Dear Readers,

Hi. It's been a while.

I know I had been missing since 2014 while promising I'll be gone only for a while and be back to finish all my uncompleted story―but I disappeared, for a six years long. Uh, this might be overdue (obviously!), but I'm back! Again! And I think I will stay for longer, maybe a bit of promise of no hiatus for no longer than a month. Next time I'll left a descriptive note. Truly sorry and thank you for those who still stick together all this time: re-reading my story, messaging me and leaving reviews. For you guys, my readers, I have decided to write again.

So I’m going to re-write some of them―actually only the on-going stories.

Starting with Katekyo Hitman Reborn!’s fanfiction titled “Neko Tsuna” which I will change the header to “The Kat Hunts the Hare”. The plot will mostly stay as the previous one but I will make some change here and there for a more solid background and flow.

For Fairy Tail’s one titled “The Last Heartfilia”, actually it’s around 3 or 4 chapters until it finished. But I’m also going to re-write some parts (not all). Estimated chapters will be 10-12 chapters.

Least, for Kuroko no Basuke’s one titled “Mirror”, I’m truly sorry but I’m going to (temporarily) dropped the stories. I will eventually delete it soon from the archive. If I had more time, research and imagination to explore this heavy-topic-slash-psychological-fic, I will absolutely do. Please wait for upcoming news for this one!

Currently, I’m in the process of re-writing “The Kat Hunts the Hare”. I will post them all when I had finished them. The previous one was around 30 completed chapters but for the re-written I will compact it to 12-15 utmost. I put the deadline on the end of the month. Please stay tune on early April!

Also not only on , I'll also contributing (and try some NSFW) on AO3 and start my own story on Wattpad!

The fictions published here on fanfiction.net will actually the same with them on AO3. The difference is, I’m going to write NSFW one (even for the extra chapters from fictions I had written) but I will publish it on AO3.

So FFN for K and T rated stories. While AO3 will be T, M and E rated stories.

Oh, I will also occasionally post short fanfictions on my Tumblr page. You can search it, of course, the same name: Impatiensatin.

We can fangirl together, too. Heyha.

I'm currently in Fandom of:

· Kuroko no Basuke

· Fairy Tail

· Katekyo Hitman Reborn

· Naruto

· One Piece

· Modaozushi (MDZS/ The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation / The Untamed)

After I finish my uncompleted story, I'll start writing on MDZS fics!

Buy me a cup of coffee to stay up all night and write you another chapters! https:///impatiensatin

《image courtesy from tumblr artist》

NEXT TOPIC: REASON

(This will be long and personal.)

(And I am currently writing this by listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7voSN82FGF0
Feel free to listen, too! It was studio Ghibli piano cover!)

On this part I’m going to share a bit of things that had been holding me back for the past years, as why I suddenly disappeared after leaving such shitty notes behind.

For those who don’t want to read this or even care, that is okay! I just want to write here, maybe to ease my burden for a bit. Thank you in advance for those who want to keep up until this part!

EXCUSATORY:

I am truly sorry for disappearing for many years. Life is not okay, never actually.

Slight history of my life, I know how hard life can be. Day by day, stress and anxiety were slowly eating me on the inside. Feeling fed up, one day I ran from home to a faraway but familiar hospital for a check-up. I wait for two hours for the queue until the results were out. I was right though.

I was diagnosed with mid-to-severe depression, depressive episodes bipolar disorder and slight PTSD with sometimes accompanied by minor panic attack if situation was severe enough―source of trauma?

More than once I actually had the gut to think and decided to commit suicide. More than once I even hated myself enough to kill myself after understanding how emotionally unstable I can get and how I unconsciously hurting those near to me by being such goody-depressed girl.

I had trouble sleeping since years ago. I think nearly the peak of my emotional dam, before it burst. I couldn’t fall asleep before 3 A.M. The dreams were all haunting me. Nightmares caressed my mind nearly every night. My body was screaming for a sleep but my mind wouldn’t shut down. I had to seek sleeping pills again and again from my psychiatrist.

