20 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if anyone slows down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone is over their caffeine addictions, switch to expresso

6. In the memo field of all your checks write, "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance to the Prophecy"

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk

10. Order diet water with a serious face whenever you go out to eat

11. Specify that your Drive-Thru order is To Go

12. Sing Along at the opera

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't go to their party because you're not in the mood

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom

17. When money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running and screaming "Run for your lives! They're loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity, post this on your profile and make somebody smile!

Stupid Warnings:

This is a list of all the stupid warnings on the products most of us use daily.

1. Children's Asprin: Warning: Keep Away From Children

2. Peanuts: Warning: Product May Contain Nuts

3. Curling Iron: Warning: Do not use while sleeping

4. Candle: Warning: Warning, A burning candle is fire

5. Frozen Pizza: Warning: Do not eat before cooking

6. Blanket from Taiwan: Warning: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado

7. Frisbee: Warning: May Contain Small Parts

8. Butcher Knife: Warning: Keep Out of Children

9. Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

10. Hair Coloring: Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping

11. Dial Soap: Warning: Use like regular soap

12. Sleeping Pills: Warning: May Cause Drowsiness

13. Puzzle: Warning: Some Assembly Required

14. Japanese Food Processor: Warning: Not to be used for the other use

15. Korean Kitchen Knife: Warning: Not to be used in Children

16. On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

17. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

18. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

19. On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

20. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

21. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

22. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

23. On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

24. On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

25. On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

26. On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

27. On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

28. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

29. On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

30. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

31. On a paper for Great Falls: Warning Drowning is real.

32. On the key holder of a cruise ship: The lock is not used to keep you in your room.

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to your mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which button to press.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.