforce it. 35.) Bring a dead light bulb on board, wait a few seconds, then hold it up and say ominously, "The sun. It is dying." 36.) Argue with yourself. 37.) Keep your finger on (but not necessarily in) your nose at all times. 38.) Put an ice cream cone on your head and say out of the blue, "I'm a beautiful unicorn!" 39.) Drop a coin. When someone goes to pick it up, loudly rip a piece of construction paper and watch their reaction. Most people will check to see if they ripped their pants. 40.) Look around and ask, "Where's the bathroom?" –– especially on long trips. 41.) Stare up at the ceiling, smile, and wave. Make sure one of the other passengers is looking your way. 42.) Blurt out random lines from asdf. 43.) Ask "Are we there yet?" three seconds after the doors close. 44.) Bring one of those tiny battery powered fans, hold it in front of your face, and sing, "I believe I can fly..." 45.) If someone starts talking to you, say, "Lo siento, no hablo ingles..." 46.) Use a banana like a phone and talk into it like nothing is wrong. 47.) If someone asks if you're okay, ask if they want fries with that. 48.) Finish all sentences with, "In Accordance To The Prophecy". 49.) Place a whoopie cushion right by the doors. 50.) Talk to an avocado and call it a mango. 51.) Ask people if they want to go to Neverland and give them the entire Peter Pan summary of how to get there. 52.) Cry. When someone asks if there's something wrong, say in a sniffly voice, "I just lost my sheep! And I don’t know where to find them! I just hope *sniffle* that if I leave them alone, they'll come home, bringing their tails behind them." 53.) Bet the other passengers that you can fit a quarter in your nose. 54.) Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body." 55.) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on. 56.) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. 57.) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play. 58.) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking. 59.) Ask suddenly, "Did you feel that?" 60.) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. 61.) When the doors close, announce to the other passengers, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again." 62.) Tell people that you can see their aura. 63.) Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 64.) When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh no, not now... motion sickness!" 65.) On long trips, frown and mutter repetitively, "Gotta go, gotta go", and then sigh and say, "Whoops. Never mind." 66.) Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 67.) Leave a box between the doors. 68.) Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 69.) If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!" 70.) Bring a chair along. 71.) While the doors are opening, hurriedly and loudly whisper, "Hide it... quick!" then whistle innocently. 72.) Ask if anyone wants to hear you recite poetry. Don't make the words rhyme. 73.) Let your cell phone ring. Don't answer it. 74.) When the doors close, sigh and say, "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days." 75.) Take off shoes before entering. Look shocked when no one else does. 76.) Congratulate all for being on the same lift as you. 77.) Ask people what floor they want, then raise an eyebrow and ask, "Is that your final answer?” 78.) Dress up in a long black cloak with a hood, stare at everyone, and in a deep voice announce, "It is time..." 79.) When getting off, get emotional. Hug everyone and tell them that you will never forget them. 80.) Before getting off, give a random person a briefcase and whisper, "You know what to do." Walk out without another word. 81.) Say, when there are more than eight people on board, "I know you are all wondering why I have gathered you here." 82.) Ask other passengers if they know when the undead squirrels will rise. 83.) Recite an entire movie. It matters not what it is. 84.) Start reciting the alphabet backwards. Every time, skip X, stop at T, say, "Darn! Forgot X! Start over!" and repeat. 85.) Shave. 86.) Read an invisible book. If someone asks why you are holding your hands like that or if you're okay, say, "Shh! I'm at a good part!" and turn the imaginary page. 87.) Play Angry Birds on your phone. Turn the volume up all the way. Freak out and start to cry if you don't pass a level. 88.) When wearing a watch, tap a person on the shoulder with the hand that has the watch and ask if they know the time. If they point out that you're wearing a watch, pretend that you don't know what they're talking about. 89.) Set your watch timer to go off. When it goes off, pretend like you don't hear it and let it beep. 90.) Ask people if they want to see your secret freckle. 91.) When the elevator is going down, holler, "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!" 92.) Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket". 93.) Occasionally bleat like a sheep. 94.) Ask people, "Did you wear deodorant today?" 95.) Have a (fake) conversation on your phone in a whisper voice while in the back of the elevator, then suddenly break out in an evil laugh (MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!), following it with, "Ah, Judson. You do come up with the most evil schemes, no?" 96.) When standing near a "high class" person, ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off." 97.) Recite the first 4,000 decimal places of pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too. 98.) Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweatpants. 99.) Start singing the alphabet song. If no one sings with you (which they will not) insist, "Everyone knows that song. Are you stupid?" 100.) Look at your hand in amazement and say, "Whoa, I never knew I had this!" 101.) Before getting on the elevator, put powdered sugar in your hair. When on the elevator (and while standing next to someone, preferably another "high class" person) scratch your head a lot. Ways to annoy people at the movie theater Go, "Oooooh. . . " whenever anyone kisses. Clap when the good guy gets killed. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?" Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!" Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes. Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding. Yell out what is going to happen. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away. Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible friend already is. Use empty chairs next to you as catapults with candy. Aim at specific people behind you and see if you can hit anyone in the back row. Wear 3D glasses. Complain loudly how bad the effects are. Bring a flashlight. In the middle of the film do shadow puppets on the ceiling. Bring a remote control. Complain that you can't change the channel. Sit front row, the minute the movie starts run out screaming. Every time a character's name is mentioned do the Richmeister. (for a guy named Nick say, the Nickmeister, the Nickenator, Nickarino. . . ) Bring a beach ball. Toss it around. Try to start a wave. Sit in the back and throw eggs at the projection window. Every time someone curses cover your ears and scream, "No profanity!" Sing with the theme music. Bring and use your own air freshener. At the ticket booth, request tickets for really old movies, "I'll have two tickets for the Goonies. " Throw spit wads on the screen. Try throwing them on the upper part of the screen so they can't get scraped off. Pass around a collection plate and see if anyone contributes. Point a laser pointer at the screen. Give the audience a laser light show. Use binoculars. Stare at the audience rather than the movie. Bring a Nintendo laser gun. Shoot at the screen. Clap loudly every time a person walks into the theater late. When someone kicks the back of your chair, scream, "Ahhh, whiplash!" Ask what the theater's return policy on popcorn is. Start a standing ovation at the end of the movie. Quote all dialogue 4 seconds after it is said on the screen. Every time there is a gun shot scream, "Hit the floor!", jump on the floor, and cover your head. Wear one of those "cat in the hat" top hats. Play musical chairs, getting up frequently and moving right next to someone sitting by themself. Bring your own beanbag chair and sit in the aisle. Before the movie begins, tape fart cushions to various chairs in the theater room. Bring a portable air popper, pop your own popcorn. Bring a water gun and shoot it at anyone who begins talking then say very loudly, "SHH!" Before the commercials start and people are just coming in, shout so that people outside can hear, "I'M SO VERY SORRY! YOU'RE TOO LATE!" Tie a cardboard box around your waist and walk up and down the aisles shouting "Get your popcorn, peanuts!" Cough really loudly right at the most important part of the movie, so nobody can hear it, like when the killer's name is going to be said. Laugh hysterically during the sad parts in the movie, cry during the funny ones. Bring a pager or cellphone and set them off every 5 minutes, you can also set off a watch alarm if you have a loud one. Say "Shhhhh" every 5 minutes. Pass by a room that's showing a movie you've already seen, put your head into the room, and scream the end. Pick one character (particularly a major character) and mirror everything that the character does. 25 Ways to Annoy the Pizza Guy 1. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. 2. Ask for extra homo-sapien 3. Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 4. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 5. Ask them if you get a free date with one of the staff if you make an order over 30. 6. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 7. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. 8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 9. Order a one-inch pizza. 10. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 11. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 12. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue. 13. Change your accent every three seconds. 14. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word." 15. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. 16. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 17. Imitate the order taker's voice. 18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs. 19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 20. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 21. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." 22. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. 23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 24. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." 25. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 50 AWESOME WAYS TO MAKE YOUR TEACHER WANNA BACKHAND YOU!!! 1. Walk into the classroom like a super spy. (keep your back on the walls as you walk, point your finger up like a gun, look around with shifty eyes, hum the mission impossible theme, etc.) 2. After everything your teacher says, ask why continuously. 3. If your teacher is yelling at a classmate, wait for them to finish their tantrum then ask” DOES SOMEBODY NEED A HUG??” very loudly. 4. If your teacher starts blowing up at you for saying that, simply reply, “wow I can tell you’re a blast at parties” 5. Sit in a corner and wait for everyone to stare at you. When they do, grab your head and scream “ THE LIGHT! MAKE IT STOP! ARGH IT BURNS!!” 6. Flick pieces of paper around the class. 7. When your teacher tells you to stop, cross your arms and say, “Your racist against paper aren’t you.” 8. Don’t do your Homework. 9. When your teacher asks you why you didn’t do your homework say “I dropped it while beating up this guy for saying you’re the worst teacher ever.” then sit there and smile sweetly. 10. When you have a substitute teacher, wait for them to write their name on the board. Then when they say hello my name is Mr./Mrs (insert name here), you stand up and say “PROVE IT!” 11. When your teacher asks why you were late say, “My goldfish died.” Then burst into tears. 12. When handing in your homework, write "This paper will self-destruct in 5 seconds." at the bottom. 13. When you leave the class bow and say, “May the force be with you, young one.” 14. When the teacher turns the light off, start singing opera as loud as you can. When they turn the light back on, look around pretending to be confused. 15. Whisper to the person next to you. When the teacher comes up behind you, scream “OMG GET AWAY! RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!!” 16. Walk into class dancing the Macarena 17. Tell your teacher you heard the other teachers talking about him/her in the staff room 18. Raise your hand and say "I totally agree!" after everything your teacher says 19. Spend the whole lesson trying to lick your elbow 20. Speak in French. 21. Come late to class in a Spider-Man costume; say there was "a disturbance” 22. When they tell someone to turn around have everyone in class do it as well 23. "The homework’s due now? Oh, give me a minute then." 24. Hand in an essay where every word is misspelt. 25. Run in the room screaming, “THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!” 26. When the teacher asks you why you are late, say, “The queen is never late, everyone else is simply early." 27. When a teacher asks you a question, say, “I’m sorry, the brain you tried to reach has been disconnected, please leave me alone or try again later, thank you.” 28. When the teacher turns on the overhead projector, scream “AAH MY EYES!!” 29. Tell yourself knock-knock jokes, then laugh loads. 30. Hide under your desk and yell “THE SKY IS FALLING!” 31. When someone knocks on the door, shout “OH NO, THEY’RE COMING FOR ME!” 32. Bring in a 4th Grader and says he’s your new pet. 33. In your technology lesson, when the teacher asks you what you are making, say a nuclear bomb. 34. When your teacher asks you a question, just stare at them. 35. Constantly talk to yourself in a low voice. 36. Purposely fall off your chair and make a big scene about it. 37. If you’re playing a really boring game, make a big deal if you win. 38. Glue all their scissors together. 39. Make paperclip jewelery. I.e. necklaces, earrings, etc… 40. Pull out one strand of someone’s hair and yell “DNA!” 41. Wear a sticker or a badge that says ‘I am retarded’ 42. Talk to a pen. 43. Put your hand up in a test and wait for your teacher to come over. When they whisper what’s wrong, yell “NO I WON’T MAKE OUT WITH YOU AFTER CLASS!” 44. Yell “LIAR!” to everything they say. 45. Smile. All the time. 46. Draw a tiny black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, “It’s spreading, IT’S SPREADING!” 47. When a substitute teacher is taking attendance, say everyone is missing. Then, if they ask who you are, say ‘Your worst Nightmare’ 48. When you know the answer, bounce up and down and go "OOOHH I KNOW THIS!!" 49. When a teacher calls on you say, "I forgot" to every question she asks. 50. If you have to blow your nose in class, blow your nose to the tune of your favorite song. 16 ways to perplex, confuse or just scare people in a Computer Lab 1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "NO!!! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour. 4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily. 5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 10. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 11. Type on Chatroullette for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 12. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting. 13. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 14. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 15. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 16. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. 20 Things To Do When You Drive Through A Drive Thru! 1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order. 2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for. 3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands. 4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight. 5. Pay for a large order in pennies. 6. Drive in circles around the drive through, ordering just one item of your order each time you pass the window. For added fun, change clothes, hairstyles, glasses and fake beards with each pass. 7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on. 8. Leave a big 4 litre bottle of ketchup on your dashboard. When asked if you would like ketchup with your meal, laugh sadistically for a few seconds, then adopt a serious expression and gesture to the bottle on your dashboard. 9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box. 10. Drive up to the window. Then, without saying anything, produce a tape-measure. Measure all aspects of the window, make a note of the measurements in a notebook, then drive off. 11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come out, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?" 