It’s not a neat feeling, I admit.

The feelings of drowning in endless cloud, your eyes finally closing, stupid thoughts finally stopping and you are somehow finally feeling at peace.

I actually lost 15kg on the first week after my confirmation of diagnosis came out. Can you imagine? 15kg lost in just 5 days. It actually hurts when you struggle to live but you don’t have the will to do so.

(I ate just, like, 3-5 spoon for a meal. I had the guts to only eat twice a day. I couldn’t stomach more than that.)

This was also supported by broken heart, by the way. And I reeled on how stupid I was back then for a mere romance ties.

(I actually fell in love with a guy for 5 years. I decided to confess and he confessed back how he felt the same but he was already in relationship with a girl. At that point I actually thought I was a fool for being dragged around in the name of love. And how stupid his reasons are. And how stupid for me to keep loving him. So I got more depressed by my own stupidity and helplessness that I cried myself to sleep nearly every night. I wonder why my mom and brother never noticed my swollen eyes and fake smile tho.)

Another news is: my Dad passed away around 4 years ago. He didn’t have the chance to stand proudly on my college graduation.

Previously he was treated in hospital for some severe internal damage on his perspiration organ. He even got into ICU, breathing hard even with the help of oxygen tube. He couldn’t stand, he couldn’t eat―he was barely awake, he nearly didn’t recognize me. He was in ICU for a week.

(He died 2 months after recovering from hospital.)

He was healthy again, out of ICU, out of hospital. He forced my Mom to let him pick me up from my university―it was holiday, golden week―two cities away, two hours drive, nearly 70km away from home. He drove the car, along with my Mom and he picked me up.

Some troubles happened when we arrived at home. I and Mom left to settle the matter for 30-45 minutes, only to come back to a lifeless cold body on the bottom of the stairs.

He was gone. And right before I left, we had a slight argument.

Mom then told me how my father compelled her to pick me up because he missed me―I couldn’t come home for two months because of my group assignment and part-time work.

(This father and daughter are very much alike. We don’t talk much, we are a listener and we love quietness of nature. We hate bustling of crowd cities, we hate noisy people.)

From that day, I have always hated myself and see myself as his cause of death. I blame myself that I wish I was the one who had gone instead.

I was daddy’s most loved kid. The only daughter he had, the one he sat with just in silence to ease my sadness and he would bring me to my favorite restaurant and bought me my favorite food and drink. He would drive and pick me up to wherever I want to go, with friends or alone. He was always there.

But life comes around.

I still need to keep on living. People expectation is never light, the burden I bear alone.

Friends know me as one optimist, humorous, passionate but absurd girl. They always said how happy I am, laughing here, smiling there, joking here and there. My friends and family always say how I have so many friends around―seeing how I greet people here and there, even when walking by.

(That might be true, since I try my best to join any organizations for future connections.)

But true friend is hard to find. I might have many acquaintances and friends. But my close friends could be counted less than one hand’s fingers.

I never told anyone about my problems. I keep them all by myself. Foolishly because I couldn’t trust people more along with my anxiety and trust issue.

Maybe you are thinking for another reason, and yes, there is another reason. The core of how I start to gather negativity into my mind.

I was once bullied when I moved to a new middle and promoted to high school.

There was this group of bad boys. Their leader kept bothering me with calls, throwing ball-papers on my back, weird name-calling or laughing at me. I didn’t want to mention other forms. Thankfully it was all done verbally. I didn’t know the reason they pick on me but everyday felt like hell. We were in the same class like three times for each grade.

It was enough to make me loss my will to go to school. But I couldn’t do so. Fees were expensive―it was one of elite schools, full of rich and smart kid―and I needed to keep my grades. I always encouraged myself to stay strong as this will all be paid for a good and best college.

(My family didn’t know how I was treated by this group. This group always acted low whenever there was teacher and the like.)

