Since no one that I don't want reading this reads this, I'm going to use this spot to rant and complain because I can. Please just ignore this to anyone who may actually come and read stuff.

4 years since last updating this thing. Wow... Um yeah.

I've been roleplaying on tumblr as of late.

Now I'm seriously questioning my life. Everything I once found fun in life, I'm struggling to keep up on. Video games, family, cosplay, role play, it all feels like a huge chore now. I've lost who I was, I have no clue who I am. Since joining tumblr, my life had drastically changed. And no, it's not a good thing. Well... it is, and it isn't. I've made so many friends over the last few months. And I wouldn't give that up for anything.

I can't help but wonder what would've happened if I never joined tumblr, though. I never would've met Aylus. I never would've regained my passion for roleplay, which had been lost for over 5 years. I never would've made my Schwann account. I never would've reset my skype. I never would've met Herps or Pup. I never would've been pulled into the cult. I never would've met Senners and Kitten and Keren and Nao and Judy and Sao and Spi.

I never would've cried all those times. I never would've got so attached. I never would've lost a part of my soul. I wouldn't be shaking right now. I wouldn't be questioning my life. I wouldn't be wishing I could go back in time and change things.

Had I never joined tumblr... what would my life be? How would I be? I honestly can't remember who I am anymore. And now I feel like if I stop talking, they'll just forget I existed. I feel like no one would truly miss me. Pup would, I know that. As I would miss her. But my contact with her, I refuse to give up. She's my pup, as I am her pops. Same with Senners.

Heh... Schwann. I respond to that name out of habit now. Used to be CA or Crystal would have me turning and looking around, but now it's Schwann.

There's people calling me mama now. That was Senners' nickname for me, and now everyone calls me that. When did I become a mom? I never recall giving birth to one child, let alone the 10 some odd people who call me mama.

Maybe I'm just complaining. And this is the only place I can complain without anyone seeing. Cause no one sees this anymore. There was once a time I took pride in my writing, in my abilities. And now... Nothing. My writing sucks. I suck at life. I should just give up. To give up and never worry about anything ever again, since right now, that's all I do. I worry. And I ramble and no one can stop me.

I have contemplated killing myself before. I even went as far as attempting to suffocate myself, though I passed out first. I blame myself for so many things. But the other day, I caught myself doing something I'd never done before. I found myself laying on my bed, wallowing in self pity and staring at my wrists. I found myself wondering if the cutting actually did release the pain. But then, it'd only bring pain for others, and I don't want to inflict that pain. I don't want people to hurt because I am being stupid.

Really... really... I just want someone to hold me and let me cry on their shoulder. But I don't want to pull them down. I don't want them to know just how stupid I actually am being. Because all my thoughts are stupid.

I've told myself before that if fate decided I was to die, then I'd welcome death. But I know now. As much as I want to die, I don't want to die. I want to live. To breath. To see another day. Even if its hard. Even if I just want to throw in the towel. I don't.

Hey you. Yes you. You that actually took the time to read this junk that I wrote. You're an idiot. Why are you reading my crappy ass stuff? It's crappy and deserves to be burned several times over. Please go and visit actual good writers like darkangelmya or fortunesrevolver. They write wonderful stories that capture the mind. Me, I write shit. Stinky smelly shit.

My rant is over. I am shaking, and am going to sleep now. If you read all this shit I just wrote, kudos to you. You have no life, or are a huge stalker. And with that, I still say you have no life if you deem me worthy of being stalked by you.

Crystal, out.