12. When asked if they can take your order say, "No." Then wind up your window and just sit there staring straight ahead. 13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you. 14. Order 10 large milkshakes. When they arrive, get out of your car, open the bonnet and pour 9 of the milkshakes into the oil filler. Place the remaining milkshake onto the pavement, and stare solemnly at it for three or four minutes with your head bowed. Then drive off. Circle the block for 1 minute, then drive back and do it again. 15. When asked to pay for your order produce a huge bucket of pennies. Attempt to hand the heap of change to the cashier, but 'accidentally' drop it all over the pavement. Spend 10-15 minutes picking it all up, then when you have collected it all, pay by credit card. 16. Attempt to barter for your food. Offer CDs, Cassettes or anything else you have in your car (including friends and family members). 17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene. 18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it. 19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare. 20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line. What High School Musical has Taught Us (Or at least the ones who actually pay attention...) 1. If you wish to show your inability or dislike for dancing, it's perfectly reasonable to break out in a dance number. 2. College? It's not important, as long as you can hang out with your friends. 3. If your love is strong enough, fireworks will go off, and lanterns will fly away as you and your boyfriend kiss. 4. Playing sports is a hint that it's time to break into song. 5. Don't worry about being rude/mean because in the end things will work out for you. 6. School spirit is a must. Especially during the summer. 7. Your friends are not human and should always be addressed by the name of their school mascot. 8. Yes! You can paint your locker pink! Screw the school board. 9. You can be a chef, lifeguard, or golf assistant...no experience needed! 10. A guy can never wear too much bronzer. 11. Lakes are the equilivant of mirrors. They can show your reflection perfectly! 12. It is possible to memorize a 3 minute song over the course of 30 seconds...and sing it perfectly! 13. It doesn't matter that you're not a staff member... You can still attend any and all staff events. 14. The phrase 'more moves than an octopus in a wrestling match' is something that can be used in everyday conversation 15. There are two bells that get you out of school. The first one tells you to start singing and dancing, the second announces you should stop. 16. Even though its the last day of school, its okay to leave stuff in the locker for the summer. 17. If your family is 'saving pennies' for your college education and gives you a junky truck to drive because they 'can't afford anything else', it is normal for their kitchen to have expensive granite counter tops and a $7,000 fridge. 18. Pianos can float now. Go ahead, try it. 19. It's perfectly acceptable for a guy to wear girl's capris. 20. If you're upset, just run through a golf course, jumping and spinning, while singing 'Bet on it'...you won't fall at any point, and no one will stop and think 'what the flip?'. 21. You can send telepathic messages to your mom to tell her to pick you up just as you're finishing your breakup song with your boyfriend. 22. A resort can be highly successful when there are way more employees than guests. 23. 'And she stepped on the ball' is actually quite funny. You just need to put it into context. 24. One family can apparently control an entire city, including all educational institutions in the area. 25. It's good manners to refer to your mother as a 'backstabber' 26. Turkey imported from Maine is much better than any other turkey. In fact, it's fabulous... 27. Apparently, it is now possible to hire an entire high school to be the staff at an upscale country club. 28. Iced tea from England is blue 29. Water Bug is a really cute, funny, and romantic pet name. -gags- Gah, my god, Rowsely... 30. Being a teenage paparazzi at school and taking multiple pictures of the same two people is not weird or creepy in any way 31 .When your girlfriend tells you that your shoes don't match your tie, you must do a stupid looking surfer move to see if she's right, you can't just look down. 32. Take two small saucepan lids and bang them together. You'll find they make the exact same sound as a large GONG. Go on, have a go. 33. It IS possible to have any object in the world come in pink & engraved with your initials. 34. If you are the basketball star of your school, you can get yourself, as well as the rest of the school, summer jobs. 35. Lava Springs apparently had no employees, since they had to hire a whole new staff. 36. Don't change your friends, change your dreams. 37. 'What team?' 'Wildcats!''GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!' can fix any problem. 38. Basketball scholarships at the University of Albuquerque depend completely on your musical performance skills 39. Guitars and speaker equipment can be placed near a pool safely. 40.When you frolic with your girlfriend in the golf course, you get in trouble. When you frolic by yourself and sing, nothing happens, of course. BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING A GIRL 1.We got off the Titanic first 2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. 3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. 4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 5. We can cry and get off speeding fines. 6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game. 7. Taxis stop for us. 8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point). 11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. 12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay. 13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. 15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. 16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt. 18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. 19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. 21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. 22. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. 25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. 26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 27. We'll never regret piercing our ears. 28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. 29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. 30. We can wear guy clothes, but if they wear ours they get funny looks 31. At least one girl always survives in horror movies 32. We can put cotton between our toes and paint our nails without feeling the least bit silly 33. Our magazines have horoscopes 34. Girls with guy first names like Taylor sound cool, but it doesn't work the other way around 35. Our friends don't say "hi" by punching us in the arm 36. Yes PMS sucks, but at least we have an excuse to lay around eating chocolate once a month 37. Make-up covers any imperfections we may have 38. If we flirt with a cop, we can get out of a speeding ticket 39. Girl Talk... you know, the way we all just understand each other without having to explain a thing. 40: We can hit guys legally, but when THEY hit US, it's illegal. Copy & Paste this on your profile if you love being a girl. :D You know you live in the 21st century when... 1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave 2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years 3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have a myspace or facebook. 4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV. 6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job. 7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling. 8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends. 9.) You were too busy to notice number 5. 10.) You scrolled back to see if there was a number 5. 11.) Now you're laughing at yourself stupidly. 12.) Put this on your profile if you fell for that, and y THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR WHILE UNDERGOING SURGERY: 1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy." 2. "Someone call the janitor — we're going to need a mop." 3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness..." 4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!" 5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?" 6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingy." 7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex." 8. "Whoops...hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?" 9. "There go the lights again..." 10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them." 11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?" 12. "Oops!" Random Shite Girl: Hey Lil, I need some advice Turtle's Can Swim ! I Can Swim ! ThereFore I Am A Turtle :) The cat is cuter than you ya ugly Bitch Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car We are Microsoft, Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me. I don’t care, I don’t have to. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. - George Carlin A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of. - Burt Bacharach If you can’t convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. The word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’ 0 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch You laugh because I'm different... I laugh cause I just farted! Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling. What do you mean, my birth Cert expired? After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse. When Life gives you lemons, throw them at someone! It takes a lot of brains to look as dumb as I do. I sat back looking at the stars and began to think... where the hell is my roof... When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how the * you did it. My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone. The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not. Do not take life too seriously; no on gets out alive. Men are like slinkies. They bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs. You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder, you get hit in the nuts, i bust a * gut. I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly. Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why. I don't have a dog... I eat my own homework. I'm not random, I just have many tho- OH A SQUIRREL! I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you *! Don't knock on death's door ring the bell and run he hates that. While at hogwarts i wil not : ask harry if his scar sences are tingling. While at hogwarts i wil not : sing off to see the wizard when sent to the headmasters office. It takes 42 muscles to frown,28 muscles to smile,but only 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone. Education is important, school however, is another matter. Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls. Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over. You can't spell 'funeral' without 'fun', nor 'manslaughter' without 'laughter'. Lead me not into temptation...I can find it myself. Everything in this room is eatable. Even I am eatable. But that, my dear children, is cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies. I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away. When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS! Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate. No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me. I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. There are people in Africa that can't afford sarcasm, and yet, you abuse it. I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me. One day, will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject Some people say, "I'm Ballin' not Stallin'" do they even know what it means? Ballin' means sexin', and Stallin' means you're stalking someone. Just telling you what some words mean. ;] Boys suck, girls blow ;] When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give LililolipopD lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!” Things to see before you die 1. A vegetarian be eaten by an animal. 2. An emo kid talk about happy bunnies. 3. Homer say something intelligent. 4. Taxes disappear. 5. Voldemort destroy one of his Horcruxes. (Check) 6. Micheal Jackson be stalked by children. (maybe not) 7. Children take over class and teach teacher in child subjects, such as: armpit farts, skate-boarding, real music, ect. 8. Wrestling people forget their moves. 9. The coyote catch the road runner. 10. The reaction of the teen population if Abercrombie was closed and it was illegal to wear their clothing. 11. Ten year olds doing it A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. Fred Allen Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. H.L. Mencken A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. Author Unknown A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Attributed to Arthur McBride Bloch A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't. Author Unknown If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Schulz All generalizations are bad. R.H. Grenier All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. Tom Waits, Small Change Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. P.J. O'Rourke How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? Nigel Rees If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey." Robert Brault, I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. George Ade An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. William Castle If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me. Song title by Jimmy Buffet Man was predestined to have free will. Hal Lee Luyah Maybe this world is another planet's hell. Aldous Huxley Murphy was an optimist. O'Toole's Commentary The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. Nicholas Chamfort The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good. Robert Graves The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. Douglas Adams The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes Today is the last day of some of your life. Author Unknown Without geography, you're nowhere. Author Unknown It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. Author Unknown You can't have everything... where would you put it? Steven Wright Favourite songs: Wrecking ball - Miley Cyrus La La La - Naughty boy ft Sam Smith Stay - Rihanna Monster - Rihanna ft Eminem So What - Pink Just give me a Reason Pink - ft Nate Ruess Radioactive - Imagine Dragons On Top of the World - Imagine Dragons It's time - Imagine Dragons Chandelier - Sia Only Love Can hurt like this - Paloma Faith Please don't stop the music - Rihanna My Immortal - Evanesce Beethovens 2nd - Ludwig Van Beethoven Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis You Know You're a Writer When: Every time you hear a song, you think of a new story or one you've already written. You have the last chapters of a story done before even thinking of the characters names. You often imagine your books becoming movies. Spell check is your best friend. You give even the smallest of characters a huge background, often mentally. You hesitate before killing of one of your favorite characters. You smile really big when you are going to finally write a character love scene. (Well, it depends on the character...) Every time you read something, you make your own story of the same thing. You'll spend an hour trying to find one word cause you won't dare use a synonym. Not being able to write is like not being able to pee to you... you just can't hold it in for so long. You write so fast, you leave out words in a sentence. You have to tell at least one person your whole story before it's even written. Things that are written badly annoy you and make you want to re-write it better. You laugh at jokes you wrote yourself. You can spell words like 'troublesome' but can't spell 'the' half the time. If you are not writing or typing, your fingers are moving constantly. You talk to yourself... constantly. You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. When you have to write some sort of story in class, you get carried away. You would rather die than use words like 'good' or 'nice' and etc. You put off the last chapter of a story simply because you don't want it to end. You start to cry when writing about a death or other depressing event you knew was coming, and you are the one writing it. When on a roll, you will ignore hunger, sleepiness, or the urge to pee until you run out of ideas. If a story, movie, show, etc. finishes without closure, you have a powerful need to write a suitable ending. You like to fidget, tap, or chew on the tip of something when you are trying to come up with a new sentence, paragraph, chapter, or story. You are in love with the thesaurus. You dream about your stories. You dream of new stories. You often revisit some of your old stories. Someone can call your name twenty times without you hearing if you're writing. You would rather talk to the voices in your head than the person sitting next to you. You would rather write than go out. Your/you're and their/there/they're errors send you into an apoplectic fit. You get cranky if you don't get to write. You've heard/seen something, and thought, I need to write that down. You wake up in the middle of the night and scrabble for a pen and paper you keep next to your bed to write down a scene to make the voices be quiet so you can get some sleep. Getting the scene finished is more important than coffee, the bathroom, or food. A blank wall becomes the screen where the scene you're writing takes place right in front of your eyes. You can't write because you're mad at one of your characters. Following up on the previous statement, the feeling is often mutual. You start to laugh out loud in public at what something your character might say. Even though you try your hardest to resist, you often correct your own grammar on IM. You talk to yourself about talking to yourself too much. Your family/friends have come to the ignore the habit of your talking to yourself. You've apologized out loud to a character after doing something horrible to them. After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that which comes from above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow, this stuff is great for sugar highs..." You live off sugar and caffeine. People think you're insane. You think you're insane. You check your e-mail every day of the week one week, and then disappear off the face of the earth the next. Your e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random. When replying to an e-mail, you never actually address the point of it. No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper. The letters on your keyboard are wearing off. The letters on your keyboard are splattered with nail polish and/or food from all of those times you were too lazy to get up. Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome. People think you have ADD. You think it'd be cool to have ADD. You constantly start talking in the third person, present or past tense. You start thinking about making lists like this and start laughing for no "apparent" reason. Your friends stopped looking at you funny a loooooooong time ago. However, the above does not apply to the general public. You failed English 101. Rules to follow if you want to be a successful Evil Overlord: My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. Shooting is not too good for my enemies. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him, then say "No." After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum –– a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way –– even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless –– my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. All naïve, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This," and kill the advisor. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess's cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.) If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical." If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button." I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again. After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.) If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45 MB in size. To keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency. I will never accept a challenge from the hero. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!" If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue. If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago. Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise. Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track. Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach. Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.) My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.) If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red. Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget. The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.) I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids. If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor. I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code. If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling. I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet". I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant. I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit. My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles. I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit. If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends. If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available. Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad. If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell. Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them. I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy. If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display. When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp. I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero. As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room. If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again. If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius. I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate. If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls. I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion. I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above. I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift. Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero. If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution. I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated. I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion. If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition. If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him. I will not outsource core functions. If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse. I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire. I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion. Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor. I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British). If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon. I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices. I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses. I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes. I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain. If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version. I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC. If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman. If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax. I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits. I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them. I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me. I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed. I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know. I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory. During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor. All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries. All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility. I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache. I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source. All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon. When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club. Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot. Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction. I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date. All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting. If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design. I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings. I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape. If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.) If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds. If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero. If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer. I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study. I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job. Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave." My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate. I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!" I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals. I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors". I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway. I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike. I will never bait a trap with genuine bait. If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well. If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively. I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality. Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles. This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached Love My Mommy: When you were 5, your mom gave you a ice cream cone. You thanked her by yelling at her that it's the wrong kind. When you were 9, your mom drove you from swimming class to soccer and one birthday party to another. You thanked her by slamming the door and never looking back. When you were 10, your mom paid for piano classes. You thanked her by never coming to class. When you were 12, your mom was waiting for a very important call. You thanked her by talking on the phone all night. When you were 14, your mom paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked her by not bothering to write a single letter. When you were 16, your mom taught you how to drive her car. You thanked her by taking it every chance you got. When you were 17, your mom drove you to the mall and gave you her credit card. You thanked her by maxing it out. When you were 18, your mom cried at your high school graduation. You thanked her by partying until dawn. When you were 20, your mom drove you to collage. You thanked her by saying good-bye to her outside the drom so you wouldn't have to say bye in front of your friends. When you were 26, your mom paid for your wedding. You thanked her by moving halfway across the world. When you were 30, your mom fell ill and needed you to take care of her. You thanked her by reading about the burden parents became to children. Then, one day, she quietly died and everything you did came crashing down on you. If YOU love your mom, re-post this. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty You know you live in the 21st century when... 1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave 2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years 3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have a myspace or facebook. 4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV. 6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job. 7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling. 8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends. 9.) You were too busy to notice number 5. 10.) You scrolled back to see if there was a number 5. 11.) Now you're laughing at yourself stupidly. 12.) Put this on your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did. You Know You're a Writer When: Every time you hear a song, you think of a new story or one you've already written. You have the last chapters of a story done before even thinking of the characters names. You often imagine your books becoming movies. Spell check is your best friend. You give even the smallest of characters a huge background, often mentally. You hesitate before killing of one of your favorite characters. You smile really big when you are going to finally write a character love scene. (Well, it depends on the character...) Every time you read something, you make your own story of the same thing. You'll spend an hour trying to find one word cause you won't dare use a synonym. Not being able to write is like not being able to pee to you... you just can't hold it in for so long. You write so fast, you leave out words in a sentence. You have to tell at least one person your whole story before it's even written. Things that are written badly annoy you and make you want to re-write it better. You laugh at jokes you wrote yourself. You can spell words like 'troublesome' but can't spell 'the' half the time. If you are not writing or typing, your fingers are moving constantly. You talk to yourself... constantly. You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. When you have to write some sort of story in class, you get carried away. You would rather die than use words like 'good' or 'nice' and etc. You put off the last chapter of a story simply because you don't want it to end. You start to cry when writing about a death or other depressing event you knew was coming, and you are the one writing it. When on a roll, you will ignore hunger, sleepiness, or the urge to pee until you run out of ideas. If a story, movie, show, etc. finishes without closure, you have a powerful need to write a suitable ending. You like to fidget, tap, or chew on the tip of something when you are trying to come up with a new sentence, paragraph, chapter, or story. You are in love with the thesaurus. You dream about your stories. You dream of new stories. You often revisit some of your old stories. Someone can call your name twenty times without you hearing if you're writing. You would rather talk to the voices in your head than the person sitting next to you. You would rather write than go out. Your/you're and their/there/they're errors send you into an apoplectic fit. You get cranky if you don't get to write. You've heard/seen something, and thought, I need to write that down. You wake up in the middle of the night and scrabble for a pen and paper you keep next to your bed to write down a scene to make the voices be quiet so you can get some sleep. Getting the scene finished is more important than coffee, the bathroom, or food. A blank wall becomes the screen where the scene you're writing takes place right in front of your eyes. You can't write because you're mad at one of your characters. Following up on the previous statement, the feeling is often mutual. You start to laugh out loud in public at what something your character might say. Even though you try your hardest to resist, you often correct your own grammar on IM. You talk to yourself about talking to yourself too much. Your family/friends have come to the ignore the habit of your talking to yourself. You've apologized out loud to a character after doing something horrible to them. After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that which comes from above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow, this stuff is great for sugar highs..." You live off sugar and caffeine. People think you're insane. You think you're insane. You check your e-mail every day of the week one week, and then disappear off the face of the earth the next. Your e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random. When replying to an e-mail, you never actually address the point of it. No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper. The letters on your keyboard are wearing off. The letters on your keyboard are splattered with nail polish and/or food from all of those times you were too lazy to get up. Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome. People think you have ADD. You think it'd be cool to have ADD. You constantly start talking in the third person, present or past tense. You start thinking about making lists like this and start laughing for no "apparent" reason. Your friends stopped looking at you funny a loooooooong time ago. However, the above does not apply to the general public. You failed English 101. My Mother... 