Weirdly, I have many friends at school. I could converse and joking with everyone, even with the other class departments. Every teacher knew me as a polite, shy but friendly girl. People greeted me whenever we passed by. I had no trouble in group assignment either.

But this group―precisely their leader―never left me alone.

So one day one of my close friends asked him why he kept bothering me. He said, “Solely because her reaction is cute and amusing.”

Well… I was always quiet and didn’t give him a fucking look, hell, I never even acknowledged him.

I know this is one lost cause but he was the reason why I never appreciate myself. He was the reason why I always feared everything. He was the reason I always guarded myself.

If he only could apologize for the 6 years he did to me, I think I could be a better person. To personally think he might be didn’t mean it, never meant it.

But the fear lingers.

Another fear for PTSD: I was once sexually harassed by a public transportation’s driver. And the next days, I got a verbal harassment by the taxi driver I reserved online. He even texted me that it scared me to nearly throw my phone away.

Since that if some stranger guy come near me, I would be in panic attack. I had once, in a bus and I tried to calm myself down so I didn’t alarm other passengers.

When my mom and brother knew this, they scolded me for not fighting back or calling authority. But hey, I am scared and my mind shut down and I was currently protecting myself.

I had never been so down in my entire life. For my own family to belittle me and got angry instead of consoling me.

I was also an ambitious dreamer. But I wonder too when I stop act and think as such.

I’m also thankful of how people seem to seek me for advice or trust me enough emotional support, even if we barely know each other. People actually seek me a lot and I wonder why they trust people so easily for their personal problem and space. I listen to them attentively, giving counseling, and hope the best for them. I couldn’t hide my happiness when they come by again to tell me how the tide has already passed. The twinkle of their eyes and grin on their face keep my day bright in the darkest hours of my life.

But I feel the world is a bit too much.

I’m still wondering if it is okay for me to draw back the line and absent from the long line of humanism.

I’m still coping with the world and myself.

I was fighting alone all this years.

No one knows about my mental disorders.

Until one day I braced myself and told my mother and brother, but it broke my heart more.

How my mother despises me going for professional help. She trusts her friend more when Auntie said “Why are you going to psychiatrist? They only want your money! You can just recuperate at home. Like me. I never go to hospital for a session and I am okay! I pull through. You just need your family and friends! You need support and love more than anything else. You’ll be fine soon!”

(They never understood how severe I was for I finally decided to seek professional helps and medications to stay sane.)

That is why, I have been fighting alone. I told my two closest friends and I am glad they are supporting me in every session I could muster inside my psychiatrist’s office.

(I went to seek professional help alone and secretly. No one knows except my friends when I occasionally would tell them. They would support me and even offer to tag along.)

Months ago, I had a minor surgery.

It’s not life-threatening. A minor one but the fee made my wallet screamed hysterically.

Because of this, I had to quit my job. I’m on my bedrest for two months―it will be for another month or so.

This surgery affected my legs function to walk or run. So I might not be able to come back soon to my previous field of job.

I had also stopped going to psychiatrist because of the fee. It was so expensive as I also needed medications. I haven’t been going there for a year and I felt myself going worst.

But I was afraid to heal myself. And was more afraid to let myself stay insane and unstable.

You all have been a great emotional support. Thank you.

That is why I am going to distract myself by writing fanfictions. I hope I could get better until I can go back for another sessions.

I have decided to write for a support. I also have made a ko-fi account.

So, I will write for a cup of support.

(Please, don’t pity me.)

You can support me for every chapters or stories I write. If you don’t want to, it’s okay.

Because of my circumstances, I decided to write for my part-time job as I’m resting at home for months to come.

I will just be truthful, the support on ko-fi will be for my sessions (it was hellish expensive and my savings couldn’t hold for another months while I had trouble with health) and realize my dream―that is to self-publish my own book.

So please, truly, don’t pity me.

Once again, I will write for a cup of support.

Anyway, thank you for wasting your time to read my story!

I am not one to speak, but I do love writing.

(This note will be taken down when I have published the new chapters.)

Ciao!