Never Argue With A Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

''Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

50 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ME:

1, What color is your toothbrush?

Blue

2, Name one person who made you smile today.

Oliver

3, What were you doing at 8 am this morning:

Waiting in line at the airport

4, What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Reading Fanfiction

5, What is your favorite candy bar?

Heath Bar

6, Have you ever been to a strip club?

Nope

7, What was the last thing you said aloud?

“Dad’s sleeping"

8, What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Breyer's Mint Chocolate chip

9, What was the last thing you had to drink?

Iced Tea

10, Do you like your wallet?

Kinda. It has money in it. I’d like a different color than white though.

11, What was the last thing you ate?

Chocolate mint square

12, Have you bought any new clothing Items this week?

Nope

13, The last sporting event you watched?

Blackhawks Hockey game (They won the Stanley Cup!!!!!!)

14, What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

Caramal

15, Who is the last person you sent a text message to?

Natalie

16, Ever go camping?

Yep

17, Do you take vitamins daily?

I try to.

18, Do you go to church every Sunday?

Not every Sunday, but sometimes.

19, Do you have a tan?

No. I’m really pale

20, Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?

Why can’t I have both?

21, Do you drink your soda with a straw?

Everything’s better through a straw

22, What did your last text message say?

We’re not going today. Very crowded.

23, What are you doing tomorrow?

Going to the beach or going to the pool.

24, Look to your left, what do you see?

The TV

25, What is the color of your watch?

Silver

26, What do you think of when you hear Australia?

Kangaroos, Koalas, and Wombats

27, What is your birthstone?

I have three: Pearl, Alexandrite, and moonstone.

28, Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?

Drive Thru

29, What is your favorite number?

13

30, Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

My Mom

31, Any plans today?

Nope

32, How many states have you lived in?

I currently live in two off and on.

33, Biggest annoyance right now?

My brothers fork scraping against the plate.

34, Last song you listened to?

I’m Yours by the Script

35, Can you say the alphabet backwards

Yep

36, Do you have a maid service clean your house?

No

37, Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?

Black Converse

38, Are you jealous of anyone?

No

39, Is anyone jealous of you?

I don’t know

40, do you love anyone?

My family and friends

41, Do any of your friends have children?

Some do, but they are around 10 years older than me.

42, Do you hate anyone that you know right now?

No. I get annoyed at people easily though.

43, Do you use the word 'hello' daily?

No. I use “Good Morning” daily though.

44, What is the color of your car?

Don’t have a car.

45, Do you like cats?

Yeah. I have one. He's adorable.

46, Are you thinking of someone right now?

Not really.

47, Have you ever been to Six Flags?

Yeah. Used to go all the time.

48, How did you get your worst scar?

Brain Surgery

49, Favorite TV Show?

Criminal Minds

50, Favorite Fanfic Category to read?

Criminal Minds or House MD

7 Reasons Not to Mess with Small Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. When caught sleeping, at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "AMEN!"

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children, Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...

Copy and Paste this To Make People who read bios Smile.

My Life as a Soundtrack

Opening Credits: A Hard Day's Night - the Beatles

Waking Up: Cryin' - Aerosmith

First Day At School: Arnold Layne - Pink Floyd

Falling In Love: Merry Go 'Round - Kacey Musgraves

Fight Song: Along The Watchtower - U2

Breaking Up: Hard As A Rock - AC/DC

Prom: Over The Hills and Far Away - Led Zeppelin

Life: Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5

Mental Breakdown: Back At Your Door - Maroon 5

Driving: Add It Up - Violent Femmes

Flashback: Mean Mr. Mustard - The Beatles

Getting back together: Ticket To Ride - The Beatles

Wedding: Think Like A Man - Orianthi

Birth of Child: Sooner Or Later - Breaking Benjamin

Final Battle: Girls Of Summer - Aerosmith

Death Scene: Roxanne - The Police

Funeral Song: Another Heart Calls - All-American Rejects

End Credits: Left Out - Shinedown