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" My mom only had one eye. I hated her... She was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students and teachers to support the family. There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so embarrassed. How could you do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out. The next day at school one of my classmates said. ..."EEEE, your mom only ha...s one... eye!" I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear. So I confronted her that day saying, "If you are going to make me a laughing stock, why don't you just die?!" My mom did not respond... I didn't even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings. I wanted to be out of that house, and have nothin to do with her. So I studied really hard, got a chance to go Singapore to study. Then I got married, I bought a house of my own. I had kids of my own. I was happy with my life, my kids and my comfort. Then one day my mother came to visit me. She hadn't seen me in years and she didn't even meet meet her grandchildren. When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I screamed at her, "How dare you come to my house and scare my children!" "Get out of here! Now!!!" And to this, my mother quietly answered, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address," and she disappeared out of sight. One dat, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house in Singapore. So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip. After that reunion, I went to the old shack which was my childhood home out of curiosity. My neighbors said she passed away. I did not shed a single tear. They handed me a letter that she wanted me to have: My dearest son, I think of you all the time. I'm sorry that I came to Singapore and scared your children. I was so glad when I heard you are coming for the reunion. But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you. I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up. You see... When you were little, you got into an accident , and lost your eye. So I gave you mine. I was so proud of my son seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye. With my love to you, Your mother Pass this on if you have the heart to, or just ignore it as if you have never read this. Love My Daddy: At age 8, your dad buys you an ice cream. You thanked him by dripping it all over his lap. When you were 9 years old, he paid for piano lessons. You thanked him by never even bothering to practice. When you were 10 years old he drove you all day, from soccer to football to one birthday party after another. You thanked him by jumping out of the car and never looking back. When you were 11 years old, he took you and your friends to the movies. You thanked him by asking to sit in a different row. When you were 12 years old, he warned you not to watch certain TV shows. You thanked him by waiting until he left the house. When you were 13, he suggested a haircut that was in fashion. You thanked him by telling him he had no taste. When you were 14, he paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked him by forgetting to write a single letter. When you were 15, he came home from work, looking for a hug. You thanked him by having your bedroom door locked. When you were 16, he taught you how to drive his car. You thanked him by taking it every chance you could. When you were 17, he was expecting an important call. You thanked him by being on the phone all night. When you were 18, he cried at your high school graduation. You thanked him by staying out partying until dawn. When you were 19, he paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags. You thanked him by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends. When you were 25, he helped to pay for your wedding, and he told you how deeply he loved you. You thanked him by moving halfway across the country. When you were 50, he fell ill and needed you to take care of him . You thanked him by reading about the burden parents become to their children. And then, one day, he quietly died. And everything you ever did came crashing down like thunder on YOUR HEART. If you love your dad, re-post this on your profile If you have ever had a crush on a fictional character, copy and paste this on your profile and add your penname and the name(s) of the characters you have crushed on: HollyluvsArty (James Potter, Sirius Black (when he was young), Artemis Fowl) Pepper Lemon(Roshaun, Ronan) Second Daughter of Eve (Several, not telling.), Phish Tacko (Edward Cullen, Marty McFly), Hannahpie45(Chad Dylan Cooper, yeah I know, I know, eventually he'll be with Sonny :D but he is so HOT!), House of Anubis (Percy Jackson, Fabian Rutter, RonWeasley, George Weasley, Harry Potter), Sammilovesbutterflies(Mick(from house of anubis),Apollo (XD from PJATO), Peeta(kinda), Fred Weasley), Kittykate1798 (Nico di Angelo from PJO), Percabeth and Puckbrina 4ever (Leo from HOO, Harry Potter, and Percy Jackson before he became my half-brother, and Puck from Sisters Grimm even though he's obviously Sabrina's. Oh, and Iggy from Maximum Ride. :)) Queen of Air and Darkness (Fred/George Weasley (I can never tell the difference) Nico di Angelo from PJO, Ash from Iron Fey Series (even though I accept that he's Meghan's. Unfortunatly. Sigh.) Puck from Sisters Grimm (curse you Sabrina!) Fang from Maximum Ride (it better be Fax, not Mylan!), Patch from Hush, Hush, Cam from Fallen, Anubis from the Kane Chronicles, Kartik from the Gemma Doyle Trilogy, The Mystery Keeper (Puck, Mustardseed and Peter Pan from Sisters Grimm, Percy Jackson, Peeta Mallak, TPJS and HEAPS more...), TheCursedOne (Anubis, Nico Di Angelo, Artemis Fowl, and Apollo (from PJO)), Wereninja(Nico di Angelo, Anubis, Fang(from Maximum Ride) and Felix from TKC(not in acrush way, in a fluffy kitten way) but mostly Nico!); DarkHorseBlueSky –– Jackson Overland Frost (Rise of the Guardians), Pitch Black (Rise of the Guardians), Nico di Angelo (Percy Jackson and the Olympians), Leo Valdez (Heroes of Olympus), Thanatos (Heroes of Olympus...what? Why not? Hey, how I see him in this twisted mind of mine...that's hotness. Just saying), Anubis (Kane Chronicles), Murtagh (Inheritance Cycle), L (Death Note), Near (Death Note), Mello (Death Note), Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl) and like a gazillion others who I will not name I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, or talking to a girlfriend on a cell phone or regular phone. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year. I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain. BUT I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is Who doesn’t care if people call her weird (it's a compliment) Who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more Who hates and isn't obsessed with Twilight Who even though she wears all black, will crack up with her best friend when she needs cheering up Who can express herself better with words than actions Who doesn't need a guy to complete her And who knows the importance of the little things. Copy and paste this onto your account, and add your name to the list, if you are anything like me, so the girls who are different and unique can know in their weakest time that they are unique but not alone: Iheartjake1220, FaerieRose13, Dancer4Life15, Marigold Winters, SparklingTopazEyes, 7HockeyStarVampireObsessed7, Alice Diana Brenner, Shadows on a Love-Struck Soul, J.Gabrielle, WanderingShadowlight, No1butjoe, Nicole Roza Ozera, And Pidgons Fly35, EnglandPoland, Rosie Luvs Choccie,PrincessOfWisdom-AnnabethChase, I am a naiad glad to serve you, AmandaDaughterOfHades, DarkHorseBlueSky, catlover2976, LililolipopD Fandom is focus. Fandom is obsession. Fandom is insatiable consumption. Fandom is sitting for hours in front of a TV screen a movie screen a computer screen with a comic book a novel on your lap. Fandom is eyestrain and carpal tunnel syndrome and not enough exercise and staying up way, way past your bedtime. Fandom is people in the closet, people out and proud, people in costumes, people in T-shirts with slogans only fifty others would understand. Fandom is a loud dinner conversation scaring the waiter and every table nearby. Fandom is you in Germany and me in the US and him in Australia and her in Japan. Fandom is a sofabed in New York, a roadtrip to Oxnard, a friend behind a face in London. Fandom talks past timezones and accents and backgrounds. Fandom is conversation. Communication. Contact. Fandom is drama. Fandom is melodrama. Fandom is high school. Fandom is Snacky's law and Godwin's law and Murphy's law. Fandom is smarter than you. Fandom is stupider than you. Fandom is five arguments over and over and over again. Fandom is the first time you've ever had them. Fandom is female. Fandom is male. Fandom lets female play at being male. Fandom bends gender, straight, gay, prude, promiscuous. Fandom is fantasy. Fandom doesn't care about norms or taboos or boundaries. Fandom cares too much about norms and taboos and boundaries. Fandom is not real life. Fandom is closer than real life. Fandom is shipping, never shipping, het, slash, gen, none of the above, more than the above. Fandom is love for characters you didn't create. Fandom is recreating the characters you didn't create. Fandom is appropriation, subversion, dissention. Fandom is adoration, extrapolation, imitation. Fandom is dissection, criticism, interpretation. Fandom is changing, experimenting, attempting. Fandom is creating. Fandom is drawing, painting, vidding: nine seasons in four minutes of love. Fandom is words, language, authoring. Fandom is essays, stories, betas, parodies, filks, zines, usenet posts, blog posts, message board posts, emails, chats, petitions, wank, concrit, feedback, recs. Fandom is writing for the first time since you were twelve. Fandom is finally calling yourself a writer. Fandom is signal and response. Fandom is a stranger moving you to tears, anger, laughter. Fandom is you moving a stranger to speak. Fandom is distraction. Fandom is endangering your job, your grades, your relationships, your bank account. Fandom gets no work done. Fandom is too much work. Fandom was/is just a phase. Fandom could never be just a phase. Fandom is where you found a friend, a sister, a kindred spirit. Fandom is where you found a talent, a love, a reason. Fandom is where you found yourself. Girls are like apples on trees. Girls Don't Realize These Things... I'm sorry that I bought you roses to tell you that I like you I'm sorry That my body's not ripped enough to "satisfy" your wants I'm sorry that I open your car door, and pull out your chair like I was raised I'm sorry That I'm not cute enough to be "your guy" I'm sorry That I am actually nice; not a jerk I'm sorry I don't have a huge bank account to buy you expensive things I'm sorry I like to spend quality nights at home cuddling with you, instead of at a club I'm sorry I would rather make love to you then just screw you like some random guy. I'm sorry That I am always the one you need to talk to, but never good enough to date I'm sorry That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car, but when we went out you went home with another guy I'm sorry That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere, but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend I'm sorry If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around I'm sorry If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work I'm sorry that you can't realize... I've been the one all along I'm sorry If you read this and know somebody like this but don't care But most of all I'm sorry For not being sorry anymore I'm sorry That you can't accept me for who I am I'm sorry I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good enough to make it in your world I'm sorry I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it I thought that was what friends were for... I'm sorry That I told you I loved you and actually meant it I'm sorry That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family I'm sorry That I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different I'm sorry That I cared Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with idiots who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?" Because maybe the person you are searching for has always been by your side. If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm Sorry' If you're one of the few girls with enough GUTS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things' Why do Boys Fall in Love with Girls (This was written by a guy) Don't break this; it's so sweet! :) 1. They will always smell good even if it's just shampoo. 2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder. 3. How cute they look when they sleep. 4. The ease in which they fit into our arms . 5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world. 6. How cute they are when they eat. 7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while. 8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside. 9. The way they look good no matter what they wear. 10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful girl on this earth. 11. How cute they are when they argue. 12. The way her hand always finds yours. 13. The way they smile. 14. The way you feel when you see their name on the caller ID after you just had a big fight. 15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later... 16. The way that they kiss after you have had a fight. 17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you". 18. Actually...Just the way they kiss you... 19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry. 20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly. 21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt. 22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt (even though we don't admit it). 23. The way they say "I miss you". 24. The way you miss them. 25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore... 26. The way that she looks almost always happy around you Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitabley consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, no paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt. This chain started in 2002. It is a love chain letter. In an hour you are supposed to repost this. Now here comes the fun part. You then say the name of the person you like or love and then the person will say "I love you," or "Will you go out with me?" NO JOKE!! NOW THE CONSEQUENCES!! The consequences are: If you break the chain letter, you will have bad luck in future relationships. If you don't break the chain, then you will be a happy camper!! Congratulations!! You have been chosen to participate in the LONGEST and the LUCKIEST chain letter on the internet. Once you read this letter, you must IMMEDIATELY (meaning within the hour) post it with the title "why do boys fall in love with girls?" After you send it, make a wish and it will come TRUE What a boyfriend SHOULD do: When she walks away from you mad follow her When she stares at your mouth kiss her When she pushes you or hits you grab her and don't let go When she starts cussing at you tell her you love her When she's quiet ask her what’s wrong When she ignores you give her your attention When she pulls away pull her back When you see her at her worst tell her she's beautiful When you see her start crying just hold her and don't say a word When she's scared protect her When she lays her head on your shoulder tilt her head up and kiss her When she grabs at your hands hold hers and play with her fingers When you see her walking sneak up and hug her waist from behind When she steals your favorite hat let her keep it and sleep with it for a night When she teases you tease her back and make her laugh When she looks at you with doubt back yourself up When she’s not saying anything don’t hang up the phone, just stay with her When she doesn't answer for a long time reassure her that everything is okay When she says that she likes you she really does more than you could understand When she bumps into you bump into her back and make her laugh When she tells you a secret keep it safe and untold When she looks at you in your eyes don't look away until she does When she misses you she's hurting inside When you break her heart the pain never really goes away When she says its over she still wants you to be hers When she says she's okay don't believe it, talk with her –– because ten years later she'll remember you When it’s her birthday call her at midnight to tell her you love her When she’s bored hang out with her When you tease her let her tease you back When she’s sick stay up all night with her When she wants to watch her favorite movie or show watch it even if you think it’s stupid When she has nothing left give her the world When she feels worthless let her know she’s important –– and tell her how much When she runs up to you crying say, “Whose butt am I kicking?” When she says no one cares about her treat her like she’s all that matters to you When she just wants a laugh let her wear your clothes When she’s been abandoned never leave her side When she’s lost lend her your phone When she’s feeling under the weather kiss her in the pouring rain When she’s thrown under the bus stop the bus and then beat up the person who threw her When everything is coming down around her hold it up so she can run When she reposts this bulletin know that she wants you to read it "Do I ever cross your mind?" she asks. "No," he replies. "Do you like me?" "No." "Do you want me?" "No." "Would you cry if I left?" "No." "Would you live for me?" "No." "Would you do anything for me?" "No." "Choose –– me, or your life." "My life." She runs away in shock and pain. But then he runs after her and says, "The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind. "The reason why I don't like you is because I love you. "The reason I don't want you is because I need you. "The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left. "The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you. "The reason I wouldn't do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you. "The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life." Girl: Slow down, I'm scared! Guy: No, this is fun! Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared. Guy: Then tell me you love me. Girl: I love you, now slow down! Guy: Now give me a big hug. She gives him a big hug Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself? It's bothering me. In the newspaper the next day, there was a story that a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his brake wasn't working but didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she could live. If you would do this for a loved one copy and paste. This is so true... When a girl is quiet, a million things are running through her mind. When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply. When a girl looks at you with her eyes full of question, she is wondering how long you will be around. When a girl answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds, she is not fine at all. When a girl stares at you, she is wondering why you are lying. When a girl rests her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever. When a girl wants to see you every day, she wants to be pampered. When a girl says "I love you" she means it. When a girl says "I miss you" nobody could miss you more than that. Life only comes around once, so make sure you spend it with the right person. Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, and calls you back when you hang up on him. The guy who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats. The one who holds your hand in front of his friends and is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you there for him. The one who turns to his friends and declares "That's her." IF YOU ARE ANNOYED BY THE PEOPLE WHO FAVORITE OR FOLLOW YOU BUT DON'T TELL YOU WHY, COPY AND PASTE THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE. If you are obsessed with fanfiction, put this into your profile. If you have ever had a dream involving any fictional character (yours or someone else’s), copy and paste this into your profile. If you’ve been on the computer for hours on end, reading numberous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile. If you should be doing homework right now, copy and paste this into your profile. If you spend multiple hours each day reading and/or writing, copy and paste this onto your profile. If you have ever been so oobsessed with something everyone became scared of you because of its effects, copy and paste this into your profile. (teeheehee…FANFICTION!!!) If Fanfiction is to you what MySpace is to other people, copy this into your profile. A large percentage of writers don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. If you are one of the ones that do and want to give them a long lecture on the subject, put this in your profile. If you’re sick of people who don’t use spellcheck or grammar check or even just the plain old reread-through to find el obvio errors, copy and paste this into your profile. IF YOU THINK THAT WRITING FANFICTION IS FUN EVEN THOUGH MOST OF YOUR FRIENDS SILENTLY DISAGREE AND/OR AUDIBLY TELLS YOU IT’S STUPID, COPY AND PASTE THIS! If you have ever written an actual book of your own WHICH IS YOURS PURELY AND ORIGINALLY and then at any time caught yourself wondering why you were thinking about writing fanfiction for your own book, then called yourself crazy because DUH, all you gotta do is just slip that into your book, because you are the actual author and owner and creator –– if you've done that, copy and paste this into your profile. If you are against “book butchering” –– what happens when movie companies take a popular book and make it into a movie that totally sucks (*cough Percy Jackson cough cough Eragon cough*) –– copy and paste this into your profile. Add your own coughing suggestions if you have any. I can’t think of any more. If your profile is longer than the chapters of most of your stories, copy and paste this into your profile. If you have ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile. If your profile is way too long and filled with unnecessary stuff, copy and paste this into it to make it even longer and more unnecessary! If you read people’s profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile. If your profile is so long that you have a table of contents at the beginning of your profile, copy and paste this into the “Copy and Paste” section. If you are aware of the fact that some people really hate long profiles, copy and paste this to your profile. If you have too many of these copy/paste things in your profile and don’t care who dislikes it, copy this into your profile. If you are sick of people talking about Twilight, copy this into your profile. If you have never read/watched Twilight and have no intention of doing so because it sounds stupid (even to someone who writes fanfics about Santa Claus), copy and paste this into your profile. If you think Nico di Angelo is the most awesome character in the history of mythological fiction, copy and paste this into your profile. If you think Percy Jackson is a jerk sometimes (especially when dealing with a certain child of Hades), copy and paste this into your profile. If you are one of the few teenage girls who is annoyed out of their minds by One Direction, or as I (and all my followers should) call them, Wrong Direction, please copy and paste this onto your profile and BE A NONCONFORMIST!!! If you regret that you were a devoted Directioner for, like, three weeks and during those three weeks bought all of their songs, which are now permanently recorded into your iTunes account, copy and paste this onto your profile. If you are absolutely DRIVEN UP THE WALL by those copy/paste things that have some creepy story and then something that says something like, “If you do not repost this within twenty-four hours the girl from this story will come and strangle you during the night” and like to NOT repost them just for the rebellious fun of waking up the next morning thinking, “Nope. Still here”, copy and paste this into your profile. If you are absolutely DRIVEN UP THE WALL by ads and click the block ads button every single time you come on fanfiction.net, copy and paste this into your profile. If you didn’t know that there was a block ads button until you read this, copy and paste this into your profile. If you just scrolled down to the bottom of the page and pressed the button that reads “Ads” and then clicked the block ads button, copy and paste this into your profile. If you are smiling because there are now no more ads and will be none for twenty four hours, copy and paste this into your profile. If you’re brain’s like an iPod on Shuffle Repeat, constantly playing the same song over and over and over and then suddenly switching to one that’s completely different at no particular time, copy and paste this into your profile. If you have ever walked into a room and then wondered why you were there, copy and paste this into your profile. If you talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile. If you have ever zoned out for five consecutive minutes or more, copy and paste this into your profile. If you have ever wondered why something wasn’t working and then, and only after somebody else pointed it out to you, you realized it wasn’t plugged in, copy and paste this into your profile. If you are the kind of person that gets really excited when you get, like, two reviews, add this to your profile. (*AHEM*) If you love chocolate, copy and paste this into your profile. If you think that chocolate should have its own food group, copy and paste this into your profile. If you think that chocolate should not only have its own food group but also be classified as diet food, copy and paste this into your profile. If the McDonald’s clown scares the crud out of you, copy and paste this onto your profile. I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren’t two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren’t two footballs feetballs? And why is one sheep a sheep and two sheep still sheep and one fish a fish and two fish still fish? People call me crazy (which I very might be) but I’m just random! If you’re random (or can be at times) and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile! RANDOMTIVITY USERS UNITE! If you have ever just wanted to slap someone for no explainable reason, copy this into your profile. If certain inanimate objects just seem to hate you (STUPID TOASTER) copy and paste this into your profile. If you have ever threatened your computer, copy and paste this into your profile. If you have embarrassing memories that make you want to smack yourself/someone else, copy this into your profile. If you have ever (accidentally or purposely) stabbed yourself and/or someone else with a pencil, copy and paste this into your profile. If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word with less than four letters, copy and paste this into your profile. If you’re a girl who’s tired of people assuming that just because you’re a girl you love pink and can’t fight to save your life, copy and paste this into your profile. If you’re wearing pants right now, copy and paste this into your profile. If you’re wearing underwear right now, copy and paste this into your profile. (There better be a lot of people copying & pasting this.) If you have no life, copy and paste this into your profile. If you are still reading, know that you have no life and that you should copy and paste this. If you still have to think “righty tighty, lefty loosy” when opening, well, anything, copy and paste this into your profile. If you have ever said something that had nothing to do with your current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile. If you have ever gone to a sports game, or involuntarily participated in gym class, and at any time looked around and wondered if you were the only sane person in the room, copy and paste this into your profile. If you have ever tried to lick your elbow, copy and paste this into your profile. If you just tried to lick your elbow after reading the previous, copy and paste this into your profile. If you have ever choked on your own spit copy and paste this into your profile. If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or pulled on a door that said push, copy and paste this into your profile. If you think that those stupid kids should just give that poor rabbit some Trix just to make him shut up, copy this into your profile. If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile. If you have ever tripped where there is a WATCH YOUR STEP sign, copy this into your profile. If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile. If your English teacher has ever had to tell you to stop reading in class, copy this into your profile. Teenage girls who are NOT in love with Edward Cullen and/or Jacob Black are fast becoming an endangered species. If you are part of this endangered species and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile. If you get way too excited for books, movies, etc. to come out, copy this into your profile. If you have friends that fit the descriptions of satyrs or half-bloods, copy and paste this into your profile. If you openly tell them so and they know not to call you weird for it, because you do it all the time and to everybody, copy and paste this into your profile. If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile. If one part of you is calm and the other part likes to stand on its head and sing theme songs, copy and paste this into your profile. If you're an honor roll student that still occasionally needs the alphabet to remember the letters' orders, copy and paste this into your profile. If you're in advanced math (for your grade level) and yet occasionally still need your fingers to subtract seven from thirteen, copy and paste this into your profile. If you sometimes DO annoy people just for the heck of it, copy and paste this into your profile. If you've ever written stuff on your car windows when they're coated in condensation, copy this into your profile. If you can think of at least one person you would like to push down a well, copy this into your profile. If you wish that fictional characters were real copy and paste this into your profile. If you really have no idea how this copy and pasting stuff started, but enjoy it anyway, copy and paste this into your profile. If you realize that copying and pasting things into your profile is pointless (but fun), and you do it anyways, copy and paste this into your profile. If you have read every single one of these up to here, award yourself 5 points and copy this somewhere into your profile. If you like being utterly random copy and paste this on your profile If you have ever laughed so hard you either choked, hyperventilated, had your sides cramp, or all of the above copy and paste this on your profile. If you think Goldilocks should be arrested for breaking and entering and the bears should have reported her, copy this into your profile. Pluto was declared a planet no longer on August 27 of 2006 just because it was "too small" and "off its orbit" for a couple scientists' likings. If you still think Pluto should be a planet, copy and paste this into your profile. (Well, I'm small AND off orbit, in comparison to everyone else that is. That doesn't mean I'm not a person! That's my reason for agreeing _) If you actually know what a semicolon is, copy and paste this into your profile. If you are actually wasting your time being a stalker and reading my profile, copy and paste this to your profile. If you highly loathe football, copy and paste this to your profile Just because she once liked Percy doesn't make her the worst girl in the series! If you think people should stop hating on Rachel Dare, copy and paste If you have inside jokes...with yourself...copy and paste this into your profile If you have ever thought of something funny, started laughing, and fell & hit your head on something hard, and ended up laughing harder than you were before, copy and paste this into your profile If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this into your profile If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile If you still have to think 'righty tighty, left loosy' when opening, well, anything, copy this into your profile. If you know the longest word in the English language, copy and paste this to your profile If you know the meaning of 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis', copy and paste this to your profile If you knew 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis' was a word, copy and paste this to your profile If you knew 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis' is the longest word in the English language, copy and paste this to your profile. If you don't even bother copy-pasting anymore because your profile has reached lengths that are incapable of loading by your clunker computer, copy and paste this to your profile FANFICTION –– UNITED NATIONS!! Has anyone else noticed how a lot of us get along and make friends on here and we can be from completely different countries? WTH!? We're here making world peace on the INTERNET and we have all those ambassadors and senators and whatever struggling with it!! If you realize this (or read this and agreed) copy and paste this and add your name and country (country is optional) to the list. SPREAD THE PEACE!!: Naruto-fan-Okami-chan (USA), NaraTemari011 (Puerto Rico), Lala girl in Lalaland (USA), Kakashi Forever (England), NinjasWillRuleTheWorld (Australia), Shadowtheangel (Sweden), Ice Prince Hitsugaya (USA), Gaara of the Desert564 (USA), RebeccaUlquiorraCifer23 (USA), TheCursedOne (Colombia), Wereninja(USA), DarkHorseBlueSky (USA) LililolipopD (Ireland) For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you laugh uncontrollably at your own jokes. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumbwar with yourself. Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings, print them off and tape them to your wall, just for something to do. Crazy is when you laugh when nothing's funny.Crazy is when you crack up if someone says "Oatmeal!". Crazy is when you forget what you're saying in the middle of a sentence. Crazy is when you take the time to write down stuff like this and memorize it. Crazy is when your are going through this as a checklist. Crazy is when you quote Charlie the Unicorn at random moments. Crazy is when you're crazy. Crazy is when start talking nonsense everyday during gym. Crazy is when you convince your friends you're 'amazing' because you can't stop laughing even when nothing is funny. And then all of you convince the nearest adult that you're having a breakdown. Crazy is when you trip up the stairs, and laugh all the way back down them. Crazy is when it is last day of school you scream and run around in circles. Crazy is when you get drunk on air and laugh during the saddest part of the movie. Crazy is when you pick up a stick and run around screaming, "I'm a pixie!". Crazy is when you eat your friend's chocolate bar and tell them that the Purple Sandwich Monster did it. Crazy is when you hug people who hate being hugged every two minutes. Crazy is when after you watch a movie, you search it on Wikipedia. Crazy is when you say "Narwhals are just Unicorns in disguise! I swear!". Crazy is if you have a fangirl moment when reading a book. Crazy is when you do things to people just so they think you're weird. Crazy is mixing all the soda's you can find. Crazy is constantly drawing circles on your arm. Crazy is becoming best friends with people you barely know. Crazy is reading a sad book just to cry and ending up laughing like a maniac. Crazy is when you have a friend who writes you a note about a crazy stalker dog instead of taking math notes. Crazy is when you put on a straitjacket willingly. Crazy is when you respond to someone calling you crazy by saying, "I know. Does it make me look too sane?" Crazy is when you shout during movie previews for the new Twilight "Gimme a gummy bear, Glitter Man!" Crazy is when you run around the house wielding the scented Febreeze Odor Eliminator and yelling "I'm the smelly sparkle fairy! Smell my sparkles!" Crazy is when you steal the art teacher's paint and squirt silver glitter paint onto your hands just because you want glittery hands all day. If you're crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list! 92% of the teenage population would die if Abercrombie and Fitch said it wasn't cool to breathe anymore. Put this into your profile if you are among the 8% who would be laughing their butts off. 90% of the teenage population would die if MySpace had a system failure and was completely and permanently destroyed. If you are among the 10% who would be laughing (or had hacked the site in the first place and would be reclining in a chair with a proud smirk on your face), copy and paste this into your profile. 95% of teens would panic if Edward Cullen was on a 250-foot building, ready to jump. Copy and paste this if you are among the 5% who would be eating popcorn and shouting, "DO A FLIP!" 97% of teens would scream their heads off if Harry Potter was standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump. If you are among the 3% who would be chanting, "Jump, jump, jump..." put this into your profile. 95% of teenagers are concerned about being popular. If you are among the 5% who could not care less, put this into your profile and add your name to the list: Queen S of Randomness 016, Queen B of Randomness 016, AnimieKittyCaffe, The Gypsy Pirate Queen, That Bloody Demon, The Astrology Nerd, Shadow 929, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Yavie Aelienel, Hyperactively Bored, Spymaster E, Shanny-Boo, Gem W, Brown-eyed angelofmusic, piratesswriter/fairy to be, Bara-Minomoto, Em Quagmire, Buffy The Mary-Sue Slayer, Random Little Writer, Larxene II, TeamStarKidPotter, DarkAngel382, Olives-and-Owls, Daughterofthehunt, DarkHorseBlueSky 93% of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're among the 7% who would laugh and reply with the question, "What was your first clue?", copy and paste this into your profile. 98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're among the 2% who hasn't, copy and paste this into your profile. 95% of girls would cry uncontrollably if Justin Beiber was kidnapped. Copy and paste this into your profile if you would be among the 5% who would be poking your new prisoner with a sharp stick! 65% of teenagers spend more time watching TV rather than reading. If you are among the 35% percent who read more than watch TV, copy and paste this into your profile. 15% of every high school population is considered "popular". 20% are desperate to become a part of the popular 15%. 20% couldn't care less. 15% realize that popularity doesn't matter. 10% are too busy worrying about their grades to care. 5% are goths, another 5% can speak another language fluently, and yet another 5% are too stupid to realize that no one likes them. If you are a part of the 5% who think the 'unpopular' 85% should rebel against the popular 15%, copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., DigiDestined of Balance, Kimiko Heroux, luv2write and laugh, Souigintou, DarkHorseBlueSky Pirates are cool. The color blue reminds me of chocolate and Edward Cullen. If two gooses are geese, would two mooses be meese? and if two foots are feet, wouldn't it be two feetball? walrus! AHAHAHAHA!! LUKE I AM YOUR FATHA!! hate lacrosse. Don't ask why. I want some toast. DO THE BARTMAN! SHOOBUS MY WOOBUS and SHOOP DA WOOP, baby! BADA BOOM BADA BAM! NARWHALS ARE POINTY!!!! If a turtle doesn't have a shell is it a streaker or a hobo? I like banana cream marmalade on my pickles. Why does that last drop of soda always stay inside the can no matter how much you shake it? ...if you are random, copy and paste this, then add something random of your own! EMBRACE THE WEIRDNESS! If You Embrace The Weirdness, Copy And Paste This On To Your Profile And Add Your Name To The List. Emy Em Em, Lady Sakura of the Fated, Sasukez, Fuzzy makes me happy, Lunadance506, Crimsonsunxx, Shadow Dragon13, TheLextacyBlossom,Ino-Gaara, MysteryArtist,GwenFan22, goddess-chan123, crazygurl22,darkness takes all of me, Jasmine di Angelo, DarkHorseBlueSky If Fanfiction is your way of escaping reality and the rest of the boring people in the world and truly "unleashing your imagination" then paste this in your profile and add your name: Emerald Princess 14, StardustFromThePlanetGallifrey, NarnianLady, KingdomHeartsNerd, Lady Alice101, TheOnlyMarauderette, GodofAWSOMEstuff, Katerina Riley, Aguilita Cruz, TailsDoll13, Jasmine di Angelo, DarkHorseBlueSky, LililolipopD The Price of Children: This is just too good not to pass on to all. Something absolutely positive for a change. I have repeatedly seen the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice, The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into: · $8,896.66 a year, · $741.3 month, or $171.08 a week. · That's a mere $24.24 a day! · Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140? Naming rights. First, middle, and last! Glimpses of God every day. Giggles under the covers every night. More love than your heart can hold. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs. Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies. A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate. A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day. For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to: finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus. You have an excuse to: keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day. For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for: retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off a bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless. You get a front row seat to history to witness the: · first step, · first word, · first bra, · first date, and · first time behind the wheel. You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits. And... one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!! Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren!! Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense began to lose the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing. School – 1953 vs 2013: Scenario: Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack. 1953: Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns. 2013: School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1953: Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2013: Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario: Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1953: Robbie sent to office and given six of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2013: Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Robbie has a disability. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1953: Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2013: Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1953: Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with. 2013: Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario: Pedro fails high school English. 1953: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college. 2013: Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest. 1953: Ants die. 2013: Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1953: In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2013: Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. ...What kind of sick world do we live in!? The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was black. When I grew up I was black. When I'm sick I'm black. When I go in the sun I'm black. When I'm cold I'm black. When I die I'll be black. "But you, sir, when you're born you're pink. When you grow up you're white. When you're sick, you're green. When you go in the sun you turn red. When you're cold you turn blue. And when you die you turn purple. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away... COPY AND PASTE THIS IF YOU HATE RACISM!!! Another awesome thing against racism: This happened on TAM airlines. A 50-something year old white woman arrived at her seat and saw that the passenger next to her was a black man. Visibly furious, she called the air hostess. "What's the problem, ma'am?" the hostess asked her "Can't you see?" the lady said, "I was given a seat next to a black man. I can't seat here next to him. You have to change my seat!" "Please, calm down, ma'am," said the hostess. "Unfortunately, all the seats are occupied, but I'm still going to check if we have any." The hostess left and returned some minutes later. "Ma'am, as I told you, there aren't any empty seats in this class –– economy class. I spoke to the captain and he confirmed that there isn't any empty seats in the economy class. We only have seats in the first class." And before the woman said anything, the hostess continued. "Look, it is unusual for our company to allow a passenger from the economy class change to the first class. However, given the circumstances, the commandant thinks that it would be a scandal to make a passenger travel sat next to an unpleasant person." And turning to the black man, the hostess said, "Which means, sir, if you would be so nice to pack your handbag, we have reserved you a seat in the first class..." And all the passengers nearby, who were shocked to see the scene, started applauding, some standing on their feet. COPY AND PASTE IF YOU'RE AGAINST RACISM!!! Women Women constitute half of the world's populaton, perform nearly two-thirds of its work hours, recieve one-tenth of the world's income, and own less than one-hundredth of the world's property. If you're a girl and hate it when boys look down on you because of your gender then copy and paste this into your profile. If you're a boy who thinks that women are equal in worth to men and not afraid to show it then copy and paste this into your profile. Bullying—A Global Problem “If you come to school tomorrow, we’ll kill you.”—A Canadian student named Kristen received that telephone threat from an unidentified female caller.* “I am not an emotional person, but I got to the point of not wanting to go to school. My stomach hurt, and every morning after breakfast, I threw up.”—Hiromi, a teenage student in Japan, recalls her experience with bullying. HAVE you ever had to deal with a bully? Most of us have at one time or another. It may have been at school or in the workplace, or it may even have occurred right at home—where such abuse of power is played out with alarming frequency these days. A British source, for instance, estimates that 53 percent of adults are verbally bullied by a spouse or a live-in partner. Bullies and their victims may be of either gender and from any walk of life in any part of the world.*Bullying among school-age children occurs worldwide. A survey published in Pediatrics in Review reveals that in Norway, 14 percent of children are either bullies or victims. In Japan, 15 percent of primary school pupils say that they are bullied, while in Australia and Spain, the problem prevails among 17 percent of students. In Britain one expert figures that 1.3 million children are involved in bullying. A recent survey in Britain indicated that when children are subjected to severe bullying, they are nearly seven times as likely to attempt suicide. The emotional pain that these children suffer is real. A 13-year-old boy who hanged himself left behind a note naming five people who had tormented him and had even extorted money from him. “Please save other children,” he wrote. Bullying has to stop! Copy and paste this into your profile if you agree and want to see change!!! One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd.' I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives.' He looked at me and said, 'Hey, thanks!' There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!' He just laughed and handed me half the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous! Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!' He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. 'Thanks,' he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began, 'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach... but mostly your friends... I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.' I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. 'Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.' I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth. Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way. Whatever force might will the heavens into existence and preside over us all, be it God, Allah, Yahweh, or simply a unifying force (personally I believe the first), we were made for a purpose. And despite what might unbalance you in your life, despite what might make you feel unwanted for unneeded — chances are you had an impact like this. The kid you passed in the store and said, "Hey, nice shirt" too might have gotten the spirit to stand up to his abusive stepfather or bullies at his school. Or maybe the Shaolin instructor you always laughed at his jokes might have been a dark, abused child whose only solace was the art, and then his family. If you're considering suicide, or running a dagger over your wrist, you feel isolated and meaningless. But you want to know something? Everyone feels isolated and meaningless. There are over 7,000,000,000 people on this planet, and at one time or another, they all feel like the rest of the world is out there to spite them. Do you know what this world would be like if that were true? If everyone human soul who thought they were worth nothing killed themselves? We wouldn't exist. I'm not the first to admit this race has fallen. There was a time when a solemn handshake was an unbreakable vow of trust. Now even marriage is treated as though it is not sacred. But there are shining examples of the human race still left in this world. God places his angels strategically. The day I honestly had a knife to my chest was the day an old friend called me up and said, "Hey, no clue if you remember me, but we were friends and you really helped me with my grades." The day when I couldn't help but feel undying contempt for my parents was the day I found a familiar author on this site who, once again, saved my soul. The day I felt like I couldn't change anything was the day someone sent me a review telling me that they were going to keep breathing. There are numerous other examples, but they are all true. God knew that you would have those thoughts, and the purpose you are meant to fulfill must be fulfilled. Thus, He sends well-chosen people to help and guide you. Sometimes, they're the smile on the street. Sometimes, they're the freaky fanfiction author who randomly PM's you and tells you her life story. Sometimes they're a butterfly that lands on your nose, and sometimes they're even subtler than that. Look for them. You now have two choices. You can either: 1. Put this on your profile. Or... 2. Forget you read this and act like it didn't touch your heart. As you can see, I took choice number 1. "Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly." -Author Unknown Dear bullies, See that boy doing his homework in homeroom? Last night he talked his friend out of suicide. See that girl you just called fat? She is starving herself. See that old man you made fun of because of his ugly scars? He fought for our country. See that young boy you just made fun of for always being sick? He has to walk home in the snow because his family is too poor. See that girl you made fun of for wearing too much makeup? You made fun of her for not wearing it too. See that boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. He doesn't need more at school. See that guy you just made fun of for crying? He found out that his mother is terminally ill. See that boy you just called stupid? He has disabilities and studies for hours and hours every night. See that girl you just called ugly? She spends every cent of her money on clothes and makeup, just so people will like her. There's a lot more to people than you see on the outside. Post this on your profile if you're against bullying, anywhere and everywhere. I bet a lot of you won't. The one who smiles the most is the one who's the most broken. The one who fights the most is the one who wants to find peace. The one who encourages others is the one who always feels useless. The one who seems insane is the one who is just following a life no one else understands, or will ever believe. Nor do they want to. Not everything is as it seems. Remember that. It happened just last week. I was walking home from a friend’s house. I’ll admit it was late. I could have called my dad for a ride, but I only lived five minutes away. As I came to the road, I looked both ways and saw nothing. I stepped forward. I hadn’t taken more than two steps when a blinding light came rushing towards me. I was stuck. I couldn’t move. It was as though I had been glued to the road. The last thing I saw was the man driving. His eyes were bloodshot, tired…and in his hand was a bottle of beer. And then... ...it hit. Now, I lay in a hospital bed. My back, legs and wrists are broken, as are several ribs. My lung is punctured, it’s hard to breathe. There is a large gash down one arm. I’ve lost so much blood. I always feel weak, tired. I need help to eat. I’m always in pain. There are several tubes attached to my arms and chest. I have several bandages and plasters. I am hooked on a life support machine. I’m glad they’re going to do it. My family know the pain I’m in. They visit me everyday. After school, After work, They’ll come to my side. I’m grateful to them. They give me company, made the pain more bearable, but they know that I have no hope. I have had too much damage. Without the machine my heart will cease and my lungs will stop working. Tomorrow... ...they’re going to pull the plug. I know that I will die. I know that I’m a hopeless case. I know... and accept it. I lay gazing at the plain, white ceiling of the hospital ward, knowing it may be the last thing I ever see. Repost this if you felt touched your heart. It touched mine... You stay up for 16 hours. We stay up for days on end. You take a warm shower to help you wake up. We go a week without running water. You complain of a 'headache' and call in sick. We get shot at as others are hit and we keep moving forward. You talk about your buddies that aren't with you. We know we may never see any of ours again. You complain about how hot it is. We wear our heavy gear, not daring to take off our helmet to wipe our forehead. You get mad at your waiter for getting your order wrong. We dont get to eat today. You're mad that class got held over 5 minutes. We're told we will be held over an extra 2 months. You roll your eyes when your baby cries. He gets a letter with pictures of his new baby and wonders if they'll ever meet. Copy and paste this if you support your country's (or any country's) troops. Her hair was up in a pony tail, her favorite dress tied with a bow. Today was Daddy's Day at school, and she couldn't wait to go. But her mommy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home. Why the kids might not understand, if she went to school alone. But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say. What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today. But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone. And that was why once again, she tried to keep her daughter home. But the little girl went to school eager to tell them all. About a dad she never sees; a dad who never calls. There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone to meet. Children squirming impatiently, anxious in their seats. One by one the teacher called a student from the class. To introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed. At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare. Each of them was searching, for a man who wasn't there. "Where's her daddy at?" she heard a boy call out. "She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to shout. And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say, "Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day." The words did not offend her, she smiled up at her Mom And looked back at her teacher, who told her to go on. And with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak. And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique. "My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away. But I know he wishes he could be, since this is such a special day. And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know. All about my daddy, and how much he loves me so. He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike. He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me to fly a kite. We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone. And though you cannot see him, I'm not standing here alone. 'Cause my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart; I know because he told me, he'll forever be in my heart." With that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest. Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress. And from somewhere in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears. Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years. For she stood up for the love of a man not in her life. Doing what was best for her, doing what was right. And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd. She finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud. "I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star. And if he could, he'd be here, but heaven's just too far. You see he was a fireman and died just this past year When airplanes hit the towers and taught Americans to fear. But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away." And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day. And to her mother's amazement, she witnessed with surprise. A room full of daddies and children, all starting to close their eyes. Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside. Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him at her side. "I know you're with me Daddy," to the silence she called out. And what happened next made believers, of those once filled with doubt. Not one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed. But there on the desk beside her, was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose. And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the love of her shining star. And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never too far. Month One Mommy I am only 2 inches long but I have all my organs. I love the sound of your voice. Every time I hear it I wave my arms and legs. The sound of your heart beat is my favorite lullaby. Month Two Mommy today I learned how to suck my thumb. If you could see me you could definitely tell that I am a baby. I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though. It is so nice and warm in here. Month Three You know what Mommy I'm a boy! I hope that makes you happy. I always want you to be happy. I don't like it when you cry. You sound so sad. It makes me sad too and I cry with you even though you can't hear me. Month Four Mommy my hair is starting to grow. It is very short and fine but I will have a lot of it. I spend a lot of my time exercising. I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes and stretch my arms and legs. I am becoming quite good at it too. Month Five You went to the doctor today. Mommy, he lied to you. He said that I'm not a baby. I am a baby Mommy, your baby. I think and feel. Mommy, what's abortion? Month Six I can hear that doctor again. I don't like him. He seems cold and heartless. Something is intruding my home. The doctor called it a needle. Mommy what is it? It burns! Please make him stop! I can't get away from it! Mommy! HELP me! Month Seven Mommy I am okay. I am in Jesus's arms. He is holding me. He told me about abortion. Why didn't you want me Mommy? Every abortion is . . . One more heart that was stopped. Two more eyes that will never see. Two more hands that will never touch. Two more legs that will never run. One more mouth that will never speak. If you're against abortion, re-post this. Don't be afraid to cry. If you are like me and think abortions are cruel, wrong, and should become illegal, copy and paste this into your profile. No child deserves to die. This is a true story: Her dad was a drunk Her mom was an addict Her parents kept her Locked in an attic Her only friend was a little toy bear It was old and worn out And had patches of hair She always talked to it When no one's around She lays there and hugs it Not a peep of sound Until her parents unlock the door Some more and more pain She'll have to endure A bruise on her leg A scar on her face Why would she be In such a horrible place? But she grabs her bear And softly cries She loves her parents But they want her to die She sits in the corner Quiet but thinking, "Please God, why is My life always sinking?" Such a bad life For a sad little kid She'd get beaten and beaten For anything she did Then one night Her mom came home high And the poor child was beaten As hours went by Then her mom suddenly Grabbed for a blade It was sharp and pointy One that she made She thrusted the blade Right in her chest, "You deserve to die You worthless piece of s!" The mom walked out Leaving the girl slowly dying She grabbed her bear And again started crying Police showed up At the small little house Then quickly barged in Everything quiet as a mouse One officer slowly Opened a door To find the little girl Lying dead on the floor It must have been bad To go through so much harm But at least she died With her best friend in her arms (add this to your profile if you're against child abuse) My name is Tiffany I am three My eyes are swollen I cannot see, I must be stupid I must be bad, What else could have made My daddy so mad? I wish I were better I wish I weren’t ugly, Then maybe my mommy Would still want to hug me. I can’t do a wrong I can’t speak at all Or else I'm locked up All day long. When I'm awake I'm all alone The house is dark My folks aren’t home When my mommy does come home I'll try and be nice, So maybe I'll just get One whipping tonight. I just heard a car My daddy is back From Charlie’s bar. I hear him curse My name is called I press myself Against the wall I try to hide From his evil eyes I’m so afraid now I’m starting to cry He finds me weeping Calls me ugly words, He says its my fault He suffers at work. He slaps and hits me And yells at me more, I finally get free And run to the door He’s already locked it And I start to bawl, He takes me and throws me Against the hard wall I fall to the floor With my bones nearly broken, And my daddy continues With more bad words spoken, "I’m sorry!", I scream But its now much to late His face has been twisted Into a unimaginable shape The hurt and the pain Again and again Oh please God, have mercy! Oh please let it end! And he finally stops And heads for the door While I lay there motionless Sprawled on the floor My name is Tiffany I am three, Tonight my daddy Murdered me IF YOU ARE AGAINST CHILD ABUSE Please pass this on. Today, I was volunteering in a first grade classroom. I was working with a little boy Who had cuts and bruises on his face. We were working on drawing a picture of a sea animal they would like to be. He said he would want to be a crab. I asked him why and he said So that I Could live In a safe Home. Repost if you're against child abuse Don't be afraid to cry Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to school He told his friends that it was cool And when he pulled the trigger back It shot with a great crack Mummy I was a good girl I did what I was told I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold But mummy when I went to school that day, I never said goodbye I'm sorry mummy I had to go, but mommy please don't cry When Johnny shot the gun he hit me and another And all because he got the gun from his older brother Mummy please tell daddy that I love him very much And please tell Chris, my boyfriend, that it wasn't just a crush And tell my little sister that she is the only one now And tell my dear sweet grandmother that I'll be waiting for her now And tell my wonderful friends that they were always the best Mummy I'm not the first I'm no better than the rest Mummy tell my teachers I won't show up for class And never to forget this and please don't let this pass Mummy why'd it have to be me no one deserves this Mummy warn the others, mummy I left without a kiss And mummy tell the doctors I know they really did try I think I even saw a doctor trying not to cry Mummy I'm slowly dying with a bullet in my chest But mummy please remember I'm in heaven with the rest Mummy I ran as fast as I could when I heard that crack Mummy listen to me if you would I wanted to go to college I wanted to try things that were new I guess I'm not going with daddy On that trip to the new zoo I wanted to get married I wanted to have a kid I wanted to be an actress Mummy I wanted to live But mummy I must go now The time is getting late Mummy tell my Chris I'm sorry but I had to cancel the date I love you mummy I always have I know you know it's true Mummy all I wanted to say is "mummy I love you" In memory of all of the students that have been lost Please if you would Pass this around I'd be happy if you could Don't smash this on the ground If you pass this on Maybe people will cry Just keep this in heart For the people that didn't get to say goodbye Now you have two choices 1) repost 2) ignore it Please just copy and paste this on to your profile and show that you care Twas' eleven days before Christmas, around 9:38, When twenty beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate. Their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air, They could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there. They were filled with joy, they didn't know what to say, They remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day. "Where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse. "This is heaven." declared a small boy. "We're spending Christmas at God's house." When what to their wondering eyes did appear, But Jesus, their Savior, the children gathered near. He looked at them and smiled, and the smiled just the same. Then He opened His arms and He called them by name. And in that moment was joy, that only Heaven can bring, Those children all flew into the arms of their King, And as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace, One small girl turned and looked at Jesus's face. And as if He could read all the questions she had, He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of Mom and Dad." Then He looked down on earth, the world far below, He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe. Then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand, "Let My power and presence re-enter this land! May this country be delivered from the hands of fools, I'm taking back My nation. I'm taking back My schools!" Then He and the children stood up without a sound. "Come now, my children, let me show you around." Excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran, All displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can. And I heard HIm proclaim as He walked out of sight, "In the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT." –– Written by Cameo Smith, Mt. Wolf, PA Dear Friend, I just had two birds to sing for you. I warm you with the clothing of My sunshine and perfume the air with nature's sweet scent. My love for you is deeper than the ocean and greater than any need in your heart. If you'd only realize how I care. I died just for you. My Dad sends His love. I want you to meet Him. He cares,too. Fathers are just that way. So please call Me soon. No matter how long it takes, I'll wait because I love you. Your Friend, Jesus Repost these verses if you truly believe what they say. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." –– John 3:16-17 "He then brought them out and asked, 'Sirs, what must I do to be saved?' They replied, 'Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved.'" –– Acts 16:30-31a "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith –– and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God –– not by works so that no one can boast." –– Ephesians 2: 8-9 98% of Christian teens will not stand up for God, and 93% of the people that read this won't repost it. Will you be part of the 2 and 7 percent? Don't just ignore this, because in the Bible Jesus says, "If you deny me, I will deny you in front of my Father in the gates of Heaven." I'm challenging you... Why do we sleep in church, but stay awake through a two-hour movie? Why is it so hard to talk about God, but so easy to talk about others? Why are we so bored when we look at a Christian magazine, but find it easy to read Playboy? Why is it so easy to ignore a godly Facebook wall post, yet we repost the nasty ones? Why are churches getting smaller, but bars and clubs getting larger? Think about it. Mary had a little Lamb, His fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, that Lamb was sure to go. He followed her to school each day, t'wasn't even in the rule. It made the children laugh and play, to have a Lamb at school. And then the rules all changed one day, illegal it became; To bring the Lamb of God to school, or even speak His name! Every day got worse and worse, and days turned into years. Instead of hearing children laugh, we heard gunshots and tears. What must we do to stop the crime that's in our schools today? Let's let the Lamb come back to school, and teach our kids to pray. He had no servants, yet they called him Master He had no degree, yet they called him Teacher He had no medicine, yet they called him Healer He had no army, yet kings feared him He won no military battles, yet he conquered the world He committed no crime, yet they crucified him He was buried in a tomb, yet he lives today He is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a cashier hand a little boy some money back. The boy couldn't have been more than five or six years old. The cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll." Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him, ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?'' The old lady replied, ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.'' Then she asked him to stay there for just five minutes while she went to look around. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to. "It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Clause would bring it for her." I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry. But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there." His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister." My heart nearly stopped. The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall." Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me, "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me. I love my mommy and I wish she wouldn't have to leave me, but daddy says she has to go be with my little sister." Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly. I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?" "Okay," he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money. The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!" Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give it to my sister. He heard me! "I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But he gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose. "My mommy loves white roses." A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket. I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind. Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl. The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma. Was this the family of the little boy? Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the newspaper that the young woman had passed away. I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial. She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest. I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed forever. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him. Now you have 2 choices: 1) Repost this message, or 2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart. You want to know something that I don't get? Anything that has the word permanent in it. I mean, they're not permanent. Everything fades away eventually. Take this for example. I was walking out of a gas station when I saw this little girl who looked like she was about seven. She was scratched up and crying, and her clothes where tattered and her body covered in dirt and scratches. I walked closer to her and noticed she was sobbing. Totally heart broken, and her face was clean where the tears fell. I noticed everyone was just walking past her, not giving her a second glance. I immediately thought of that old Bible story, the good Samaritan, and felt myself get a little angry. I walked up to the little girl, and knelt down next to her. "Why are you crying?" I asked her gently. She calmed down ever so slightly as she noticed I was standing there. "Why do people think things are permanent?" she asked me, her voice sweet, but there was so much hurt and sorrow in it, I barely noticed. I almost fell on my bottom, the question surprised me, but her voice even more so. I took in her features, or what I saw beneath the dirt. She had pearly white skin, rosy red cheeks and lips, crystal blue eyes, and long, choppy, raven black hair. But her face showed sadness and sorrow, just like her voice. "I-I don't know. Because if they believe things are permanent, maybe everything will last." my answer was more like a question, but she didn't seem to notice. She shook her head sadly, her eyes closed tightly. "Nothing last forever. Nothing is permanent. My mommy left me and my daddy in a fire that burned our house down, destroying almost everything we had. We were driving to grandpa's house, when our car broke down, a couple miles back. We've been walking for hours, and daddy is trying to get drinks inside." She took a deep breath, and I could feel my heart shatter as she told me her story. She looked me dead in the eye, her crystal blue eyes had a lonely light in them, and we stared at each other. "Daddy is broken now. So am I. Mommy is with God, but she left us alone. Nothing is permanent. Nothing." she started to cry again, and my heart practically stopped. I picked her up, surprising her so much that she stopped crying and stared at me in shock, and I marched back into the station. "Where is your daddy?" I asked her, and she pointed to a man with the same hair and eyes as the little girl. He too was dirty, his clothes tattered, and had scratches.. He was trying to pay for some water and snacks, but he didn't have enough money. I marched over, shooed him aside, and payed for everything. As I gave them to him, he stared at me in shock, noticing his little girl in my arms, no longer crying, but staring at her dad. He started to say something, but I put the girl down and raised a hand to stop him. "No need to thank me" I said smiling slightly. "You can do that after I drive you to your dad's house." The little girl looked up at me with awe, a hopeful light gleaming in her eyes, and it warmed me to the bone. As I drove back home that night, I thought about what the little girl told me. After a while, I decided that she was absolutely right. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing is Permanent. True story. Now, I hope that all of you who think that life if perfect, all of you who think that it'll stay that way forever, get that it won't be like that for ever. And that you won't just sit back, not worrying one bit about the next day, because you have everything right now. News flash, everything and anything could change your life at the worst times, and not always for the good. You could lose everything. If this story made you think about life, or anything in general, really isn't 'permanent', or that you totally agree with me, copy this onto your profile, and send this same message that I just sent you. Remember, NOTHING IS PERMANENT. I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord, Savior, and Redeemer, and could not live without him in my life. If you do too, and aren't afraid to admit it, copy and paste this into your profile, and add your name to the list. Kakashis-First-Kiss, jedigal125, iloveJacobandJasper, Vampirewithasecret, Lacey-The-Invisible-Ninja, James018, AdorableElephant, MelRose520, I am an Anonymous Person, Mango21, mae2551, DarkHorseBlueSky Without God, our week would be: Sinday, Mournday, Tearsday, Wasteday, Thirstday, Fightday, Shatterday. Seven days without God will make one weak. When you carry a Bible, the devil gets a headache. When you open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints. When he sees you living it, he flees. And just when you’re about to re-post this, he will try to discourage you. I just defeated him. Like, Copy, & Paste this if you’re in God's Army :) A man was walking on an old, shaky bridge. He prayed for help and saw God on the other side. He asked God to come near him and help him cross. But God didn't come. The man got angry and with great difficulty, he crossed the shaky bridge to confront God. To his surprise, when he reached the other side, He saw God holding the broken bridge. God's ways are always better and more amazing than ours. A woman received a call that her daughter was sick. She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this to help." She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help Within five minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank you SO much! You are a very nice man." The man said "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday. I was in prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!" Is GOD GREAT or what!? :) A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away. As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely. The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God? Even when you can't see Him, GOD is there! From a MATHEMATICAL Viewpoint: What equals 100 percent in life? Here's a little formula that might help you answer these Questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K (8118423151811) = 98 percent and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E (11141523125475) = 96 percent But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E (120209202145) = 100 percent AND, look how far the love of God will take you: L-O-V-E- O-F -G-O-D (12152251567154) = 101 percent. Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top! A science professor begins his school year with a lecture to the students: "Let me explain the problem science has with religion." The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand. "You're a Christian, aren't you, son?" "Yes, sir," the student says. "So you believe in God?" "Absolutely." "Is God good?" "Sure! God's good." "Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?" "Yes." Now the professor asks, "Are you good or evil?" "The Bible says I'm evil," replies the student. The professor grins knowingly. "Aha! The Bible!" He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?" "Yes, sir, I would." "So you're good…!" "I wouldn't say that." "But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't." The student does not answer, so the professor continues. "He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?" The student remains silent. "No, you can't, can you?" the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. "Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?" "Er… yes," the student says. "Is Satan good?" The student doesn't hesitate on this one. "No." "Then where does Satan come from?" The student falters. "From God," he answers after a few moments. "That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?" "Yes, sir." "Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?" "Yes." "So who created evil?" The professor continued, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil." Again, the student has no answer. "Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?" The student squirms on his feet. "Yes." "So who created them?" The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. "Who created them?" There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. "Tell me," he continues onto another student. "Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?" The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor, I do." The old man stops pacing. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?" "No, sir. I've never seen Him." "Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?" "No, sir, I have not." "Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?" "No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't." "Yet you still believe in him?" "Yes." "According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?" "Nothing," the student replies. "I only have my faith." "Yes, faith," the professor repeats. "And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith." The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of his own. "Professor, is there such thing as heat?" "Yes," the professor replies. "There's heat." "And is there such a thing as cold?" "Yes, son, there's cold too." "No, sir, there isn't." The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain. "You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest, minus 458 degrees. "Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it." Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer. "What about darkness, professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?" "Yes," the professor replies without hesitation. "What is night if it isn't darkness?" "You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. "In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?" The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. "So what point are you making, young man?" "Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed." The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. "Flawed? Can you explain how?" "You are working on the premise of duality," the student explains. "You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. "Sir, science can't explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it. "Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?" "If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do." "Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?" The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed. "Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an ongoing endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?" The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided. "To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean." The student looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?" The class breaks out into laughter. "Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir." "So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?" Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable. Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. "I guess you'll have to take them on faith." "Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life," the student continues. "Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?" Now uncertain, the professor responds, "Of course, there is. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil." To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light." The professor sat down. Really Random Joke: A man went out to buy a horse. He found one that he liked, but then the man who was selling the horse said, "This horse is special. This horse is a Christian horse." "How so?" asked the man. "Well," explained the seller, "when you want him to go, you have to say 'praise the Lord'. And when you want him to stop, you have to say 'amen'." "Okay," said the man, and paid for the horse. When he went home to ride the horse, he got on. "Giddyup!" he said, but nothing happened. Then he remembered the horse seller's words, and then said to the horse, "Praise the Lord." Immediately the horse took off in a gallop. The man hung on for dear life as the horse sped away, and gasped when he saw a steep, high cliff fast approaching. "Whoa!" he shouted. The horse just kept going. Then the man remembered what the horse seller had said, and commanded the horse, "Amen!" The horse skidded to a stop a mere two feet away from the cliff's edge. The man was so overjoyed that, without thinking, he shouted, "Praise the Lord!" If you've gotten to this point and have read my entire profile, then kudos to you. Also, for you, the patience award. Now get on with it and read my stories. |
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